A Hard Knock Life II
by StartWhereYouAreUseWhatYouHave
Summary: Sequel to A Hard Knock Life. This story picks up at the end of the summer following high school graduation. The teenage boy that Jess adopted is starting college, dealing with Jess dating, and working on the transition to adulthood.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1 Notes:** This sequel took a while to post because I wanted to go back and read A Hard Knock Life in its entirety along with all the comments it received in order to make sure I didn't miss anything or leave any loose ends untied in the sequel. This sequel is already feeling like it wants to be a little darker than the first part of the story, as though the honeymoon is over so to speak, and there will be a bit more angst, some not-so-good behavior, and longer periods of time between the warm, fuzzy family feels than there was in the first part of the story.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls

Jeremy turned onto one of the dirt roads in the wooded area on the outskirts of Stars Hollow. This was his favorite place to ride. It was peaceful out here. He rarely needed to worry about traffic, and no one would see him if he wiped out and embarrassed himself. Not that he'd ever actually fallen off his bike so far, but he worried about it happening. All in all, it made for a good thinking spot. Once Jess had been convinced that his eye had completely healed, he had taken Jeremy out to practice on the bike a few more times early in the summer, until Jeremy had gotten comfortable enough to ride by himself. Jeremy knew he still wasn't as confident on the bike as he would have been if he had grown up riding one, and he still rode cautiously, not going too fast and avoiding the steeper inclines where it was sometimes hard to control his speed, but he was enjoying it just the same. He rode his bike around town to run errands and out here solely for fun. He knew having a car would be a huge convenience once he started classes at WCC, but right now, he was content to take his car out about once a week, and stick to the bike for everything else.

Jeremy knew that his attachment to his bike stemmed from a mental association of bicycles with idyllic childhoods. Something about riding his bike, especially in a town as cute and safe as Stars Hollows, held such a strong connotation to the mythical happy, suburban childhood that Jeremy had always fantasized about that he could almost convince himself that he had had one of his own. When he was riding around on his bike, he could imagine himself as a boy of ten or twelve, sometimes with the faceless loving parents that had populated the fantasy's of his youth, sometimes already living with Jess, maybe even with brothers and sisters, on his way home for dinner with his family before heading outside again to play in the always safe street with friends before being called in by his imaginary mom or Jess when the evening got dark enough for the streetlights to come on. His day ending with being tucked into bed, warm and safe and loved, with the goodnight kiss to prove it. He knew he had so much in his life now, so many people to love and be grateful for, that he should no longer need that kind of fantasy. And, he didn't need it. Not really. Not to sustain him in the bleakness of the present the way he once had. His present was good now, and he had no complaints about it. But, something about riding his bike and indulging in the fantasy, even for a few minutes, felt healing to Jeremy, as though recreating his childhood in the image of what he had now was helping him to work through some of his real past, freeing him to be the happy and loved boy on a bike that he hadn't gotten to be back then.

Jeremy stood as he pedaled, reflecting on how quickly the summer had gone by. He would be starting school in a couple of weeks. A lot of Jeremy's summer had been spent working, full day shifts in the diner along with evening shifts at the theater four nights a week, where he sold tickets, scooped popcorn and ran a projector that he was pretty sure was older than he was. For the first time in his life, he felt like he was making decent money. And because he had very minimal expenses, treats for Winston here, a pizza for himself there, his part of the cell phone bill that he had convinced Jess to let him pay, car insurance and gas, he was able to accumulate most of his earnings in his savings account. He liked the feeling of having security, something that was his. He savored the safe feeling he got when he looked at his bank balance online.

And being friendless made saving money easier. Jeremy sighed as he thought about his social life, or current lack thereof. He hadn't kept in touch with anyone from school after graduation. While all of his former classmates were pleasant and friendly when he saw them at the theater or served them in the diner, he hadn't formed the kind of friendships in his half a year at Stars Hollow high that would make anyone seek him out to spend time with outside of school. And, he had lost the one, kind-of-real friend he had made over the prom situation. A few weeks after graduation, Andy and Charlotte had gotten back to together, and cut Cassidy out of their social circle. He had run into her in Doose's a few days later. They had ended up walking around the square a little and talking. She had apologized, admitting she had known even at the time how shitty she was being, but she had liked Andy for so long that she felt like she had to try with him when he had asked her to the prom at the last minute. Jeremy had accepted her apology, telling her there were no hard feelings, even as he wondered if she would have ever sought him out if they hadn't almost bumped into each other in the store, or if she hadn't lost most of her social connections along with Andy and Charlotte. What he'd said had been true, though. He hadn't felt angry anymore, just kind of tired about the whole thing. They had talked about getting together to grab food or go to a movie before Cassidy left for volleyball camp in July, and then college in the fall.

When she had texted to make a plan, Jeremy had surprised himself by declining her offer, realizing he was tired of settling in his relationships, of being friends with people who treated him badly because he thought it was better and safer than having no friends at all. He wasn't alone anymore. He had people who wanted to be around him and who treated him well, and now that he knew what that felt like, it seemed like a waste to spend time and emotional energy on people who didn't. He had felt a little proud of himself, at having the self-esteem to say no and have standards on how he wanted to be treated. He had spent a decent chunk of his non-work time alone this summer, just thinking and riding his bike, but he couldn't say he had actually felt lonely. He reflected on the difference between having alone time thrust upon him, as he had so often in his childhood, and choosing it for himself. Also, knowing he had family to come home to everyday took the sting out of spending time alone. He had been alone, really alone, enough during his life to know to realize how far he was from being alone now.

Jeremy thought about Jess. His dad no longer had to cover a breakfast shift at the diner, since Jeremy was there in the mornings now. Jess still drove for Uber, but only one day a week. He had started taking one full day a week off from work and he no longer drove on the evenings after working at the bookstore. Jeremy was glad to see Jess giving himself a break, even if he was a little resentful that the schedule change likely had more to do with Jess dating Ms. Howard than it did with him making time for his son. Jeremy knew he shouldn't complain, that he had benefited from Jess's reduced work schedule, too.

They had made a lot of good memories this summer, just them, like the third time out with the bike when Jess had admitted that he had never learned how to ride a bike himself and then tried out Jeremy's with pretty comical results, or the games of catch played on Jeremy's occasional evening off, or the Scrabble games, or Winston walks, or dinners made together in the kitchen. Jess had had more free time to spend with him and Jeremy appreciated it. He really did. Jess had also made more time for Ms. Howard, dating the woman through the summer, but not yet bringing her around the apartment or introducing her to the rest of the family. Jess had told Jeremy that he wanted to make sure things were solid with him and Mallory, that their relationship felt like something that was going to last, before he brought her around Jeremy as his girlfriend or introduced her to the rest of the family. They went out about two or three times a week, sometimes with Jess coming home, alone but grinning, after a date and sometimes, when he had planned in advance and given Jeremy notice, he spent the night at Ms. Howard's apartment.

Jeremy could still remember how odd it had felt the first time Jess had stayed out all night, he and Winston going to bed in the empty apartment. He knew he had felt more emotional that night than the situation had warranted, sad and stressed like a small child with separation anxiety leaving his parents for his first sleepover, and the memory still embarrassed him. So, did the dark thoughts that had kept him up for hours that night. The ones that had been with him all his life, that told him that the last year had been nice, but it wasn't his real life, that Jess would get tired of having him around, that Jess would start a new family with Mallory, have real kids of his own and not want him around anymore, that Luke and Winston would die and leave him, that he'd never make real friends, that he'd end up alone again. That that was what he deserved. He tried to shut the thoughts out, to lock them back up in the dangerous vault in the back of his mind where they usually hid, behind the heavy security door in the company of fuzzy sense memories of his mother, his one visit with his father in prison, and the worst video clips from his past in foster care. But once they had wedged open the door and gotten a toe into his active mind, it was too late. The thoughts had tormented him off and on all night. Jeremy had tossed and turned and cried, tried curling up on the floor next to Winston for comfort, clutching his stuffed Eeyore in bed. Nothing had worked and the thoughts hadn't let up until the sun had risen and birds were chirping, leaving him feeling foolish and overactive in the light of day. It had gotten a little less intense every time Jess had slept out, but they still weren't nights that Jeremy looked forward to.

Jeremy also knew that some of his daytime thoughts weren't good either. He could tell he was a little jealous of how much time Jess was spending with Ms. Howard. He knew it was stupid, but he felt it anyway. He thought back to his first visit to Stars Hollow and how his first reaction to watching Jess with April had been jealousy. And, now April was his family, too. He was pretty sure she texted him more often than she did Jess. It still made him happy to remember the trip to Boston for the Red Sox game in June, sitting in the stands at Fenway with Jess, Luke and April, one comfortable, happy little family, cheering on the Sox and booing the Yankees, no one mentioning his past lie when Luke bought them bags of peanuts, and a soda for him and beers for everyone else. April getting tipsy off one beer and throwing an arm around his shoulders as they walked with the crowd, trailing behind Luke and Jess as they exited the ballpark, telling him that she loved having him for a cousin, that she hated the thought of him not having a family when he was a kid, that she was super glad he had found Jess and became a part of their family, and lastly, as if he couldn't tell, that she didn't drink very often. Jeremy smiled at the memory as he turned his bike around to head home to help Jess with dinner.

He knew the jealousy he had felt over April back in Stars Hollow had come from a place of fear, at being replaced or excluded, just as his jealousy over Ms. Howard did now. He knew it was a childish emotion to feel a sense of loss over Jess dating someone, but he was proud of himself for not letting on to Jess about how he felt. If his jealousy felt selfish and childish, then subjugating his feelings for the sake of a loved one's happiness felt self-sacrificing and grown-up, the kind of thing an adult would do. And, everything with April had worked out well. He hadn't lost anything at all there, had only gained a cousin, so he had to believe that maybe this would be for the better, too. He was working hard on trying to be more optimistic.

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"So, uh…." Jess started, hating that this conversation was bringing back some of the nerves he had thought he was long past with his son. Jess watched the boy look up at him expectantly, fork paused halfway between his plate and his mouth. "So, there's something I want to talk to you about." He wanted to be careful. Above all else he didn't want to hurt Jeremy's feelings or make the kid feel, even for a second, like he wasn't the most important person in Jess's life.

Jess watched Jeremy frown slightly and furrow his brow, not liking that the kid was automatically anticipating something bad. "Ok. What is it?"

"Mallory's birthday is at the end of the month, and I'm thinking about taking her away for the weekend over Labor Day to celebrate it. But, I wanted to run the idea past you first."

Jess was relieved to see Jeremy's expression relax and the sides of his mouth turn up in a small smile. "That sounds nice. I'm sure she'll like that."

Jess returned the smile. "Yeah, I think she will, but I'm asking if you're ok with it. Was there anything special you wanted to do over Labor Day weekend? Because this isn't set in stone. I haven't even asked her yet. I wanted to talk to you first and make sure it was ok with you."

Jess watched Jeremy finish chewing a bite of his kale salad, his expression unreadable. Balancing Jeremy and Mallory was proving harder than Jess had imagined. He felt constantly torn between wanting to spend time with his girlfriend and his son. Things were still new and exciting with Mallory, and Jess knew that if he didn't have Jeremy in his life, he would have spent a lot more time, especially a lot more overnight time, with her over the summer. But, the worry about making Jeremy feel left out or that he was anything other than Jess's top priority was always on his mind, guiding his decision making and costing him a lot of sleep. He thought he still spent enough time with Jeremy, at least as much as he had before Mallory had come into the picture when he had spent a lot of his evenings driving for Uber, maybe even a little more. He made an effort to plan most of his time with Mallory for nights when Jeremy had his shifts at the theater, sometimes bringing Winston with him for dinner at Mallory's so the little guy wouldn't be alone all evening. He felt that keeping them separately compartmentalized into different parts of his life was responsible parenting. To not let Jeremy get too attached until Jess was relatively sure it was going to work long term with Mallory. But, he hated the idea of excluding Jeremy from such a big part of his life. And, while he was selfishly enjoying having each of them to himself when he did spend time with them, he knew this would have to change soon. That they would all need to start spending time together if his relationship with Mallory was really going to work. If he wanted them to someday become the family he was already picturing in his mind.

Jeremy shrugged. "It's fine with me. Where are you going to take her?"

"I'm thinking Mystic. She's been there before and she really likes it. When I told her that I'd never been, she said we should go sometime. What do you think you'll do that weekend? Are you going to be ok on your own?"

"I'll be fine. I'll probably just work and hang out with Winston and ride my bike. Regular stuff. So, what are you guys going to do in Mystic? Like, what's there to see?"

Jess wasn't sure how much wiggle room to allow Jeremy in redirecting the conversation away from the boy's own plans and feelings. "Oh, uh, from what I understand, it's supposed to be this quaint little New England town with cute little shops and lots of history and stuff."

Jeremy huffed out a laugh. "Can't you get that here? Does it get any quainter and more New Englandy than Stars Hollow?"

Jess smiled. "I'll have to let you know after my trip. It's also on the coast, so it's got the whole seaport and beach thing going for it. And, they have an old whaling ship that's supposed to be a big deal."

Jeremy nodded. "That sounds cool. Sounds like you guys will have fun."

"Yeah." Jess was studying his son carefully for signs of emotions he might not be willing to verbalize. He knew the average teenager would probably love to have their parent go away for the weekend. But, he also knew that Jeremy wasn't the average teenager, and that the kid didn't seem to have any real friends right now and had spent most of the summer either working, with his family, or by himself. "Hey! I was just thinking, since Rory and Leelee will still be in London through the first week of September, maybe you and Winston could stay over at Luke and Lorelai's place while I'm gone. I'm sure they'd love to have you. That would be fun, right?"

Jess watched Jeremy frown again and was hit by the distance that had grown between them over the summer as he tried to figure out what Jeremy was thinking. "I don't need Uncle Luke to babysit me for the weekend. I'm an actual adult, who's capable of taking care of himself. You do realize that, right?"

"What? Yeah, of course I know that. I just thought you might have a good time over there."

"Winston and I will be fine here."

"Yeah, sure." Jess aimed for casual. He felt like Jeremy already spent enough time alone and he could see now that he had been looking for an out to let himself feel better about forcing more alone time on the boy. "There. Here. Whatever you want. I just wanted to throw the idea out there." Jess smirked. "You can quit frowning at me like that. I don't want your face to freeze in your 'my dad's an idiot' expression. It wouldn't be fun for me to have to look at that for the rest of my life."

Jeremy smiled. "My dad's not an idiot. He's more of a well-meaning doofus."

Jess laughed. "Hey!"

"C'mon, Dad! I can stay at Uncle Luke's while you're gone? I'm eighteen, not eight." The boy shrugged, clearly amused with himself. "If you don't want people calling you a doofus, maybe try not to say such doofussy stuff."

"Fine. Point taken." Jess pushed some chickpeas and slivered almonds around in his salad, then looked up at his son. "So, I'm thinking that if things go well on our weekend away, that maybe you, me and Mallory should start hanging out a little so you guys can spend some time together and get to know each other better. Does that sound ok to you?"

"Uh, I guess."

"Ok." Jess dragged the two sounds out slowly. "What does that mean?"

"It means yeah, I can do that if you want me to. I might be pretty busy in September though when classes start. But, I'm open to it every once in a while, I guess. But, like, I just…"

"You just what?" Jess studied Jeremy's expression, taking in the apprehension there. "I mean you already know her. And, you like her, right?"

"Yeah, of course. I just uh…..like, we'll still do stuff just us, too, though, right? I mean, just me and you, sometimes at least."

Jess put his fork down and really focused on his son. "Yes, Jeremy. Definitely. We will always do stuff just the two of us. I will always want that, too. I'm just thinking maybe a dinner together once in a while, or the occasional game of Scrabble or something. I really like Mallory. Things have been going well for the past three months, and it's starting to feel weird that I have this whole part of my life that you aren't involved in. I want to change that. I want to include you sometimes when I'm spending time with her. I feel like it's time. But, if you're not ready, things don't have to move on my timetable. How you feel matters here, too. How you feel is what matters the most." Jess paused to give Jeremy a chance to respond, then prompted him when he didn't. "So, how _do_ you feel?"

Jess watched Jeremy eye his plate, using the side of his fork to break off a piece of marinated tempeh. "I feel fine. I'm ok with hanging out with you guys. I think you're right. It feels kind of weird that you're living this, like, double-life and I never see you with her or anything." Jeremy looked up at Jess. "I think it might be really uncomfortable at first. I mean, she was my guidance counselor and she knows a lot of personal stuff about me and everything. But, she's nice. I do like her. And, yeah, I want to get to know her better since you're dating her and everything. It just feels kind of unbalanced. Like, right now, she knows a lot about me, but it's not like it goes both ways when you're with your guidance counselor, so I don't really know anything about her. It might be kind of awkward for me being around her at first, knowing what she knows about me."

Jess nodded solemnly. "I can understand that."

"But, I do want to do it. Because I love you, and I know she's really important to you."

Jess leaned forward, his forearms resting on the table on either side of his plate. "I love you, too, Jeremy. And, I know it should go without saying at this point, but you do know there's no one more important to me than you, right?"

Jeremy smiled and rolled his eyes with playful exaggeration. "Yeah, I know. I'm not saying she's _more_ important, but she's definitely important to you. So, I want things to be good between me and her."

"I want that, too."

Jeremy smirked. "I want to make things easier for you than you did for Uncle Luke."

"Oh, really?" Jess could feel the warmth and love infused in his own voice. He liked seeing Jeremy like this, playfully teasing him. He felt like it happened less and less often lately.

"Yep." Jeremy smirked. "I want to get along with your girlfriend and not be 'whatevering' her all the time and giving her snarky looks every time she talks to me and making everything all tense for everybody."

Jess watched Jeremy laugh at his exaggeratedly feigned annoyance. "I do not do any of those things to Lorelai. You must have me confused with April. She's a little punk, that one."

Jeremy laughed. "Maybe you don't do them any more, but I'm guessing you did them for a long time if you were still doing them last year when I met you. And, that couldn't have been fun for Luke. So, I want to have a stress-free relationship with your girlfriend so that you have one less thing to worry about." Jeremy paused and Jess watched him collect his thoughts. "It's like, I want to be a neutral element in your relationship with Ms. Howard, not an obstacle you need to work around."

It was Jess's turn to frown. "I'm not sure I like you thinking of yourself as a neutral element or an obstacle. I'm hoping you'll get something positive out of my relationship with Mallory, too. That you'll like her company and have your own relationship with her."

"Yeah, me too." Jeremy nodded. "I just mean, I don't want to be a source of stress for you, especially when things are still new with you guys. Like, if things don't work out between you and Ms. Howard, I want it to be because of something between you two. Like, if you aren't compatible, or if you mess something up with her or something. I don't want it to be because your kid was being a jerk or didn't have a good attitude about you guys dating or anything like that."

Jess smiled. "I appreciate the sentiment buried in there, but I wouldn't apply for a job at Hallmark just yet if I were you." He went back to his dinner, muttering as he picked up a forkful of kale. "If _I _mess something up." Jess scoffed with exaggerated disdain for the idea, looking back up at his son, his expression one of feigned annoyance, wanting to keep the playfulness going. "The nerve of you. What about if _she_ messes something up with _me_? You ever consider that scenario, smart guy?"

Jeremy laughed and it made Jess smile. "You have a point. I'll give you that. It could happen that way, too. Either way, if something doesn't work with you guys, I don't want it to be because of me. I don't want anything I do to have any kind of…...negative impact, I guess, on your relationship. That's all I'm saying. That you don't need to be worried about me and Ms. Howard getting along. I like her already, and I'm pretty confident I can get along nicely with anyone who makes you happy."

"Thank you, Jeremy. Have I ever told you what a great kid you are?"

"You may have mentioned it once or twice or, you know, a million times."

Jess smiled fondly at his son, watching the boy look down at his plate as he speared a piece of tempeh with his fork, a small smile on his lips. "So, how was your bike ride?"

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Saturday morning found Jess rummaging through his dresser drawers for his swim trunks. He had bought them especially for this trip. He had never really understood why people liked the beach so much, but he knew Mallory was a fan and he wanted her birthday weekend to be about whatever she wanted to do. Jeremy was sitting on the floor with Winston, leaning up against the side of Jess's bed and running one hand slowly down the length of the dog's back. Two sets of eyes were watching Jess, when the man spoke without turning around.

"So, what are you two going to get up to this weekend? Any wild parties while dad's away?" Jess mentally kicked himself as soon as the words were out of his mouth. Jeremy's lack of a social life had become a concern for Jess over the summer, and he hadn't meant to draw attention to the issue and make Jeremy uncomfortable. Jess himself had had very few friends when he had been in high school, or even as an adult, but it was somehow more painful to watch your kid miss out than it was to have missed out yourself. College was starting next week and Jeremy would get a new start. That's what Jess kept telling himself. And, the kid was so nice and so likable, he was sure to make friends then. What had been troubling Jess lately was how down Jeremy had seemed for the last few weeks, or couple of months maybe. Jess attributed it to a lack of purpose in the kid's life without school. He knew from personal experience that working in the diner did not make for a very fulfilling life, even though Jeremy definitely seemed to enjoy being there with Luke more than he had. Jess hoped the boy's mood would turn around, too, once classes started up again and Jeremy had something mentally challenging to focus on.

"Nope. No parties, wild or otherwise. I'm working a lunch and dinner shift at the diner tonight because Monica has a wedding to go to. Then a shift at the theater after. And, I'm working early shifts on Sunday and Monday. Other than that, nothing much. Luke invited me and Winston over for dinner with him and Lorelai on Sunday night."

"Oh, yeah?" Jess turned to look at his son. "You didn't tell me that."

Jess watched the boy shrug. "Sorry. I mean it's not a big deal or anything. He said we could make dinner together or order pizza if I wanted and then we could all play a game or watch a movie or something."

Jess smiled cheerfully. "That sounds fun! You're going, right?"

Jess watched the boy sigh and wondered what he had done wrong. Too cheerful, maybe?

"Yes. You can turn your encouraging smile down a notch. I'm going." Ah. Jess dimmed his smile accordingly, but noted the boy looked amused as opposed to actually annoyed. "When do I ever turn down a chance to hang out with Luke?"

Jess turned back to his packing, carrying his swim trunks and some underwear from his dresser over to the bed, where he placed them on top of a small smile of clothes. He started working through the pile, picking up each garment and folding it neatly before placing it in his overnight bag. "You don't. You're a very good nephew like that. Luke's lucky to have you."

"I'm lucky to have him, too. And, I really like doing stuff with him. And, he's not going to be around forever…." Jess listened to Jeremy's voice trail off and he shot a glance at the boy.

"That's a pretty maudlin thought."

The kid shrugged. "Sorry. It's true, though. And, it's better to be cognizant of it now, instead of realizing it when it's too late, right?"

Jess nodded. "I suppose so." Jess wanted to change the subject. "Maybe you and me could take a trip of our own sometime."

"We got to go to Boston this summer."

"Yes, we did." Jess couldn't have pinpointed the cause of his concern, but it was the same worry that had kept creeping into his head quietly over the last few weeks of the summer, during random moments like this, when Jeremy seemed a little flatter in affect, a little off, lacking the childlike enthusiasm that Jess had come to expect from his son. Maybe, the boy had gone through a paradigm shift and had come to trust his place in the family, making him less compulsively eager to please, less effusively grateful for Jess's attention. Was that it? If so, Jess knew it was a good thing. The kid shouldn't have to feel constantly grateful, or cheerful if he didn't feel it. Maybe this was progress. "But, I was thinking maybe something just the two of us. Is there any place kind of nearby that you want to check out? Like New York or….." Jess trailed off trying to think of other destination cities that were driveable from Stars Hollow. They had just been to Boston and they had come from Philadelphia. "Maybe D.C. or Montreal?"

"I don't know. It might be hard with school starting, and homework and stuff. Maybe we could go somewhere next summer or over break or something."

"Ok." The more Jess thought about it, the more attached he became to the idea of taking Jeremy on at least one family vacation, a Mariano-only family vacation, while the boy still lived with him. He would need to start saving up for something, and get on this soon, before Jeremy did make friends at college and no longer wanted to spend any of his school break time with Jess. "Well, let's think about it and see if we can come up with something we want to do."

"Ok." Jess watched the boy nod his head, his eyes focused down on the dog.

"I'm going to miss you tonight." Jess kept his voice playful and light. He listened to Jeremy let out a soft scoff. "What? You don't believe me?"

The boy looked up now, a smile on his face. "I think it's highly unlikely that on your first ever weekend away with your girlfriend that you'll be missing me. Especially at night."

Jess laughed. "Hey, I'm being serious. I'm looking forward to spending the weekend with Mallory, sure, but that doesn't mean I won't be missing you, too. I'm a pretty good multi-tasker. You kind of have to be when you're a parent."

"Sure…." Jeremy dragged the word out with exaggerated skepticism.

"It will be our first night apart. That's a big milestone in the whole parent-child relationship." Jess continued to fold his clothes as he watched Jeremy laugh.

"Aren't you forgetting the nights you've already spent at Mallory's place? And, if they weren't that memorable this early in the relationship, it doesn't seem like a very good sign." The boy smirked. "Or you might not be doing it right."

"Ha. Ha. Ha." Jess spaced the syllables out. "I meant apart as in one of us out of town. Not just a five minute drive away in case something happens. That's a big deal." Jess took in Jeremy's skeptical expression. "Don't believe me? Ask any parent. They'll tell you the same thing."

"Uh, yeah, it's a big deal when your kid is like six or seven and going off to their first sleep-away camp or something. Not when you're kid is eighteen years old and has pretty much been taking care of himself for years."

"Huh." Jess wasn't sure how to respond. He felt like Jeremy had thrown him off by breaking their unspoken agreement to not talk about his past when Jess was trying to have a father son moment with him. It's not like Jess wanted to actively discourage it. Of course, he didn't. He wanted Jeremy to feel comfortable talking to him about anything. But, in this instance, the throw away line made Jess feel ridiculous for the conversation he had been trying to have. "I guess you're right, but you'll just have to humor me because it still feels like a big deal to me. I haven't even had you for a full year yet." Jess thought about how their one year anniversary was coming up in a little over a week, and made a mental note to do something to commemorate the occasion. Maybe take Jeremy out to dinner just the two of them. His mind wandered toward future celebrations, and he couldn't help picturing Mallory at Jeremy's next birthday dinner, their next family Christmas, maybe celebrating the anniversary of Jeremy's adoption day. On second thought, maybe that last one should just be him and Jeremy and Luke. Jess pulled himself out of his thoughts to look at his son. Jeremy was stroking Winston's head, watching the dog's drowsy-eyed reaction as the petting lulled him to sleep. Jeremy looked up and met Jess's eye, giving his father a small smile. Jess returned the smile, the thought still nagging him that something was going on with Jeremy, something he might be missing.


	2. Chapter 2 - Labor Day Weekend

**Chapter 2 Notes: **Jess and Jeremy's honeymoon phase is over, but Jess and Mallory's is still going strong...for now. :) Jeremy manages to find a fun way to spend his long weekend, too. This chapter may be a bit schmoopy, but things won't stay that way for long. Thanks for all the comments you guys left me for the last chapter. I love hearing what you guys think.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls.

"You ok, Jeremy?"

Jeremy pulled himself out of his thoughts and looked up from what he was doing, or what he was supposed to be doing, to find his uncle standing on the other side of the counter, aiming a concerned look his way. It was Saturday afternoon in the diner, during the lull between the lunch and dinner rushes. Jeremy looked down at the napkin dispensers and packages of napkins gathered on the counter in front of him. He must have zoned out while refilling them. He felt embarrassed at getting caught idle. He immediately stood up from where he had clearly gotten too comfortable on the stool. "Uh, yeah. Sorry. I'm ok." He started moving quickly then, to make up the time, efficiently pulling napkins out of the package and starting to refill the nearest dispenser.

Luke nodded. "You missing Jess?"

Jeremy scoffed. "What? No. I'm not some little kid who can't be away from his dad for five minutes." Jeremy heard the angry attitude in his voice and was shocked to find that he was actually annoyed at Luke. He was embarrassed at the idea that his uncle saw him as so dependent on Jess, as such a pathetic little kid, that he didn't think he could be away from his dad for more than a few hours without it affecting him. He knew he had probably brought it on himself by insisting on staying home for college, but it still felt shitty. Being annoyed with Luke was something new to Jeremy, and he didn't like how it felt. He made sure to keep the attitude out of his voice, to put a small, if slightly worried, smile on his face. "I'm sorry. I mean, maybe I'll miss him before the weekend's over, but I'm ok so far. I can manage without him when I have to. I'm kind of an adult, now, you know."

Jeremy watched the concern on Luke's face deepen at his reaction. "I know you are. I'm sorry if I upset you. I don't think you're a little kid. You just seem a little down today and I was wondering if Jess being away had anything to do with it."

"I'm fine." Jeremy repeated. "I'm sorry for snapping at you."

Luke smiled. "It's ok, Jeremy." "But, hey, if there is something else that's bothering you, you know you can always talk to me, right?"

Jeremy nodded, appreciative that things could be so easily set right with his uncle. He didn't think he could handle being in a fight with Luke, not with the way he had already been feeling lately. "I know. Thanks."

"All right." Jeremy could tell that Luke was going to let the issue go, and he was grateful for it. "So, tell me about your orientation yesterday. How was it? You think you're going to like it at WCC?"

"Yeah. I think so. It was fine."

"Yeah? The campus is nice?" Luke asked.

"Yeah, definitely. The campus is pretty nice and much bigger than I expected for a community college. Although, I guess I didn't really know what to expect." Jeremy thought about adding something about the school's best feature being its proximity to home, but he had started to have mixed feelings about that. Sometimes when he thought about Jess dating Ms. Howard, he wondered if he would regret the choice to stay local and commute to college. One thing Jeremy knew for sure was how much it could suck to feel like an outsider, the piece that didn't fit, in your own home. He never wanted to end up in that situation again.

"And, the teachers seem good? Like, they know their stuff?"

Jeremy huffed out a laugh as he worked. "Yeah. They seemed to. I mean, the ones that spoke to us during the orientation seemed all right. And, I got a tour of campus so I know where all my classes are for next week. Everything seems good."

"I'm glad to hear it." Luke smiled warmly at him. "What did Jess think of it?"

"Oh, he didn't go to the orientation because he didn't want to ask for the time off work."

Jeremy watched Luke's brow furrow slightly. "Is he allowed to do that? To just _skip_ it like that? He's not going to get in trouble, is he? I mean, they'll still let him start his class on Tuesday, right?"

Jeremy smiled at Luke's obvious concern for Jess. "I'm pretty sure it's legit. He's taking the part classroom, part online program, so he got to pick which orientation he took, and he opted to do the online version so he didn't have to miss work. He felt funny asking for more time off when Andrew is already letting him switch around his schedule and everything so we can take our first class together."

Luke didn't look convinced, and Jeremy laughed. "Honestly, Uncle Luke. I know he gave you a lot to worry about with school the first time around, but I think it's going to be different this time."

"Oh, yeah?" Luke was smiling now, but Jeremy could still see some thinly veiled worry in his eyes.

"Yeah. I know Jess is really grateful that you're helping him go to college. I don't think he's going to take it lightly. I think you're going to see a whole new, conscientious student side of Jess."

Luke huffed out a laugh.

"Plus, I'm in his first class." Jeremy smiled mischievously. "If I see him falling asleep in class, I'll throw him an elbow to wake him up." Jeremy took one hand off the napkin dispenser he was working on to demonstrate. "And, if he brings home anything less than a B, I won't let him watch TV for a week."

Luke laughed. "I'm going to hold you to that." Luke sighed. "I know you're right. Jess is a grown man. He wouldn't be doing this if he wasn't really committed to school this time." Luke sighed. "When I think about Jess and school, I go into this automatic panic mode. But, it's not right. He doesn't deserve that anymore." Luke paused. "Sometimes, it's hard to rewire your brain about your kids when they grow up. I know he's become this mature, responsible man and I'm so proud of him for that. But, part of me will always see him as the same seventeen year old punk he was when Liz sent him to live with me."

Jeremy thought about that. He wondered if Jess would always see him as the weepy, pathetic, kid he had been when he had first been sent to live with him. He hoped not. He didn't want that image following him his whole life.

"Hey, you know what would be fun?" Luke's delivery reminded Jeremy of Jess's when his dad had offered up the idea that Jeremy stay at Luke's while he was away, and he braced himself for the same invitation. He knew he wouldn't say no this time. He didn't need a babysitter, but at the end of the day, he loved having a great uncle in his life who cared about him as much as Luke did, and he would never purposely do anything to offend him or jeopardize that relationship. He knew if Luke asked him to stay over, he and Winston would be packing their bags and heading over after his shift at the theater tonight.

"What?" Jeremy asked nonchalantly.

"How about if you and me take the day off on Monday and go out to the lake and take the boat out?"

Jeremy was caught off guard, but in a good way. He had never been on a boat, and he immediately liked the idea of leaving town with Luke, getting away from everything and unplugging for a bit before school started. "Really?"

"Yeah, if you want to. I'm thinking we could get up really early and head out. It's beautiful out there. It's one of my favorite places. I'd love to show it to you if you're interested." Jeremy watched Luke's expression shift as if he was having second thoughts. "But, I understand if you're going to be too busy getting ready for school and stuff. No pressure. It was just an idea-."

"I would love to go."

"Yeah?" Luke was smiling again and it made Jeremy grin.

"Yeah. I've never been on a boat. Or to a lake, or like, anywhere, really. I think it would be really nice to go."

"It will be. It's really nice out there, and relaxing. I know you're used to bigger cities, so Stars Hollow probably isn't a big deal to you, but sometimes it's just nice to get away and just be in nature, you know."

"That sounds great." Jeremy thought about the camping trip that they hadn't been able to make happen over the summer due to scheduling issues. April getting the chance to fill in for a sick co-worker at a conference in New York, Jess coming down with the flu and spending the weekend on the couch, April's college roommate being back in Boston for one weekend only. Jeremy and Luke being the common denominators in disappointment at every rescheduling. "Is there any way-. I mean, I don't know how camping works, but would it be possible to go tomorrow instead and camp overnight? Or is it too late for that, or…...?"

Jeremy watched the grin spread across Luke's face. "I don't think it's too late. I love that idea, nephew! Let me make a couple of calls and talk to Cesar, but I think we should be good."

Jeremy felt himself grinning back. He heard the bell above the door ring, and watched Luke grab two menus from under the counter and walk away to greet the new customers. It wasn't until later that evening, after the dinner rush, when Luke told him that they were all set, that he had booked a campsite, that Cesar would watch the diner and Lorelai and Paul Anka would watch Winston, that the magnitude of what Jeremy had done really hit him. He had been offered one thing, a day trip to a lake with his uncle, and had essentially asked for an upgrade to an overnight camping trip. Asked solely because it was what he wanted. It hadn't dawned on him to be nervous to ask, or scared that he would be rejected. He hadn't assumed that Luke was only interested in a camping trip if Jess and April were going, or that his uncle would want to limit the trip to just a few hours if he only had Jeremy for company. He had wanted something, asked for it, and got it. Just like a normal nephew, a normal kid. It was one thing to know logically that he was a member of the family, but another to know it instinctively, to really feel loved and wanted instead of just knowing he was. He felt ridiculously proud of himself. Jeremy caught himself smiling at the thought as he walked Winston and headed over to the theater for his shift.

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Jess heard his phone buzzing on the nightstand, indicating an incoming text message. He didn't want to move. He looked over at Mallory, asleep next to him in bed, her head resting on his arm, her face relaxed and peaceful. They had spent the day at the beach, returning to the hotel room late in the afternoon to lie down for a bit before dinner. Lying down had led to sex, which had led to actual napping. Jess was enjoying himself immensely. Spending the weekend away had been a great idea. He loved that he got to spend time like this with Mallory, lying here post-sex in the early evening, unhurried and enjoying the moment. It felt amazing to be able to give their relationship the attention it deserved and not have to fit their time together around their work schedules or his time with Jeremy.

Jess heard a second buzz and knew he needed to check his texts. It could be Jeremy. His son could need him for something. He started to move slowly, trying not to disturb Mallory, gently extricating his arm from under her head. He took one long look at her sleeping form, pulled up the sheet that had only been covering half her body, and craned one arm behind him to reach the nightstand without rolling over. He fumbled briefly before his hand landed on his phone. He brought it in front of him and saw that the text was from Luke. _Hey Jess, I'm taking Jeremy camping at the lake this weekend. We're leaving tomorrow morning and we'll get back Monday afternoon. Just wanted you to know. Hope you're having a good time. _And, just like that, a tiny seed of self-doubt took root in his mind, and he was suddenly less sure that he was where he was supposed to be.

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Sunday night found Jess watching Mallory smile in the soft glow emanating from the lone candle in the dessert set in front of her in the dimly lit restaurant. Mallory thanked the waiter and waited for him to walk away. She met Jess's eye and smiled before blowing out the candle on the slice of chocolate torte, decorated in swirls of delicate cream colored icing that spelled out happy birthday on the dark blue dessert plate.

"This looks amazing!" Mallory picked up the dessert forks, handing one to Jess. "You're going to help me out here, right?"

Jess accepted the fork. "I suppose, but only because you're insisting and I'm such a nice guy." He watched Mallory go in for the first bite, chipping the point off the triangle of torte and sliding the piece through some of the icing before bringing it to her mouth. Today was her actual birthday. They had spent a relaxed day, sleeping in, going out for brunch, and walking around Mystic. They had walked by the water, gone into some shops and checked out the historic whaling ship, but mostly they had just enjoyed each other's company, holding hands as they explored the town, wrapping his arms around her and holding her close when they had taken a break to sit on a bench overlooking the ocean, watching the waves crash against the shore. They had watched a plane begin skywriting over the beach. Jess had been about to make some crack about it, about what the need for grand public gestures said about a relationship, and how skywriting itself seemed so antiquated, when he noticed Mallory intently watching an older couple at the next bench, the man holding the woman's hand and pointing toward the sky, a metal cane positioned next to his end of the bench. He kept his mouth shut and was glad he had as he watched the message form against the blue sky, _Happy 50th Anniversary, Lucy_. The woman was laughing and crying now, one hand over her mouth. The man was holding his phone, taking a picture of the skywriting, then setting up for a selfie of the two of them. Then Mallory was on her feet offering to take a picture for them, snapping the photo and congratulating them before coming back to join Jess, a huge smile on her face. Jess was glad he had kept his mouth shut. As in so many situations with Jeremy, he was starting to learn that that was often the safest way to go. "So." Jess drew the syllable out playfully. "What did you wish for?"

She smirked. "Uh-uh. No way, pal. The birthday girl needs to keep it a secret if she wants her wish to come true. Everybody knows that."

Jess smiled playfully. "I always thought that made zero sense. How can the birthday girl's boyfriend help make her wish come true if he isn't clued in to what she wants?"

"Well, since you're asking what I want…." Jess watched her smirk. "Just to be clear, this was not my birthday wish, which shall remain secret as per appropriate birthday protocol, but there is something I've been thinking about lately. Something I want that you can help me with."

Jess raised one eyebrow as he pierced the torte with his own fork. "Hmm. You have may interest piqued. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I'm thinking that we've been together for three months now, and that's a decent chunk of time. And I think things are going pretty well." Mallory paused and smiled at him. "I guess, this is where I should check in and make sure you feel the same way."

Jess was nodding before she finished speaking. "I do, Mal. Absolutely. I'm really happy with how things are going." Jess was conscious that they hadn't exchanged I love you's yet, even though Jess knew he already loved her. He could say he was waiting for her to go first, but he suspected that he needed to see her with Jeremy first, to get a glimpse of how they might someday fit together as a family, before he could let himself fully go there and make that declaration.

A warm smile lit up her face, and Jess could feel a smile spreading across his own face in response. "Good. Me too. And, I've been telling my family about you, and how happy I am with you. So, as you can imagine, they're pretty eager to meet you. And, I'm pretty eager to meet your family, too, and to spend time with Jeremy. So, I'm thinking we should do all the family meet and greet stuff soon and get it out of the way. I pretty much told my parents that if things went well on this trip and we didn't break up or kill each other once we've spent a whole weekend together, that I'd let them meet you. What do you think?"

"Huh. If that's the criteria, shouldn't we wait until tomorrow night to decide this? There's still twenty-four hours left of this trip. That's plenty of time for a break up or murder to happen."

Mallory laughed and Jess smiled. He had known this was coming. He knew it was time, had already prepped Jeremy for the same thing. But he still felt a familiar apprehension at the idea of meeting her family and having her meet his. "Yeah." He agreed. "I think it's time. I would love to meet your family."

"And….?" Mallory prodded playfully.

"And, what?" Jess played innocent.

"And, you would love for me to meet your family, too, right?" Jess watched her smile and tried to picture what Mallory would think of Liz and TJ. He knew he was too old to be embarrassed by his parents, but he could only imagine the world of difference between her pediatrician mom and veterinarian dad and his renaissance faire working, jewelry hawking, chakra balancing mother and stepfather.

Jess laughed. "How about we start with Jeremy? I know it's cheating because you already know him, but he makes the best impression of anyone in my family. Then, we can add Luke and his family. But, it could be a while for the rest." Jess smirked. "I want to make sure I have you really locked down, and so head over heels crazy about me that you can't even consider dumping my ass before I let you anywhere near my mother. I don't want her scaring you off by…..well, being herself."

Mallory laughed and shook her head at the same time. "Whatever you're comfortable with, but if that's your criteria, it might not be as long a wait as you think."

Jess put a forkful of chocolate torte in his mouth and watched Mallory do the same. He was loving this trip. He felt content, sitting here with Mallory on a romantic dinner date, making plans to increase the scope of their relationship and become more deeply entwined in each other's lives. In the moment, he could only see good things in his future. Dinner with her parents, him winning them over with his earnest affection for their daughter, despite his lack of education and professional success. Her pediatrician mother openly impressed with him for adopting a teenage boy as a single parent. Her veterinarian father equally in awe over his saving a senior dog from euthanasia. Jess being modest and self-deprecating and charming them easily. Good things felt possible, almost guaranteed. He could have this. A stray thought flitted through his mind. He hoped Jeremy was having a good time at the lake.

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"Jeremy! Hey, Jeremy, wake up!" Jeremy heard the urgent whispering and felt a hand on his ankle, squeezing gently through his sleeping bag. He rolled onto his side, trying to block it out and go back to sleep. It was dark in the tent even though he could tell from the breeze that the front flap was open. It felt way too early to do anything other than sleep. "Jeremy, c'mon." Luke persisted. "I don't want you to miss the sunrise." His leg was being shaken now, and the sleep he had been previously enjoying seemed to be giving up on him, pushing him into wakefulness against his will.

He finally opened his eyes and lifted his head to look up at his uncle. He could barely see the man's silhouette as he crouched just inside the entrance of the tent. "There you are, nephew. If I didn't know better, I'd say it was Jess's genes in you that make you sleep like that. Your dad slept like the dead when he was your age." Jeremy couldn't make out Luke's face in the dark, but he could hear the smile in his uncle's voice. Jeremy was normally a light sleeper, but he had been tired out from all the activity and fresh air of the previous day, hiking, setting up camp, even just being out on the boat had taken a lot out of him. And, he hadn't slept very well the night before. He had uncharacteristically fallen asleep as soon as he had laid down in the tent.

Jeremy sat up, putting his hand down next to him for balance and feeling only the plastic of the tent floor in the empty space beside him where Luke had slept, his uncle's own sleeping bag already rolled up and stashed in a corner of the tent. "What time did you get up?" Jeremy wasn't sure why they were whispering. They had only seen a few other campers last night, none of them too close by, but it felt right to mirror Luke, keeping his voice down until the sun was up and the day had really started.

Luke chuckled. "About twenty minutes ago." He whispered back. "I let you sleep in."

Jeremy huffed out a soft laugh. "Yeah, thanks."

"I thought we could go down to the lake to watch the sunrise. It's a great view down there. I didn't want you to miss it."

"Ok." Jeremy's brain was feeling more alert now. "Let me just get dressed."

"There's no time. Just grab your jacket and pull on your sneakers. We should go now."

Jeremy grabbed his jacket and pulled it on over his sleep shirt as he crawled out of the tent. He pulled his shoes out with him and quickly shoved them on his feet before standing up. "Ok, I'm ready."

"Ok. Follow me." Luke flicked on a small flashlight and directed the beam at the ground, illuminating a small patch of dirt in at their feet. "But, be careful. We should be fine if we stick to the path down to the lake. The ground's pretty even on the trail, but just watch out for anything that might be sticking out or in the way, ok? I don't want you to trip and hurt yourself."

Jeremy didn't know how he was supposed to watch out for anything in the dark, but after a few minutes of walking blindly behind Luke, his eyes began adjusting to the dark. As Jeremy followed Luke, he started to feel a familiar morning urge that seemed to intensify with every step. "Uh, Uncle Luke?" He whispered.

"Yeah, Jeremy?"

"I have to pee."

Jeremy heard Luke chuckle in the dark. "Ok. Let's stop here." Jeremy came to a stop behind Luke. Luke aimed the flashlight beam to the right, lighting up a few feet off grassy dirt and low growing vegetation off the trail. "How about right there? Just take a step or two over there and aim away from the trail."

Jeremy had never relieved himself outside. The day before they had been using the campground bathrooms, which were primitive, but still technically bathrooms. "Right here?" Jeremy was incredulous.

"That's what I'm thinking. Unless you can wait until after sunrise to walk over to the bathrooms."

Jeremy considered, wanting relief as quickly as he could get it, but not exactly comfortable with peeing in the woods. The growing need won out. "Ok. I'll go right here. Is, uh, is this legal?"

Luke laughed softly. "I'm not sure, but I do know you won't be the first guy to do it out here. You're getting the full camping experience. This is what people do when they're camping out in the wild, without campgrounds and bathrooms."

"Can you put the light over there again, just until I get off the trail?" It wasn't that Jeremy was afraid of the dark, he was just leary of any wildlife that might be lying in wait in the forest flora, waiting to pounce on some unsuspecting city boy with his private parts hanging out.

"Sure, Jeremy. Here, you go." The few feet in front of Jeremy were lit with the soft glow from the flashlight.

Jeremy took a few steps, feeling ridiculous and brave at the same time. "Ok." The beam of light moved away from him, leaving him in the dark. He pulled himself out of the slit in his pajama bottoms and listened to the sound of his stream of urine hitting the plants in front of him. He hoped nothing was splashing back on his sneakers. As he was finishing up, he heard a distinct rustling sound in the vegetation, way too close for comfort in his vulnerable situation and he jumped back mid-stream, heart pounding in his chest, yelping in terror and reaching a arm out for Luke. The flashlight beam was instantly back in front of him, and he felt a hand gripping his shoulder.

"Are you ok, Jeremy? What happened?" Luke's voice was close and urgent.

In the patch of light near his feet, Jeremy saw a small, brown animal, the size of a very small squirrel, momentarily frozen in the light like the proverbial deer in the headlights, before it bolted, almost soundlessly into the woods. He felt Luke's hand squeeze his shoulder. "It's ok. It was just a chipmunk."

Jeremy stood motionless in the dark, his heart hammering in his chest.

"You ok, Jeremy?"

Jeremy nodded. Then realized Luke likely wouldn't be able to make it out in the dark. He opened his mouth to tell his uncle, yes, he was ok. "I think I peed on him."

Luke laughed then, still keeping his voice low. "Well, that's one hell of a way for the poor little guy to get woken up."

Jeremy started to giggle then.

"You done here, Jeremy?"

"Yeah. I'm good. Poor little chipmunk. I feel bad that I scared him like that." Jeremy realized with embarrassment that he was clutching a handful of Luke's green canvas jacket in one hand, the way a small child holds onto their security blanket. "Oh, god! Sorry." He immediately released his grip and adjusted his pajama pants. He really hoped he hadn't gotten pee on that hand when he'd flinched. He could feel his cheeks warming with embarrassment and was grateful for the darkness. It was one thing to pee on a chipmunk that he didn't know personally and would never see again, but another thing entirely to get pee on his uncle. The thought made him giggle.

Luke chuckled good naturedly. "It's ok, Jeremy. And, don't feel too bad about the chipmunk. I think the scare was mutual."

Jeremy laughed softly as they started moving again, keeping his eyes on Luke's back as he followed him through the trail in the dark, the flashlight illuminating the path in front of Luke. "I peed on a chipmunk." His giggling intensified as his adrenaline crashed post-fright and he thought about the ridiculousness of what he had done. "I peed on a little chip or dale."

He heard Luke's laughter mingle with his in the dark. "Aren't you going to ask me if it's legal to pee on a chipmunk?" The question gave them both another bought of whispered giggled as they walked. As their giggling petered out, Jeremy was already cataloging the detail in his mind, a private joke between him and Luke to be brought out later, when they talked about this camping trip, _hey, remember the time I peed on a chipmunk. _Jeremy could feel a happy smile spreading across his face.

As they turned with the trail several minutes later, breaking from the wooded area onto the lakeshore, Jeremy could see a soft, barely-there glimmer of light seemingly emanating from the far end of the lake. He followed Luke down to the edge of the water, where he stood next to his uncle watching as the light spread out over the lake, starting out pale and intensifying in color, first a glowing yellow, streaking toward them across the lake, then a bright line of orange spreading out along the horizon as the sun rose, the colors blossoming out slowly in the sky, chasing off the dark, the colors mirrored on the water of the lake, stretching outward, bursting with bright yellow and orange colors. Jeremy felt something visceral stirring inside him. The sunrise had seemed slow moving at first, with barely noticeable changes, and then all at once it was done. The new day's sun hanging in the sky, the lake reflecting its light, shimmering brightly, but paling in comparison to what they had just witnessed. Jeremy felt himself getting unexpectedly emotional. He sniffed once, quietly. He felt Luke's hand on his shoulder, through the material of his jacket. "That was something, wasn't it?"

Jeremy nodded. "Yeah. Definitely." He felt his voice come dangerously close to cracking on the last word. What he was feeling didn't feel like a happy sadness. He compared the feeling to the happy tears he had cried the first time Jess had told him he loved him, the first time Luke had, and his adoption day. This felt different. He didn't feel overcome by happiness at the beauty of the sunrise, but bereft that it was over, as though the sight had somehow disturbed the reservoir of loss-based pain inside him. It left him with an uneasy feeling of grief and hopelessness that he couldn't explain. He could feel Luke's eyes on him and he looked away briefly, taking a minute to make sure he had himself under control before he turned to look at his uncle, taking in the man's warm smile.

"You ok, Jeremy?"

Jeremy wished Luke would stop asking him that, even as he appreciated having someone who cared about him enough to keep asking him. He smiled at the absurd contradiction of his emotional reaction. But, he knew he needed to put on a better face if he wanted Luke to stop checking on him. He made himself smile. "Yeah. I'm good. Thanks for waking me up. I'm glad I got to see that."

Luke squeezed his shoulder, his eyes looking concerned even as the man smiled at him before directing his gaze back to the lake. "It looks like everyone had the same idea." Luke nodded toward the lake, where Jeremy could see several other groups of people at different points around the lake's edge, too far away to see their faces, some already turning to start back toward their campsites. He wondered how many of them felt the way he did right now.

"Well, it was a good idea." Jeremy said.

Luke dropped his hand to his side. "What do you say we head back and get dressed? Have some breakfast?"

Jeremy looked down at himself then, feeling ridiculous as he took in his appearance, his plaid pajama bottoms pooled around the edge of his sneakers, trailing in the muddy dirt at the back. He huffed out a breath. "So, this is why you sleep in sweatpants out here, huh?"

Luke laughed. "Hey, you look good. Lots of serious campers where plaid jammies. Plus, think about how much more effort it would have been to pee on a chipmunk in sweatpants."

Jeremy laughed softly. He walked beside Luke, wrapping one arm around his uncle's lower back, tucking himself against the man's side as they walked. He felt Luke's arm circle around his body, holding him close, in a half hug. "Thanks for bringing me here, Uncle Luke. I really like being out here with you."

"Thanks for coming. I really like being out here with you, too, Jeremy." Luke's voice sounded as warm and loving as always, but it was also tinged with concern. Jeremy knew he had likely caught the man off guard with the hug, and he started to feel a little foolish for it. He pulled away as they re-entered the trail, falling in line behind Luke, as if doing so because the width of the trail wouldn't allow for anything else.

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Late Monday morning Jess and Mallory were standing side by side in front of the sink in the hotel bathroom, still in their sleep clothes as they brushed their teeth. The sink wasn't built for two, and they were standing close together so they could both look in the mirror. They had kicked off their day exactly how Jess thought vacation days should go, a lazy start, lounging in bed well past a respectable wake up time, snuggling close and talking, then joining together in what felt more like making love than having sex, slow and unhurried, completely in the moment, with nothing to distract them from each other. Jess was loving the peaceful domestic feeling of waking up with Mallory and sharing their morning routine. He met her eyes in the mirror and couldn't keep himself from grinning. "Oof!" He felt the foamy toothpaste lather running down his chin from the movement and quickly wiped at it with the hand not holding the brush. He bent forward, turning on the faucet, cupping water into his hand and splashing water onto his chin, not wanting to ruin the moment by slobbering toothpaste all over his face like a five year old. There was nothing sexy about that. When he stood back up, Mallory was looking at him, the toothbrush still moving methodically in her mouth. Jess could see her lips forming the beginning of a smile.

"Ah luf hu." She said around the toothbrush, mouth full of toothpaste.

Jess quirked an eyebrow inquisitively as he continued to brush, thinking maybe he had understood, but the pragmatist in him needing clarification for something this big before he reacted.

"Ah sed, ah luf hu." She started laughing now and a mist of white foam sprayed from her mouth. She took out the toothbrush and spit into the sink, rinsing her mouth out with water. Jess rushed to follow suit not wanting to be the guy stuck with a mouthful of Colgate during this pivotal moment.

They stood, fresh-breathed and clean-mouthed, smiling at each other in the small bathroom. Mallory laughed, amusement and affection clear in the sound. "I said, I love you. What? Do you need it written in the sky or something?"

Jess could feel himself grinning like an idiot. "I love you, too." He said it. He meant it. Now that the moment had come, it felt very, very right. He closed the distance between them and kissed her, wrapping his arms around her, feeling the warmth of her body through her light tank top, her breasts again his chest. He felt her arms around him, one hand resting on the top of his ass through the thin layer of his cotton sleep pants. He knew they weren't going to make it out by check out time.

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"You look like you're deep in thought over there. What's on your mind?"

Jeremy pulled his gaze from the truck's windshield and looked over toward Luke, his uncle's eyes already back on the road in front of him as he drove. "Nothing. Or, I was just thinking about Winston, I guess."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah. I was just wondering if he missed me last night."

"I'm sure he did, but he had Paul Anka and Lorelai to keep him company."

"Do you think Winston and Paul Anka had fun together?" Jeremy asked.

Luke laughed lightly, a small smile on his face. "I think they did their usual, sleeping on opposite sides of the living room with one eye open so they can keep an eye on each other."

"I hope Winston doesn't think I abandoned him. Last night was his first night away from me and Jess since he moved in with us."

Luke glanced at him again as he drove. "I think Winston knows how much you guys love him and that you'd never abandon him. I think dogs are pretty smart about stuff like that, who they give their loyalty to. I think he trusts you at this point to come back for him."

"Yeah, I hope so." "Sometimes it still seems crazy that I have a dog. Like, how Jess knew I cared about Winston, so he adopted him for me and saved him from being put down like that. It was such an amazingly nice thing to do. He barely even knew me then."

"It was a really nice thing to do. Jess is a pretty nice guy."

"Yeah. He is."

"Well, we'll be home soon. The little guy is definitely going to be happy to see you. I know that much. There's going to be lots of tail wagging and yelping going on."

"Yeah, there will." Jeremy smiled as he thought about how happy Winston was going to be to see him. The thought made him glad he hadn't gone away to school. Winston would have missed him, and the dog was already pretty old. Jeremy wouldn't have wanted him to go through the trauma of another loss. He liked the idea of being there for Winston until the end. Winston was one of only a handful of living beings that had ever made Jeremy feel truly loved in his life, and the thought of losing him made Jeremy's heart hurt. Jeremy sighed and tried to steer his mind toward happier things. He thought about the sunrise, being out on the lake, Luke teaching him how to sail, the lone deer they had encountered only a few feet away on their morning hike, cooking dinner over the campfire, and Luke's undivided attention through all of it. "Thanks for taking me camping, Uncle Luke. I had a really good time this weekend."

Jeremy watched Luke smile as he drove. "I enjoyed it, too. I love getting to spend time with you like this, nephew." Luke shot him a quick glance, his expression warm and caring.

Jeremy felt a relaxing warmth spread through his chest at Luke's words. "Me too."

"I think about how you're pretty much grown. How we only got to have you in our family as a kid for such a short time. In a few years, you'll be done with college, out on your own somewhere, with a job, maybe a family of your own. You won't have as much time for this kind of stuff, so I really love having you home for school and getting the chance to spend time with you like this now."

Jeremy wondered if Luke was thinking about Jess and April and not being able to coordinate the camping trip with either of them this year. The idea made Jeremy sad for Luke. "I'll never be too busy to hang out with you. You're one of my favorite people to be around."

Luke gave him another smile. "You're one of my favorite people to be around, too." Jeremy liked hearing that. He knew Luke had likely taken an interest in him and become his surrogate grandfather because of Jeremy's need for family and companionship rather than his own. Jeremy knew Luke had lots of family, lots of favorite people to be around, and he appreciated that Luke had welcomed him into his life anyway. "You know, I was thinking, you're the first person I've had in my life to really share some of my interests with since my dad died. Like camping and baseball, and woodworking. We were really close, me and my dad. He was the one who took me camping when I was a kid, and taught me carpentry and threw around a baseball with me. We were working on building a boat together when he got sick."

"This boat?" Jeremy angled a thumb behind him to where they were towing the boat.

"No, a different one. It was smaller. I had kind of an…...unhealthy attachment to it. I could never bring myself to finish it, probably because it would have meant taking it out without him, but I was obsessed with the idea of holding onto it. I ended up selling it to Kirk and buying this one." Luke paused. "You know, no one else in the family ever wants to go out to the lake with me, or take the boat out or even watch a Red Sox game. April did all that stuff with me when she was younger, and she does like camping and being out in nature, especially birdwatching, but I never felt like she was really into the other stuff, more like she was humoring me or was too nice a kid to tell me she didn't want to do something."

Jeremy thought about that. "What about Lorelai? Won't she do that stuff with you because you like it? Isn't that how it works when you're married, like you have to do some stuff with her because she likes it and she has to do some stuff with you because you like it?" Jeremy knew he had limited experience around functional families or relationships, but he'd read enough books and watched enough TV to know that's how it was supposed to go.

"Maybe she would. I don't know. She's never offered and I've never pushed it." "I guess, I've come to realize over the years, that we work better as a couple when we're either doing our own thing, or doing her stuff."

Jeremy frowned. That didn't seem fair, but he didn't want to risk sounding like he was insulting Lorelai by saying so. "Well, I'll always be willing to hang out with you, Uncle Luke." Jeremy thought back to playing catch with his uncle during breaks from the diner, watching the Red Sox game in the apartment the night of the prom, spending time in the workshop with Luke, making the birdhouse last year and the bookcase for father's day this summer, and everything they had done together this weekend. "You do happen to like doing some pretty cool stuff. But, even if you didn't. Even if you were into…" Jeremy racked his brain for activities he had no interest in. "Stamp collecting and clog dancing." He heard Luke laugh. "I'd still want to hang out with you. And, I'd learn about stamps and take a clog dancing class."

Luke smiled. "Thank you, Jeremy. That means a lot to me."

"The stuff you do for me means a lot to me, too. You spending time with me like this. I hope you know that." Jeremy said, his voice earnest.

"You're a good kid, Jeremy. I hope you know that, too." Jeremy smiled at the compliment. He felt like a good kid. He felt good in general.

Jeremy felt like the trip had been the perfect break from his life before starting school, but as the scenery became more familiar as they neared home, he could feel himself starting to come down from the experience. They drove on in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. Jeremy wondered how Jess's weekend was going.


	3. Chapter 3 - Mallory Comes Over

**Chapter 3 Notes: ** Jess brings Jeremy and Mallory together. Anxiety ensues. Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter. I love hearing from you guys! :)

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls

"- Not just a good memory, but you're best memory! The one you go to when you need to pull yourself out of a funk. The one you think of as your happy place-"

Jeremy tuned out the instructions on their first writing project once he got the gist of the assignment. Instead he found himself looking at the student in the desk next to him, watching Jess watch the instructor, just like the conscientious student that Jeremy had promised Luke Jess would be. Jeremy thought about how this was the kind of assignment he had always hated before he had met Jess and had a family and happy memories of his own. Right up there with making Mother's Day cards in first grade or that essay in seventh grade about what his family meant to him. In grammar school he had just cried quietly at his desk, but by junior high he had been smart enough to keep his mouth shut and lie, drafting a creative writing assignment instead, fabricating a family complete with two loving parents, a little sister, and a dog named Roger. He thought about all the happy memories he had to choose from now, and how grateful he felt for each one.

Jess looked up and caught Jeremy staring. Jess frowned at him, the playfulness in his eyes belying his fake stern look as he tilted his head toward the man speaking at the front of the classroom, a subtle order for Jeremy to pay attention in class. Jeremy gave him a goofy and embarrassed smile. Jess smiled back, before turning his attention back to where Mason was lecturing at the front of the classroom. Jeremy did the same. It was so cool having a teacher who told his students to call him by his first name. It was so cool being in college, where teachers treated students like grown ups.

"- three pages double spaced by next Tuesday. Just something small and easy to give me an idea of what you guys can do and where we're starting from. Does that sound good?"

Jeremy listened to the collective expression of assent from the students around him as they started packing up their laptops and notebooks. It had been Jeremy's experience in high school that any assignment of homework was traditionally met by low voiced grumbling, but college was different so far. Based on this first class, at least, students seemed much more interested in what they were learning and much more mature in general than their high school counterparts. He got the feeling college was going to be good.

"All right, then. I'll see you all back here on Thursday morning. May the rest of your day be as enjoyable as your first class!" Mason smiled as the students rose and filed out the door.

Jess already had his notebook put away in his messenger bag, small grin on his face, as he stood waiting for Jeremy to put his laptop away and join him. Jeremy got up, threw his backpack over one shoulder and clapped Jess on the arm excitedly. "That was fun, right?"

Jess laughed as they walked out of class. "It wasn't too bad. It's possible that this whole college thing won't be too terrible."

They walked down the hall, out the door and into the sunshine. "So, what memory are you going to write about?" Jeremy asked.

"Hmm…..I'm not sure. Maybe the day I adopted Winston."

Jeremy laughed.

"What?" Jess asked innocently. "He _was_ my first official child. It was a pretty big day for me when I adopted his fuzzy little ass."

"Huh. I suppose that's true. Maybe I'll write about the first time I called Liz grandma." Jess scoffed lightly, and Jeremy shrugged nonchalantly. "I mean, I never in my life had a grandmother before and always kind of wanted one. And, she _was_ the first person in the family to ask me to call them by a family name."

Jess feigned seriousness as he nodded at him. "Sounds completely reasonable. It looks like good 'ol, I'm so cool you can call me by my first name is in for two solid essays." Jeremy started to laugh, and Jess smiled at him. He felt his father's arm wrap around his shoulders, pulling him a step toward Jess's side, before Jess froze, as if realizing his mistake, and removed his arm. He gave Jeremy a sheepish grin. "Sorry about that. I should probably try to keep my hands off you when we're at school, huh?"

"It's all right. It's not going to embarrass me to have people know my dad likes hugging me."

Jeremy looked toward Jess to find the man smiling warmly at him. "Ok. Good to know." "Aren't you sticking around campus? You have another class this afternoon, right?"

"Yeah, I do. But, I'll walk you back to your car." They had driven in together that morning and Jeremy was going to take the bus home after his mid-afternoon class, while Jess drove back to Stars Hollow for a late start to his shift at the bookstore.

"Ok." They started down the walkway toward the outer edge of campus, where the parking garages were located. They passed students sitting on benches, sprawled on grassy patches of lawn and standing around talking in groups. Jeremy knew it was lame to be so reliant on Jess, but this was the best first day of school he could remember in a long time. He liked having someone to walk through campus with and talk to. He wasn't lying about not being embarrassed to be seen with his dad, but he also knew that other students wouldn't necessarily think Jess was his dad anyway. "So." Jess said. "I wanted to see if you had any plans for Saturday night."

"Um…...I don't think so, why?"

"And, you're working the early shifts at the diner on weekends now, right?"

"Yeah. For now, at least. Why? What's up on Saturday?"

"Well, I was thinking it might be a good night for you, me and Mallory to all hang out. I was thinking she could come by the apartment, we could order pizza, maybe play some Scrabble." Jeremy shot a look at Jess and saw him watching him carefully. "What do you think?"

Jeremy knew he didn't have a good reason to say no. He had no plans. He wasn't working. He wasn't sure why he felt so hesitant. It could maybe even be fun. "Uh, yeah. That sounds good." He knew he should stop talking, but somehow couldn't. "Or, you know, if you guys wanted to be alone, I could go out to a movie or something, or stay over at Luke's."

That earned him a small frown. "Jeremy, the whole point is for us to all spend time together, not for her to just see the apartment and meet Winston."

"Ok. Yeah. I was just saying…" He met Jess's eye and they smiled at each other. Jeremy laughed. "Sorry, yeah, it sounds good. As long as you don't mind getting your ass kicked at Scrabble in front of your girlfriend."

Jess laughed. "Oh, yeah? We'll see about that, kid." Jess gave him a warm, pleased smile, and Jeremy soaked it up. "All right, here we are." They were at the entrance to the parking garage where Jess had parked the Mazda that morning. "Have a good rest of your first day at school, Jeremy. I'll see you at home. Be smart. Learn lots."

"Ok." Jeremy nodded to Jess as the man gave him one last smile before turning and heading into the parking garage. An uneasy feeling settled in Jeremy's stomach. He couldn't tell if it was from being left alone on campus or the thought of spending Saturday night with Jess and Ms. Howard.

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"Hey, Jeremy, how was work?" Jeremy looked up from where he was crouched greeting Winston at the door to see Jess, dressed in sweats and a tee shirt, dusting the bookcase that Jeremy had given him for Father's Day with a rag. The bookcase had been a well received gift. Jess had thanked him profusely, telling him how much he loved it and appreciated all the work that had gone into it and complimenting the craftsmanship. And it was a nice bookcase, Jeremy could admit that. He really liked the design. It was made from light colored wood, with the back of each shelf only rising a couple of inches, enough to keep a book from sliding out the back, but giving it a less cumbersome profile, allowing the wall to be seen through each shelf. But, since they only owned a handful of books between them post-fire and used the library for most of their reading material, the bookcase sat largely empty of books.

On Father's Day, Jess had placed the one book he owned, the copy of The Subsect that Rory had given him at Christmas, on the middle of the top shelf and turned to Jeremy asking, _that's fine, right? That doesn't make me look pretentious or anything does it?_ They had both laughed at the absurdity of it. Jeremy had added the few books Jess had bought him for school over the last semester. The next day Jess had come home with a small potted plant for the top shelf and three picture frames that now sat on various shelves in the bookcase displaying the photos of Jeremy holding Leelee last Thanksgiving, Jeremy hugging Doula on his birthday, and Jess and Jeremy at the courthouse the day of Jeremy's adoption that had all previously hung on the refrigerator. The bookcase still looked like a mostly unnecessary piece of furniture, but Jeremy had appreciated Jess's effort all the same.

The best thing about the bookcase in Jeremy's opinion, after all the hours he had got to spend building it, just him and Luke, was that it had been the catalyst for a running joke between Luke and Jess. After seeing how empty the bookcase was, Luke had snuck into the apartment one day while Jess was at work and placed one of his copies of Taylor's memoir on the shelf with the handful of other books. It had taken Jess a week to notice the new addition. Jeremy could remember sitting on the couch reading a book and trying to look casual and inconspicuous as he watched Jess stop short in front of the bookcase and bark out a laugh. Jess had brought the book down to the diner the next day telling Luke that it looked like he might have lost something. Luke had feigned surprise, _hey, that's where that went! I've been looking all over for that thing! _Jeremy had tried not to giggle as he watched the exchange. Luke kept the book in the diner and every so often it turned up on their bookshelf again, sometimes snuck onto the shelf by Luke and sometimes by Jeremy. It never stopped making all three of them laugh. The book was currently in Jeremy's room and he had been debating putting it on the shelf again at some point over the weekend.

"It was good." Jeremy rubbed Winston's head as he spoke. "Kirk and Lulu brought Tulip in for the first time. She's really cute. Everyone was making a big deal over her, especially Luke."

"I still can't believe they named their kid Tulip." Jess said. "Tulip. Leelee. Doula. It's like everyone in this town has lost their damn mind when it comes to naming babies."

"It goes with Petal. Kirk said they wanted to stick to a theme for their kids' names."

Jess scoffed. "Which would make sense, except, oh wait, Petal's a pig."

"It's crazy to see such a small baby. Like, I still think of Leelee as being so little, but she's already so much bigger than when I first met her. I kind of forgot about how small she used to be until I saw Tulip. It's kind of nuts how much she's grown in so little time. And, I bet she's grown a lot more since they've been in London."

"Kids do grow up way too fast." Jess said. "My kid practically became an adult overnight."

Jeremy smiled. "Oh, and TJ brought Doula in for breakfast. Liz was already at the Renaissance Faire and TJ and Doula were going to join her later. He was asking me when we're going to use the tickets they gave me for my birthday."

"Oh, he was, was he?"

"Yeah. I guess the fair going on now is the closest location to Stars Hollow and it goes until the second weekend in October. I told him that we'd go to this one before it's over."

"Okie dokie, you and Winston have fun with that." Jess returned to dusting.

Jeremy smiled. He gave Winston one last pat and stood up. "I meant you and me we, not me and Winston we."

Jess looked back at Jeremy innocently. "Oh, you did? Huh. You weren't very clear. And, it looks like Winston thought the same thing I did and got his hopes up." Jess shook his head sadly as he watched Winston excitedly following Jeremy in his normal welcome home routine. "I'm afraid if you invite me now instead of taking him, he'll be crushed."

"Maybe we can talk about this again when you're in a more serious mood." Jeremy was standing behind Jess now, watching him. "What are you doing? Dusting?"

Jess grinned at Jeremy over his shoulder but remained in a squat in front of the bookcase as he dusted the lower shelves. "Look at those critical thinking skills! And after only one week of college! I feel like I'm getting my money's worth already."

"Ha ha. I've just never seen you dust before." Jeremy remembered then that tonight was the night that Ms. Howard was coming over. Not that he had forgotten, not when he had thought about it on and off all week, but it had slipped his mind while he was at work. "Are you seriously dusting because your girlfriend's coming over?" Jeremy wouldn't have said he felt tense or upset, and it surprised him when he heard something that wasn't exactly pleasant in his voice.

Jess must have heard it, too. His dusting hand paused, but he didn't turn around. Jeremy knew he was processing how to react and rushed to cut him off, wanting to make up for his tone. Tonight would be fine. He was an adult. He didn't have to make the situation weird and uncomfortable like a bratty little kid. "Uh, is there anything I can do to help? Anything you want me to clean?"

Jess turned then and aimed a small, grateful smile at Jeremy. "I appreciate the offer, but I've got the cleaning under control. I already hit the bathroom and the kitchen, I'm just going to straighten up in here a little, and I'll wait to vacuum until you take Winston out." Winston walked up to Jess at the mention of his name, tail wagging and nose lifted, sniffing toward Jess's face. Jess reached up a hand to pet under the dog's chin. "You don't like the vacuum, do you buddy? No you don't. It wrecks your zen, doesn't it, little guy?" Jeremy smiled as he watched his father play with the dog. Everything was fine. Everything would continue to be fine. Jess turned back to Jeremy, as he got to his feet. "I'm thinking I'll have time to finish up here and fit in a run and a shower before Mallory gets here." Jeremy could tell something serious was coming from the way Jess was looking at him now. "I really appreciate you hanging out with us tonight, Jeremy. I want you to know that. It really means a lot to me. To Mallory, too. So, thank you."

Jeremy nodded, feeling decidedly more stressed than when he walked in, though he knew he didn't have a valid reason for the feeling. "Yeah. Of course. It's no problem." He looked away from Jess's warm smile, down at Winston, over toward the newly dust-free bookcase. "So, uh, I'm going to jump in the shower. I smell like fries."

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Jess was in his room changing into his running clothes and thinking. He still had over an hour before Mallory was due over. That was plenty of time to get in a few miles and still have time to pretty himself up before Mallory arrived. He had some anxiety about tonight and he knew that a good run would help him calm down and feel better about everything. He didn't know what exactly he was worried about. Mallory was a good person. So was Jeremy. And, they already knew and liked each other. It wasn't like he expected anything to go wrong per se, he was just worried that it wouldn't go as well as he wanted it to. That things would be strained and tense. He got the distinct vibe that Jeremy wasn't as ok with him dating his former guidance counselor, maybe with him dating anyone at all, as he let on. Jess remembered Jeremy admitting that he wasn't entirely comfortable with the situation, but he wanted to try because he wanted Jess to be happy, and the memory brought with it a certain amount of pressure and guilt.

Jess was worried about things going so poorly tonight that he would need to do something, make some kind of change, he wasn't exactly sure what, to help Jeremy adjust. The last thing he wanted was for Jeremy to be uncomfortable in his own home. Jess had figured that pizza and Scrabble was a good way to spend their first evening together since he knew they both liked Scrabble and the game would give them something to focus on instead of just making conversation. He knew he shouldn't be this worried, knew it was stupid. Even if tonight was the picture of social awkwardness, even if it was Bop-It level bad, he wasn't ready to make any decisions, or even consider ending things with Mallory, based on one evening. This might be a slow process of adjustment and that was ok. He felt like he was more anxious than the situation strictly called for, but he hadn't been able to think of anything else all day, and all that thinking had left him feeling a little uneasy.

Jess walked out of his room to see Jeremy lifting a refrigerator magnet to take a drawing off the fridge. It was the only one up there, the childlike family portrait that Jeremy had recreated and given Jess for Christmas after his original drawing had been lost in the fire back in Philly. He crossed the apartment to the kitchen. "Hey, what are you doing with that?"

Jeremy looked like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "Huh? Oh, this?" The boy looked down at the drawing in his hands. "Uh, I was just helping you clean up for when Ms. Howard gets here."

"Oh, yeah?" Jess raised an eyebrow and gestured toward the paper in Jeremy's hand. "Was that particularly dirty?"

"Huh? Oh, no, I just, uh….."

Jess held out one hand and tried to keep his tone playful and light. "I believe that belongs to me and I'd like to put it back up if you don't mind." Jeremy didn't comply immediately, as Jess had been expecting. The boy looked down at the picture he was still holding, then back at Jess with such a wounded and annoyed look in his eye that Jess became momentarily aware of the vulnerability of the piece of paper, as he imagined the boy ripping the sheet in half. But, Jeremy didn't do that. Of course, he didn't. He handed it over to Jess.

"I don't want that up when Ms. Howard gets here, ok?" Jeremy said, his tone part defiant and part pleading.

Jess looked down at the picture in his hands, the crude depictions of himself, Jeremy and Winston that greeted him every day when he opened the fridge, the captions that he had accused Jeremy of getting backwards at Christmas, 'best dad ever' over the cartoon Jess and 'luckiest kid ever' over the depiction of Jeremy. He could still remember Jeremy telling him that art was all about perspective, and that according to the boy's own, the captions were true and correct as they were.

"Ok?" Jeremy repeated, sounding impatient. "Jess? Did you hear me?"

Jess looked up feeling slightly hurt at the boy's tone and a little annoyed himself. He wanted to tell Jeremy to take it easy, to just calm down and relax, but he knew that had never been a helpful thing for him to hear when he had been Jeremy's age, had only incited more irritation and attitude rather than serving to calm him down. He kept his voice even and level. "I heard you. May I ask why?"

"Are you serious?" Jeremy was looking at him like he was surprised at the stupidity of the question. "Because it's embarrassing." He spoke like he was explaining the obvious, and not particularly enjoying having to do it.

"I love this drawing. It makes me happy every time I see it."

"Yeah. I know. And, I'm fine with it being up when it's just us. But, not when you're having someone over. Can we please just put it back up in the morning? Or whenever Ms. Howard leaves if she's staying over."

Jess sighed. "She isn't staying over." But, Jess was hoping for a time when she would. A time when maybe she would spend a lot of time in his apartment, the three of them existing as kind of a family, and he hated the idea of having to hide something that meant so much to him from her. "What embarrasses you about this, Jeremy?"

Jeremy rolled his eyes, but Jess could see the anxiety beneath the bad attitude. "It looks like a little kid did it. She's going to think I actually draw like that, like I'm some kind of moron."

"No, she's not. She'll understand what you were going for here-"

"It's ridiculous. And it's private. And I don't want it up."

Jess frowned. "I don't think it's ridiculous."

"Fine, but it _is_ private. Can you at least give me that much? The stuff I wrote was for you. It was just meant for us. Can't we just stick it in a drawer or something when people are over?"

"Luke and April have both seen it and that didn't bother you, did it?"

"No, but that's different. They're family. I don't want Ms. Howard seeing it. Or, well, anyone else really, I mean, it's not about her, specifically. I just don't want anyone else seeing it."

"Ok. I hear you." Jess felt his heart sinking, but his philosophy when it came to Jeremy and family stuff had long been, whatever makes Jeremy comfortable, and he knew right now was a chance for him to walk the walk. "If you're not comfortable with Mallory seeing the drawing, it'll go in my room for now. I'll put it in a drawer where she won't see it. Does that work?"

"Yes. Thank you."

"I never want to make you uncomfortable, Jeremy. Especially in your own home. You know that, right?"

Jeremy nodded. "Yeah. I know. Thanks for listening to me and understanding and everything."

"Sure." Jess wanted to reach out to his son, to put a hand on the back of his neck and kiss his head or pull the boy into a hug, but something about how Jeremy was carrying himself, the crossed arms, his body angled slightly away, warned Jess that the contact wouldn't be welcome. Instead, Jess carried the drawing back to his room before heading out for his run. He opened his sock and underwear drawer, but before he put the drawing in, he flipped it over and read the writing on the back, marking the date along with the description, _the first time my son_ _called me dad - 'best present ever'_. He remembered that Christmas morning, just him and Jeremy before they had headed over to Luke's to celebrate with everyone else. He reflected on how he had thought the hard times were behind them now, that they had already weathered the worst, Jess's job loss, the fire, living hand to mouth in the motel, and taken the biggest risks, going through with the adoption and committing to each other as father and son. He felt like things should be easier now, and he wondered if it had been foolhardy to have rocked their little boat so soon by dating Mallory. Jess felt his mood dip even further. He really needed that run.

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Jeremy had the unsettled feeling he always got when he was stuck waiting for something to happen. Ms. Howard was supposed to get to the apartment at seven o'clock. It was now six forty. Jeremy was sitting on the couch trying to read his history textbook, but he couldn't concentrate. He was nervous. He really wanted Jess to get home. He wanted Jess to be home and out of the shower in time to welcome Ms. Howard when she arrived. He expected the evening to be awkward enough as it was and he really didn't want to add to that by having to make small talk alone with Ms. Howard until Jess was ready. He wondered if he was still supposed to call her Ms. Howard now that he had graduated and was seeing her as his dad's girlfriend instead of his guidance counselor. He didn't want to sound like a little kid if she was expecting him to start calling her Mallory, but he also didn't want to presume that level of familiarity when their previous relationship had been a professional one. He figured it was best to either call her Ms. Howard right away and let her invite him to call her Mallory, or to avoid the issue all together and work around directly addressing her at all, but he wasn't sure whether that would come across as rude. Jeremy sighed. He shouldn't be the one feeling so awkward when it wasn't even his date. But, on second thought, he realized that was the exact reason why he was feeling so awkward and anxious. It wasn't his date. He didn't even belong here. He was just going to be the third wheel and that was always awkward. He wondered whether Ms. Howard even wanted to do this or if Jess was pushing it on her, too.

Jeremy sighed. He put down his book and sat down on the floor next to Winston. The dog opened his eyes as Jeremy started petting him, shifting slightly, lifting one leg in the air to give Jeremy better access for belly rubs. Jeremy took a few deep breaths as he pet Winston. He was working on trying to be more optimistic and not letting his anxiety spiral out of control. He wasn't really sure how to do that, but he felt that being calm was a start. The deep breathing was helpful, as was petting Winston. Being around Winston always made Jeremy feel better. He had heard Jess say that it was impossible for him to be stressed or worried when he was running, and that was how Jeremy felt about being with Winston. Sitting here like this, watching Winston's ribcage rise and fall with his own peaceful breathing, the dog content to lay here with him and get petted, felt very soothing to Jeremy. He thought about how different his childhood would have been if he had had a pet for comfort during that long, lonely stretch of time when he hadn't had a parent or a family.

Winston's tail started to wag and Jeremy looked toward the door. He hadn't heard footsteps on the stairs, but Winston's nose was always the first indication that Jess was on his way up. Winston climbed stiffly to his feet, his tail wagging more excitedly and headed toward the door, Jeremy forgotten in the dog's haste to do his duty and greet a returning member of his pack. Jeremy heard footsteps then, and soft voices, a laugh that wasn't Jess's as the door started to open. He felt his stomach tense. Then Jess and Ms. Howard were standing in the doorway, Winston tapping around them excitedly, nails clicking on the hardwood floor, as he investigated this new person.

"There's my good little boy!" Jess said to Winston. Ms. Howard was bending down, holding out a hand to Winston, who was sniffing it enthusiastically. Jess looked toward Jeremy, and Jeremy had a bad feeling that Jess was about to make his regular joke about Jeremy being his other good little boy. "Hey, Jeremy, look who I found on my way home."

Jeremy realized what he must look like sitting on the floor by himself doing nothing and got to his feet. He wiped his hands down the side of his jeans in case he had any dog hair on them. Was he supposed to shake hands? He wasn't sure.

"Hi Jeremy." Ms. Howard was looking at him with a big smile on her face. She was crouching now and had one hand on Winston's back petting him while he sniffed around near her side, where she was holding a white box in her other hand. She wore a long green open cardigan over a cream colored tee shirt and a pair of jeans and it felt odd to see her so casually dressed. "It's good to see you. How have you been?"

"Uh, hi Ms. Howard. I'm good. How are you?" He felt awkward, like a small child speaking to an adult. He hoped he hadn't come across as ridiculous as he felt. It felt weird having someone from school in his home. At least her hands were occupied so he hadn't had to figure out the whole hand shaking thing.

Ms. Howard stood up then and Jeremy could see that she was holding a white Weston's bakery box in the hand that hadn't been on Winston. "You can call me Mallory if you want to, Jeremy. Since, you've graduated high school and I'm not here on official guidance counselor business. But, either way works. I answer to both." If her smile hadn't been so warm, Jeremy would have questioned whether she was making fun of him.

"Oh, ok. Sorry."

She smiled. Her attention was all on Jeremy, while Jess was looking back and forth between them. "It's ok. I know it can be tricky to know what to call someone when you see them in a new context for the first time." She turned to include Jess. "Thanks for having me over tonight. I've been looking forward to this all week."

Jeremy let out a breath that was half scoff, half laugh. He hadn't meant to. His awkwardness has manifested itself in the noise all on its own. He saw Jess shoot him a slightly stern look that wouldn't be noticeable unless a person knew to look for the tension around his smile and the lack of crinkly skin around his eyes that told Jeremy that his smile wasn't authentic. If Mallory noticed, she didn't let on, her bright smile didn't falter.

Jess addressed Mallory. "Thanks for coming over. We've been looking forward to this, too. Haven't we, Jeremy?"

"Yeah. Yeah, of course." Jeremy pasted a smile on his face and made sure not to make any other sounds.

"I brought dessert." Mallory held up the bakery box in both hands. "Weston's famous rum balls."

"Thanks, Mal." Jess took the box from her. "You do know Jeremy's only eighteen, right? I would think a professional educator would be a little more responsible about handing out rum balls all willy-nilly to innocent children." Jess smirked, and raised the hand not holding the pastries playfully, palm out toward Mallory. "Hey, I'm not judging, I'm just sayin. I'd hate to have to report you to the school board or something for contributing to the delinquency of a minor."

Jeremy watched Ms. Howard, Mallory, grin at Jess and smack him on the chest lightly. "Yeah, keep giving me crap and we'll see who doesn't get any rum balls, pal."

Jeremy felt a tightening in his stomach as he watched them. It felt unsettling somehow to see how close they were. It's not like Jeremy didn't know they'd been dating all summer, and how much Jess obviously liked her, but it still caught him off guard to see Jess acting this familiar with someone. Shortening Mallory's name, giving her the smirk and playful attitude that Jeremy had only ever seen him use around family, mostly himself and Luke, the comfort level between them when Mallory had smacked him. He knew they had probably kissed hello when they had run into each downstairs. It's not like he didn't know from listening to Jess how into Mallory his dad was, but seeing them like this, in this fully developed relationship, with comfortable intimacy that Jess had been cultivating seemingly behind Jeremy's back, it felt different somehow, and strange. Jeremy felt a twinge of loneliness.

"Well, I need a shower-" Jess started.

"Yeah, you really do." Mallory agreed.

"Seriously?" Jess asked her. "It's like that?"

"Yep." Mallory laughed at Jess's comically offended expression. "I love you, but, yeah, it's like that. You smell kind of rotten."

"I love you, too. That's the only reason I put up with this abuse." Jess gave Mallory a quick kiss on the lips, and Jeremy watched them both smile affectionately at each other as they pulled apart, as if no one else was in the room. Jeremy's mind was still stuck on their casual I love you's. Jess handed the pastry box to Jeremy. "All right. I'm going to go shower. Can you go put these in the kitchen? And, can you grab the credit card off my nightstand and order the

pizza while I'm in the shower? I'm starving."

Jeremy nodded as he accepted the box. "Yeah, sure."

"Thanks, kid." Jeremy felt Jess's hand, slightly damp with sweat, cupping the back of his neck and he reflexively dipped his head in anticipation of the kiss that always followed. He was instantly embarrassed to realize that his conditioned response had kicked in in front of Mallory and he abruptly pulled back from Jess. Jess gave him an odd look, but Jeremy couldn't tell if Jess was embarrassed for himself at Jeremy's rejection or if he felt sorry for Jeremy for having assumed Jess wanted to kiss him to begin with. Either way, it didn't leave Jeremy feeling good. Jess gave him a small smile and turned to include Mallory. "Ok. So, you guys order whatever you like. I'm good with anything. But, get a salad, too, ok? I'll just be five minutes." Jess turned and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

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Jess showered as quickly as possible, barely toweling off his hair. He felt like an ass for being late, and now for leaving Jeremy to entertain his company alone while he showered. He had lost track of time during his run. He hadn't realized quite how much stress relief he had needed until he had gotten out there, and by the time he realized how late it was, he had had too much distance to cover back home to arrive on time. And, now, fuck! He realized he hadn't brought clothes into the bathroom with him. He was going to have to run to his room in just a towel. He wouldn't have thought twice about this at Mallory's apartment, possibly would have left the towel in the bathroom and walked through her apartment naked if it was late and the curtains were drawn. But, he never did this around Jeremy. They were both good about bringing their clothes in with them and getting dressed in the bathroom after they showered. At first, he'd been cognizant of not wanting to make Jeremy uncomfortable by running around in just a towel or even just boxers. He had remembered at least that much from the foster care classes, that you never knew what a kid had been through and whether the sight of a half-naked adult would be triggering. He wasn't worried about anything like that now with Jeremy, but he felt stupid about this happening for the first time when Mallory was over. He was afraid of how it would look, as if Jeremy's comfort wasn't important to him or the unspoken norms of their household no longer mattered just because his girlfriend was over.

Jess sighed and wrapped a towel around his waist. At least he lived in Luke's old room now and didn't need to run through the entire length of the apartment to get to his old bedroom. He opened the door and padded quickly across part of the living room and into his bedroom. He heard Mallory laugh and glanced over his shoulder to see Mallory and Jeremy sitting on opposite ends of the couch, two glasses of water on the coffee table in front of them, Winston at Jeremy's feet, a grin on Mallory's face and a serious expression that he couldn't read on Jeremy's. "Two more minutes. I forgot my clothes." He called as he closed himself into the bedroom. He felt like a shitty host. Or, more like a shitty co-host to Jeremy since he felt like his absence was likely making his son more uncomfortable than Mallory.

When Jess emerged the second time he was wearing jeans and a grey cotton sweater pulled over a tee shirt and feeling much better about things. His hair had had better days, but he knew it wouldn't be wise to take the time to style it. Mallory looked up at him from the couch with a smile and Winston raised his head and thumped his tail against the mattress of his bed a couple of times. Jeremy was the only one who wasn't giving off happy to see him vibes as he approached. Jess wondered what the boy was thinking.

A phone on the coffee table buzzed and Jess watched Jeremy pick it up and stare at the screen. "That's Luke." The boy kept his eyes trained on his phone as he spoke. "The pizza's here. I'll go down and get it." A beat later, Jeremy was on his feet and out the door.

"Thanks, Jeremy." Jess watched him go and turned back toward Mallory, running a hand through his damp hair. "Am I totally fucking this up?"

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Jeremy paused outside the door, not meaning to eavesdrop, but hearing Jess's voice all the same, his question clearly cementing the teams, Jess and Mallory on one, and Jeremy on his own, again, the person to be discussed and managed, the one on the outside. He walked down the stairs feeling naive for believing things could have gone any other way.


	4. Chapter 4 - Pizza and Scrabble

**Chapter 4 Notes: ** This picks up right after the last chapter with Jess, Mallory and Jeremy hanging out at the apartment. Thank you for all the comments I received for the last chapter. I really appreciate all the feedback I get and the chance to hear what you guys are thinking about the story.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls

"How are things going up there, nephew? You having a good time?" Jeremy stood by the counter, facing Luke, the pizza box warm in his hands, the salad in a large plastic container balanced on top.

Jeremy nodded. "Yeah. It's fine." He could tell from Luke's concerned expression that he hadn't sounded very convincing, and he felt annoyed with himself for not being able to muster more enthusiasm.

"She seemed nice when they passed through the diner. Jess introduced me. Or, well, I introduced myself, I guess." Luke chuckled at himself and smiled at Jeremy.

"Yeah. She is nice, uh, really nice. Things are going well." Jeremy forced a smile to prove how well things were going.

"Good. I'm glad to hear it." The diner was bustling around them, but Luke's attention was all on Jeremy as they stood on opposite ends of the counter at the far end of the room, in a pocket of quiet, his smile warm and contagious. "And, I know you know this, Jeremy. I'm sure Jess tells you all the time. I'm sure you're a smart enough kid to figure it on your own. But, he loves you so much. And, nothing will ever change that. No matter who he dates, or even marries, no matter what. You know that, right, nephew?"

Jeremy smiled back. "Yeah, I know." He did know it logically, but the knowledge hadn't done much to assuage the start of loneliness he had felt around Jess and Mallory. But, he loved Luke for trying to make him feel better. He thought about how lucky he was to have someone like Luke, knowing he could hang out in the diner or go over to Luke's house if he ever needed someone to talk to or to get out of the apartment. He not only had one forever person, he also had a backup. He thought this must be what having a second parent would feel like. Taking stock of his support system helped him feel better, safer. "I'm not a little kid who's worried about his dad replacing him." Jeremy spoke playfully, with no heat to his words. "I do know he's capable of loving both of us at the same time."

"Good." Luke smiled sheepishly. "I figured you did. You are a pretty smart kid. I just wanted to make sure, just in case you were thinking anything else."

Jeremy smiled. "I appreciate that." He was in no rush to head back up but he knew he should.

"All right." Luke said. "I don't want to keep you. If you make Jess wait too long for his dinner, he'll start digging into his secret junk food stash."

"He still actually thinks it's a secret. He's so ridiculous." They shared a laugh at Jess's expense. "I should go back up. Have a good rest of your night, Uncle Luke."

"You too, Jeremy. Have fun."

Jeremy walked behind the counter toward the stairs, then turned back at the last minute. "Oh, I put the book out earlier. I'm hoping Mallory finds it and questions what she sees in him." They exchanged a smile and Jeremy could hear Luke's chuckling fading beneath him as he climbed the stairs, feeling lighter and better than he had when he'd gone down them just moments before.

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"All right. Let's see what we've got here." Jess had taken the food from Jeremy and set it on the table, where he had laid out plates and silverware and glasses of water, with the Scrabble board set up in the middle. He had had so much time to set the table that he had been starting to worry that Jeremy had bolted when the boy had walked back in with the food, looking significantly more relaxed than when he'd left. Jess took the lid off the salad and passed it to Mallory who had taken a seat at the table. He opened the pizza box and paused. Shit. "It looks like they gave us the wrong order." Mallory was looking at him curiously and Jeremy was washing his hands at the kitchen sink, his back to the table.

"Really? What did they send?" Mallory asked.

"Sausage and bacon." Jess stood looking down at the pizza with a frown.

"Ah." Mallory's tone was playful. "I can see why you're confused, since you probably would have ordered something healthy like kale, or asked for the crust to be made out of cauliflower. But, you did leave the ordering up to me and Jeremy and we agreed that pizza done right involves lots of processed meats. And, really if you aren't going to do it right, why do it at all?" She grinned. "Right, Jeremy?"

Jeremy had walked back over to the table and was standing hesitantly next to it, no longer looking relaxed. "Uh, yep."

Jess leveled a serious look at his son, part concern and part reprimand. He didn't like this, Jeremy feeling like he couldn't be himself in his own home just because Mallory was there. It felt too much like when Jeremy had first come to live with him in Philly, and the boy had never offered an opinion or asked for anything, not wanting to be a bother, constantly apologizing for his own existence.

"It's fine, Jess. I'm fine with this." Jeremy said as he pulled his chair away from the table and sat down. Jess could see a familiar blush rising on the boy's cheeks as he focused his gaze down on the empty plate in front of him and he decided to let it go, to talk to his son later and not make things more awkward in the moment. But, it was too late.

Mallory looked back and forth between them. "Um, am I missing something here?" She stopped on Jess. "C'mon, I know you like to eat healthy, but you're not really upset about this, are you?" She smiled, her voice taking on a wheedling tone. "It's one measly little unhealthy meal. It won't kill you."

"Jeremy's a vegetarian." He had said it because he didn't want Mallory to think he was a controlling asshole, but speaking for Jeremy and watching the pink color on the boy's face increase in intensity made Jess feel like one anyway.

"It's not a big deal, Jess." Jeremy spoke to his plate. "It's fine." Jeremy shot him a pointed look, a clear request for Jess to let it go.

"Oh!" Mallory registered surprise. "I didn't know that. We could have gotten something else-"

"It's fine." Jeremy cut her off.

"Jeremy." Jess tried to infuse a slight warning into his voice, even as he felt wary about making things worse.

Mallory was looking at Jeremy earnestly, as the boy stared at the Scrabble board in front of him, looking like he wanted to be anywhere else. "I'm sorry, Jeremy. I should have asked what you wanted. I didn't mean to force this on you." Jess knew it wasn't likely that Mallory had forced anything on his son. She wasn't like that. It seemed more likely to him that Jeremy had been asked and had told Mallory he was good with whatever she wanted. He had thought they were well past this sort of behavior and the realization that they weren't left Jess feeling deflated, and a little sad for his son.

"This is fine." Jeremy's voice was low and flat, and Jess knew he shouldn't have said anything. He knew he had embarrassed Jeremy for no good reason. The pizza was ordered. It was here as it was, meat and all. He should have kept his damn mouth shut and dealt with it later, just him and Jeremy. "It's not a big deal. Really."

Mallory ploughed on undeterred, a warm smile on her face. "Well, next time, we'll have to get half meat and half veggie." Jess felt something in his heart warm at her mention of a next time. He shot her a grateful look for her positive outlook. He just had to keep thinking positively like she did. This would all work out.

"All right, then." Jess said brightly as he sat down, trying to salvage what was left of the mood before they veered irrevocably off course. "Let's eat and play some Scrabble!" His voice sounded fake and annoying even to his own ears. He felt as though he had regressed back to the overly cheerful image he had often projected in the early days of Jeremy living with him, when he had never really been sure of what to do, and most of what he said had been driven by the fear of messing up. He grabbed the crusted edges of the two pieces of pizza closest to him and started to pull them apart. "Hold out your plate, Mal." He watched Jeremy thank Mallory and accept the salad she handed him, the boy giving her a small apologetic smile when their eyes met. Mallory turned to Jess, offering him her plate and an encouraging smile. Jess took a calming breath as he served her. This night wasn't turning out as he'd hoped, but it was still early. And, he loved both these people. So much. And he was willing to put in the effort and do whatever was needed to make this work. He tried to remind himself that relationships, like all good things, took time to develop. This would be ok. Everything would work out. Jess reached for another slice of pizza. "Ok, Jeremy. You're next." Jeremy obediently raised his plate toward Jess.

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Jess was playing a pretty poor game of Scrabble. He couldn't concentrate on the game. He was too busy focusing on the flow of conversation, deciding when he should fill an awkward pause or when to leave it, paying attention to Mallory and Jeremy and trying to read their comfort levels and make sure they were doing ok. Mallory definitely seemed ok. Jeremy was harder to read.

Jess had come to a place where he was very comfortable around Mallory, but it felt different tonight. Mallory had heard him talk about Jeremy before, sure, but she had never actually observed him in the role of parent, interacting with his son like this. The idea of Mallory possibly judging him as a parent was bringing back some of the early relationship anxiety of wanting to present himself in the best possible light. He found himself holding back a couple of not so nice comments about their English composition teacher when Jeremy was responding to Mallory's questions about the class they shared. He knew Mallory would have found his criticisms funny, would probably have thought Mason was a tool, too, if she had him for a teacher, but he wasn't sure where Mallory would stand on him running down a teacher in front of his son. He didn't want her to see him as being unnecessarily negative, or a bad example, in front of his kid.

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Jeremy finished laying out his tiles. "Oh, good one!" Mallory told him, her smile bright. "Thirty-four points!"

"Thanks." Jeremy reached into the pouch for his replacement tiles.

"Yeah, good job, Jeremy. You're having a really good game tonight." Jess recorded the score on the notepad in front of him, then contemplated his own tiles as he listened to Jeremy pick up where he had left off with Mallory before his turn.

"So, other than the class I'm in with Jess, I'm taking Human Biology, Calculus, U.S. History Post World War Two and American Sign Language One."

"That sounds like a solid course load." Mallory said. "You're focusing on the general education requirements that you can transfer to a four year college in a couple of years, right?"

Jess remembered that Mallory actually knew about this stuff, that she knew much more about navigating a kid's path through college, or even about kids in Jeremy's adolescent demographic in general, than he did or likely ever would, due to her job.

"Yeah. Definitely. I want to make sure I can get credit at a four year school for everything I'm taking now and that I'll be ready to focus on my major for my last two years of college."

"And, do you know what you want that to be, your major?" She asked.

As Jess laid out his tiles to form a word, he watched Jeremy shrug out of the corner of his eye. "No. Not really." Jeremy frowned. "Do you think it's bad that I'm already in college and I still don't know what I want to do?"

"I don't. Not even a little bit." Mallory smiled at the boy.

Jess added up his own score and watched Mallory glance down at her own tiles, her attention still clearly focused on what Jeremy was saying. "It's just like, sometimes I worry that if I don't know what I want to do by now, I might never know. Like, I've thought about social work, but I think that's maybe just because I was exposed to social workers all my life, the way lots of kids consider being a teacher at some point during their childhood because it's what they've seen the most of."

Mallory looked at Jeremy as she spoke. "I know it's easier said than done, but I don't think you should put pressure on yourself. You have plenty of time to figure out what you want to do. That's what the next couple of years are for. I think you'd make a great social worker if that's what you choose to do, but you certainly don't have to decide that now. You might take a new class or have a new experience and find yourself interested in something you haven't even thought of yet."

"I guess." Jess could tell Jeremy was agreeing to be respectable, but remained unconvinced.

"That's what happened to me. I didn't know what I wanted to do when I started college."

"Really?" Jeremy asked. Jess watched Mallory play her tiles, forming a four letter word for twelve points.

Jess frowned at Mallory before recording her score. He gestured toward the board with the end of his pencil. "I'd tell you good job, too, Mal, but it really wasn't." Mallory huffed out a laugh in response. Jess liked the idea that she was too distracted bonding with his son to care about the game. Things had started out awkward but Mallory had drawn Jeremy out, asking questions about his summer, his camping trip with Luke, his college classes, and now Jess felt like what he was watching was probably close to the counselor-student dynamic Mallory had shared with his son when she had been the kid's guidance counselor, the rapport that had made Jeremy comfortable enough to open up to her about his childhood and his adoption. The evening had gone from Jess feeling like he needed to steer the conversation to feeling a little like a third wheel.

"Really. I'd always thought I'd go to medical school and become a doctor, like both my parents. They didn't necessarily push me toward it, but I knew they liked the idea. All through high school, I volunteered as a candy striper at my mom's hospital and helped out at my dad's clinic. He's a vet, so that one was way more fun. And, I really like people and I really like animals, but I think deep down I always knew that medicine wasn't for me. But, I started out college in the pre-med program anyway. I think I was more attached to the identity of being the girl who was going to become a doctor, than I was to the idea of actually practicing medicine oneday."

"So, what happened?" Jeremy hadn't looked at his tiles yet as he listened to Mallory. "How did you decide to switch to counseling?" Normally, Jess did not tolerate lollygagging in Scrabble, and would make some sort of tick tock comment or threaten to pull out the small plastic hourglass they kept in the box and time Jeremy's turn. But, Jess liked to think he'd learned a thing or two about when to keep his damn mouth shut, even if he had briefly forgotten that lesson earlier in the evening.

"Well, I was pretty high stress in college. And, the classes were hard and everything, but looking back now it's pretty obvious to me that a lot of that stress came from forcing myself to do something that didn't really make me happy. My sophomore year, my anxiety got so bad that it was hard to focus when I studied. I couldn't sleep. I lost weight. I started having panic attacks. After a particularly rough one, I went to see one of the school therapists. She was great. She really helped me deal with my anxiety like no one else in my life would have been able to. It made a big impression on me. I realized that I wanted to be able to help people like that, too. I finished out the science classes I was already enrolled in and then started taking psychology classes the next semester."

"That's really cool. You can tell you really like what you do." Jeremy nodded earnestly. "I always thought that when I saw you at school. Like, you seemed happy to be doing what you were doing."

Mallory smiled. "Thank you, Jeremy. I appreciate that."

"I hope I find something that fits me that well."

"You will. I know sometimes when you're young, it can feel like you need to have your whole future figured out. But, you don't. You don't even have to when you get older. Things change all the time. What you think you want to do at eighteen might not be what you want to do at twenty-five, or thirty, or even forty. People change careers and go back to school all the time. Look at Mr. Forrester. He didn't figure out what he wanted to do until he was in his late twenties, but he went back to school and now he really enjoys teaching." Jess reflected on Mallory using Dean as her example instead of him. He supposed it made sense. He was making a big change by going back to school in his thirties, but he didn't really have a clear idea of what he was working toward, or how he wanted to use his own college degree once he earned it. He hadn't really thought past the hope of feeling safer, economically, if he had one. It hit him that Mallory, with an education and an established career that she enjoyed, was capable of giving Jeremy certain life advice that he wasn't. "I think most people end up where they belong if they keep an open mind and keep following what interests them and doing what they love."

Jess watched Jeremy nod solemnly as he took in her sage advice. "Yeah. That makes sense." Jess smiled at how sweet and adorable his kid was. How kind and generous his girlfriend was. And, how good his life was and how lucky he felt. He thought about the wisdom Mallory was laying on his son, and how the philosophy she was prescribing had worked for him on a personal level, if not a professional one. He thought about the people he'd loved in his life. How Luke had made him feel worthy of being loved to begin with, which had made his relationship with Charisse possible. How Charisse had pointed him down the long, twisting road toward fostering, which had led to Jeremy. And how being Jeremy's dad had led him back to Stars Hollow, back to his family, but also in a new direction toward Mallory. He felt good, very good, content, even.

When the conversation didn't resume, Jess spoke up, his voice teasing. "Hey Jeremy, don't make me go get the timer."

Jeremy turned to him in surprise, then grinned and looked down at his tiles. "All right. I'm going."

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"-so, yeah." Jeremy said. "It was kind of cool to run into him. Like, I wasn't sure if I was going to say anything to him or not. He was sitting across the room from me, but he came up to me after class, so…..Sometimes it's nice to see a familiar face, even if it's not someone you were actually friends with, you know?"

The Scrabble game was long over and they were sitting in the living room eating the rum balls Mallory had brought and drinking tea. Jess and Mallory were on the couch, purposely not touching, not wanting to make Jeremy feel uncomfortable, and Jeremy sitting in the armchair, his legs pulled up on the chair, knees out to the sides, ankles crossed in front of him, looking like a little kid, Winston curled up on the floor next to him.

"Yeah. Absolutely. A familiar face can be nice." Mallory agreed. "Now that you're telling me this, I remember that Marty was going to WCC, too. I think he has a brother a couple years older that went there too, if I remember correctly. Sean, I think."

"Yeah." Jeremy said. "He mentioned that. He said his brother graduated last year."

"Did Marty say whether Sean went on to a four year school after WCC?" Mallory asked.

"I don't think he said. He just said his brother lives with a bunch of roommates in an apartment near campus."

"Marty Knox?" Jess raised an eyebrow at his son. "Why haven't I heard this kid's name before? Why didn't you tell me you ran into someone you knew from high school?"

Jeremy shrugged. "I don't know. I guess it didn't come up with you. Ms. Howard, or Mallory." Jeremy blushed slightly at using her first name. "Was asking me."

"And, I never ask you about school? I don't ask you about your day every night?" Jess kept his voice playful, even though it did irk him a little that Jeremy was freely sharing a detail of his life with Mallory that he hadn't told Jess about. "Way to make me look like a shitty dad in front of my girlfriend. Thanks for that." He turned toward Mallory, jerking a thumb over his shoulder toward Jeremy. "Don't listen to anything this kid says about me. Between him and my uncle, one of them's always trying to make me look bad." Mallory smiled and sipped her tea.

Jeremy laughed. "It wasn't a big deal, and it's not like you would have known who he was. Me running into Marty would have been less of a significant detail to tell you."

Jess frowned with comic exaggeration at his son. "Hey, any detail of your life is significant to me. I like hearing all your details. I'm your dad. No detail is too small for me. I care about everything that happens to you." "So, you just have the one class with this kid?"

"Yep, just the biology class. But, that class ends right before lunch on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and we ate lunch together on Wednesday and Friday this week, so that was cool."

"That's definitely cool." Jess agreed, happy to learn that Jeremy had someone to hang out with at school.

"Like, I'm not sure if we're going to be actual friends or anything. I'm not sure how much we really have in common, but it's nice to have someone to sit with in the cafeteria." Jeremy paused. "Oh, he was on the baseball team. You would have seen him at the games. He played left field."

"Yeah, that doesn't help me. All the kids who weren't you kind of all looked the same to me and blended into the background." Jess said.

Jeremy laughed. "We were talking about looking for an intramural team to play on in the spring…..so that could be fun."

"That's something in common right there. That's great, Jeremy." Jess didn't want to over do it with enthusiasm, but it made him happy to think of Jeremy making a friend this early into his college career. And, a regular friend, not a girlfriend. Jess hadn't really had many male friends in his life before Chris and Matthew and once he met them, he'd wished he'd started cultivating real friendships earlier. They were important, and often longer lasting than romantic relationships, especially when you were young. He knew that now, and he wanted Jeremy to have that in his life.

"Yeah." Jeremy said. "We'll see." Jeremy yawned, covering his mouth with one hand. "Is it ok if I take Winston out and then get ready for bed?"

Jess turned to Mallory again, his tone light. "So, not only do I not ask my son about his day, but I beat him if he goes to bed without my permission. I hope you're getting all this. I'm clearly the worst dad ever."

Jeremy laughed, but Mallory lifted the hand not holding her tea, palm out. "Whoa! Mandated reporter here. Child abuse jokes so not cool!"

"Yeah, Jess. So not cool." Jeremy added with a smirk.

Jess scoffed. "Huh. You two are already teaming up against me. Can't say I really enjoy that very much….."

Mallory smirked. "Then I guess you should learn not to piss us off."

"I'll work on that." Jess turned to Jeremy. "Of course, you can go to bed, Jeremy. If you want, you can leave Winston out here and I'll take him outside when I walk Mallory out and then let him into your room."

"Ok. Thanks." Jeremy got to his feet, yawning again and stretching his arms out to the sides. "Good night. Thanks for letting me hang out with you guys tonight. I had fun."

"So, did I." Mallory smiled warmly at Jeremy. "I had a really good time."

Jeremy started to head toward the bathroom. "Seriously?" Jess said.

Jeremy turned. "What?"

"I seriously don't get a goodnight hug because Mallory's here? What the hell is that?" Jess extended one arm in Jeremy's direction, moving his fingers back and forth in a come here gesture.

Jeremy huffed out a laugh. "You're so ridiculous."

"Yeah, well, this ridiculous guy wants a hug from his son, so get over here."

Jeremy's smile was goofy and young. The boy gently rolled his eyes as he took the few steps toward the couch and bent down to give Jess some sort of half hug. Jess wrapped one arm around Jeremy's shoulders and pulled him down further, dropping a kiss on his head before releasing him. "That's more like it."

Jess watched a light shade of pink creep up on Jeremy's cheeks, but he didn't feel bad about it. Some things he wasn't willing to give up. There would come a time when Jeremy wouldn't be living with him, within easy reach for hugging. Until then, Jess was going to take full advantage. He smiled an overly bright smile at his son. "Goodnight, Jeremy."

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Jess held Mallory's hand and Winston's leash as they walked to her car. "It's feel good to finally get to touch you. Not touching you sucks."

Mallory laughed. "We can ease into that. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable."

"I know. And, you were right. It still sucked being around you and not having my hands on you."

"It wasn't ideal for me either, but it was for the greater good."

"Thanks for coming over and doing this, Mal. I think it went really well."

Mallory squeezed Jess's hand. "I do, too. I knew it would. Jeremy's a great kid."

Jess smiled at her. "Yeah, he is. You're pretty great yourself."

They stopped in front of her car. Mallory looked a little uncomfortable. She glanced over her shoulder in each direction. It was after midnight and there was no one around. "I want you to know that I'm saying this as your girlfriend, not in my official capacity as high school guidance counselor."

"Um…..ok…" Jess was caught off guard by her sudden change in demeanor.

Mallory lowered her voice. "Marty got in a lot of trouble in high school. His brother Sean got in even more. From what I understand, they both spent a lot of time drinking and vaping marijuana in high school, sometimes even on campus, during free periods or after school. Marty was one of the kids who got kicked out of the prom for getting high. You remember the boys you saw using the vape pen in the bathroom?" Jess nodded slowly. "His brother was accused of sexual assault at a party during his senior year. It wasn't a school matter, so I'm not really clear on the specifics. I just know the kids at school were saying that he got really drunk a lot at parties and stuff. The charges ended up being dropped, but none of the teachers were shocked by the allegations."

"Ok." Jess nodded seriously. "Thanks for the info, but I'm not sure what I can do about this. Jeremy's old enough to choose his own friends. I mean, you're not saying I should tell him that he can't hang out with this kid, are you?"

Mallory shook her head. "No, of course, I'm not saying that. I just wanted you to know, so that you can…...I don't know, keep an eye on things, I guess. I'd hate to see that little asshole rub off on Jeremy."

Jess huffed out a soft laugh. "Are guidance counselors allowed to call teenagers little assholes?"

Mallory waved a hand in front of her face and down to her chest. "This is girlfriend capacity right here. I'm pretty sure I made that clear."

"Ok. Well, thanks for the heads up. I appreciate it." Jess smirked. "And, trust me, I don't want any little assholes being rubbed on Jeremy either." He snickered like a little kid. "I'll keep an eye on him. I promise." Jess leaned in for goodnight kiss, trying to put the focus back on them. He raised an eyebrow when Mallory ended the kiss rather quickly. "That's it?"

Mallory smirked. "I don't want to make Winston uncomfortable, either."

"Hey, don't let how short Winston is fool you. He's a grown up. He can take it."

Mallory laughed and returned her lips to Jess's, resting one hand on the side of his head as they kissed.

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Jeremy was lying in bed wide awake, the sleepiness he had felt coming on in the living room having disappeared when he brushed his teeth and washed his face. He felt awake and alert, and his mind was churning in that familiar unproductive way it always seemed to at bedtime. Tonight's thoughts were good and bad. The evening had gone much better than he had expected, and he chided himself for having spent so much time worrying about it all week. The night had started out awkward and he knew it was mostly his fault. He felt a new wave of shame when he thought about how he hadn't told Mallory that he didn't eat meat. He didn't know why he did things like that. Why he refused to speak up for himself or admit to something in the moment that was only going to come out later and be even more embarrassing then. Mallory hadn't acted like he was a freak, though. That was something. Although, Jeremy figured that she wasn't the kind of person, either because of her empathetic nature or the training from her job, that would let someone know she thought they were a freak even if she did. But, their conversations afterward had been good. She had seemed interested in his life and college and in getting to know him in a capacity beyond that of her former student. He hoped he had asked her enough questions, too, so that he looked polite and interested in her stuff. Now that she wasn't his counselor any more, their conversations shouldn't be all about him. He hoped he hadn't said anything too stupid. He had been interested in what she was telling him about going to therapy when she was in college, especially how her therapist helped her deal with her anxiety. He wondered if she would be willing to talk to him more about that, maybe even meet up just the two of them to discuss it. He wondered if that was an appropriate thing to ask even though he no longer went to her school.

There was a soft knock at his door. He loved that Jess always knocked. Not every foster parent or group home worker had. Sometimes it was the smallest things that could set Jeremy off contemplating how grateful he was for his life as Jess's son. "Come in." He called out, knowing Jess would stand out in the hall until he did.

Jess opened the door slowly, Winston trotting in as soon as the opening was wide enough to fit his little barrel shaped body through, his nails tapping excitedly on the floor as he approached the bed to greet Jeremy. Jeremy held one arm down and rubbed the dog's head.

Jess leaned casually against the door jamb. "The little guy wasn't too happy to see your door closed just now. I think he was worried you'd booted him as your roommate and he was going to have to bunk with me."

"Aw." Jeremy stroked the soft fur of Winston's ear. "I wouldn't do that to you, buddy. You're always welcome in here. I wouldn't make you put up with Jess's horrible snoring like that."

"Wow. You're just ganging up on me with everyone tonight, huh?" Jess said, smile on his face.

Jeremy huffed out a soft laugh and looked up at him. "Sorry. I guess you're just fun to gang up on."

Jess smiled warmly at him, but when he spoke, Jeremy could hear the slight uncertainty in his voice. "So, did you have a good time tonight?"

Jeremy smiled back. "Yeah. I did."

"Mallory's pretty great, isn't she?"

"Um, I'm pretty sure I knew she was great before you even knew who she was."

"True." Jess took a few steps into the room and paused by Jeremy's bed. "You mind if I-"

Jeremy had already sat up against the headboard and scooted his legs over to make room before Jess had finished his question. Jeremy had been expecting a conversation. Jess laughed softly and sat down. "Thanks."

"You want to talk about the pizza, right? That I didn't tell Ms. Howard, uh, Mallory, that I don't eat meat."

Jess nodded. "Why didn't you? Did it slip your mind that you're a vegetarian."

Jeremy rolled his eyes dramatically. "No. Of course not."

"Did you legitimately want to experiment with some of the gateway meats?" Jeremy gave him an annoyed look. "Hey, I'm not judging, just asking."

"No."

"Did you not say anything because you think Mallory's such a bully that she'd pick on you about your life choices?"

Jeremy rolled his eyes again. "I know you think you're being funny, but you're really just being annoying."

"You know how to put us both out of our misery, here, Jeremy."

Jeremy sighed. "I really don't know why I didn't say anything. It was stupid. She asked what I liked and I said I liked anything and that I was good with whatever she wanted. She picked bacon and sausage, I said that sounded fine, and that was it." Jeremy looked down at Winston, who had laid down in his bed next to Jeremy's. He spoke quietly. "I just didn't want to be a hassle, I guess."

"Ah, the truth comes out." Jess said.

Jeremy gave him another look. "You're doing that thing again, where you think you're funny, but you're really annoying."

"It can't be helped. We need to talk about this. You aren't a hassle. No one in my life will ever see you as a hassle. If they do, they won't be in my life for very long. I need you to understand this." Jess's voice was serious now, firm, and Jeremy didn't look away, even as he felt shame welling up at the idea that Jess thought he needed this lecture. "You are my son and you have the right to have your needs met when you're with me, Jeremy. Even if it's something as trivial as ordering pizza. If it's something we're doing together, what you want will always matter to me. It will always matter to Mallory or anyone else I date because I will never date anyone who doesn't understand how important you are to me." Jess leveled a stern look at Jeremy. "Do you understand me?"

Jeremy nodded.

"Can you maybe verbalize that, Jeremy?"

Jeremy sighed. "Yes. I understand."

Just like that, the stern expression was gone and Jeremy found himself on the receiving end of a warm smile. "Good. I love you, and I want you to feel comfortable being yourself around Mallory."

"Ok. I get it."

"Now, on to a more pleasant topic." Jess grinned. "Do you know what Tuesday is?"

Jeremy nodded, feeling slightly uncomfortable as he thought about the English assignment that was due on Tuesday. He knew Jess would probably expect him to write about the adoption, but he had tried a couple of times and kept getting stuck. It felt too personal to share. "It's the day our essays are due in Mason's class."

"What?" Jess feigned shocked disbelief. "Fuck that guy! Tuesday is our one year anniversary. I'm thinking we should go out to dinner or do something that night, just me and you. What do you say?"

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It wasn't until after Jess had gotten ready for bed and was walking to his own bedroom to turn in for the night that he noticed the book, proudly sitting on the bookcase, hard to miss in bright red, white and blue. He picked it up and looked down at Taylor's picture, smiling to himself. He walked back to the kitchen table and set the book down in a prominent spot, so he'd remember to bring it back to Luke the next day. He wondered if Mallory had seen it.


	5. Chapter 5 - Writing Composition

**Chapter 5 Notes: ** Jess and Jeremy turn in their writing compositions with mixed results. I'm thinking Andrew's part might get a teeny bit bigger in this sequel. I'm feeling his pain and kind of enjoying writing him. Thanks for the comments for the last chapter! I'm glad to see that some readers are liking this story more than the first. I was nervous about adding a sequel. :)

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls

Jeremy kept his eyes trained straight ahead. Not really watching the instructor, but wanting to make sure he didn't make eye contact with Jess while his composition was being read. He didn't want to see the look on Jess's face when he realized Jeremy had let him down. Mason had chosen five essays to be read out loud followed by a class discussion and critique. He claimed he hadn't chosen them for any reason related to quality and that he would select compositions by different students each week. He kept the author of each essay anonymous and he encouraged the class discussion to be open and honest, assuring them that a writer could learn more from authentic, constructive criticism than they could from praise alone. The first essay read had been about crossing the finish line of a marathon. Out of curiosity, Jeremy had looked around the room to see if he could identify the author, but no one had been having a noticeable reaction to the composition being read. Jeremy was impressed at the author for both running a marathon to begin with and for maintaining a poker face during the reading. He was pretty sure he would turn beet red when the time came for his own composition to be chosen. He hadn't had to wait long to find out. After several minutes of Mason asking the class for the strengths and weaknesses of the first essay, what worked for them and what didn't, the teacher started reading another composition, and Jeremy had felt his heart rate pick up speed as he recognized his own opening line.

Jeremy felt a knot forming in his stomach as he listened to Mason read his words out loud. It was a little disorienting to hear his thoughts spoken by someone else. He felt vulnerable, but a little disconnected at the same time. He knew Jess had likely expected his composition to be about the adoption, or finding a dad and a forever family, or any of the myriad of warm, fuzzy experiences and moments that Jess had filled the last year of his life with. He knew he had led Jess to believe it by joking that he was going to write about the first time he called Liz grandma. And, he had tried. He had sat down at the table, at the desk in his room, laid in bed with his laptop, and tried to write out how happy and complete he had felt at the adoption, or the first time he had called Jess dad, when his heart had been full of equal parts fear and love, or how loved and relieved he had felt when Jess had restored his last physical connection to his mother and replaced his copy of the photo that had been destroyed in the fire.

He had tried to write up each of those experiences and a few others, but he couldn't. It all kept turning out like garbage. Nothing felt right, nothing he wrote seemed to carry enough weight to fully describe the intensity of the feelings he had experienced in any of those moments. It had all ended up sounding trite and frivolous, and far too personal at the same time. He still hadn't had anything ready to turn in by last night, and he knew he had needed to get something down a on Word document, just for the sake of the assignment at that point, even if it didn't genuinely reflect his happiest moment. He had tried to think of something with less intensity, something that had made him genuinely happy, but that he could describe without too much difficulty or emotional risk.

Jeremy shifted in his seat as Mason finished reading. He knew he was blushing, could feel the telltale warmth in his cheeks and neck and felt even more embarrassed as he realized that people would know this piece was his.

"All right. So, what do we think about this one? Let's start with the strengths." Mason prompted the class as he pulled back from his laptop and stood up.

A student two rows over from Jeremy raised her hand. Mason looked over. "Yes. Kelly. What did you think?"

"I liked it. I felt like he gave us a good picture of their relationship without really explaining it. Like, even though he didn't come out and tell us who the other guy was, I felt like we could tell the other man was a father figure to him, and that he meant a lot to him."

"I agree." Mason nodded. "I felt like he tried to _show_ us a snippet of the relationship instead of just _telling_ us about it. Do you guys agree?"

He called on another student. "Yeah." The boy started. "Like, I think he focused on what they were doing and how they related in the moment, instead of just how he felt about the guy."

"That's a great observation. Can you cite a specific example of something that made you think that?"

Jeremy tuned out the boy's reply. He could feel Jess looking at him and he wondered what the man was thinking. Then as the student speaking started to wrap up his response, he saw Jess casually lift his left hand out of the corner of his eye. He felt a slight panic as he watched Mason focus on Jess. "Yes. Jess."

"I like how the author explained the complexity of emotion he felt when he witnessed the sunrise. I felt like it touched on the idea that there is inherent grief in even the most beautiful experiences if for no other reason than that they don't last. It felt real and also a little reminiscent of Frost's _Nothing Gold Can Stay._"

"Well said." Mason agreed, looking pleased. "It actually reminded me of the same poem."

Another hand went up, and Mason turned to his left, raising a hand to point at another boy, one whose mental state Jeremy often wondered about when the guy's responses to questions made him seem out of it to the point of possibly being high. "Yes. Trevor."

"So, my favorite part was when he peed on the chipmunk." Jeremy listened to a few people laugh quietly at the comment. The boy nodded sagely as though the class was agreeing with him. "It's like, that's real life, you know. Like stuff happens, and sometimes you pee on a chipmunk and sometimes you're the chipmunk that gets peed on." The boy ended his comment with a what are you going to do shrug and Jeremy found himself smiling. He snuck at glance to the side to find Jess looking at him conspiratorially, a small, barely noticeable smirk on his face, mocking Trevor only to Jeremy. Jeremy remembered being at Luke's house before they had moved back to Stars Hollow, at their first dinner with the whole family, when they had met each other's eyes across the table and shared their first private joke at TJ's expense. Jeremy smiled back, then turned his attention back to the front of the class.

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Two more essays were read, one about a young mother holding her new baby for the first time, and one about winning a high school tennis championship. The one about the birth hit Jeremy hard, making him think about his own mother falling in love with him when he was born, with no idea that she would leave him alone and defenseless in the world in just a few short years. As grateful as he was for Jess adopting him and loving him, he felt a sense of bone deep grief whenever he thought about losing his mother so young. He loved Jess so much, his life was so much better as Jess's son, but what they had didn't replace the parent-child bond that he had lost and spent his whole life missing. He wondered if there would ever come a time when hearing someone talk about their love for their parent or their child didn't make him sad. Thinking about his life from this side of the adoption sometimes felt odd. He had looked at adoption and acquiring the elusive forever family as a sort of holy grail throughout his childhood, something he had spent so much time seeking and longing for, crying and praying for. Something that would fix everything. He could see now that the reality was more complicated than that. That for the million things that having a family could fix, there would always be so much pain that it couldn't. He hated that he still thought like this. It wasn't something he would ever share with Jess. It made him feel guilty and ungrateful.

Jess's composition was the last one read. Jeremy listened to Mason describe his adoption from Jess's point of view. How Jess felt when he was being sworn into court, how terrified and ecstatic he had felt when it was done, how overwhelmed at the idea of this young man he loved so much allowing him to be his dad. About how being a parent was the hardest thing he had ever done, but how it had given his life a purpose he'd never known before and had never really thought he would have. As uncomfortable as Jeremy felt listening to something so heartfelt and private, as much as he could feel a wave of warmth on his face as he blushed for the second time, he could also feel a warm, cozy feeling in his chest, a love and gratitude for the man sitting one seat to his right. Jeremy looked down at the desk in front of him, knowing that he would likely get emotional if he made eye contact with Jess. He looked away, to his left, as though out the window, and made the mistake of locking eyes with a student sitting two rows over and one row back. A guy who was staring at him with open curiosity and maybe a little sympathy. Like so many other people had his entire life when they learned he was a foster child. Like he was a freak.

Jeremy snapped back around to face the front, feeling a different kind of warmth spreading through his body, an anger that rose quickly and threatened to bubble over the surface. He tried to talk himself down. Fuck that guy. He didn't matter. Who cared what that asshole thought? He should have expected this. The only people in the class old enough to have lived this story and adopted a teenager were Jess and a woman who looked to Jeremy to be in her late thirties. And, Jess had used the term 'dad.' And, Jeremy and Jess came and went together, talked before class started, smiled at each other when something funny happened. Jeremy should have known that people would guess who the author was, and that people would recognize their bond and assume that he was the boy in the story, the foster care lifer, the one that no one had ever wanted. The loser. The kid who wasn't normal. He couldn't be that person again.

Jess should have known better, that people would put two and two together and figure it out. He have thought about how Jeremy would feel. He shouldn't have written this. It wasn't his to write. The adoption had been the culmination of Jeremy's entire life, it was something that had happened to him. _Him_. It had been such a small part of Jess's own life, barely on the man's radar for the past year. It was Jeremy's story to tell or not tell. Jeremy felt annoyed and betrayed, his personal information out there for everyone to see, so he could be the loser kid that nobody wanted. Again. He looked at Jess as Mason finished speaking. Jess was looking at him with clear affection in his eyes, Jeremy got the impression he had been for a while. Jeremy could feel his blood boiling, had no doubt that his expression looked as heated as he felt as he watched the small smile fade from Jess's face, replaced by worry and concern.

Jeremy looked back toward the instructor, looking past Mason, staring hard at the whiteboard at the front of the class. He barely heard Mason prompting the class for their thoughts. He could see a few people looking toward Jess, maybe toward him, as they figured it out based on Jess's age. Jeremy kept his eyes straight ahead. He just wouldn't look at them. They couldn't hurt him if he didn't let them in, if he didn't even acknowledge them. Fuck them. Fuck everybody. Jeremy could feel his heart beating fast in his chest. He could barely hear the student who was speaking, something about him thinking the story was about a gay marriage at the beginning, two dudes at city hall becoming family, and how he'd thought it was interesting when it was revealed to be an adoption instead because he had never really thought about stuff like that. Jeremy tuned out the rest of the discussion, he didn't need to hear these assholes discuss his adoption or his life, something they didn't have a clue about. He didn't need to hear Jess's composition being praised. Jeremy knew it was good, but that didn't make it less _wrong_.

When Mason wrapped up the discussion a few minutes later and dismissed the class, Jeremy stood up and bolted without a word to Jess. He was already down the hall and outside the building, trying to control his stride and keep himself from flat out running away, when he realized he had left his backpack in class. Fuck! Jeremy hoped that Jess had noticed it and picked it up for him. He felt a wave of shame at the idea that Mason would find it and hold it for him. What kind of student runs out of class and forgets their entire backpack? But, whatever. He had left his laptop at home today and his wallet was in his jacket pocket. There wasn't anything in his bag that he absolutely needed. He wasn't going back.

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Most of his anger had subsided, but Jeremy still felt uncomfortable as he took a seat in his afternoon history class. He had kept walking after his English class, looping around the campus, between buildings, down walkways, across grassy areas, avoiding the garage where Jess had left his car, but knowing that continuing to move was his only chance at burning off his energy and calming down before his next class. Once he felt mostly back to normal, or at least ok enough that he felt he could be around people without losing it, he had circled back to the cafeteria, picked up food and eaten lunch by himself on a bench in an isolated part of campus. Then he had stopped by the school store and bought a pen and a notebook, not wanting to show up to class with no way of taking notes. He had thought about ditching the rest of the day, just taking an earlier bus home and getting away from everything. Jess would be at the bookstore. He could just hang out with Winston for a bit and just be. But he didn't want to be someone who ran away. People could look at him however they wanted, say whatever shit they were going to say to him, but he couldn't let that keep him from going to school and getting an education. He'd been here before and survived. He could do it again. He just hadn't expected to have to.

"Uh, hey."

Jeremy looked up from doodling in his new notebook to the find the same guy who had been watching him in English class taking a seat at the desk next to his. Jeremy noted that the other student, Harrison he was pretty sure his name was, looked uncomfortable and a little nervous before he glanced back at the notebook in front of him, ignoring the greeting and pretending to focus on what he was doing.

"I brought you this. You left it in English class."

Jeremy looked up again to see the guy holding out a familiar navy blue backpack across the aisle between their desks. It was still a few minutes until class started and only a couple of other students had already arrived, two girls who were talking animatedly on the other side of the room. Jeremy idly wondered if they had known each other in high school or if they were just that good at connecting with new people.

Jeremy reached out and accepted the backpack, relieved to have it back. "Thanks."

"Yeah. No problem." The guy seemed to want to say more, but was unsure of how to go about it. "Uh, that guy that you always come to class with, Jess, right?" Jeremy nodded. "He was going to grab it for you and give it to you when he saw you later, but I told him I had this class with you so I could bring it to you if he wanted. In case you needed anything in it for this class."

Jeremy looked up again, nodded. "Thanks, but I didn't." Then set his eyes back on the notebook on his desk. He knew this guy was building up to questions. Like always. To the thoughtless and insensitive questions that always followed when someone learned he had grown up in foster care, and he was in no mood for it. He didn't need a friend bad enough to put up with it. Not any more. He had spent the summer alone except for family and he had been fine. He could tolerate being friendless for much longer if he needed to.

"Oh. Ok. Well, I didn't know that." The guy sounded disappointed at not getting more recognition for his good deed. Jeremy wondered if he had expected Jeremy to answer his questions out of gratitude for the return of his backpack. Fuck that. "You're Jeremy, right?"

"Yep." Jeremy spoke without looking up. He knew he was probably being a dick, but he wanted this guy out of his face.

"I'm Harrison."

"I know. I've seen you in class." Jeremy kept his voice as flat as possible to deliver the message to Harrison that he wanted no part of the conversation, no part of him.

"And, that guy, Jess, he's your dad? He adopted you?" Harrison was apparently a slow learner.

Jeremy could feel his anger rushing back and he looked up now, making direct eye contact. "Yeah. Why do you care?"

"Uh, I…..uh-" Harrison looked guilty now for upsetting Jeremy. Good, he thought. Let the fucker feel bad. Maybe it will teach him to mind his own fucking business. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to piss you off." And, he did look genuinely sorry. He did look like he felt bad that he had upset Jeremy.

Jeremy sighed. "Look, I know you probably have questions you want to ask me about growing up in foster care. I get that people are always curious about what it was like. But, I'm just going to give you the abridged version, and tell you it sucks, because I really don't want to talk about it. And, we don't even know each other, so it's really none of your business."

Harrison nodded sympathetically and Jeremy kind of wanted to punch him. "It's not my business, you're right about that. But, I'm not curious." He glanced behind him and lowered his voice as a few more students entered the classroom, talking among themselves. "I already know it sucks. I was in foster care, too." He paused and all Jeremy could do was stare at him. "I guess I just wanted to bring you your backpack and say hi and introduce myself."

Oh. Jeremy stared back at him, feeling like an asshole. "Hi." Was all he could think to say.

Harrison's expression shifted into a small smile. "Hi."

Jeremy wanted to say more, but the teacher had started speaking and he didn't want to be rude or miss anything. He watched Harrison smile again and turn his attention toward the front of the room. Jeremy did the same.

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Jeremy waited until the instructor was focused on a student on the other side of the room and pushed the home button on his phone, again, lighting up the screen. No messages. He was starting to feel bad about how he left things with Jess, running out of class without a word. He wondered if Jess hadn't texted him because he felt bad about what happened or because he was angry at Jeremy for his reaction. He considered texting Jess himself, but he wasn't sure what to say. He knew he couldn't hold what Jess wrote against him, not when he had tried to write about the same thing himself. And, he had kind of been interested in hearing what Jess had to say before he had seen Harrison staring and assumed the worst. He wasn't angry anymore, but he still felt a lot of emotions swirling around inside, and he wasn't looking forward to his anniversary dinner with Jess. He just kind of wanted space tonight. To think. To not have to celebrate something that required him to feel grateful for the basics, like having a family or being loved. He shot a glance toward Harrison, watching the other boy watch their professor. He wondered what Harrison was doing after class.

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"Hey, Jess." Jess looked up from where he was crouched behind the counter, fiddling with the computer cables. The internet was out and he had been checking the connections. Andrew stood on the other side of the counter, wearing a light jacket, his messenger bag slung over one shoulder.

"Hey, Andrew." Jess stood up, and took in his boss's red eyes and pained expression. "Is everything ok?"

Andrew nodded slowly. "As ok as it can be today." He looked away briefly, past Jess. Jess watched take a slow breath. "Today is Jonathan's birthday." He looked back at Jess. "I thought it might be easier to be here instead of sitting home alone, but I think I was wrong."

Jess felt an instant swell of empathy for the man. This would be Andrew's son's second birthday since he had been killed by a drunk driver the previous summer, and Jess knew that Celeste was in New Jersey until the weekend, having gone down to take care of her sister who was having surgery. "I'm so sorry, Andrew." Jess never knew what to say when Jonathan's name came up, as it sometimes did, when they were in the empty store like this, nothing maudlin, just Andrew wanting to talk about his son the same way Jess wanted to talk about his. Jess tried to be a good listener whenever Andrew brought up his son. He had read somewhere years ago, that the desire to talk about a deceased child never went away, was often compounded by the need to keep the child's memory alive, but the number of people willing to listen shrank considerably a short time after the death. Most people didn't want to hear about someone's dead child, wanted to avoid the idea entirely, as if the condition were contagious.

"Thank you." Andrew nodded. "Would you mind closing tonight if I take off?"

"Uh." Jess's first thought was his anniversary dinner with Jeremy, and he knew he was too slow to keep his reluctance from showing on his face when he saw recognition register on Andrew's.

"Oh, tonight's your one year anniversary with Jeremy. I forgot about that."

Jess felt like an ass. "It's fine, Andrew. I can stay until closing. Me and Jeremy can do something another night. It's no big deal." And, Jess knew that his plans weren't a big deal compared to what Andrew was going through. Jeremy would understand. They could do something on the weekend instead. And, Andrew had been so cool about allowing him a flexible schedule for his college class. He should be willing to accommodate whatever the guy asked of him.

"No. No, that's important, too." Andrew's expression was serious. "You leave whenever you need to, Jess. Just close up behind you. I think the town can manage one evening without an open bookstore."

"Ok. Thanks. If you're sure?" Jess asked hesitantly, not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth, but not wanting to take advantage of Andrew's kindness, especially today.

"I'm sure." Andrew adjusted the strap on his messenger bag. "I was just sitting in my office thinking about how we tried to have a second child after Jonathan. We had tried for years before Celeste got pregnant with him, and then after, to try to give him a brother or sister. But, it didn't happen, we couldn't. Celeste brought up the idea of adopting and I didn't take it seriously. I kind of blew her off. I told her we should keep trying instead. She eventually gave it up. Now, I think about how stupid I was." Andrew's voice sounded thick, choked up. "Losing a child is complete devastation. Nothing could have made the loss feel like anything less than that. But, on days like this….I think about how much easier it would be to keep going, to even get out of bed in the morning…..if I had another person in the world that I love the way I love Jonathan." Andrew looked right at Jess then. "I hadn't realized at the time how huge a gamble we were taking by being the parents of an only child."

Jess nodded, feeling like the story was part Andrew needing to vent and part cautionary tale for Jess's benefit.

Andrew gave Jess a small, sad smile and Jess knew it was an apology because he'd thought he'd made Jess uncomfortable. "I'm sorry to weigh you down with this."

Jess should his head, feeling choked up himself, and not trusting himself to speak without making a fool of himself. He swallowed hard. "Please don't apologize."

Andrew nodded. "Enjoy your anniversary with your son. I'll see you tomorrow." Jess just nodded as he watched Andrew walk out.

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Jeremy shoved his new notebook and pen into his backpack, keeping an eye on Harrison as he packed up across the aisle. He wanted to ask Harrison if he wanted to go somewhere and talk after class. But, how did guys do that, ask a guy that they wanted to be friends with to hang out? How did college guys do it? Was Jeremy supposed to ask him to get a coffee? Jeremy didn't even drink coffee. Jeremy didn't have a lot of experience with this. He normally found it safer to either wait to be asked, like with Melissa and Cassidy, or to just keep to himself. He really liked the idea of becoming friends with another former foster kid, especially one who had made it to college, too. He thought about all the years he'd spent in foster care, wanting to get away from other foster kids, and how now he wanted to spend time getting to know one better. He figured he should be the one to say something here and make a move toward friendship, since Harrison kind of already had and Jeremy had been a jerk to him. Jeremy took a deep breath and fell in step beside Harrison.

Jeremy went for it. "So, uh, would you maybe want to go grab a coffee or something? If you don't have another class. Or plans or anything." Jeremy cringed at how awkward he sounded, almost as if he were trying to talk Harrison out of it, even as he invited him.

Harrison turned toward him with a small smile on his face. "Thanks, but I can't. I have somewhere I have to be."

"Oh." Jeremy followed him out the door and into the hallway. He regretted how he had treated Harrison before class. His mind had kept wandering during class, picturing them as friends, hanging out, bonding over the similarities of their childhoods, having someone who understood a big part of his story and who knew what it was like to beat the odds and make it to college as a former foster kid. He hadn't realized how much he had mentally invested in this potential friendship until Harrison had turned him down. He gave it one last chance. "Hey, I'm sorry I was kind of a jerk before…."

Harrison half-smiled. "It's cool. I get it. I've had my moments of reacting the same way when I thought someone was prying into my personal shit. I really gotta run. See you later." Jeremy watched Harrison hurry off, pissed at himself for messing things up so badly.

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Jess walked into the apartment unsure of what to expect. He felt that way a lot with Jeremy lately. The kid's behaviors and reactions were getting tougher for Jess to predict, his moods harder for Jess to read. Like this morning in class. Jess hadn't expected the anger he had seen on Jeremy's face when the boy had turned to him after Mason had finished reading Jess's composition. Jess was proud of what he had written, and had honestly thought Jeremy would like it, too. It had all been from Jess's point of view. He had been careful not to assume he understood Jeremy's experience, and had just stuck to writing about his own, the biggest thing in his life, officially becoming a dad to a kid he was crazy about. As soon as he'd heard Mason reading the essay about childbirth, he had realized his piece had been in the same vein, a love letter to his child, an homage to their union as a family. And, writing it had felt damn good. Writing had felt so good that it made Jess wonder why he had ever stopped writing.

He opened the apartment door and was greeted by a happy, wriggling Winston. Dogs were the best. Winston never got mad at him. "Hey, boy!" Jess crouched to greet his dog. "How's my good boy? Huh? How you doing little guy? How was your day?" Jess looked up to see Jeremy sitting at the table, his laptop and a textbook open in front of him. The boy didn't look angry, but he didn't exactly look happy to see Jess, either. If Jess had to describe him, he would say his son looked closed, shut down, from his neutral expression to the way his eyes kept darting down at the page in front of him, as if he were trying to hide in his textbook.

"Hey, Jeremy. How was the rest of your day?" Jess gave Winston a couple more pats and stood back up, the dog trotting around him as he walked toward the table.

"It was fine." Jeremy glanced up at Jess. "But, I have a ton of work to do."

"Are you still up for going out for our anniversary dinner?" Jess asked cautiously. He wasn't getting a good feeling off Jeremy and could already feel the brush off coming. But, he had to ask. They had made plans and he wasn't going to be the one to bail on his kid. Jeremy would have to do that himself.

Jess watched the boy frown. "Uh, I guess. If you still want to." Jess tried not to mirror Jeremy's frown as he took in the boy's lack of enthusiasm. He didn't want to come across as disapproving. He would do whatever Jeremy was comfortable with. "I do have a bunch of stuff to get through tonight, though."

"Really?" Jess pulled out a chair and sat down across from his son. "Are you sure that's it? You're not too pissed at me about my essay to celebrate our first anniversary? Can we talk about this?"

Annoyance flickered briefly across Jeremy's face, before he forced his lips into a half-smile that Jess knew was for his benefit. "Maybe you should stop calling it our anniversary. You already had that one guy in class thinking your composition was leading up to a gay wedding." "And, I'm not pissed. I was then, but I'm not now. Your composition was good. I just have a lot of work to do. Some of us are taking more than one class, you know." Another forced half-smile to take the edge off his last statement.

Jess wasn't sure why he felt the need to defend himself, but he did. "I took the assignment seriously and wrote about my happiest memory. It's not like I didn't tell you I was going to. Did you really think I was serious when I said I was going to write about adopting Winston?"

"It's fine, Jess. I'm not pissed." Maybe Jeremy was telling the truth, but the boy looked decidedly annoyed to Jess. It occurred to Jess that that could have more to do with Jess forcing the current conversation. "I thought I just said that. I'm just busy. I take school seriously. You know that. And, I think I should study tonight. Maybe we can do something this weekend instead."

Jess tried to take Jeremy's words at face value. But, he was hurt, too, and he couldn't seem to let it go. "Your happiest memory was with Luke." He didn't know why he said it, but he instantly wished he hadn't shown his hand like that. He felt needy and pathetic and in need of the kind of reassurance that it wasn't appropriate for a parent to expect from his child.

Jeremy sighed and stared at Jess for a moment. "My happiest memory is the adoption. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. The thing I wanted my whole life. I tried to write about it, but it came out sounding stupid, ok? I'm not as good a writer as you are. When I couldn't write about that, I just went with the most recent good memory, I guess, or the easiest one to write up, I don't know. It was just a school assignment. It wasn't a big deal."

"When I joked about writing mine on adopting Winston, you joked about writing yours on the first time you called Liz grandma. I kind of thought that meant your composition would be about the first time you called me dad." As he said it, Jess realized that Jeremy didn't do that as much anymore, that he went with Jess more often than not now.

"Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you." Jess felt like even more of an asshole. He had expected the emotion to come from Jeremy in this conversation. And, he was glad that Jeremy no longer seemed angry, but he hadn't meant to come off as the emotional one, here. He knew he needed to let this go. "Nothing was coming out right when I tried, so I went with an easier option." Jeremy shrugged. "Can we please stop talking about this now? It was just a stupid assignment for school. It really isn't a big deal, ok?"

"Sure. Fine." Jess sighed, feeling sorry for himself over how shitty this night was turning out. He felt an instant wave of shame as his mind wandered to Andrew, who had to be having a much worse night. Jess took a deep breath, trying to rein in his feelings.

Jeremy shut his book and stood up. "If we're staying in, I'm going to go study downstairs. I really need to get through these chapters for tomorrow."

Jess nodded as he watched Jeremy pat Winston and head to the door. "Hey, Jeremy."

"Yeah?" Jeremy looked back over his shoulder at Jess.

"You might want to think about showing Luke your composition sometime. I think it would really mean a lot to him."

The boy smiled for real then for the first time since Jess had walked into the apartment. "Yeah. Maybe."


	6. Chapter 6 - Lucky Ones

**Chapter 6 Notes:** Anxiety abounds, and Jeremy makes some new friends. Thanks to all the generous readers who took the time to leave me a comment for the last chapter. You guys make my day! :)

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls

Jeremy had been relieved on Thursday when Harrison had approached him after English class had ended to ask if he wanted to get lunch. Jeremy had been so sure he'd blown it on Tuesday by acting like a dick. He had spent the last two days regretting his behavior and wondering how he could approach Harrison again. So far, he hadn't made it past looking his way and smiling at the guy before class had started. He knew it was probably stupid to be this invested in making a new friend just because their childhoods shared a common element. But, Jeremy couldn't help himself. It was a huge element to him. He wanted to know someone who knew what it was like to have lived through what he had and to have finally come out the other side with a family and the beginning of a college education. He could tell Jess had been surprised by how quickly and enthusiastically Jeremy had accepted Harrison's invitation. Jess had thanked Harrison for delivering Jeremy's backpack to him on Tuesday, told them to enjoy their lunch and that he would see Jeremy at home later, and walked toward the parking garage by himself.

Sitting in the grass, facing each other, their lunches still in paper bags in front of them, Jeremy was starting to feel nervous. Without discussing it, they had both gravitated toward a quiet section of the large lawn in front of the student union, and found a spot where they wouldn't be disturbed or overheard. Jeremy had only ever discussed his past with a handful of people since leaving foster care, Jess when the man asked questions, Luke when Jeremy needed someone who could relate to losing his parents, and Mallory when she had been his guidance counselor. And, never during his first ever real conversation with any of them. But, he could feel it coming, and as much as this was what he'd been wanting from Harrison, he was starting to feel anxious. He didn't want to be judged. He wondered how old Harrison had been when he had been adopted and if he would wonder what made Jeremy so unloveable that it had taken so long for someone to want him.

"So." Harrison started, and Jeremy could tell from his voice that he was uneasy, too. It made Jeremy feel a little better knowing it wasn't just him. "It's really cool that you got adopted." Harrison laughed self-deprecatingly. "I'm just going to throw it out there now that I'm really jealous of you for that."

Oh. Jeremy hadn't been expecting that.

"Jess seems nice." Harrison started to open his paper bag from the fast food restaurant on campus. "Did you get a mom, too? He didn't mention her in his composition so I wasn't sure…." Harrison trailed off as he looked down at the chicken sandwich he was unwrapping.

"Uh, no. No, mom. But, I got some other relatives, like an uncle, cousins and grandparents…..." Jeremy trailed off, feeling uncomfortable reciting the list of the people he had been given that Harrison hadn't. "But, no, uh, no mom. And yeah, Jess is nice. I didn't get sent to live with him until I was seventeen, almost eighteen, then he adopted me after I turned eighteen."

"That's amazing. I figured you were already a teenager when it happened from the essay, but wow, eighteen. That's pretty unheard of, but I'm sure you know that."

"Yeah. It's pretty uncommon, for sure. I know I got lucky." Jeremy meant it as an expression of modesty for what he had, but he hated that he had phrased it like that without thinking. The way so many thoughtless adults had over the years, telling him he was lucky to live with such a nice foster family, or lucky to get placed in a nice house or one with a pool or a dog or something else that was beyond insignificant in comparison to being loved and having a forever family of his own. He had always taken an instant dislike to anyone who had referred to him as lucky.

Harrison scoffed. "I'm pretty sure the lucky ones are the kids who were born to good parents that they got to stay with."

"I know." Jeremy his face warming with shame at getting called out on his word choice, as if getting adopted had made him so disconnected from his time in social services that he could actually consider anyone who had experienced the trauma of losing their parents to be 'lucky' no matter how the rest of their life worked out. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that. I hate it when people say that, too."

"It's ok. I get it. You were trying to downplay your adoption. You didn't want to brag about it in front of me…" Harrison smiled. "But, it's ok. It's a big deal, an adoption that late….I'm happy for you. If I'd been adopted, I'd brag about it every chance I got."

Jeremy didn't know what to say, how to tactfully ask about Harrison's life. "Did you, uh, did you age out, then?" Jeremy felt a rush of sympathy mixed with the memory of the old fear he had always felt at the prospect of aging out of foster care on his own, the black cloud that had loomed over his entire childhood, counting down the minutes until he was pushed out on his own, with no family, no support other than DCFS workers and little natural ability to form friendships with his peers, the lonely, bleak existence he had always dreaded and that Jess had saved him from.

"Yeah. Or, kind of. I guess, not technically, though."

Jeremy wanted to ask what that meant, if he had been part of a disrupted adoption, but he didn't know how. He realized he was staring and he started digging through his lunch bag, pulling out his veggie burger, shoving a couple of fries into his mouth for something to do.

"I ran away six months before I turned eighteen." Harrison huffed out a breath, part laugh, part sigh. "Not my greatest idea, I know. But, I'd been in since I was twelve and I was so tired of everything. So sick of living like that, of getting passed around and treated like shit everywhere I lived and not mattering to anyone. I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like I was going to die or just explode. I didn't feel like I could survive one more day."

Jeremy thought about his own brief experience as a runaway, when he had left a group home at fifteen because he had needed an escape from the constant bullying. He had lasted two nights on his own, and he remembered those two nights as being two of the scariest of his life. He couldn't imagine making it on his own for six entire months, plus however many more months Harrison was from his eighteenth birthday. "Wow. You just lived on your own all that time? What did you do? I mean, did you live on the street or did you have a friend you stayed with?"

"I had someone to stay with. I don't think I would have run away otherwise." Harrison was staring down at the sandwich and fries and soda spread out in front of him on the paper bag he had ripped open to create a placemat. He looked lost, as if he wasn't sure where to start, or how to go on. "I was seeing this guy at the time. Dating him." Jeremy watched Harrison shoot a furtive glance up at him and Jeremy wondered if he was gauging his reaction to the disclosure of his orientation. "He was older. Twenty-five. He worked construction. He had his own place and he let me move in with him. I stayed with him….got a job, finished high school…..he took better care of me than anyone else ever had…" Harrison sniffed. "And, I like to think I took good care of him, too."

"You were able to keep going to school as a runaway? How did DCFS not find you there?"

He shrugged. "They found me eventually, they just didn't do anything about it. I stayed away for a few weeks, kept up with the reading on my own. Then after I figured everything had died down with DCFS, I went back to school. It was fine. At one point, and this was probably a couple of months later, my counselor, the foster youth achievement one, called me in and asked me all these questions about where I was living and what I was doing. She called my social worker in, and I basically told them that I was safe, that I was staying with a friend, and that if they tried to stick me in another home, I'd just run away again. I think because I was so close to aging out at that point anyway, they just let it go. Probably less paperwork for them, too." Harrison huffed out a humorless laugh.

"Do you still live with that guy? Your boyfriend?" Jeremy asked.

Harrison shook his head slowly, looking back down at his still untouched lunch. "No, Mark, uh….killed himself a couple of months ago."

Jeremy felt his own face fall. "I'm so sorry." He knew it was a useless thing to say, but he couldn't think of anything better.

Harrison nodded. "He, uh…...he was a really good guy." He paused and wiped at his eyes. "He had been in the Army, in Afghanistan, and he had some serious problems from it….." Harrison laughed softly. "I actually met him in the waiting room when we were both seeing the same therapist. How fucked up is that? He had all these bad memories from being over there, like stuff that he couldn't shake. He had these awful nightmares…..he used to break down at night sometimes because he couldn't turn off his brain and just get away from it. And, I got it, because sometimes my nights were the same way." The boy looked like he was going to cry for real and Jeremy's heart when out to him. "I came home from work one day and he had shot himself. He was sitting on the couch in boxers and a tee shirt, kind of tipped over to the side a little, the right side of his face just gone…" Harrison wiped at his eyes and face as tears ran down his cheeks. "I'm sorry. I guess I'm not really ready to talk about him. He really was a good guy, though."

Jeremy nodded, feeling his own eyes tearing up. Watching someone else cry always made Jeremy cry. It was in his nature to feel someone else's pain deeply. "I'm sure he was."

"And, he loved me. He might have been the only person who ever really did. He was helping me go to school. He knew college was important to me. He helped me apply here, helped me pay for my first semester of classes, bought me a laptop, never charged me rent to stay with him…things were good." Harrison took a few deep breaths to steady himself. "After he…...was gone, I couldn't afford to keep his place. And, I wasn't on the lease, so I wasn't supposed to be living there at all. The apartment manager told me I could stay until the end of the month since Mark had already paid for it, but that I needed to be out by then. I ended up leaving sooner. His mother and step-father came by one day to pack up his stuff. His step-father was so pissed to find me there…..this homeless gay kid sleeping in his dead son's bed. I think he would have killed me if Mark's mother hadn't pulled him off me. Before that, I used to think that Mark got his temper from being in the Army…." Harrison looked at Jeremy then, his expression embarrassed. "I'm sorry. That was way too long an answer to if I aged out….."

"You don't have to apologize. I don't mind listening." Jeremy said. "I'm sorry you went through all that. I'm really sorry about your boyfriend."

"Thanks." Harrison wiped at his eyes with a napkin, balled it up and threw it aside and picked up his sandwich. "Can you tell me something about you, now?" He smiled at Jeremy with sad eyes. "Something with a happy ending. Tell me what's it like being adopted."

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Jeremy reflected on his conversation with Harrison as he walked to the bus stop later that day after his last class. He had told Harrison the story of his adoption. He hadn't deliberately tried to downplay the good parts, knowing that Harrison would see through the attempt anyway, but when Harrison asked why Jess had waited until after Jeremy turned eighteen, he had made sure to include all the bad things that had happened along the way, Jess's job loss, the apartment fire, the time they spent homeless living in the motel in Philadelphia. Jeremy knew it was partly to not make Harrison feel any worse about his own situation, but also to prove that he had had hard times of his own even after the adoption. Harrison's response, _wow, that's so amazing that he kept you through all that_, had hit Jeremy hard. He knew Jess was pretty amazing for keeping him through everything that had happened and he was grateful for it. After only a year of having Jess in his life, he had come to depend on a certain level of love and companionship. As much as it hadn't fixed all his issues, it was so much more than he would have had in Harrison's situation. He knew that. He knew he shouldn't take it for granted. He knew it should make him happy.

He had also learned more about Harrison. Had learned that the boy wanted to be a nurse and had since he was a little kid. And, that he was planning to apply to the nursing program at WCC after fulfilling the prerequisites and then transfer to a four year school after earning his associates degree. Also, like Jeremy, Harrison was a good student who took school seriously and worked hard at it. He seemed to work hard at everything. Harrison worked at a Costco near campus and at a convenience store and from what Jeremy could tell, the guy worked a lot of hours. Jeremy was curious as to how he was living and how he was able to make it work financially. He knew Harrison's boyfriend had helped him pay for the first set of classes, but he assumed Harrison was on his own going forward. He thought about living with Jess and all the scrimping and saving they did to afford school, even with no rent to pay and Luke paying for Jess's class. He wondered how Harrison managed. When Jeremy had asked where he was living, the guy had made some vague mention of sharing a cramped, dirty apartment with a lot of guys. But, he had smiled and told Jeremy that it wasn't as bad as it sounded. That he would put up with a lot, would do anything to be able to afford to stay in school and get his degree. Jeremy could appreciate the single-minded focus, the drive to get the one thing that you believed would fix your life, even save you. It was how he had felt in high school. He was still serious about school, still wanted to graduate and make something of himself, become a productive member of society who could support himself so that he would never need to rely on another person or social welfare agency again. But, he knew some of the driving force behind how motivated he was at school had changed. The motivation was still there, he still put in the work and wanted to do well, wanted to get a good job where he could do good and make his own money. But, succeeding at school was not as emotionally charged as it had once been, it no longer seemed tied to the concept of fixing his life. He had already been saved. With or without the degree, he was whole now in a way he hadn't been before.

He reflected on how easy it was to feel grateful for what he had in some moments, and how impossible in others, when he lay awake at night, a whimpering ball of anxiety over something he couldn't name and couldn't escape. The miserable, bone-deep loneliness and fear that crept up on him at night and messed with his head. He sighed as he watched the bus approach. After listening to Harrison's story, Jeremy wanted nothing more than to go home and hug Jess, sit down to dinner and share stories about each of their days. He wished he could bottle what he was feeling, the warm, easy gratitude and love, and pull it out and spray it all over himself when he needed to repel the anxiety and fear. He wished it worked that way.

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Jeremy walked in to find an excited dog in an otherwise empty apartment. There was a note on the table. _Hey Jeremy, I'm staying over at Mallory's tonight. I asked Winston to tell you, but I wanted to leave you this note in case he forgot. He's getting pretty old and I think his memory might be slipping! :) You two have a good night! Love, Jess. _

Jeremy dropped his backpack and sat down on the couch, feeling deflated and forgotten as he finished reading the note. Jess usually informed him of overnight plans a day in advance, not through last minute notes. Especially last minute notes that he signed 'Jess' instead of 'Dad.' Jeremy wondered if Jess would move in with Mallory and leave him here alone. He knew he wouldn't be able to hold it against Jess if he did. Jeremy was an adult now, afterall. He couldn't stay with Jess much longer. And, it's not like he had rent that he had to worry about. But, the idea of Jess moving out still upset him and left him with a bad feeling in his stomach. He could already tell it was going to be a rough night.

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"You think I'm being ridiculous, don't you?" Jess ran his palm over Mallory's hip, enjoying the feel of her smooth, bare skin under his hand. He tried to read her expression, no easy task in the almost dark of her bedroom, even with their heads resting a mere foot apart on the same pillow.

"I wouldn't say ridiculous." Jess could hear the smirk clear in her voice and pictured her face in his mind wearing the now familiar expression. "I just think you might be worrying a little too much. Going to college is a big change. So, is becoming an adult. On top of the already _huge_ change of being adopted and being part of a family for the first time in his life. He's had a lot to adjust to recently and college is another big adjustment. Maybe he just needs a little space right now to figure things out for himself."

Jess frowned, feeling a little annoyed at Mallory's response but not wanting to let it show. "He had _already_ adjusted to the adoption and having a family. We were fine. Everything was fine. This is something new. He just doesn't tell me stuff anymore. Like, he didn't even tell me that he ran into that Marty kid at school. He used to like telling me stuff like that. And he didn't even want to be around me the other night, when I wanted to celebrate our first year together. He said he was too busy with homework." He wasn't accustomed to that kind of rejection from Jeremy and it had hurt. It still did.

"Is it possible he really was too busy with homework?" Mallory asked. "He is taking a full course load."

Jess shook his head against the pillow. "I got the distinct impression it had more to do with him just not wanting to be around me. He actually went downstairs to study in the diner. He never does that. It's loud and distracting down there at that time of night. He just wanted to get away from me. It was obvious."

"It could be different for him. Maybe he doesn't see the day he came to live with you as something he wants to celebrate."

Jess huffed. "Gee, thanks, Mal. That makes me feel so much better. I can totally see why you went into counseling. You're a natural."

He heard a soft laugh. "I don't mean it like that. I'm sure he's very happy now that he was sent to live with you a year ago. But, well, maybe that day is more triggering for him than it is for you. It's not like celebrating his adoption day, when you both made the decision to be each other's forever family. The day you met might have ended up being one of the best things that happened to him, but the day itself was probably pretty scary for him. He just met you, he felt like you were his last chance at a family before aging out, everything was uncertain….It could be that thinking about that time in his life is still anxiety provoking for him. It isn't like celebrating the anniversary of a first date between two people who have equal say in how the relationship develops. On his first day with you, you had all the power to choose to keep or not, or to love him or reject him. It had to be pretty stressful for him. Maybe he doesn't want to revisit how he felt back then."

Jess hadn't considered that. Jeremy coming to live with him had ended up being the best thing in his life and he had wanted to celebrate how it had turned out. But, he could see what Mallory was saying. "Maybe." He conceded. "But, I also think he was still pissed about my essay and he wanted to hurt me for it. You should have seen the way he looked at me in class after the professor read it…..it felt like he hated me." The only other time Jeremy had looked at him with that much anger had been back in Philly, when he had told Jeremy that Truncheon was relocating to New York and the boy had misunderstood and thought Jess was leaving him behind. He'd seen the same look then, hatred, hurt and betrayal.

"Hmmm….."

"What?" Jess asked.

"I'm sure on a lot of levels Jeremy _has_ adjusted to being your son and being a part of your family, but Jeremy's been through a lot. He's been through so much trauma in his short little life. It makes sense to me that he would have unresolved issues that he's still working through. I think it's pretty normal for someone is his situation. He might have thought he'd be ok with hearing your essay beforehand, but the reality might have felt different. Hearing it read in class may have triggered him in a way he didn't expect."

Jess was starting to feel sorry he had brought this up. Something about Mallory using her counselor tone on him was rubbing him the wrong way. It wasn't that he didn't see her as an authority on teenagers and their issues, because he did, it was more that he saw himself as the authority on this particular teenager and his issues and he didn't like having his thoughts about his son challenged, especially the warm, safe thought that assured him his son was a happy and well-adjusted member of his family.

"Jeremy has been through a lot." Her voice was careful now and Jess got the feeling he wasn't going to like what came next. "I know he was refusing therapy since before he was sent to live with you, but it might be something to consider now. Talking to someone about what he's going through might be beneficial for him." Jess didn't response. "It's something to think about. You might want to run the idea by him and see what he thinks."

Jess nodded, wanting to end the conversation and think things over for himself. "Yeah. Ok. I'll talk to him about seeing someone."

"Hey." Mallory's voice was gentler now. He felt her hand soft on his cheek. "Are you ok?"

He took her hand in his and brought it to his lips, kissing her palm. He knew that she sometimes worried about overstepping and offending him when they talked about Jeremy. He knew that dating a single parent had to add an extra layer of complexity to her life. "I'm fine." He placed a kiss on one fingertip. "You're probably right." He moved to the next finger. "How he's acting is probably normal for someone who's been through what he has. There's probably nothing to worry about. And, talking to someone probably would be good for him. I'll talk to him about it."

He heard Mallory let out a breath. "You know, maybe him pulling away a little is actually an indication of how well he has adjusted to you and to being part of your family."

"Yeah?" Jess kissed the next fingertip in line.

"It could be. Kids raised by the best families are still pretty eager to pull away from their parents at his age and assert their independence. It's natural. One of the first things I did when I got to college was get a tattoo, even though I knew my dad was dead set against them."

"I know." He thought about the delicate, black outline of a dandelion on her hip. "I am well acquainted with your tattoo." Jess could take or leave the dandelion on its own merits, but he loved sharing something private with Mallory, knowing something about his girlfriend that not many people did. Jess kissed the inside of her wrist, feeling her pulse against his lips.

"You got kicked out of high school and ran off to California at his age." He could hear the smile in her voice now and knew the awkwardness was behind them.

Jess huffed out a soft laugh. "I am grateful that Jeremy's less of a self-destructive dumbass than I was at his age. You've got me there."

"I think you're a really good dad. I think Jeremy's a really good kid. I think you guys are going to be able to work through whatever's going on and be fine." He saw a flash of white teeth as Mallory grinned in the dark, her face moving closer to his. He pulled her hand down out of the way, twining his fingers with hers, and leaned forward to meet her in a kiss.

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Jeremy stood outside the cafeteria, unsure whether he should approach Marty. The guy was talking to two girls from their biology class and he wasn't sure he should interrupt. They usually had lunch together on Fridays, but maybe things had changed. Jeremy still couldn't tell if Marty actually wanted them to be friends, or he if was merely serving as a familiar place holder until Marty made new friends at college. It's not like the guy had had much use for Jeremy in high school, not that he had been mean to him or anything, but Jeremy could count on one hand how many interactions they had had during his short time on the Stars Hollow baseball team.

"Hey, Jeremy! C'mere!" The decision made for him, Jeremy walked up to Marty and the two girls. "Have you met Jill and Ashley?"

"Hi, I'm Jeremy." He gave them a small wave with one hand.

The girls turned toward him. The one with blond hair spoke. "Hi. I'm Ashley and this is Jill. I think we're all in bio together."

"Oh, yeah, I thought you guys looked familiar." Jeremy said. "It's nice to meet you."

"You, too." Ashley said with a bright smile.

Jeremy looked over at the other girl, Jill, who was standing off to one side with a neutral expression on her face. She lifted her hand in a little wave.

"Jeremy, I was just inviting the ladies to a little social gathering at my brother's place tomorrow night. You'll be there, right?"

"Uh, I don't know, I have to check-" Jeremy stopped himself just in time before announcing he had to check with his dad, like a pathetically well-trained high school kid. He could feel his cheeks warm ever so slightly at the nearly avoided embarrassment and really hoped a blush wasn't showing on his face. "Uh, I have to check with my boss and make sure I'm not working tomorrow night. The new schedule wasn't up yet during my last shift."

Marty frowned at him.

"Well." Ashley said. "We should get going. It was nice to meet you, Jeremy. Thanks for the invite, Marty." Both girls waved and walked away.

Marty turned to Jeremy. "C'mon, man. You have to check with your boss? Seriously? Just come over after work. No matter what time you get off, I guarantee shit will still be going on at Sean's place any time of night."

Jeremy nodded. "Yeah, maybe."

"Maybe?" Marty was incredulous. "I'm talking a college party. With college girls. What's the maybe about it?"

Jeremy shrugged, going for nonchalant, as if he went to college parties all the time. "I don't know. I've just been feeling really tired this week and run down."

Marty frowned. "First you need to check in with your boss and now you're too tired? You sound just like my dad, and trust me, man, that is not a compliment."

Jeremy laughed. "Sorry, I've just been sleeping pretty bad this week. And, between that and school, I'm feeling kind of beat, I guess."

"Yeah, is it your prostate keeping you up, old man?" Jeremy knew it was a joke, but he could feel an undertone of real mocking there as well. He knew it was lame, and possibly beyond Marty's comprehension, that Jeremy needed to think it over before he accepted the invitation to his first college party.

"Funny." He fell in step with Marty as they headed into the cafeteria. "It's more like I feel too wired at night and I can't get to sleep."

"Oh, hey, why didn't you say so?" Marty picked up two trays, handed one to Jeremy. He lowered his voice slightly as they started through the lunch line. "If you're having trouble coming down at the end of the day, I can hook you up with something to help you."

Jeremy looked at Marty in surprise. "What do you mean? Like a sleeping pill?"

Marty shrugged as he reached for an empty plate and set it on his tray. Jeremy scooted his tray down the line after him, picking up a salad in a plastic carton and a bottle of water. "Something like that. Sean can get all kinds of stuff. I'm sure he can come up with something to help you out." Marty grinned at Jeremy. "That's all the more reason for you to come out tomorrow night. It might actually _help_ you get a good night's sleep."

Jeremy smiled back. "Ok. I'll think about it." The guy wasn't all that bad, they just didn't really have much in common. But, going out could be fun. That's what you were supposed to do in college, right? And, if it wasn't fun, if he ended up alone in a corner having a terrible time, he figured he could always just leave.

"You'll think about it? C'mon, man, when else do you ever get the chance to be surrounded by college girls like this?"

Jeremy made a show of looking around them. "Um, everyday on campus."

Marty laughed and lowered his voice conspiratorially as the woman behind the counter served him two pieces of fried chicken, followed by dollops of mac and cheese and mashed potatoes. "I'm talking drunk off their asses college girls. College girls with chemically lowered inhibitions." He lowered his voice even more. "Horny as fuck college girls." He grinned at the cafeteria worker. "Thank you!" Then turned back to Jeremy. "Do I really need to spell this out for you, Jeremy? I went to a few parties at my brother's place last year, and trust me, college sex is a million times better than high school sex. Even the head is way better. College girls actually know what they're doing. And, they don't expect you to call them or see them again. It's incredible." Marty laughed to himself and Jeremy grabbed a basket of fries from under the heater in case the salad didn't fill him up, and he followed Marty to the register line. He felt a nervous flutter starting in his stomach. He wasn't sure this was such a great idea.

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Saturday evening Jess came home from his shift at the bookstore to find his son sprawled across the couch with a textbook. He still wanted to take the boy out to dinner, but he had been thinking about what Mallory said and he would be careful not to frame it as an anniversary celebration this time around. He just really wanted some quality time with his son.

Jeremy had looked up when Jess had first walked in and given him a smile and a _hey, Jess_. Jess had returned the greeting as he pet Winston just inside the door, asked about his shift at the diner and been told it was fine before the boy had made a playfully miserable face toward his book, said he had tons of homework, and returned his attention to his studies.

Jess had gone to the kitchen to get a glass of water and regroup before bringing up dinner. He set the empty glass down in the sink and walked back into the living room telling himself he was making this into a bigger deal than he needed to. It wasn't like the kid didn't need to eat, even if he did have homework.

He perched on the edge of Luke's armchair, leaning forward, hands resting on his knees. "Hey, you eat yet?" He was aiming for casual.

Jeremy looked up, eyes wide, as if startled to find Jess had gotten this close to him without him realizing. "Uh, I had a late lunch in the diner. We were slammed today. I haven't had dinner yet, if that's what you mean."

Jess grinned. "That is indeed what I mean, kid. There's not much in the kitchen right now. I really need to go to the grocery store. I was thinking maybe we could go out and grab food somewhere, just me and you, and kind of catch up from the week. I feel like I barely saw you this week outside of class."

Jess could read the surprise on Jeremy's face and it wasn't a happy sort of surprise. It was an awkward one, a how can I let this person down gently sort of look. "I'm sorry. I can't. I actually have plans tonight. With Marty."

"Oh. I didn't know that."

Jeremy put the book aside and sat up. Jess appreciated the gesture. "Yeah, his brother and his roommates are having this thing, like a party I guess, at their place and Marty asked me to go. And, I don't know. It could be stupid, but I figured I would go check it out." Jeremy looked slightly uncomfortable now. "That's ok, right? I mean, you said I didn't need to ask you first anymore, now that I'm in college."

"I know I did. You're an adult. You don't need my permission to go out." Jess knew he should be careful here. He didn't want to get shut out of Jeremy's life, but he didn't want to lay a guilt trip on the kid for keeping him in the dark either. "That sounds like a fun night. I'm just surprised you didn't mention it."

"Oh, uh, sorry. Marty just asked me yesterday. Then I worked last night and you were on the phone with Mallory when I came in, and I was beat so I just showered and walked Winston and went to bed."

"It's ok. You don't have to be sorry." Jess tried to salvage some part of the evening. "But, you still need to eat, right? I'm thinking the odds are pretty low that Marty's brother is hosting a dinner party."

Jeremy laughed and Jess soaked up the sound. "I'm pretty sure you're right about that. But, I'm really tired. I was thinking of taking a nap before I go out, after I finish this chapter. And, I'll just grab something quick here, or something downstairs if we don't have any food."

Jess had dramatized their lack of food to try to persuade Jeremy to go out with him. It was likely the boy would be able to scrounge up a sandwich or enough leftovers to cobble together a dinner. "Ok." Jess resorted to just trying to salvage the current conversation, extend it a little longer and share a few moments with his son. "So, your first college party, huh?"

"Yep."

"That's exciting." Jess wasn't sure he believed that, but he wanted to draw Jeremy out and get him talking.

"I guess." Jess watched Jeremy blush faintly and wondered what was so embarrassing about the idea of going to a party. "I'm not going to drink or anything, though. I'm driving myself there so that I have an excuse to not drink. I want to have my car with me in case I want to leave early."

"In case the party's lame?" Jess raised one eyebrow.

Jeremy laughed again. "Yeah. Or in case I'm not having fun, or no one's talking to me. Or I'm just tired and I want to go to bed."

The thought popped into Jess's head that Jeremy was more likely to not have fun if he didn't drink. He could end up being the only sober person at the party, surrounded by drunk kids. That was never fun. Jess could see Jeremy being the kind of person who could benefit from a drink or two socially to help him loosen up and get out of his head. He also knew it wasn't the kind of life advice he could give his eighteen year old son. Instead, he nodded. "That sounds like a good plan." Jess paused, unsure how to proceed, or if what he wanted to say would sound obvious and condescending. He didn't want Jeremy to think he was treating him like an idiot who didn't know any better. But, his mind flashed back to Andrew on Jonathan's birthday, and he felt like he needed to say something. "But, if you end up deviating from that plan for any reason. If you have a drink or…..anything else, you know you can always call me for a ride, right? I don't want you driving yourself home if you have even one drink." Jess braced himself for an annoyed reaction, a _yeah, duh, I'm not a moron_ look.

"Yeah. Ok. Thanks. I really don't plan to drink anything, but if I do I'll call you."

"Ok. Good boy." Jess smiled at his son as the boy huffed out a soft laugh.

"I think maybe you're confusing me with Winston."

Jess grinned and put on the high, sweet voice he used to talk to the dog. "Aww, who's my good little boy? Is Jeremy my good little boy?"

"You're ridiculous." But, Jeremy smiled as he said it.

Jess leaned forward now, ruffling Jeremy's hair a little. "Hey, that's my good boy!"

Jeremy laughed and slapped at Jess's hand as Winston got to his feet and trotted over to Jess, toenails tapping out an excited beat on the floor, his nose angled up toward his dad. "See, even Winston knows that you should be talking to him if you want to use that voice!"

Jess sat back in his chair and dropped a hand to Winston, petting the dog's head, rubbing an ear. "You're my best little boy, Winston. Aren't you? You never make fun of daddy like your brother does, do you little guy? No, you don't. That's why you're my favorite kid. Yes, you are!"

When Jess looked up from Winston, Jeremy had curled back up with his textbook and Jess started to rise from his chair, knowing he should let the boy get through the chapter he wanted to finish before he napped. "Oh, Jess." Jeremy looked back up, with a smirk on his face, and Jess remained seated on the edge of the chair. "Here's another reason why Winston's your favorite. I told TJ that we'd check out the Renaissance Faire next Sunday."

Jess let his face fall into a comically exaggerated frown. "Are you serious?"

Jeremy laughed at Jess's expression. "You look like you just saw a family of bunnies get run over by a truck. It won't be that bad. He was in the diner again this morning. He's been on me about it for the past few weeks. This time Luke overheard him and gave me next Sunday off so that we could go on your day off."

Jess's frown deepened and Jeremy laughed again. "What was I supposed to do? He kept ambushing me at my workplace!"

"Um, I don't know, quit and find a new workplace that allows you to hide from him?"

"You're being dramatic. It won't be that bad. And, they're my grandparents and they bought us tickets and they really want us to go." Jeremy paused for a moment. "I'm surprised TJ hasn't shown up at the bookstore to try to talk you into it."

"Even TJ's smart enough to realize that you're the weak link here, kid. I've successfully dodged this bullet for over a decade. Plus, I doubt TJ's ever been to a bookstore in his life. He probably doesn't even know Stars Hollow has a bookstore."

Jeremy laughed again. "That's not very nice! And, they did come out to support you at both of your author readings so far, so TJ's definitely been to the bookstore before."

"Ah, you've got me there." Jess was enjoying himself. He liked the reassurance that they could still have moments like this, when things felt easy and good between them. Even though he hadn't gotten the night out with his son that he had wanted, he was glad he had asked.

Jeremy smirked. "Oh, and I asked TJ if there were still tickets available, which there are, so you can invite Mallory if you want. Liz and TJ are super excited to meet her. He said they would spring for the third ticket if you want one."

Jess sighed and looked back down at Winston. "Winston, you're the only one who's always on my side. Aren't you, boy?" Jess still thought a Renaissance Faire was among the most ludicrous ways to possibly spend a day off, and he wanted to keep Mallory far away from Liz and TJ for as long as he could, but he had to admit he loved the idea of getting to spend next Sunday with his son. As crazy as it felt, he was looking forward to it.


	7. Chapter 7 - Party Favors

**Chapter 7 Notes: **Jeremy goes to his first college party. Thanks to the people who left me reviews on the last chapter. I appreciate you guys! Possible trigger warnings: drinking to excess, drugs, mention of domestic violence and past child neglect.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing but my own obsession with Gilmore Girls.

Jeremy headed toward the door for some air. He felt overstimulated and too warm. He wouldn't say he was having a bad time exactly, but he needed a break from the loud voices, the even louder music, the claustrophobic crush of too many bodies jostling into each other in one apartment, all of it. The best thing he could say about being surrounded by people who were drunk or high or both was that even without touching a drink or a substance of any kind he felt his own social inhibitions lowered. It was easy to not worry about how you were coming across when the person you were talking to could barely focus on what you were saying.

Jeremy stepped out onto the stoop and found Jill sitting there, sipping from a red solo cup. She looked up when he approached, placing the cup down on the stoop next to her. "What drove you out here? The bad music, the bodies crashing down from failed attempts at keg stands, or the asinine conversation and pathetic attempts to get you into one of the bedrooms?"

Jeremy was caught off guard by her level of sobriety and hostility. His opening line was going to be, _hey, it's Jill, right_? "Oh, uh, no one was trying to get me into one of the bedrooms." He instantly felt foolish and almost missed talking to drunk people. He could tell he'd amused her without meaning to. She didn't exactly smile, but her expression softened a little around the mouth and eyes.

"It's Jeremy, right?" He nodded, still standing there staring at the girl. "I'm Jill."

"I remember."

Jill picked up her cup and scooted further to the side of the stoop. "You can sit down if you want. Or whatever."

"Ok. Thanks." Jeremy made sure to leave as much room as possible between them without falling off his edge of the stoop.

Jeremy turned toward Jill to find her studying him. "You seem pretty sober, Jeremy."

Jeremy smiled, hoping it would make her smile, too, and ultimately make her less intimidating. "I am. A hundred percent, actually."

"Interesting. I thought I was the only one who didn't drink at these things."

Jeremy involuntarily glanced down at the red plastic cup in her hands, balanced on one leg of her jeans. "This is sprite. If you don't hold something and look like you already have a drink, some loser guy will try to force one on you."

"Oh." Jeremy wasn't sure what to say to that.

"I'm not totally opposed to drinking or anything. And, I get it for Marty's brother and his friends. They go to Greenville State and they're either heading back to their dorm rooms or their own apartments. And, Marty's staying here tonight. But, I still live with my parents, so it's basically just another lame high school party for me. I can't exactly uber home and stumble in drunk at two a.m. And, I would never crash here like Marty suggested." She frowned. "I really hope Ashley doesn't want to either."

"I know what you mean." Jeremy said. "I live with my dad, and I can't go home drunk either. Or I guess I could. He told me to call him if I ended up drinking and he'd come get me, but I wouldn't want to put him out like that."

"Or deal with the passive-aggressive parental fallout the next day?" Jill asked, one side of her mouth curving up in the beginning of a smile.

Jeremy laughed. "Yeah, that, too."

"Don't you feel like it's weird going to college and trying to feel like an adult when we still live at home?"

Jeremy nodded even though he didn't agree. He couldn't think of any place he would rather live than at home with Jess and Winston, knowing Luke was right downstairs most of the time, his whole little family all safe and accounted for within a few blocks radius. But, he didn't feel comfortable saying that. He knew that would get a curious look and possibly questions and he really didn't want to get into his pitiful story with this girl he barely knew but wouldn't mind getting to know better. "Yeah, it can definitely make it difficult to feel like an adult." That wasn't a lie. Jeremy thought about Jess making them breakfast some mornings before class and work, calling him his good boy in his Winston voice, hugging him and kissing his head before bed. Those things did make it difficult to feel like an adult, but they made it easy to feel like he was finally someone's loved child and he hated thinking about a time when he wouldn't have them.

Jill sighed. "I really wanted to go away to school."

"Oh, yeah?" Jeremy asked. "What happened? How did you end up at WCC?" Jeremy knew he didn't really know this girl, but she seemed intelligent, both in biology class and now, and he couldn't picture her not being able to get into a state school.

She looked at him carefully, tucked one strand of brown hair behind her ear. "My dad lost his job and everything kind of went to shit after that. He wasn't going to be able to help me with four years of a state school and I was too scared to take out a ton of loans."

"I'm sorry." Jeremy said, and he was.

Jill shrugged. "I think money, or the lack thereof, is why most of us are at WCC. I don't think too many people dreamed about going to community college as little kids."

Jeremy nodded. She was right. It hadn't been his dream either, but he couldn't blame his enrollment at WCC on anyone else. He had made that choice for himself. "I actually chose to come here. My dad wanted to send me to one of the Penn States."

Jill looked truly baffled. "Why the fuck didn't you go?"

Jeremy laughed. "Honestly, I just…...didn't want to leave my dad."

Jill laughed, but it felt amused rather than mocking to Jeremy. "Wow. That really takes being a daddy's boy to a whole new level." She shook her head slowly, small smile on her face, then froze, raised one hand to her forehead. "Oh, god, I'm sorry! Is your dad sick or something and that's why you didn't want to leave him?"

Jeremy shook his head and smiled. "No, my dad's fine." He wanted to be honest, but not necessarily divulge his life story. He loved being able to casually throw out the term 'dad' and be understood, with no prying questions needed to further define his family situation. He shrugged. "I guess I just really love him and I didn't want to move away from him yet."

Jill grinned at him. "That's kind of sweet. Very odd, and a little suspicious, but kind of sweet."

Jeremy had been right. Jill was less intimidating when she smiled. And, pretty. He smiled back at her.

Jeremy heard the door behind them open with a crash and a cacophony of music and loud voices rushed out of the apartment. Jeremy and Jill both turned to look over their shoulders. Ashley stood in the doorway in an impossibly small tank top and equally tight jeans. "Jilly-bean, there you are!" Her grin was broad and slightly unfocused, before her face shifted. "Ugh!" She moaned. "I don't feel so good….." Jeremy watched Ashley rush past him down the steps, one hand clutched to her stomach, not getting more than a few feet from where Jeremy was sitting before bending forward and vomiting in the grass. Jeremy instinctively pulled his feet up a step to avoid any backsplash.

Jill let out an annoyed sigh and chucked her cup of sprite onto the grass as she stood up. "For fuck's sake. I knew I should have called the cops on this party half an hour ago." Jeremy sat stupefied for a moment. He watched Jill walk over to Ashley, rubbing her back, pushing her hair out of her face, and trying to keep the girl from kneeling in her own mess.

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Jeremy spent the next hour outside with Jill and Ashley. Jeremy had run inside to get Ashley a cup of water and then hosed down the vomit as best he could while Jill sat with Ashley on the stoop, the drunk girl's head on her shoulder. He sat with them for a while as they waited for Ashley to sober up a bit before Jill took her home. Jill told him he could go back inside if he wanted, that she appreciated his help, but she didn't want to drag his night down, but Jeremy had assured her that she wasn't, that he would rather be outside with her than inside with everyone else. That had earned Jeremy another smile. They sat talking quietly about school and what they wanted from their futures. Their pasts didn't come up much, aside from a couple of funny stories from Jill about Ashley's drunken behavior at high school parties. Jeremy wondered if this was how conversation would go now that he was an adult, with people more interested in his future plans than his past. He liked it. Once Ashley seemed a little more with it, Jeremy helped Jill get the girl into the passenger seat of her car. Jill closed the door and started to walk around to the driver's side. "So, thanks for your help tonight, Jeremy. It was really nice talking to you."

"You too." Jeremy could feel the wide smile on his face. "I'm glad I ran into you out here. I had a really nice night."

"Jilly-bean!" Ashley called out her open window. "Let's go! I'm tired."

Jill rolled her eyes gently and Jeremy laughed. "You're a really good friend." He kept his voice low, his words only for Jill. "I hope she appreciates you."

Jill scoffed. "I'm really not. She's my step-sister. My idiot father and her stupid mother stuck us with each other when we were twelve, so I don't really have a choice."

"Jilly-bean!" Ashley's drew out each syllable, her voice that of a petulant child. Jeremy laughed again.

"Keep your fucking shirt on, Ash, I'm coming!" Jill yelled toward the car, then turned back to Jeremy. "I really hope she's done puking. I borrowed my boyfriend's car for this and puke is a bitch to get out of upholstery."

Jeremy watched the girl get in the car and drive off, feeling his heart sinking a little at knowing Jill was already with someone. He had let his hopes stir up as the night had worn on, thinking this could be the start of something, and he felt himself coming down a little now from that high, feeling a little lower than he had before talking to Jill. He was ready to head home, too. He felt his jean pocket, where he still had the vape pen that Marty had pressed upon him earlier in the night to help him sleep, along with a small baggie containing a few pills of something called diazepam, which Marty had told him to only use on really rough nights when he _couldn't deal and needed to_ _pass the fuck out for real_. These were all free because he was friends with Marty, but if Jeremy wanted refills, he would need to buy them from Marty's brother, Sean. Jeremy figured he would try the pot first the next time Jess slept out, and only take one of the pills if he got desperate.

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Jess felt the light on the other side of his closed eyelids, and a familiar clicking sound rousing him from sleep. He opened his eyes to the sight of Winston greeting Jeremy at the door, the dog's usual excitement slightly dampened by the late hour. "Hey, Jeremy." Jess's voice was hoarse, and his head felt a little fuzzy at having been jarred out of his nap. His neck hurt from how he had fallen asleep on the couch with a book.

Jeremy looked over with a start at his voice. "Oh, sorry!" Jeremy lowered his voice after his initial surprise. "I didn't realize you were out here. Want me to turn the light back off?"

"No, that's ok. I'm up. I should head to bed." Jess pulled himself up into a sitting position, watching his son pet the dog. "You have a good time?"

Jeremy shrugged. "I guess. I mean, it was ok."

"You drunk?" Jess tried to keep the question playful.

Jeremy laughed. "No. I didn't drink."

"Huh." Jess liked the sound of 'ok' and the mediocrity it indicated, the lack of crazy, drunken shenanigans it seemed to denote. "It must have been at least a little fun if you stayed out this late." Jess picked up his phone from the coffee table, pushed a button and looked at the screen. It was two-twenty.

Jeremy laughed. "Yeah, it was good, I guess. You really didn't have to wait up for me, you know?"

Jess scoffed exaggeratedly, as if at the absurdity of the idea. "Um, we were _hardly_ waiting up for you. Winston and I were both just lying around reading and we fell asleep on the couch." Jess turned to Winston who had trudged back over to his dog bed and flopped down. He jerked a thumb toward Jeremy as he spoke, his voice playful. "Get a load of this guy, Winston. Always thinking everything's all about him." He turned back to Jeremy who was smiling fondly at him. "All right, now that you're home safe, I'm going to bed." Jess felt himself grimace involuntarily at the stiffness in his back as he got to his feet. "I'm way too old to sleep on the couch. Everything hurts."

"Huh." Jeremy stood in the center of the living room, a smirk playing on his lips. "Then maybe you should have gone to bed instead of waiting up for your mature and responsible son."

"Maybe, I should have." Jess took the handful of steps required to close the gap between them. He wrapped Jeremy in a hug and raised a hand to the boy's head, gently tipping it down so he could drop a kiss on the side, holding onto his kid for longer than he normally did for a goodnight hug. "But, this right here, makes me glad I didn't. We don't see each other enough these days. You've only been in college a few weeks and you've already forgotten all about me."

Jess felt Jeremy laugh into his shoulder before the boy pulled away. "Uh, should I be asking you if you're drunk?"

Jess clasped a hand on Jeremy's shoulder, to remain in contact with his son and keep the boy from running off too quickly. "No, smartass. I just miss my kid."

"We could hang out tonight, if you want. After I finish my shift at work and get my history paper done. Maybe we could make dinner and play Scrabble or watch a movie."

Jess wanted to say yes for multiple reasons, but he didn't. He gently kneaded Jeremy's shoulder to soften the rejection. "I can't tonight. I have that dinner with Mallory's parents."

Jeremy frowned. "Oh, yeah. I forgot about that."

"You could still change your mind and come with me. She did invite you, too." Jess liked the idea of Jeremy getting to know Mallory's family along with him. He could already see a future where their families were combined and he wanted Jeremy to feel included from the start. He didn't want to leave Jeremy on the outside while he and Mallory further immersed themselves in each other's lives.

"I know, but I have stuff to do for school. I'll just hang out here with Winston."

"Ok, if you're sure." Jess had been a little disappointed when Jeremy had turned down Mallory's invitation. He thought it had been very considerate of Mallory's parents to extend the invitation to Jeremy, as well, and he had wanted to take them up on it.

"I'm thinking you meeting her parents might be awkward enough without you bringing your kid with you."

"Hey, they would love to meet you. Mallory's told them about you and they specifically invited you, too."

Jeremy looked uncomfortable, and Jess decided to stop pushing. "That was really nice of them, but I think it would be weird." Jeremy smirked. "I don't want to be in the way when they're grilling you about not being good enough to date their daughter."

"Wow, thanks for the encouragement, kid." The comment brought Jess back to his first dinner with Charisse's relatives, another family in which everyone held some form of postgraduate degree and was engaged in a professional career and no one had seemed too enthusiastic about Charisse dating a non-college educated white guy. He felt confident that he had won over Charisse's mother as their relationship went on, but the start had been rocky. Having an education and a decent job are big things to parents. He understood that now better than ever. He wasn't sure whether being enrolled in community college at thirty-four would work for him or against him.

Jeremy huffed out a laugh. "Are you going to stay at Mallory's after?" The question seemed to make Jeremy sad even as he asked it, and watching the boy's smile falter made Jess sad, too.

He cupped the back of the boy's neck, rubbing his thumb along the base of his skull. "That was the plan, but I don't have to if you need me at home."

Jeremy scoffed and shook his head, irritation briefly visible on his face. "I don't _need_ you here. I was just wondering…." Jeremy trailed off.

Jess knew they should both go to bed, but he wasn't willing to give up this time with Jeremy just yet. "You hungry? You want me to make you some eggs or something?"

Jeremy shook his head again. "Thanks, but I'm ok. And, I should really get to sleep. So should you if you want to make a good impression on Mallory's parents."

Jess nodded. "I think you might be right." He took a step back from Jeremy, releasing him. He watched the boy walk into the bathroom to get ready for bed. "Goodnight, son." It felt obvious and unsubtle and desperate.

"Goodnight, Dad." The response felt more pavlovian than heartfelt. Jess sighed as he watched the bathroom door close behind Jeremy, then headed to bed himself.

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"You ok, Jeremy?" Jeremy could hear the concern in Luke's voice without looking up. They were opening the diner, or more accurately, Luke was opening the diner while Jeremy was sitting with his elbows propped up on a table, head resting in his hands. He hadn't gotten to bed until after two-thirty, and he was exhausted. He hadn't needed to take a hit from the vape pen because the comfort of knowing Jess was home had been enough to get him to sleep, not that the few hours of sleep he had gotten seemed to matter now at five-forty-five in the morning.

He heard Luke's footsteps drawing near and he raised his head to see the man standing by the table, looking down with a worried expression on his face. "You feeling sick, nephew?" Before Jeremy could respond, he felt the back of Luke's hand on his forehead, searching for signs of a fever.

Jeremy didn't pull away. "I'm ok. I'm sorry. I'm just tired. I got home pretty late last night."

"Oh, yeah? Jess said you went to a party with a friend from school." The worry wasn't totally gone from Luke's face, and Jeremy realized that as far as Luke was concerned, he had just replaced one reason for concern with another. "You, uh, have a good time?"

Jeremy nodded. "Yeah. I did." Jeremy stood up from his chair and continued with what he had been doing before he had sat down to rest, taking the upside-down chairs off the tables where they'd spent the night and setting them on the floor right side up.

Luke headed back toward the counter. "So, was there drinking at this party?"

Jeremy huffed out a laugh. "Yeah, there was. But, I didn't drink. I mostly sat outside talking to this girl from one of my classes. Or two girls, actually."

"Oh, yeah? Were they drinking?" Luke was setting up the cash drawer with change from the safe.

"One of them was pretty trashed." Jeremy laughed at Luke's reaction as the man looked up from what he was doing with a disapproving expression. "But, the one I was talking to the most wasn't drinking at all."

"Really?" Luke sounded impressed.

"Really, Uncle Luke." Jeremy was slowing making progress through the dining room. He smiled at his uncle. "Not all college kids are a bunch of drunks, you know."

"Hey, I didn't go to college so I'll take your word." Luke smiled. "Though I can't say I really care about what other college kids are doing. I just don't want you getting into trouble with that stuff, drinking and everything."

"I won't." Jeremy smiled reassuringly. "I'm too serious about school for that."

"Good. That's good to hear, nephew." Luke gave him a warm smile and Jeremy felt himself soaking it in. "And, are you ok with keeping these hours, with opening on the weekends like this? I can ask the other servers and see if someone wants to switch with you, if you want. If you're going to be going out more, like this."

"I'm good with opening. I like having most of my afternoon free to study or hang out with Jess. I'm sorry I'm such a waste of space this morning, but I'm really not looking to make this a regular thing or anything."

"Ok. Well, you let me know if we need to switch anything up, ok?"

"Ok. Thanks, Uncle Luke." Jeremy had weaved his way back to the counter. "Is it ok if I grab a cup of coffee before we open?"

Luke shot Jeremy a disapproving look. "Since when do you drink coffee?"

Jeremy shrugged. "I don't, but I thought this morning might be a good time to start, like it might help perk me up for my shift. So, can I grab one?" Jeremy stepped behind the counter and headed over to the coffee maker that had just finished brewing the first pot of the day.

"No way, nephew. You're too young to drink coffee."

Jeremy laughed and looked toward Luke expecting the man to be smirking at him, his response a joke, but Luke looked serious as he finished counting the stack of cash in his hand, and jotted down a note on the back of an order slip. "Are you serious?" Jeremy asked.

"That I am." Luke started counting the next stack of bills. "You want to wake up, go grab yourself a glass of orange juice. That'll help. I'm not going to be your caffeine supplier and start you down that path."

Jeremy still wasn't sure if Luke was kidding him. "What path? What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about my wife, my step-daughter, that path. Lorelai was a coffee junky long before I met her, and we weren't together yet when Rory started drinking coffee at fifteen, so I had no say over her getting addicted, too. But, you, it's not too late for you, nephew. I still have a chance with you. And, I say you're too young for coffee."

"C'mon, Uncle Luke." Jeremy said, laughing but a little touched by the concern. "I'm an adult. I'm eighteen. That's old enough to vote for a candidate for political office and join the military." The boy laughed. "It's probably old enough to _be_ a candidate for political office in some jurisdictions."

Luke laughed. "Yeah? Ok. I'll serve you a coffee when you've won your first election or come home from your first tour of duty. How's that sound?"

Jeremy huffed out a laugh. It seemed silly to him, but he backed away from the coffee maker anyway, unwilling to do something that Luke was so against. He saw lots of kids at college carrying around lattes and flavored coffees, setting the cardboard to-go cups on their desks during class. "Lots of kids at school drink coffee."

"Lots of kids at school drink alcohol, too. What's your point?"

Jeremy smiled. "You do know I could always just buy a coffee somewhere else."

Luke finished counting another stack and scribbled the amount down with a pencil. "Hey, I hear Weston's makes a nice cup."

"Or, I could make my own coffee in the coffee pot upstairs."

Luke smiled. "You could, nephew, but that won't have anything to do with me. I don't drink coffee. Not every adult does. Some of us are able to function just fine without the chemical dependency on caffeine. It's a vicious cycle. You get hooked on coffee, your nervous system gets overstimulated, you're wired all day and your natural biorhythms get out of whack, you don't sleep well at night, then you're so tired the next morning that you need more coffee and you start the whole process all over again until you turn into my wife and step-daughter." Jeremy laughed and Luke smiled at the boy. "I'm serious. You should see some of the stuff those two do in the middle of the night because they can't sleep. And, I'm not just talking about being up with Leelee or anything normal like that. I'm talking about being wide awake tap dancing at two a.m., or shopping online for crap they don't need, or Lorelai leaving herself voicemails at the inn about stuff she's worried she'll be too tired to remember the next day. Once, I heard this crash and I jumped out of bed thinking someone had broken in, right?" Luke had half-turned from the register toward Jeremy, talking animatedly now. "I go downstairs and it's Lorelai. She's too wired to sleep so she thought she'd put up new curtain rods in the kitchen, but she slips where she's kneeling on the counter and bam, one end of one rod crashes right through the kitchen window. Then, she's a zombie the next morning until she's had at least five cups of coffee to get her going. It's too late for her, my friend, but you don't need that crap in your life. Believe me." Luke paused, as though realizing the unintended rant he had gone on. He looked at Jeremy, sheepish smile on his face. "But, hey, as you pointed out, you're an adult and you're going to do what you want to do, and you know where the coffee is." Luke tilted his head back to indicate the coffee maker behind him. "But, as your uncle who loves you, I'm just giving you my two cents for what it's worth. Do with it what you will."

Jeremy laughed and grabbed the tray of rolled silverware from below the counter before heading back into the dining room. "Ok. You win." Jeremy said as he passed behind Luke. "I don't need coffee anyway. It was just a thought. I'll get some orange juice after I'm done with the dining room."

"Hey, Tom Brady doesn't drink coffee! Never touched a drop in his life." Luke called after him, barely contained laughter in his voice. "Hasn't held that guy back any, has it? Think about that, huh." Jeremy smiled as he started setting the tables. He thought about Jill calling him a daddy's boy last night for not wanting to leave home for college, and how it hadn't really bothered him. He knew this was something else that he should resent, that most kids his age would, having a parent or uncle putting restrictions on his behavior, trying to control him in some way, but to Jeremy, it was just one more aspect of having a family that made him feel loved and cared for. He supposed he could live without coffee. He had made it this far without it.

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"So, Mallory's going to come with us to the Renaissance Faire on Sunday. She actually says she's looking forward to it, that she's excited to meet Liz and TJ. I tried to warn her about them, but she wasn't hearing it, so we'll see how it goes." Jess smiled at his son. He had had dinner at Mallory's parents' house the night before, and afterward she had asked about meeting his mother, and the fair, though embarrassing in its own right, had seemed like the lesser of two evils when he considered having Mallory over to dinner at Liz and TJ's as his other option. He couldn't picture Liz and TJ behaving as civilized and normal as Mallory's parents had, making him feel welcome and getting to know him without being invasive, and he figured that at least at the fair, they would be preoccupied with working and selling jewelry and would only have a limited amount of time to interact with Mallory and show off their lack of boundaries by asking inappropriate personal questions and being themselves.

Jeremy was frowning at him across the dinner table as he chewed a forkful of brown rice and swallowed. "I'm not sure what you think Liz and TJ are going to do, but I'm sure it will be fine. They really care about you and they won't want to embarrass you in front of your girlfriend."

Jess chuckled. "Oh, you think so, do you?"

"I do." Jeremy's expression was serious. "I think sometimes you underestimate them."

"Oh, yeah?" Jess raised an eyebrow at his son. "Remember the first time you met them? I took my eyes off you guys for one second and my mother had your forehead pressed up against hers, trying to read your aura or chakra or some shit like that."

The boy smiled. "Oh, yeah. I forgot about that."

"And, TJ couldn't get your name right. He kept calling you Jason or Justin, or anything but Jeremy, and he made an off-color joke about me getting arrested for molesting you."

Jeremy laughed. "They do make an interesting first impression, I'll give you that much. But, I think they'll be better with Mallory, don't you?"

"I certainly hope so. I'm also hoping that Liz is too busy hawking her jewelry to spend much time with us. I'd like to ease Mallory into the crazy that is my mother slowly."

Jess speared a small floret of roasted broccoli with his fork. When he looked up, Jeremy was studying him carefully. "What? You think I'm being mean?"

Jeremy shrugged. "I just think you don't give her enough credit. She's your mom and she loves you. She just wants to be in your life. I think sometimes you turn her into more of a crazy cartoon in your head than she really is. I mean, yeah, she's pretty out there. And, I'm not saying that all the stuff she talks about is normal or anything. She definitely does her own thing. But, I think she cares about you and wants to make up for who she was when you were younger."

Jess stared at his son. The criticism rankled, but he knew he needed to moderate his response because he was talking about his son's grandmother and he didn't want to prove Jeremy right, that he was an asshole about his mother. But, the idea that Jeremy was supporting Liz not him ignited a small spark of anger. He felt that Jeremy should always be on his side, the same way Jess was always on Luke's. "I understand what you're saying, but it's not easy for me to get over who she was when I was younger. I get that it's hard to understand from your point of view because by the time you came along, Liz was a very different person than she was for most of my childhood. She didn't always treat me very well when I was kid, or do the kind of things that mothers are supposed to do for their kids."

Jeremy nodded. "I get that. She's told me the same thing. That she wasn't a very good mother to you. I know she regrets it and she wants a second chance, but I don't feel like you've given her one. At least, not a real one."

Jess could feel his annoyance growing at the boy's accusatory tone. "How can you say that to me? I am giving her a second chance. Right now, since we've been back in Stars Hollow, this is the best that she and I have ever been together. I've spent time with her, taken you over there, asked you to call her Grandma because she wanted you to, invited her to your graduation, your birthday dinner, my birthday dinner, my events at the bookstore. How the hell does that not constitute giving her a second chance?" Jess could feel himself getting worked up and tried to reign his emotions in.

"Are you serious?" Jess didn't appreciate the boy's condescending tone, or the expression on his face that told Jess he thought he was talking to someone particularly obtuse.

"I'm asking, aren't I?" Jess could hear the hostility seeping into his own voice, making his words jagged around the edges.

The boy huffed out a breath. "Yeah, like you do stuff with her sometimes, but if you were honestly giving her a second chance, you wouldn't be sitting here making comments about how you need to warn your girlfriend about her, or that you hope she's too busy on Sunday to get to talk to Mallory." Jess could feel real anger now, knew it was likely reflected in his own expression. "What?" Jeremy asked, the question a challenge. "I'm not wrong, am I? I don't think you realize what you have, that even though Liz messed up when you were a kid, back when she was a young, single mother probably doing the best she could, she's willing to keep trying now because she loves you and wants your relationship to be good. I would give _anything_ to have my mom in my life right now." It hit Jess that he himself, Jeremy's adoptive father, was likely one of the things the boy would give up if it meant he could get his mother back.

Jess took a breath. "I know you would. I get that your mom is the most important person to you, Jeremy. I understand that. And, that you shouldn't have had to live the life you did as a kid. You should have gotten to have your mom for your whole childhood, loving you and taking care of you the way you deserved. I'm sorry you didn't get that. But, things aren't so black and white. Liz wasn't just a mother who didn't baked cookies or make it to basketball games. She was a drunk and an addict who routinely chose her vices and her boyfriends over me. She was out all hours of the night, sometimes she'd fall asleep in her own vomit, sometimes she'd come home with random men. Some of her boyfriends and husbands would hit me and she'd let them. There were so many nights that I went to bed hungry because she wasn't around to grocery shop or she didn't have money for food after buying beer and drugs or whatever. She left me alone for two nights one time when I was in third grade because she was off getting high somewhere and apparently forgot she had a son. Those things don't just disqualify her from being mother of the year, they're criminal. They're the kind of negligence that could have landed me in fucking foster care right next to you if any of my teachers or neighbors had been paying better attention or given enough of a shit to call the cops." Jess was aware of Winston's toenails tapping the floor as the dog approached the table to investigate, unaccustomed to raised voices and hostility. Jess watched Jeremy lower a hand to soothe the dog without breaking eye contact.

"I get that." Jeremy spoke slowly, emphasizing each word. "I'm sorry you went through that, and I get that it sucked. My parents weren't perfect either. My father threw my mother down the stairs and killed her." Jeremy's voice cracked slightly, but his expression remained firm. "I was too young to know what was going on, but the older I get, the more I think it probably wasn't the first time he was violent. Maybe my mother stayed with a violent person and let him be around her kid, too. That wouldn't have been a good decision. It would have possibly been negligent, too, or child endangerment, or whatever. But, if she was around today, if either of my parents were around today, even if my father were alive after killing my mom, if he was sorry and he loved me and he wanted to be in my life, I would give him a second chance. A real one. You don't know what it's like to not have a biological parent in your life. I get that Liz was terrible, that she was probably criminally negligent when you were a kid. That sucks, but I'm guessing it had a lot to do with the drugs and drinking-"

"Do not make excuses for her behavior, Jeremy!" Jess's tone came out more agitated than he wanted, his voice raised and angry.

"I'm not! I'm just saying that they played a role in how she was, and she's not doing those things anymore. She's nice now. And, I just…...I don't know. I guess I just think you should give her a real second chance. Or at least not mock her the way you do when she's trying her best."

Jess paused, taking a deep breath, annoyed to be on the familiar ground of having to defend his relationship with his mother to someone he felt should be on his side. He reflected on how, even though he knew Jeremy loved him more than he did Liz, the boy, like Luke, had still managed to end up on Liz's side of this battle. Liz's constant ability to garner sympathy astonished him. "Look, I appreciate how much you miss your mother, Jeremy, but please don't lecture me on how I should deal with mine, ok? You don't have a fucking clue what my childhood was like and my relationship with my mother isn't any of your business."

Jeremy frowned, his expression more hurt and apprehensive than angry. "Sorry. I wasn't trying to lecture you. I just feel bad when you put her down. Could you at least not do it around me? It makes me feel bad for both of you."

"I'll try not to make fun of her anymore. You're not wrong about that. I may never be able to completely get past everything with her, but I shouldn't be picking on her, either. How's that?"

"Ok." Jeremy said. "Can I ask you one more thing?"

"What is it?" Jess resigned himself to extending this conversation when he really wanted it to be over.

"What if I ever did something, like something really shitty. Would you still love me and give me a second chance or would you be done with me because I messed up?" The boy looked genuinely curious and it pulled at something in Jess's heart. But, he understood the question and how it might be hard for Jeremy to believe that Jess would be able to forgive his son for a serious offense when he was having so much trouble moving past his own mother's transgressions.

"That's different, Jeremy. You're my child. It's different with your child." Jess tried to block out Jeremy saying that he would give his biological father another chance if the man were still alive and in the picture. "There's nothing you could ever do that would make me stop loving you. But, some things are hard to get around. If you had a child of your own and I saw you treat that child the way Liz used to treat me…...I wouldn't stop loving you, but it might be tough for me to still like you."

Jeremy nodded. "I'm sorry for upsetting you."

Jess felt himself exhale. "It's fine. Can we please talk about something other than my mother now?"

The boy nodded, looking contrite and Jess wondered how this conversation had gotten so off course. He had been looking forward to this dinner all day, and he didn't want to let talk of Liz derail this time with his son. "So, what did you write about for this week's essay?"


	8. Chapter 8 - Scrapes and Ren Fairs

**Chapter 8 Notes: ** I know this one took a little longer to post, but it's a little longer in length to make up for it. :) Happy reading. Thanks to everyone who took the time to review my last chapter. Possible trigger warnings: mention of dead people and grief.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls

Jeremy was feeling down as he carried his bike up the backstairs to the apartment in the dying light of the evening. A little sore, a lot embarrassed, and mostly just down in a way that he knew went beyond his minor scrapes and bruises. Jeremy had been out riding in his favorite spot, the wooded area on the outskirts of town. He had gotten into the same headspace he had spent most of his summer riding in, the escapist mentally that normally served him well, imagining himself as a much younger boy, out on his bike, his only worry getting home to his parents in time for dinner. Partway into the fantasy, thinking about what his mom might be making for dinner, picturing her waiting for him, greeting him with a hug and asking about his day as he entered the kitchen, Jeremy took a curve and came up behind a small, slower moving group of riders.

They were clearly a family, with a mom and a dad and two young children, a small boy who seemed a little wobbly on two wheels and a younger girl who was trucking along on a bike with training wheels, head down as she concentrated, pumping her short legs, pedaling hard to keep up. "Look, look!" The boy yelled, drawing the attention of both the adults as he wobbled and lowered one foot to the ground to keep his bike from falling over. "Look, how far I went without stopping this time! On only two wheels!"

Jeremy reduced his speed and approached them slowly, listening to the parents cheerfully praise their son's accomplishment. "Great job, kiddo!" "I knew you could do it!" The little girl chimed in something that Jeremy couldn't hear and both parents complimented her riding skills as well. "You're doing great, too, Clare-Bear!" "You'll be on two wheels like your big brother before you know it!"

Jeremy felt something ugly stirring in his chest. The same feeling he used to get during his early adolescent years in foster care whenever he had encountered what appeared to be a happy family. As a small child, the sight of a family like this, complete with two parents, siblings, loving encouragement and cute nicknames would have made him sad. He could remember particularly rough nights, lying awake crying in bed, his longing for a family of his own exacerbated by having witnessed a family like this one, at the park, or at a baseball game. He had spent every moment between his mom's death and his adoption wishing for someone to love him and take care of him, it never wasn't on his mind back then, but coming across the type of family he wanted to be a part of, like the kind of families he used to watch on TV, always intensified the longing and made everything hurt that much more. By twelve years old and all through his early teens, he had still wanted a family more than anything, but the yearning had started to manifest itself differently, with sadness edged out by an intense anger for what he didn't have, and for the injustices that made up his life. Encountering happy families began to ignite a burning jealousy and bitter resentment inside him.

It wasn't just him. Everyone had felt it. Those were the years when anger became the dominant emotion in the group homes, with boys arguing viciously with house staff, getting in fights with each other, dropping out of school and running away. Jeremy hadn't done many of those things. He had instead turned his anger inward where it ate away at him, making him constantly miserable. He had still spoken civilly to house staff for the most part, still tried to win over new foster parents, studied and got good grades, played baseball, behaved as well as he could, too afraid to make things even worse by acting out. Part of him had been envious of the release that some boys had found in fighting or acting like assholes and of the courage it took to just do whatever they felt like without knowing if anyone would be there for them in the fallout. Jeremy had never felt secure enough to give anyone much attitude until Jess, but the anger had been there just the same. As it was now, bubbling up to the surface, boiling his blood and filling his heart with contempt for this stupid family in front of him. He instantly and irrationally hated them.

The mom spotted him, turned around and smiled, all green bike helmet and shiny white teeth, before turning back to her family. "Ok, guys, let's let this boy pass us. Everyone wiggle over to the right a little bit." She led by example, riding her bike ahead of her family, closer to the right hand edge of the road. Her children slowly followed her like ducklings, while her husband brought up the rear. "There you go! Good job, guys!"

Jeremy couldn't stand it. He pedaled as hard as he could, moving quickly by the family, staying in the center of the road even after passing them. He kept going, his heart beating fast, putting as much distance between himself and them as he could, as though that would somehow erase the memory of them, or fix the way he was feeling. He leaned into a blind turn, still moving fast where the center line would be if he were on a real road instead of this strip of dirt, then another. He knew he wasn't being safe, that he should slow down and move to the side of the road, but he didn't care. He picked up speed. The gradient shifted and Jeremy found himself flying down an incline, moving faster than he ever had, without the fear that he normally felt when he rode too fast. All that seemed to matter was getting away from that family. The trees on either side of the road were becoming a blur as Jeremy flew by. He moved into another turn and almost collided with a car that was coming straight at him. Jeremy panicked, swerving to the right, the bike losing traction in the deeper dirt on the roadside, Jeremy clutching desperately at his handbrakes. The bike jerked to a stop as the front tire hit a large rock, bucking Jeremy off and crashing to the ground behind him. Jeremy flew off the bike and landed face down in the dirt and weeds by the side of the road. He laid there in shock a moment before pulling himself to his knees, wincing in pain at the contact with the ground. He shifted onto his butt and examined his wounds. The right knee of his jeans was torn, as was his skin, he saw dirt and gravel stuck in the blood and puss of the open wound and felt sick. He checked the rest of him. His right wrist felt a little funny from landing on it, but it didn't seem broken and the rest of his scrapes, on his forearms and hands, seemed minor. He felt like crying, more from frustration than pain, but he heard a car door slam and remembered he wasn't alone, and that if he started crying, he likely wouldn't be able to stop and would have his second roadside meltdown, this one without even a remotely solid reason and in front of a stranger.

Jeremy looked up to find an older woman crouching next to him, with so much honest concern for him in her kind eyes that Jeremy felt himself getting choked up. "Are you ok? Are you hurt?" Her voice was calm, soothing, like she was talking to a hurt animal or a very young child that she didn't want to alarm. She brushed a piece of too long hair out of his face, tucking it up under his helmet to keep it from falling in his eyes again, then mirrored the motion on herself, tucking a strand of her own black hair behind one ear, giving him a small, encouraging smile, her entire manner so caring and maternal that Jeremy couldn't hold himself together. He felt like a complete moron as silent tears started running down his face. He brushed at them quickly, not wanting to embarrass himself anymore than he already had. He felt like such a loser. Like someone who would never be normal.

"I'm ok." He tried unsuccessfully to sniff back his tears, still wiping frantically at his face. "I'm sorry. I'm not even hurt. I'm sorry. This is so stupid."

She was still smiling at him, her expression calm and comforting. "There's nothing to be sorry about. Sometimes it's the shock of what's happened to us rather than the pain that we find most upsetting."

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Jeremy was digging through the bathroom cabinet for a first aid kit, or at least a box of bandaids. He knew there was a first aid kit in the diner, but he really didn't want to go down there like this, a stupid little kid with a scraped knee, unless he absolutely had to. He knew Luke would fuss over him and while that idea wasn't terrible to Jeremy, the idea of everyone in the diner witnessing it was. The woman who he had almost run into had told him that she had a first aid kit in her car, that she knew a thing or two about patching up skinned knees and she'd be happy to clean up his knee and give him a ride home. He had begged off, too embarrassed after breaking down in front of her. He had told her that he was pretty close to home and that he was fine. She asked him if he was sure, and then respected his decision when he'd said he was. Jeremy appreciated that, knowing that many adults would have tried to force him into doing what they wanted him to do, for their own comfort rather than his. He had tried to ride home, but his knee hurt too much when he bent it, and he had given up and walked his bike back, grateful that the fall had happened where it had, in the part of the wooded section closest to town.

Jeremy gave up looking for a band aid. He stripped off his jeans, careful of his wound, and went into his room to pull on a pair of long, nylon shorts. He sat down on the couch, bent over his injured knee, a roll of paper towels on the coffee table in front of him and a wet washcloth in one hand. He looked down at his knee. The area of abraded skin was slightly larger than the size of a quarter. It was no longer actively bleeding, though shiny, mostly clear puss was still seeping out. He could see specks of dirt and some small pieces of gravel stuck to the wound. Jeremy was just starting to clean the area with the washcloth when Winston slowly got up from his dog bed, stretched his stiff body and trotted to the door, tail wagging in earnest. Jeremy had been hoping to get himself cleaned up before Jess came home from work. He had already embarrassed himself enough for one day, but at least that had been in front of a stranger. He didn't want Jess to see him like this, like a pathetic little kid who couldn't even ride his bike without hurting himself.

Without looking up from his task, he listened to Jeremy and Winston greet each other, Jess telling Winston what a good boy he was and Winston shuffling around Jess with excitement at his parent's voice. Jeremy looked up and met Jess's eye, the man still crouched down with one hand petting the dog. "What's going on over there, Jeremy? You all right?"

Jeremy nodded, feeling pitiful, but not wanting to let it show. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"What happened?" Jess gave Winston one last pat, addressing the dog as he stood up. "Go lie down, boy. Daddy has to go make sure your brother's ok." Jess approached with a concerned look on his face.

Jeremy sighed. "I wiped out on my bike. It was stupid. But, I'm fine. I've got it under control." He forced a sheepish smile onto his face. "I'm fine, really. You don't have to do anything."

"Huh." Jess gave him a look he couldn't read and turned and headed into the kitchen. Jeremy felt a wave of self-pity at Jess's departure, even though he had basically told him to go. He watched Jess wash his hands at the sink and search through one of the lower cabinets and pull out a rectangular white box and walk back over to the couch, placing the first aid kit on the coffee table next to the roll of paper towels as he sat down facing Jeremy. "Ok, let's see what we're dealing with here, kid." Jess reached out toward the boy's knee, his thumb and middle finger encircling Jeremy's wrist and pulling gently to lift the hand holding the washcloth off of the wound so he could get a better look at it. Jeremy complied, letting go of the washcloth when Jess held his other hand out for it. Jeremy leaned back against the couch cushions, watching Jess carefully wipe at the open skin with the washcloth, cleaning out the most superficial dirt and gravel. "It looks like you brought about half the road home with you." Jeremy watched Jess concentrate on his work, brow furrowed slightly. "All right. Let's get you fixed up here." Jess tossed the washcloth onto the coffee table and turned to dig through the first aid kit.

"I couldn't find the first aid kit. I looked in the bathroom, but I didn't think to look in the kitchen." It occurred to Jeremy that he should have. That the kit in the diner was in the kitchen and he should have thought about Luke keeping one in a similar spot in his home.

Jess smiled warmly at Jeremy as he ripped open an alcohol wipe. "Well, I guess it's pretty lucky that I showed up when I did then, huh?"

Jeremy nodded as Jess set to work, gently holding Jeremy's leg above the knee to stabilize it while he disinfected the wound. "I guess it is." He admitted.

The alcohol stung a little, but not as much as the neosporin. Jess warned him before spraying it on the open cut. "This is going to sting a little." But, Jeremy still flinched slightly, which would have embarrassed him, except for how preoccupied he was with watching the matching sympathy grimace on Jess's face. Jess gently wiped off the excess neosporin with the edge of a clean paper towel and covered the open skin with a large bandaid. He looked up at Jeremy, then, smiling warmly at his son, the smile that always felt infectious to Jeremy, clearly satisfied with his handiwork.

"Thanks." Jeremy said quietly, his eyes on Jess.

Jess nodded. "It was my pleasure. I've never bandaged anyone's skinned knee before. I know you didn't really need my help, but thanks for letting me do it anyway."

Jeremy huffed out a soft laugh. "Sure." He smiled back at Jess, aiming for playful nonchalance. "If you enjoyed yourself that much, I can try to sprain an ankle or something tomorrow. Maybe break an arm."

Jess shook his head slowly, still smiling. "I don't like seeing you hurt, but I do like getting to do dad stuff for you. Because, well, I'm your dad and everything." Jess shrugged exaggeratedly and Jeremy got the impression he was also going for nonchalance and missing the mark.

"Yeah, you are. Thanks for that, too."

Jess was shaking his head slowly, warm smile still on his face. "You never have to thank me for that, Jeremy. That really is my pleasure. Always."

Jeremy started to feel self-conscious. He knew he should probably get up and go start his homework, but he was content to sit there and soak up Jess's smile and affection.

"Oh!" Jess grinned. "I almost forgot the most important part." Jeremy watched as Jess gently cupped the top of his knee and leaned forward, feeling choked up at what he knew was coming, watching Jess very gently place a quick kiss on the tail edge of the bandaid. Jess hadn't shaved in a couple of days and Jeremy felt a slight tickle as Jess's stubble came in contact with his knee. Jess sat back up, smiling warmly as he patted Jeremy on the side of his calf. "There. All better."

Jeremy felt overwhelmed by all of it, the gentle handling, the satisfaction Jess got from taking care of him, getting to live out the childhood fantasy of having a loving, doting parent.

"I've never kissed anyone's boo-boo better, either." Jess's smile was playful now. "In case you were wondering."

Jeremy nodded, feeling acute loss and extreme good fortune all at once. He was pretty sure his mom had been the only person to ever kiss a boo-boo of his. Not that he could remember her doing so, but he knew she had loved him and made him feel safe, could remember that much, and that kissing boo-boo's was what moms did. He was certain no one had done it since. Jeremy offered Jess a small but heartfelt smile, not trusting himself to bring up his mom, knowing his voice would be embarrassingly thick with emotion. He tried to keep it light, instead. "Well, you did a good job. No one would ever know you weren't a pro at it."

Jess's smile intensified. He reached out a hand and tousled Jeremy's hair playfully. "Thanks for always humoring me, kid. You're not too terrible. I hope you know that."

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"I would have made you breakfast, too, if I'd known you were going to be home this early." Jeremy sat at the kitchen table in front of a plate of half-eaten scrambled eggs and toast while he watched Jess and Winston greet each other at the door. He felt exhausted. Last night had been rough. He didn't know why he was thinking about his parents so much lately, especially his mom. It seemed counter-intuitive to spend so much time thinking about them even now when he finally had a forever family of his own. But, some nights, he couldn't keep his mind from churning over that loss, which usually led to a deep dive down the rabbit hole of all the other losses and rejections he had experienced. He became fixated on reliving the pain and loneliness that had made up the majority of his life before Jess. His mind was taken over by the deep-seated fear that only came out in the dark, the deep down voice that told him he could still end up in that place again, alone. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw a clip from the mental reel of shit from his childhood, the worse stuff, the old hurts and anxieties bearing down on him with a crushingly present intensity.

He had given up around two o'clock and taken a couple of hits from the vape pen. It hadn't felt like anything at first, but after a few minutes it had helped him calm down enough to get to sleep, but the effect hadn't lasted long enough to keep him out all night, and he had woken around quarter to five, exhausted but unable to get back to sleep no matter how hard he tried, and unsure if he should use the pen again so soon. He had lain in bed with a book, trying to get sleepy, but had given up around six-thirty, getting out of bed, feeding and walking Winston, taking a shower and making himself breakfast. At least he didn't have to work today. Luke had given him the day off to go check out the Renaissance Faire with Jess. He hadn't expected Jess back from Mallory's this early and he wondered if everything was all right with them.

Jess looked up with a smile. "That's ok. I'll just grab cereal or something." Jess walked past the table, Winston trotting dutifully behind him, cupped the side of Jeremy's head and dropped a kiss on top. "Mwah! How's my kid today?" Jeremy watched Jess fix himself a bowl of cereal at the kitchen counter.

Jeremy took in Jess' cheerful demeanor and decided nothing bad could have happened between him and Mallory. "I'm ok. Tired, but ok. Why are you home so early? Did Mallory kick you out or something?"

Jess gave him a playful frown and he walked back to the table carrying a bowl of cereal and a glass of orange juice. It made Jeremy think about Luke. Jess was someone who drank coffee sometimes, but wasn't hooked enough to need it every morning. "No, smart-ass. She had an eight o'clock tennis game-"

Jeremy smirked. "So, she _did_ kick you out, then?"

"No, she did not. I could have stayed there without her. I just figured I could hang out at her place by myself for two hours, or I could come home and hang out with my boys instead."

Jeremy watched Winston curl back up in his dog bed now that Jess had been sufficiently welcomed. "Is Mallory still coming to the Renaissance Faire with us today?"

Jess nodded as he finished chewing. "Yeah. She's still in. She's going to go home and shower after her tennis match and then come over here and we'll all head to the fair together." Jess smiled at him. "I still think it's a weird way to spend the day, but hopefully, we'll all have a good time." Jeremy gave him a small smile back, knowing that Jess was likely holding himself back from making a disparaging comment or two about Liz and TJ. He appreciated it. He appreciated Jess.

"TJ texted me last night." Jeremy said. "He said he'd meet us out front with another ticket for Mallory. He said that Liz probably won't be able to get away from her booth for very long because apparently she's much better at selling her jewelry than he is, but he offered for him and Doula to hang out with us and give us a tour."

Jess smiled so cheerfully that Jeremy could tell it was put on for his benefit, and it made him feel guilty. "That sounds good. That's very thoughtful of him."

"Hey, Jess?" Jeremy asked hesitantly, wanting to clear the air.

"Hey, Jeremy." Jess flashed him a grin before putting another spoonful of cereal in his mouth.

Jeremy smiled at the familiar joke. "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for some of the stuff I said the other day when we were talking about Liz. I didn't mean to be so…..judgemental, I guess. I've just been thinking about my parents a lot lately and missing them, and I don't know, just thinking about my life and stuff. But, I know that my situation doesn't have anything to do with your situation with Liz and I shouldn't have said the stuff I said. And, I'm sorry I was kind of a jerk."

Jess was watching him steadily now, a small smile on his face. "I appreciate that, Jeremy. No hard feelings, ok?"

Jeremy nodded. "Ok. Thanks."

"And, I didn't think you were a jerk." Jess smiled at him. "And, it's not like I can't relate. I can remember being your age and judging the shit out of Luke and thinking I knew everything, especially how he should be living his life. It wasn't until I was well into my twenties that I really understood that he was the best judge of how he should live his life, not me."

Jeremy felt chastened and a little embarrassed, even though he didn't think that was what Jess had intended. He didn't feel warm, but he hoped he wasn't blushing anyway. "What kinds of things did you judge Uncle Luke for?"

"Let's see, what did I not judge that guy for?" Jess smiled warmly at Jeremy. "I judged him for being head over heels in love with Lorelai and not asking her out. For having taste so bad that he was in love with Lorelai to begin with. For hardly ever going out himself. For not having friends to go out with." Jess huffed out a laugh. "Which was really arrogant of me considering I had even less in the way of friends, and probably still do, cause, hey, at least Luke has Kirk." Jeremy smiled at that. "The number one thing I judged him for was probably his wardrobe of all flannel shirts and backward baseball caps. I picked on him constantly for that."

"It's definitely a limited wardrobe, but it kind of works on him. I can't really picture Uncle Luke without the flannel shirt and baseball cap."

"In the all the years I've known him, I've only seen him change up his wardrobe a handful of times." Jess paused. "All that really comes to mind are his own wedding and Liz and TJ's. Oh, and one time when he came out to Philly for an event at Truncheon. I didn't know for sure that he was coming and I swear for a second I didn't recognize him. I was just standing behind him thinking, hey, that guy looks kind of like my uncle, except he has hair and a dress shirt. It was a little freaky!" Jess grinned and took a sip of his orange juice.

Jeremy smiled. He always liked hearing Jess's family memories from before he himself had joined the family. He still felt like he had so much family history to fill in for everything he had missed.

"So." Jeremy could hear the forced casualness in that one syllable and knew something serious was likely coming. He watched Jess look down at his cereal bowl as he scooped up a spoonful. "You've been thinking about your parents a lot lately, huh?"

Jeremy just nodded, already sorry he had mentioned it. "Yeah. I mean, I guess I always do to some extent….."

"But, it's been pretty bad lately?" Jeremy frowned, feeling hurt at the connotation Jess was placing on his memory of his parents. The anxiety and old hurts that kept him up at night weren't good, but he didn't want his memories of his parents, especially his mom, to be classified as something inherently bad. Jess must have seen his reaction. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. It's not bad that you're thinking about your parents. I just meant that you've been doing it a lot lately. Right? Is that what you were saying?"

"Uh, yeah. More than usual, I guess. Sometimes it's hard to sleep at night when I start thinking about them and everything, especially my mom." Jess chewed thoughtfully as he listened to Jeremy.

"I've been thinking. I mean, not just because of this, but in general this is probably something I should have brought up sooner….."

"What?" Jeremy felt nervous, knowing from Jess's own discomfort that he likely wasn't going to like what Jess wanted to say.

"I was just wondering if you would be interested in seeing someone." Jess paused and seemed to be waiting for a response. "Someone like a therapist that you could talk to about what you're going through."

Jeremy could feel himself getting defensive. "Oh, yeah? What am I going through?" He tried to keep his tone neutral.

The determination seemed to drain from Jess's face. The man sighed. "I guess I just mean dealing with your past. The feelings you're having about your parents-"

"Missing my dead parents isn't a mental health issue, Jess." Jeremy knew his tone wasn't pleasant. He hadn't wanted to get into this this morning. He had just been sitting here eating breakfast, thinking he had the apartment to himself for a couple more hours. He wondered if Jess had felt accosted like this when he had started in on him about Liz the other day. "It's normal. I'll miss my mom for the rest of my life."

"I know. I know that. Of course you will. I didn't mean that it was something that needed to get fixed or anything. I just thought that maybe talking to a professional, maybe someone who specializes in grief counseling, or working with former foster kids." Jeremy felt like interrupting again. Telling Jess that there wasn't a 'former' there, or not a meaningful one, at least. That once a foster kid, always a foster kid. That having found a forever family had only made the smallest dent in quieting the anxiety and fear that had been a part of his life for as long as he could remember. But, he bit it back knowing it would sound terribly ungrateful. "Someone who can help you process how you feel about what you've been through." He stared at Jess, unsure how to respond. "It's just an idea. I thought it might help you."

Jeremy nodded. "Can I think about it?"

"Yeah. Of course you can." Jess gave his best everything's going to be ok smile. "Give it a nice long think and see what you come up with. Let me know if you're interested and I can check with Mallory to see if there's someone she recommends."

It occurred to Jeremy that this suggestion had likely come from Mallory. It wasn't a surprising recommendation, but it irked him all the same to think that Jess was discussing his issues with his girlfriend.

"Is this Mallory's idea?" Jeremy studied Jess carefully for signs of dishonesty.

"She may have mentioned something about it. She feels like everyone who's gone through a trauma, especially a childhood trauma, could benefit from therapy. But, it's something I'd thought about before, too, on my own, for you."

Jeremy finished off the last bite of his eggs. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Did you ever go to therapy for _your childhood trauma_ with Liz?" Jeremy stared at Jess.

Jess sighed. "No. No, I didn't." Jess looked at Jeremy carefully. "But, that doesn't mean you shouldn't. It doesn't even mean _I_ shouldn't have. What I didn't isn't relevant to this. I don't want you to make a bad decision just because I did."

"I'll think about it." Jeremy picked up his empty plate and headed into the kitchen, feeling tight and twisted inside, somewhere between a victim and an asshole.

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Jeremy listened to Mallory and Jess talking in the front seat. Mallory was telling Jess, and Jeremy, too, he supposed, about the only other time she had been to a Renaissance Faire, when she was a kid and had gone with a friend's family.

Jeremy had only ridden in the backseat of the Mazda three times before. The first time had been short-lived, the day he and Jess had left Philadelphia and they had argued over Winston not having a seat belt. The other two times, the trip to the courthouse for his adoption and the trip to Boston for the Red Sox game, had been to give up the passenger seat to Luke, which had felt like the natural thing to do. He had known what was expected of him when they had gone out to the car this morning and had headed straight for the backseat. It's not that he had any resentment over giving Mallory his spot. He really didn't. It had felt like the appropriate thing to do the same way he would hold open a door for her. But, being in the backseat was giving him a new perspective this time, making him feel separate and distanced from the conversation in a way that it hadn't during the previous trips. It felt like a foreshadowing of what his life would be like as Jess and Mallory got closer, Mallory becoming Jess's most important person if she wasn't already, the two living together, getting married, starting a family of their own. Jeremy didn't necessarily think Jess would cut him out, but he worried that it would be easier to let himself drift off and end up alone, if he already felt like he was on the fringe.

"Hey, Jeremy." Jeremy looked up, meeting Jess's eye in the rear view mirror, the man's brow furrowed slightly in the reflection. "You awake back there? Mallory just asked you a question."

"What? Oh, uh, sorry." Jeremy pulled himself out of his head and focused on Mallory as she patiently repeated her question.

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"And you want kids, right? I mean, everybody wants kid, don't they?" Jeremy watched Liz smile in a way that he knew she thought would put Mallory at ease. Jeremy took another bite of the small vegetable pie on the table in front of him as he braced himself for the response from Jess that he knew was coming.

"Oh-" Mallory started, looking slightly caught off guard at the transition from things Liz didn't want them to miss at the fair to the topic of her having Jess's children, but not as uncomfortable as Jeremy would have expected.

"Jeez, Liz!" Jess's voice was slightly raised, and more than slightly annoyed. "You just met her. Do you honestly think that's any of your business?" They were sitting at a picnic table at the fair with Liz, who was decked out in full middle ages garb, a white peasant top with a built in bustier pushing her boobs up and out to the point of making Jeremy very uncomfortable when she had crushed him to her chest earlier in greeting, and a long flowing skirt. Jeremy had watched Jess valiantly rein in his irritation all day. When TJ's opening line to Mallory and Jeremy had been, _seriously, you guys didn't even dress up. I knew my stepson here was no fun, but I was hoping you guys would be a good influence on him_. Or when TJ had been showing them around and they had passed a series of bustier clad 'serving wenches' and TJ had elbowed Jeremy playfully, _how do you like the T and A, huh, kid? There's nothing quite like a ren fair for some good eye candy. _Or after the few minutes of introductions at Liz's booth, when TJ had insisted that he and Doula would hold down the fort for Liz so that she could spend time with her son and grandson, just as Jess was trying to make a gracious escape under the pretense of not interfering with Liz's sales.

"What?" Liz turned to her son, eyes big with innocent surprise as if she couldn't grasp the cause of his displeasure. "I'm just asking. A mother wants to know if she's getting more grandchildren. That's all. I love the grandson you already gave me." She smiled at Jeremy then and he dutifully returned it. "And I'm just wondering if I have more to look forward to. It's a natural question." She turned back toward Mallory. "Isn't it Mallory?" Then back toward Jess before Mallory could respond. "See, she gets it. She's a therapist. She understands human nature like I do." And, back to Mallory. "I bet you've counseled lots of women about sex and fertility issues. You get it. You know how important kids and grandkids are to women."

Jeremy watched Mallory's smile, knowing it was her professional 'I'm acting like you're not being crazy even though you are' smile as opposed to the more comfortable and authentic one he had come to recognize in spending time with her outside of school. "The majority of my counseling on sex involves telling people to insist on a condom if they can't abstain from sex all together." Jeremy watched Liz give her a puzzled look. "I'm a high school guidance counselor." Mallory explained with a bright smile.

"Oh." Liz frowned. "I thought Jess told me you were a sex therapist."

Jess scoffed. "I never said anything like-"

"But, even if they're young, abstinence feels like such harsh advice. Teenagers are very sexual beings." She nodded sagely and turned toward him. "What do you think, Jeremy? I bet you like to have sex, don't you?"

When he first met his grandparents, questions like this used to scare the crap out of Jeremy, inducing a small panic complete with blushing, sweating and rapid heart beat. But, that was before he had learned the pattern and realized he would always be saved before he had to respond when Jess was around. And, Liz didn't seem so out of control in regard to boundaries when he wasn't. "Jesus Christ, Liz! Don't ask him questions like that! Do you really think that's something he wants to discuss with his grandmother?"

"See?" Liz was emphatic now. "That's what's so messed up with society. Everyone's so repressed sexually. It shouldn't be such a taboo subject that a teenage boy doesn't feel comfortable discussing sex with his grandmother." She turned back to Mallory. "It's sad really. Don't you think?"

"Oh, well, I-"

"Liz, how are jewelry sales going today?" Jess's voice was too loud, held too much forced cheerfulness and thinly veiled attitude. Jeremy could appreciate his attempt to shield Mallory from an awkward conversation with his mother, but he knew it wasn't going to go over well.

Jeremy watched Liz's face fall. "Honey. You tell me what questions I can't ask my own grandson. You tell me what I can and can't talk to your girlfriend about. I'm not sure what I'm allowed to say to anyone around you anymore." It hit Jeremy why Liz's situation with Jess played so heavily on his sympathies. The level of desperation she exuded around Jess wasn't there when Jeremy spent time with Liz's family in Jess's absence. She clearly felt safe and loved around TJ and Doula and was able to lower her intensity a bit with them, but when she was with Jess, it seemed like she was always on too loud, her switch cranked up too high, trying too hard, to be accepted by her son, to be loved, to be considered family. Jeremy knew Liz had been a shitty mom when Jess had been young, he trusted Jess implicitly and believed the stories he had been told, but when he was watching the current day Liz, it was hard to not feel for her when her desperation felt so familiar. He knew he was watching Liz constantly audition for the role of Jess's mother just as he had spent his childhood in one prolonged tryout for the part of someone's son.

Jess sighed heavily. "Maybe we could change the subject. You know, to something other than sex. Maybe pretend we're a normal family, at least in front of Mallory. Just a crazy thought."

Liz shook her head as if Jess's words made her very sad for him. "I can't believe I raised a son who's so concerned with being normal." She smiled then. "It's almost funny when you think about it."

Jeremy watched Mallory's hand disappear under the table. Jess glanced her way, a small smile of appreciation on his face as their eyes locked for a moment, leaving Jeremy feeling like an outsider witnessing something private. Mallory turned back to Liz and Jeremy felt confident she would be able to reroute the derailed conversation, fix things in a way that was beyond his own abilities and Jess's willingness. "After lunch, I would love to take a longer look at your jewelry, Liz. My mother's birthday is coming up, and I'd like to buy something for her. She really appreciates unique, artisan jewelry, and from what I got to see earlier, I think she would love your work." Jeremy watched Mallory. He felt a little in awe of her calm demeanor, her mastery of emotional intelligence in dealing with other people, being able to right the course without making anyone feel foolish for having made a wrong turn to begin with. Jeremy had a feeling that Mallory would be a part of any long term improvement that ever occured between Jess and his mother.

"Oh, sweetie, of course!" Liz enthused, smiling warmly at Mallory. Jeremy could tell that she was flattered. "You pick out anything you want for your mom, honey. On the house. My gift to you. It's the least I can do for the girl dating my son." Her smile became conspiratorial then. "Possibly my future daughter-in-law."

Jess exhaled forcefully, his annoyance clear.

"What now, honey?" Liz asked, with a smirk at Mallory before turning to Jess. "I'm just saying. I have a sense about these things. You know I do." She turned back to Mallory. "It's true. I don't want to say I'm psychic, exactly, but I do get these feelings. And, I'm very good at reading people. That's all I'm saying."


	9. Chapter 9 - Jeremy's First Drug Deal

**Chapter 9 Notes:** A couple months have passed since the last chapter. Jeremy is getting more involved with both Harrison and Marty, for better or worse. Thanks to all the readers who took the time to leave me a comment or send me a message after the last chapter. I can't tell you enough how much I love hearing from you guys!

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls.

Jeremy moved around Jess to reach the cabinet, pulling out a jar of peanut butter. He glanced around the counter, then walked over to the refrigerator, opening the door and looking inside. "Do we have any bread?" He asked as he closed the door.

Jess eyed him from where he stood at the sink, washing the breakfast dishes. "We just finished it off as toast."

"Oh." Jeremy was still holding the peanut butter as he tried to think of a plan B.

"I can pick some up on my way home from work tonight." Jess was giving him a quizzical look. "Are you packing a lunch? I thought you bought lunch at school."

"I usually do. And, I still will on Monday, Wednesday and Friday when I eat with Marty and those guys, but I want to start bringing a lunch on Tuesday and Thursday."

"Yeah? Trying to save money?" Jess picked up another plate and ran a soapy sponge over it.

"Uh. Kind of."

"I can give you some money for lunch if you need it." Jeremy felt a warmth in his chest at the offer, at Jess's knee jerk reaction to want to make things better for his child, to fill a need and make sure he was fed and happy, without asking for anything in return. It was a huge thing to have and it wasn't something Jeremy ever wanted to take for granted.

He smiled at Jess, almost half-hugged him as he passed behind him on his way to the table, one arm loosely wrapping around Jess's side, a hand landing briefly in a gentle pat against his chest while Jess set the last dish in the drying rack, over before Jess could reach for the dish towel to dry his hands and return the hug. That was something Jeremy never wanted to take for granted either, the privilege of being able to touch someone when he wanted to, to get to have physical contact with someone he loved and who loved him back. He had been feeling very sentimental about Jess lately. Things seemed particularly hard for Harrison lately and Jeremy couldn't help but think he could have ended up in the same situation if it hadn't been for Jess. "That's ok, Dad. I have money for lunch. It's just that sometimes I eat with Harrison and he's started bringing his lunch, so I figured I might as well bring stuff, too, to save time so he wouldn't have to wait for me to go buy something….."

Jess nodded and Jeremy could tell his father was trying not to grin. He knew he didn't call Jess dad as much as he had at one point, or as much as Jess liked him to. The term had never become as comfortable for him as Jeremy once thought it would, even though he loved Jess like a parent, thought of him as his dad, even introduced him that way. But, he knew how happy it made Jess and that he should do it more often even if for that reason alone since Jess did so much for him. And, he could admit that he didn't like when Jess had signed a note a few weeks back as 'Jess' instead of 'Dad.' For some reason, Jeremy was more comfortable with the use of dad when it was written down. "That makes sense, son." Jeremy shot a glance back at Jess and watched the man smiling to himself as he dried his hands. "I'll make sure we have bread before Thursday, then. I'm sure if you run downstairs and look desperate enough, Luke could be persuaded to give you a couple of slices."

Jeremy looked at the digital clock on the microwave. "That's ok. I don't want to make us late. I'll start bringing lunch on Thursday."

"Ok. Anything else you want me to pick up if you're going to start packing a lunch? Jelly? Bananas? Grapes? Chips?"

As the semester had worn on, Jeremy had fallen into a routine at school. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, he still ate lunch with Marty, but their little twosome had expanded to include a few more people that Marty had made friends with. Sometimes Jill and Ashley joined them. Sometimes it was just a few guys from their morning class, or a guy that Marty worked with at the library. Jeremy hadn't become particularly close to any of them, Marty included, but it was nice to have a little social group, to know enough people that he usually got asked to partner up for group projects in class, to get invited to an occasional study group or party on the weekends. He hadn't gone back to one of Marty's brothers' parties since the first one, usually begged off saying he had to work late and or had family stuff that night, and Marty had become a lot less pushy about his going now that he'd made a few other friends that seemed to enjoy drinking and smoking as much as he did. And, even though Jeremy and Marty had very little in common, Jeremy found him fun and easy to be around. He could also admit that Marty provided him with a comfortable way to meet more people than Jeremy likely would have had on his own, with his tendency to quietly hang back and observe in a social setting. Marty was also a good person to know for his connection to pot, which was the only thing that helped Jeremy get to sleep some nights.

Jeremy also had somewhat of a standing lunch date with Harrison on Tuesdays and Thursdays after their English composition class. Once in a while, one of them had to skip lunch to run an errand or meet with an adviser, but they got lunch together more often than not. They had started off buying food in the cafeteria or at one of the fast food restaurants on campus, but both days last week, Harrison had brought a peanut butter sandwich and an apple. It hadn't seemed like a very filling or appealing lunch to Jeremy, but he got it. Harrison was on his own, working two jobs and paying for college. He had to watch every penny. Jeremy had felt uncomfortable eating his cafeteria veggie burgers and falafel wraps in front of Harrison and had decided to start bringing his own lunch out of solidarity. He also figured he could bring some extra stuff, like chips or nuts or something and share with Harrison. Jeremy should have planned for today better. He thought about grabbing a protein bar and filling a baggie with nuts, but he thought that might look like an odd lunch, and make it too obvious that he was just bringing food because Harrison was.

"Uh, yeah, maybe almonds, and salt and vinegar chips. And, grapes would be good, too. And, those baby carrot sticks." Jeremy thought about how his situation differed from Harrison's so drastically when without Jess he could have easily ended up in the same boat, on his own, struggling to feed himself and keep a roof over his head and pay for college. Instead, Jeremy had to merely look for food in the kitchen for Jess to offer him money for lunch or take down a list of things Jeremy wanted to eat that would magically appear in the cabinets and refrigerator by the next day. "Thanks."

Jess was smiling warmly at him. "Yeah. You got it. You want me to start writing little notes and smiley faces on your napkins again, too?"

Jeremy laughed as he walked over to the table. "Um, let me think…...maybe not."

Jess grinned. "C'mon, I was a great lunch packer. Admit it."

Jeremy smiled back, packing his textbooks into his backpack. "You were. No one else has ever packed my lunch as well as you did, but I think I can handle it this time around." Jeremy thought about opening a lunch bag and pulling out a thoughtful note from his dad in front of Harrison. He knew how that would make him feel if their situations were reversed. Jeremy hadn't told Jess anything about Harrison's situation. He might have if Harrison wasn't in the class he shared with Jess. It felt wrong disclosing anything about Harrison's past or personal life when Jess actually knew Harrison, even if the two had only spoken a handful of times. "Maybe I can pack something for you to take to the bookstore with you, too. Since, I'll be packing my own lunch anyway. Maybe _I'll_ be the one drawing _you_ hearts and smiley faces this time."

Jess laughed. "Hey, that sounds good to me. We can both save a little money." Jeremy had a fleeting thought about Andrew and wondered if it would be as much of a dick move for Jess to take bagged lunches complete with love notes from his son to work as he knew it would be for him to take lunches with notes from his dad to meet up with Harrison. He was grateful for the relationship he had with Jess, but he knew what it was like to go without, to have nothing but a history of losses, and he tried to always remain cognizant of not rubbing what he had in anyone else's face.

Jeremy shouldered his backpack and stooped to give Winston a few pats as he waited for Jess to be ready for their Tuesday morning carpool to school. Jeremy still rode in with Jess on Tuesdays and Thursdays and took the bus home after his second class. It would be easier to just take his own car, but he liked riding with Jess and knew Jess liked riding with him. He figured he had the rest of his college and work career to drive himself around. "Hey, Jess?"

"Hey, Jeremy." Jess was throwing a notebook and pen into his messenger bag, smirking to himself as he did.

"We have this project for history class that's due next week. We have to put together a powerpoint presentation and everything. Harrison's my partner. Would it be ok if he came over one night for us to work on it? I thought it might be more comfortable than just doing it at the library. And, maybe kind of cool to see him outside of school."

Jess walked to the door, the strap from his messenger bag a diagonal line across the chest of his sweater. "Uh, yeah. Yeah, of course." Jeremy knew he had caught Jess off guard. It was the first time he had asked to have a friend over since he had lived with Jess.

"I was thinking of asking him for Thursday because I know it's his regular night off from work, but I can ask for a different night if you want it to be a time when you're going to be at Mallory's." Jeremy gave Winston a quick head rub and headed to the door.

"Huh." Jess gave him an exaggerated side eye as they walked out of the apartment. "What are you trying to say there, kid? Your dear old dad embarrasses you? You think I'm not cool enough to be around your little school friend?"

Jeremy laughed as he trotted down the stairs in front of Jess. "How could I possibly think you're not cool when you say things like 'little school friend'?"

Jeremy heard Jess laugh behind him, the sound deep and warm.

"I just didn't want us to be in your way or anything." Jeremy explained.

"You, little boy, could never be in my way." Jeremy pushed through the curtain into the diner, soaking up the love in Jess's voice.

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Jeremy was feeling anxious about tonight. Jess was going to stay at Mallory's apartment and Jeremy's vape pen had run out the night before. Jess had been home last night, but Jeremy had gotten into the habit of taking a hit or two on weeknights even when Jess was home to make sure he got a good night's sleep so he could concentrate in class. That's what he told himself. He didn't get stoned, nothing like that, he just took enough for a smooth send-off to sleep. But, nights like tonight, when Jess was gone and Jeremy was home by himself were the nights that he needed it the most, to quiet his mind and relax him enough for his body to even consider falling asleep. He had seen Marty at school today and asked if he could buy a refill from him. He had felt stupid asking. He didn't know much about pot and he had no idea what terms to use to ask for more. Marty had told him that the pen he had given him was disposable, something cheap to test it out, that Jeremy could just chuck it now that it was empty, and that he could buy a refillable pen and more pot now that he knew he how much he liked it. The only problem was Marty had to get the new pen from his brother, who he wasn't planning to see until the weekend and could Jeremy wait that long? Jeremy hadn't wanted to seem too dependent on the stuff and had said, sure, of course, that the weekend would be fine. But, as Jeremy moved around the diner, helping Luke close up, waiting until the weekend no longer felt fine. The idea of falling asleep without any chemical help when Jess was away felt daunting to the point of anxiety inducing. It also felt embarrassing. He knew he shouldn't be dealing with this at his age.

"Do you have a lot of homework tonight?" Luke asked as he cleaned up behind the counter, wiping down the mess around the coffee maker and breaking down the machine to be washed. "Because if you do, you can take off. I can finish up down here."

"Oh, no. I'm fine." Jeremy looked up curiously from his sweeping. "I just have the normal amount, I guess. A biology quiz tomorrow and a poem I have to recite in sign language. But, I'm ready for both of those."

"Ok, well that's good. Is there something else bothering you, then?"

Jeremy frowned at Luke's back as the man fiddled with the coffee machine. "No. Why do you ask?"

Luke turned to face him now. "Oh, nothing. You just seem kind of antsy tonight. I thought you might be worried about something."

Jeremy shrugged, torn between feeling annoyed at himself for being obvious and appreciating Luke for caring enough to notice. "I'm fine. I'm not antsy."

Luke nodded and stood watching Jeremy sweep. "Things are good with Jess?"

Jeremy smiled down at the pile of crumbs he was gathering with his broom. He knew Luke didn't believe him and they were going to play twenty questions. "Things are great with Jess. He's still my favorite dad."

Luke smiled at that. "Good. That's good to hear. And, you and Mallory are getting along, right? You're ok with Jess dating her? She seems nice."

Jeremy answered each question in order to try to emphasize the ridiculousness of all the stacked questions. "Mallory and I are getting along just fine. Yes, I am ok with Jess dating her. And, you're right, she is nice."

Jeremy glanced over at Luke to see the man standing with his arms crossed over his chest and an amused smile on his face. "And, Winston? You and Winston are good? You haven't gotten into a fight with Winston have you? Maybe he said something that pissed you off, or he looked at you funny or something."

Jeremy smirked. "Me and Winston are good. Me and dad are good. Me and dad's girlfriend are good. School is good. Huh." Jeremy paused as if considering something. "I guess that only leaves you and me." Jeremy feigned surprise, feeling relaxed and enjoying himself for the first time all night. "Are we not good, Uncle Luke?" Jeremy asked innocently.

Luke laughed. "We're good, smartass. You and me are always good."

Jeremy smiled and continued sweeping.

"You know." Luke turned to head into the kitchen. "You get more and more like your dad every day."

"Should I say thanks or be offended?" Jeremy asked.

Luke chuckled. "I leave the interpretation entirely up to you, nephew."

There was a knock on the door of the diner that got both their attention, Luke frowning and Jeremy feeling a wave of relief at the sight of Marty outside, grinning at him through the glass waving one hand at him. Luke started toward the door. "Can this kid seriously not read a one-word sign?"

"Oh, uh." Jeremy carried the broom in one hand as he moved to cut off Luke. "I think he might be here for me."

Luke looked annoyed, gestured toward the door. "You know this guy?"

"Yeah, I go to school with him. Is it ok if I go outside to talk to him for a minute? I'll be right back."

"Yeah. Yeah, of course, Jeremy. That's fine." Luke consented without actually looking happy about it and Jeremy let himself out the door, pulling it closed behind him.

"Hey Jeremy. I found you some stuff." Marty grinned at Jeremy, and Jeremy frowned, looking back over his shoulder into the diner. Luke was standing there watching him, but he turned away after Jeremy caught him looking. Even though Jeremy knew his uncle couldn't hear him outside, he waited the man had walked behind the counter before responding. "What?" Marty asked, his tone genuinely curious.

Jeremy turned back to Marty. "Sorry. I just didn't want him to hear us."

Marty smiled wide, relaxed as he laughed. "Like your boss cares what you do. I show up stoned at the library sometimes and no one there cares as long as I still use my indoor voice."

Jeremy tilted his head to indicate inside the diner. "That's my uncle. Trust me, he would care. And, he'd tell my dad, who would also care and probably yell a lot."

Marty giggled like a little kid and Jeremy wondered if he was high right now. He almost asked, but figured it would probably be really uncool to need to ask and not be able to recognize it for himself. "All right. We'll hide it from uncle boss man, then. I can get you a new vape pen, a good one, with a refillable cartridge on Friday night when I see Sean, but I wanted to get you something for your." Marty laughed and smirked. "More immediate needs since you seemed so wigged out at school today to have to go a few days without it."

"What?" Jeremy was genuinely surprised that he hadn't hidden his panic as well as he thought he had. "I was _not_ wigged out. I was just fine."

"Ok." Marty dragged out the first syllable, emphasizing how little he believed Jeremy. "You weren't wigged out at all. You were just fine." The boy laughed again. "Whatever gets you through the night. But, hey, now you have this to get you through the night!" He pulled a plastic sandwich baggie from his jacket pocket and held it up for Jeremy to see. Jeremy took one look at the contents, pot leaves and a small white square of paper, and felt his heart rate increasing. He quickly put his hand on Marty's wrist and pulled his hand and the bag down in between them so that if Luke happened to look out the window, Jeremy's body would block his view of the pot. The reaction made Marty giggle even more and Jeremy released his wrist, feeling embarrassed at how nervous he was to get caught. "We need to get stoned together sometime, Jeremy. Or at least drunk. It's always entertaining to see someone as uptight as you get high."

"I'm not uptight. And, I don't get high. I just use it as a-"

"A sleep aid." Marty interrupted with a smirk. "Yeah, I know. You already told me. Several times."

Jeremy was getting annoyed and felt like a jerk for it since Marty had done him a favor bringing this over. Then Jeremy thought about how much it would likely cost and realized that it was probably more of a business transaction than a favor to Marty.

"So, I couldn't get my hands on a pen tonight, but this is some vintage, pre-pen stuff we have going on here. This is how the cavemen had to smoke before there was any technology or anything." Marty giggled. "This is some full-on paleo shit right here!"

"Can you please stop announcing it to the whole town?" Jeremy looked over his shoulder again, to see Luke standing behind the counter, wiping it down with a rag. Jeremy had already cleaned the counter. He knew Luke was likely just waiting for him to come back in to close up and he wanted to wrap this up and not keep his uncle waiting.

"Relax. I just want to make sure you're familiar with rolling a joint and smoking it like this."

Jeremy had only smoked pot a few times in his life and every time had been from a vape pen. But, he had watched enough movies and television to know what a joint was. He sighed. "I think I can figure it out."

"Ok, but just know that this shit smells like ass. So, make sure your dad's not around, crack a window even if it's cold and blow the smoke out the window. I would not recommend interacting with your dad after you've smoked without changing your clothes, chewing a breath mint and possibly showering if you can. You might not feel like you smell after, but you will and I'm getting the distinct vibe that you'd rather your dad not know about this."

Jeremy gave Marty a look. "Like you don't care if your parents know you smoke?"

Marty's grinned got bigger. "I stole this from my parents' stash if that answers your question."

Jeremy knew his face must have registered surprise when Marty laughed out loud. Marty waved the baggie in the air between them. "Forty bucks."

"Forty?" Jeremy had no idea what to expect, but that seemed like a lot.

"Yep. I even waived my late night delivery fee since we're friends, so you're welcome."

Jeremy started digging around in the front pouch of the apron tied around his neck, counting out ones and the occasional five. He heard Marty giggling and responded without looking up. "All I have on me right now is my tip money. My wallet's upstairs."

"That's cool." Marty said. "Do what you got to do. I accept all currency."

Jeremy handed over the crumpled bills, grateful that quite a few people had paid in cash tonight, and took the baggie, immediately shoving it into the deep apron pocket.

"All right. See you, Jeremy!" Marty gave Jeremy one last grin and walked away.

Jeremy took a moment to collect himself before heading back into the diner. Luke was leaning against one of the diner stools, arms crossed, an expression that Jeremy couldn't read on his face. "Everything ok, nephew?"

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, everything's fine. Marty just wanted to tell me something."

"Oh, yeah?" Luke asked.

"Yeah, uh, something for the biology quiz tomorrow." Jeremy mentally cringed, knowing he had made the lie seem less believable as opposed to more.

"The biology quiz, huh?" Jeremy had the distinct feeling that his uncle thought he was lying and it made him feel sick to his stomach. "Don't kids usually just text each other these days? You know, when they have something to _tell_ each other."

Jeremy couldn't look at Luke. He felt like shit for lying. He looked around for his broom to finish sweeping. "Uh, he said he was walking by and saw me and then remembered what he needed to tell me."

"Well, that worked out well." Luke nodded and stood up. "Ok. I think we're done here. You can head on up. I'll take the trash to the dumpster on my way out."

Two things hit Jeremy. How Luke shouldn't be helping him with one of his assigned tasks when he was standing there lying to the guy's face and also how bad he was at being devious. That he should have taken the trash out with him, giving him an excuse to have stayed out longer and to have taken Marty into the alley where the dumpster was located instead of staying on the sidewalk in front of the diner with only a glass window separating him from his uncle. He sighed. "Ok. Thanks." Jeremy started to untie his apron and paused, realizing he couldn't pour out his tips and toss his apron in with the diner laundry like he usually did. He tried to be subtle as he re-tied the knot at his lower back, taking a few steps toward the stairs. He didn't like the way Luke was looking at him. "All right. Well, goodnight, Uncle Luke."

Luke nodded as he picked up the two bags of garbage that Jeremy had set by the door before Marty had stopped by. "Good night, nephew. Be good."

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"Aw, hey little guy!" Jeremy watched Winston greet Harrison as they entered the apartment, enjoying the smile it brought to the other boy's face. Winston was good like that, for making a person feel happy even when they were stressed. And after what Harrison had told him in the car on the drive home from school, Jeremy knew Harrison had to be very stressed. Jeremy himself was stressed after hearing about it. He had known that Harrison had been staying in a three bedroom apartment that four guys already lived in. That he wasn't officially on the lease, but paid one of the guys seventy-five dollars a week to crash on the floor of his bedroom on an aerobed. The guy had been threatening to kick him out for the past few weeks, telling Harrison it wasn't worth the cash to share a room, but Harrison now felt his living situation would come to an end sooner rather than later. The building manager had started taking an interest in the five guys coming and going from the apartment when only three were on the lease. Harrison figured he would get kicked out soon.

Jeremy had felt panicked for his friend as he had driven them to Stars Hollow. The idea of trying to focus on college when his housing situation was so unstable brought back familiar feelings for Jeremy. It brought him back to switching schools once or twice a year, to trying to study in the group homes when the noise level was insane between the television and the other residents, to spending the night huddled behind a dumpster in a Petco parking lot crying over his lost opportunity to finish high school after he had run away from the worst of the group homes. Jeremy had asked Harrison what he was going to do, and Harrison had tried to shrug it off. That he had known his time there would be short, that he never really liked those guys anyway, never trusted them and always carried most of what he owned in his backpack anyway. Harrison told Jeremy that this was the fourth place he had stayed since Mark had died, that something always came up when he needed a place, that it would again, that he knew a couple of people from work at Costco that he might be able to couch surf with for a few nights until he found his next place, but that he would be ok and everything would work out. He believed this because he had worked too hard to get to college for it not to.

Jeremy had nodded, hoping that Harrison was right. They had just registered for their spring courses and tuition would come due for those classes in a few weeks, and Jeremy knew that had to be stressing Harrison out further. Harrison had recently received an email from the bursar's office requesting he come in to discuss the financial aid he had applied for for the spring semester. He hadn't been able to make an appointment until the following week, but he had told Jeremy that he was worried it meant something had gone wrong with his application. Jeremy wanted to offer Harrison their couch if he needed somewhere to stay in an emergency, but he knew he should clear the invitation with Jess first. Jess still knew nothing about Harrison's situation, but Jeremy was sure he would be understanding once he learned about it.

"You're a cute little boy, aren't you?" Harrison was on his knees now, petting Winston and the dog was exciting tapping his nails against the floor as he made a new friend. "Jeremy didn't tell me he had such a cute little brother. No, he didn't!"

"Hey, I need to feed him real quick, but then do you mind if we take him for a walk before we get to work? We can just do a short one since it's supposed to rain soon anyway."

Harrison looked up at Jeremy and grinned, one hand still rubbing Winston's head, looking happier than Jeremy had seen him all day. "Sounds good to me. What do you think, Winston? Is it ok if I tag along on your walk?"

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Jess was soaked down to his underwear as he climbed the stairs to the apartment. It was pouring like crazy outside and he hadn't had the foresight to take his car to work. Parking was tougher near the bookstore than it was by the diner, so Jess had dumped his car back home after class and walked over to work like he always did. He was regretting it now. It was already November and much too cold to let himself get caught in the rain like this. He had cut through the diner on his way in to save the steps of running around to the rear of the building and Luke had smiled and told him he looked like a drowned rat. Then his uncle had asked him to come back down once he had changed, that Luke had something he wanted to talk to him about.

Jess was wondering what Luke wanted to talk about as he walked into the apartment and enthusiastically greeted Winston. When he finally looked up, he saw two boys staring at him from the table and remembered that this was the night that Jeremy was having Harrison over to work on a school project, some kind of class presentation on the Khmer Rouge occupation of Cambodia for their history class. "Hey Jeremy. Hey Harrison." Jess smiled.

"Hey dad." Jeremy said, taking in Jess's wet state. "It's really coming down out there, huh?"

"Yes, it is."

Jess walked over to the table and reached out a hand to cup Jeremy's neck intending to kiss the boy's head, but Jeremy subtly pulled away from his touch. "Your hand's cold."

Jess thought back to the night of the first author reading event at the bookstore, when he had kissed Jeremy's head in front of his friends from school. He could still remember the instant shame of realizing he had fucked up, until he had looked at Jeremy's face and seen the boy looking at him with love where he had expected to see embarrassment. It hurt to think that maybe that part of their relationship was over, that Jess would need to treat Jeremy like more of a man in front of his friends now, instead of as his child. Jess turned toward Harrison to include him in the conversation. "How's the project coming?"

The boy smiled at him. "Good." He paused. "A little depressing, I guess. This Pol Pot guy was such an asshole."

Jess huffed out a laugh. "He definitely was that. Did you guys eat?"

"Not yet." Jeremy said. "We were thinking of breaking for dinner soon and ordering pizza."

"Sounds like a good plan." Jess took his soggy wallet out of his back pocket and pulled out his debit card laying it on the table. "Use this if you order food. I want to treat you guys to dinner since I'm not cooking tonight."

"Thanks." Jeremy gave him a small smile.

"I'll stay out of your way." Jess told them. "I'm just going to change and head back out."

"Are you going to Mallory's?" Jeremy asked.

"No, I'm going to go have dinner downstairs. Luke wants to talk to me. He seemed kind of worried about something just now." Jess watched Jeremy's face pale, his expression shift to concern and his instinct to reassure his kid kicked in. "It's probably nothing bad, though. I'm sure everything's fine. You know Luke, worrying is his favorite." His son gave him a weak smile and Jess felt a little guilty for worrying the kid. "All right, I need to get out of these wet clothes."

Jess grabbed a towel from the bathroom, stripped in his bedroom, towel dried his hair as best he could, ran the towel over his body, got dressed in dry clothes and walked back into the apartment. "All right. Good luck with the project. I'll be downstairs if you guys need me. Help yourself to anything in the kitchen if you need a snack or anything, ok?" Both boys nodded and Jess heard Harrison say _thanks_. Harrison seemed like a nice kid and Jess was happy to see Jeremy making a friend that he was getting together with outside of school.

Jess walked toward the door and slipped his socked feet into a dry pair of shoes, pulling on a warm hoodie for the trip downstairs. "And, Harrison. The rain's supposed to get worse as the night goes on. Please feel free to sleep over if you want. We have an aerobed we can blow up for you, or you can take the couch. Either way. There's no need to be out on the roads in this if you don't have to."

"Ok. Thanks." Harrison said. Jess met Jeremy's eye and knew he had done the right thing by offering. His kid was giving him the look that always made Jess feel like a good dad, a good person, the look that told Jess that he had done something kinder or more considerate than Jeremy had been expecting, and that it was appreciated. Jess lived for that look.

"Just don't forget to let your parents know if you're staying. We worry, you know." Jess's smile was cut short at the looks he received, Harrison's puzzled and slightly surprised and Jeremy's bordering on annoyance and tinged with embarrassment. "All right, then. I'll see you guys later." He patted Winston on the head as he walked to the door. "Keep an eye on those two, buddy." Jess let himself out the door with a frown. He wasn't sure what he had said wrong, but he was smart enough to realize he should have quit while he was ahead.

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Jeremy watched Jess leave and turned his attention back to the powerpoint presentation in front of him. Harrison had moved closer to Jeremy so they could both look at the presentation on Jeremy's laptop. Jeremy could here the rain pounding against the windows and the side of the building in the silence. Jeremy pointed to the slide they were looking at. "I'm thinking maybe right here, we should go into more detail on the fall of Phnom Penh. Maybe talk about the experience of the citizens and throw in a few quotes from people who survived it. What do you think?"

"Sure." Harrison said. Jeremy could see the other boy looking at him out of the corner of his eye. He kept his own gaze resolutely focused on the screen in response. "So, Jess thinks I have parents." It was more of a statement than a question, but Jeremy knew he needed to say something.

He kept looking straight ahead since they were sitting too close for eye contact to be anything other than awkward. "Uh, I guess. I never told him anything about your past so I guess he just assumed. I mean, I've told him some stuff about you and that we meet for lunch and stuff. But, I didn't tell him anything personal, about you being in foster care, too, or anything. I haven't told anyone about that." Jeremy could feel his cheeks warming with embarrassment. He hoped he wasn't blushing and felt a momentary rush of jealousy for Harrison's dark complexion, wishing he had some way to hide his blushing as well. It wasn't that he thought he had done anything wrong. He had treated Harrison's personal information as respectfully as he had always wanted people to treat his. But, he wondered if by not telling Jess anything at all, he had made Harrison think he was judging his situation, or that Jess would have.

"Thanks, Jeremy. I appreciate that." Without looking up, Jeremy could hear the fond emotion in Harrison's voice and felt like he had done the right thing.

Jeremy nodded, then scooted back his chair a little to put some distance between them so that he could look at his friend. "If you're ok with him knowing, though. I mean, I would never have told him otherwise, but now that you think you're losing your place to live soon and you might need couches to stay on sometimes. I was thinking, if you're ok with Jess knowing, that maybe I should tell him so that he'd be open to letting you stay here some nights if you ever don't have anywhere else to go." Jeremy knew he should check with Jess before even floating this idea to Harrison, but he knew he would feel more comfortable asking Jess if he knew he had Harrison's permission to tell Jess about the reason for his friend's lack of housing. Plus, he had every confidence that Jess would want to help Harrison, too.

Harrison nodded seriously. "That's really nice of you to think of me like that, Jeremy." He looked away for a moment, down at Winston sleeping on the rug, back at Jeremy's laptop for a second. "I'm ok with Jess knowing. I mean, he knows you grew up in foster care. He doesn't seem like someone who's going to judge me for the same thing."

"He definitely won't judge you. He's really great."

"And, I'll only ask to crash here if I get really desperate. It's really important to me to be able to take care of myself. And, I like us being friends and I don't want to wreck that by mooching off you."

Jeremy shook his head. "I wouldn't think of it as mooching. I hope you know that. I used to have nightmares when I was still in about ending up with no place to live after I got out. I get how scary that is and I want to help you." Jeremy thought back to Philadelphia, the fire in the apartment, the cheap motel in a sketchy area. "Jess gets it, too. I know he'll want to help you, too."

"I'm going to start looking at craigslist and the bulletin boards on campus tomorrow to try to find another place, more people that are looking for a roommate." Harrison smiled. "Maybe even somewhere where I'm on a lease and I have room to get my own bed this time."

Jeremy smiled back, even though the idea of Harrison needing to buy his own bed, on top of paying for school, paying rent and buying his own food felt stressful to Jeremy. "Hey, should we order pizza now? I'm getting pretty hungry."

"Sounds good." Harrison turned back to Jeremy's laptop. "I'm just going to add in some placeholders for the changes we were talking about before Jess came in. I don't want us to forget." Jeremy stood up to grab his phone. He watched Harrison's fingers pause in the middle of typing something. "And, Jeremy?"

"Yeah?"

Jeremy watched the other boy remain focused on the screen in front of him. "You don't need to feel sorry for me, ok? Things will work out. I'll be all right." Jeremy wasn't sure what to say. "It's just, pity is the worst. I know you get what I'm saying."

Jeremy nodded. "Yeah. I get it."

Harrison nodded and spoke to the laptop as he resumed typing. "I knew you would."


	10. Chapter 10 - Luke Danes, Boy Detective

**Chapter 10 Notes:** Jeremy digs himself in a bit further. Thanks to all the reviews for the last chapter. I'm so glad to hear that you guys are enjoying reading this story because I'm really enjoying writing it! Thanks so much and happy reading. :) Between work and grad school, I have a pretty shitty week ahead of me, so the next update may take a little longer, but I will be working on it.

**Disclaimer: ** I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls

Jess was hit with appreciation for what he had as Luke set his dinner in front of him on the diner counter. The only thing he could think of more comforting than a grilled cheese sandwich and a steaming bowl of tomato soup after being wet and cold was having someone who loved him make it for him. And, he had that. Jess smiled at his uncle. "This looks great, Luke. Thank you." Jess picked up his spoon.

Luke didn't return the smile. "I think Jeremy's on drugs."

Jess barked out a laugh. He looked up and met his uncle's eye, with a small smirk on his face. "What the hell are you talking about?" Jess laughed again at his uncle's stern expression.

"I'm serious, Jess." Jess could tell that he was, but he still couldn't keep the smile off his face. "I really think Jeremy is on drugs."

"No, he's not." Jess's tone was a mix of amusement and incredulity. "That's crazy."

"I know it sounds crazy, but I'm pretty sure I saw him buying drugs last night."

Jess put a spoonful of soup in his mouth, enjoying the satisfying feeling as he swallowed and the soup warmed him from the inside, completely undisturbed by his uncle's news. "You saw Jeremy buying drugs? You actually saw him do this?"

"Yes." Luke answered.

"So, what you're telling me is that you think Jeremy is on drugs because you witnessed his purchase of drugs, the drug deal if you will, first hand? Said drug deal occurred in your direct line of vision? That's what you're telling me here?"

"Yes. That's what I'm telling you. I saw him with my own eyes." Jess could tell Luke was annoyed that he wasn't taking his announcement more seriously, but the idea of Jeremy doing drugs felt too absurd to consider.

"Huh. Don't you think he's smart enough that if he were actually going to buy drugs he wouldn't do it right in front of you? I mean, I know that kids can be dumb, but let's give Jeremy some credit here."

"He didn't do it right in front of me, Jess. He went outside to do it. He was being sneaky so I wouldn't see him!"

"Then how did you figure out what he was doing, Sherlock?"

"I don't know why you're not taking this seriously!" Luke scolded. "We were closing up. This kid comes to the door, knocking and waving, grinning through the glass like _he's_ on drugs-"

Jess gasped, feigning shock. "No! _He's_ on drugs, too? I did not see that plot twist coming."

"I'm serious here, nephew."

"Oh, I can see that."

"So, this kid is knocking on the door, and I get annoyed because the closed sign is up and I'm going to go tell this kid to get lost and to learn how to read a sign while he's at it-"

"Naturally." Jess nodded, his expression exaggeratedly serious.

"But, Jeremy stops me. He tells me that he knows this kid, that _he_ thinks this kid's here to see him, and is it ok with me if he goes outside to talk to him. I tell him, sure, fine, go. I feel like something's not right, but what am I going to say, that he can't go talk to his friend?"

"Of course not. That might seem _over-reactive_." Jess took a bite of his sandwich and chewed while Luke gave him a stern look.

"So, Jeremy goes out to talk to this kid. And, Jeremy's acting very shady. He looks uncomfortable and he keeps turning back to look at me to see if I'm watching them."

"Which I'm guessing you were?" Jess asked.

"Of course, I was. I mean, I'm behind the counter, cleaning up, pretending I'm not, but I'm keeping an eye on them."

"Do you think that you staring at Jeremy while he was with his friend could have been what was making him uncomfortable?" Jess asked innocently. Luke leveled another disapproving look at him and Jess laughed. "Sorry, just a question, go on."

"Anyway, they're talking, and this kid is giggling up a storm, let me tell you. He was definitely high! And, then he holds something up. Something that could be a plastic bag. I couldn't see what it was, but Jeremy gets even more uncomfortable, and get this, Jeremy pulls the kid's hand down so that I can't see what he's holding. Then Jeremy is digging around in his apron pocket, where he keeps his tips."

"And?"

"And, I'm thinking he was getting out cash from his tip money to pay this kid for drugs."

"Did you see him hand the other kid money? Or take what may or may not have been a plastic bag from this kid?"

"No. They did the transaction." Luke lowered his voice even though the diner was mostly empty due to the pouring rain and no one was sitting close enough to hear them. "The _drug deal_ between them so that Jeremy's back was blocking my view of what was going on."

"Huh." Jess took in another spoonful of soup.

"Huh?" Luke asked. "That's all you have to say? Huh?"

"Did you say anything to Jeremy when he came back in, ask him what the other kid wanted or anything?"

"Yes, I did! And, here's the kicker! He tells me that this other kid was just walking by the diner and saw Jeremy inside and remembered something he needed to tell him about a biology quiz. Does that sound believable to you?"

Jess thought about that. "It sounds too stupid to be a lie. I like to think my kid's smarter than that."

"Jeremy is smart. But, he's not as sneaky as you were. I don't think he's had as much experience lying and sneaking around so he hasn't mastered deceit and manipulation the way you had at his age."

Jess grinned. "Aw, stop with the flattery. You'll make me blush."

"I'm serious here." Luke pointed the tip of his index finger against the counter for emphasis. "I know that boy. And, even if I hadn't seen him outside with his friend, I still would have known he was lying to me about the biology quiz. I could tell. I could feel it."

Jess frowned. "I can admit that the line about the biology quiz feels a little…..suspicious."

"See?" Luke threw his hands up. "That's what I'm saying!"

"But, I don't think Jeremy's on drugs-"

Luke frowned. "Jess-"

"Just hear me out here. I think Jeremy may have been lying to you about why this kid came by, but that doesn't mean that drugs have to be the reason why. Maybe they were talking about something else, something private that he didn't want to get into with you so he made up the lie about the biology quiz. Does that sound possible?"

Luke sighed and waited a moment before conceding. "I guess so. I mean, anything's possible. But, that doesn't explain the plastic bag."

"If it even was a plastic bag. You said yourself that you weren't really sure. And, even if it was a plastic bag, isn't it possible that it had something other than drugs in it?"

"Like what, Jess?" Luke's annoyance was clear in his voice. "Oreo's?"

Jess shrugged, feeling a slight spike of annoyance at Luke for not trusting Jeremy more. He tamped down the feeling, reminding himself that Luke meant well. That his uncle worried because he loved Jeremy and…...because he was Luke. "Possibly. I have no idea. But, neither do you. The only thing I'm certain of is that Jeremy isn't doing drugs."

"How can you be so sure?" Luke asked.

"Because I know my kid. I live with him. I spend time with him. I would know if something like this was going on. All that kid does is go to school, go to work, and study. When he has free time, he hangs out with me, or with you, or with Doula and Liz. He-" Jess feigned exaggerated shock. "Oh my god, Luke! Do you think Liz is his supplier!" Jess shook his head slowly. "I should have suspected this sooner. She does always seem to be pushing her brownies on him when he goes over there."

"Jess." Luke's voice was a warning.

"Luke." Jess mimicked Luke's stern tone, then smiled. "I know Jeremy, Luke. He would never take drugs. We've talked about this before. He's tried drugs in the past and he didn't like how they made him feel. The kid doesn't even drink when he goes to parties."

Luke sighed. "Jess, no parent ever wants to believe that their kid is doing drugs, but there are lots of kids out there doing drugs. You telling me they're all orphans?"

"Nope. I'm telling you that other parents are clearly wrong about their kids, but I'm right about mine." Jess grinned. "Obviously."

"Jess, I'm telling you. I got a really bad feeling. From that kid who came to the door, Marty Jeremy said his name was. From how Jeremy was acting around him, all nervous and weird. From my nephew lying to my face like that. I don't like it. I feel like something's going on. If it's not drugs, then it's something else not good." Jess watched Luke pause to think. "But, my instincts tell me it's drugs."

Jess smiled. "Luke, your instincts tell you that every teenager is on drugs. You thought _I_ was on drugs when I lived with you."

"Well, your behavior definitely fit the signs they tell you to look for. You were moody and secretive and I caught you lying to me on multiple occasions. You skipped school. You didn't care about anything. What was I supposed to think?"

"Um, maybe that I was an unhappy teenager. And, April's senior year of high school, you thought she was on drugs."

"That was different! She got a B! She'd never gotten a B in anything before in her life!"

"The poor kid got distracted for five minutes by her first boyfriend and let one grade slip! One B does not indicate drug use."

"And, she was off in New Mexico, on the other side of the country. I didn't know her friends. I'd never met her boyfriend. I had no way of really knowing if she had fallen in with a bad crowd or something."

"If I remember correctly, she was so upset about the B that she started crying when you asked her about it on the phone."

"Yeah….." Luke frowned. "I think that's when I realized she wasn't on drugs."

"I'm just saying. You have a long history of accusing innocent teenagers of drug use."

Luke sighed. "I see your point, Jess. But, I really do have a bad feeling about this. I want you to take what I'm telling you seriously."

Jess nodded. "I am. I'll talk to him."

"I think you need to do more than just talk to him, nephew."

Jess raised one eyebrow. "Yeah? You want me to smack him around a little? Beat the truth out of him?"

Luke sighed and Jess started to feel guilty for how much he was frustrating his well-meaning uncle. It's not that he didn't appreciate Luke's concern. He did. He loved how easily and fully Luke had accepted Jeremy as his family and how much his uncle cared about the boy and looked out for him. But, in this case, the guy was so off base that it was laughable.

"Don't be a wiseass. I meant you should search through his room."

"No way!" Jess shook his head. "I _hated_ it, absolutely _hated_ it, when you did that to me! I felt so violated, like you didn't trust me at all."

"I didn't trust you! You were lying to me on a daily basis about going to school. Sneaking around behind my back to work at Walmart. Of course I didn't trust you! I'd have to have been crazy to trust you!"

"Well, I'm not searching through Jeremy's stuff. Not without a much better reason than his uncle possibly seeing him take something that could have been a plastic bag from a friend. I've never caught him in a lie other than that time he ran off to New York. I've never seen him high, or even moody or irritable. He's the model teenager, and I trust him. This is like someone accusing Rory of being on drugs."

Jess watched the corners of Luke's mouth curve down involuntarily. "Hey, that's as good a theory as any for why she keeps going back and forth to London so that little asshole can see his daughter on his schedule, like he's too important to bother flying over here to see his own damn kid."

Jess laughed. "I meant teenage Rory! This is tantamount to someone accusing teenage Rory of being on drugs."

Luke smiled. "Oh, I see your point now." Jess heard the bell above the door ring and looked over to see a couple walking in, shaking their umbrella outside a couple of times before shutting the door. "He took his apron with him last night. Wore it right upstairs after his shift."

"Um, I'm sure he's planning on returning it. He probably just forgot."

Luke shook his head as he picked up two menus to greet his new customers who had taken a seat at a table. "He started to take it off, then stopped like he caught himself. He left it on and took it upstairs with him. Maybe you don't need to search his room, maybe you just need to search his apron pocket."

"Don't you think he would have moved." Jess lowered his voice to a dramatic stage whisper for the next two words. "_The drugs_ to a new hiding spot by now?"

Luke sighed. "You're probably right. Then, I don't know. I gave you the answer. Search his room. If you don't want to do that, I can't figure out everything for you."

"Maybe I should bring the apron to the police so they can help with the investigation. Does Stars Hollow have a CSI team? Maybe they can test the apron pocket for trace amounts of drugs."

"Stop." Luke serious expression gave way to concern and he knocked the edge of the menu against the table. "And, when you talk to him, don't make it sound like I'm accusing him of anything. Got it? I don't want him to think I don't trust him."

Jess scoffed. "Now, where would I get a crazy idea like that?"

Luke leveled one last stern look at Jess and walked out from behind the counter to greet his customers.

Jess went back to his dinner thinking over what Luke had told him. He was confident that his son wasn't on drugs. They lived in the same house and spent enough time around each other that Jess was certain he would have picked up on it if Jeremy were on something. After his experience growing up with his mother, he felt that he had sharply honed instincts for recognizing signs of substance abuse in other people. He was sure Luke was wrong, that it was just his uncle's overprotective instincts kicking in, the same as it had been when Luke had accused him of the same thing. He knew his son, and Jeremy wasn't the kind of kid who would use drugs. Jess was sure of it.

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Jess used a fork to break up the egg yolks and stir the eggs in the bowl. He dipped a thick slice of bread into the egg, making sure it was thoroughly coated before setting it in the sizzling frying pan and and repeating the process with the next piece. He had sliced some strawberries and set them out on the table along with a bowl of blueberries, the bottle of maple syrup, and some slivered almonds. He knew he was probably going overboard, but Jeremy had never had a friend over before and Jess was feeling pressure to embody the outward appearance of a good parent. It wasn't so much that he thought Harrison would judge him. It had more to do with Jess wanting to measure up to the picture in his head, of Jeremy going over to Harrison's house the next time they had a project to work on, of Jeremy sitting down to a meal with Harrison's family, telling Harrison's mother how good everything was. If Jeremy was going to start being around his friend's parents, Jess wanted to make sure he was bringing his A game so his parenting wouldn't look bad in comparison.

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Jeremy knew he had to leave his room eventually, but he wasn't looking forward to facing Jess. He felt sick to his stomach when he thought about how he had lied to Luke two nights ago. He hadn't been sure how much Luke had seen, but he knew his uncle hadn't bought his story about his late night conversation with Marty being about a biology quiz. And, Luke wanting to talk to Jess last night couldn't be a good thing. Jess had stayed in the diner until late last night, helping Luke close. He hadn't looked pissed when he'd come upstairs, but Jeremy figured he might not have wanted to make scene in front of Harrison, which Jeremy was grateful for. Jess had taken Winston for his nighttime bathroom break and then retired to his room with a book. He had seemed normal enough, pleasant even as he said goodnight, but Jeremy knew he wouldn't be able to relax completely until he was around Jess just the two of them and could figure out what Luke had told him.

Jeremy had got up and taken Winston outside to relieve himself. He had showered first, letting his guest sleep in. Jess hadn't been up when Jeremy had made his way from the bathroom back to his room to wake up Harrison, but Jeremy could hear Jess now, moving around in the kitchen, the clink of metal on metal, the sizzle of something in a pan. Jeremy was showered and fully dressed. He had no excuse to not leave his room. He couldn't hide from Jess forever. He knew he should at least ask Jess if he needed any help with breakfast as they waited for Harrison to finish showering. Jeremy reasoned that he was likely safe while Harrison was still in the apartment. That Jess probably wouldn't want to get into anything when Harrison could come out of the bathroom at any minute.

Jeremy sighed and headed out of his room. He found Jess in the kitchen, Winston sitting at the man's feet, watching carefully, on the lookout for a fallen morsel, as Jess used a spatula to lift a golden brown piece of bread out of the frying pan. Jeremy took in the smell along with the berries and maple syrup on the table set for three. "You made French toast."

Jess turned and gave him a warm, bright smile. "Good morning! Yes, I did."

Jeremy smiled back, feeling a swell of relief as his stomach unclenched. Jess didn't seem like he was worried or angry, like someone who had received bad news about his kid the previous night. "You never make French toast on weekdays."

Jess grinned as he finished plating the toast and switched off the gas burner. He looked back at Jeremy. "That's true. But, we don't usually have a guest on weekdays. I didn't want to just shove a bowl of cold cereal at your friend."

Jeremy smiled as he watched Jess carry the heaping plate to the dining area and set it down in the middle of the table. "Thanks. This was really nice of you."

Jess was still grinning. "What can I say? I'm a really nice guy."

Jeremy was pretty positive that Luke hadn't suspected anything when he'd seen him with Marty, or that he at least hadn't shared his suspicions with Jess if he had. He felt like a weight had been lifted, that everything was going to be ok. He grinned back at Jess. "You have your moments. I'll give you that much."

Jess cupped the back of Jeremy's head and tipped it down to land a kiss on top of. "I'm allowed to do that, right? Since, your friend's still in the shower?"

"You're always allowed to do that." Jess was still smiling, but Jeremy realized that Jess had misconstrued the situation the night before, when Jeremy had pulled away from his touch. He hadn't been embarrassed by Jess's affection in front of Harrison. He just hadn't wanted to make his friend feel bad about not having the same thing in his own life. "Hey, Jess. There's something I kind of want to talk to you about."

Jess smiled at him. "I was just about to say the same thing!"

"Oh, yeah?" Jeremy was caught off guard. "Why? What's up?" Jeremy heard the shower being turned off and knew Harrison would be joining them soon. Jess's eye darted toward the bathroom and Jeremy knew he had heard it, too.

"Nothing big. Just something I want to ask you about. But, maybe we can talk later, when we have more time. Are you going to be around tonight? I was thinking that since you don't have to work, maybe we could have dinner together and hang out, just me and you. I feel like I haven't seen very much of you this week."

Jeremy felt his heart rate pick up slightly with the bad feeling that maybe he wasn't out of the woods yet. But, surely parents didn't look this relaxed and happy when they were gearing up to accuse their kids of drug use. Not that Jeremy was an expert on parents, but he liked to think he was becoming an expert on Jess, and he was getting no hostility or negative vibes of any kind off him. "Uh, yeah, ok. I mean, I have some reading to get through for biology, but yeah, I can hang out for a while."

"Aw." Jess said as he walked back to the table with the carton of orange juice. "Thanks for fitting me in, kid.

Jeremy tried to keep his tone light and playful. "No problem. It's the least I can do for the guy who's making me French toast on a Friday morning."

Jess hit Jeremy with a warm, infectious smile. "That's right. And, don't you forget it, pal."

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Jeremy laughed as he cut through an avocado to add to the salad, while Jess toasted some walnuts in a dry pan on the stove a few feet away. "That's ridiculous!" Jeremy scoffed. "Just completely ridiculous."

"You're not wrong." Jess agreed, smiling as he gave the pan a light shake to keep the nuts from burning. "But, he's Kirk. So, there's not much that can be done. And, Andrew's a good guy and he gets that Kirk is…..special but basically harmless. So, yeah, I guess from now on, ten o'clock on Friday is the official Kirk Gleason story hour for babies."

Jeremy shook his head as he gently squeezed one side of the avocado to dislodge the pit. "I can't picture that at all. The guy's speaking voice is so monotone. I can't picture him keeping babies interested in a story."

"I think his monotone helped put a particularly colicky baby to sleep today. Its mom seemed happy. According to her, the kid had been crying for three weeks straight."

Jeremy laughed. "That's so ridiculous."

Jess shrugged as he pulled the pan from the heat and tipped it over the bowl, dropping the toasted walnut pieces into the salad. "What can I say? Stars Hollow is a ridiculous place."

Jeremy loved nights like this, when he had Jess all to himself, and they made dinner together and told each other about their days. On nights like this one, Jeremy felt a level of safety and comfort that he had spent most of his life believing was beyond his reach.

"So, Jeremy. I have something that I want to ask you." Jeremy looked up from his chopping to find Jess watching him carefully, a serious expression on his face now. "And, I want you to be honest. There's no wrong answer here. I need you to know that. Ok?"

Jeremy felt a slight dropping sensation in his gut. Anything with a lead in this big couldn't be good. "Uh, ok. What is it?"

"You know that Mallory's coming over tomorrow night, right?"

"Yeah." Jeremy spoke slowly, hesitantly drawing out the word. Jess has asked him earlier in the week to not make plans for Saturday night so he could have dinner with Jess and Mallory. Of course he knew she was coming. "I remember you telling me."

"Well, what would you think about Mallory spending the night tomorrow? I get that it's kind of a big deal so I wanted to make sure you were ok with it before I said anything to her. She doesn't know I'm thinking about this for tomorrow, so there's no pressure, ok? If you aren't comfortable with her staying over it doesn't need to happen? We can just keep things as they are."

Jeremy felt himself relax a little. He had been expecting something worse. Jess spent the majority of his time with Mallory out of the apartment. He usually saw her two or three times a week and spent the night at her place one or two of those times. On the handful of nights that she came over to the apartment, Jess usually asked Jeremy to hang out with them, and they had eaten dinner together, played a couple games of Scrabble, watched a movie and taken Winston on a walk together. On Jeremy's favorite evening with Mallory, they had picked up Doula and the four of them had gone to Taylor's for ice cream. Jeremy was proud of how far his sign language had come since he had started his ASL class and he had liked having Mallory see him with Doula. He thought Mallory was a good person and it felt important to him for her to think he was, as well. They had started teaching Mallory some signs that night, too, and Jeremy had had a good time. But, Mallory hadn't spent the night yet. After the game or movie or dinner, Mallory would say goodnight to Jeremy and Jess would walk her out to her car.

Jeremy took a minute to gauge his feelings before responding. He honestly didn't think he minded the idea of Mallory spending the night. He knew it would mean an unspoken elevation to almost family status and he felt more ok with that than he would have expected. "I'm fine with Mallory staying over."

Jess was giving him an earnest look, studying his face to make sure he was telling the truth. "Yeah? You're sure? You don't feel like it's an invasion of your space or anything?"

Jeremy laughed. "No. I don't feel like my space is being invaded. It's not like she's going to be sleeping in my room."

Jess raised an eyebrow. "I seriously hope not."

Jeremy giggled, part amusement and part relief. "I'm fine with it, Jess. Honestly." Jeremy smiled at Jess. "Thanks for checking with me, but I'm ok with it." Jeremy shrugged. "I kind of like it when Mallory's here. It's…...nice"

"Yeah?"

Jeremy nodded.

"I like it when she's here, too." Jess said.

"I know you do. And, I want you to be happy. Even if I didn't like her, I wouldn't stand in the way of you having her stay over."

"You see?" Jess said. "It's that kind of shit right there that makes you lose all credibility."

Jeremy laughed. "I said _if_ I didn't like her. But, I do like her! Isn't the fact that I'd want you to be happy anyway a good thing?"

"Nope. I never want you to lie to me to make me happy. It's my job to worry about making you happy not the other way around."

"Sure, that sounds completely fair and reasonable!" Jeremy's tone indicated that he thought it sounded anything but. "I do like Mallory, though. And, I'm fine with her staying over, or just being here more in general. As much as you want her here. I mean, I get that it's probably more fun for you guys to be at her place, too, because you have privacy there and everything, but I don't ever want you to not have her over or not ask her to spend the night because you think I'll be uncomfortable. Ok?"

Jess nodded slowly. "Ok. Thank you, Jeremy. And, just so you know, it's not more fun at her place. I really like it when the three of us are together and I get to be with my two favorite people at the same time."

Jeremy smiled, feeling a wave of calm wash over him at the knowledge that this was all Jess had wanted to talk about. "And, it was kind of fun having a guest for breakfast this morning. Are you going to cook all kinds of show-off meals when Mallory stays over, too?"

Jess smiled back. "Oh, you can count on it, my friend."

It had been nice having Harrison here this morning, but the best part for Jeremy had been having him there the night before. As stressed as Jeremy felt over his friend's situation, he hadn't needed any help sleeping last night, hadn't even thought about it. He had felt safe and not alone, with Harrison sleeping on the aerobed in his room and Jess asleep in his own room. Jeremy thought that having Mallory spend some nights at their place would mean less nights of Jess sleeping out and Jeremy alone in the apartment, tossing and turning, tangled in bedsheets and anxiety. Maybe he would be able to wean himself off the pot he used to help get him to sleep most nights. This could be good.

"Hey, Jess?"

"Hey, Jeremy." Jeremy watched Jess smile to himself as he stuck two forks into the salad bowl, tossing the contents and mixing in the vinaigrette he had just poured on top. Jeremy picked up his cutting board, and used the dull edge of his night to push the avocado chunks off the board and into the salad.

"I want to talk to you about something, too. It's about Harrison. But, can you promise that what I tell you will stay between us?"

Jeremy watched Jess's expression turn serious. "Yeah, of course, Jeremy." Jess picked up the salad bowl. "Let's go sit at the table and you can tell me all about it."

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They were sitting on the couch, Jess's arm wrapped around Jeremy, the boy's head resting on his shoulder. Jeremy's feet were curled up on the couch under him, and Jess heard the occasional quiet sniffle coming from his son. Jeremy had become a little emotional as he told Jess about Harrison's situation, not the kind of violent sobbing that had felt so frequent when he had first come to live with Jess, just a few quiet tears. Jess's heart went out to Jeremy's friend, having no support system and no place to live at his age sucked. Jess knew that first hand, could still remember the time he had spent traveling to Los Angeles and back and then living in a cramped one bedroom apartment in New York with four guys he barely knew and didn't particularly like or trust, not in contact with Luke and having no other meaningful connections to fill that void, feeling very much like a loose pebble rattling around the world on his own, getting kicked this way and that. Jess knew that Jeremy was an empathetic kid, but he also knew that a considerable part of the boy's current distress came from thinking about how close he had come to ending up in Harrison's situation himself.

Jess didn't want another kid. Or a roommate. Or whatever Harrison would be. He was content with his domestic situation the way it was. He wanted Mallory to start spending more time at his place and he didn't want another person in the apartment getting in the way of him and Mallory and Jeremy bonding into their own little family of three. But, he also knew he needed to help Harrison when the kid really had nowhere else to go. Because it was the right thing to do, sure, because Luke had done the same for him way back when and was doing it again now, but mostly because it's what he would have wanted someone to do for Jeremy if their paths hadn't crossed and Jeremy hadn't become his son and was out in the world struggling on his own somewhere.

He had listened to Jeremy recount Harrison's story over dinner, asking a few questions for clarification here and there. He had seen from the beginning of the story how much Harrison's circumstance were affecting his son and his heart ached for his child. Jess was starting to get it, though, to realize that even with a parent and considerable extended family, a part of Jeremy would always see himself as just a few short steps and one wrong turn away from ending up alone and unwanted, again, and possibly homeless.

"Maybe we can help Harrison find a room to rent. Someone in town must have a spare room they'd be willing to rent out to a college student."

Jess felt Jeremy silently nod his head against his shoulder. Jeremy had started tearing up over dinner after he told Jess about Harrison, when he was explaining how ending up in Harrison's situation had been his own worst nightmare during most of his teens. Jess had stood up then and moved around the table, closing the gap between them, guiding Jeremy to the couch, where they could sit like this, Jess holding his hurting child against his side, running a hand through his hair. Jeremy hadn't spoken in the ten or fifteen minutes since, had just let himself be held, resting his head on Jess's shoulder, seemingly content to listen to what Jess hoped were encouraging sentiments and comforting words.

"Maybe I could put up a room wanted ad on the bulletin board in the bookstore. Maybe we could get Luke to put up a bulletin board in the diner so we could tack one up there, too." Jess moved his hand on Jeremy's head, lightly running his nails over his scalp, wondering what the boy was thinking.

"And, on nights when he absolutely can't find a place to stay with a friend, he can sleep here. Ok?" Jess felt a twinge of guilt at his use of the word 'absolutely,' stressing that Harrison staying with them should only be considered as a last resort, wondering how differently his own life would have turned out if Luke had put the same caveat on his offer of shelter when Jess had been Harrison's age. "You don't have to ask me first. If he can't find a roof to put over his head for the night, you can always bring him home with you." The offer seemed like too much as soon as he'd made it and Jess felt like an asshole for the thought. "Ok?"

Another silent nod from Jeremy. Jess wasn't sure how to compromise here. He didn't want another person living with them, but he didn't want to let Jeremy down either. He mostly wanted his kid to feel safe, but he was realizing that that wasn't something he could control, and that it might not even be possible.

"You know, I'm thinking maybe we should talk to Mallory about this tomorrow night. What do you think about that?" Jess asked, carding his fingers through Jeremy's hair. "She knows about this kind of stuff. There might be some kind of housing program or something for kids in Harrison's situation. She might be able to point him toward some resources that could help him out." Jess thought a minute and realized that Jeremy might actually want to spend part of his weekend with his friends. "You are still hanging out with me and Mallory tomorrow night, right? I didn't use up all my time with you for this weekend tonight, did I?"

He could feel Jeremy move slightly against his shoulder and knew the boy had heard the question, even though it got no answer. "Hey, you awake over there or what?"

Jeremy peeled himself off Jess and sat up, sitting sideways on the couch to face him. "I'm awake." He shook his head, his expression solemn. "You didn't use up all your time with me tonight. Tonight is me and you time. Tomorrow night is me, you and Mallory time. Those are completely different, like apples and oranges different. Both good, but one can't replace the other."

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It wasn't until they were outside with Winston for his before bed walk that Jeremy realized he still didn't know what Luke had wanted to talk to Jess about the night before. Now that his own anxiety had died down, he was curious as to what was going on with his uncle and his dad.

"Hey, Jess?" Jeremy held Winston's leash in one hand, watching the dog sniff the grass in the town square. They didn't normally both accompany Winston on his last walk of the night. Only sometimes, on nights like this.

"Hey, Jeremy." Jeremy looked over to Jess, watching the man smile in the soft glow from one of the streetlights.

"So, what did Uncle Luke want to talk to you about last night?"

Jess gave him a puzzled look.

"You know, when you ate dinner down in the diner because Uncle Luke wanted to talk to you about something?"

Jeremy watched recognition hit Jess and the man grinned almost sheepishly. Maybe it was something private. "Oh, uh, I was just wondering." Jeremy rushed to add. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. It's probably none of my business…."

"It's not that." Jess still looked a little embarrassed, but now amused as well. "It was actually about you. I might as well tell you what we talked about." Jess huffed out a laugh. "I actually promised Luke I'd talk to you about it, so we might as well get it over with before he checks back in with me to see how it went."

"Uh, what is it?" Jeremy felt a spike of adrenaline, even though he didn't think Jess could possibly be about to bring up what he thought he might bring up. But, he couldn't think of anything else that would worry his uncle enough for the man to make Jess promise to talk to him.

"You know Luke loves you, right?"

Jeremy nodded. "Yeah. I love him, too."

"I know you do. Luke's a really good guy. And, he means well, always. So, please don't get mad at him over this, ok? He would hate it if this damaged your relationship with him, and so would I."

"Uh, ok." Jeremy could feel his heart beating quickly in his chest. He wasn't sure where to look so he focused on Winston.

"Luke was worried that you might be…...using drugs."

"What?" Jeremy's voice sounded off in his head, higher and more shrill than usual, and he hoped Jess hadn't noticed.

"I know. It's crazy. I told him that. I told him how off base he was. That it was ridiculous to think you'd do something that stupid. That you weren't that kind of kid. That you spend most of your time working and studying, and you don't even drink when you go to parties."

Jeremy didn't trust himself to speak or make eye contact. He kept his gaze firmly trained on Winston. He could feel his cheeks warming with shame and he hoped it was too dark for Jess to notice.

He felt a hand gently cupping the back of his neck, warm on the bare skin above the collar of his jacket. He realized Jess had taken his silence as a sign of offense when the man spoke again. "Jeremy, please understand, Luke just worries about the people he loves and he loves you so much. And, he's just…..older…...and kind of out of touch about some things. He pretty much always suspects teenagers of being on drugs." Jess huffed out a soft laugh. "He accused me of being on drugs a few times when I lived with him, too. Because I was moody and didn't care about school. One time he accused me of _selling_ drugs because I was working at Walmart without him knowing and he couldn't account for where I'd gotten enough money to buy a car. He even suspected _April_ of being on drugs when she was in high school and all she did was get a B in one class. So you're in good company. He means well. He just worries." The hand on his neck gave him a gentle shake. "Please don't take it personally. He just cares about you and worrying about you is his way of showing it."

Jeremy nodded, not sure how to respond, still keeping his eyes away from Jess, watching Winston lift a leg to relieve himself at the base of a tree. "It's ok."

Jeremy felt the hand leave his neck and land on his bicep, his body being gently turned, until he was facing Jess, the man's hands lightly gripping his shoulders through his jacket, an affectionate smile and warm eyes directed his way as if they were sharing in a private joke. "Let's put this to rest right now. I promised Luke I would talk to you about this, so here goes. Jeremy, are you on drugs?"

Jeremy looked into Jess's eyes, took in the love and the trust there, so much more of either than he had ever had before or really believed he ever would. He found himself answering without thinking, automatically going with the response that would keep that love and trust intact. "No. Of course, not."

Jess wrapped Jeremy in a one armed hug, pulling him to his side, his arm draped around his shoulders. "I want it on the record that, unlike your uncle, your dad never doubted you."

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It wasn't until a little later, when Jess had set down his book and switched off the lamp on his nightstand that it struck him how odd it was that Jeremy had never asked why Luke thought he was using drugs, had just accepted the accusation without question. Close on the heels of that thought, Jess remembered Mallory's warning about Marty and his brother. He laid awake in the dark, suddenly feeling less certain about everything.


	11. Chapter 11 - Tangled Webs

**Chapter 11 Notes:** Jeremy digs a deeper hole for himself. Thank you to everyone who is still reading this story, and thanks for everyone who took the time to leave me their thoughts on the last chapter. I love hearing from you guys!

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls

The next morning felt like the longest shift of Jeremy's short career. Setting up to open had been especially awkward, before Cesar arrived, when it had just been Jeremy and Luke in the diner, Jeremy doing his best to avoid his uncle, keeping his eyes down and trying to come up with any excuse he could think of to be on the opposite side of the diner from Luke, in the dining room when Luke was in the kitchen, in the storage room when Luke was in the dining room. He just wasn't sure how to act. He responded civilly when spoken to, even tried to force a small smile onto his face, but he knew his behavior was off and he worried about making Luke even more suspicious by acting oddly. He couldn't help it. He barely felt capable of eye contact. His stomach churned with guilt whenever he thought about his uncle worrying about him and caring enough to report his unusual activity with Marty to Jess and not having his concerns taken seriously. Or how he had lied to Jess the night before. He didn't want to set himself up for a conversation in which he would need to lie to Luke about whether he was using drugs, too. He already felt like shit for lying to his uncle the night Marty had come by the diner. For some reason the idea of lying to Luke again felt even worse to Jeremy than having lied to Jess, which brought on another wave of guilt for being an ungrateful, disloyal son.

After his conversation with Jess the night before, after he had lied right to Jess's face, Jeremy had mentally sworn off any drug that wasn't prescribed to him by a doctor for the rest of his life. He had kept to his new plan until around two o'clock in the morning, when he was still lying in bed, wide awake, his mind cycling through the events and conversations of the last couple of days, from lying to Luke about the biology quiz, to Jeremy picturing himself in Harrison's shoes, homeless if it hadn't been for Jess, to Jess and Mallory moving in together and cementing themselves into their own little family of two. And of course, the big one, lying to Jess about using pot.

His anxiety had kicked in for real as he thought about what he had done. Especially about Jess and Luke discovering his lie, and the irrational panic of ending up alone and unwanted again because of it. He knew that Jess was a fairly laid back parent, but he was also aware that substance abuse of any kind, even just marijuana, would be a bigger deal to Jess than it would be to lots of other parents because of the way Jess had grown up. He could still remember Jess returning home tipsy to the apartment in Philadelphia the night he had lost his job at Truncheon, and how he had apologized the next day, giving Jeremy a then undeserved lecture on not using alcohol or drugs as a coping mechanism. Jeremy suspected his own dependence on pot to get to sleep would be especially triggering to Jess in and of itself, even without Jeremy having lied to Jess's face about it. But, that lie, he knew, had pushed things over the edge. The idea of Jess finding out he lied had kept him awake and freaked out for hours, his anxiety compounded by the knowledge that he had to work the early shift the next day with his uncle who had suspected his drug use in the first place, until he had finally gotten out of bed and retrieved his new vape pen from his desk drawer and taken a few hits to calm himself down and help him get some sleep.

He thought about his stash now. He had never touched the diazepam tablets. He had googled them and learned they were a generic form of valium and that they could be addictive. He hadn't thought it wise to try them when so far the vape pen was sufficiently meeting his needs. He still had the pot Marty had sold him that night outside the diner, too. He had rolled everything in the baggie into a sloppy joint that night in his room when Jess had been at Mallory's. It had come out like a pale, overstuffed burrito. He had considered trying to find a youtube tutorial on how to correctly roll a joint, but he had been nervous that even if he cleared his browser history afterward, Jess might somehow stumble across evidence of his search. He wasn't sure how, but in the middle of the night everything bad seemed possible.

He had opened his window as Marty instructed, but as soon as he had lit the end of the joint and the smell hit him, he had started to freak out. Even holding the joint at the window in the cold, the stench felt overpowering as it permeated his bedroom. He had wondered if it was his own paranoia until Winston had gotten out of bed to come see what Jeremy was up to, the dog sitting by the window looking up at Jeremy waiting for droppings the same way he did when someone was cooking. Jeremy had taken three quick hits, coughing a little, before gently stubbing the joint out against the edge of the windowsill, waiting until the smoke dissipated and sealing the joint back up in the plastic bag, sticking it in back in the desk drawer with the tiny bag of pills. He had returned to bed with the window cracked slightly, buried beneath a pile of blankets against the late fall chill, just to be safe. Jeremy had felt his heart beating fast at the thought of the smell irrationally lingering, clinging to his clothes, his hair, Winston's fur, both their bedding, every porous material in his room, lying in wait to tip off Jess's unsuspecting olfactory sense the next time the man entered the room. The feeling of calm he normally got from the pot had been significantly hindered by his concerns and Jeremy had decided not to smoke again until he got a new pen, which Marty had been able to supply him with at school on Friday after Jeremy stopped by the ATM and they took a quick ride during their lunch break to meet with Marty's brother behind the grocery store where he worked.

Jeremy knew he needed to get rid of the pills and the joint. He had moved them from his dresser drawer when the thought had occurred to him that even though he did the majority of laundry in the apartment, Jess did some on occasion, and when he did, he always put Jeremy's clean clothes away for him. Everything now resided in an old plastic pink pencil case with a faded picture of a unicorn on the top that he had assumed was a leftover from April's childhood when he found it in the back of the desk drawer. He should take it all with him someday and throw it out in a random public trash can somewhere, maybe near school. Then he would wean himself off the vape pen. He knew he needed to, that this wasn't a long term solution to his anxiety. Plus, it was getting expensive. He thought back to the first time that Mallory had come over for dinner, when she had talked about suffering from anxiety in college and how seeing a therapist had provided her with tools to help her cope. He wondered if she would be willing to talk to him about that sometime, just the two of them. There had to be something out there that would work for him, too. He knew the vape pen was just a stop gap measure. He didn't like feeling reliant on it, but he told himself that things were just _hard_ right now. His anxiety and depression had always ebbed and flowed on its own schedule, for as long as he could remember. He knew this. And for the last year or so with Jess, he had mostly felt good, for the longest period in his recent memory. Jeremy knew he should appreciate that. This was just a particularly rough time he was going through, but it wouldn't stay like this forever.

In the meantime, he was avoiding his uncle, which not only made him feel even shittier about everything, but wasn't an easy task when they spent so many hours working in close proximity to each other. It wasn't a sustainable way to deal with things, Jeremy knew, but he wasn't sure what else to do. He didn't want to lie to Luke, but he had the feeling that Luke wasn't going to let this situation go as easily as Jess had.

Jeremy had been grateful for the reprieve when Cesar had sent him into the store room in search of a box of gluten-free pancake mix, until he heard footsteps behind him and realized his uncle had followed him in. Jeremy kept his eyes focused on the wire shelves in front of him as he scanned the racks for the pancake mix.

"Jeremy." Luke sounded tired, and a little sad, and it made Jeremy feel even worse.

Jeremy turned around to face his uncle, knowing it would likely lead to a serious conversation that he didn't want to have, but not being the kind of kid who could just ignore the guy after everything Luke had done for him.

He tried to keep his face neutral and his voice level. "Yeah, Uncle Luke?"

"I think we should talk."

"Oh, uh." Jeremy's eyes darted back to the shelves of boxes and canisters. "Cesar's waiting for the gluten-free pancake mix. I should probably find it and get it out to him."

Luke nodded. "This will only take a minute. Jess called me this morning."

"Oh, yeah?" Jeremy tried to sound unworried.

"Yeah. He called early. He was still in bed, but he wanted to fill me in on his conversation with you so that I didn't, how did he put it, _hassle the shit out of you_, this morning."

Jeremy smiled slightly at that, amused at hearing Luke mimic Jess's phrasing. "Oh, yeah?" Maybe this wouldn't be so bad.

"Yeah. So, I know that Jess talked to you about what I talked to him about. That I was worried that you were buying drugs from that Marty kid who came by the other night. He says that you told him I was wrong about that." Jeremy felt heat rising to his face. He didn't like the guarded way Luke was looking at him, as if his uncle knew he had to take Jeremy's word, but didn't actually believe it. Jeremy wasn't sure if he was supposed to respond. "If I wrongly accused you, I'm sorry." The word _if_ felt jarring to Jeremy and he couldn't tell if Luke had really emphasized the word or if his brain had put its own spin on the sentence out of guilt. "I love you very much, nephew. I care about what happens to you. And I worry about you. Watching you with your friend…..something felt weird to me. I got a bad feeling. He looked like he was high to me, and I guess that got me worrying about all kinds of things. But maybe I jumped to the wrong conclusion about what you were doing." Luke paused. "Did I?" Jeremy froze, dreading having to respond to such a direct question. "Jump to the wrong conclusion?" Luke's expression was serious as he waited for an answer. "I know you already told your dad all this, but I'll feel better once I hear it from you myself. You weren't buying drugs from that kid, right?"

Jeremy's anxiety spiked. He could feel himself breaking a sweat. "Uh, no." Jeremy tried to sound as if it were obvious, as though there could be no other answer. He felt a dropping sensation in his stomach as the guilt hit him. Then, without consent from his brain, he heard himself saying more. "But, honestly, Marty didn't stop by about the biology quiz either."

"Oh, no?" Luke's expression shifted to genuine curiosity.

"No, uh. There was something else...there's this girl I like, at school…...Jill." Jeremy supplied the detail to add authenticity to his story and Jill's was the first girl's name that came to him. And, he did like Jill and he left himself believe a lie wasn't as bad if there was truth buried in it. "But, I'm pretty shy around her. And, Marty had been going to her house after class that night, cause he's friends with her sister…..and he was going to, kind of…..talk to Jill and see what she thought about me, I guess, and if she would be interested….." Jeremy could feel himself blushing at the idea even though this was a fictional story, and he hoped his obvious embarrassment helped sell it. "And, he found out that she, uh, has a boyfriend and she's happy with him and everything, they've been together for a while. And, Marty saw me in the diner and wanted to fill me in on their conversation. It all felt kind of embarrassing, and I didn't want to talk about it when you asked me about Marty coming by, so I lied and said he wanted to talk about the biology quiz. It was stupid and I'm sorry. I'm really sorry I lied, Uncle Luke." It was the first authentic thing Jeremy had said and it felt good to apologize even if he was apologizing for the wrong thing. "And, I get why you thought I was acting weird, or shady, because I was, I guess. Just not for what you thought I was acting shady about."

Luke was smiling now, but the smile didn't quite reach his eyes and Jeremy could sense some hesitation there. "I get it. You don't have to tell me everything, Jeremy. But, next time, can you just tell me that something's private, or that you don't want to talk about it instead of lying to me? Being lied to by someone you love feels terrible."

"Yeah. Yeah, of course. I will. I'm sorry, Uncle Luke. I won't lie to you again. About anything. Ever. I'm really, really sorry."

"It's ok, Jeremy. Just know that I'm here if you ever want to talk, about anything. Anything at all. You do know that, right, nephew?"

Jeremy nodded, feeling relieved that Luke was at least letting this go, even if he wasn't positive that his uncle totally believed him. "Yeah. I do. And, thanks. I appreciate that."

"And." Luke's expression was serious again, and maybe a little uncertain. "I just want to make sure there are no hard feelings. You've been kind of quiet this morning….it feels like maybe you're even avoiding me. And, well, I hope I haven't hurt your feelings or ruined our relationship by talking to Jess like I did. I know it probably felt like I didn't trust you-"

"It's fine." Jeremy couldn't take listening to this when Luke had been right. His uncle didn't deserve to be worried about having damaged their relationship when he had had good reason to be suspicious to begin with. "Honestly, Uncle Luke. We're good. I'm not mad at you. I get that you were worried. I kind of even like that you were." Jeremy huffed out a soft laugh at the ridiculousness of the statement, even though it felt true. He watched Luke smile fondly at him. "I just mean, I spent so many years of my life without anyone who really cared about me or worried about me. I appreciate how much you care about me. I'm never going to hold it against you that you worry about me. We're good, ok?"

Jeremy watched Luke's eyes crinkle as he smiled. "Ok. I'm glad to hear it, nephew."

"I'm sorry if I was acting weird this morning. I wasn't mad. I just felt….." Jeremy searched for an adjective that felt genuine and wouldn't constitute another lie. "Uncomfortable, I guess, and I wasn't sure how to act. I'm sorry if I made you feel bad." Every _I'm sorry_ that Jeremy got out seemed to lighten his load a little even though the apologies were lies of their own. The act of saying he was sorry out loud felt cathartic when he was carrying so much guilt.

"Well, thanks for being so understanding, Jeremy. And, you don't have to apologize. You haven't done anything wrong here, nephew. C'mere." Even as Jeremy took the steps to close the gap between them, letting himself be pulled against Luke's chest for a hug, he knew what his mind would get stuck obsessing on that night as he lay in bed, _you don't have to apologize. You haven't done anything wrong here, nephew. _He felt slightly nauseous as he pulled back from Luke after a moment, his uncle's smile feeling authentic for the first time that morning. Luke rested a hand on Jeremy's shoulder as he stepped around the boy and pulled a box off the rack at waist level. He smiled as he held it out to Jeremy. "Here you go. We probably shouldn't keep Cesar waiting any longer. His head might explode."

Jeremy smiled and took the box of pancake mix from Luke. "Thanks, Uncle Luke."

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Jess trusted his son. He really did. He knew he had gotten lucky with Jeremy. He was a good kid, so much better than Jess had been at his age. And, Jess was grateful to have a child he could trust. And, his trustworthy child had looked him in the eye and told him he wasn't using drugs. Jess knew he had to take that at face value and believe it. So what if he was hanging around with a kid who did, or who at least had the reputation that he did. Jess knew from personal experience that not every teenager accused of using drugs actually was. And, even if this other kid was, it didn't mean Jeremy was. That wasn't Jeremy. Jeremy was way too focused on school and his future to compromise his education with drugs. Jess couldn't see it.

But, if he trusted Jeremy completely, he knew he wouldn't be standing at the threshold of the boy's room, carrying an armload of freshly laundered clothes and feeling indecisive. Winston had trotted ahead of into Jeremy's room and now sat looking up at him intently as if guarding Jeremy's space from an intruder. "What is it, boy?" Jess asked the dog. "What's your deal? Why are you looking at me like that? Can't a guy do his kid's laundry on a Saturday morning without getting judged?"

The dog tilted his head to one side as he listened. Jess changed tack. "You always take your brother's side. Don't you, boy? Why is that, little guy?" Jess used the playful, almost baby-talk voice that Winston responded to best, and the dog's tail started wagging back and forth rhythmically. "Why don't you ever take daddy's side, huh?"

Jess walked past the dog and set down the stack of clothes he was carrying on the bed. He wouldn't be doing anything out of the ordinary if he put Jeremy's clean clothes away in his dresser drawers. It was what he normally did when he did laundry, to be helpful. When Jeremy did the laundry, which Jess was embarrassed to admit was much more often, Jeremy left Jess's clothes neatly folded on his bed, as if not wanting to invade the privacy of his dresser drawers. Jess wondered if he should be doing the same. Jeremy was eighteen, not a little kid, and certainly he was entitled to some privacy in his own room. Jess focused on conjuring up the betrayal he had felt when Luke had searched his room when he had been Jeremy's age, and used the emotion to fortify his decision.

Jess crouched down to continue his chat with Winston, as he scratched the dog behind his ears, the dog leaning gently into his touch. "All right, boy, you win. Like always."

Jess's mind went back to a similar conversation he had had with Winston back in the motel room in Philadelphia, the morning after Jeremy's girlfriend's birthday, when Jess had contemplated looking through the boy's wallet while he was in the shower to check if the condom Jess had given him was still there. Winston had talked him out of that search, too, and Jess had realized that whether Jeremy had had sex or not wasn't exactly his business. This was different, of course. Jeremy using drugs was his business, but he would need more evidence before he would feel justified in poking around in Jeremy's room. He believed Luke's gut instincts about most things, but not this. This was between him and his son and he was making the choice to be the kind of parent who trusted his kid.

Jess thought back to what he had told Luke that morning, when he had called downstairs to tell him how his conversation with Jeremy had gone the night before, and to warn his uncle not to blow this up into a big deal and make Jeremy feel accused and attacked. That they needed to trust Jeremy. That Jeremy had earned that trust by being such a good kid. That there was no real evidence to contradict what Jeremy had told him, neither of them had ever caught Jeremy smoking or even seen him high. That if Jeremy said he wasn't using drugs, they had to take his word and accept it. And, that unless something concrete came up to further arouse their suspicions, they had to give Jeremy the benefit of the doubt and let this go.

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Jess watched Mallory listen attentively to Jeremy, her expression serious as she nodded her head, cutting in only twice with questions to clarify something Jeremy had said as he explained Harrison's situation to her. Jess loved this. Before tonight, he would have said his favorite times with Jeremy and Mallory were when they were all relaxed and enjoying each other's company, like the time they had taken Doula out for ice cream. But, this right here was good, too. Jess loved sitting around the dinner table, the meal mostly gone, watching his girlfriend and son interact like this. He loved how respectful they were to each other, Mallory treating Jeremy like an adult, listening to him and taking him seriously, letting Jeremy get his whole story out, offering up what she knew at the end with no trace of the dismissiveness or condescension that so many adults pulled out in relation to teenage problems. And, Jeremy, coming to her for advice to begin with, waiting patiently while she turned the problem over in her mind, and listening closely as she talked through some potential options. He could see the makings of a family here, and he liked it. He wondered if this was what Luke had always wanted between himself and Lorelai and he felt a stab of guilt at it having taken so long for him to give his uncle something that was even half this cordial.

"I'm not an expert on this by any means, but I think there's a rule that lets former foster youth re-enter extended foster care until the age of twenty-one as long as they had been in foster care at the age of sixteen or older. And, since you said Harrison didn't run away from his placement until he was seventeen, I'm thinking he would probably qualify. But, like I said, I'm not an expert here, so give me a couple of days before you say anything to Harrison, ok?"

Jeremy nodded.

"I'm going to call Jenny Forrester first thing Monday morning. She specializes in working with foster youth and I'm sure she'll be able to help us out on this. She'll know if I have this right and she'll be able to tell us what Harrison needs to do to get back into the system and be eligible for benefits again. I'll text you as soon as I know more, ok?"

Jeremy nodded again, his expression looking anything but ok. "Thanks, Mallory. I really appreciate this. But, do you think you could ask Mrs. Forrester if there are any other options for housing, like for him getting a room in an apartment somewhere, and maybe help with rent, but without him having to live with a foster parent or in a group home? He just, he really hated being in foster care. I think he had a worse time than I did, and I'm worried he might not go for something that put him back in the system, like under the control of a stranger again and everything."

Jess watched the emotions on his son's face, taking in the boy's hurt and compassion for his friend, loving that his kid was empathetic and caring enough to want to help someone like this. This didn't seem like the behavior of kid on drugs to him.

Jess watched Mallory nod seriously. If what Jeremy had asked for was unrealistic, she didn't let it show. "That's good information to know. I'll bring that up to Jenny when I talk to her, and I'll let you know what she says. In the meantime, I'm glad Harrison found you for a friend. I'm sure what he's going through is very scary for him, even if he doesn't admit it, and I'll bet having someone to talk to who really understands where he's coming from helps a lot."

Jeremy nodded, and Jess knew the boy was likely thinking about how close he had come to a similar situation, to aging out of foster care with no family for support. Jess knew Jeremy's plan before meeting him had been to stay in extended foster care and go to college with help from DCFS back in Pennsylvania, so he likely wouldn't have run into housing issues until mid-way through his junior year when he turned twenty-one and became too old for extended foster care, but he knew that all that still had to have felt uncertain and very scary, as Mallory had put it.

"I hope so." Jeremy said. "I know talking to him really helps me. He's the first person I've met since leaving foster care that I can really talk to about what it was like, who actually gets it."

Jess wondered if his own expression had faltered as he watched a twinge of nervous energy flit across Jeremy's face. "I mean, I know I can talk to you about it, Jess." The boy turned his head to include Mallory. "To both of you." Then looked back to Jess. "And, to Luke. And, probably anyone else in the family. And, that you guys will listen to me and care about what I'm saying. And, I really appreciate having that, but it's just different talking to someone else who's actually been through it, especially someone like Harrison, who's on the same path as me, like growing up in foster care and still trying to get through college and stuff. It's just really cool to have that, but I didn't mean that I don't really appreciate having you guys to talk to, too."

Jess felt a small smile spreading across his face as he looked into his son's nervous eyes. "It's ok, Jeremy. I get it. I'm glad you have Harrison to talk to, too. I'm just sorry he's having such a rough time right now."

Jess watched Jeremy's expression relax a little. "Yeah, me, too. Thanks for listening to me, Mallory, and for being willing to call Mrs. Forrester and to help my friend like this. I know it's not your job since I'm not your student anymore, and I really appreciate it."

Mallory gave Jeremy a bright smile. "Of course, Jeremy. I'll always be willing to help you however I can. You might not be my student anymore, but I've gotten to know you so much better since you graduated. And, you're my boyfriend's son. Those things make you even more important to me than when you were my student, not less."

Jess knew Jeremy's blush was coming even before he looked back toward his son, the boy nodding at his empty plate, his cheeks slightly pink. "Thanks." Jess loved how Jeremy wore his emotions on his sleeve. He liked how young and boyish it made him seem, even after the kind of life he had lived that would have hardened a lot of people past this sort of endearing embarrassment.

Jess had a familiar thought, about what a good stepmother Mallory would make for Jeremy. He loved the idea of giving Jeremy a mom-type person in his life, and he could easily see Mallory being amazing in that role, using the emotional intelligence she had refined from years of working with adolescents to be the loving, understanding stepmom that Jess thought Jeremy should have. Close on the heels of that thought, came another, one that Jess didn't often allow himself to entertain. The idea of what a great _mother_ Mallory would be. Of how lucky a child would be, how amazing a kid could turn out, if he or she got to have Mallory as a mother from day one. Charisse had never pushed for a biological child, only for fostering, and Jess had never been serious enough with any other woman to give the idea much thought. But, watching Mallory now, serious and patient and looking so damn good and downright maternal as she offered comfort and advice to his worried son, Jess knew he wanted to make a baby with this woman someday. He just didn't know what that would mean for the child he already had.

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The bad night of sleep and the early shift at the diner were catching up with Jeremy. Mallory was in the bathroom and Jess was setting up the Scrabble board, when Jeremy sat down on the the couch to pet Winston, propping one elbow on the armrest and supporting his head with his hand as he reached the other hand down toward the dog. He stifled a yawn, but didn't want to be lame enough to say he needed to go to bed early when Jess and Mallory had been kind enough to include him in their evening. He really liked nights like this and he didn't want to give them the impression that he didn't and risk his invitation for next time.

The next thing he knew, his mouth was stretched wide in a yawn, feeling disoriented as he woke up. The lights were on and he heard Winston's toenails tapping on the floor before the dog's face was in his, sniffing at mouth. He put out one hand, gently steering the dog's muzzle and bad breath away from his face. "Stop, boy. Lie down." The dog let out a low whine, and Jeremy heard laughter coming from behind him, Jess's and someone else's mingled together. He remembered that Mallory was over and pulled himself up to a sitting position, feeling embarrassed. The quilt from his bed had been draped over him and slid down to pool in his lap. He turned toward the table where Jess and Mallory were sitting at a ninety degree angle to each other, the Scrabble board laid out in front of them, two glasses of wine on the table, and smiles on both their faces as they watched him.

"Were we boring you, Jeremy?" Jess asked, his smile tinged with mocking.

"What?" Jeremy still felt half asleep and out of it. He rubbed at one eye. "I fell asleep on the couch?"

"No." Jess smirked. "You fell asleep in your room. I just carried your ass out here so we could watch you sleep. We're creepy like that."

"Sorry." Jeremy said, trying to get his bearings. "I didn't mean to do that. I should have just gone to bed. I didn't mean to be in the way like that."

Jess let out a light laugh. "It's fine, Jeremy. You weren't in the way. Creepy or not, it's always cute getting to watch you sleep. It makes me feel like I'm catching up on something I missed when you were a little kid."

Jeremy felt like a little kid, falling asleep in the living when they had company over. He hadn't realized how tired he had been. "I didn't mean to hog the couch like this if you guys wanted to use it."

Mallory smiled at him. "We've been fine over here. We were playing a game of silent Scrabble so we wouldn't wake you. By the way, I would recommend silent Scrabble whenever you play with this guy." Mallory hooked a thumb in Jess's direction. "It's a much better experience not having to listen to all his shit talking."

Jeremy huffed out a laugh and Jess frowned. "Hey, no ganging up on me."

Jeremy stretched his arms out over his head and yawned again. He started to stand up, pushing the quilt into a pile on the couch next to him. "Thanks for putting the blanket on me."

Jess shrugged. "That was all Mallory. I wanted to dump a bucket of ice water on your head, but she bullied me into going the blanket route instead."

Mallory smiled and took a sip of her wine. Jeremy got the impression she wanted to say something, but wasn't sure she should, which piqued his curiosity as he tried not to make it obvious that he was watching her. "Hey, Jeremy?"

Jeremy made eye contact with Jess and the two grinned at each other. "Hey, Mallory." Jeremy said.

Mallory's smile intensified. "I just wanted to say thank you for being ok with me being here tonight. I know it can be awkward having an overnight guest in your space, and I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you being good with this."

"Oh, uh, yeah, of course. I like it when you're here. It's…..nice." Jeremy mentally kicked himself for going with the lamest possible adjective. His brain still felt a little fuzzy from his nap.

"Thank you. It's nice being here." Her expression turned serious. "But, I want things to go smoothly with us, so if I ever do anything that bothers you, or if you ever feel like I'm invading your space in a way that you don't like, I want you to know that you can talk to me about it, ok?"

Jess snorted. "As opposed to when you invade his space in a way that he _does_ like?"

Mallory shot Jess a look. "How about a little more playing your next word and a little less mocking?"

Jess held up his hands, palms toward his girlfriend in surrender.

Jeremy nodded. "Ok. Thanks, Mallory, but I'm pretty sure if I can deal with rooming with Jess, I can deal with anyone."

Mallory laughed and Jess frowned exaggeratedly. "What did I just say not five minutes ago about ganging up on me?"

Jeremy shrugged. "Then, I guess you should be less fun to gang up on." The boy yawned again. "I'm going to run Winston outside and then head to bed. I'm beat."

"Just go to bed, Jeremy. You look like you're about to pass out." Jess said. "I'll come get Winston and take him out as soon as I'm done crushing Mallory at Scrabble and let him back into your room."

"Like I said." Mallory told Jeremy. "Silent Scrabble is definitely the way to go."

Jeremy laughed. "Ok. Thanks." Jeremy walked over to the table knowing Jess wasn't going to allow him out of the room without their usual goodnight hug. Jess stood to meet him and Jeremy let himself be pulled into a brief but warm embrace.

"Goodnight, kid." Jeremy felt the quick kiss on the side of his head before he pulled back.

"Goodnight, Dad." The name had come out on its own, but it definitely felt right to Jeremy on a cozy, family evening like this. Jeremy turned toward Mallory, who was leaning slightly forward in her chair, seemingly on the fence about whether she should stand up as well. Jeremy felt a wave of shyness, but he didn't want to hurt her feelings. He took a small, tentative step in her direction and it seemed to be enough of a cue. Mallory popped up out of her chair with a smile on her face and met Jeremy with a quick hug. The whole thing was over in a second or two and much less awkward than if Jeremy had let himself stop to think about it. He had come to trust Mallory not to embarrass him or make him feel stupid. He knew whatever decision he had made about the hug would have been accepted graciously without Mallory missing a beat. The same thought that Jeremy had had at the Renaissance Faire with Liz struck him again, that Mallory was kind and good at making people feel comfortable, probably better than anyone else in their family, and it made her easy to be around. He wanted to be more like that.

She was still smiling at him. "Goodnight, Jeremy."

"Goodnight, Mallory."

Jeremy took in the dopey grin on Jess's face and felt glad he had hugged Mallory, too. He headed to the bathroom to get ready for bed, thinking about what a good night it had been, how great Mallory was, and how comfortable he was starting to feel around her. He brushed his teeth thinking that he could maybe picture them, all three of them, being a little family that he would always be welcome in, even if Jess and Mallory ended up having kids of their own. It wasn't until he was alone in his room, staring into the dark, that the sick feeling came back, guilt roiling in his stomach as he heard himself lying to his uncle, lying to Jess. He thought about the kind of person he was becoming, adding lie upon lie, about wanting to be more like Mallory, and what she would think of him if she knew what a liar he was. He needed to get out of his head before he got himself worked up and stressed. He was too tired to deal with this tonight. Jeremy sat up in bed and pulled open his desk drawer, reaching for the pink pencil case, wanting to shut everything off.


	12. Chapter 12- Helping a Friend

**Chapter 12 Notes:** I haven't forgotten about the drug use storyline, but this chapter focuses on checking in with what else is going on with the boys. Thanks to everyone who is still reading and reviewing my little story. I appreciate each and every comment I receive. You guys are the best readers! :)

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls

"Kirk, I don't know, ok?" Jess was getting frustrated. He had no idea how Luke dealt with this guy constantly harassing him at work. "I have no idea if it would be traumatizing to babies or small children."

"But, you work in a bookstore." Kirk's expression matched his monotone voice.

"I know that, Kirk. But, I've never read the book, all right?" Jess did his best to keep his irritation in check. He knew Kirk couldn't help being how he was and it wasn't Kirk's fault that Jess was in a shitty mood.

"But, you have a child." Kirk's brow furrowed slightly. "Shouldn't this be an issue that you care about, too?" Kirk gently moved the baby stroller in front of him back and forth, looking down at his sleeping daughter.

Jess huffed out a sigh. "Kirk, my son is eighteen. I don't read to him."

Kirk frowned. "But, studies have shown that reading to your children is important for the parent child bond, and that kids who are read to do better in school and have more successful adult lives."

"Kirk. My kid is already an adult." Jess took a deep breath, trying to center himself. Jess had found that Kirk's almost daily visits to the bookstore served as barometer of his own mood. When Jess was in a relaxed and positive frame of mind, he could find a chat with Kirk to be an amusing distraction in an otherwise uneventful day, especially when he got to hold Tulip. But, when he was in a foul mood like he was today, dwelling on his own shortcomings and regrets, Kirk could irritate the shit out of him and push him over the edge. "Besides, how traumatizing can it be? It's a kid's book."

"But, it has all that ominous foreshadowing in the title."

"Oh, my god, Kirk!" Jess remembered the sleeping baby and lowered his voice to a hissing whisper. "I can't keep talking to you about this. It's not traumatizing, it's a freaking kid's book. Grover is on the goddamn cover. Buy it. Don't buy it. Pick something else. Whatever you want, but I can't keep discussing it!"

Kirk's eyes narrowed. "You don't need to get huffy just because I touched on a genre of literature outside your area of expertise."

"Kirk-"

"Everything ok over here, guys?" Andrew approached the counter and stood next to Kirk, an amused smile on his face as he looked back and forth between Kirk and Jess. Andrew could tolerate Kirk patiently and good naturedly, like Luke. Jess wondered if it was a generational thing, being able to put up with ridiculous behavior from someone who was young enough to be your child.

Jess took a deep breath, not wanting to let his bad mood spill over onto his boss. "We're good. Kirk has a question about the potential trauma-inducing qualities of this book." Jess held up the book and Andrew reached out a hand and took it from him, looking down at the cover.

"This is a great book, Kirk. Jonathan used to love this book when he was little." Jess felt the nervous flutter in his stomach that he always got when Andrew mentioned his deceased son, the worry that he would say the wrong thing or fail to say the right thing and come across as an insensitive idiot. He watched Andrew turn directly to the last page of the book, holding it up so Jess and Kirk could see the final page. "This is the big, bad monster at the end of the book. He's more cute and cuddly than traumatizing."

Kirk's expression remained serious. "Thanks a lot, Andrew. You've ruined the ending. What's the point of reading it now?"

Andrew looked down at Kirk's baby. "Tulip's sleeping. I think we're safe."

Kirk let out a loud sigh. "I meant, you spoiled the ending for _me_. You're supposed to say 'spoiler alert' before you do things like that. Everybody knows that." Kirk shook his head slowly. "Between the two of you, it seems like you have no idea how to properly run a bookstore. Perhaps Tulip and I need to take our book-buying needs elsewhere."

Andrew closed the book and set it down on the counter, nodding seriously. "Thanks for the constructive feedback, Kirk." Jess stifled a laugh. Andrew had picked up that response to Kirk's never ending litany of unfiltered and unsolicited criticism from Jess, and Jess had picked it up from Luke way back when, in his days as a teenage server in the diner.

Kirk huffed and walked to the door, pushing the baby stroller in front of him, pausing as he exited long enough to turn and call over his shoulder. "See you guys tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow, Kirk." Andrew responded as Jess moved one hand in a small wave in Kirk's direction.

Andrew turned to look at Jess. "You ok today?"

Jess felt the familiar wave of shame he got whenever Andrew asked him that. The idea that he had let his own anger manifest itself in a bad mood, when Andrew, who was living with the biggest loss Jess could imagine, never did, was mortifying. "I'm fine. Sorry about that."

Andrew nodded, his expression serious. "It's ok. I just haven't heard you yell at Kirk in a while. Not that I can't understand the motivation. He can be pretty frustrating."

Jess knew Andrew was humoring him. He couldn't picture Andrew yelling at anyone. He gave his boss a sheepish smile. "It wasn't my most professional moment. I guess I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

"It happens to all of us. I'm going to run out and grab lunch. Can I bring you anything from Al's?"

"No, thanks. I'm good. I brought my lunch today."

"Ok. In that case, I'll probably eat over there and be back in an hour or so."

Jess nodded, and watched as Andrew grabbed his jacket from behind the counter and left the store. Jess had stopped letting Andrew pick up lunch for him because the man never allowed him to pay him back for his meal. It wasn't that Jess didn't appreciate the gesture. He did, had especially appreciated it when he had first arrived in Stars Hollow and taken the job, post-fire and close to penniless. But, now he was starting to feel ashamed of all the charity he still received almost a year later. He was a thirty-three year old man who lived rent free in his uncle's home, giving his uncle only enough money each month to cover his estimate of the apartment's portion of the diner's utility bill. Jess paid for internet, and phones for himself and Jeremy, but that was it in terms of adult obligations. On one hand, he was thankful for the setup because it allowed him to pay for Jeremy's college, and tuck some cash away for the future. But, he knew there were many parents out there who managed to pay their own rent and still help their kids with college. Then there was the matter of his own education and the money that Luke had earmarked to help him with it. It made him feel grateful and loved, but also childish at the same time. There was only so much an adult could accept from other people and still feel like an adult.

This concern had taken over Jess's internal monologue today because of a conversation he had had with Mallory that morning. They had been lying in bed before the alarm had gone off, wrapped up in each other, delaying starting their day as long as possible, when Mallory had broached the topic of living together sometime in the not so distant future. Jess had liked hearing her ask. Knowing that they were on the same page about wanting to move their relationship forward felt good, but he had also felt a flicker of resentment at Mallory once again taking the wheel in their relationship. She had asked him out to begin with, kissed him first, told him she loved him first. He wasn't usually the reactive one in his relationships, the one who things happened to, instead of the one who made things happen, and it felt unsettling. Jess had agreed that living together would be nice, but he also explained that he didn't want to do it until Jeremy's freshmen year was over. Jeremy had stayed home for his first year of college to be with Jess and Jess didn't want to turn around and desert him when he and Mallory got their own place. Mallory had gone quiet for a moment, then told Jess that she had assumed he would move into her place, since she owned the condo she lived in.

Jess had been taken aback, not so much that Mallory owned her own place, but by her omission of this fact up until now. He could read her well enough to realize that this certain piece of information had been strategically withheld from the bios they had been divulging to each other bit by bit over the past few months of dating. It only took a second for Jess to realize the reason why. Mallory hadn't wanted to make him feel worse about himself by pointing out another difference between them. She had a college degree and a master's, a steady income and a meaningful career, and she owned her own home while Jess was taking his first class in community college, working in customer service and mooching off his uncle. A wave of humiliation had hit him at the idea of his girlfriend holding back information about an accomplishment of hers to spare his feelings.

Jess had extricated himself from her arms and her bed, a pleasant smile meeting her slightly worried one as he told her that they could work everything out down the road, when he felt he could leave Jeremy without feeling like he was abandoning him. They had showered together and ate a quick breakfast in her kitchen, Jess pushing down his feelings of inadequacy until they parted ways for the day. But, once inside the bookstore, alone with time to contemplate, Jess's self-criticism had taken up residence in the forefront of his mind, shaming him for all the things he should have done with his life but hadn't. Earned a college degree. Established a real career that couldn't disappear on him. Saved a respectable nest egg. The things that would have made him an adult on equal footing with Mallory. When he thought about how they compared on paper, it felt crazy that Mallory was choosing to build her future with him. He knew it was fruitless to focus on past mistakes, but he also knew how easy it was to fall down that hole and spend a decent chunk of time beating himself up. He tried to focus on his present situation and what he could fix.

He needed to take more classes next semester. The English composition class he was currently taking had focused on one of his strengths and hadn't required much in the way of effort or time from Jess. He had enjoyed the experience of being in class with his son and he knew it had meant something to Jeremy, too, but Jess had spent most of his first semester of college feeling stalled, like he was standing still when he should have been working harder at making progress toward a degree. He needed to get serious about his education, to take his classes online from now on, where the class cycles were shorter, seven weeks each as opposed to a full semester. And, he needed to double or triple up, to get through them as quickly as he could and hopefully restart a real career, in what he wasn't sure. He also needed to start paying Luke rent. It had been almost a year of freeloading. He was a grown man. It was time. Jess felt better with a few personal resolutions made even though the futility of the arrangement wasn't lost on Jess. That he would insist on giving Luke money for rent and then turn around and take more classes and use more of the money his uncle had set aside for his education. But, he knew he couldn't swing rent, his own education and Jeremy's. He was already worried that rent and Jeremy's college would be enough of a stretch. Jess let out a frustrated sigh and headed down one of the aisles to finish stocking a new shipment of self-help books.

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"It feels good having clean laundry." Harrison smiled as he folded the hoodie that was still warm from the dryer. He turned to Jeremy. "Thanks again for letting me stay here tonight, Jeremy. I really appreciate it."

Jeremy sat in the armchair, one knee angled up in front of him, watching his friend fold his modest pile of laundry on the couch. "It's no problem. Really. You can stay here whenever you need to." Jeremy watched Harrison's head start shaking side to side as the boy pulled a long sleeve tee shirt from the pile and laid it flat to fold. "That's a real offer. I hope you know that."

Harrison didn't take his eyes off his shirt. "I know. And I appreciate that, but I don't want to take advantage of you. I want to be a friend you invite over every once in a while, not someone that you regret giving your address to, that's in your way, mooching off you all the time." The boy's lips turned up in a wry smile. "And, trust me, I am well aware how quickly I can go from one to the other."

Harrison didn't sound sad exactly, but Jeremy could tell he was serious about not wanting to overstay his welcome, and he had discussed an option with Jess that he thought Harrison might find more palatable. "What about if you stay here one night a week? Maybe Thursdays since we both have the night off work and you're here tonight…..and you were here last Thursday for the history project…...I could drive you back from school with me, we could hang out here, do our homework, eat dinner, sleep here, and I'll drive you back to school with me Friday morning. Just like we did last Thursday."

Harrison looked up with a small sad frown. "Thanks, but I can't imagine Jess would want me hanging around that often."

This time Jeremy felt like Harrison wanted to say yes, but just needed some persuading. "I talked to Jess. He's fine with it. The one night a week thing was actually his idea."

"Really?" Harrison looked over to Jeremy, still looking slightly skeptical.

"Yeah, really. He wants to help you, to make sure you have somewhere safe to go at night. And, he spends a couple of nights a week at his girlfriend's place anyway, so he can always do that on a Thursday if he doesn't want to hang out with us."

"It _would_ be pretty sweet to have one night a week that I don't have to worry about….."

Jeremy knew that since being kicked out of his most recent living situation, Harrison spent a good portion of his time between classes texting acquaintances and co-workers, trying to work out a couch or floor to crash on each night, the space sometimes offered for a few bucks 'rent' and sometimes out of the goodness of someone's heart. He knew Harrison felt like he didn't have any close friends, and that he tried to spread out his asks and not hit up the same people without a respectable period of time in between. Jeremy also knew living like that had to be stressful. He knew that he wouldn't have been brave enough to be so stubborn in his friend's shoes. If their roles were reversed, he was pretty sure he would have broken down crying and begged Harrison to let him sleep on his floor. "I would like it, too." Jeremy shrugged, instantly worried that that was too mushy a thing to say to another guy. "I just mean, it's fun when you stay over and everything." Jeremy's mind also went to how easily he was able to fall asleep when Harrison was there, a live presence on the aerobed in his room, someone to talk to as he drifted off to sleep.

"Thanks, Jeremy. Seriously." Harrison's voice sounded hoarse.

"Sure." Jeremy nodded, feeling suddenly shy in response. They sat in silence for a while, Harrison folding, Jeremy watching Winston's rib cage rhythmically rise and fall as he slept in his dog bed on the floor.

"Hey, so speaking of your dad's girlfriend, did she say when I could talk to her?" Harrison asked.

Jeremy looked up to find Harrison watching him, the laundry folded in a small neat pile in front of him. A bone deep sadness hit Jeremy at the meagerness of Harrison's worldly possessions, nothing more than would fit in his backpack. It had taken Mallory a couple of days to get in touch with Jenny Forrester, but she had texted Jeremy to let him know that she had some information to pass along to Harrison and would like to meet with him in person to discuss his options. Jeremy had liked that she had texted him directly, instead of passing on the message through Jess. It had made him feel like this, trying to help Harrison, was their thing together, and that maybe Mallory liked him as a person, beyond his being Jess's son.

"Uh, yeah. She and Jess went out for dinner, but they're going to stop by after, before they go back to Mallory's place. She said to tell you it would be low pressure, that you guys could talk tonight if you wanted, or you could set up another time to talk if you didn't want to do it tonight. I think she was worried about blindsiding you."

Harrison nodded thoughtfully. "Tonight would be great. I mean, the sooner the better, right?"

"Ok." Jeremy pulled out his phone. "I'm just going to give her a heads up." He moved his thumbs typing rapidly and hit send. A moment later his phone binged with a response from Mallory, complete with a thumbs up emoji. Jeremy smiled. "She says they'll be here around eight."

"Thanks for talking to her about me and setting this up. For real." Harrison gave Jeremy a small smile. "Any help I can get with my…...situation is very much appreciated right now."

"It's no problem." Jeremy brought his other leg onto the couch, settling the bottom of his foot on the cushion and wrapping his arms around both bent knees. "Mallory's really nice, and she knows a lot about stuff like this. When she was my high school guidance counselor, she was the first person I ever really talked to about being in foster care, aside from the few things I had told Jess. She's just like…..she made me feel really comfortable and she's really good at helping people, like she really cares…"

"Cool. I hope she can help me figure something out. Something a little more…..stable. I slept on the couch of this guy I know from work last night. They were having problems with the heat at their place, and they only had this thin little blanket that I could use. It really sucked. I felt like asking for my twenty-bucks back in the morning, but I guess the deal was just a roof over my head, which he did give me, even if it was cold enough that I might as well have been outside." Harrison shrugged, a what-are-you-gonna-do expression on his face.

Jeremy felt his stomach clench at the thought of Harrison huddled up on someone's couch, trying to stay warm, but still happy for the roof protecting him from the elements. He thought about how unfair everything was. How someone who worked as hard as Harrison did at school to get good grades and make something of himself, shouldn't have to struggle this hard and deal with homelessness to do it. He really hoped Mallory would arrive with a long term solution for him.

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Jess had made a pot of tea when he and Mallory first arrived and after some small talk and pleasantries, they had settled in around the table. Jess was currently sipping his tea as he listened to Mallory. "-so, the first thing we need to do is verify with DCFS that you had an open dependency case when you turned eighteen."

Jess watched Harrison frown. "But, I wasn't still in foster care at eighteen. I ran away before that. Wouldn't they have closed my case then?"

"From what I understand, they don't close a case when someone runs away, or is AWOL. What I learned from the foster youth achievement counselor I spoke to was that your case should technically not have been closed until you turned eighteen. The fact that you were AWOL for a few months before that shouldn't matter since DCFS is required to keep a case open until some kind of permanency has been achieved, either an adoption or legal guardianship, or a reunification with birth parents, or the person turns eighteen and chooses not to enter extended foster care. Being AWOL from foster care isn't considered achieving permanency because DCFS always wants to leave the door open for a AWOL kid to come back into the system and be placed again."

Jess watched a guarded expression creep onto Harrison's face.

"So, as long as you still had an open dependency case when you turned eighteen, you can re-enter the system in extended foster care and stay in until you turn twenty-one. This is how you would be eligible for the most benefits, provided you stay enrolled in college and or work eighty hours a month. I'm guessing those criteria wouldn't be a problem for you."

Harrison shook his head. "No, I already do both those things, anyway."

Mallory rewarded him with a smile. "Perfect! You only need one or the other to qualify, but it's great that you're doing both. In extended foster care, you'd be what's called a non-minor dependent. Meaning that even though you're an adult, you'd still have an open dependency case, you would meet with a social worker on a monthly basis to check in, and you would be entitled to lots of resources from DCFS, like tuition assistance, help paying for books and fees, possibly transportation and clothing costs, and housing in a transitional group home-"

"No way, fuck that!" Harrison's tone was beyond hostile, and Jess turned toward the boy, surprise mixing with anger of his own.

"Hey!" The anger in Jess's own voice surprised him, and he focused on lowering it, but couldn't hide his irritation completely. "How about you hear her out?"

"Fuck this! No way in hell I'm going back to a group home! I'd rather sleep on the street!"

Jess leaned slightly forward, toward the boy across the table from him, his pent up anger from earlier in the day bursting through. "Hey! How about you show Mallory some respect? Maybe a little fucking gratitude while you're at it! She's been making calls all week trying to help you out, the least you can do is listen to what she has to say." The heat in his raised voice shocked him. He was at least partially aware that it wasn't his place to mess with what Mallory was trying to do here, but he would be damned if he would sit by in his own home and let this kid talk to his girlfriend like that.

Harrison pushed his chair back from the table, his expression hurt and defensive. Jess could see Jeremy watching wide-eyed on his right.

"Harrison, please don't go." Mallory's voice was authoritative, but not angry like Jess's had been. He watched her turn away from him, toward the boy to her left. "We're fine here. The group home is only one option. We still have others to talk through. We'll figure something out." She smiled at Harrison. "Please give me a few more minutes before you bail on this conversation. Ok?"

Jess watched Harrison, sitting a foot back from the table, his eyes downcast, his expression sad and grim and hopeless, and Jess felt like a bully. Before he could say anything, Mallory was talking to Jeremy. "Jeremy, have you guys eaten yet?"

Jess took in his son's deer in the headlights look. This clearly wasn't how he had expected this conversation to go. "Uh, no, not yet…...uh, we were studying…."

Mallory smiled at Jeremy before turning to Jess, her smile unwavering. "Jess, how about you go downstairs and order these guys some dinner? That will give us some time to get through the things we need to talk about up here."

Jess felt a rush of shame at being dismissed. He knew he might well have earned it, but he still didn't like it. He nodded wordlessly at Mallory, feeling tension in his jaw at how tightly closed he was holding it. He pushed back his chair and got to his feet. "What do you want, Jeremy?"

"Um, uh." Jeremy looked more nervous than usual. "A lentil wrap, I guess. And fries?"

Jess nodded at his son and looked at Harrison who still had his eyes trained down on his lap. Jess thought back to his first night with Jeremy and the boy's angry outburst followed by tears. He knew he should have been better at showing empathy here. "What can I get you, Harrison?"

The boy shook his head silently, then looked up toward Jess, his expression wary, and Jess wondered how many other times in life Harrison had been yelled at in a house that wasn't his home by a man he barely knew. "I"m fine. You don't have to get me anything." His voice was barely audible and Jess wondered if he was near tears. Tonight couldn't be easy for him, sitting here with strangers who were offering him an out from his couch and floor surfing existence by returning to the type of place he probably still had nightmares about.

Jess sighed. "Two lentil wraps with fries coming up."

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Jess walked into the diner feeling like an idiot. He took a seat at the counter and waited for Luke to notice him. The diner wasn't busy and it didn't take long.

"Hey, nephew." Luke approached behind the counter, concern on his face. "How's it going up there? You guys already done talking to Jeremy's friend? Was Mallory able to help the kid out?"

Jess sighed. "Oh, that conversation is still going on. I just got kicked out of it and sent down here to pick up food."

Luke huffed out a confused sound, part laugh, part surprise. "What are you talking about? Who kicked you out?"

Jess felt a chill as a couple opened the door to exit the diner. He thought about the cup of tea he had only made it halfway through upstairs. "Could I get a cup of tea? Please."

Luke frowned. "Yeah, of course. Give me one second."

Luke came back with a steaming cup of tea that he set down in front of Jess. "So, are you going to tell me what happened, or what?"

Jess brought the tea up to his mouth, breathing in the comforting warmth even though it was still too hot to drink. He set it back down, keeping his fingers resting on the handle. "I kind of acted like an ass, so Mallory asked me to leave so that she could talk to Harrison in peace."

"What do you mean you acted like an ass? I thought you wanted to help this kid. He seems like a nice kid when Jeremy brings him through here. Not high out of his mind like that other little fool."

Jess snorted. "Yeah, he's a pretty good kid. I think he's a lot like Jeremy." Jess wondered how true that was, if Jeremy and Harrison were really alike personality-wise, or if their similar childhoods just made them similarly triggered. He thought about Jeremy sitting at the kitchen table in Philadelphia telling him that the workers in the first group home had been rough with the residents and how one guy had dragged Jeremy down the hall by his hair, and then about Jeremy telling Mallory the other night that he thought Harrison had had a worse time in the system than he had and how he hadn't pressed for details on why Jeremy thought that, partly out of respect for Harrison's privacy, but mostly because he didn't really want to know, didn't want a potential horror story rolling around in his head.

"So, what did you do, nephew?"

"I kind of yelled at him. Mallory was talking to him about the possibility of going back into the system. There's this thing called extended foster care that could provide housing for him, but it would mean he'd have to live in transitional housing, which is kind of like a group home, but for people who are eighteen to twenty-one years old."

"I think I'm missing something, here. What about that conversation made you yell at him?"

Jess sighed. "Nothing. I mean, I shouldn't have. I just…...I don't know. I've been stuck in my head all day today and I've been in a shitty mood because of it, just feeling really tightly wound, you know? And, Harrison kind of freaked out on Mallory when she suggested the group home, like swearing at her and stuff, or maybe not really _at_ her, but I kind of freaked out on him a little anyway. It wasn't his fault. I think he was more scared about the possibility of living in a group home again than anything else. I don't think things were easy for him when he was in them before…I shouldn't have yelled at him. It was stupid."

Luke looked thoughtful. "Kids do tend to freak out and not behave very well when they're scared."

Jess nodded, a small smile forming on his lips at the complete obviousness of the statement. "You're not wrong."

"What are you going to do? Are you going to apologize to him?" Luke asked.

"I guess so. I mean, I should. He's going to be staying with us when he has no place else to go, until he gets real housing. I don't want things to be awkward when he's over." Jess thought a moment. "Or worse, I don't want him staying someplace that isn't safe because he doesn't feel comfortable coming back over."

"So, you'll apologize. Mallory will help him get housing. Things will work out." Luke spoke as if a positive outcome was inevitable.

Jess held both hands around his warm mug, soaking up the heat as he looked at his uncle. "Yeah? How can you be so sure?"

"I think you'll apologize because it sounds like the right thing to do here, and you're a good person who likes to do the right thing. I think you need to treat this kid the same way you'd want someone to treat Jeremy if he hadn't ended up with you. And, I think Mallory will be able to help him get a place to live because she seems caring and competent and invested in Jeremy enough that she isn't going to stop trying until she can help his friend. Plus, this town is full of good people, a little crazy, but mostly good. I'm convinced if you bring this up to enough people, someone will be willing to help this kid out."

Jess thought about that. Maybe Luke was right and it was just a matter of finding the right person. "Yeah. I hope you're right. If you hear about anyone looking for a renter, you'll let me know, right?"

"Of course. I'll keep my ears open."

"Thanks." Jess took a sip of his tea. "Speaking of renting a room, I'm going to start paying you rent for the apartment. How much do you want?"

"What?" Luke frowned. "Where's this coming from all of a sudden?"

"It's coming from me being a grown-ass man who should pay rent for the apartment he lives in. And, I wouldn't call it sudden. I've been living rent free for almost a year."

"You don't need to pay rent, Jess. I thought we had an agreement that I'm just helping you out until you get back on your feet."

"I'm on my feet. I have a job, a girlfriend, a kid. I'm even in college. It's time for me to pay rent. I'll feel better if I'm paying rent. What do you think market rent is for the apartment?"

"I don't know, Jess." Luke grimaced. "I'm not comfortable with the idea of taking your money."

"Well, I'm getting uncomfortable with not paying my own way. It's kind of making it hard to feel…." Jess mentally replaced 'good about myself' with "Like a responsible and productive member of society."

Luke sighed. "All right. God forbid I stand in your way of being a responsible and productive member of society."

"Hey, it was your biggest dream for me when I was Jeremy's age."

"That is was. And, there times when it felt like a pipe dream, let me tell you." Luke smiled fondly. "I'm really proud of you, Jess. You turned out pretty good."

Jess felt embarrassed by the effect Luke's words had on him. It also brought his mind back to Jeremy and Harrison and how scary it would be have no family and no one who loved you enough to see you through rose-colored glasses the way parents saw their children, the way Luke saw him, loving him enough to tell him he was proud of him not twenty minutes after he had just yelled at a scared orphan. The parent child relationship was nonsensical and full of implicit bias and possibly denial, but it was still the most comforting thing in the world. Jess couldn't imagine having turned out 'pretty good' without Luke in his life. He didn't know how Jeremy had managed to stay such a great kid after all those years alone, and he couldn't fathom what Harrison was going through with no support, trying to figure out college and housing and feeding himself all on his own.

"All right. So, it'll be a year next month. How about we both think about this until then and if you still want to pay rent, you can come up with the amount you want to pay. That's on you. I'm not going to come up with something to charge you because I don't want to charge you anything. Ok?"

Jess nodded. "Fine. I'll do some research."

Luke huffed out a laugh. "Ok, you do that, nephew."

"And, it's time to sign up for spring classes, and I want to take four. That's ok, right?"

"Four? Are you going to have time for that? Isn't that almost full time? Jeremy takes five and he's full time."

"These will only be two at time, with shorter semesters. But, I can't just keep doing one class at a time." "I just…..I feel like I'm standing still. I want to get through this college thing while I'm still young enough to have an actual career afterwards."

Luke's expression was serious and Jess could see the concern there. "Ok, nephew. Whatever you want. You know, we can just put your share of the money from the sale of the ice cream shop into your bank account so you don't have to ask me for it every semester. That's what we did with April's share. She has it in a money market account in her name."

Jess didn't necessarily enjoy running his college costs by Luke every semester, but he liked the idea of a huge financial gift even less. "I like it how it is, if that's ok with you."

"All right. If that's what you want." Luke paused, watching Jess for a moment as if trying to read something in his face. "So, nephew, what'll it be?"

"Huh?"

"What do you want to order? You said you got kicked out to pick up food."

"I'm going to pay for this, too."

Luke laughed out loud. "Sorry, nephew, but you're not. No one in my immediate family pays to eat here. That's my rule. If you're worried about running me out of business with the handful of times a month you eat down here, you won't. I've stayed in business through over a decade of Lorelai eating free on an almost daily basis. I think I can handle you and my great-nephew doing it, too."

"Luke, it's not about-"

"I like feeding the people I love, Jess." Luke's voice took on a stern tone as he cut Jess off. "It makes me happy. You aren't taking away something that brings me joy like that. So, I'll ask again, what'll it be, nephew?"

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"It's just…..you don't know how hard it is to be the gay kid in a group home. I can't go back to something like that. My life was hell in every group home I ever lived in."

Jeremy watched Mallory nod sympathetically. "That must have been extremely difficult. I'm very sorry you had to go through that."

Jeremy felt like he could relate. He wasn't sure if he should interject, but he thought Harrison might appreciate having the attention off him for a minute. "I can kind of understand. I mean, I was the only white kid at my first group home. I felt like I was everyone's target because of it. They made my life pretty miserable, too. And, they called me gay all the time, anyway, even though I wasn't."

Harrison looked at him with sad eyes. "Yeah. The only time being black worked for me was in the group homes, at least for the first few days, before everyone figured out I was gay. Then it didn't matter. But, in foster homes, when I actually got sent to people willing to foster a black teenage boy, I always felt like it worked against me. I can remember this one family, they were white, two parents and a teenage daughter a year younger than me. She was pretty cool, like just really nice and we hung out together a lot. When her parents sent me back their reasoning was that I didn't fit in and they didn't want me to feel uncomfortable being a part of a family where I stuck out so much. And, of course, they knew I was black when they agreed to foster me, but it was a different story having this black kid get close to their daughter." Harrison let out a humorless laugh. "What's so stupid was that they were two of the only people ever who couldn't tell I was gay. Like, I used to French braid their daughter's hair and help her pick out outfits for school and they were still freaked out about what I was going to get up to with her behind closed doors. It was so stupid."

Mallory nodded. "It does sound pretty stupid." Harrison huffed out a surprised laugh. "Or at least, _they_ sound like they might be pretty stupid." Mallory gave him a warm smile. "Is it ok if I tell you about another option you might have for housing?"

Harrison nodded his head. "Yeah. I'm sorry about before. I didn't mean to sound ungrateful for your help, or piss off your boyfriend like that."

"It's ok. I get it. You were angry about the idea of a group home, not at me. Sometimes it's hard to control our reactions to things that really trigger us emotionally. It sounds like you had a lot of bad experiences at group homes. I understand why that might not be an option for you now."

"Thanks." Harrison turned to Jeremy. "Do you think your dad hates me now? Do I need to find somewhere else to stay tonight?"

"No." Jeremy shook his head emphatically. "Not at all. I don't know why he reacted like that, but he doesn't hate you. And, you can definitely still stay here tonight and every Thursday, like we talked about. That hasn't changed. Jess wouldn't go back on something like that. I swear."

Harrison looked uncertain and Jeremy wasn't sure what else to say to convince him.

Mallory started speaking again. "So, the other option, again, this is if you have your case reopened and enter extended foster care, is something called supervised independent living. Are you guys familiar with that?"

Harrison shook his head, but Jeremy nodded. He has researched all his options in that horrible portion of a year between turning seventeen and getting sent to Jess, when he had spent all his time planning and researching in an effort to keep the dread and fear at bay. "Yeah, it's like you rent a room in an apartment on your own and DCFS helps you pay the rent."

Harrison's eyes noticeably widened, while his overall expression remained wary. "That sounds much better than living in a group home."

Mallory nodded. "I'm glad you like this idea. I will tell you that this one is a little harder to come by and that the majority of non-minor dependents end up living in a group home or a foster home because of the difficulty in securing their own place. So, it's more difficult, but it's not impossible." Mallory smiled encouragingly. "DCFS puts less money toward this program than it does toward the group homes or transitional housing, so the stipend you would get in rental assistance might not cover a room in an apartment. From what I understand, most people who go this route either live in a dorm at a state school, where DCFS has agreements in place for room and board, or they rent a room in someone's house, and the homeowner is often someone they already know who is willing to help them out like this. You would still need to meet with a social worker so that they can determine that you're ready to live independently and they would need to perform a home inspection and approve your new living situation. DCFS would then pay a stipend directly to your landlord, or the owner of the home where you're renting a room. And, keep in mind, the stipend might not cover your full rent, and you might be eligible for some assistance with tuition, but not as much as if you accepted a placement in a group home since DCFS would be paying part of your rent. What do you think about this option?"

Harrison looked excited now, but like he was trying to manage his expectations and hold it in. "I think that sounds great. I would like to do the supervised independent living if I can. Do I need to rent a whole room? I know a couple of guys from work, who would probably let me stay on their couch, or their floor, if I could pay a decent enough rent."

"In order to get approved, you would have to have a room. You could have a roommate, but you need a room with your own space and your own bed."

Jeremy watched Harrison's face fall a little. "Oh, ok. I don't think I know anyone that could do that for me, but maybe I could take out an ad on Craigslist or something for a room wanted and see what happens."

Mallory smiled. "Yeah. Yeah, you can definitely do that. I can ask around at school to see if there's anyone who has a room they might want to rent, and I know Jess said he was going to put up a sign on the bulletin board at the bookstore he works at. You might want to try the bulletin board at the library, too, or if there's somewhere to post one on campus."

"Ok. Yeah. That's a good idea. I'll do that. Thanks."

Jeremy watched Mallory and Harrison, feeling grateful that he had been able to bring them together, that he had Mallory in his life, and a whole family of people, to rely on for help now. He though back to Jess snapping at Harrison. He wasn't sure what had gone on there, but he hoped it blew over. He believed Jess wouldn't go back on his word to let Harrison stay with them when he needed to, but he wanted more than that. Harrison was his only real friend and he wanted Jess to like him and get along with him.

Mallory was smiling at them. "Ok, so the first step of our action plan is for you to get in touch with your last social worker and check on the status of your dependency case. But, know that if, for some reason, your case was closed before you turned eighteen, it isn't a non-starter. There are still some transitional benefits you might be eligible for as someone who's aged out of the system." Mallory bent down and rooted around in her purse, sitting back up with a small notebook and pen in her hand. "All right, let's make a list of what we need to do here. I feel like it's always easier to think about stuff when it's broken down into manageable tasks."

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Jess looked up from his tea at the sound of footsteps on the stairs, wondering whether it was his girlfriend or his son who was coming down to give him shit about his behavior with Harrison. He watched Jeremy push his way through the curtain at the bottom of the stairs and walk around the counter. The boy gave him a small frown as he took the stool next to Jess's. Luke was in the kitchen filling an order for a group of teenagers that had just walked in. Three plastic containers of takeout sat on the counter in front of Jess, one wrap and fries for Jeremy, another order of each for Harrison, and about two-thirds of a blueberry pie for all four of them to share.

"So." Jess started. "You get kicked out, too?"

"Nope." The boy's frown turned into a small, playful smile. "But, that's probably because I know how to behave around guests."

Jess smiled slightly. "I'm sorry for yelling at your friend." Jess said. He looked down at his now lukewarm cup of tea and ran his thumb over the handle of the mug. "I'll apologize to Harrison, too. I've been in kind of a shitty mood all day, but I shouldn't have taken it out on him." Jess looked up, making eye contact with his son, watching as concern clouded over the boy's face.

"Is everything ok?" Jeremy asked.

"It's fine, nothing to worry about. Just….I don't know, just in a shitty mood, I guess. Are you mad at me?"

"No. I was confused. I think Mallory was, too. I mean, you're not usually such a dick."

Jess barked out a laugh. "Gee, thanks, son."

Jeremy shrugged, his expression serious. "I meant it as a real compliment. Some guys are like that all the time. You're not."

Jess thought about the truth in that statement. The boy wasn't wrong. Some guys were most definitely like that all the time. He had lived with several of them growing up. When he thanked Jeremy again, he was sincere.

"I'm pretty sure you're allowed back up now, you know. They're pretty much wrapping up with their conversation. And, I don't know about Harrison, but I'm getting pretty hungry." Jess watched a grin spread across the boy's face.

"You think once I apologize to Harrison, he'll still feel comfortable enough to stay over?" Jess hated the idea of Harrison leaving without anywhere else to go because he no longer felt welcome.

"Yeah, I definitely think he still wants to. He was worried that you hated him and that he was going to have to find somewhere else to stay tonight, but I told him you wouldn't do that, go back on your word like that."

"I won't."

Jeremy grinned. "I know. You're not like that. Didn't we already establish that you're not a dick?"

Jess returned the smile with a small one of his own. "We did, indeed. I hope you always think that about me."

Jeremy smiled, and laid a hand on Jess's shoulder. "Don't turn into a giant dick and I always will." Jeremy laughed and pulled his hand back. "And, I think Harrison's sorry he upset you, too. He was just freaked out about the group home idea. They can be pretty scary, and he has bad memories of the ones he's already lived in. He didn't mean to be disrespectful to Mallory."

"I know."

"And, Mallory got it. She's really good at communicating with people, like understanding them and making them feel comfortable. She isn't holding it against him."

"Yeah? Do you think she's going to hold it against me?"

Jeremy looked thoughtful. "I don't think so. I think she loves you, and when you love someone you forgive them when they're sorry, even if they've done something..." Jeremy searched for a word. "Kind of shitty."

Jess nodded as he considered Jeremy's statement, feeling on some level that this was one more significant difference between them. Mallory was always in control of her temper. Jess wasn't. He thought about wanting to have a baby with Mallory because he thought she'd make an incredible mother, and he wondered what she thought of him in that respect. "I hope you're right." He smiled at his son as he stood up. "All right. What do you say we head up, then?" Jess gathered the takeout containers from the counter. "I have pie. No one can stay mad at a guy who brings pie, right?"

Jeremy grinned at Jess. "Give me one sec. I just want to stick my head in back and say goodnight to Uncle Luke. I don't want to come down here and not say hi."

Jess thought about what a sweet child he had as he watched Jeremy head toward the kitchen. He hoped he was at least half as good a dad as Jeremy was a son.


	13. Chapter 13 - Still Fucking Up

**Chapter 13 Notes:** Jess and Jeremy work on plans to help Harrison. Some go more smoothly than others. I decided to let the boys get through Thanksgiving before the shit hits the fan regarding Jeremy's drug use. This chapter contains quoted and paraphrased lyrics from Don Henley's song 'Boys of Summer.' Thanks to everyone who is reading and especially to those thoughtful and awesome readers who have left me reviews. I love hearing your thoughts on my story. Knowing there are people who are engaged enough to leave me feedback keeps me writing. Also, I made a tweak to the final conversation in Chapter 12 to include Jeremy asking if Jess was ok after his outburst at Harrison. Leaving this out in the original post had been an oversight on my part, but I realized my mistake when a reader pointed it out. Sometimes I write certain behaviors as self-centered on purpose, but this was unintentional and made Jeremy look less considerate of Jess than I intended him to be at that moment.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls

**Trigger warnings:** Mention of past domestic violence

Jeremy had worked an early Saturday shift at the diner and was out riding his bike and thinking. He wondered how many more times he would be able to take it out before winter set in for good. Even though Jeremy had become more confident on his bike, he didn't want to contend with icy roadways. He had heard customers in the diner talking about the early snow that was expected this week for Thanksgiving. He was looking forward to the holiday, loving the normalcy of having family to spend the day with. He knew last year's holidays, his first with his forever family, would always be a special memory. It felt overwhelmingly good to think that he would have family to be with again, both for this year's holidays and for future ones. The idea that he might have family to spend his holidays with for the rest of his life filled him with warmth even in the chilly November weather. This year Rory would be missing, having decided to prolong her stay in London, again. Jeremy wondered what was going on there, where Rory was staying, if she was still romantically involved with Leelee's father, even though the guy was married. It felt weird to him that Rory could take the idea of being with family for the holidays so for granted that she wouldn't even come home for Thanksgiving. It occurred to Jeremy that the way he had grown up might have actually served him well in one small way. He would never take his family for granted, or miss a holiday with Jess if he could help it. Then he remembered his birthday last year and how excited he had been to spend the evening with Melissa and he felt like a hypocrite, and kind of a jerk. Jess had been understanding about it, but it couldn't have made him feel very good.

No one talked much about it, but he knew it made Luke and Lorelai sad how little they got to see their granddaughter when they had been expecting Rory and Leelee to live with them full time for a while instead of jetting off to spend such long stretches of time in London. When Lorelai had been in the diner a few days ago, Jeremy had asked about Rory only to quickly regret it when Lorelai's normally big smile had faltered for a moment, before she had told him that Rory was working on a freelance project in London for one of Logan's father's publications, but that she had promised to be back in Stars Hollow for Christmas. Jeremy was sad for Lorelai, but not surprised. Jess had told him that he had heard through Chris and Matthew that Rory's book deal with Truncheon, now a subsidiary of Penguin Random House, had not worked out and Jeremy supposed she needed to work somewhere, even though, and no one _really_ talked about this, Jeremy suspected that Rory got a lot of financial support from her own father, her baby's father and possibly her grandmother. But, he got how working and paying for your own stuff felt good. He could understand why Rory would want that, too, but when he had said as much to Jess, the man had rolled his eyes and told him yeah, he was sure that was it.

Jeremy thought about the choices people made that shaped their lives. Rory's choice to keep her daughter around her father, even if it wasn't what anyone in her family would have wanted for her. He remembered how Rory had looked at Logan when he had crashed Jess's birthday dinner and he wondered whether Leelee had been the real reason for all the time she spent in London or whether the baby was a convenient excuse to do what she really wanted to do anyway.

He thought about Harrison's choice to run away from foster care at seventeen to be with a twenty-five year old man, a choice that felt equal parts brave and reckless to Jeremy, and how much more life experience Harrison seemed to have because of it. Jeremy thought back to Thursday night, lying in his bed in the dark listening to Harrison's voice coming from the aerobed a few feet away, talking about how much he missed Mark, missed having a person who was _his person _in a way that no one else had ever really been, not even his own parents.

Jeremy had learned weeks ago that Harrison's mother had been a junkie, in and out of his life during the course of his childhood and his father had just been an asshole from what Jeremy could tell, a man who had been so violent with Harrison's strung out mother one night that a twelve-year old Harrison had bashed on the door of the apartment next to theirs in the middle of the night begging the older couple who lived there to call the police. When Jeremy had heard that story, the image of a preteen Harrison standing in the hallway in his pajamas, frightened and crying, and begging his neighbors to help his mom, begging them to _help, please, he's_ _killing her_, had stuck with him and kept him lying sleepless in bed for nights afterward, wondering if his own life would have ended up differently if his five year old self had gotten up and tried to intervene during his parents' fight instead of cowering in bed doing nothing. If his mother, like Harrison's, might still be alive.

Harrison's father hadn't ended up killing his mother, but when the police showed up, Harrison had been removed and placed in an emergency foster home in the middle of the night. His parents had been an inconsistent presence in his life over the next few years. He had lived with them again for a couple of short stretches of time, two months one time and longer the other time, until things went bad again each time, landing him back in foster placements. His parents sometimes used their visitation time with him, and sometime didn't show up on the appointed day. Harrison's dad had moved to California to start over when Harrison was sixteen. Harrison's mother had gone off the rails after that, not contacting Harrison for a while and then contacting him repeatedly, too frequently, usually when she was messed up and manic, desperate to hear that her baby loved her and that she wasn't alone. Harrison had cut her out of his life when he was seventeen and had replaced his family of origin with Mark. He hadn't spoken to his mother since and he had never heard from his father again after the cross country move.

Jeremy had felt his heart breaking at the idea that Harrison's mother was alive but Harrison had no contact with her. It seemed somehow sadder than his own situation. There was some solace in knowing that not being in his life was out of his own mother's hands, and a measure of relief in telling himself that if she had lived she would have never let him go. Jeremy had thought about asking if Harrison ever wanted to see her again, but he had remembered his conversations with Jess about Liz, how Jess had effectively told him to mind his own fucking business when it came to his relationship with his mother, and Jeremy had learned from that and kept his mouth shut and just listened.

Jeremy had been thinking about all of that, about Harrison's whole life, the other night, when Harrison had told him that one of the things he missed the most was having sex with Mark, and then lying in bed with him afterward, spooning naked and just being held like he was the most important thing in the world to someone, Mark kissing the back of his sweaty head as Harrison drifted off to sleep, feeling loved and safe. Jeremy had felt his cheeks warming and knew he had been blushing in the dark even as he had been impressed with Harrison's maturity. It wasn't that he thought someone had to be particularly mature to have sex. He had known lots of guys over the years who were immature assholes and still had sex. It was more that he saw maturity in Harrison's being able to talk about it openly and honestly, without embarrassment. Jeremy had been silent, thinking about his own sexual experiences, how close he had come with Melissa, but how he remained a virgin with his nineteenth birthday only a month away. He knew he had let the silence go on too long when Harrison had asked him if he knew what he meant.

Jeremy had related to the sentiment of finally mattering to someone since it's how he felt whenever Jess spent time with him or kissed him goodnight, but he knew that wasn't what Harrison was asking, so he had instead answered with _kind of_. Harrison had laughed companionably and asked Jeremy what he meant and if he had ever had sex with a girlfriend that he loved. Jeremy had told him that he had only had one girlfriend and that he had loved her very much, but she hadn't wanted to have sex, that he had never had sex with anyone. Jeremy had felt childish and ashamed saying it out loud, and surprised by his own admission. He hadn't even shared that with Jess, having left his experience with Melissa on the night of his birthday purposefully ambiguous so Jess wouldn't think he was a loser and feel sorry for him. He braced himself to be lightly mocked, but Jeremy had heard Harrison's smile in the dark when he responded, telling him that that was cool, that just meant Jeremy still had one of the greatest things in the world to look forward to. Harrison had gone quiet for a moment then, and Jeremy had stared into the dark, wondering if talking about Mark helped or if it made Harrison miss the man even more.

Jeremy thought back to another conversation earlier that night when they had been alone in the living room after Jess and Mallory had headed back to her place, sitting on the floor, Harrison petting Winston as he told Jeremy how nice Mallory was, how grateful for her help he was, and, surprisingly, how cool it had been that Jess had apologized for yelling at him. Harrison couldn't remember a man other than Mark ever apologizing to him for anything. Jeremy had agreed that it wasn't something he had gotten much of in his life either. Usually, it had been the other way around, with him having to apologize to some man he barely knew, for spilling or breaking something, for being too loud or too quiet, for being disrespectful or for merely looking at someone in a way that had been interpreted as such, sometimes it felt like apologizing for merely existing. They talked about how so many of their past conflicts had been made to feel one-sided, the fault and the blame placed on them alone, even as young children. Jeremy was proud to have a dad who could admit when he had done something wrong and he had liked seeing Jess apologize to Harrison, with a sincere apology, none of that 'sorry if I made you feel bad' shit, but a genuine 'sorry for what I did' apology. He had also liked that Harrison had told Jess he was sorry, too, that he hadn't meant to be rude and that he appreciated Jess letting him spend time at his place and all of Mallory's help, he had just freaked out and lost it a little and he was sorry. Jess had given Harrison the warm, genuine smile that Jeremy never got tired of seeing, the one that never failed to make him feel safe, apparently even when it wasn't aimed at him, and told Harrison that he was welcome anytime and Jeremy had felt his heart swell with love and gratitude for the kind of man his dad was.

The last conversation they had had in the dark in Jeremy's room that night had been prefaced by Harrison saying he had something he wanted to tell Jeremy, but that he didn't want Jeremy to ask him a bunch of questions, because what he was about to say was really stressing him out, and besides, he didn't have the answers anyway. Jeremy had been instantly nervous, but agreed anyway, and listened to his friend fill him in on what had happened when Harrison had been summoned to the bursar's office weeks ago. Jeremy had forgotten all about that, assuming it must have been a minor paperwork problem with his FAFSA and that he would have heard about it if it had been something serious.

Jeremy had felt a ball of stress growing in his stomach as he listened to Harrison explain that he would not be receiving any financial help with tuition because the maximum federal aid that he was eligible for had already been used up by someone else who had applied with Harrison's social security number and stolen identity years ago. The person in the bursar's office had advised him to run a credit report to check if any other loans or credit cards had been taken out in his name and had provided him with the number for a federal government identity theft hotline. So far, he had been putting off doing either because he went into a panic whenever he thought about the situation. He didn't know what he was going to do and he was freaking out. Jeremy had felt a rush of anxiety for his friend, but remembered his promise to not ask questions. He had told Harrison that he was sorry this happened to him and to let him know if he needed any help with anything, that if he did, if he wanted to talk to an adult, like a real adult, about it, he knew Jess or Mallory would be willing to listen and try to help. _Yeah, maybe_ had been the last thing Jeremy had heard Harrison say. He knew sleep likely hadn't come quickly to Harrison that night either, but they had both laid there silently after that, pretending it had, until it finally did.

Jeremy reflected now as he rode through Stars Hollow on how exposed kids were in foster care. How identity theft was so prevalent among foster kids because so many different people from foster parents and social workers, to attorneys and group home staff had access to their personal information and social security numbers. And while Jeremy had met many who were good people, or at least good enough people and not criminals, he knew that not all of them could be described as good at all. Jeremy knew that some were opportunists who preyed on the extreme vulnerability of kids in Jeremy and Harrison's situations. And, it wasn't something the system even warned them about. Jeremy had only learned about the frequency of identity theft among foster children on his own, from an article he had read online when he was researching information on aging out of the system. And most foster kids who had experienced this kind of security breach weren't even aware of it until they had left the system and applied for financial aid for school or their first car loan and found themselves rejected, often left with no one to help them figure out what to do. Jeremy felt his stomach tensing up at the thought. He hated the idea of Harrison having to deal with something like this on his own and, despite the twisting feeling in his gut telling him that maybe he shouldn't, that maybe Harrison wouldn't want anyone else to know, he had told Jess about Harrison's predicament the next day. Jess had promised not to say anything unless Harrison brought it up, but offered to help if Harrison wanted him to. Jeremy reflected on how he used to be able to handle things on his own, or at least think he could when he had to, and how now his first instinct was to talk over the big stuff with Jess.

Jess had squeezed Jeremy's shoulder and grabbed his laptop off the coffee table, pulling it onto his lap and motioning for Jeremy to scoot closer on the couch so that they could look at the screen together. Jess wanted to run Jeremy's credit report, just to be safe. Jess had idly drummed his fingers against Jeremy's jean clad knee as they waited for the report to be generated. It had been fine, with the normal lack of activity expected for an eighteen year old who had never had a credit card or taken out a loan, and Jeremy had thought about how unfair things had turned out, his ending up with Jess and a forever family while Harrison had ended up having his identity stolen while he mourned the loss of the one person he had thought he had had for himself. Jess had given his knee a pat, telling him that they should set Jeremy up with a monitoring service to keep an eye on his credit and get him a credit card to use responsibly so that he could start building his credit history. Jeremy had settled in, letting his head drop to rest on Jess's shoulder as he watched what Jess was doing as the man surfed through credit card websites, nodding along when appropriate, telling Jess, _whatever you think, dad_. Jess had taken the hand closest to Jeremy off the keyboard and reached up to lightly pat the boy's cheek, turning his head to drop a quick kiss in Jeremy's hair, the smile clear in his voice, _that just might be my favorite thing to hear you say, son._

Jeremy laid in bed that night, physically tired from his bike ride, but mentally churning with anxiety. Thinking about everything Harrison was up against, no family, no home, no financial aid. His mind went back to twelve year old Harrison, in the hallway in pajamas begging the neighbors to save his mother. He wondered where Harrison was staying tonight, and what he was thinking about. He wondered if Harrison ever cried himself to sleep when he wasn't sharing a room with Jeremy, the way Jeremy sometimes had before Marty had introduced him to vaping. Jeremy tried every night, now, to calm himself down and fall asleep on his own, but it never worked. If anything, knowing he was trying, cranked up his anxiety even further at the idea that he would fail and lie awake with this thoughts all night. He gave up when thoughts of his own mother took over, picturing his younger self in bed like a coward while his mom was pushed down the stairs. Several minutes later, when Jeremy was reaching into the desk drawer to put the pen away, it occurred to him how much more it took now to relax him to the point that he could get anywhere near sleep, the couple of hits that had worked when he had first started using no longer doing the trick. Jeremy promised himself again to get rid of everything in his little stash tomorrow. Maybe not tomorrow. But, soon, definitely soon. It was time.

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It wasn't the kind of song Jess would ever listen to intentionally. Maybe no one would anymore. It was the kind of old song that someone would catch a snippet of while skimming through radio stations in the car, familiar enough to be recognized with only a few bars of music, or hear playing in the background in a dentist's waiting room, or apparently in the small coffee shop nearest Mallory's place, where Jess had come to pick up Sunday breakfast before she woke up, and now stood standing by the counter waiting for his order. The song hit Jess hard, from the opening lines of desolate imagery, _nobody on the road, nobody_ _on the beach_, the words freezing him in time in front of the display of muffins and danish, instantly taking him back to one of the best memories of his life. He could feel himself in the car with Charisse, Jess behind the wheel as they drove out to south Jersey for a long weekend away from Philly, only a few months into their relationship, when Jess had been somewhere he had never been before, lost in the perfect combination of comfort and attraction, intense love and real faith in the future. Jess had done something out of character and sung the song out loud, free and happy, getting into it without self-consciousness, something he had never done with anyone before or since, really laying into the lines describing the girl in the song with her combed back hair and sunglasses, mirroring Charisse's look, the part about winning her back, showing her what he was made of. Charisse's head back, mouth open, laughing both with him and at him, the wind whipping in the wide open car windows, the long orange ends of the silky scarf tied in her hair dancing in the air between them like the tail of a kite. Everything feeling right. A perfect moment before it had all gone to shit, those feelings out of reach forever, Jess's sun gone down alone. The sheer hopefulness of the memory brought up an embarrassingly intense feeling of grief, and a startling sharp heat behind his eyes. Jess looked desperately toward the young woman behind the counter, watching her take her time making Mallory's latte, and mentally urging her to move faster. It seemed imperative that he got the fuck out of there before he had to hear about brown skin shining in the sun or listen to Don Henley contemplate what happened to their love. He felt dangerously close to being a grown man having a public break down in a coffee shop and it horrified him. The girl finally placed the two cardboard cups and a brown paper bag of muffins on the counter and Jess snatched them up and was out the door on the sidewalk before he realized he hadn't even thanked her.

The two block walk back to Mallory's place felt too short as Jess struggled to reweave the parts of himself that had unraveled in the coffee shop. He knew it wasn't about missing Charisse. Not really, not only. It was the grief over the end of a relationship with someone he had honestly loved and pictured his life with, the sorrow of knowing that the love that had felt so strong and hopeful and perfect at the start hadn't been enough in the end, not even close. And neither had he. He has fucked that relationship up in ways that would have seemed unimaginable to the guy who had serenaded his girlfriend that summer afternoon on the Garden State Parkway. He couldn't pinpoint when his relationship with Charisse had first changed, when her happiness had stopped feeling like the most important thing to him, when fitting in a workout had taken precedence to making her smile. He couldn't explain how they had gone from who they had been on that drive to the shore to the couple they ended up as, Charisse trying to start a family, feeling alone and abandoned, and Jess dragging his feet at every step, thinking only of himself. The evolution of their demise had been gradual to the point of invisible. And, for all that he had grown and changed in the past year, he could still feel the bone deep panic that it could happen again. It almost felt impossible to think that it wouldn't.

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"What about Liz and TJ?" Jeremy asked from the passenger seat.

Jess frowned in confusion as he turned the Mazda onto Peach Street to begin the drive to school. "What about them?"

Jess liked this more than he would admit. That even with a car of his own, Jeremy chose to drive in to their Tuesday class with Jess and take the bus home. The boy had started driving himself on Thursdays so that he could drive Harrison back to Stars Hollow instead of making him pay for the bus, but Tuesday mornings were still Jess's time with his son, for another few weeks, at least. It made Jess sad to think that he and Jeremy would never be in the same class together again once this one ended, and also a little nervous to think about doubling up on classes for the next two academic periods. He had registered for his four spring classes, two at a time for shorter online semesters, a couple of nights ago and he was already having second thoughts and wondering if he had bitten off more than he could chew. He wanted to make sure he still had time for Jeremy and Mallory, but he also wanted to devote enough time to studying to prove to them, and possibly himself, that he could do this whole college thing and do it well.

"They have an extra bedroom." Jess stole a quick glance at his son, who was staring out the windshield in front of him so pointedly that Jess could tell the boy was going for casual and failing. The kid had no poker face. He had likely been building up to asking this question for a while. "And, I was thinking how Mallory said that a lot of kids in the supervised independent living program end up renting a room from someone they already know….so, I was thinking that maybe Liz and TJ would want to rent their extra bedroom to Harrison."

Jess laughed. "I don't think that's a very good idea."

He could sense Jeremy's disappointment even without taking his eyes off the road, and he regretted his laughter and abrupt dismissal of the idea. "Why not?" The boy asked.

"C'mon." Jess tried to keep his tone playful, as if maybe this conversation would go away if he didn't take it seriously. "I thought you guys were friends. I wouldn't wish living with those two on my enemies."

Jeremy frowned. "I'm serious. It would be better than trying to find a floor or a couch to sleep on every night. And, he'd be right here in town so we could still carpool and maybe hang out more."

"Their spare room doesn't even have a bed. Just all those weird, random couches. I don't know if it technically even counts as an extra bedroom." The room they had previously kept as a guest bedroom, the one TJ had told Jess Liz had set up for him in hopes he would stay with them, had become Doula's bedroom and the third bedroom had become a sort of junk room years ago.

"He could get a bed." Jeremy said. "I think they'd be nice to him, maybe a little weird, but nice."

"They'd probably put him to work at the ren faire. Stick in him that Robin Hood costume that TJ tried to get me to wear and make him work the booth. Do you really want to sign him up for that kind of humiliation?"

"He might think it's fun to be around a family."

"A family full of crazy people." Jess responded without thinking and instantly felt a twinge of guilt.

"Doula's not crazy." Jeremy responded.

"Ha!" Jess couldn't resist shooting an amused glance at Jeremy. "So, you admit that Liz and TJ are?"

Jeremy wasn't smiling. "You're being really mature. So, can I ask them?" Jess could tell from the huffy tone of his voice that the boy was getting irritated.

Jess sighed. "I really don't think it's a good idea."

"Are you fucking kidding!" Jeremy's voice rose.

Jess could feel his own defensiveness rising in response. "Hey, calm down."

"Don't tell me to calm down like I'm some stupid, hysterical little kid who can't control himself. You're the one who's acting like a child and not taking this seriously."

"Watch yourself, Jeremy." Jess gave Jeremy an abridged, driver's version of what he thought of as his best stern look.

Jess could tell from the pause that Jeremy was making an effort to get himself under control before he spoke. "Harrison's homeless, Jess. Living with your mother can't be worse than that."

Jess heard the plaintive note underlying the righteous anger in his son's voice and felt like an ass. Liz probably _would_ offer her spare room to Harrison if she thought it would win her good mom points with Jess. But, Jess didn't like the idea of his life becoming more entwined with Liz's, or her somehow having access to his life through Harrison and Jeremy. He knew it was petty and selfish. And, not the kind of roadblock he would want someone to throw in his path if he were homeless. He sighed.

"I guess you can ask, but don't pressure them. They don't even know Harrison. They might not be comfortable with a stranger living in their house. What about if you just tell them about Harrison's situation and see if they offer? Does that sound ok?"

Jess could see Jeremy nod his head out of the corner of his eye. "Yeah, fine."

Jess wanted to blame the bad turn the conversation had taken on Jeremy's moods becoming harder to gauge, Jeremy being easily set off by relatively innocent comments from Jess, but Jess knew this time it had been his fault. He had tried to play off his own discomfort about involving his mother in his life by making light of an idea that could make a world of difference in Harrison's life. Liz and TJ were decent enough people, and it wasn't like Harrison was a little boy who would be dependent on them for food or attention. He was an adult who could take care of himself and only needed a cheap roof over his head and a warm, safe place to sleep, which Liz and TJ were perfectly capable of providing. Plus, Jess could admit they were decent parents to Doula.

"I'm sorry." Jess said. "I didn't mean to sound like I wasn't taking Harrison's situation seriously. Or your suggestion. I just…...get weird about my mother sometimes."

Jess looked over at Jeremy to find the boy's expression neutral. "I know." The boy said quietly. "I get it. It was just an idea."

"It wasn't a bad one." Jess tried for reconciliation. "It might work."

Jeremy nodded. "Maybe. We'll see." He turned toward Jess. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."

Jess smirked. "I wouldn't say you yelled, exactly."

Jess kept his eyes on the road, but could hear the amusement in Jeremy's response. "Then, I'm sorry I swore at you."

"Huh." Jess pretended to give this serious consideration. "I wouldn't say you swore _at _me, more like you swore in my general vicinity."

Jess glanced at Jeremy and saw a small smile on his kid's face. "Well, I'm sorry I asked if you were fucking kidding."

"Yeah?" Jess feigned surprise. "Aww, thanks so much, son. That's so nice to hear. And, I'm sorry I told you to calm down like you're some stupid, hysterical little kid who can't control himself."

That got him a laugh, a small, quick one, but Jess enjoyed hearing it anyway, knowing the tension was broken. They rode in silence for a few moments, until Jess was pulling into the student parking lot and Jeremy spoke. "You're still going to ask him about this weekend after class, right?"

"Nope, sorry." Jess let a playful tone belie his words. "That's the price you pay for talking back to your father."

Jess listened to his son sigh out his annoyance as he maneuvered the car into a parking spot.

Jess turned off the car and faced his son, his expression serious. "I said I would, didn't I?"

"Yeah. It's just…..I really want him to know that this is coming from you, and that you're ok with it."

"I know you do. I get it. And, I'll do it." Jess reached out a hand and cupped Jeremy's shoulder through his peacoat, giving his son a slight shake. "Stop worrying so much, ok?"

The boy gave him a tentative smile, but Jess could see through it to the nervousness underneath. "I'll try. And, you'll wait until we're far enough away from everyone, so no one else hears, right?"

"Huh. I was planning on asking Mason if I could make an announcement in front of the class, but, hey, your idea could work, too."

Jeremy frowned slightly in disapproval, and Jess laughed. "Jeremy, it's not my first day being a person. I actually have about a decade and a half more experience at it than you do. Trust me a little, ok, kid?"

Jess watched Jeremy's expression shift into an uneasy smile. "Ok."

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They had walked him halfway back to where his car was parked, to the point where they needed to turn off toward the cafeteria while Jess continued on to the parking lot. Jess figured this was isolated enough, with a few students walking past, but no one loitering around within earshot. It really wasn't the big deal Jeremy had built it up to be.

"So, Harrison, if you don't already have plans, we wanted to invite you to Thanksgiving with our family. It'll be pretty low key. We usually help out my uncle in the morning. He serves lunch in the diner. And then we'll go over to his place afterward for dinner."

Jess took in the boy's deer in the headlights look. "Oh, uh, that's ok. I don't want to be in the way of your family stuff."

Jeremy shook his head. "It won't be like that. I went last year, way before Jess adopted me, and everyone was really nice to me. No one made me feel like I was in the way."

Jess nodded, wanting to show Harrison he was considering what he was hearing and not just pushing his own agenda. "It's up to you, Harrison. But, Jeremy's right, you definitely wouldn't be in the way. Our family would love to have you there. And, since you're usually at our place on Thursdays anyway." Jess smiled. "It just kind of makes good sense."

Harrison smiled weakly and Jess could tell he was still uncomfortable about committing to the plan.

"You don't have to decide now. You can think it over." Jess thought back to walking in on Jeremy crying on Luke's shoulder in the diner kitchen during last year's meal prep. "I know that holidays can be tough, so no pressure. You can decide at the last minute if you want to, on Thursday morning. But, either way, you're still welcome to stay with us on Thursday, even if you want to do your own thing. I know you work on Wednesday nights, but you could take the bus over to our place after that and stay Wednesday night, too."

Harrison looked a little relieved at that, and Jess felt bad that he hadn't led with that, realizing the boy had likely seen the invitation as either or, celebrate the holiday with a bunch of strangers or find some place else to sleep that night. "Ok. Thanks."

"You might as well just stay over for the whole weekend." Jess turned to include Jeremy in the conversation as well. "I don't know if you've been following the weather, but they're predicting an early nor'easter on Thanksgiving night. The snow is supposed to keep up all day on Friday. It's probably going to be pretty ugly and make getting around kind of tricky, so I'm thinking maybe you should plan on hanging out at our place the whole weekend so you don't have to worry about going back and forth between…..your friends' places." Jess knew from Jeremy that Harrison didn't have many friends and more often than not paid a few different co-workers to let him crash on their couches and floors, but he didn't know how else to word it without being offensive.

"Are you sure that's ok?" Jess couldn't read Harrison's expression the way he could Jeremy's. This kid was more guarded. More like what Jess would expect of a kid who had grown up the way Jeremy and Harrison both had, more like how Jess himself at been at their age.

"It's ok with me. It's ok with you, right, Jeremy?" Jess threw the question to his son.

"Yeah, of course." Jeremy turned toward his friend. "I always like having you over. And, yeah, I mean, I like the idea of you being safe at our place, with the weather and everything…" The boy trailed off, cheeks turning slightly pink, unsure how to continue, shrugging his shoulders instead.

Harrison smiled, but Jess could tell he was still a little uncomfortable. He knew it could be awkward to accept help when you felt like you were only ever on the receiving end. "That would be really amazing. Thank you."

It hit Jess how little he was actually doing to help this child that could so easily have been his in an alternate timeline, if the social worker had brought him a different foster kid, leaving his own son in this boy's shoes. He didn't like the feeling. He wanted to do better.

"Good." Jess smiled. "So, we'll see you on Wednesday night. Let Jeremy know if there's anything in particular you want to eat, ok? I'm going to go out tonight or tomorrow and stock up for the storm."

"Oh, uh, I'm good with anything." Harrison said.

Jess smirked. "Ok, then. Liver and onions all weekend, it is." Harrison huffed out a soft laugh, and Jess looked at Jeremy, taking in the relieved, grateful look on his son's face, the one he lived for, that told him he was doing a halfway decent job as a parent. "You guys have a good rest of your day. Be smart. Learn lots." They both smiled, said goodbye, Harrison thanked him again, and Jess turned to walk to his car, trying to think of anyone he knew who could help Harrison who wasn't his mother and stepfather.

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Jess had put up a notice on the community bulletin board at the bookstore when he started his shift. He knew he might be jumping the gun a little, since DCFS had yet to inform Harrison of how much monthly rental assistance he qualified for, but he was eager to get the ball rolling, so he had kept the notice vague in terms of rent, 'Hardworking, considerate WCC student desperately in need of a room, rent negotiable, see Jess at the register for references and contact details'. He had thought about including Harrison's name and phone number, and leaving himself out of it, but he knew the hook would be in his conversation with any interested parties. He felt he could do a better job playing up Harrison's story than Harrison could. Jess would have no shame about selling the boy as a kid with no family support, struggling to make something of himself, working his ass off to put himself through college despite his inability to find safe and stable housing. He would draw the line at disclosing Harrison's time in foster care to anyone he didn't know well and really trust. He could still remember when he had let Jeremy's history slip in his first conversation with Mallory at the school parents' night. She had already known from Jeremy himself, but he could still taste the instant guilt he had felt at having disclosed Jeremy's personal history without the kid's permission.

Jess knew his eagerness to help Jeremy's friend was somewhat selfish. Harrison would be coming over tonight and staying through the holiday and the weekend. Jess did want the kid safe during the blizzard. His concern for Harrison being out on his own, possibly getting stuck without a place to stay during the storm was authentic. But, he also knew he had painted himself into a corner. After the long weekend, a good parent would invite their kid's homeless friend to stay until he found a place. From Jess's last conversation with Mallory, he knew it would still take a couple of weeks for the approval for his funding from DCFS to go through, nevermind finding someone who wanted to rent a room to a random college kid. And, Jess didn't really want another person in his space, especially right now, when he felt like he and Jeremy and Mallory were bonding as their own little family. It's not like he would dump the kid on the street, he just really wanted to get him a place as quickly as possible. Also, it wouldn't hurt having Jeremy see him being the good guy in the situation, using his connections to help his homeless friend find a place to live. That felt like something solid and concrete, that Jeremy could look back on later in life when he was reflecting on what kind of dad Jess had been. _Hey, dad, remember that time in college that you rescued my homeless friend from a life on the streets?_ Jess knew that Mallory had been much more instrumental in helping Harrison so far, researching resources for him, advising him on what to do, talking to his social worker with him, and comforting Jeremy about his friend's situation. He knew that Jeremy was grateful for all her help. And, he got it. This was the kind of thing that Mallory did for her job. She was good at it. But, Jess wouldn't mind getting to be the hero for a few minutes, the one who was actually able to secure a stable place for Harrison to live, with nice people. And, he had an idea, one that he thought was practically perfect, that had come to him on his walk to work. It was far superior to Jeremy's Liz and TJ idea in terms of living conditions for Harrison and distance from Liz for Jess. He just needed to put it out there, do the asking and get it over with.

Jess was crouched in one of the aisles, reshelving some books that had been taken from their spots and left lying around the bookstore, when Andrew approached, a large, hardcover book in one hand. Jess felt a swirl of nerves in his stomach.

"Hey, Jess. I saw your sign on the bulletin board. Is everything ok at your place? Is Luke throwing you out, or are you throwing Jeremy out? I couldn't tell since you're both WCC students."

"Oh, uh." Jess looked up, slightly off guard, taking in the concern on his boss's face. He hadn't anticipated anyone thinking he was the student in desperate need of a room, but it made sense that Andrew would think that since he knew Jess went to WCC and that he was currently staying at Luke's. Jess turned toward Andrew and rested one knee on the floor for support, unsure if the conversation would be better if he stood or stayed where he was. "Neither." Jess smiled and hoped he didn't look as nervous as he suddenly felt. "Luke is still putting up with me pretty well, and so is Jeremy. I'm actually looking for a room for Jeremy's friend, Harrison. He's a really good kid, in a really tough situation."

Jess took the sympathy on Andrew's face as a good sign to continue the conversation. He knew no one else was in the store and that it was now or never, so he went for the hard sell, trusting Andrew with everything. "Harrison grew up in foster care. He went in when he was twelve. He had a really hard time in the system, and he ran away before he turned eighteen. Jeremy and I met him at WCC and he and Jeremy have become really close friends. Harrison's a good kid. He really wants to be a nurse, and he works his ass off to get good grades even while he works two jobs to take care of himself. He lost his last place to live…." Jess could justify divulging everything Jeremy had told him about Harrison if it made Andrew offer him a room, but he didn't feel right telling him about what had happened with the kid's boyfriend. It still made Jess feel sick when he thought about Harrison coming home and finding him like he had. "A few months ago, and he can't seem to find anyplace else he can afford. He's been staying at our place some nights, and sleeping on some other people's couches and floors, but he's basically homeless. He needs a place to stay for more than a few nights at a time. A bed. Some stability." Jess paused to let the story so far sink in. Good kid. Foster care. Homeless. He could tell by the genuinely sad expression on Andrew's face that he had reached him. Jess shook his head for emphasis and sought out Andrew's parental instincts. "I can't imagine being a kid with no parents, no one at all for any kind of support, and trying to get through college being homeless. He must feel like he's all alone in the world."

Andrew nodded. "That sounds terrible. Poor kid."

"Yeah." Jess agreed, not wanting to oversell.

"I read an article a while back about homelessness among college students. That between tuition and the high cost of housing around campuses, there are lots of homeless college kids living in their cars, or couch surfing like Jeremy's friend. I had pictured the problem being in bigger cities, though. It's crazy to think that housing is so unaffordable even around here. It's so sad to think that some kids work so hard to get to college and have to deal with not having a place to live once they get there. I remember college being hard enough when I lived in a dorm and got to come home every other weekend for home cooked meals and laundry."

Jess could feel how close he was. "I know, right. This kid really impresses me. To keep going like he does, without housing, and without any family or anyone to rely on for anything. That's a lot at any age, never mind at eighteen."

Andrew looked thoughtful. "Is he looking for an apartment? Have you tried talking to Taylor? I'm pretty sure that guy owns the majority of the rentals in this town."

"I haven't tried Taylor yet. Mallory has been helping Harrison to get reconnected with DCFS. I guess he's eligible for rental assistance from them for aging out of foster care. She says it probably won't be enough for a room in an apartment, but that most kids use the rental assistance to rent a room in a house, usually from someone with extra space who doesn't necessarily _need_ the money to make ends meet, but wants to help a kid in a rough situation."

"Oh." Andrew nodded. "That's interesting."

"Yeah, uh….I was actually thinking of talking to you about this."

"You were?" Andrew seemed surprised. "How come?"

"Well, I figured you guys have space, and you and Celeste are both very kind people."

Andrew looked pained, and Jess felt a rush of guilt. "Thank you for saying that, but I'm not sure we would be the right people to take in Jeremy's friend."

Jess wasn't ready to give up. He felt a surge of something akin to low-grade panic at this opportunity slipping through his fingers. "Really? I think you guys would be perfect. I mean, it could be good for all of you, right? I mean, Harrison's this kid without parents, and…..." Jess trailed off not quite believing what he had started to say. He looked down under the guise of steadying the stack of paperbacks near his knee, and when he looked back up, Andrew's expression was closed and Jess knew he had fucked up.

"And, what, Jess?" Andrew's voice was calm and flat, and it unnerved Jess. He was used to getting chewed out by Luke and Liz, people who got more animated with anger, not less.

"I, uh-" Jess felt his mind going blank.

"Harrison is a kid without parents, and Celeste and I are parents without a kid. Is that what you were going to say?"

"I didn't mean-"

"That's why you think we would be so perfect for this? That it would be _good_ for us, too? To have another kid in our home? Maybe it would help us get over Jonathan? Is that what you meant?"

"No, Andrew, I didn't mean-" This time Jess is relieved when Andrew cuts him off, because he has absolutely no idea what to say. He did mean exactly what Andrew was saying, but he hadn't meant to be so blatantly obvious or insensitive about it.

"I think it's great that you adopted Jeremy, Jess. I really do. He's lucky to have you for a parent." Andrew's voice was still calm and even, and Jess kind of wished the man would just yell at him instead. "But, with all due respect you have been a parent for all of five minutes. I raised my son. I was his father for twenty-nine years. Until some asshole with a blood alcohol level of point one nine took him away from me. I have been _mourning_ my son for as long as you've been a parent. I don't need your advice on what would be _good_ for me, or how to heal from something that can't be healed, and I sure as hell don't need you to match me with a replacement child. You know nothing about what I've been through. What I go through everyday. Nothing." Andrew's voice caught on the last word and Jess felt it like a punch to the gut.

Jess knew he should stand up, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He felt like a chastened child. He kept his eyes respectfully on Andrew, but focused on the lower part of his face, unable to meet the man's eye and see the pain he had triggered. "I'm sorry…...I didn't mean that….." The apology sounded weak even to Jess, but his words seem to have abandoned him and he couldn't think of anything else to say. He felt choked up and more than anything he didn't want to make things worse. He thought about how careful he always tried to be when Jonathan's name came up, the flutter of nerves, the fear that he could say the wrong thing and offend. He had never imagined anything as bad as this.

He studied the carpet as Andrew walked hurriedly down the narrow aisle toward him, likely on his way to his office to close himself inside. Jess was startled by a rough, scratching against the shell of his left ear as Andrew passed him. He heard himself emit a reflexive grunt of pain as he knelt on the floor. He raised one hand to his hurting ear and his fingers came away with a streak of blood on them. He heard Andrew stop a couple of feet past him, and turned to see the man standing motionless, tension visible in his rigid posture. Jess watched as Andrew looked down at the book as if surprised it was still in his hand. Andrew spoke without turning around, his voice thick with emotion. "I'm sorry. Sometimes I get clumsy when I'm upset. I didn't mean to do that."

Jess wasn't sure what to say, but Andrew seemed to be waiting for a response. "I know. It's ok." His ear stung, but Jess knew they were far from even for the pain he had brought up for Andrew.

"I need to wrap up a couple of things to send to my accountant and then I'm going to head out early. Are you ok with closing up?"

Jess nodded, then realized Andrew couldn't see him. His voice was hoarse when he answered. "Yes. Of course." He felt a measure of relief that he apparently still had a job, even as guilt pooled in his stomach as he watched Andrew head to the back of the store. He slowly rose to his feet, feeling stiff and tired. He headed toward the restroom to clean up his ear, the shock starting to fade, replaced by the oppressive weight of what he had done, and another more selfish thought, as he wondered if he would ever stop fucking things up like this.


	14. Chapter 14 - Thanksgiving Weekend

**Chapter 14 Notes: ** This chapter is extra long, but with shorter scenes. I probably could have broken it into two chapters and posted one earlier, but I really liked the idea of a chapter of several small snippets (predominantly from Jess's POV) covering the entirety of the holiday weekend. Thanks, as always, to everyone who is reading, following and especially reviewing this story. You guys are very much appreciated!

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls

Thanksgiving morning found Jess and April in the diner setting up for lunch. Jess watched April take an upside down chair off the table next to him and set it upright on the floor, pushing it carefully in against the table. They were expecting a decent crowd this year after Luke, inspired by Harrison's situation, had put up signs in the diner window and on the bulletin board at the library that the Thanksgiving meal would be pay what you can, with free meals for those who couldn't pay anything.

"Hey, April, did you want to be back there with Luke?" Jeremy had asked if he could help Luke with meal prep again this year and Luke had assigned Harrison to help them, probably to make the boy feel more comfortable by not separating him from Jeremy. Jess appreciated his uncle's concern, but he didn't want April to feel left out, banished to the dining room with him when she had taken a bus all the way from Boston to see her father.

The girl smiled and looked his way as she reached for the next chair, Jess doing the same at the next table. "I'm ok out here with you. I'm staying at Chez Gilmore this time so I'm sure I'll have lots of time to be with dad this weekend. Especially with the storm coming. I might be stuck inside having quality time with dad and Lorelai all weekend. This might be my only chance to spend any one on one time with you. Or to interact with the colorful townspeople, and you know how much I like doing that."

"Ok. If you need a break this weekend, feel free to strap a couple of tennis rackets to your feet and come over to the apartment." Jess felt a measure of guilt at not having space for April to stay in the apartment this time around. It had gone from feeling like _their_ place to crash to _his_ place to live and he didn't want April to feel like she had been pushed out.

April laughed, seemingly unbothered by the situation. "You're being weird. I'm fine with staying at dad and Lorelai's. It's not like I'm on the couch or anything this time. I'm staying in Rory's room, so I'll have some personal space, which may help me maintain my sanity and save me from extreme cabin fever if the storm is as bad as they're predicting." Jess watched the girl smile. "Plus, it's kind of cool being around Lorelai when Rory isn't around. She….pays real attention to me, and includes me in stuff more, like we'll make snacks and watch movies together, or do mud masks and paint our nails." The girl shrugged. "It's kind of fun."

Jess had never given much thought to April's relationship with Lorelai. He knew it had historically been better and less acrimonious than his own, but he had never really thought about April feeling shut out by Lorelai when Rory was around. But, she had to have felt it. Jess knew even Luke had felt it over the years when Rory had been around for longer stretches of time, and April was too sensitive and perceptive a kid not to have felt it. He was hit by a wave of sympathy for the girl. He pictured her cute little twelve or thirteen year old self, all red glasses and frizzy hair and science books, shuttling back to Connecticut for one weekend every couple of months, and he wondered how welcome Lorelai had made her feel in her home. The picture was replaced with one he had woken up to early one morning a couple of weeks ago, Mallory and Jeremy sitting at the table, cups of tea between their hands, talking in hushed tones so they wouldn't wake him. But, Jeremy had no competition for Mallory's mothering instincts other than Winston. Jess wondered how much their relationship would change if he and Mallory had a child together, then felt an immediate pang of guilt over not trusting Mallory more.

"Sooooo." April's voice was playful, dragging him out of his thoughts. "Will I get to meet your lady friend today?"

"Huh." Jess pretended to consider this. "Maybe, but only if you promise to behave yourself."

"When is she coming over?"

"She's coming to Luke and Lorelai's for dinner later."

"How come she's not here hanging out with us now?"

"So that she, too, can have the joy of taking chairs off tables?" Jess frowned. "Not every family likes hanging out in a diner as much as our seems to on holidays. She's helping her parents cook right now. Her family does a holiday lunch. Her brother and his wife came in from Boston last night, so she's been hanging out with them this morning."

"Yeah? Then, why aren't you over there?"

"Gee, maybe because my favorite cousin came in from Boston last night and I want to hang out with her."

"Aww, Jess, really?" April asked, thickly laying on the sentiment.

Jess smirked. "Nope, not really."

April huffed out a laugh and landed the chair in her hands on the floor, none too gently. "You're such a jerk!"

Jess chuckled. "I'm actually heading over there in a couple of hours to eat lunch with her family. We're going to come by Luke's later, in time to eat dinner with everybody." Jess thought for a moment. "I could have gone over to her folks' place earlier, but I guess I did kind of want to hang out with you a little. I've got a full house this weekend, and this might be our only cousin bonding time."

April patted Jess on the back as she crossed behind him to the last table that still held upside down chairs. "That's so nice. Having a kid has really turned you into a softie, hasn't it? You're almost as bad as dad now."

Jess scoffed, then smiled. "I wouldn't go that far."

"I would. Like, in the past, you would have thought that. And, I would have, of course, known you thought it, and that you like hanging out with me, but you wouldn't have actually admitted it."

Jess reflected on that. She wasn't wrong. "Being able to own up to your feelings isn't being a _softie_." Jess pronounced the word with disdain. "It's just being an adult."

"Hey, speaking of you being such an adult…..." April lowered her voice, and Jess walked over to hear her and help her with the last table. "Things are still good with you and Lorelai, right?"

Jess rested one hand on an upended chair leg as April leaned toward him across the table. "As far as I know. Why?"

"Nothing. I was just wondering. Lorelai said she's not coming to help serve until later on, and since you said you were leaving later, I was wondering if the two were connected, and if things had gotten…..tense again."

"Oh. That's not because of me. Luke told me that she wanted some alone time this morning before everyone came over." Jess shot a quick glance over his shoulder toward the kitchen. "I think she's taking it a little hard that Rory and Leelee have been gone for so long. I know at one point the plan was for Rory to come back for Thanksgiving, but the plan got changed, again. And, Emily is staying on Nantucket because of the storm." Jess paused. "This might be her first ever holiday without seeing either her mom or her daughter. So, I'm guessing today might be a little sad for her."

"That makes sense. Poor Lorelai." The girl looked genuinely sad for her stepmother.

"Yeah." Jess agreed, thinking about how he would feel if Jeremy were the one choosing the blond dick over him. The thought left him feeling maudlin, and he wanted to lighten the mood. "But, hey, thanks for assuming Lorelai's mood was my fault!"

April grinned. "Anytime! It was my pleasure, really." She turned to walk back toward the counter.

"Hey, April." The girl stopped and looked at him, taking two steps back to put herself across the table from him again. Jess kept his voice low. "Can I ask you for a favor?"

April's expression turned serious and Jess knew she was mirroring his. "Sure, what is it?"

"If Liz and TJ get to Luke's before me and Mallory do, can you make sure they don't say anything stupid to Jeremy's friend? Or to Jeremy himself for that matter?"

April rolled her eyes exaggeratedly. "You're so dramatic! They aren't going to do anything to them. They really like Jeremy."

Jess narrowed his eyes, knowing his stern look didn't work on April like it did on Jeremy, but giving it a shot anyway.

She cracked a smile. "You don't scare me with your super stern dad face, Jess. It just makes you look squinty and constipated."

Jess held in a laugh, but couldn't keep his lips from turning up slightly. "April, I'm serious here-"

She sighed. "Jeez! Fine. I'll keep an eye on them. I'm not sure what exactly you think I can do to keep them from doing whatever it is you think they're going to do, but I'll keep an eye on them and do my best. Happy?"

Jess smiled. "Yep. Thanks. See that, April? Doesn't it feel good to stop being a brat and do something nice for someone else for a change?"

April rolled her eyes again, laughing. "Whatever."

Jess set the last chair on the floor, pushed it in and turned to follow April, slinging an arm around her neck, and pulling her toward his chest in a loose headlock. "Hey, quit it!" She protested, pushing her palms against his side, trying to extricate herself from his hold.

"Not until you say my super stern dad face doesn't make me look constipated. Squinty, maybe, but not constipated."

"Jess!" April yelled. "Let go before I kick your stupid-"

"Hey!" Luke's voice was part stern, part joking. "Don't make me come out there, you two!" Jess released April as he listened to teenage giggling float into the diner from the kitchen, feeling an unexpected surge of bone deep grief at knowing he would never give Jeremy a sibling near enough to his age to have what he had with April. Their getting along had been a stretch with a ten year age gap, but Jeremy would likely be at least twenty years older than any sibling Jess could provide, a complete generation's worth of distance.

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Jess drove toward his uncle's place, still feeling more than comfortably full from lunch at Mallory's parents' house. He had never had two meals to go to on one holiday before and he was starting to worry he hadn't paced himself correctly.

Jess felt a hand on his thigh and glanced over at Mallory in the passenger, taking in the warm affection in her eyes. "You ready to do this again at your Uncle's?"

"I don't know." He answered. "I think I'm stuffed enough to last me for a week right now."

Mallory smirked, and Jess could hear it in her voice while he kept his eyes on the road in front of him. "You didn't have to keep saying yes every time my parents offered you seconds of something. Or thirds. Or fourths."

"True, but then I wouldn't have gotten told what a good boy I am so many times."

Mallory laughed, loud and clear, and it helped Jess push down the unwelcome thoughts that had risen during lunch with her family.

"I'm sorry about that. My mom spends all her time with sick, scared kids and my dad spends his with sick, scared animals. I don't think either of them are aware of how much their bedside manners have bled into the rest of their lives."

Jess chuckled. "They're fine. Now I understand why Winston gets so excited when I tell him what a good boy he is. It's very…" Jess pretended to seriously consider his choice of words. "Reassuring to have someone appreciate your moral character enough to comment on your goodness."

Mallory barked out another laugh. "Yeah, they can be a bit much."

It amused Jess that Mallory saw her parents as requiring an apologetic disclaimer. In Jess's mind, they were pretty close to perfect. Intelligent, funny, successful and socially appropriate. A Korean-Jewish version of Cliff and Clair Huxtable. And, always warm and welcoming to the high school dropout, community college student dating their daughter, no matter how they must really feel about him.

Jess didn't know how much of what he was thinking was true and how much was coming from his own insecurities. There had been one moment during lunch that had embedded itself in his mind, to be taken out and analyzed over and over, whenever he was questioning his worth as a partner. Mallory's brother Daniel, who had been friendlier and more jovial than Jess had expected for an accountant, had been telling them about attending his and his wife's fifteen year college reunion in October, how old it had made him feel. Mallory's sister-in-law Megan, a biology professor at a university in Boston, had agreed, making light of herself as part of the crowd of 'almost middle aged' people regressing in maturity levels and fooling themselves into thinking they were young again for the weekend. Her smile was warm and inclusive as she turned to Jess, asking if he had suffered the college reunion experience yet. Instead of just saying no, Jess had felt compelled to explain that he hadn't gone to college after high school, and that he was in school now. He could tell they were surprised but they handled it well, asking what school he was going to, how he was liking it and what he was taking, Megan making an 'aww' noise and telling him how cute it was that he was in class with his son. Their reaction hadn't bothered Jess. They had seemed like nice people, he had gotten along well with them, and Jess didn't get the impression that they would hold a late in life education against him. It had been the too bright smile on Mallory's face while she watched her brother's reaction to Jess's disclosure that would stay with him. The smile that said she was willing something to be fine when she really believed it wasn't. He trusted Mallory. He believed she loved him, that she felt a strong attraction toward him and was looking ahead to a future with him. He believed all of that was true. But, a new thought had been born as he watched her smiling that wide smile that didn't quite touch her eyes. Part of her was embarrassed by his lack of education. Part of her felt that she was settling.

"Hey, I like your parents." Jess said. "They're great. But, I don't know them that well yet, and I didn't want to look rude. So, yeah, I said yes to everything your parents put in front of me and now I can barely keep my pants buttoned."

"Aww." Mallory took her hand off his leg and gently caressed his jawline with the back of her knuckles, the way Jess had sometimes seen her stroke Winston's muzzle. "You really are a good boy."

Jess trapped her wrist between the fingers of his right hand, without taking his eyes off the road. He gently moved her hand in front of his face and kissed her wrist. "Huh. It kind of turns me on a little when you say it."

Mallory laughed and Jess kissed her wrist again, trying to pull himself out of his own head, telling himself not to look for problems where there weren't any, not to sabotage this amazing thing he had been given whether he thought he deserved it or not.

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The door was unlocked and Jess held it open letting Mallory enter Lorelai's house before him, thinking as he did what a strange thing it was that the gesture was considered chivalrous when it was really akin to throwing a woman to the lions first. The thought was only reinforced as Liz swooped down on Mallory and crushed her into an exuberant hug.

"Oh, my gosh, honey, you look beautiful! I'm so glad to see you two!" Jess listened to Liz greet Mallory, feeling a deep down part of him that had been open and hopeful with Mallory's family shut slightly in the presence of his mother. He hated that he went into a sort of self-preservation mode around the woman, hated that she still had any effect on him at all.

"Hey, Jess! Hey, Mallory!" TJ walked out of the living room with a beer in one hand, looking to Jess like it wasn't his first. But, at least he had gotten Mallory's name right. "It's about time you two got your asses over here. I'm starving and Luke wouldn't let us start without you."

"Hey, TJ. Where's April? I want her to meet Mallory."

"April!" TJ shouted much too loudly for the small space.

"Gee." Jess mused. "Why didn't I think of that?"

Luke came out of the kitchen then, wiping his hands on the diner apron still wrapped around his waist, Jeremy and Harrison trailing behind him. "April and Doula took the dogs for a walk before dinner. We'll eat as soon as they come back." Luke smiled broadly and stepped toward Mallory, who politely extricated herself from the arm Liz had left wrapped around her to hug Luke.

"Hi Luke! Thanks so much for having me." Mallory smiled broadly as she pulled back from Luke. Jess loved watching her put people at ease, even Luke, who was not typically a hugger of people he hadn't known for at least a decade or so, Jeremy being the exception.

"Thanks for coming, Mallory." Luke said. "I know you guys already ate at your folks', so there's no pressure here, I promise. But, before you leave, I'm going to pack you and Jess enough leftovers to get you guys through the blizzard."

"That's so sweet, Luke." Mallory smiled. "I don't want to speak for Jess, but I think I'm just about ready for round two. It smells too amazing in here to not eat."

"That's good to hear." Luke turned toward Jess. "I knew I liked this one, nephew." Jess smiled as Luke pulled him into a quick one-armed hug, receiving one solid pat on the back before he was released.

"Yeah." Jess agreed, his tone playful. "I like her all right, too."

"Just like Lorelai, this one." Liz said, gesturing toward Mallory. "Can put it away and still have the tiniest little figure."

Jeremy approached Jess and Jess gave his son a quick hug, and addressed both boys with a "Happy Thanksgiving, guys. Luke still putting you two to work?" thinking that was sufficient since it had only been a few hours since he had seen them last. As Luke responded with how great it was to have helpers in the kitchen, Jess watched Mallory greet Jeremy and then Harrison with equally big hugs, and he wondered if he was supposed to be hugging Harrison at this point, too, the parentless child practically lived in his house. The obvious things weren't always obvious to him, and he felt like he missed his chance, that he would only make things awkward for both of them if he moved in for a hug now. He took a closer look at both boys then. Jeremy looked happy, but in a distinctly cat that ate the canary kind of way that made Jess instantly suspicious. And, Harrison looked a little apprehensive, but that Jess understood, meeting Liz and TJ for the first time could have that effect on a person.

"Hey, where's Lorelai?" Jess asked.

"Oh, she went for a walk. She should be back soon." Luke said it casually, as if it were a normal occurrence.

"With April and Doula? To walk the dogs?" Jess was puzzled. He had never known Lorelai to go for a walk that didn't have food at the end of it and since dinner was at her house tonight, it didn't seem to make sense.

"No. By herself. Just a walk." Luke's tone was terse and Jess realized the man didn't want to talk about it. Luke nodded as if agreeing with something that hadn't been said. "She'll be back soon."

TJ leaned conspiratorially toward Jess, the volume of his voice making the gesture unnecessary. "Your uncle and Lorelai got into a bit of a lovers' spat-"

"TJ! We did not!" The annoyance was clear in Luke's voice before he turned back to Jess and Mallory. "Hey, let me take your coats. Make yourselves comfortable. Can I get you guys something to drink?"

There was something unsettling about watching Luke play host all by himself.

"Sure." Mallory said as she started to slide herself out of her wool coat. "Do you have any red wine?"

Jess shrugged out of his own jacket and reached out to take Mallory's. "I'll take care of the jackets and get us drinks, Luke."

"Ok, thanks, nephew." Luke looked back toward Jeremy and Harrison. "You guys mind setting the table? I just need to finish a couple of things in the kitchen."

No one had moved more than a step in their assigned direction, before Liz spoke. "Jess!" The hopeful enthusiasm in Liz's voice pulled at Jess's heart. He hated that she could still have this effect on him, too. "We have big news! I promised April we'd wait until she got back to tell you, but I'm not sure I can wait any longer. It's so exciting!"

Mallory smiled expectantly at Liz as if waiting for an announcement that might actually be exciting instead of crazy. Jess noted Jeremy's smile widening at Liz's announcement and he wondered what was going on. Just then, there was a racket of boots on the porch, followed by the front door opening as April and Doula entered the house laughing, gloveless hands in the cold, moving quickly as they signed to each other, Paul Anka and Winston at their feet. April unclipped Winston's leash and the dog rushed over, tail wagging as he excitedly greeted Jess, who bent to pet him, tuning out his mother as he told Winston what a good boy he was.

"You didn't tell him yet, did you?" April asked.

"Not yet, sweetie. We were waiting for you girls to get back." Liz signed as she answered April and Jess internally groaned at her phoniness when the woman had clearly been about to spill whatever announcement she wanted to make a minute ago, April or no April. Liz turned to Jess, positively beaming. "Guess what, honey? Jeremy's friend Harrison is going to come live in our spare bedroom! Isn't that great?"

The shock knocked Jess's guard down and left him vulnerable to his mother's effusive bear hug, his coat and Mallory's still in his arms, crushed between their bodies. He saw Jeremy over Liz's shoulder, the boy grinning like a idiot until their eyes met, then his smile fading into worry, the opposite happening when Jess shifted his eyes to Harrison, the trepidation the boy had been wearing all over his face turned to a look of polite gratitude as he made eye contact with Jess.

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Jess sat through dinner, trying to hide the tension he was feeling, knowing he was likely being an ass for feeling the way he was to begin with. He listened to Liz continually trying to shift the conversation away from April's stories about work and dating in Boston, Lorelai's stories about Michel's antics at the inn, and Doula describing her project on the solar system, back to herself and TJ taking Harrison in under the guise of wanting to be prepared for his arrival, asking what he liked to eat, what he had for stuff, but mostly tsk-ing at how no one else in the community had stepped up to help him and basking in her own generous spirit and the boy's consistently polite thanks. Jess felt bad for the kid and kept stepping in to redirect the conversation away from their guest, but Liz was relentless.

After dinner, Jess dragged April outside with him to take Winston and Paul Anka for a bathroom break, turning his annoyance on her as soon as they stepped off the porch. "Did I not ask you to watch her?"

"Hey, there was nothing I could do!" April protested, her tone light, her eyes on Paul Anka, watching the dog sniffing along the grass at the end of his leash. "You know what she's like better than anyone."

"How the fuck did this happen?"

The girl shrugged, her amusement clear on her face. "I'm not entirely sure. Jeremy was outside with the dogs when Liz and TJ first arrived, Doula ran inside to find me, but Liz and TJ didn't come in for a while. I saw the three of them through the window. They were talking on the front lawn for a while. Harrison was helping Luke in the kitchen. Lorelai and I were enjoying a glass of wine on the couch while the menfolk toiled in the kitchen, as per usual at Chez Gilmore. When they came inside, Jeremy introduced them to Harrison, and Liz just went for it, telling him he could stay at their place. That they would love to have him. That any friend of their grandson is a friend of theirs." April barked out a laugh. "And, you'll love this. Liz went on and on about how important education was, what a big supporter she was of education for disadvantaged youth, how she still gets teary when she thinks about you not graduating high school after all the trouble she went through as a single mom to raise you and instill a love of learning in you." April cracked up. "It was pretty great. I'm sorry you missed it."

"Jesus Christ."

"Yeah, Harrison looked a little horrified. They are a lot to take."

"No shit, that's why you were supposed to keep an eye on things."

"Um, your mom is quite a force to be reckoned with. I'm not sure what I could do." She shrugged. "Oh! I forgot one thing! Luke was saying how great it was of Liz and TJ to let Harrison live with them. That he and Lorelai would have offered him their spare room, except that Rory still uses it sometimes, and Lorelai got all kinds of weird. She was like, Rory doesn't _use it sometimes_, it's Rory's _room_, it's where _she lives_. And dad was all, I know it is, I was just saying _if, if_. And, Lorelai was like, there's no _if_, Rory _lives here_. And, dad kept trying to explain what he meant." April shook her head fondly. "I love the guy, but I swear, he never knows when to cut his losses. It was this really awkward moment. I felt bad for Harrison being there for that. But then TJ started making jokes about how dad and Lorelai shouldn't have a couple's fight in front of the kids, which annoyed both dad and Lorelai who basically told him to shut up. It was pretty funny."

"Yeah, it sounds awesome." Jess's voice was flat and emotionless, and he knew he was probably being a jerk.

April studied Jess closely for a moment. "Hey, you're not actually mad about this, are you?" She lowered her voice. "I mean, Harrison is _homeless_, Jess. And, now he has somewhere to live, with…..unique, but….not unkind people. This is a good thing, right? It has to be."

Jess realized this was something he would need to suck up with good grace or risk looking like the villain to Liz's hero. "Yeah. Yeah, of course it's a good thing. I'm not mad about Liz giving Harrison a place to stay. It's just…" Jess knew from experience that there was no good way to make anyone understand the complexity of his feelings for his mother. "I mean, did you hear her at dinner? She made that poor kid thank her about a million times!"

April laughed. "Yeah, she definitely has her own idea of socially acceptable norms. I'll give you that much."

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Lying in bed that night, over the background of unintelligible dialogue from the movie Jeremy and Harrison were watching in the living room, Jess told Mallory about the conversation he had had with Andrew that was still weighing on him. Mallory's face, inches from his in the dark room, remained solemn and concerned as she listened, wincing slightly as Jess finished the story. "So, now I feel like complete shit. I keep thinking about what I did, and holidays are hard anyway. I can't imagine how much harder they are for the parent of a dead kid. And, I had to go and dump this on him now. I just really wanted to help Harrison, and I honestly thought that having Harrison around would be kind of nice for Andrew, too. I keep replaying the conversation in my head and I feel like such an asshole." Mallory reached out a hand to gently stroke the side of Jess's hair. He closed his eyes for a moment, lingering in her touch. "God, I suck."

"You don't suck. It's just-" Mallory paused and Jess opened his eyes, taking in the thoughtful expression on her face.

"What?" He asked.

"I'm just trying to think of the best way to say something that I've learned from my job." She paused again, and Jess watched her silently, not wanting to rush her. "Helping someone can be hard. Helping someone who's asking for help is pretty straightforward, like Harrison wanting a place to live. Wanting to help him find a place to live is fairly straightforward task and one that you know he was on board with." Mallory carded her fingers through the hair at Jess's temple, and Jess felt himself relaxing a little. "But, helping someone who hasn't directly asked for help, like Andrew in this situation, is much trickier, mostly because it involves an element of thinking you know better than the other person in regards to what they need, or what would be _good_ for them. My mentor at the school I interned at when I was still in grad school told me once that instead of seeking to help, I should seek to not do any harm. That really resonated with me, and stuck with me all this time. It's so easy to do harm without meaning to. People are sensitive and have so many triggers and insecurities. Sometimes it's very difficult to help. I find that if I focus on the not doing harm part, my helping falls into place in a better way."

Jess was studying Mallory closely, listening to her words and soaking up her earnestness and affection. "I love you so much, Mal." His voice was a hoarse whisper, and he couldn't quite pinpoint why something inside him hurt.

She smiled then, small, almost relieved looking, and Jess wondered if she had had doubts about how he would receive what she told him. One hand still played with his hair. "I love you, too."

"You would be such an amazing mom."

Her smile widened at that. "Yeah? Do you ever think of fostering another kid?"

Jess was surprised. They hadn't talked about children yet, not in any serious way, but Jess had assumed they were on the same page, and that his next child, their child together, would be a biological one. "Not really. I mean, I'm open to it, I guess. I certainly did pretty well for myself the first time around with a foster kid. But, I kind of thought we could make a teeny-tiny little hybrid of you and me." Jess didn't get the smile he had expected, and rushed ahead, aiming for playfulness to keep this moment from having too much gravity, or leading to an irrevocable digging in of heels. "I mean, let's be honest, we would create one shockingly good looking kid." The thought hit him of how right it would serve him to have this relationship end due to family planning decisions, too, but this time with him the one left in the position of wanting.

Mallory smiled at that, before her expression turned serious. "Not everyone can do what you did, Jess. Love a child who isn't their own. Provide a permanent and loving family to a teenager who doesn't have anyone else in the world. That's something very special."

Jess knew not to take it for the compliment it appeared to be at face value. He knew there was more coming.

"I guess I think the people who are special enough to love someone else's child should, because not everyone can. I think I could do it, too. I can already feel that with Jeremy. I think we could do it so amazingly well together."

"Have you, uh, have you always wanted to do that? To foster or adopt?" Jess asked, wanting to know the magnitude of what he was dealing with.

"I've thought about it, sure. I'm thirty-three, and I haven't had a real relationship in years. I thought if I got to my mid to late thirties and wasn't with someone I would look into fostering on my own."

"But, you are with someone." Jess felt like an idiot as soon as the statement was out of his mouth.

"I know. And, getting to know you and Jeremy, really talking to Jeremy about what his childhood was like, and now meeting Harrison, and seeing firsthand how hard it is for a kid who ages out on their own, without a family. I don't know….I just feel like I, we, could make a really rough life a little better for another kid or two out there who might be crying themselves to sleep right now because they feel hopeless and alone. I'm not saying we could fix everything for them, I know it doesn't work that way, but maybe we could keep them from more hurt. Is that something you would be into at all?"

It was and it wasn't. Having grown up without a blood relative that he was close to, Jess couldn't deny that he liked the idea of sharing a genetic relationship with his child. At the same time, he had often reflected on Jeremy being easier to love because of the way he didn't resemble Jess at all, and how much harder it might be to see the undesirable aspects of his own personality reflected back to him in his child. Lying there with Mallory, watching the dampness in her eyes shine with reflected light from the dim glow of the streetlamp outside, feeling nothing but overwhelming love for the woman in front of him, saying yes felt like the truest option. He nodded his head slightly against the pillow. "I think that's something I could get behind. But, just-" He felt himself getting choked up and paused to collect himself, speaking in a low voice to camouflage the emotion in his voice. "The next one needs to be younger than Jeremy was. I want more time. It just-" He took another steadying breath. "It all goes by so fast."

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Jess was sitting in Luke's armchair with a cup of chamomile tea at around two in the morning, a knit blanket draped over him as he watched the snow fall through the window. He wasn't exactly sure what had woken him up. He had lots of stressors to choose from, the unresolved situation with Andrew, learning that Mallory didn't particularly want to have his baby, and his mother, who was pretty much always on his mental list of shit he didn't want to deal with. But, this sleepless night didn't necessarily feel bad. It had been a busy holiday and he was enjoying having a moment alone with his thoughts while the rest of the his household slept. He heard the doorknob to Jeremy's room slowly being turned and looked toward the noise. The only thing that would make this moment better would be a moment alone with his son.

Harrison emerged instead and Jess put on his warmest smile, not wanting the boy to feel uncomfortable, knowing it must be hard not to when the kid was living in another family's space like this.

"Hey." Jess kept his voice low, barely above a whisper. "Couldn't sleep?"

Harrison froze. "Oh, uh, sorry. I didn't realize anyone was up."

"It's ok. Is everything all right?"

Harrison hadn't taken another step. "Yeah, I just, uh, don't feel that good, but I'm fine. I can just go back to bed." The boy took a step back toward Jeremy's room.

"Hey, Harrison, you don't have to do that. Come sit down." The boy obliged, perching gingerly on the couch. "What's wrong? Headache? Stomachache?"

"Uh, my stomach. I think I ate too much."

Jess huffed out a quiet laugh. "You and me both."

"I'm not really used to eating as much as I did today. I don't think I normally eat that much in a week."

It could have been a joke anyone might make after a huge holiday meal, but Jess met it with a serious nod in case it wasn't. "Do you want a cup of tea? It might help settle your stomach."

"Oh, uh, that's ok."

"A glass of water then? Hot chocolate? A shot of whiskey?"

Harrison laughed softly.

"C'mon. I feel like I should get you something." Jess persisted.

"Maybe tea would be good. But, I can get it myself."

Harrison started to rise, but Jess was already up, laying the blanket on the chair behind him and heading to the kitchen, his own half full mug in one hand. "I got it. I need to top mine off, anyway."

Two microwave minutes later, Jess returned with two steaming cups of tea, setting one down on the coffee table in front of Harrison.

"Thanks, Jess."

"Yeah, no problem."

Harrison picked up his mug with both hands and took a tentative sip.

"The snow started. Did you see that?" Jess asked, mostly for something to say, wanting to show that he was up for conversation and companionship if Harrison was in need of some.

The boy obediently turned to look out the window, taking in the thick flakes seemingly falling in sheets of white. "Oh, yeah. It looks serious out there."

"It definitely does not look like snow that's messing around, that's for sure." Jess agreed. He had learned this much from his early conversations with Jeremy. To get a kid talking, you basically just had to talk. And, what you talked about didn't always matter. He knew that sometimes his presence as a caring adult was more important than the content of the conversation.

Harrison turned back toward Jess. "It's really nice to be here this weekend. I want you to know how much I appreciate everything you've done for me. Letting me stay over so much, feeding me, and now with your parents. It's so incredible that they're willing to help me out like this when they don't even know me. I just…...I just really want to say thank you for everything you've done for me."

Jess thought about how little he had actually done for the kid in front of him and felt a measure of guilt at the thanks he was receiving. "It's my pleasure, Harrison. Jeremy and I really like having you here. And, I want you to know that after you move in with Liz and TJ, whenever you need a break from them." Jess smiled so he wouldn't scare Harrison too much. "And, trust me, you _will_ need a break from them, you'll always be welcome over here. I don't ever want you to feel like you can't come by if you want to, ok?"

The boy nodded, a small smile on his face. "Ok. Thank you." He paused. "I'm really glad I met Jeremy this year. Both of you, really."

"I'm glad we met you, too. I know Jeremy really values your friendship."

Harrison let out a soft breath. "I really value his, too. More than any other friendship I have. Not that I have any other real ones. It's just been so awesome to be able to talk to him and have someone who understands, or at least understands more than pretty much anyone else I know."

Jess knew the last part had been tacked on because of how their roads through foster care had diverged. Jeremy could understand the pain of being in the system, but not aging out alone. Even though Jess knew Jeremy had lived in fear of the concept for most of his adolescence, he had been spared actually experiencing it and for that Jess was grateful. Thinking about Harrison's situation tugged at Jess's heart. "I think he likes that, too."

They sat quietly and sipped their tea for a few moments. Harrison scratched at the side of his head thoughtfully.

"So, uh, do your parents really work at a Renaissance Faire? I couldn't tell whether Lorelai was joking when she said that."

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On Friday morning Jess checked his phone. No text from Andrew telling him the bookstore was closed. The blizzard was still going full-force, so it wasn't like Jess couldn't figure it out for himself, but he thought he might get something from Andrew. They had closed for bad weather once back in February, and Jess had woken to a text from Andrew telling him to enjoy his snow day followed by emojis of a snowflake and a smiling snowman. The same text today would have felt reassuring, that maybe things weren't as bad as he'd thought, that he still had a job and that Andrew didn't hate him.

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By Friday evening, Jess was starting to feel sympathy for Jack Nicholson's character in The Shining. Jess had been looking forward to a cozy weekend with his son and girlfriend, but he was starting to feel more cooped up than cozy. The snow had continued to fall heavily all day, and the wind was brutally beating against the sides of the house, rattling the windows. They hadn't lost their power yet, so Jess knew he shouldn't complain, but the apartment was not set up for four people and one dog to spend this much time closed up in together.

The day felt like a continuous loop of reading, shoveling a quick path down the stairs and onto the grass for Winston to relieve himself, nibbling at the leftovers Luke had sent them home with, and trying to get comfortable at the table with a book while the boys were watching television, or brief bouts of G-rated snuggling on the couch with Mallory when Jeremy and Harrison were doing homework at the table.

He wasn't sure if it made him a shitty parent, but he kind of wished that he and Mallory had made it to her place last night. This was the perfect weekend to have spent at her condo, where their continuous loop of boredom-repelling activities would have involved lazy cuddling, not-so-lazy sex, and reading or watching movies naked as they snuggled close together under the quilt on her couch. The thought had occurred to him after they had returned from Luke and Lorelai's the previous night, but the idea of deserting his son when it was still technically a holiday had felt decidedly un-parental and wrong. So, now he paid the price.

"Hey, Jess?"

Jess closed his book and looked up from his spot on the couch, Mallory sitting sideways against the opposite end, her wool sock covered feet in his lap, his non-book-holding-hand idly massaging them. Jeremy and Harrison were watching him from the table, smiling. "Hey, Jeremy."

Jeremy's smile widened. "Do you guys want to play Scrabble?"

Jess placed his book on the coffee table and looked toward Mallory who was smiling and closing her own book as she pulled her feet back from Jess's lap to get up.

Jess started to stand. "I thought you'd never ask."

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Saturday was Jess's day off this week, but the first thing he did upon waking was pick up his phone from his nightstand and check his messages anyway, looking for word from Andrew on the status of the store reopening. Snow was still falling, but it was much lighter and Jess could tell the worst was over, just maybe not for him. He had no texts. He sighed and laid his head back on the pillow, staying in bed didn't feel as inviting now that he was worrying about his situation with Andrew. Plus, the other side of his bed was empty, which always made lazing around in it significantly less fun. He could hear the shower running and assumed that was Mallory. He heard the door to Jeremy's bedroom creak open, one set of stocking feet pad into the living room accompanied by a set of toenails tapping against the hardwood floor, the bedroom door being closed softly behind them. Jess smiled as he got out of bed, looking forward to some time alone with his boys.

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"Hey, boy!" Jess greeted Winston, keeping his voice low to not wake Harrison, as the dog excitedly ran over to Jess to say good morning. He stooped to pet the dog, rubbing his head. "Who's my good boy? Who's a good dog?"

"Hey, Dad." Jeremy poured Winston's breakfast into his bowl on the floor. He picked up the water bowl to refill.

Jess walked up behind his son at the sink, playfully tousling the kid's hair and using his talking to Winston voice. "Who's my other good boy? Huh? Who's a good boy?"

Jeremy laughed and tried to shrug away from Jess's manhandling while still holding the bowl under the running tap. "Someone's in a good mood this morning."

Jess cupped the side of Jeremy's head and tipped it down slightly so he could land a kiss in Jeremy's hair. "Of course, I'm in a good mood! Getting to hang out with my boys always puts me in a good mood. I've missed you guys."

Jeremy laughed again as he placed Winston's water bowl on his placement by his food bowl, the dog undistracted from his breakfast.

"You say that like you haven't been stuck in this apartment with us for the past twenty-four hours." Jeremy smiled.

"I know, but this is different. I like having you guys all to myself sometimes."

Jeremy leaned a hip against the counter, his expression turning serious. "While we have a moment alone, I just wanted to check in with you about the stuff from Thanksgiving, with Liz. You're ok with this, right? With Liz and TJ renting a room to Harrison? I mean, all I did was get them alone and explain the situation. Liz offered." Jess nodded, watching his son, feeling his happy mood dampening a little, but knowing he was being stupid and selfish.

"I'm fine with it." Jess tried to sound honest and reassuring. He really was fine with it in a big picture sense. It would save Harrison a lot of hassle, maybe even make the difference in whether the boy was able to stay in school or not. It just meant letting Liz a little further into his and Jeremy's life, letting her do something unequivocally nice, something he couldn't pick apart, that he would be required to listen to her congratulate herself on for a long time to come. He could still hear her at Thanksgiving dinner, going on like she was Mother Teresa, rubbing her kindness in his face, inadvertently pushing all his still-sensitive childhood buttons. But, that was on him. He wouldn't wreck this for Harrison or make this awkward for Jeremy. He was a grown ass man and he could deal with things not working out exactly as he wanted them to. That was life. Overall, this was a very good thing for Harrison.

Jeremy looked unconvinced, and maybe a little worried. "You said you were ok with me bringing it up to Liz and TJ. That's all I did. They offered."

"I'm ok with it, seriously." Jess put a hand on Jeremy's shoulder as he collected his thoughts, knowing he needed to give Jeremy something more to get the kid to believe him. "My mother drives me crazy. She has for as long as I can remember. She probably always will. But, this is a nice thing she's doing, here. TJ, too. Read my lips." Jess spoke slowly, emphasizing each word. "I. Am. Fine. With. This. Got it?"

Jeremy nodded, a small smile on his face, responding with matching cadence. "Oh. Kay."

Jess laughed. "I need a hug, smart-ass." Jeremy took a step in and Jess pulled him into a warm hug, feeling the boy's arms snake around his sides and back. He cupped the back of his son's head, holding him tightly. "See? This right, here? This is what I've been missing."

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By Saturday afternoon, the snow had stopped and the digging out was underway. The boys were helping Luke shovel out the diner, which meant Jess had his first real alone time with Mallory all week. Jess padded into the kitchen, in bare feet and a pair of pajama pants, a hoodie thrown on over his bare chest, moving quickly to grab a couple of bottles of water from the counter and get back under the warm covers for some post-sex cuddling with Mallory. The power had flickered off twice briefly on Friday night, but it hadn't gone out for real. Neither had any pipes burst, requiring them to dig into the emergency water supply still stacked in the hallway. Overall, a little cabin fever aside, they had survived the storm in one piece.

As Jess turned to head back to his bedroom, he caught a glimpse of Jeremy's blue knit hat through the window and walked over to get a closer look. Jeremy, Harrison and April were shoveling the sidewalk below him, working companionably, in closer proximity than probably made sense, but even though Jess couldn't hear what they were saying, he could tell they were enjoying each other's company. Jeremy shook his head and said something that Jess couldn't make out, and Jess watched Harrison grin and April laugh. Luke was standing nearby, the handle and half his shovel protruding from the snowbank next to him, smiling indulgently as he listened to Kirk, who was holding Petal in his arms like a baby.

The sight made Jess feel torn. On one hand, he wanted to be out there, shoveling along with them, bonding with Jeremy and April and Luke, making that memory. But, the other part of him desperately craved a solid chunk of alone time with Mallory, making an entirely different kind of memory. Balancing the two people that he loved most felt taxing sometimes, and usually left him wondering if he was making the right choice. Jess shivered as he felt the cold draft through the old window. He turned and hurried back to his room. He'd let himself have a little more time with Mallory. Then he'd suggest going outside to join the others. He was pretty sure Mallory would be up for it.

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By Saturday evening, the day's worth of bright sun had melted some of the snow, and the roads had been plowed clear enough for travel. By the time Jess and Mallory had gotten outside, the sidewalk around the diner was mostly clear and they had helped shovel out Jeremy and Jess's cars before heading over to Luke's as a group to shovel out the length of Lorelai's driveway. The kids could have gone out at this point. Mallory could had asked for a ride home. It amused Jess that they were all still voluntarily spending the evening together in the same one room they had spent the past two days in, Jeremy and Harrison with laptops open, working at the table, and Jess and Mallory sitting on opposite ends of the couch, reading, Mallory's feet in Jess's lap.

Jess's phone vibrated on the coffee table, the noise startlingly loud in the quiet.

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Jeremy looked up at the sound, watching Jess answer his phone.

"Hello." Jeremy suspected from the forced quality in Jess's voice that the caller was Liz. "I remember…...yeah, they're pretty excited. Let me know if you need help buying a bed or anything. You can't just stick him on one of those couches, you know that, right-...Are you serious?...Jesus Christ, Liz!" Jeremy felt his stomach clench at Jess's raised voice. He watched Jess stand up and head toward his bedroom, the bad feeling in his gut growing. He could feel Harrison looking at him, but he couldn't bring himself to make eye contact. "No, I don't understand. What the fuck changed in two goddamn days?" Jess disappeared into his room and slammed the door loudly behind him.

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Jess had counted to twenty and taken several deep breaths to release some of the tension, but he was still fuming as he walked out of his room. "My fucking mother." The words carried more rage than he intended. He saw the worry and apprehension on Harrison's face mingled with his obvious disappointment and he did his best to tone down his anger. "Liz changed her mind. She says she needs the spare room to store the raw materials and inventory for her jewelry business."

"Seriously?" Jeremy asked, still sitting at the table, his homework now forgotten in front of him.

"Afraid so." Jess wondered if maybe this would finally make Jeremy see his grandmother the way Jess saw her, and he instantly felt mean for the thought. He took a deep breath to steady himself. "I'm sorry about this, Harrison. But, don't worry, we'll figure something out. You can stay here until we do, ok?"

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By Sunday, the bookstore, like most of the shops in Stars Hollow, had reopened for business. It was Jess's day to open and he had come in early to shovel the sidewalk in front of the store. He was already at work inside, setting up a new display on one of the front tables, when Andrew walked in. Jess felt his stomach drop as the man stopped and stood across the table, looking at him with an expression that Jess couldn't read. He hadn't seen or spoken to Andrew since their conversation on Wednesday. The man had left early that day without a word and Jess had been dreading this moment all weekend, worried that he would mess up his apology and somehow make things worse.

"Andrew, I'm so sorry-"

Andrew raised one hand, palm out, and Jess obediently shut his mouth, Mallory's words hovering in his mind like a mantra, to not do any harm. He waited for Andrew to speak, watching the man take a deep breath and feeling a wave of shame and guilt for what he had put Andrew through last week, what he was clearly still putting Andrew through now.

"I know. I'm sorry, too." Andrew took a deep breath. "Celeste would like us to meet Jeremy's friend."

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On Tuesday morning, Jeremy was in his room, the pink pencil case open on his desk, and the contents in his hands, the baggie of pills, the badly wrapped joint, and what was left of the vape pen. He knew he needed to get rid of it, all of it. His plan was to shove it in his backpack, bring it to campus and dump it in a garbage can there, where Jess or Luke or some nosy denizen of Stars Hollow wouldn't see him or find it. He was feeling strong enough to go through with it today, and he knew that had a lot to do with his having had a roommate for almost a week straight. Something about Harrison's presence at night, even after they had stopped talking and Harrison had drifted off first, was reassuring to Jeremy, so much so that he hadn't had a problem getting to sleep. And, since Harrison was going to be staying with them for the foreseeable future, this felt like the right time to make a clean break from using pot to get to sleep, that maybe by the time Harrison found a place and moved out, Jeremy would have retrained his body and his brain to get to sleep without any outside assistance.

Jeremy heard a sharp knock, followed by the door to his room swinging open to reveal Jess, a somewhat harried expression on his face. Jeremy startled at the intrusion and in his haste to shove everything back in the desk draw, without cover of the pencil case, because there was no time for that, he felt the joint slip from his hand and fall to the floor at his feet. He froze, his heart beating fast in his chest.

"C'mon, Jeremy. Let's go! We're going to be late for class."

It hit Jeremy that his body, turned toward the desk and slightly away from the door, had blocked Jess's view of the falling joint.

"Uh, ok. I'm coming." Jeremy tried to buy time, hoping Jess would leave the room and let him come out when he was ready. He saw Jess looking at his backpack, packed and ready on the bed. And, Jeremy was already wearing his coat and hat, the idea of coming back into his room for the pot having hit him as a last minute inspiration. He considered telling Jess that he and Harrison would drive in separately, like they did on Thursdays, but he knew how much Jess enjoyed carpooling to school with him this one day a week, and he couldn't bring himself to do it. He couldn't think of anything else to use as an excuse, either.

"C'mon, kid." Jess smiled and inclined his head toward the backpack on the bed. "Grab your shit and let's go." The smile faded slightly. "Is everything ok, Jeremy?"

"Oh, uh, yeah. Of course." Jeremy did his best not to look or sound suspicious. He made sure to keep the joint in front of him as he bent toward his school bag. Hoping to divert Jess's attention, he slowly unzipped a pouch on the bag, checked its contents carefully and rezipped it, while giving the joint a soft kick with the toe of his sneaker.

"Today, Jeremy. You're killing me here, kid!"

Jeremy looked down as he shouldered his backpack, hoping the kick had had enough force to send the joint under the bed and out of sight, but not enough to break it apart and release foul-smelling pot debri on his floor. There was no sign of it on the floor. Jeremy let out a sigh of relief as he walked toward the door. He would deal with the evidence once and for all when he got home, even if he needed to drive out of town to find a public trash can far enough away to feel safe. He thought about the close call and about the irony of almost getting busted with it now, when he wasn't even actively using it anymore.

"Sorry, I'm good now." He smiled at Jess, clapping one hand on the man's shoulder as he slipped past him and out the door.


	15. Chapter 15 - Hitting the Fan

**Chapter 15 Notes**: Happy reading! And, as always, thanks to everyone still reading and commenting. :)

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls

Mason was talking about gratitude, about something or someone in your life that you felt abject thankfulness for, and the topic was really resonating with Jeremy. Jeremy felt lighter than he had in a while as he sat through class. Even though his plan to dispose of his little drug stash had been thwarted, he felt better at having made up his mind about what to do. And he would get home from school before Jess got off work and could take care of things then. He was feeling positive that this would be a turning point, that he was strong enough to move forward without needing to self-medicate. This week's assignment, in keeping with the spirit of last week's holiday, was geared toward appreciation for what you have. Jeremy listened to Mason talk about the gratitude journal the man had started keeping earlier in the year when he and his wife had divorced and how therapeutic he felt it was to spend some time each day focusing on the good things he still had in his life, how getting his gratitude down on paper had changed his outlook and helped him get through a pretty rough time. He wanted them to each craft an essay that could serve as an entry in their own gratitude journal, and he stressed that the object of a person's gratitude could be anything, a person, an animal, a possession, an ability, whatever triggered their thankfulness in a meaningful way.

Jeremy looked over toward Jess at the next desk, knowing that his dad would likely be the topic of his essay. Jeremy had so much to be thankful for in his life now, from Jess and Luke and the rest of his family, to being able to attend college full time and live rent-free while he did, to having made the closest friend he could remember ever having, but he knew that everything had started with Jess, the man who had taken him in and given him a chance at a family at almost eighteen years old. Jeremy felt himself getting a little choked up like he sometimes did when he thought about what Jess had done for him and how scarily easy it would have been to not have crossed paths with him at all, if either of them had gotten cold feet, if Jess had insisted on a younger child, if Ms. Garcia hadn't bothered to place someone Jeremy's age, if any one of a myriad of minor decisions had been made differently. Jess looked over at Jeremy and gave him a puzzled look at being the object of the boy's attention. Jeremy quickly glanced to the front of the room to make sure Mason was not looking in his direction and raised one hand, extending his index finger, pinkie and thumb and moving his hand subtly back and forth in front of his chest to block anyone else's view, the familiar ASL sign for 'I love you'. Jess's confused look turned into a surprised smile, and without bothering to check if anyone was watching, he returned the sign. Jeremy could feel himself grinning at that, knowing that he was Jess's top priority, regardless of where they were, that the man wasn't embarrassed to tell him he loved him in public if he thought Jeremy needed to hear it. Jeremy sat there grinning at Jess until the man narrowed his eyes playfully and tilted the pen in his hand toward the front of the room in an also familiar mock scolding to pay attention.

Jeremy turned back toward the front of the room, only half listening as Mason talked about how you can feel gratitude not just for certain people or circumstances, in and of themselves, but also for what those people or circumstances bring out in you. He started in on an example from his own life, how he was not only grateful to have a three year old daughter, he was also grateful for getting the chance to be her dad and experience a whole new level of personal growth. When Mason moved on to say that you could be just as grateful for the chance to _be_ a friend as you are to _have_ a friend, Jeremy's attention drifted to his other side, where Harrison sat, eyes forward, paying attention to the instructor. Jeremy felt a queasiness in his stomach as he wondered what Harrison would write about. This was the kind of assignment Jeremy would have hated at any time in his pre-Jess life.

Jeremy still felt like shit when he thought about the situation with his grandparents and what they had done to Harrison at Thanksgiving. Harrison had told him repeatedly, when Jeremy had apologized after Liz's call on Saturday, that it was ok, it wasn't Jeremy's fault, and he wasn't mad at him about it, but Jeremy worried anyway. He was mortified by Liz's cavalier attitude toward Harrison's situation, promising him a place to stay and reneging on her offer, as if she were cancelling lunch plans, with no sensitivity to how important a thing this was for Harrison. He knew that having a teenager you barely knew living in your home was a lot to ask of anyone, but it wasn't like Jeremy had forced his friend on Liz and TJ. He had just explained Harrison's situation and Liz had jumped in with an offer for the guy to move in. He could admit that he had stressed that Jess and Mallory were trying to help Harrison in order to play into Liz's desire to impress her son and have him see her as a good person, but still, Liz had volunteered her spare room on her own.

He thought back to Jess's birthday dinner last summer, and how Liz had made a big show of inserting herself into their college plans for the fall and then never followed through or even mentioned the idea again. He could see how frustrating Liz would have been to have as a parent, and he felt for Jess, knowing that this would have been the tip of the iceberg in Jess's childhood that had been fraught with much more significant breaches of the parent and child contract, some of which involved actual neglect and abuse. He knew he could count on Jess, and trust him to do what he said he was going to do, and he thought about how difficult it must have been for Jess to never have had that from a parent until he was living with Luke in his late teens, and how their childhoods had been similar in that regard. Jeremy felt that it might be a sign of maturity that while this experience made him look at his grandparents differently, it didn't make him out and out hate them. As upset as he was by how poorly they had managed Harrison's expectations and the whole situation, Jeremy found himself feeling more pity than anger. Jeremy had felt sympathy for Liz in the past because of how Jess wouldn't, or couldn't, give her the relationship she wanted with her son, but this time felt different. This time Jeremy pitied Liz for being the way she was, the kind of person who couldn't seem to stop herself from doing things that alienated her son. But, Jeremy's sympathy was reserved for the little kid version of Jess who had grown up with her.

Jess had told Jeremy that Andrew and his wife were interested in possibly renting a room in their home to Harrison, but Jess didn't want to tell Harrison yet and risk getting the boy's hopes up in case nothing came of this, either. Celeste had gone out of town after the storm had cleared to visit an old friend who wasn't doing very well, and she wouldn't be back until later in the week. Jeremy appreciated that Jess wanted to better manage Harrison's expectations this time around. One of the most frequent emotions that Jeremy had experienced growing up the way he had was disappointment. He knew what it was like to be told that he would get to do something, play out an entire season on the same baseball team, see a friend at the same school next year, go on a family camping trip, or be a real member of someone's family, only to have the plans change as he was moved to a new placement, starting all over again, with an added layer of grief at the new things and people he had lost. He knew that Harrison had probably given up on believing in what people told him a long time ago, as had Jeremy before he met Jess, but he also knew that being disappointed about something he really wanted could still cut pretty deep and rip open lots of old hurts.

Jess had suggested they organize something casual, maybe have Harrison and Celeste both drop by the bookstore so they could all talk and get a feel for each other. Jeremy had agreed to not say anything to Harrison yet, but he already felt a little anxious about it, and hoped they didn't need to wait too long for something to be set up. Jeremy wanted this to work out for Harrison so badly. Andrew seemed nice, and while Jeremy had only met Celeste once, she had seemed warm and kind. They seemed stable and reliable, and he knew Celeste used to be a teacher before she retired, so he figured she might actually have the soft spot for helping a needy kid get an education that Liz had loudly claimed to. He also felt that his family helping Harrison with something this big would cement their relationship somehow, help to create a more lasting bond. Most of his other friendships, not that he had had many at all, not real ones, hadn't lasted beyond the common circumstance, a placement with the same foster family, being in the same class, or on the same baseball team. He wanted this friendship to last forever, with Harrison in his life as long and consistently as April or Doula would be. He knew Harrison liked him, but he also knew from experience that it helped to be useful to people. It's not that he felt that Harrison would owe him, he just thought Harrison would be less likely to forget about him someday and leave him behind if Jeremy had even a tangential involvement in helping him with something this big. Jeremy felt that this was an opportunity to show he was there for Harrison, like family.

Jeremy tuned back in to the lecture in time to hear Mason explaining what he didn't want to see in the essay, that he didn't want the kind of superficial gratitude he so often saw on Instagram, a picture of a sunny day or a plate of fish tacos accompanied by hashtag blessed. There was some light laughter in response, and Jeremy frowned at the sentiment, knowing that for some people, who went through life without loved ones, feeling like they didn't belong anywhere, maybe without regular meals, a sunny day or a plate of fish tacos could easily be the thing they were most grateful for on any given day. Instead of feeling the twinge of shame or inadequacy he often felt at being more sensitive or having a perspective skewed from the norm, he felt something warm in his chest, a swell of gratitude for being someone who understood things differently, maybe even more completely. He wondered if Mason would accept that as being essay worthy. He also wondered how Jess would take that, knowing that Jess probably already assumed he would be the focus of Jeremy's writing assignment. Jeremy frowned again, reflecting on the pressures of being on the receiving end of so much.

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Jeremy and Harrison were sitting in the cafeteria eating the lunches they had packed at the apartment, when Harrison's phone buzzed. Jeremy watched the boy check his message and quickly type something, before looking back up at Jeremy, his expression neutral.

"So, after work tonight I'm just going to crash at Mateo's. He's usually good for a night or two during the week if I bring food back with me."

Jeremy frowned slightly as he finished swallowing a bite of apple. "I thought you were going to stay with us for a while."

"I think I should stay at Mateo's tonight. I can walk there, so it's…..convenient on nights when I'm working at the restaurant."

"Oh, uh, ok." Jeremy nodded slowly, trying not to look like his feelings were hurt, even as he felt like a loser for having hurt feelings.

Harrison put his phone down and turned his attention back to his food for a moment, before looking back up at Jeremy. "Jeremy, I really appreciate everything you and your family have done for me. I want you to know that. You guys inviting me to spend Thanksgiving with you and letting me stay with you through the storm was the nicest thing anyone's done for me since Mark-." He paused and looked down for a moment, before making eye contact again. "It was a _huge_ relief to not have to worry about where I was going to sleep or how I was going to eat through all that. Seriously."

Jeremy felt uncomfortable at the thanks, knowing how shitty it was to feel beholden to someone for their generosity and wanting Harrison to know he didn't need to feel that way. "It wasn't a big deal. We liked having you there. It was fun."

"It _was_ fun. But, I think I should give you guys a break now."

Jeremy felt an unexpected but familiar sense of loneliness wash over him. "We don't need a break." Jeremy hated how pathetic he sounded, and how selfish he was, as he felt a slight panic start to rise up as he thought about how awful his anxiety had been in the nights before Harrison had started sleeping in his bedroom.

Harrison shrugged. "Thanks, but I can't stay there indefinitely and I have no idea how long it will take me to find some place to rent. I don't want to crowd you guys, or be in the way of your family stuff." He lowered his voice. "I don't want you to get sick of me."

"I won't get sick of you." Jeremy thought about telling his friend about how much his presence was helping Jeremy too, how much he appreciated having someone to talk to at night as he drifted off to sleep, having Harrison for company when Jess stayed at Mallorys', how Jeremy was getting as much out of their current living arrangement as Harrison was, but it all felt too embarrassing and Jeremy was pretty sure he'd fuck it up and come off sounding like a needy and pathetic little kid. "Are you pissed at me about what happened with my grandparents?"

Harrison scoffed lightly. "No. C'mon, that sucked, but it wasn't your fault. And, anyway, easy come, easy go, right? I'll figure something out."

Jeremy wasn't sure if he believed him. He considered bringing up Andrew's interest in renting him a room in a pathetic bid to keep Harrison around, but Jess had told him not to and he didn't want to mess anything up with that situation, so he kept his mouth shut. Jeremy wondered if he had looked at their friendship differently than Harrison had, incorrectly, the way he had looked at so many past relationships, thinking they were on equal footing when the majority of feeling had been on Jeremy's side alone, all along. He tried not to let himself assume the worst, but now that his mind had gone there, he couldn't seem to rein it in.

"Is it still cool if I still stay over on Thursdays, though? Because that really helped a lot, knowing I had somewhere to spend my night off. And, I like hanging out with you."

Jeremy forced a small child. "Yeah, of course. I like hanging out with you, too." He thought that maybe it was a good thing that Jess had walked in on him when he had that morning and that the vape pen was still safely in his desk drawer, because he wasn't feeling so strong anymore.

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Jeremy was in history class when his phone vibrated. He tried to look down at the screen without being obvious. It was a text from Marty.

_At movies with Ash. Jill's boyfriend broke up with her. Now's your chance, try not to duck it up_.

Marty texted the way he did everything, a little on the careless side, hitting the 'd' as often as the 'f' when he swore and never proofreading or correcting the error. Marty and Ashley were supposed to be in the afternoon session of Mason's English comp class right now. It was the only class they had together without either Jeremy or Jill, and they seemed to skip it as often as they went.

Jeremy liked Jill. She was the first girl he had really been interested in since Melissa. But, he also kind of liked knowing that she had a boyfriend and was off limits. It felt safer somehow. He couldn't fuck it up if he couldn't pursue her, anyway. Now, he wasn't so sure what to do. Marty had given Jeremy shit about Jill once or twice, early on, after the party where Jeremy had first gotten to talk to her, when she and Ashley had started joining them for lunch and Jeremy had come off too eager around Jill. Jeremy knew Marty was a pretty lousy student, but the guy wasn't entirely unperceptive when it came to people. Jeremy had tried not to let his attraction to Jill become more than it should be when she was unavailable, but it had never gone away completely. He did still like the girl, but it freaked him out a little to know that the obstacle to doing something about it had been cleared. He liked being the guy with unrequited feelings who respected her relationship too much to do anything about them, as opposed to just being too chicken shit to make a move.

Before he thought of a response, his phone buzzed again.

_There's a thing at my brother's tonight. Come. Ash says Jill will be there, drinking off her broken heart. _

_On a Tuesday? _ Jeremy wrote back before realizing what a nerd that made him sound like.

_Fuck, Jer, don't be such an old man! Come! Gotta go, movie's starting, and Ash has her hand down my pants._

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Jeremy and Harrison parted ways after history class, and Jeremy ran into Jill on his way to the bus stop in front of campus. He saw her before she saw him. She was turning her head quickly from side to side as she walked, looking around for something or someone, and from the annoyed look on her face, Jeremy knew it had to be Ashley.

"Hey, Jeremy!" The annoyance shifted to a smile for a moment as she spotted him and headed toward him. "Have you seen Ashley?"

"Uh, no, but Marty texted me about half an hour ago and said they were at the movies."

"Of course they fucking were! Jesus Christ! She knew I wanted to get out of here right after class today. She's so fucking inconsiderate!"

Jeremy had come to realize that while Jill often acted like Ashley was the biggest inconvenience to her, an airhead step-sister she was stuck with, from what he had observed, Ashely was really Jill's best friend and Jill cared about her very much. Sometimes he found himself jealous of their relationship, wishing he had a friend and sibling that was stuck with him forever. Jeremy wanted to erase the scowl from Jill's face, and cheer her up, but before he could think of anything to say, Jill changed the subject on her own.

"Hey, are you going to that thing at Marty's brother's tonight?" She looked a little sad, even through her smile, and Jeremy wondered how she was dealing with the breakup, but he knew he couldn't say anything unless she brought it up to him herself.

"Uh, maybe. It's weird that it's on a Tuesday, though, right?" Jeremy kicked himself for not having learned a lesson and making himself look like a loser in front of Jill.

"It's weird for you and me because we actually give a shit about school. I don't know how weird it is for Marty and Sean, or for Ashley. I heard that one of Sean's roommates, the really loud obnoxious one, I think, is moving out tomorrow. So, from what I gather it's a going away thing for him. I guess he's getting a place with his girlfriend, who I assume is either very tolerant or very stupid."

Jeremy recognized that Jill was hurting. She was always a little on the agitated side, but she wasn't usually out and out insulting, unless she was stressed or upset.

Jeremy smiled. "I'm working tonight, but I could come by after that."

"Cool. I'll see you there." She gave him a pleased smile and turned to walk away. "Oh, and if you see my step-sister, feel free to let her know I'm going to kill her."

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Jeremy had just reached the bus stop, his mind still churning over Harrison choosing not to stay with them and the potential of anything happening with Jill, wondering if he had already done something to fuck things up with Harrison and worrying that he would do the same with Jill, when he felt his phone vibrate in his jacket pocket. He pulled it out and took off one glove to check the text message. It was from Luke, a group text sent to both him and Jess. _At the emergency vet in Woodbury with Winston. Found him lying in his own vomit. Doctor thinks he got into something, but isn't sure what. Meet us here when you can. _ An address followed. Jeremy felt his stomach drop as the reality of what he had done hit him. He felt sick with guilt, lightheaded and nauseous. Holy fucking shit. He opened his Uber app, having no time to wait for the forty minute bus ride back to his car in Stars Hollow no matter what an Uber from this far away would cost him. Then a scene from a TV show he had once watched flashed through his mind, stopping him in his tracks. A small child overdosed on drugs, the ER doctor impressing upon scared parents how important it was to know what the little girl had gotten into in order to treat her properly and save her life. Jeremy knew what he had to do. He toggled back to his messenger app and started a new message, just to Luke. _It was pot. I'm on my way. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. _Jeremy ordered an Uber and dreaded the message he would get back from his uncle.

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Jess was walking quickly from the bookstore, his cell phone pressed to his ear, bracing himself for the worst. Luke picked up on the first ring. "Jess?"

"Yeah, Luke. I'm heading back to the apartment for my car. I'll be there soon. What's going on? How's Winston?"

Jess listened to his uncle let out a sigh. "I don't know. They took him in the back. No one's come out to talk to me yet. He was pretty bad…..I thought he was dead at first…" Jess could hear the distress in Luke's voice, and knew his own tone probably matched his uncle's.

"What happened?"

"I found him in the apartment. I went up there to put Taylor's book on your bookshelf. I knew something was wrong when he didn't greet me at the door. Or come when I called him. I found him in Jeremy's room, just lying there, his little face was half in a pile of vomit, like he had passed out like that. But, he wasn't passed out, or not totally. He opened his eyes a little when I touched him and spoke to him, but he didn't even try to get up. He barely moved. It was like he could barely even lift his head. It seemed really bad. There were at least two other places I saw where he had thrown up." Luke sighed again. "I just picked him up and took him down the back stairs to my truck. I didn't clean up the vomit. I didn't even stop to let Cesar know I'd left until I got him here."

"Do you know what he got into? Was there anything spilled anywhere or anything on the floor?" Jess racked his brain for what toxins Winston could possibly have accessed. They used all non-toxic cleaning supplies, but he knew that some foods that were fine for human consumption could be dangerous for dogs. He couldn't think of what they would have possibly left out after breakfast, though.

Luke sighed again, this one longer than the others, feeling to Jess more like a stall tactic than a stress release. "What?" He asked. "What is it?"

"Well, I didn't see anything lying around, but I have a pretty good idea what he got into…"

"So, are you going to tell me?" Jess found some of his fear turning to irritation.

"Jeremy texted me right back. He thinks Winston might have gotten into some…...pot. I let the doctor know….."

It took a second for Jess to process the information, to really grasp that his son was smoking pot, had lied to his face about it, and that Winston might die because of it. Anger had always been the easiest emotion for Jess, and he felt it rising now, looking out for him like an old friend as it supplanted the much harder to deal with emotions of fear and hurt and betrayal. He could feel his head pounding, his heart rate quickening, but not in the good way he felt when he was running, the kind that made him feel like his blood was boiling, that his heart was going to explode in his chest if he didn't punch something. "That little fucking liar. I can't believe this." He picked up his pace as the apartment came into view, practically jogging toward his car. "I'll be there soon."

"Jess. Jess-"

"I have to go. I'll be right there."

"Jess-" Jess pushed the end button, not wanting to hear what else his uncle had to say. He didn't think Luke would tell him that he'd told him so under the current circumstances, but he suspected his uncle might tell him to take it easy, or try to stick up for Jeremy in some way, and Jess couldn't take either of those things right now. He crossed the town square at a run, trying to burn off some of the anger pulsing through his body, but he seemed no better off for it when he got to his car on the other side.

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The Uber ride felt like forever. Jeremy had shoved his phone into the front pouch of his backpack after getting into the car, not wanting to see what Luke would write back. Luke had never been mad at him, had never really yelled at him or gotten on his case about anything more serious than drinking coffee. Not even when he and Jess had fought over Jess looking through his cell phone when he was grounded and Jeremy had told Jess to go fuck himself, twice. Jeremy had been sure that his treating Jess so badly would turn Luke against him, but it hadn't. Luke had been supportive and listened to him, told him that he loved both him and Jess and couldn't take sides between them. But, this, there was no way Luke wouldn't be pissed at him about this. He had lied right to Luke's face, and not even just a 'no' like he had given to Jess, but an involved lie, as he pretended to come clean about what Marty had come to the diner for and had gone on to fabricate an entire story about their conversation revolving around Jeremy's interest in Jill.

He felt sick when he thought about it. And stupid, so fucking stupid, that he had left a joint under the bed and now Winston was suffering for it. Jeremy could feel his eyes watering and wiped the back of his hand across them, willing the tears to be gone before he arrived at the vet. He remembered the one time he had lit the joint. How Winston had sat watching him, begging as if he had been eating peanut butter. He should have known better. He should have told Jess the truth that morning and picked up the damn joint. Winston deserved better from him. Jeremy pictured Winston, alone and scared in the apartment, knowing something wasn't right, but not understanding what was happening to him. Throwing up, possibly in pain, and feeling abandoned by Jeremy and Jess. Jeremy felt tears running down his face for real then.

And Jess. Jess was going to kill him. Jeremy's mind went back to the night in the motel room in Philadelphia, himself sneaking in late from having gone to New York with Melissa, lying to Jess about where he had been, and Jess absolutely livid at having been lied to. He could still picture Jess how he had been that night, out of his mind with worry and anger, up in Jeremy's face, screaming at him, pounding on the wall for the neighbor to shut up. He had promised to never lie to Jess again after that. He had meant it, too. Jeremy felt a ball of dread growing in his stomach. He wanted to throw up. He thought about how he had been grounded for a month for lying back then, and he wondered what Jess would do to him this time. Jess had told him after the incident with the cell phone that he was too old to ground, that he was an adult and he would have to live with what he had done and deal with the consequences on his own. That freaked him out. Kids who lied got punished, but he couldn't think of what else you could do to an adult who repeatedly lied to you other than not loving that person anymore and cutting him out of your life. He felt like he was going to puke. He didn't know what he would do if he had ruined everything between him and Jess. He didn't think he could go back to not having Jess in his life.

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Jess sat on the hard plastic chair, leaning forward, back straight, forearms on his knees, muscles tensed, ready to move into action if necessary, if the doctor came out with news or if his son walked through the door. Luke didn't seem much less anxious sitting beside him. The one small favor as Jess saw it was that Luke had taken Winston to the 24 hour emergency clinic in Woodbury as opposed to the regular vet that both Winston and Paul Anka went to, Dr. Howard. Luke had been here once before when Paul Anka had had a seizure on a Sunday, and he had been impressed with what a real hospital it was and felt that Winston might need something more than just a doctor's office in the shape the little guy had been in when he found him. Jess was grateful for the decision. The last thing he needed was Mallory's father witnessing this, his dog overdosing on his son's drugs. As if he didn't have enough working against him with her parents already.

Some of his initial rage had subsided and he was trying to use this period of clear headedness to think about how he should handle things once Jeremy arrived. He was as pissed as he had ever been with Jeremy, but he knew he didn't want a repeat of that night in the motel room in Philly, when he had lost control of himself. He knew his anger now was justified, as it had been then, but this time he wanted to show his son that a man could handle his anger without going completely off the rails. He wanted to call Jeremy out on what he had done, lying and endangering Winston. He even wanted to make the kid feel like shit, possibly make him cry a little, or a lot. But, he wanted to remain in control of himself and have an impact on his son without raising his voice, physically intimidating him, or losing his damn mind. He just wasn't completely convinced that he was capable of as much restraint as he wanted to be.

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Jeremy took a deep breath in the cold as he stood outside the clinic, building up the courage to walk in. He could see Jess and Luke, or the backs of their heads at least, where they sat with their backs to the window. He could see the tension in the taut lines of Jess's body and his stomach dropped a little bit more. He knew he had fucked up royally and he had to go in and face the consequences for what he had done. He wanted to be an adult about this. And, he wanted to be there for Winston. He wiped at his eyes one more time. He knew they would likely be able to tell he had been crying, but it seemed infinitely more embarrassing to walk in with actual tears on his face.

Jeremy reached for the door with shaking hands and walked through before he could talk himself out of it. His self-preservation instincts were screaming at him to turn and run as he approached his father and uncle. He debated stopping and sitting next to Luke, but he knew he owed it to Jess to face him. He stopped in front of them, equidistant between the two, trying to be brave as they both looked up at him, Jess's expression radiating pure anger, Luke's tempered with disappointment. Jeremy could feel his face start to crumble as he spoke. "I'm so sorry." His voice cracked at the end. He could instantly feel tears trying to spill out of his eyes. He felt stupid and pathetic and about five years old as he wiped furiously at his eyes.

Then Jess and Luke were getting to their feet, and Jeremy took a reflective step back as he watched them through blurry eyes, and immediately bumped into someone. He turned to see a tall blond woman in green scrubs behind him, heard Jess admonish his clumsiness with a _watch_ _out, Jeremy_ as he got out of her way, offering a low-voiced _sorry_ to the group in general as he instinctively moved to Luke's side instead of Jess's.

The doctor gave them a small smile before she spoke and Jeremy took that as a good sign. She started by saying that Winston was out of the woods, and Jeremy heard Luke exhale and felt his uncle's hand on the shoulder of his peacoat, squeezing gently through the thick material, remaining there as both of them kept their eyes on the doctor as she introduced herself as Doctor Kessler and told them about Winston's condition. How the dog had arrived lethargic and ataxic, almost unresponsive. He was also severely dehydrated, having trouble regulating his own body temperature and experiencing occasional tremors. Jeremy could feel his eyes watering at the description of what Winston had been through because of him and he knew he must look like a mess. The doctor told them that Winston was on an IV to maintain proper hydration, and that she had given him an anti-vomiting medication and his heart rate and body temperature were being monitored to ensure they remained stable. Jeremy tried to focus on Winston's positive prognosis, but it still tore at his heart to think of Winston being scared and not understanding what was happening. He felt Luke remove his hand from his shoulder and he instantly missed the contact with a grief that was completely out of proportion to the loss. He wondered if Winston thought he was back in a shelter, that his family had left him when he was sick, and Jeremy wiped at the tears that spilled out of his eyes.

Doctor Kessler told them that symptoms of THC toxicity in dogs can last anywhere from a few hours to a few days depending on the size of the dog and how much marijuana was ingested. She believed Winston's situation to be somewhere in the middle, but she wanted to keep him overnight so they could continue to hydrate and monitor him. As she was wrapping up, she smiled encouragingly at Jeremy as if he were a much younger child before turning back to Jess and Luke. "THC toxicity in dogs has become much more prevalent in the past couple of years and one of the best things a person can do after their dog has ingested marijuana is to be honest with us about it, so that we know what we're dealing with right from the beginning and can start treating the dog appropriately right away. You wouldn't believe how many people lie or play dumb about what their dog got into. So, thank you guys for being truthful about this from the get go." Jeremy heard Jess scoff quietly and he hoped his father wasn't going to embarrass him in front of this woman. "It made my job easier and it made things go a lot more smoothly for Winston."

"Can we see him?" Jeremy asked, his voice hoarse and scratchy from so much crying.

Doctor Kessler frowned slightly. "I don't recommend it. Winston is calm and comfortable right now. It took a little effort to get him that way, and I would like to keep him there and not get him worked up."

Jeremy nodded. "Oh, ok." He figured it made sense, but he still felt a wave of disappointment at her response. He listened to Jess ask what time they could pick him up tomorrow and the doctor advising him to call first to make sure Winston was ready to check out before they came in. Jess asked if he was supposed to settle the bill now or when he picked Winston up tomorrow, and Jeremy felt his stomach lurch as Doctor Kessler told him he could do that tomorrow, when they knew the full measure of services Winston would receive. Jeremy knew nothing about this would be cheap.

As Jeremy watched the conversation wrap up, Jess and Luke both thanking the doctor and shaking her hand before she walked away, he felt both relief at knowing Winston was going to be ok and dread that he was likely the next thing on Jess's list to be dealt with now that the medical stuff had been taken care of.

Jeremy turned toward Jess to continue where they left off when the doctor had approached. "I'm really sorry about ev-"

"I'll pick up Winston tomorrow." Jess kept his eyes trained on Luke, and Jeremy took in Jess's posture, the rigid set of his jaw, how the hand holding his keys was clenched into a tight fist, and he recognized the purposefulness in how his father was avoiding him. "I'm going to stay at Mallory's tonight." Then Jess looked directly at him. "We'll talk about this tomorrow." Jeremy felt himself cower at the anger he saw in the man's eyes, the complete lack of warmth and affection that he was so accustomed to, and he instinctively lowered his gaze to the floor at his feet as he nodded his acknowledgement.

As Jeremy watched Jess walk out the door, he was suddenly conscious of the other people in the waiting room, the young couple sitting close together, the guy's arm around the girl, the mother and daughter with an empty purple cat carrier on the floor at their feet, the older man holding a red leash in his hand, who had all likely watched him crying like a baby. He felt his face growing warm and knew he was blushing. He heard Luke turn toward him with a tired-sounding sigh, and he felt like a burden, like the worst nephew and son. "How did you get here, Jeremy?"

For a moment, Jeremy thought he meant to this place in his life, where he was lying and doing drugs and almost killing dogs. Then he got what Luke meant. "Oh, uh, I took an Uber from school."

"C'mon." Luke put a hand on his back, gently turning him toward the door. "I'll take you home."

It wasn't until Jeremy went to gather his stuff that he realized he had left his backpack, containing his laptop and cell phone, in the Uber. He felt tears of frustration pooling in his eyes again. He was such a fuck up. No wonder no one ever wanted him, and now Jess might not either.

Jeremy followed Luke obediently and wordlessly, the only sound his own sniffles as Luke unlocked the passenger door first, letting Jeremy into the cab and out of the cold as Luke walked around the front of the vehicle to the driver's side. The small kindness set Jeremy off again, and he was brushing away tears and feeling like even more of a pathetic loser by the time his uncle was settled behind the wheel.

Jeremy kept his head down, staring at his lap through the tears in his eyes, too ashamed to look at the man next to him. He heard Luke sigh, and felt a new wave of guilt at what he had put his uncle through tonight, what he had put them all through.

"Jeremy." Luke sounded sad and tired, and it made a few more tears stream down Jeremy's face. "Look at me, Jeremy."

Jeremy couldn't bring himself to do it, too afraid of what he would see in the man's face, expecting disgust and disappointment, and knowing that he wouldn't be able to handle it even though he deserved it. Jeremy shook his head wordlessly shielding his eyes with his hands, trying to regain some semblance of control over his emotions before he looked up.

He heard Luke huff out an exhale as he started the truck. "Let's get some heat going in here." Luke played with the vent on the dashboard, but made no effort to start driving. "Jeremy, I know that this, what happened with Winston, was an accident. I know you would never purposely do anything to hurt that dog. I know how much you love him. I understand that you didn't mean for any of this to happen." Jeremy nodded, his head still hanging down, as he wiped at his eyes with a gloved hand. He saw Luke's hand reaching into his space and instinctively flinched back. The hand froze, mid reach for the glove box. "Hey, hey, it's ok. I'm just going to grab you some tissues from in here." Still unable to make eye contact, Jeremy watched Luke open the glove box and pull out a small pack of tissues. Jeremy accepted them when they were held out to him, pulling off his gloves to manipulate the package and pull out a tissue.

"Thanks." Jeremy's voice was low and hoarse. He wanted to thank Luke for more than just the tissues, for understanding that he would never purposely hurt Winston, for being kind to him even though he didn't deserve it, but he was afraid he would lose it and start sobbing for real if he tried to say anything more.

"But, we do need to talk about the drugs and the lying." Luke's voice was gentle, but Jeremy could feel an underlying firmness and disapproval in it that his uncle didn't normally use on him.

Jeremy knew he needed to apologize properly, like an adult. Luke deserved that much from him, at least. He gave his eyes one final wipe with a tissue, and lifted his head to look at Luke. What he saw was just his uncle, the man who had welcomed him into his life from the day they first met, and his expression was both stern and compassionate, with none of the rejection that Jeremy had been anticipating. "I'm so sorry, Uncle Luke. I'm so sorry. I hate that I lied to you. I feel sick when I think about it."

Luke huffed out a breath. "I've got to admit, I feel a little sick when I think about it, too, nephew." Jeremy was encouraged to hear the familiar term of endearment. It had to be a good sign that Luke was still claiming him as family. "You lied right to my face. Twice. That hurts. It makes me feel like we don't have the kind of relationship I thought we did. And, that makes me very sad, because I love you very much."

Jeremy could feel new tears welling in his eyes, and struggled to hold them back, hating himself for being such a cry baby. "I love you, too. I just…...I don't have an excuse. I was having trouble sleeping, like I was having anxiety and panic attacks at night, and kind of freaking out. And, Marty, the guy who came by the diner that night, he got me some pot and told me it would help. And, it did. It was the only thing that helped, but I knew you and Jess wouldn't understand. And, I…..lied, and it was so stupid. And, I felt so guilty. And, what's so stupid, is that I stopped using it about a week ago." Jeremy left out the part about having Harrison as a roommate being key to his ability to get to sleep. It was too embarrassing. "I was going to throw it out this morning, but Jess walked in on me, and I dropped it. And, I kicked it under the bed so Jess wouldn't see it, and he didn't, but then…...Winston got into it, and I wish I would have just told Jess this morning. If I could do this morning over, I would just tell Jess about it, even if he got mad, so that I could pick it up and keep Winston from getting into it. I hate that Winston got sick from this and had to go through all this because of me." New tears were streaming down Jeremy's face. "I hate that he was scared and alone and that I wasn't there for him when he needed me. That me doing something stupid was the reason he was scared and alone. I hate that he's at the vet right now. I can't believe I did something that could have killed him. I hate that he's going to spend the night feeling scared that he's been abandoned. I hate myself so much for this."

Jeremy felt Luke's arm wrap around him, pulling him into a tight hug, a warm hand landed on the back of his head.

"It's going to be ok, nephew."

Jeremy shook his head against Luke's shoulder, knowing that Luke was wrong. Jeremy hated himself for what he had done, and even worse, Jess hated him now, too.

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Jess felt like his entire body was clenched as he drove toward Mallory's condo. He could feel the tension pounding in his head. He had intended to drive directly to Mallory's from the vet, knowing he would have time after Jeremy left for school tomorrow to go back to the apartment and change into fresh clothes before he had to be at the bookstore. But, part way there, he had felt guilt over how he had left things with Jeremy at the vet. His rage had taken over his mind as soon as he had laid eyes on his son and he hadn't trusted himself to get into it with the boy without letting it take over his words and actions, too. He had felt a certain level of panic at the idea of losing it on Jeremy in the waiting room, humiliating both of them in public. Going with a less is more strategy, he had bailed the first chance he got, and he felt like a coward for it. He had changed tack and turned toward the apartment then, knowing he needed to be the adult here and face Jeremy.

As he had waited for his son, he decided to do what Luke had suggested from the beginning and search the boy's room. He started with the desk drawer and immediately found a vape pen, not even well hidden. Jess had been wondering if his son was an idiot as well as a liar when he found the small baggie of colorful pills. Jess had lost it then, pocketing both the pen and the pills and jerking the drawer completely out of the desk and flipping it upside down, raining pens and paper clips and other school supplies onto the rug in Jeremy's bedroom. Jess moved between two small, drying puddles of vomit and felt a burst of rage at the thought of what Winston had been through tonight because of Jeremy. He attacked the dresser drawers, roughly pushing clothes and underwear aside as he searched along the bottom of each drawer, tossing a few handfuls of socks that wouldn't stay out of his way onto the floor, unconcerned with whether they landed in vomit.

He searched through the boy's closet, pushing the hanging clothes to the side, kicking shoes out of his way. He gave the nightstand the same treatment as the desk, this time throwing the small drawer behind him, feeling a measure of satisfaction at the sound it made as it crashed into the still open dresser drawers. He lifted one side of the mattress, checking underneath it, then pulled the clear plastic storage container out from under the bed and looked through it, taking out a baseball glove and a couple of baseballs, a Stars Hollow High yearbook, a few stacks of papers clipped together, not bothering to repack the contents as he went, stopping only when he pulled the lid from a cardboard box to find Jeremy's mother smiling up at him from within a small plastic sandwich bag. He sat frozen, staring at her picture, his heart hammering in his chest, his head pounding with anger. He recognized how out of control he felt. He set the lid back on the box, feeling irrationally embarrassed at having Jeremy's mother see him like this. He needed to calm the fuck down before Jeremy got home. He had sat on Jeremy's bed for a moment, taking deep breaths and trying to get control of himself. He realized that he had been right at the vet. He couldn't be around Jeremy tonight, not like this. He needed time to cool off. He had stood quickly and headed to his own room, throwing a few things into a bag and hurrying down the back stairs before Jeremy got home.

Jess pulled his Mazda against the curb two buildings down from Mallory's, telling himself that he was doing the right thing. That he couldn't be around his son the way he felt tonight. He would cool off and calm down and tomorrow he would pick up Winston and tomorrow night he and Jeremy would have a long talk about this. He still didn't like how he had left things with his son and he hated the idea of the kid worrying himself stupid over Jess's reaction at the vet. He pulled his phone out of his jacket pocket and typed out a message to the boy. _I need time to cool off before we talk tomorrow, but tonight know that I still love you and that this isn't the end of the world._ He knew signing a text message was lame, but he felt like he needed to add one more word. _Dad. _He reread it a few times, then removed the word 'still.' It felt wrong, as if implying that Jess's love for his son was conditional or could ever be in question. He sent the message and grabbed his bag, getting out of the car and jogging up the walk to Mallory's, telling himself he had at least done something, but feeling only a tiny bit better about things.

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Jeremy spent the rest of the afternoon in the diner, and as shitty as he felt about Winston and Jess and everything he had done, being busy and around people helped. So did knowing Luke didn't hate him. Jeremy wasn't looking forward to going upstairs to an empty apartment after work, but he was no longer in the mood for a party, even if a newly single Jill would be there. It was a slow night and Luke closed a little early. After they locked the door, Jeremy and Luke worked through the closing chores in silence. The atmosphere between them wasn't as comfortable as normal, but it wasn't terrible either. They would be able to get back to normal. Jeremy could already feel it.

His relationship with Jess was another thing entirely. He felt the pit in his stomach growing every time he thought about his dad. How the man hadn't even been able to look at him at the vet, and what he had seen on his face when he finally had. How he was spending the night at Mallory's because he didn't want to be around Jeremy. Jeremy couldn't blame him. He wouldn't want to be around him tonight, either, if he were Jess. But, it still hurt. And it made him anxious about what was going to happen when they talked. He hated that Jess had put off dealing with him until the next night. He knew it would be a long, sleepless night worrying about what would happen, but he vowed not to touch his vape pen, no matter how shitty and panicky he felt. He deserved to be up feeling like shit tonight.

When the cleanup was finished, Luke pulled Jeremy into a loose one-armed side hug. "Goodnight, nephew."

Jeremy snaked one arm around Luke's back, returning the hug. "Goodnight, Uncle Luke. Thanks for everything today."

It felt too soon when Luke released him with a clap on the shoulder. "You're welcome, Jeremy. You're always welcome." Jeremy watched his uncle study him. "Hey, are you going to be ok here by yourself?"

Jeremy nodded, touched by the question. "I think so."

"I mean, I know you've stayed by yourself lots of times, but it's been a rough day, and with Jess gone, well, I just wanted you to know that you're welcome to come stay at my place if you want. You could sleep in Rory's room."

Jeremy felt a small smile on his face, something that would have seemed impossible only a few hours before. He was tempted to take Luke up on his offer, but he didn't want to look like a child who couldn't stay home alone and face the consequences of his actions. "Thanks. I really appreciate that. But, I'll be ok here."

"Ok." Luke paused and grimaced.

"What?" Jeremy asked.

"Crap. I just realized no one ever cleaned up Winston's vomit. I should have sent you right up when we got back. I forgot all about it. Do you want me to come up and help you with that?"

Jeremy shook his head, knowing he should be the one to deal with it. It was his mess. "Thanks, but I can handle it. You've already done so much for me today. I'm the one who deserves to be cleaning up puke."

"Alright, well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow then."

"See you tomorrow." Jeremy headed up the stairs, not feeling ready for bed like he usually was after a day of school and work. He didn't know if it was the anxiety about Winston and Jess, but he felt kind of wired. He opened the door to the apartment and flipped on the light. Work had been a decent distraction, but when he walked in the door without his usual greeting from Winston, he felt a wave of guilt so forceful it threatened to drag him under. He took a steadying breath and headed to his room to assess the puke situation. What he saw took him by surprise and he froze in the doorway, taking in the sight. His room had been ransacked. That was the only word for it. The floor was strewn with clothes, socks, school supplies, shoes. His desk drawer was on the floor, and his dresser drawers were all open with more clothes hanging out of them, the bottom one pulled complete off his track, its front edge resting on the floor. There was a dent on the front of the second drawer that hadn't been there before, and the small drawer to his nightstand lay on the floor below it, one corkboard side detached from the rest. Jeremy spotted the pink pencil case on the floor and looked around for what it had once contained. It was all gone, the pot, the pills. Fuck. He had never even touched the pills. Now, Jess was going to think things had been worse than they had been.

He sat down on the bed for a moment, trying to get a grip on things. Part of him felt like he deserved this by breaking Jess's trust and lying to him, sneaking drugs into his home, endangering Winston, but part of him couldn't believe Jess had done this. This didn't feel like their relationship. It felt terrible, and hurtful. Jeremy's eye caught a dark discoloration on the area rug that must have been one of the spots where Winston had puked. It looked almost dry now. Maybe he would have to toss the rug if he couldn't get the stain or the smell out, but right now, he didn't really care. He didn't feel like he could deal with anything more tonight. Jeremy checked the time, a little after nine-thirty. He made a decision, got up and headed to the bathroom, where he washed his face and brushed his teeth, trying to get as much of the diner smell off him as possible, but not wanting to bother with a shower. He changed into fresh jeans and one of his nicer long sleeve tee shirts and a hoodie. It didn't matter. Marty's brother's apartment almost smelled like ass anyway. No one would notice a little added french fry smell. He didn't want to be alone. It wasn't like he was going to get any sleep if he stayed home, and he didn't even have his laptop to work on anything for school. Jeremy grabbed his peacoat and his keys, shrugging into his coat as he headed out the back door. He thought of Jill. Maybe there was something to be salvaged from this night. Or maybe he could at least get out of his head for a while.

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Jess reached for the last dish in the sink and ran a soapy sponge back and forth across it a few times. He and Mallory had eaten a late dinner, and sat at the table talking long after they were done, about how he should handle things with Jeremy. Jess had checked his phone again before getting up from the table to wash the dishes. Still no response from Jeremy, and Jess was feeling guilty at how he had left things. What must Jeremy have thought when Jess bailed the way he had? Talking things over with Mallory had helped him immeasurably. He felt sufficiently calm that the idea of losing his shit with his son now seemed absurd, and the idea of hiding out at Mallory's felt cowardly. Jess rinsed the plate under the faucet and handed it to Mallory, who gave it a quick wipe with a dish towel and reached up over the counter to stack it in the cabinet. Jess found himself momentarily distracted by the lines of her body in her jeans and fitted sweater as she stretched.

"Hey, Mal?"

"Hmm?" She turned toward him, an inquisitive expression on her face.

"I think I should go home."

Her curiosity turned to understanding, and Jess got the feeling she had been thinking the same thing. "Ok. Well, you certainly seem much calmer than when you walked in."

Jess huffed out a soft laugh and smiled at her. He had been a mess when he walked in, tightly wound and ranting about Jeremy. "What can I say? You're a good influence on me."

Mallory returned the smile. "You feel ready to deal with Jeremy now?"

Jess thought that over. "I still think I want to wait until tomorrow to sit him down and really have it out with him. It's late and I think we should talk when we're both fresh and have had some time to think. But, I don't like the idea of him coming home from work to an empty apartment. I don't like what it says. That I left because he fucked up."

Mallory nodded, giving him the warm smile that he pictured her using on the students she dealt with at school, the one that told him she thought he was making a good decision and that she was proud of him for coming up with it on his own. "I think that's a really good idea, Jess."

"I just keep thinking about both my boys being alone tonight, and maybe scared, and I can't do anything about Winston, but I can at least be there for Jeremy. Just to let him know he's not alone." He paused. "It just feels, I don't know, important, that I hug him goodnight tonight."

Mallory smiled and nodded. "I think Jeremy will really appreciate that. I know I would in his shoes."

"I'll keep that in mind if you ever lie to me about your drug use and almost kill my dog." It was meant to be a joke, but listing Jeremy's offenses out loud stirred an ember of anger within him that Jess tried to tamp down.

Mallory smirked. "Thanks, I appreciate that."

"Want to come with me?" Jess felt shy asking. He didn't want Mallory to think he needed her as a security blanket. He could do this on his own, but he had been looking forward to cuddling up in bed with her since he had arrived, and he just kind of wanted her there with him at his place. He was feeling much more in control of himself now, but her presence felt like extra insurance that things wouldn't get nuts. "I know it's late….." Jess trailed off as he watched Mallory grin.

"Let me just pack a bag real quick." She leaned in to him, one hand landing featherlight on his cheek as she gave him a quick kiss. He wiped his hands on a dish towel as he watched her walk away, confident that this time he was doing the right thing.


	16. Chapter 16 - The Aftermath

**Chapter 16 Notes:** There's a guest reader out there that's on the same schedule as me. I think tonight is the third time that this reader has posted a comment asking for the next update just as I'm going through my final proofread before posting a new chapter! :) Happy reading and thank you to everyone who is still following this story and leaving me reviews. I appreciate those so much. :)

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls.

Jess left Mallory upstairs to run down and check the diner. Jess had been surprised, and a little worried, to find the apartment dark and his son missing. But, he had parked behind the building and he and Mallory had come up the back staircase, so it was entirely possible that Jeremy and Luke were still closing up, or that they were talking through what happened. If that was the case, if he walked in on his uncle and son having a heart to heart, he would excuse himself and go back upstairs. He didn't want to interrupt their conversation. Jeremy had lied to Luke, too, and Luke had a right to be angry, and Jess wanted to give them time if they were sorting things out between them. But, he did want to stick his head in for a minute to make his presence known. He thought knowing that he had come back might take a little bit of weight off his son's shoulders.

He pulled back the curtain at the bottom of the stairs and looked out into the diner, dark except for the glow from the streetlamps out front. Jess crossed the dining room, peering into the empty kitchen. "Jeremy!" Jess called, just to make sure the boy wasn't hiding out down here by himself. It seemed unlikely since Jess had made his intentions to stay at Mallory's known when they were still at the vet, but he didn't want to leave any stone unturned. Then, he thought of Luke again. Maybe the boy had gone over to Luke's, either to talk things over, or to sleep there if he was too upset to be alone. Jess felt a spike of guilt at the thought of his child feeling so distraught at being abandoned by his father that his uncle had taken him home with him.

Jess pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed Luke. His uncle picked up on the third ring. "Hello? Jess?"

"Hey, Luke. How's Jeremy?"

Luke sighed. "He was a mess earlier. I mean, he feels guilty as hell about lying, and what happened to Winston. He's really worried about that dog. He's worried about facing you, too. He broke down a little in the truck outside the vet...But, he seemed ok enough while he was working and when I left him. He had at least stopped crying-"

Jess felt a rush of almost-panic. "Wait, what do you mean when you left him? He's not with you?"

"What? No. I'm at home. Jeremy's not here. We talked a little after we closed up. I asked him if he wanted to come stay over here, so he wouldn't be alone after the day he'd had…" Jess could sense that Luke let the sentence die so as not to make him feel worse about not being home for his son. "But, he said he was fine by himself. That he wanted to stay at the apartment. I said goodnight, gave him a hug and left." Jess felt grateful that Jeremy had someone he loved there for him tonight, even if it had been Luke instead of him. He liked knowing that someone had hugged his kid tonight. "Why are you asking, Jess? Is he not answering his phone?"

"I texted him earlier and he didn't respond. I, uh, ended up coming home. I felt bad for leaving him alone, so me and Mallory came back to the apartment. Jeremy isn't here….."

"Oh." Jess could hear Luke's mind working on this information and he instantly felt bad for worrying his uncle. "Did you try calling him? Maybe he just went out."

"Yeah. You're probably right. He probably just met up with a friend or something. I haven't tried him yet. I just assumed he had gone home with you, but I'll try him now. I'm sure he's fine."

"All right." Luke didn't sound convinced.

"So, I should go so I can call him."

"Ok, Jess. Hey, text me when you hear from him, ok? Let me know he's all right."

"Ok, sure, Luke. And, hey, if I haven't already thanked you for everything today, thank you. For taking care of Winston…...and for taking care of Jeremy, too. I shouldn't have gone to Mallory's. I realize that now. I was just so pissed at Jeremy." Jess felt a resurgence of his anger just from thinking about how angry he had been. "And, I didn't really trust myself to be around him…" He trailed off, feeling like he had come too close to an ugly truth that he didn't want to share with his uncle.

The line was silent for a moment and Jess wondered what Luke was thinking. "It's ok, Jess. You and Jeremy will work things out. It's ok that you were angry. And, if you didn't think you could be around Jeremy without…..being ok around him, then maybe taking some space for yourself was the right thing to do."

Jess appreciated Luke's offer of validation, but he didn't agree. The right thing to do would have been to be the kind of man, the kind of father, who could calmly deal with his kid's shitty behavior without running the risk of flipping out and losing his goddamn mind. But, he knew Luke meant well, and that he loved him. "Thanks, Luke. Really."

"You're welcome, Jess. And, text me, ok, when you hear from him?"

Jess sighed his annoyance at being asked a second time, but he pushed it down, reminding himself that Luke was worried, too. "I will."

"All right. Goodnight, nephew."

Jess ended the call and jogged back up the stairs. He let himself into the apartment and found Mallory standing at the door to Jeremy's room, one hand resting on the door jamb, as she surveyed the damage. He walked up behind her, trying to tamp down the shame he felt as he took in the room through her eyes.

Mallory spoke in a low voice, without taking her eyes from Jeremy's room. "Oh, Jess. This is so much worse than I pictured."

Jess felt a mix of guilt and chagrin as he thought about how Jeremy must have felt when he'd come home to this. "I know."

"Maybe we should….." Mallory trailed off, then turned to look at Jess. He glanced away, lowered his gaze toward Jeremy's floor, not wanting to see the accusation in her eyes. She pulled his attention to her with a gentle hand on his arm, and all he saw in her expression was concern. "Do you want help putting this back together?"

Several scenes flashed through Jess's mind. He thought about being eighteen, and discovering that Luke had gone through his things, searching his dresser drawers for signs that Jess was selling drugs after Jess had bought his first car with money from the job at Walmart that Luke didn't know about. He knew Luke had tried to be careful. The only trace of the invasion were a few out of place socks, the top pair of boxers in a drawer lying neatly folded when Jess knew he had knocked them askew without bothering to straighten them as he had dressed in haste that morning.

Then he remembered the room he had lived in at fifteen, almost two years before being sent to Stars Hollow. And, Teddy, Liz's boyfriend at the time, who could never really believe that Jess wasn't using drugs like he and Liz were. Jess could still remember cowering against the wall in bed when Teddy burst in, high out of his mind, accusing Jess of stealing from his stash, tearing his room apart to find the missing drugs that the man had, in all likelihood, forgotten that he had consumed himself. Jess could still see his books being thrown across the room, the clock radio he had kept on his nightstand shattering the mirror over his dresser, could still feel the pounding in his heart that he had felt every night he had laid in bed afterward, listening to Liz letting Teddy into the apartment, hearing the man's voice from the living room, until the night Teddy disappeared from their lives for good.

Jess knew the difference between trying to protect your child from his own dangerous vices and just being a dick. He knew his behavior in Jeremy's room earlier that night lay somewhere in between. Jeremy was guilty of using drugs and lying about it, after all, something Jess hadn't done in either of the scenarios from his own youth, but Jess worried that the level of aggression he had used in his search might land him closer on the spectrum to Teddy than Luke, and he felt horrified at how easy it had been to fall into that role and instinctively mimic the wrong that had been done to him as a child. He knew the impact on Jeremy had already been made when his son had seen what he'd done, but maybe Jess could make things, if not right, then at least less fucked up, by putting the boy's room back together. He wondered where Jeremy had gone. Jeremy had friends now, options. If Jess had had anyone who would have taken him in after Teddy had trashed his room, he would have run away back then, but he hadn't had anyone he could turn to. If Jeremy had had the same idea, would it even be 'running away' at his age? Jess reasoned it would just be leaving. Moving out. Getting away from someone with no self-control who had tossed his room like a prison guard.

Jess took a step toward Mallory, pulling her into a hug, appreciating the feel of her arms around his waist. He nuzzled his face into her neck for a moment, and he felt her arms tighten around him. He pulled back, giving her a quick kiss. "Thanks, but I should clean this up myself. You go to bed. You've got an early day tomorrow."

Mallory looked up at him, her eyes sympathetic, and kissed him again before pulling back. "I love you."

"I love you, too, Mal. So much." Jess felt himself choking up a little, and felt ridiculous for it. "I'm going to text Jeremy and see where he is." Jess pulled his phone out of his pocket. Mallory patted his arm and turned and walked away.

Jess called first, letting it ring until Jeremy's voicemail picked up. "Hey, Jeremy. It's dad. Me and Mallory are at the apartment." He paused, not wanting to add to the drama between them by sounding accusatory. Jeremy was an adult who didn't need Jess's permission to leave the house or go wherever he wanted. "And, I, uh, noticed you aren't here." Jess laughed self-consciously. "Could you please give me a call back, or shoot me a text and just let me know that you're ok and when you'll be back? I'd really appreciate it, kid." Jess thought about adding an apology for Jeremy's room, but decided against it at the last minute, wanting to discuss that in person when they sorted everything else out. "I love you, Jeremy. Be safe." Jess ended the call and immediately opened his messenger app. He could hear water running in the bathroom and part of him wanted so badly to be brushing his teeth alongside Mallory before crawling into bed with her. It had been a long, stressful day and he felt worn out. But, he knew he had to take care of Jeremy's room now, before the boy came home. He typed out a message similar to the one he had just left on his son's voicemail, wanting to cover all the bases, in case the boy was somewhere where he couldn't pick up the phone, like a movie maybe.

Jess hit send and sighed to himself. He checked that his ringer was on and set the phone down on Jeremy's desk, crouching down to start picking up the school supplies strewn across the rug in front of him. He heard footsteps approaching and then Mallory was crouched next to him, in front of one of the drying puddles of Winston's vomit, a half-full roll of paper towels tucked under one arm, a handful of wet paper towels bunched in one hand, and an orange spray bottle of multipurpose cleaner in the other. She smiled brightly at him. "This will go much quicker with a team effort. Then we can go to bed together. Win-win."

"But-"

"Don't worry." Mallory said, and Jess was relieved to be cut off, unconvinced he had the strength to protest her help, even though he knew he should. "I promise not to do anything that Jeremy wouldn't be comfortable with. I'll leave straightening his underwear drawer to you."

Jess returned her smile at a lower wattage and leaned toward her for a slow, grateful kiss. He so loved this woman.

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Jeremy was realizing there was strategy to drowning your sorrows. Two beers hadn't done it. Not at all. They had just made everything worse, making Jeremy more emotional and more depressed, and panicked at the idea of breaking down in public. But, four beers, that was better. Now, he was getting somewhere. Winston and Jess no longer loomed as heavy on his mind. He was feeling comfortably social, at ease in a way he had never felt around so many people before. He was having conversations with people he barely knew without feeling nervous. He wasn't second guessing everything he said, or worrying about what anyone else thought of him. He felt free to be himself, and it felt amazing. Jeremy let Marty teach him to play beer pong and they won three games in a row before losing to Sean and one of his friends. Marty was annoyed, but Jeremy was ok with the loss, as he got the distinct impression that Sean spent a lot of time practicing.

By the time Jeremy got to talk to Jill alone, he was feeling pretty good. He had followed her into Sean's bedroom and found her sitting by herself on the bed, her head in her hands, next to a pile of winter coats.

"Jill?" The word felt weird in his mouth. "Jill." He said again, testing it out. "What are you…..what are you doing in here?" Jeremy felt a little strange, as if getting his words out was more difficult than usual, and he hoped it wouldn't compromise his ability to comfort Jill. He wanted to be there for her.

Jill looked up, but instead of looking in need of comfort like Jeremy had expected, she giggled. "I came in here to get my chapstick from my coat. But, I can't remember which one is my coat, so I gave up!" She laughed out loud then, as if she had just relayed a particularly funny story.

"Want me to uh….. I can help you look." Jeremy joined Jill on the bed and started digging through the pile of coats. "Did you wear your light blue ski jacket, or the long maroon puffer coat you wear on really cold days?"

"Awww….." Jill said. "You know what coats I have! That's nice, Jeremy. You're a nice Jeremy." She paused, as if realizing something was off in what she had said, then shrugged.

Jeremy felt himself tip to one side as he reached for a blue coat that he thought could be Jill's just beyond his reach. He felt like he should be able to right himself, but somehow couldn't and ended up lying on his side on top of the coats. The next thing he knew Jill was lying next to him, on her back looking up at the ceiling.

"You're a nice guy, Jeremy. A very nice one. Not like a stupid ass-face who would tell you he loves you, sleep with you before he goes away to college and then dump you three months later for some girl he met at school. On Thanksgiving of all days." She turned to face him. "On the actual day. On turkey day itself. Who fucking does that?"

"I'm really sorry, Jill. That sucks."

"I will never be able to enjoy cranberry sauce or pumpkin pie again, without my heart breaking. What kind of jerk ruins pumpkin pie for someone? And, I still had to sit through the holiday with my whole stupid family afterward. He knows how hard that is for me on a good day!"

Jeremy didn't know how to respond to that. "I'm really sorry, Jill. Break-ups suck."

"They do!" She nodded emphatically, like she was surprised to have discovered they shared what Jeremy thought was the universal view on break-ups. "They really do! So much!"

Jeremy felt like he should share something of himself with Jill. "My last girlfriend broke up with me." He paused, something felt not right about that. "Like, I was the one who moved away. I moved from Phila…..Philadel..." "I moved from Philly." Jill howled with laughter, as if Jeremy's inability to form the full name of the last city he lived in was the funniest thing she'd ever heard, and it made Jeremy smile. "So, I guess I actually left her. But, she was all like, she didn't want to stay in touch. I would have, but she was like, we had the experience we were meant to have with each other and we both needed to move on, which at the time, I thought made her all deep and like philoso…..fickle and stuff." Jill laughed again. "But later, I was like, that kind of sucks, right? To just cut me out like that, like I didn't matter to her at all."

"That does suck." Jill reached out a hand and was touching his hair now. Jeremy knew on some level that he should feel nervous, but he didn't. "Poor Jeremy. People suck and they're very stupid. And, also they suck, too." She frowned her disapproval over stupid people who suck, and Jeremy leaned in a little closer, putting their faces only a few inches apart, close enough that he could smell the strong scent of beer with every breath she took and knowing that she could likely do the same.

Jill moved forward, her lips on his and Jeremy melted into the kiss, putting one hand on her hip, feeling an amazing lack of self-consciousness, sliding his hand down her body, feeling the swell of her ass through her jeans. He felt her hands in motion, too, tugging at his belt buckle, opening the fly of his jeans, one hand grazing his skin inside his boxers, fumbling lower.

"So, this is where you disappeared to!" Jeremy instantly tensed at the chipper voice, feeling an acute sense of loss as Jill quickly pulled her hands back and disconnected her mouth from his, all contact gone. He watched Jill flip onto her back again, looking up at the intruder, the bright smile on her face telling him that she didn't mind the intrusion as much as he did.

"Ash! Ashy-Asherson!"

"What are you up to in here, Jillybean?" Jeremy studied the girl and was surprised to see that she seemed sober, or at least not drunk. He had only been to that first party at Marty's brother's place, but from the stories he heard from Marty, he had been under the impression that Ashley always got drunk at these things.

Jill giggled. "Nothing. Jeremy was helping me find my chapstick because my coat is in its pocket."

"Oh." Ashley smiled. "That makes total sense. Maybe I can help you guys look for it." She walked into the room and started sorting through the coats, easily locating her step-sister's blue ski parka and extracting it from the pile.

Jill sat up then, and Jeremy pushed himself up, too, realizing anything that had possibly been about to happen had been irrevocably derailed, at least for the night. "I need to pee." Jill said rising unsteadily to her feet. "I'll be right back."

Jeremy watched Jill leave the room and turned toward Ashley, who was standing by the bed, holding a black and white tube of chapstick.

"You're not drunk." Jeremy said.

Ashley laughed. "Wow, is my reputation really that bad?"

Jeremy couldn't tell if he had actually offended her or not, so he backtracked to be safe. "No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that-"

"It's ok, Jeremy. I usually do drink at these things. But, tonight's Jill's turn. She's had a rough week."

Jeremy could feel himself nodding, even though her answer confused him. "But, couldn't you both drink?"

Ashley leveled a surprisingly serious look at him. "We could, but if we both drank tonight with the mood Jill's in, she might end up fucking the first guy who got her alone in the bedroom on a pile of coats." Jeremy could feel his face warming with shame. "And, I know my sister. And, she would regret that tomorrow." Jeremy felt his face fall and struggled to not look crushed by this piece of information, but he could tell he had failed when Ashley let out an exasperated sigh. "I don't mean that she would regret being with you, specifically, Jeremy. And, it's not that I don't think you're a nice guy, because I do. And, god knows you're both big school nerds, so you've got that in common. But, it's too soon. And, she's drunk. And, it's my job to watch out for her tonight." She studied him and Jeremy felt himself growing slightly uncomfortable under her gaze. "She's certainly taken care of my drunk-ass enough times."

"She's the one who started…..stuff with me. Just so you know. I was just trying to help her find her chapstick." Jeremy didn't want Jill's sister to hate him. He got distracted by the observation that Ashley described Jill as her sister, but Jill always called Ashley her step-sister. He wondered how that made Ashley feel.

"Jeremy." Ashley's voice was firm, adult sounding, and it made him feel like a little kid. "I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just telling you that I'm taking her home now." Ashley started toward the door, Jill's blue ski jacket and her own puffy green jacket in her arms. "Enjoy the rest of your evening." She smiled at him over her shoulder. "And, drink some water, ok? Trust me, you'll be glad you did."

Jeremy sat on the bed for a moment, his conversation with Ashley leaving him with a vaguely bad feeling in his gut. He felt uncomfortable at the idea that Ashley didn't trust him with Jill. But, why would she? Why would anyone trust him? The events of Jeremy's day rushed back to the front of his mind as evidence of his lack of trustworthiness. He wondered how Winston was doing right now. If the little guy was able to sleep, or if he was too scared and sad to get any rest. He felt a rush of guilt as he thought about everything Winston had gone through. All because Jeremy sucked. He thought about how he still needed to face Jess about the lying and the drug use, and he felt his stomach drop at the thought. He wondered what Jess thought of him now. He wished he could go back in time and redo this whole day. He hated himself so much for what he had done, and what he had put his family through. Jeremy realized Ashley was right. It was time to go home. Jeremy got up from the bad and staggered slightly on his feet. He pulled his own coat out of the pile and slipped out of the bedroom, walking quickly through the hallway and out the door, not wanting to risk running into Ashley by going back into the living room to say goodbye to Marty. Jeremy reached into his pants to pull out his phone, checked his jacket pocket, as well, before remembering that he had left it in his backpack in the Uber earlier. Jeremy walked over to his car. He wasn't all that far from home. And, he didn't feel drunk anymore. He felt mentally pretty clear even though his body felt a little less cooperative than normal. He unlocked the door and flopped himself into the driver's seat. He started the car and turned on the heat. He would just give himself a few minutes to sober up the rest of the way before he started driving.

He sat there alone in the dark, his consciousness drifting through every dark place in his mind. The new ones, the fear that his lying may have irrevocably altered his relationship with Jess. That Jeremy might not be the beneficiary of the same love and trust from Jess that he had been only a day before. He pictured Jess's face at the vet as he told him that he was staying at Mallory's, and he realized it was possible that Jess would never really forgive him for this, that their relationship would never be the same again. And, he got it. If Jess had done something this stupid that almost killed Winston, Jeremy could honestly admit that he didn't know if he'd be able to look at Jess the same way. That something could still happen with Winston. He was an old dog, and maybe his body wouldn't recover as well as the doctor expected, maybe he would die alone and scared and feeling abandoned at the hospital in the middle of the night. And, Jeremy would have to live with that forever. Then the old familiar dark thoughts surfaced, the loss of his mother, the one true source of unconditional love he ever had or ever would. And the burning, panicky, unshakable fear, that something was coming to balance out all the recent good in his life, some cosmic equalizer that would bring his life back into balance, delivering him once again into the lonely void that had made up most of his childhood, leaving him alone again, like he deserved. The kick in the head this time was how blatantly responsible for it he was. If he ended up alone again over this, it would be his own stupid fault. Jeremy couldn't take anymore of this. He turned the radio up loud and put the car in drive.

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The longer the night dragged on without word from Jeremy, the angrier Jess found himself getting. He understood where Jeremy was coming from, up to a point. The kid was pissed that Jess had violated his privacy and searched through his room the way he had. He got that. But, they had a mutually agreed upon policy of letting the other person know where they were going and when they'd be back, and Jeremy was in direct violation of that agreement. He understood the kid's lack of response to his initial text. He had figured Jeremy wanted to give him a great big 'fuck you' after Jess had run off to Mallory's place. Getting no response to his first text had felt relatively fair to Jess. Jeremy was alone and hurting. But, now, coming on one thirty in the morning on a fucking Tuesday, Jeremy ignoring his text messages, the whole mess of them that Jess had sent, was starting to feel punitive, and that pissed Jess off. Yes, Jess had trashed Jeremy's room looking for drugs, and yes, he had bailed on his son when he hadn't felt ready to handle the conversation they needed to have without losing it on him. Jess had no delusions about any of that making him a candidate for father of the year. But, he didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve to be sitting up all night wondering where his kid was while his increasingly desperate text messages, _c'mon Jeremy, please just write back and let me know you're ok, kid_, went unanswered. He had gone through the panic stage and was now onto anger. He pictured Jeremy glancing at his phone as every new text came in, smiling in satisfaction as he imagined Jess worrying himself stupid at home. Jess didn't deserve that.

Jess was sitting in Luke's armchair in the living room, so he wouldn't disturb Mallory. He had been trying to read, but had given up about twenty minutes ago when he had found himself reading the same sentence over and over again. This was one of the handful of times that Jess found himself honestly questioning why he had thought becoming a single parent to a teenage boy had been a good idea. Had he really not remembered from his own adolescence what vindictive little shits kids were? He didn't need to be treated like this by someone he bent over backwards doing things for and trying to make happy. For a moment, Jess let himself picture what his life would be like without his son, if it were just him and Mallory, dating and starting their own family together. He wondered if he would still have met Mallory if he didn't have Jeremy. Certainly, he wouldn't have run into her at the school's parents' night and their first date wouldn't have been the high school prom, but maybe she would have recognized him in the Uber and that ride would have been enough. Maybe he would have asked her out that night in the car, without feeling like he couldn't because of her connection to his son. But then it occurred to him that he might not have come back to Stars Hollow at all, if he hadn't had Jeremy to take care of.

He thought about what a different person he had become in the past year. He could remember ending a run at the river in Philly, when he thought he would be moving to New York for his job at Truncheon, and how he had mourned leaving behind the version of himself he had been in Philly, worrying that he would never be as happy or feel as good about himself again as he had during that period of his life. But, he thought about how much farther he had come as a person since returning to Stars Hollow. Even though he didn't have his own place or the job in publishing that he had found so fulfilling, he still felt that who he was right now was the best iteration of Jess Mariano that had ever existed. He had grown more as a person, matured to the point that he could fully appreciate everything his uncle had done for him along with all the things Luke hadn't done to him that he had probably deserved. He had come to a place of, if not quite forgiveness for his childhood, then relatively peaceful co-existence with his mother, and had even developed a measure of respect for the kind of parents Liz and TJ were to Doula even if Liz hadn't been capable of as much when he was a kid. He had even worked through his issues with Lorelai and Rory, giving Luke the comfortable family he had always wanted. He had turned into the type of loving, caring man that someone like Mallory could fall in love with. A man that Charisse deserved and would have been happy to have if he had gotten his shit together when they had been together. But, he hadn't. He couldn't have back then. His most meaningful evolution had all started with Jeremy. He loved that kid. And, while certain aspects of his life would be easier if he hadn't adopted a child, nothing would be as good. He was sure of that. Jeremy had helped to fill an emptiness in Jess that he hadn't even been fully aware he'd had.

Jess sighed and picked up his book again, trying to focus on where he left off when he heard a car pull up in front of the diner. Jess was on his feet immediately, pushing aside the curtain and peering out the window. Something in his stomach unclenched at the sight of Jeremy's car parked in front of the diner, indicating his son was home, safe and sound. He heard the sound of the motor being turned off and watched the area around the car become dark as the headlights switched off. The driver's side door swung open slowly and Jess watched Jeremy in the dim light from the street lamps. The boy placed one foot on the curb, then slowly eased himself out of the car, using the door for support. Jess's first thought, one he would feel ridiculously naive for later, was one of sympathy, that Jeremy must have injured himself somehow. But, as he watched the boy walk down the sidewalk, weaving a little unsteadily on his feet, stumbling his way around the mailbox on the corner, it hit Jess that his son had been drinking. And had gotten behind the wheel anyway. Jesus fucking christ. Jess felt himself growing so hot with rage that he felt like his blood was boiling in his veins. He felt his anger like a living breathing organism pounding away in his brain and he knew he needed to calm down, to just calm the fuck down. He counted to ten and took a deep breath with each number. His mind went to Andrew and Celeste, picturing them getting a life altering late night call from the police. He had only gotten to seven when Jeremy walked in.

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Jeremy opened the door to the apartment wanting nothing but his bed. He squinted against the light, not remembering leaving the lights on when he had left. Then Jess was on him, in his face, mad.

"What the fuck, Jeremy! Are you drunk right now? Did you seriously fucking drive yourself home drunk?"

"What? No. No. I'm fine." Jeremy could feel his heart beating fast in his chest. He didn't feel completely normal yet, but he was pretty sure he wasn't _drunk_. Not really. Not like drunk-driving drunk. He would never do that. He went to take a step back from Jess and almost lost his footing, stumbling a little, his back hitting the wall behind him.

"No? You're not drunk?" Jess moved with him, closing the distance between them, his face close enough that Jeremy could smell minty fresh toothpaste on his breath. "You just can't remember how to walk without banging into walls and tripping over mailboxes? Is that what you're telling me?"

Jeremy frowned, looking around him. "What mailbox?"

"I can't believe you would drive like this. I can't believe you would be this incredibly stupid!"

Jess was raising his voice and Jeremy didn't think it was fair. He just needed to explain himself, to make Jess understand what had happened. He wasn't drunk. That was ridiculous. "Maybe I had a little to drink, Jess." He paused. "Dad!" There. That always made Jess happy and Jeremy smiled as he mentally congratulated himself for his good thinking. "But I'm not _drunk _or anything. I would never do that, drive like that. That's crazy! So, goodnight, I guess."

Jeremy reached out to pat Jess on the chest and started to walk past him, only to find himself grabbed roughly by his outstretched wrist and opposite shoulder and slammed back into the wall. Jeremy eyes were wide with shock at Jess's manhandling. He could tell Jess was serious, and he started to feel a little scared, with Jess's hands on both shoulders now, pinning him to the wall, his wrist sore, Jess silently fuming, anger rolling off the man in waves. It all felt so wrong. Jeremy didn't need to be scared of Jess. Jess loved him. He was nice to him. He was his forever person. Then Jeremy remembered how Jess had ransacked his room, and he wondered to what extent things had changed between them today.

"I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you lately, Jeremy, but this shit stops now! All of it! Do you hear me?" Jeremy nodded, unsure of what he was actually committing to, but feeling that it was in his best interest to agree with Jess right now. "You lie to my face. You do drugs behind my back. And, I know it wasn't just pot. I found your pills, too. You leave that shit lying around somewhere for Winston to get into them. Winston could have died, Jeremy!" Jess was yelling now, right in Jeremy's face, and Jeremy felt sad, shameful tears pooling in his eyes. Jess hated him now. "Then you get caught, and instead of just going the fuck to bed, you what? You decide to double down on how much trouble you're in? You go out without telling me where you're going. You refuse to answer your fucking phone or text me back all night! And, if that isn't shitty enough, you drive your stupid, drunk ass home and endanger everyone else on the road! You don't get to do that! Any of it!"

Jeremy could feel tears spilling over, running down his face. Jess was right. He was stupid. And, he deserved it if Jess hated him. He tried to look away, off to the side, anywhere but at Jess, but Jess only moved his face closer to Jeremy's, angling to block his escape, forcing him to make eye contact, his grip tight on Jeremy's shoulders, his fingers digging into flesh even through the thick material of his peacoat.

"You could have killed yourself tonight, Jeremy. Or worse, you could have killed someone else, some innocent person just trying to get home to their family. You could be on your way to jail right now, living with what you did for the rest of your life! Jesus Christ, Jeremy, what the fuck were you thinking! Do you have any idea how stupid drunk driving is! Or what a selfish asshole you are for doing it!"

Jeremy shrank back against the wall, trying to get as far away from Jess as he could, tears running down his face. Then Mallory was there, breaking Jess's hold on his left shoulder, moving into the space between them, her back to Jeremy. She was so close that Jeremy could feel her cotton pajama-pant-covered ass brush lightly against the front of his jeans and for a brief moment he feared he would get an erection from the contact. He concentrated on staving it off and looked over her shoulder. She had one palm flat on Jess's chest, holding him at bay, the expression on her face serious.

"Jess." Mallory's voice was firm, but still neutral. "I think we all need to take a minute here. How about if we all sleep on this, and pick this conversation back up in the morning, when we're all sober and calm, and not going to do or say anything we might regret?"

Jeremy was amazed when it worked. He felt Jess's grip on his right shoulder relax, then disappear completely. He watched Jess back up a step, run one hand through his hair, looking at a spot somewhere to the right of Jeremy's head as he took a couple of deep breaths. He held both his hands up, palms out and took another step back. Mallory eased away from Jeremy, stepping to the side, so she was no longer the buffer between them. Jeremy wiped at his face with the sleeve of his jacket, embarrassed by his tears now that he had a moment to mentally catch up with what was happening. "Fine. Ok." Jess told Mallory, his tone neutral, the volume back to normal. He turned to Jeremy. "C'mere, Jeremy." Jess half-turned from Jeremy and looked back, clearly expecting the boy to follow. When Jeremy didn't, standing frozen to his spot instead, Jess grabbed hold of Jeremy's bicep and pulled him forward, his grip not exactly gentle, but still calm, and nowhere near as forceful as his earlier one.

Jeremy realized he was being led toward the couch, and for one brief, heart-stopping moment, Jeremy's alcohol-fuzzy brain was sure Jess intended to put him over his knee and spank him like a little kid for what he had done. Jeremy felt his face burning up, his heart pounding as he remembered Jess's voice jokingly telling him to go fetch him a belt after Jeremy had spilled his juice on Jess's laptop back in Philadelphia. Jeremy pulled back sharply, digging in his heels, only to be greeted by an almost comically incredulous look from Jess. "Really? This is what you choose to fight me on?" Jeremy stood non-compliant in front of Jess, unsure what to do, feeling a real panic coming on. Jess gestured toward the couch, his jaw clenched tightly as he spoke. "Sit down, Jeremy. Now."

Jeremy sat down on the couch, feeling a wave of relief at having misjudged the situation as Jess perched on the coffee table directly in front of him, and Mallory crossed the room behind Jess to sit on the edge of Luke's armchair.

"Jeremy." Jess leaned slightly forward, making direct eye contact. "All I really want to tell you tonight is that I love you very much. Even with everything that's happened today. I love you. Ok? I need you to know that. I shouldn't have gone to Mallory's place earlier. I should have come home and told you this then, and been here for you." Jess sighed. "That being said, I'm really upset about your behavior today, your behavior for the past few weeks, really…But, we'll talk about all that in the morning. Ok?"

Jeremy could feel himself crying again, this time tears of shame and regret instead of fear. He nodded his head. "Ok." His voice sounded off to his own ears, wet and thick. "All I want you to know is that I'm sorry. Really, really sorry. And, I love you, too."

Jess let out a terse exhale and Jeremy could tell that Jess's anger wasn't gone, but that he was working at holding it in. Jess was putting in an effort to control his temper and Jeremy was grateful for it. Jess leaned forward and crushed Jeremy against his chest for a hug, kissing him on the side of the head, and releasing the boy sooner than Jeremy would have liked.

"All right. It's late. Let's all get to bed now." Jess rose from the coffee table, his expression tight.

Mallory and Jeremy stood, too. Mallory covered the steps between them, a small smile on her face, and wrapped Jeremy in a hug. "I'm glad you're home safe, Jeremy."

Jeremy held on to her for a moment. "I'm glad you're here." Then dropped his voice, small and low, for Mallory only. "Thank you for saving me, Mallory."

Jess scoffed, his voice reaching Jeremy as background noise. "Oh, for Christ's sake! Seriously?"

Mallory pulled back from the hug with a small smile on her face. "Goodnight, Jeremy."

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Jess could see Mallory's eyes closed in the dark, but he knew she couldn't be asleep this quickly. His confrontation with Jeremy was still weighing on his mind, one aspect in particular rankling more and more as he tossed it around in his head.

"I wasn't going to hit him." Jess half-whispered the words, keeping them low enough that Mallory could pretend not to hear if she didn't want to engage further, but needing to get them off his chest, to make sure she understood.

Mallory's eyes opened and she stared intently at him, their faces only a few inches apart, each on the edge of their respective pillow.

"I would never do that." Jess said. "I need you to know that."

"I didn't think you were going to hit him." Jess tried to gage whether she was being honest, but her tone gave nothing away. He wanted to believe her. The alternative, her thinking he was capable of something like that, felt too awful to consider. But, her actions in the living room had told a different story.

"Huh." Jess tried to keep his tone light. He wasn't looking to pick a fight, but he felt that he needed to make his stance on what happened clear. "I'm not sure I got that from the way you jumped in between us like you were breaking up a fight."

Mallory's brow furrowed. "Are you upset that I intervened?"

Jess felt like it was a loaded question, one that he should answer carefully. "I wouldn't say I'm upset. But, I felt like you….. undermined me to a certain extent with Jeremy. And, made me look worse than I am…." Jess paused to collect his thoughts. "Like, that whole Jeremy thanking you for saving him from me? That made me feel like shit, like I'm some kind of monster that my kid needs protecting from, and I don't know if he would have looked at it that way if you hadn't done what you did."

Mallory nodded, her expression serious, and Jess could tell she was going into her counselor mode, and he felt himself getting annoyed in response. "Jeremy's been drinking. He wasn't thinking straight when he said that. I didn't mean to make you look bad. I just wanted to make sure things didn't escalate."

"I think the message Jeremy got tonight, was that you don't trust me to deal with him when I'm angry. And, if you don't trust me, it's not a huge leap for him to make that maybe he shouldn't trust me either."

Her mouth formed a sad frown. "It was a long, emotional day for both of you, Jess. I think Jeremy's reaction was emotional instead of logical. He probably felt pretty scared and embarrassed when you were yelling at him. He was relieved when it stopped. That's all. He trusts you very much. I know that for a fact. He knows he doesn't need to be saved from you."

"You practically pushed me off him." He heard it come out like an accusation.

Mallory studied him carefully for a moment. "Jess, I woke up to yelling, swearing and name-calling. All of it one sided, and all of it very angry. The first thing I saw when I walked out of the bedroom was you slamming your teenage son into the wall and holding him there while you got up in his face." Mallory's expression grew firm. "I love you. Very much. But I will never be the kind of woman who stands by doing nothing while you bully or mistreat a child, no matter what that child has done. If that's the kind of partner you're looking for, it's not me."

Jess stared at her in something akin to shock. _Bully? Mistreat? _He hadn't done either of those things. He had been rightfully angry at the seemingly endless string of reckless, stupid shit Jeremy had done, and he had let him know. Maybe his approach had been a little on the aggressive side, but he wasn't a bully or an abuser. Mallory stared back, the firmness in her eyes unwavering.

"What the hell kind of thing is that to say?" Jess felt none of the anger he expected the accusation to trigger, only bone-deep sadness that this was how the woman he loved saw him, as a man so pathetic he bullied children, like so many of the men Liz had brought home during his childhood. "I don't _bully_ him. I don't _mistreat_ him."

"Then, what would you call it? You called him a selfish asshole. You repeatedly told him how stupid he is-"

"I did not! I told him how stupid drunk driving is." Jess hoped he was right. It was certainly the message he had meant to convey, but things had gotten a little out of control and he honestly wasn't sure how it had come out. "Don't you think there's a difference there? A pretty substantial one?"

Mallory sighed. "Every other word out of your mouth was 'fuck.' You were up in his face, holding him against the wall. You physically slammed him into the wall when he tried to walk away from you. If Jeremy was still a minor-." She paused. "If I had witnessed another father in that much of a rage putting his hands on his minor child like that, I would be lying here very seriously contemplating my duty as a mandated reporter."

Jess pulled away, not sitting up, but propping himself up on one forearm, needing physical space from his girlfriend. "Are you kidding?"

"No, I'm not. You were a little scary tonight, Jess. I can't imagine how I would have felt in Jeremy's shoes. You had the right to be angry, of course you did, what Jeremy did was terrible and dangerous and criminal, but how you handled it, the rage and the physical intimidation…..I just don't think it's the right way to treat your child." She seemed to be waiting for Jess to speak, but he was dumbstruck as he watched her. "And, I don't mean to sound harsh here, or judgemental. I understand that during times of stress people often revert to the behaviors that were modeled for them most consistently in their childhood, and I get that most of the parental modeling you were exposed to as a child wasn't exactly healthy."

Jess was sitting up now, but couldn't remember having pulled himself off the bed. "Yeah? Well, if I'm such a shitty parent, why are you with me? Why were you talking about having a family with me the other night? Fostering more kids together because it's _so_ _special_ that we're the kind of people that are capable of loving children that aren't ours?" Jess felt the sarcasm thick in his voice and his mind flew back to a fight with Charisse, her telling him that he hid behind sarcasm like a coward when things got too real, emotionally. "Why would you want to do that with me when you obviously think I'm someone who should be reported to DCFS for bullying and abusing the kid he already has?" Jess felt his voice trying to raise and worked to keep it level. "You think if Jeremy were still a minor, he should be taken away from me because getting pissed that my kid _broke the law_ and did something that _could have killed someone_ makes me an unfit parent."

"I never said Jeremy should be taken away from you, Jess. I don't think that, and I certainly don't think you're an unfit parent." Mallory was sitting up now, too.

Jess got out of bed, starting pulling on a pair of sweatpants over his boxers. "Where are you going?" Mallory asked, her voice tired and strained.

"I'm going to stay up for a while." Jess didn't look at her as he spoke, feeling the tension in his jaw for the second time that night. "I'll be in the living room."

"Jess, c'mon. Do you really need to get away from me that badly? Please stay here. Let's talk this through. I don't want this conversation to end like this-."

"Yeah, well, I need it to end. You know, before I do or say something I regret." Jess knew it was juvenile to throw her earlier words back at her like this, but he couldn't seem to help himself. "I don't want to get accused of bullying or mistreating you, too."

He was pulling on a hoodie, when Mallory threw back the blankets and stood up on her side of the bed. "How about I just go home instead? I think that makes the most sense for both of us right now."

Jess watched her change back into her jeans and sweater in a state of disbelief that the night had ended like this. A moment later he listened to the apartment door shut as Mallory walked out. A moment after that, he remembered that he had driven Mallory over in his car and he pulled on boots and his winter jacket and let himself out of the apartment, pulling on his hat and gloves as he descended the back staircase into the cold early morning.

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Jess caught up with Mallory a little over a block away. She turned at the sound of his fast approaching footsteps, and he hated the scared expression he saw in her eyes in the moment before she recognized him

"Sorry, it's just me." Jess fell into step beside her, keeping a respectful distance between them, his eyes on the street in front of them.

"I'm not going back with you. I really do think going home is the right thing for me to do right now."

Jess nodded. "I get it. Is it ok if I walk you there? I happen to think that's the right thing for me to do right now."

Jess could hear the tiredness in her voice. "Fine. But, you're not staying at my place either."

"I didn't ask to. I just don't want you walking home by yourself this late. Or this early, I guess."

Mallory's only response was a soft exhale, the puff of breath visible in front of her face in the cold.

They walked the rest of the way to Mallory's place, almost three quarters of a mile, in silence, Jess turning over the events of the night and their last conversation in his mind. He could admit to himself that he had felt a measure of relief when Mallory had interceded with Jeremy, saving Jess from himself. But, he had also been honest in bed, that her actions had embarrassed him and left him feeling resentful and undermined in front of his son. He wasn't sure he could validate both perspectives at once and he knew he needed to examine the situation in more depth, to unpack the events of the night when he was alone, look at each one from all sides, and try to make sense of how he felt and who he wanted to be. When they had only a few blocks left to go, Jess felt Mallory's hand slip into his jacket pocket, her gloved fingers entwining themselves with his. He squeezed her hand lightly and shot a glance at her from the corner of his eye. Mallory was still focused straight ahead, as if her hand had sought his on its own. Jess walked her to her door and waited as she unlocked it.

"Goodnight, Mal."

"Goodnight, Jess. Thanks for the walk."

"No problem." He nodded. "Is it ok if I call you tomorrow to talk?" He had that same nervous, butterfly feeling that he always associated with a first date, the one that accompanied asking a woman he really liked if he could see her again, the possible rejection hovering over him until he got a response. And, this time he felt like there was so much at stake.

"Of course it is." She tilted her head to one side, her expression the friendliest it had been since they had come outside. "Or, you could just come over for dinner, if you want to. I like talking to you in person better anyway."

"Ok." Jess smiled, and Mallory smiled back, leaning in for a quick goodnight kiss. "But, I might have to bring Winston with me, if that's ok. Jeremy's working tomorrow night and I don't want to leave the little guy by himself on his first night home."

"Winston's always welcome here." There was affection there now, in her voice and her expression, and Jess drank it in thirstily, even as part of him was still reeling from their earlier conversation. The one thing he knew for sure was that he wasn't ready for what he had with Mallory to be over. He wanted to work this out. "Do you want me to drive you back to your place?"

"Naw. Thanks, but I'm good." And, he realized he was. Exhausted, but good. Tomorrow he would pick up Winston from the vet, give that little guy all kinds of love, give his son a very stern talking to, but remember to give that little guy some love, too, and end the night with the woman he thought he might have lost just twenty minutes ago. Jess turned and headed home. First things first. He needed to come up with a plan of how to talk to his son and express his profound anger and disappointment in a manner sufficient to deter a repeat of the kid's reckless and irresponsible behavior, while still remaining a calm and rational adult and a loving and supportive parent. He got the distinct impression that was easier said than done.


	17. Chapter 17 - Talking it Through

**Chapter 17 Notes:** Jess's family is reunited, and Jess and Jeremy talk through what happened. Aside from the victim impact panel, everything else Jeremy researches is Connecticut law (according to my research). I feel like this story is turning into the home stretch at this point. Thank you to everyone who is still reading and following and most of all to those of you who are still generous enough to take your time to share your thoughts with me. I love reading your reviews and feedback. :) Be warned that this is my longest chapter ever, about 12k words, but it couldn't be helped. These gentlemen had a lot to get sorted out. :)

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls

Jess was sitting at the table, one hand loosely cupping the mug of coffee in front of him, the other holding his cell phone as he listened through headphones to the chipper woman from the veterinary clinic telling him that Winston was good to go and could be picked up anytime. That the little guy was doing well this morning. That the doctor would talk to Jess when he came in, but the marijuana seemed to have passed through Winston's system without further incident and there were no lingering symptoms. Jess let out a sigh. He thanked her and told her he would be there in twenty minutes. He ended the call and set his phone down on the table, trying to decide what he should do about Jeremy. He knew Jeremy would want to see his dog as soon as he could, and Jess liked the idea of them going together to pick up their smallest family member. Something about springing Winston from the vet reminded Jess of when they had rescued him from the shelter that was going to euthanize him, and he thought that he and Jeremy doing this together might rekindle some of the feeling of that much happier day over a year ago. He looked toward Jeremy's room. Door still closed, no sound coming from within yet this morning. He knew Jeremy would likely be sleeping off a hangover for a while, and as much as he liked the idea of doing this with Jeremy, he didn't want to keep his other child, the little fuzzy one who had done nothing wrong in this situation, waiting any longer than he needed to. But, on the other hand, he didn't want Jeremy to wake up to find him gone. That wasn't how he wanted to set the tone for the conversation they needed to have. He wondered how parents managed to juggle the needs of multiple children and if anyone ever did it successfully.

Jess sighed again as he stood up from the table. He walked into the kitchen and poured the dregs of his coffee into the sink, running some water into his mug before setting it down in the sink. His mouth stretched wide in a yawn. The coffee hadn't helped. He was exhausted. After walking Mallory home, he had laid in bed awake for a good part of the night, reflecting on what had happened and how he should handle things with Jeremy today. He had texted Andrew earlier this morning, filling him in about Winston's overdose, but not Jeremy's subsequent behavior because talking to Andrew about what his son had done felt too torturous to contemplate. Andrew had let him switch his schedule so he could take the day off to keep an eye on Winston and make up the hours on the weekend. It would mean he would work both Saturday and Sunday this week, but it felt like the best option. He thought about Mallory, starting her day now, probably just as tired as he was, and heading off to school to face problem-ridden high school kids. He felt guilty about that. He wondered how she was feeling in general, about him, and last night, and everything. It struck him that the person he had been only a few years ago might not have gone after her last night. That guy might have needed more time to stew on what she had said and lick his wounds. That guy might have lost out on one of the best things in his life, like he had with Charisse. Jess was glad he wasn't that guy anymore. He pulled on his coat, deciding to let Jeremy sleep. He pulled a small notebook out of the junk drawer and grabbed a pen. _Hey Jeremy, I went to pick up Winston. Be back soon. _He wanted to add a directive for Jeremy to not even think about leaving the apartment until he got back, telling him that they needed to talk. But, he wasn't sure he could do that. Jeremy had school. He had three classes today and for all Jess knew, today's classes might involve tests or presentations that Jeremy wouldn't want to miss. And, Jeremy was an adult, so whether he went to school or not was up to him. Although, if the kid didn't get up soon, he was going to miss his first class, at least. Jess hated the idea of waiting for Jeremy to get back from school so that they could talk, but he knew this had to be Jeremy's choice. He signed, _Love, Dad_, and headed out the door.

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The first thought Jeremy had when he woke up was how much his head hurt. He rolled onto his side, and processed how generally achy his body felt and how dry his mouth was. He felt lousy and he wondered if he was coming down with the flu. He sat up on the edge of the bed and was instantly hit by a bout of nausea. He sat still a moment, taking in his room as he waited for the feeling to pass. His eyes focused on his desktop in the morning light, everything perfectly orderly, but not how he usually kept it organized. It was then that everything came rushing back. Jess searching his room and finding his drugs. Winston getting sick from ingesting Jeremy's pot. Breaking down with Luke in the truck. Jeremy felt a pit in his stomach at the memories and at the sight of Winston's empty bed on the floor. He remembered rushing to the vet from school and leaving his laptop and phone in the Uber. He looked at his nightstand, as if to verify that his phone was missing from its usual spot. It was, as was the nightstand drawer, which seemed odd. Then he remembered the rest of the night, the parts that felt like a dream. Finding his room trashed. Kissing Jill on a pile of coats at the party, her hand in his pants. Driving home when he knew he shouldn't. Jess in his face, screaming and telling him how stupid he was. He felt horrified at what he had done, feeling a new wave of nausea that he knew was only partially caused by the hangover.

Then, his mind unlocked the last memory of the night. Lying in bed, listening to Jess and Mallory, their voices far enough away that he hadn't been able to make out the words. But, the arguing tone had been unmistakable. So had the sound of one set of footsteps moving through the living room, the apartment door opening and closing. Jeremy had thought that Mallory had left because of him. Maybe for good. He didn't think Jess would ever forgive him if Mallory had broken up with him because of what Jeremy had done. Jeremy knew he would never forgive himself. Then, he had heard more footsteps, the door again, and he had realized that Jess was leaving with her. He thought about that now and felt sick with grief and regret. They hadn't wanted to be around him anymore, and he had ended up alone, after all. Something hot and vile gurgled in his throat, and he knew he was going to throw up. He stood and rushed toward the bathroom.

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Jess patiently waited his turn at the reception desk, put a hefty sum on his credit card, and listened to the doctor tell him that Winston was fine, and such a sweet boy, to just keep and eye on him and everything should be fine. Then a tech was leading his dog into the waiting area on a leash, and Jess was down on one knee, so happy to see his boy, baby-talking and praising, kissing and being kissed, while Winston danced excitedly around him, toenails clicking on the tile floor, whining his relief, knowing that Jess's presence meant that his ordeal was over.

It wasn't until Jess was sitting in the backseat of the Mazda buckling Winston into his safety harness and clicking the seatbelt into place that he felt himself choking up a little, both at how close he had come to losing Winston yesterday and at the knowledge that one day in the not so distant future, he would walk into a vet's office with an old, possibly sick, Winston and walk out with one less member of his family. He had never lost anyone he loved before, not like that. He had loved Charisse, but he had lost her to his own stupidity. Rory, too, he supposed, but to a lesser extent of both love and stupidity. He had felt Jimmy's absence his whole life, but he hadn't known him to love before the man left. Even after the time Jess spent with him in California, when their communication had slowed to a trickle, a call or email maybe once a year, an exchange of birthday cards, there hadn't been enough genuine emotion between them for Jess to have mistaken it for love. The loss afterward had been expected. But, no one he loved had ever died.

He had never really considered getting a dog prior to having Jeremy in his life. He had viewed dog ownership as a burden, and dogs as flea-carrying, pooping nuisances that needed to be fed and walked with such regularity that their owners had to work their own schedules around their dog's needs. He had never thought having a dog was for him. But, now he knew better. Now, he understood what a comfort a dog could be. He loved having someone in his life who was always happy to see him and who radiated pure love. Who didn't lie to him, or sneak around behind his back. Who didn't judge his parenting skills, or care that he hadn't gone to college, or find him lacking in any way. Someone who just existed in the space next to him, offering silent and constant companionship. He loved this dog more than he would have thought possible, and the idea of losing him hurt.

Jess bent over the sitting dog, hugging him gently to his chest. "I love you so much, buddy." He pulled back and looked Winston in the eye, his expression solemn as he stroked the dog's head soothingly. "I'm so sorry about yesterday, boy. So sorry. I promise I'll never let anything like that happen to you again." His serious voice gave way to the goofy baby-talk tone that always got Winston's tail wagging the hardest. "No, I won't. Cause you're my good boy, aren't you? Who's Daddy's good boy?" Winston's tail thrummed against the back cushion as it wagged in the confined space. "Winston's Daddy's good boy! Yes, he is! Winston's a good boy!" Winston whined his excitement and licked at Jess's face, and Jess grinned as he soaked up the enthusiastic affection. He thought about the other big plus of dog ownership, how gratifying it felt to be able to make someone this happy just by being himself. "What do you say we go home and see your brother now, huh? Drag his ass right out of bed? Does that sound like fun? Yeah? It sounds fun to me, too."

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Jess unclipped the leash from Winston's collar in the hallway, knowing that the dog sniffing excitedly at the apartment door, whining low in his throat, could only mean one thing. Jeremy was in the living room. Jess opened the door and allowed Winston to rush in ahead of him, reflecting on how energetic Winston could still be at his age with the proper motivation. Jess saw his son, lying on his side on the couch, sit up at the sight of his dog, then kneel on the floor as the two enthusiastically greeted each other, Jeremy apologizing profusely, and Winston, uninterested in prior bad acts, soaking up the love, entirely present in the moment.

Jess let himself enjoy watching his boys for a moment before he walked in and approached them. Jeremy looked up at Jess right away, his hands still in motion on the dog, petting and carding through fur, his happy expression gone, replaced by apprehension.

Jess pulled off his jacket and laid it across the seat of the armchair. He did his best to keep his expression and voice neutral, wanting to come off as firmly in control, a parent who was angry over what happened, but not still mad at his kid. "I hate to break up the love fest going on here, but we really do need to talk."

Jeremy nodded and moved to get to his feet. Jess had pictured this conversation with him sitting across the kitchen table from his son, but when he thought about it now, he realized it didn't need to be that way. He knew Winston was enjoying the attention and if it made Jeremy more comfortable sitting next to his dog, running a hand over his furry little body, maybe talking right here was better.

"You don't have to get up. How about if I join you guys, instead?" Jess took in the mild surprise in his son's eyes, and registered a small piece of relief that Jess was making this small concession, as if the boy recognized that it could only be the precursor to good things, like forgiveness. Jess tilted his head toward the kitchen. "You need anything before I sit? Water? Juice? I'm thinking you should rehydrate this morning."

Jess saw the boys eyes dart to the empty glass on the coffee table. "Some more water would be awesome. But, I can get it."

Jeremy started to rise again, but Jess took three quick strides across the center of the living room and beat him to the glass, laying a gentle hand briefly on the boy's head as he passed, wanting some kind of contact with his kid. "I got it. I'll be right back."

Jess returned with the full water glass and handed it to his son before he joined him on the floor, facing Jeremy, with Winston between them.

"Thanks." Jeremy shifted onto his ass, knees out to the sides, ankles crossed in front of him, the hand not holding the glass still petting Winston, who was now laying on his side in front of Jeremy, his butt against Jeremy's legs, getting his belly rubbed. Jess took in the boy across from him, bedhead, pajamas, stocking feet and all. The kid looked young. He was young. Jess tried to remind himself that young often went well with stupid, and he could buy into that for the drugs and the lying, but the idea of Jeremy willfully getting behind the wheel when he was drunk still left Jess with a horrible, disgusted feeling in his gut. He hated that Jeremy had done it. He hated that Jeremy had given him a reason to feel like this about his son's behavior. Jess reached out a hand and pet Winston's head, the part of the dog closest to him, with a slow, soothing touch, gently running his fingers along a floppy ear to help relieve some of his own tension.

"You know what I was thinking about today?" Jess asked, keeping his tone conversational. Jeremy stared at him, his expression pained and nervous, and Jess could tell the kid wasn't sure if he should reply or if it was some kind of trap. Jess answered his own question to put the boy out of his misery. "I was thinking about how we used to take Winston to that park in Philly back when we first met him. When we used to visit him at the shelter, and then after we adopted him. I was thinking about how he used to sniff around a little when we first got there, but how his favorite thing was just laying around in the grass. And, how we'd sit with him and just pet him and talk. Do you remember that?"

"Yeah." Jeremy nodded. "I remember. That was nice."

Jess nodded his agreement. "Yeah, it was. And, Winston and I were talking it over on the way back from the vet and, if you're in, we think we should start doing that again. Taking Winston out like that, all three of us just sitting in the grass together."

"It's uh, it's a little cold for that now, isn't it?" Jeremy asked hesitantly. Jess could tell that his lack of anger was throwing Jeremy off, and Jess was kind of enjoying it. He felt powerful, but not in a threatening or intimidating way.

Jess nodded. "Yeah. You're right. But, maybe in the spring. I'd like us to do that as a regular thing again. I miss that. Winston says he does, too."

Jeremy nodded, the corners of his lips turning up slightly. "Yeah. That sounds good. I miss that, too."

"Sometimes I think about our early days in Philly. When it was just the three of us. You didn't have a job, so you were home a lot more, until you started dating Melissa, at least. I didn't work retail, so I got home earlier at night. You had homework, but you didn't spend nearly as much time on it as you do with your college work. I wasn't dating anyone. I didn't have to share you with your uncle, or your grandparents and Doula. We had so much time together. To cook dinner, or play Scrabble, or watch TV, and just talk and be together. Now I feel like we're both so busy. There's more space between us. We don't talk as much. I want to…..get back a little of what we had in Philly. When you told me stuff that was bothering you, and we really talked about things, instead of letting them blow up in our faces like this."

Jeremy was watching him solemnly, his eyes damp, his hand still moving rhythmically over Winston's belly, the dog's eyes shut. "I'm so sorry, Jess. I am just…..I'm so sorry. I have never done anything as horrible as this. I am so, so sorry."

Jess nodded. "I know you are. And, I appreciate that, Jeremy. I'm glad to hear it. I'd be really freaked out right now if I didn't think you were sorry for what you did. But, I also know that if you had killed someone last night." Jess's voice caught slightly and he made sure to rein in the emotion in his voice before he continued. "If you had driven home drunk like that and hit another car or a pedestrian and hurt someone, or killed someone, you being sorry wouldn't mean a damn thing and it certainly wouldn't do anything to help you or the person you hit. I know you're a smart kid, Jeremy, and I know you understand what you did and what could have happened last night, how bad things could have turned out for you and for someone else. That you could have ended up dead, or headed to prison for manslaughter. And, no one would have been able to help get you out of that." Jess thought about the dream he had last night about an alternative outcome and the feeling of terror and powerless that had overwhelmed him as his dream self had watched his son hauled off to jailed, then sentenced to prison. He had woken up in a cold sweat. "There would be nothing I would be able to do for you then, Jeremy. So, I want to make sure I do everything I can for you, now, to make sure we never get to that point."

Jeremy paled, and Jess felt a little guilty at instilling this much trepidation in his son.

"You're going to be nineteen in a few months, and I know I can't just ground you like a kid, anymore. I get that. And, I don't want to do that. I don't think it would be right, or productive. But, I'm nowhere near ok with there being no consequences for what you did. And, I've been thinking this over, and I would like you to experience the natural consequences for your actions. And, in this case, since you broke the law, the consequences are probably pretty clear."

Jeremy's eyes went wide. "You're going to report me to the police?"

Jess snorted out a sharp laugh in spite of himself. "No, goofus. I'm not calling the cops on my own kid. My point is that there are probably clearly spelled out penalties for the crime you committed within the legal system." Jess put an extra emphasis on the word crime, wanting to really drill home the magnitude of what Jeremy had done.

"Uh, ok." Jeremy looked confused. "Like what?"

"I honestly don't know, but I can't imagine that losing your license for a while isn't on the list."

Jeremy looked miserable. "For how long?"

"Again, I don't know. But, what I would like to see happen here. And, you're an adult, so I can't make you commit to this if you don't want to, but I would like you to research the legal consequences and possible sentence for a first time drunk driver who didn't injure anyone. Just to be clear, this _was_ your first time driving under the influence, wasn't it?"

Jeremy nodded quickly. "Yeah. It was the first time. It was the first time I even had a drink since I came to live with you. And, I'll never do it again. I'll never do anything this stupid again. I swear."

"That's good to hear. And, is it also correct to assume you didn't injure anyone else?" Jess could feel himself holding his breath.

"No. I mean, yes, you can assume that. I didn't injure anyone."

"Good." Jess let out a relieved exhale. He had given Jeremy's car a quick once over when he had arrived back at the apartment after walking Mallory home, but he was aware that hitting a body might not make a huge impression on a car. It was something that hadn't occurred to him until very early in the morning, when Jess had laid in bed, worried thoughts of what could have happened running through his head. "Then I'd like you to research what would have happened to you if you'd been pulled over and charged last night, and then I'd like you to stick with whatever the repercussions would have been in a kind of self-imposed punishment, to kind of atone for what you did." Jess studied his son, trying to read his expression, aware that he was putting himself out there for this, almost testing Jeremy's respect for him, knowing he couldn't really do anything if Jeremy refused to comply with what he saw as justice in this situation. "Does that sound fair?"

Jeremy grimaced, his face coloring to a light pink. "I guess so. I mean, I get how even though I know it was wrong and I will _never_ do it again, I still deserve something to happen to me for doing it at all."

"So, you'll research the consequences?" Jess prompted, wanting an actual commitment from Jeremy.

"Yeah. I will. I'll do it today."

"Thank you." Jess pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked the time. "Hey, you know you're missing your first class, right?"

"Yeah. I kind of want to stay home today to be with Winston. If that's ok."

"It's fine with me. I actually switched my shift to be home for the little guy, too. So, I guess you're stuck with both of us today."

Jess watched a small smile spread on the kid's face, and he knew Jeremy thought they were done. "I like being stuck with you guys."

"Good, because I have a few more things I want to talk to you about."

"Oh, ok." Jess watched Jeremy tilt his chin up slightly, his lips pressed together in a straight line, his eyes averted from Jess's own, focused on the wall behind him, a bite the bullet expression if Jess ever saw one.

"I have to ask this, Jeremy. Because, like I said, you're a smart kid. And, I get that you felt like shit last night. I get that you were probably even mad at me for what I did to your room. I understand the urge to want to escape your own head with alcohol. But, why, why didn't you just sleep at the party?" Jess could hear the plaintive emotion in his voice and did his best to dial it back, wanting this conversation to be reason based as opposed to the emotional one they had last night.

Jeremy's face reddened. "It's stupid really."

"I would still like to hear it. There's no acceptable excuse for driving drunk, but I would still like to understand where your head was."

"Ok. I, uh, I started to hook up with this girl from school, Jill. And, she was pretty drunk. We both were, I guess. And, her sister walked in, and she kind of got mad, like I think she thought I was taking advantage of Jill or something, because she had just gone through a break up."

Jess felt his stomach roil with fear at the idea that this was possibly going to get worse, his mind instantly jumping to rape accusations, and how he would pay for a good lawyer. Luke's money, that was how, even if Jess had to stop going to college. "Jeremy-"

"I wasn't! I didn't take advantage of her. I would never do that! I really like Jill. _She's_ the one who started kissing me, but her sister walked in and got the wrong idea."

"Jeremy." Jess leaned slightly forward, the intensity of his stare demanding Jeremy's eye contact. "I need you to be honest with me right now. Did you have sex with this girl?"

"No!" Jeremy shook his head rapidly from side to side. "I didn't. I swear! We kissed. _She_ kissed _me_. She put a hand…...down my pants…for like a second, then her sister walked in on us."

Jeremy was full on blushing now. The boy looked miserable and Jess almost felt guilty for persisting with this line of questioning, but he wanted to know what else happened, and if there was anything here that this girl could press charges for later. "Did you do anything else? Did you put a hand down _her_ pants?"

"No, nothing else."

"You didn't touch her at all?"

Jeremy sighed. He looked embarrassed enough that Jess felt bad for him. "All I really did was, like, put my hand on her butt, but she was fully dressed, she had jeans on. It was really just kissing. I didn't sexually assault anyone." Jeremy's voice was choked with emotion and he looked on the verge of tears. "I would never do something like that. How can you think I would do that?"

Jess weighed his words for a moment before responding, wanting to drive home his point without completely crushing his child. "I'm going to be honest with you, Jeremy. I never thought you would drive drunk either, but you did. If there's one thing I've learned from being Liz's son, it's that you never know what anyone's capable of when they're drunk or high and their inhibitions are gone."

Tears pooled in Jeremy's eyes, and Jess felt a swell of sympathy in his chest. "But, I believe you. If you say it was only kissing, I believe you. So, you felt like you needed to leave because this girl, Jill, her sister was acting like you were taking advantage of her and you thought it was unfair."

"Yeah. Pretty much."

"Ok. I can understand why you would want to get out of there. But, why didn't you call me to come get you? Or call an Uber? You had to know you shouldn't have been driving like that. Didn't I tell you that you can always call me for a ride if you need one?"

Jeremy nodded miserably. "Yeah. And, I thought about it…..well, about getting an Uber, at least. I didn't know if I should bother you last night when you were already so pissed at me."

"You are my child, Jeremy. Your safety is always the most important thing to me. It wouldn't have mattered how pissed I was, I still would have come to get you. I was practically begging you all night for a text to let me know you were alive and well." Jess sighed, not wanting to let the conversation veer off into his own hurt feelings when Jeremy wouldn't pick up his calls or text him back. "So, if you didn't want to call me, why didn't you just get an Uber?" Jess prompted, feeling the burden of pulling this story from Jeremy word by word.

"I uh, just….." Jeremy shifted his gaze down to the dog still lying between them and Jess could already tell he wasn't going to like what came next. "When Luke texted me about Winston, I took an Uber to the vet. I didn't have my car with me because I rode into school with you, remember?"

Jess nodded. "I remember."

"And, I uh, I left my backpack in the Uber by accident and it had my phone and my laptop in it."

Jess heard himself let out a frustrated sigh over how many ways Jeremy had fucked up in a twenty-four hour period. "Oh, Jeremy." This new information took some of the edge off Jess's residual anger at not getting a response to his calls and texts, but he felt downhearted knowing that replacing these items, on top of Winston's vet bill, would set them back financially, and he wondered whether he should help with the expense or make Jeremy buy new stuff on his own.

"I'm sorry." Jeremy's voice was thick with emotion. "When I first got to the party, I used Marty's phone to log into my Uber account and I flagged that I lost my stuff on that ride. Maybe I can log in on your laptop later to see if they got back to me."

"You can definitely use my laptop, Jeremy. For this and for any homework you need to do before yours turns up." Jess knew there was a good chance that it never would. The driver could have kept it and claimed he never saw the backpack. The next rider could have taken it. It would be amazing to Jess if a missing bag full of expense electronics found its way back to its owner. It was his experience that the world didn't work that way. But, it seemed this was another natural consequence of Jeremy's actions that the boy would need to live with. "Or until you're able to replace yours if you don't get your stuff back. I don't want this to affect school, ok?"

Jeremy nodded. "Ok. Thanks."

Jess wanted to say one more thing. He hadn't intended to belabor how stupid Jeremy's decision was because he knew that a sober Jeremy would be fully aware of it on his own, but he kind of found himself wanting to rub it in a little, to make sure it stuck. "Ok, so you're at this party and feeling uncomfortable because you didn't like how Jill's sister was treating you and you wanted to get out of there. You wanted to call an Uber, but you lost your phone. Did you try asking your buddy Marty if you could use his phone to call an Uber?"

Jeremy shook his head, his eyes down. "No."

"Do you think he would have let you?"

Jeremy shrugged. "Yeah. Probably."

"Ok." Jess nodded. "I just want to make sure you have a plan for next time, no matter what contingencies get thrown at you."

"I will never drive after I've been drinking again, no matter what. I promise. I feel like shit that I did it this time. I still can't believe I really did that. Any of it."

Jess believed him. Jeremy was a good kid, a careful kid. He believed this scare would be enough to turn him off the idea of ever driving under the influence again. "Can we talk about you using drugs now?"

Jeremy nodded, looking back down at Winston as he pet the dog's side, his expression defeated. "I'm so sorry about what happened to Winston. I can't believe I hurt him like that, that I could have killed him. I'm so sorry."

"Jeremy." And, when Jeremy didn't lift his eyes. "Hey, Jeremy, look at me." The boy complied, his eyes shining as light caught the freshly welling tears. One leaked out, and started down his face, before Jeremy raised the hand not on Winston and brushed at his cheek roughly with the back of his hand. "I know you didn't mean to hurt Winston. I'm upset about what happened to Winston and what he had to go through. It just wasn't necessary. With all the shit that could go wrong for a dog his age and land Winston in the vet, getting into your drugs shouldn't be something that we need to worry about. I'm angry that you weren't more careful around this guy." Jess glanced down toward the sleeping dog, feeling a surge of gratitude that Winston survived and was still a part of their family. He couldn't imagine how devastating Jeremy's grief would have been otherwise. "But, it's not the thing I'm most mad about because I know it was an accident, that you would never hurt Winston on purpose." Jeremy nodded, his head hanging down again as he wiped at another tear. "I'm not even that angry that you were smoking pot. I mean, you're eighteen and it's legal in a bunch of states now. It's probably only a matter of time until it's legal here." Jess paused. "What makes me the most angry is that you lied to me about it. That you didn't think you could talk to me about it, and that you purposely lied to my face. I brought up Luke's concern to you. I asked you straight out if you were using drugs and you told me no. You lied to me. I honestly thought we were past that kind of crap. I remember you promising to never lie to me again, after the lie about the peanut butter allergy, and the lie about running off to New York. I thought our relationship was better than that now. What happened?"

Jeremy shrugged slightly and wiped another tear away. "I'm sorry I lied. I'm so sorry. I don't know why I did it. Or, I mean, I guess I did it because I didn't think you'd be ok with me vaping, but I kind of needed it….and I knew you wouldn't understand…...and I didn't know what else to do…."

It was a shit excuse. Jess realized that. Basically, a paraphrase of _I lied because I was too weak to deal with the truth_. It was bullshit, but Jess also knew it was the only reason anyone ever lied. There was never a solid excuse for it, just a person wanting to make their own life easier, or simpler in some way, and thinking they could accomplish that by hiding from the truth or avoiding owning up to something. Jess knew there was no response that would have satisfied him here, so he decided to change tack.

"What does that mean, you _kind of needed it_?" Jess hoped Jeremy could tell he was being earnest as he searched for answers and not baiting him into a trap.

"Just, like." Jeremy's eyes drifted away again, off to the side for a moment, then back down to Winston. "I was having trouble sleeping, like lots of trouble and it helped me get to sleep."

"Why were you having trouble sleeping? Were you worried about something?"

"Nothing specific, but just the stuff I always worry about, I guess."

The sadness in Jeremy's voice tugged at Jess's heart. "What stuff do you always worry about?"

"Like, some nights I stay awake thinking about stuff from my past, like my parents, or reliving some of the worst stuff that happened to me in foster care, like all the families that didn't want me. And my anxiety will get out of control and I'll get freaked out that I'm going to end up like that again."

"End up like how?" Jess prompted, wanting the particulars so he could really understand.

"Alone, again. All by myself, with no one who cares about me." Jeremy's voice came out hoarse and he wiped at a few more tears. "Sometimes it's really bad at night. Like, I get in this state of mind where I'm sure it's going to happen, it's just a matter of when. And, I get really worked up and I can't sleep, and I start to cry or have panic attacks. It sucks. And, the pot helped me relax and get to sleep."

It was breaking Jess's heart to see his son like this, and as much as he wanted to take him in his arms and hold him close, telling him how loved he was and would always be, he knew this conversation wasn't at that point yet. Pot was one thing, but they hadn't even discussed the pills yet. "I know it's hard for you to really know this. I know you _know_ it, but I'm not sure that you really believe it deep down. You aren't alone. You have a family now. And, friends. Something bad would need to happen to so many people before it would be possible for you to end up alone again."

"I guess. I mean, I understand that logically, but logic doesn't always matter in the middle of the night."

Jess nodded. "Fair enough. You can wake me when this happens if you want. I'd be happy to get up and hang out with you, to help take your mind off things."

The boy's cheeks started to redden and Jess wondered if he had missed something. "Oh, uh, thanks, but I don't want to bother you."

"I promise you it wouldn't bother me. I'd be happy to get up with you."

"It's not just that. I mean, I don't want to bother you, or anything, that's true. But, it's also, like….it mostly happens on nights when you're at Mallory's. And, it's so embarrassing, like I'm this little kid who can't stay home alone or something."

Jess frowned. "I don't think you should be embarrassed by that. I get how being home alone overnight could trigger your fears about ending up alone. It makes sense."

"I guess, I mean I see the connection, obviously, but it's so ridiculous." They were silent for a moment, both petting Winston and thinking. "So, that's why I didn't talk to you. I was too embarrassed. I didn't want you to think I was a loser, or that I was weak."

"Jeremy, I could never think those things about you. You're so young and you've already been through so much in your life without giving up. I don't think you're weak at all. We all have anxiety and we all have fears that spiral out of control sometimes, especially at night. And, you've got more reason for them than most people." Jess paused, remembering a conversation he had had with Mallory a while ago. "I think it might be helpful for you to see a therapist. About the anxiety you're feeling. A therapist might be able to help you deal with some of it. What do you think about that?"

Jeremy grimaced. "Isn't that really expensive, though?"

"I don't know. I'm sure it's not cheap, but I can look into what our insurance covers and we can figure something out for the rest. I think this is big stuff you're dealing with, and if it's affecting your life this much, we'll find a way to pay for a therapist." Jess realized with no small amount of shame that he might need to keep living rent free in order to swing a therapist, or at least cut back on the amount he had told Luke that he wanted to start paying in rent. He felt pathetic for mentally going to the easy option first, as he acknowledged that nothing was keeping him from driving for Uber again and working two jobs to be able to meet his family's needs. He had gotten too comfortable. It was time he started standing on his own two feet again.

"Uh, ok. Maybe that would be good if it works out." Jess got the distinct impression from Jeremy's purposefully nonchalant response, that the kid did want to go to therapy, but never would have asked for it on his own.

"It'll work out, ok? I'll start looking into it. Maybe Mallory will have a recommendation for us."

Jeremy gave him a small smile. "Ok. Thanks."

"Hey, I found your pills, too. What are those about? Were they to help you sleep, too?"

"I think so. I never took any of them. Marty gave them to me and told me to take one if I really needed to crash. I think they were supposed to be stronger than pot, but since the pot was working, I never moved up to the pills." Jeremy looked back down at Winston. "I think I was a little scared of them, like, nervous I'd get addicted or something."

Jeremy watched his hand run down Winston's back to his tail, before he lifted it and repeated the motion.

"I want you to tell me when things are bothering you, Jeremy. I may not be able to fix whatever is bothering you, but I can be there for you. I want to be there for you. And maybe I can help make things seem a little less terrible just by being there. It works for me, having you and Winston around when I'm feeling stressed or having doubts about what I'm doing with my life. Just being around you guys makes me feel a little better. And, if having me sleep here helps, then maybe I don't need to stay at Mallory's as much as I have been. Maybe she can stay over here more often instead."

Jeremy looked up at Jess. "That's exactly what I didn't want, for my issues to get in the way of your stuff, and your relationship with Mallory. You're looking at this backwards. You don't need to sleep here more. I need to learn to deal with the nights when you don't sleep here. I'm about to turn nineteen. You can't be my security blanket forever. And, I would kind of prefer it if Mallory didn't know about this, if that's ok. It's too embarrassing."

Jess took a moment to process this, knowing Jeremy wasn't wrong, but still wanting to do whatever he could to alleviate his son's stress and anxiety.

"I'm glad you and Mallory didn't break up last night." Jeremy ventured, his voice low.

Jess huffed out a small laugh. He was glad about that, too, but the statement caught him off guard. "You and me both, kid."

"I heard you guys arguing."

"You did?" Jess frowned. He had thought they were being quiet enough to avoid being overheard.

"Well, I couldn't hear what you were saying, but I could tell you were arguing. Then, when Mallory left, I thought she left because you guys broke up over what I did. Then, when I heard you leave, too. I felt awful…I'm just so sorry that I did something so bad that you guys didn't even want to be around me. I hate myself for it. Like, my biggest fear is ending up alone, and I got myself there last night by pushing you guys away with what I did."

"Hey, Jeremy. Listen to me, kid. Me leaving last had nothing to do with you. Mallory and I got into an argument, you're right about that, but it wasn't about your behavior. It was about mine. Mallory…...took issue with how I treated you last night." Jess sighed. "How angry I let myself get. How I got up in your face yelling at you. And she was right. I know I didn't handle things as well as I should have. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. I shouldn't have let myself get so out of control. And, I'm sorry. For getting up in your face, for putting my hands on you when I was angry, for all of it." Jess paused to give Jeremy a chance to respond, to accept his apology with the _it's ok,_ _you really weren't that bad_ or the _hey dad_, _don't beat yourself up over it, I know you were just worried about me_, that Jess realized he had been hoping for. When Jeremy just watched him silently, his expression solemn but unreadable, Jess moved on. "The argument started about that then escalated to other things. She needed space, so she left. I had driven her over here, so I left to walk her home. Then I came back."

"Oh, I didn't hear you come back in."

"Well, I did. I slept here. I didn't leave because I couldn't be around you. I just wanted to make sure Mallory got home safe."

"Oh." Jeremy repeated.

"I get why you thought that, though. It's not a huge leap after I already ran off to Mallory's earlier when I was angry about what happened to Winston. I didn't…..I was so angry at the vet Jeremy, so angry that you lied to me, and I didn't trust myself to be around you without being a complete ass. I thought taking some space was the best thing for both of us. But, it wasn't. I get that now. I never meant to make you feel like I was abandoning you. I should have been able to do better for you. I should have been able to come home and deal with you like a parent instead of making you feel rejected. I'm sorry for that. I'm also sorry for what I did to your room. I started off honestly looking for your drugs, but then I kind of lost it and…...well, I went too far. I know that. And, I'm sorry."

"It's ok. Thanks for cleaning it up last night."

"I owed you that much, at least. And, I'll get you a new nightstand. The drawer wasn't salvageable on the one that's in there now." Jess felt a wave of embarrassment as he pictured himself tossing it across the room in a frenzy. He was grateful, not for the first time, that he wasn't a blusher like his son.

"It's ok. I don't need a new one. I really just used the top to put stuff on. I don't think I even had anything in the drawer."

Jess appreciated the thought, but he knew he would need to replace the piece of furniture, anyway. It was Luke's and Jess didn't want to leave things in the apartment worse than how he had found them after Luke was gracious enough to let them stay there.

"And, I want to pay you back for Winston's vet bill." Jeremy looked earnest and determined.

Jess had debated asking Jeremy for the same thing, but decided against it, concluding that he was the parent and family medical bills were his job, no matter what the cause of the treatment. "You don't need to do that, Jeremy. Winston's vet bills are my responsibility. We decided that when we first got him, remember? That you would pay for his small stuff, like treats and toys and I would get the big stuff, like food and vet bills."

Jeremy frowned. "Yeah, but that was for his regular checkups or if he got sick. This time's different because it was my fault. I want to pay you back. I _should_ pay you back."

Jess thought about the phone and laptop that Jeremy would likely need to replace and he didn't want to pile on to his son's financial trouble. "Really, Jeremy-"

"I'm serious. You said you want me to deal with the natural consequences of what I did. Wouldn't this be one? It would be, like, restitution, right?"

Jess sighed.

"I want you to let me pay you back. You being out the money for the vet is like the one small thing in all this that I can actually make right…"

"All right. I'm not going to argue with you." Jess leaned over toward the armchair and tugged at his jacket, pulling a folded piece of paper from the pocket. "Here's the bill. I appreciate you wanting to take responsibility for this, Jeremy." He unfolded it and handed it to Jeremy, watching the kid's eyes flash wide for a moment. Jess had felt a bit of sticker shock at the price himself. $1,135. For emergency care and one overnight stay. "I know, right? Maybe you should become a vet. They seem to be raking it in."

"Uh." Jeremy looked up. "Wow. I wasn't expecting it to be this much. I don't know what I was expecting, but, wow."

"You still sure you want to handle it?" The question felt like a test and Jess found himself hoping that Jeremy wouldn't back down.

"Yeah, I'm sure." Jeremy refolded the bill and set it on the coffee table behind him. "It might take me a while to pay you back, though. Is that ok?"

"Sure." The money wasn't a significant part of this situation to Jess. It wasn't like he had an extra eleven hundred dollars to throw around, but in light of Winston's health scare and Jeremy's drunk driving, the money didn't seem as important. But, now that Jeremy had brought it up, Jess wanted to help hold the boy accountable, knowing that few things felt worse than breaking a promise to someone you cared about. "We could set up a payment plan if that's easier. You could just pay me a certain amount each week, whatever you could afford, until you've covered all of it."

"Yeah?" Jeremy's expression was relieved.

"Yeah. I have no objection to that."

"That would be great. Thanks."

"You're welcome." Jess knew he needed to get one more point across before they were done discussing this. "Jeremy, I love you very much. I love you right now, sitting here talking to you. But I also loved you last night when you came home drunk. Even when I was losing it on you like that I still loved you. And yesterday at the vet when I didn't trust myself to even talk to you. And, when I was calling and texting you like crazy while you were at the party and I thought you were blowing me off. Even when I was trashing your room. No matter what you've done. No matter how badly I react to something. I still love you all the time, every minute of every day, no matter what else is going on. There is never one moment that goes by when I'm not loving you. I need you to know that."

Then Jeremy's eyes were filling again, and Jess was instinctively moving around the sleeping dog, pulling his son into his arms, holding the boy tight against his chest as two arms circled his back, returning the hug. He heard one quiet sob, felt his son's head move against his shoulder, heard a quiet, _I love you, too_. He kissed the boy's hangover sweaty head. Then Winston was up, not wanting to be left out, nosing his way in between them. Jess laughed as he felt the dog's snout in his side. He felt Jeremy pull back from the hug to include the dog.

"And, you, buddy." Jess addressed Winston in the voice he reserved just for him. The dog looked over from his spot half in Jeremy's lap and wagged his tail enthusiastically. Jess reached out a hand to rub the dog's head. "What do you have to say for yourself? Huh? You think it's ok for a little dog like you to do drugs?" Winston's tail gained pace and he leaned forward to nuzzle his nose into Jess's face, Jeremy pulling further away at the movement, giving the dog space to get between them. "What am I going to do with you, two, huh, little guy?" Winston stood up in Jeremy's lap, putting his two front paws on Jess's thigh and sniffing at his face. "Daddy's just happy you're both ok. You both did some really stupid shit." Jess heard Jeremy snort out a laugh. "Didn't you, boy? Didn't you? Yes, you did! Really stupid shit. Daddy was worried that both his little boys were complete dumbasses. Yes, he was! Yes, he was!" The dog sniffed and licked at Jess excitedly in response to his voice.

Jess cupped Winston's little face in his hands, scratching behind his ears with his fingers. He smiled at Jeremy, who was sitting beside him, running a hand down the dog's back. "What do you think? Did I get my point across to this little furball?"

Jeremy nodded, a small smile on his face. "I think so. I'm pretty sure Winston will never take drugs again."

"I hope I wasn't too hard on him."

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Jeremy watched Winston sniffing at the end of his leash. He still couldn't believe that he'd almost killed his dog. Or that he'd driven drunk. He felt so ashamed and so stupid every time he thought about what he had done. He had already spent enough time before all this hating himself and feeling worthless. He tried not to let himself think about how much stress this was going to add to his sleepless nights.

It was cold and Jeremy wanted to go back inside, but he didn't want to rush Winston. Or Jess, who had run into Taylor's ice cream shop to buy them both hot chocolates. The three of them had been home all day together and would be until Jess went to his late afternoon shift at the diner in a couple of hours. Jess had been particularly attentive, poaching eggs for breakfast when Jeremy didn't think his queasy stomach could handle much more, letting him use his laptop, reaching out with a hug or a pat on the shoulder every time he walked by him at the table, going out of his way to make Jeremy feel that he was still loved. And, Jeremy appreciated it. He had even decided on a topic for the gratitude journal entry for their English composition assignment. Forgiveness.

Jeremy felt a gentle pat on his back and turned to find Jess sipping from a cardboard cup and holding the other one out toward him.

Jeremy accepted the cup. "Thanks."

Jess lowered his cup. "Ah, that's good hot chocolate."

Jeremy smiled and raised his cup to his mouth but it felt too hot to drink, so he lowered it again, staring down at it in his hand. He wanted to get this over with. The town square was fairly empty due to the cold and the early hour on a weekday, so Jeremy figured this was as good a time as any.

"So, I looked up the stuff we talked about. What would have happened to me if I'd been pulled over last night."

"Yeah?" Jess looked interested. "What did you find out?"

"Well." Jeremy looked back down at Winston, embarrassed. "I could have got up to six months in prison." He felt a wave of nausea at the idea of spending half a year in prison. "I could have gone to prison for a lot longer if I had hurt somebody, or killed them." He couldn't believe how close he had come to really fucking up his life.

He felt Jess's gloved hand cup the back of his neck. "I'm really glad that didn't happen, Jeremy."

Jeremy nodded, gaze still on Winston, unable to make eye contact. "Me too."

"Was there anything else?" Jeremy took in the small frown on Jess's face. "Was there anything we can replicate at home, like losing your license? I can't exactly build a prison and toss you in it."

Jeremy felt relieved that Jess wasn't going to equate six months of a prison sentence with six months of being grounded, but Jess had told him he was too old to ground.

"Uh, yeah. My license would have been revoked for forty-five days. And, I probably would have got a suspended sentence and been put on probation instead of given prison time. From what I read, it seems like that happens a lot. I would still need to pay a thousand dollar fine and do a hundred hours of community service. And, they make you go to a victim impact panel, where you listen to people who have been hurt, or lost someone in a drunk driving accident, talk about how much it sucks. Oh, and they make you install this thing called an ignition interlock device in your car in order to get your license back when the forty-five days are up. It's like this breathalyzer thing so that your car won't start unless you blow into it with a legal blood alcohol level. You have to keep that in your car for one year as part of your probation."

"Now, we're getting somewhere. Are you good with sticking to those consequences?"

Jeremy was caught off guard. "All of them?" It felt like a lot.

"Well, you would have had to face all of them if you'd gotten pulled over, right? I kind of feel like you should get the full experience here."

Jeremy sighed. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

"We can do a makeshift version at home. I'm thinking that since you're paying for Winston's vet bill, that can cover the fine, and you can find some place to volunteer. I know you're super busy with school and work, so you can drag out the hundred hours for however long you need to, as long as you keep track and you get them finished."

Jeremy thought about that. "Ok. I wouldn't mind volunteering somewhere anyway. I'll start looking for something I can do."

"That's the spirit."

"But, I don't think the vet bill should replace the fine." Jeremy knew he should have been grateful for the reprieve Jess was offering, but he wanted the man to know he was taking this seriously. "Those are two unrelated things. Like, the vet bill is the natural consequence of me having pot in my room, but the fine is the natural consequence of driving under the influence. I want to take full responsibility because, like you said, I would be facing all these consequences if I'd been arrested. I would still have the vet bill on top of everything else."

Jess gifted him with the warm smile that made his eyes crinkle at the sides, and Jeremy knew he was proud of him. "Ok. Good man. What do you suggest then?"

"That I still need to pay a thousand dollars, but maybe I could pay it as a donation to wherever I end up volunteering. And, I'll need to pay that in installments, too."

"Ok. That sounds fine to me." Jess took another sip of his hot chocolate.

"I need to do more research on the ignition interlock device. It looks like something I need to have professionally installed in my car. There was also something about monthly fees associated with having it monitored, but I'm not sure if that's only for court ordered situations, or if I need to pay the monthly fee just for it to work." Jeremy knew he hadn't done his due diligence, having expected Jess to take away his car for the mandated forty-five days and be done with it. He felt ashamed of that assumption now.

"Maybe Luke could figure out how to install it. He's pretty handy with cars."

Shit. Jeremy felt another wave of shame. "Do we, uh, do we need to tell Uncle Luke? I don't want him to know what I did."

Jeremy watched Jess think that over, feeling like he had so much hanging on this decision. After the lying and the drug use, he didn't want to give his uncle one more reason to think he was a terrible person.

"Well, I guess I was thinking if you aren't going to drive your car for the next forty-five days, that it would make sense to ask if we could store it at Luke and Lorelai's to get it off the street. You could run over there and start it every couple of days, move it back and forth a little, so it's not sitting on the tires in the same spot for a month and a half. So, I was thinking we were going to tell Luke anyway. Plus, I think he'd notice if you all of a sudden weren't driving your car anymore. And, honestly, if you had gotten pulled over and arrested, he would have heard about it sooner or later. He's pretty well connected in this little town. So, I think Luke knowing would be a natural consequence, too."

Jeremy recognized the truth in what Jess said. "Ok. But, can you not say anything? I want to tell him myself."

Jess nodded. "I think that's a good plan. I think he'd appreciate hearing it from you."

Jeremy took a deep breath, trying to settle the butterflies in his stomach at the thought of the conversation he needed to have with his uncle.

"So, we're good?" Jess asked, giving Jeremy a warm smile. "You know, I'm really proud of you, Jeremy. Nothing can undo what happened last night, but I'm proud of you for taking responsibility for what you did like a man and for being willing to face the consequences for your behavior. Your very, very stupid behavior."

Jeremy huffed out a laugh. "Thanks."

Jess feigned serious confusion "Did I mention how stupid it was? I can't remember if I pointed that out."

Jeremy laughed and Jess smiled. "I got the message. It _was_ really stupid."

Jess tilted his head to the left. "It looks like Winston left you a present over there."

Jeremy looked down and saw that Jess was right. He pulled a poop bag out of his coat pocket and bent to pick up Winston's poop. It occurred to him that they had forgotten about one thing. "What about the victim impact panel? Do you think they would let me go to one of those if I didn't actually get arrested?"

"I don't know. Maybe we can find something…" Jess trailed off mid sentence, and Jeremy turned toward him as he tied the poop bag shut. Jess was looking past him.

"What?" Jeremy followed Jess's eye and saw an older woman entering the beauty supply store on the other side of the square. He didn't recognize her, but he could only see her from the back. He looked back toward Jess, feeling puzzled.

Jess refocused on his son, a thoughtful expression on his face. "Give me some time to think about this, ok? We might be able to figure something out."

"Um, ok." Jeremy turned, poop bag in hand, to look for the nearest trash can.

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Jess pushed the curtain aside and entered the diner. He had called Mallory earlier, and without divulging anything that Jeremy had asked him to keep private, he had gotten her to agree to come to his place instead. He knew he would need to talk to her about why tonight, even if in general terms, that he thought it was best for him to stay close to Jeremy for the time being. If he just kept trying to get her to his place without giving her a reason he knew it would come across as selfish, and he felt that it was anything but, since he would miss the nights at her place, when they could just be together, with no distractions or obligations or even clothes, as much as she would.

He was going to wait for Mallory down here, since he knew she always entered through the diner to say hi to Luke, but he also needed to talk to his uncle. The dinner rush was dying down, no one was sitting within eavesdropping distance at the counter, and Jeremy was preoccupied at a table on the other side of the dining room, talking to Kirk and Tulip. Jess knew from personal experience that the kid wasn't getting out of that anytime soon. Jess figured now was as good a time as any.

Jess walked around to the customer side of the counter and waited until his uncle finished making a new pot of coffee. "Hey, Luke."

Luke turned and walked over toward Jess, standing across the counter while Jess made himself comfortable on a stool.

Luke sighed. He looked tired. "Hey, nephew. It's been one hell of a past couple of days, hasn't it?"

"I'm guessing Jeremy filled you in on last night, then."

"Yeah, he did. He came in before his shift started and asked if we could go talk in the store room. I thought it was still going to be about the drugs, that maybe he was going to apologize again for lying to me. But, instead…..." Luke shook his head. "I still can't wrap my head around it. I can't believe he did something so stupid. I mean drunk driving is just so…" Jess watched his uncle search for a word that got his point across without being mean. "Stupid. It just is. Stupid and reckless."

Jess nodded. "I agree."

"I mean, even at your worst, when you were getting in trouble on a regular basis, when you got kicked out of school and ran off to California, at least you weren't doing something so stupid that you could have killed someone."

"Well, I did want to kill Dean a few times, but I agree with you that that doesn't count because he was a jerk who clearly deserved it."

Luke huffed out a soft laugh. "I'm being serious here, Jess. I'm just so shocked and so disappointed. I never would have seen anything like this coming from Jeremy. He's such a good kid."

"He is a good kid. He did something stupid, and yeah, I'm having a hard time getting past it, too, but he's still a good kid."

Luke sighed again. "Of course, he is. I didn't mean that he wasn't. I just…...I dunno…..I can't wrap my head around it. I keep trying to remind myself that the important thing is that he's not hurt and that he didn't hurt someone else, but I just keep getting stuck on it, like what the hell was he thinking and how could he be so stupid?"

"Yeah, me too." Jess said.

"I like what you're doing, though, Jess." Luke smiled warmly at him. "With making him do everything he would have had to do if he had gotten arrested, the community service, losing his license, all of it."

"Yeah?"

"Definitely. I think that's some very responsible parenting right there. He's lucky to have you."

Jess felt a warmth spread through his chest and realized how much Luke's approval of his parenting mattered to him. "Yeah, every once in a while I try to get something right. Just to mix it up a little. Keep him on his toes."

Luke laughed. "And, it seems like he's taking it well, owning up to what he did, and taking responsibility for everything."

"Yeah, he is. I'm proud of him for that. Which reminds me….." Jess leaned slightly forward on the stool and pulled a small, folded piece of paper from his back pocket and handed it to his uncle. "I can't let my kid be more of a grownup than I am."

Jess watched Luke unfold the check, and then pull his reading glasses out of his apron pocket and put them on, taking a second look. Luke frowned and looked up at Jess. "Jess, this is more than we agreed upon. Not that I want any rent from you, but this is a hundred and fifty dollars more than the amount we ended up deciding on."

"I know."

Luke held the check out toward Jess. "This is too much."

Jess didn't move to take the check back. "The extra one-fifty is a one time inclusion. I got inspired by how serious Jeremy is about wanting to make up for what he did. He's even paying me back for Winston's vet bill. I told him he didn't have to, but he insisted on it."

"That's great, but I'm confused. What do you owe me a hundred and fifty dollars for?"

"It's long overdue reimbursement for Boy with Toothache?"

"Who? What are you talking about?"

"The check you gave Kyle's father for the stuff Dean and I broke at that party in high school. You told me I needed to pay you back. Instead, I skipped town. Is this ringing any bells?" Jess asked.

Luke still looked puzzled. "I remember the party, and paying that kid's dad."

"Well, you never told me how much you paid him, but if I remember correctly, the most important thing we broke was this little Hummel statue called Boy with Toothache. I looked up the price for one of those things on ebay and added in some interest since I'm a little late in paying back the debt."

"Take this back." Luke shook the check that he was still holding out to Jess. "You already paid me back. Remember? At that thing at the bookstore when I brought April to meet you in Philadelphia."

"That was for the cash you stuck in my car when I picked it up and it broke down. I never paid you back for this. I never really owned up to this, or to a lot of the shit I did back then. If I remember correctly, when you spoke to me about this, I gave you a lot of _Dean started it _stuff. Sometimes when I'm with Jeremy and he's being an awesome and perfect child, yesterday excepted of course." Jess watched Luke smile at that. "I think about what a little shit I was to you most of the time and how you somehow managed to tolerate me without killing me."

Luke was studying him carefully, a warm smile on his face. He lowered his outstretched arm and refolded the check, sticking it in his apron pocket. "Well, I appreciate this, nephew. Thank you. And, just so you know, you weren't that bad. You were a pretty good kid yourself. Most of the time, anyway." Luke paused. "Well, you had your moments, at least."

Jess barked out a laugh.


	18. Chapter 18 - Loose Ends

**Chapter 18 Notes:** I received some questions that I wanted to respond to regarding last week's chapter. A person can purchase and install a voluntary ignition interlock device as a precautionary measure even if they haven't been charged with a DUI. The volunteer devices are different in that they don't record and upload data to the state/legal system like the court mandated devices do, but they still render the car unoperational to drivers who are deemed under the influence by the breathalyzer. Some companies recommend professional installation, but Amazon sells some devices that come with instructions for self-installation. As always thanks to everyone who is still reading my little story, and especially to those of you who have been generous enough to leave me reviews. I appreciate each and every comment I receive. :) I likely won't get a new chapter up this coming week as I'm heading off on vacation, but I should get the next chapter up the following week.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls

Jeremy walked in from his shift feeling ready to crash. It had been an exhausting twenty-four hours and all he wanted was to run Winston outside really quick to pee, brush his teeth and collapse into bed. He opened the apartment door to silence. Jeremy felt his heartbeat quicken as he processed the absence of Winston at the door to greet him. The overhead light wasn't on, just the lamp on the end table by the couch. Once Jeremy's eyes adjusted to the dim light, he spotted the dog lying on his little bed in front of the couch. The dog opened his eyes and wagged his tail against his mattress at Jeremy's entrance, lifting his head slightly, then lowering it again. Jeremy got it. Winston had to be exhausted, too. Jess and Mallory were lying on the couch asleep, Jess behind Mallory, spooning her, his face hidden against her neck, Mallory's arm dangling off the couch, her hand hanging a couple of inches above Winston's bed, as if she had fallen asleep mid-pet. It looked like last night had been exhausting all around, and Jeremy felt a sharp pang of guilt at the trouble he had caused for so many people he cared about.

It felt oddly intimate to see Mallory sleeping, her body lax, her lips slightly parted, her arm extended at an awkward angle. Jeremy was glad to see how cozy they looked, wrapped up in each other. He would have felt horrible if his behavior and done permanent damage to their relationship. He had a flash of memory of being in a classroom his junior year, in a small suburb of Philadelphia, overhearing two girls behind him talking, one telling the other that her parents waiting up for her was such a joke because they could never stay awake until she came home, that she had walked in the night before to find them passed out on the couch, _again_. Both girls had laughed, not unkindly. It had stuck in Jeremy's head, feeling at the time, like another warm, cozy picture of normal domesticity that he would never experience. He knew this wasn't the same. They probably hadn't waited up for him, they just hadn't bothered moving into Jess's bedroom because it wasn't even late, barely nine thirty. And, only one of these people was his parent.

Jeremy thought about how freaked out he had been when Jess had started dating Mallory at the end of his senior year. He had been so sure that his place in Jess's life would be usurped, expecting Jess to push him aside to make room for Mallory in his life. The reality had been surprisingly and amazingly different. Jeremy thought back to his conversation with Jess that morning, how Jess had told him that he could wake him up if he couldn't sleep, how willing Jess had been to reconfigure his time with Mallory if it made Jeremy feel better, safer, to have him at the apartment at night. The summer had been a little tough, adjusting to less time with Jess, and trusting that things would be ok. Jeremy wasn't very good at trusting. He had never been given a reason to be before Jess. But, he felt like everything had turned out better than he could have expected. When he thought ahead now, and wondered about the future, about whether Jess and Mallory would get married, or have children together, it was with curiosity and even a degree of optimism instead of dread. One really crazy thought that had jumped into his head a few times when they had all been together was whether Mallory would be his stepmother if she married Jess, or whether she would want to adopt him, too. He knew it was a ridiculous thought, and not one he would ever share with anyone. It was stupid, really. He was pretty sure she would just want to be his stepmother. And, that was fine. A step-parent was still someone who could be lumped into the category of parent, as in, _my parents waited up for me last night_, or _I can't tonight, I'm having dinner with my parents_. Jeremy knew it was greedy to even think about more, but he couldn't help it. He also knew there had been a time when he thought it was crazy to hold out hope that he would ever get one parent. He had never really believed that at almost eighteen he would have been given a dad, and a family to belong to and love. It almost felt like anything was possible after that. Who could say the universe wasn't going to give him a mom, too?

Jeremy spotted the empty wine glasses on the table and carried them into the kitchen, slowly and quietly turning on the tap to rinse them out as he had seen Jess do before setting them on the counter. Then he headed into Jess's room, Winston's eyes tracking his movement through the apartment without moving his body. Jeremy pulled the quilt off the bed and carried it into the living room, gently spreading it over the couple on the couch. He thought about finding Jess this way once, passed out asleep on the couch with his laptop, and how Jeremy had covered him that night, too. He saw April doing the same for Luke that first night they had all stayed in the apartment when he and Jess had visited Stars Hollow. He pictured Jess, tipsy in Philadelphia the night he had been let go from Truncheon, telling him how he used to cover Luke with a blanket when he had come home late as a kid and Luke had fallen asleep, how he figured you couldn't stay mad at someone who had taken the time to cover you with a blanket. He thought about how some things were simple and repetitious, and so intertwined in the fabric of family life as if by evolutionary design. You see a sleeping family member, you put a blanket on them. Goodnight hugs were like that, too. The same every night, but still worth doing, still worth looking forward to. Jeremy pulled on his coat, grabbed Winston's leash and crouched next to the dog, clipping the leash to his collar, patting his own thigh quietly a few times to get the dog on his feet. Jeremy loved moments like this, when being a part of a family felt like the most normal thing in the world, but also the most incredible. He knew enough to appreciate these moments, this outlook, when he could.

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It was his first time being alone with Mallory since the night she had interceded on his behalf while Jess yelled at him for driving drunk. The first time he had seen her at all really, unless he counted her waving hello to him in the diner the night before or coming home to find her asleep on the couch. He felt nervous, but he knew he needed to say something to her, to at least apologize for making that night a shitty one for her, too. Jeremy heard the water turn on and knew Jess was just starting his shower. Jeremy was already dressed. He couldn't hide out in his room until Jess was ready. It would be rude. And, he couldn't leave without him since he had agreed to having his license suspended for a month and a half. And, he had already walked Winston.

Jeremy took a deep breath and opened his bedroom door. Mallory was sitting at the table, a mug of something steaming next to her, and a packet of papers in one hand that she was reading. It was probably something for work. Just when Jeremy had convinced himself that he shouldn't bother her, Winston trotted excitedly past him, out of the bedroom and over to the table to greet her, toenails tapping on the hardwood floors. Mallory looked up and caught Jeremy's eye. She smiled brightly at him, as though nothing could be wrong between them. "Good morning, Jeremy."

Jeremy walked toward the table, watching Mallory bend down to greet Winston with a good morning of his own and tell him what a good boy he was while she pet him. Watching her, Jeremy was hit with the unexpected, self-pitying thought that Jess and Mallory enjoyed Winston significantly more than most of his foster parents had enjoyed him when he was a kid.

"Good morning." He walked over to the table, but didn't sit. "Are you busy? I don't want to bother you."

Mallory gave Winston one last pat and sat up in her chair, her earnest expression focused on Jeremy. "You're not bothering me, Jeremy. I'm always happy to talk to you. About anything you want to talk about. I hope you know that by now."

Jeremy could feel his cheeks warming slightly as he took in the comment. It felt like a very gentle reprimand for not coming to her before he let things get so out of control.

He nodded. "Thanks." He pulled out a chair and sat down across from her. He looked down at the tabletop, knowing he needed to say something, but feeling too overwhelmed to know where to start.

"I'm worried about you, Jeremy." Her voice was soft and warm. Even without looking up, Jeremy could feel the concern that he knew he would have seen on her face.

"I'm sorry. I know everything I did was so stupid. That I could have killed someone." Jeremy looked up then. "I know I made trouble for you that night, too. I heard you and Jess arguing, and I know it must have been bad because I heard you leave in the middle of the night. I'm sorry for that, too."

Mallory nodded. "Thank you for that, Jeremy. But, I don't want you to ever blame yourself for anything that happens between me and Jess. We're adults. Any arguing or fighting we do is our fault, no one else's. Nothing that happens between us is your fault, no matter what you've done. I need you to know that. Ok?"

Jeremy nodded, not feeling convinced, but wanting to be respectful to Mallory.

"And, I'm not going to argue with you that driving under the influence was stupid. I know you're an intelligent, thoughtful person and I know you understand the hurt you could have caused to someone else, or to yourself. I also know that your dad and your uncle already went over all this with you, so I really don't feel the need to pile on."

Jeremy let out a small breath. "Thanks."

"No problem." She smiled at him, but it wasn't her usual bright one. This one didn't feel genuine. It took Jeremy a moment to register that it didn't reach her eyes. "But, there is one thing I feel like I need to ask you about. I know lots of people your age smoke pot, and I understand that that's not considered a very big deal to some people. I also know that college students getting DUI's isn't as rare as I think it should be. Maybe they do it because they're too wrapped up in themselves to think about how their choices could affect other people, or maybe because they're new to drinking and didn't really believe how much it would affect them, or maybe because they're just being stupid, like you said, and not thinking at all. But, they don't all have your history of trauma, or depression." Jeremy felt his cheeks heat up again at having Mallory bring up something he had told her about in one of their very early counseling sessions. "So, I want to ask you if there was any part of you, even a very small part, that was aware that you could kill yourself when you got behind the wheel drunk and was ok with that idea."

Jeremy took a deep breath, looked back down at the table. He could feel tears pooling in his eyes and blinked them back. The question went right to his core. He wanted to assure her that the answer was no, that of course he wasn't suicidal, he had just made a really poor choice, but he couldn't find the words to defend himself. He felt her hand gently grip his forearm through the fabric of his shirt, her thumb rubbing in small circles on the underside of his arm, just above the wrist.

Jeremy looked up and did his best to answer her. "I'm not really sure how I felt that night, or what I was thinking. What I remember the most when I got in the car was just wanting to get out of my head…..to just shut my brain off. I don't _think_ I was thinking anything like what you're asking, but I really can't remember."

Mallory nodded, pulling her hand back, not looking especially convinced.

"Jeremy, Jess told me that you're open to seeing a therapist. I think that's a really good idea, and I gave him a name and number of someone I know who specializes in trauma-informed adolescent therapy. I think you'll really get something out of seeing her."

"Thank you." Jeremy nodded and lowered his eyes back to the table. Mallory moved into the chair closest to Jeremy, and leaned forward, gently wrapping her arms around him. Jeremy reached out to hug her back, the reflexive response feeling comfortable, even natural at this point. He heard the bathroom door open, and the tapping of Winston's nails as the dog moved to greet his dad. Then Jess's voice, playfully announcing his presence.

"Hey, you better not be trying to move in on my girl over there."

Jeremy pulled back from Mallory, and looked over at Jess, forcing a smile. He knew Jess was joking, but something about the comment left Jeremy feeling sad in its implication that Jess was the only link between Jeremy and Mallory, with no respect for the relationship he had been developing with Mallory before Jess even knew her.

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"So, you and Mallory talked, huh?"

Jeremy turned to look at Jess in the driver's seat, studying the man as he purposely focused on the road in front of him. Jeremy recognized the tactic of trying to make an important question seem more casual than it was. He used it often enough himself. He also knew how to distract Jess from something he didn't want to talk about it. "Wow, nothing gets past you, does it, Dad?" He modulated his tone for the right mix of light-hearted mischievousness and mild sarcasm that always drew Jess in.

Jess laughed. "Hey, do not make me pull this car over, little boy." Jeremy listened to the playfulness in his voice and felt a surge of affection toward Jess for allowing things to get back to normal so quickly, for not taking his love away because of what Jeremy had done. "I'd hate to have to smack you around on the side of the road for giving me lip."

Jeremy half laughed and half scoffed. "_Giving you lip_? Have you been watching reruns of old sitcoms or something?"

Jess laughed. "You caught me. In my vast quantity of spare time, I've been binge-watching Father Knows Best."

Jeremy furrowed his brow. "Huh, I don't even know what that is, but from the title it sounds like pure nonsense."

Jess laughed again, eyes still on the road, and took his right hand off the wheel and lightly smacked Jeremy on the shoulder with the back of his hand. "Smartass."

Jeremy laughed. "Ow! Hey, both hands on the wheel!"

Jess returned his hand to the steering wheel. "So…." He wheedled. "You and Mallory…..?"

Jeremy looked at Jess again and they made eye contact briefly before Jess looked back at the road. "Yeah." Jeremy said. "We talked."

"It, uh, looked pretty serious from what I saw."

Jeremy nodded, looking out the windshield in front of him. "Yeah, I guess it was."

"Is everything ok with you two?"

"Yeah. Of course. It's fine. She was just worried about me. Because of everything that happened. What I did and everything."

"Uh-huh." Jess nodded, eyes on the road. "You looked like you'd been crying when I came out of the bathroom."

"I wasn't _crying_. I just…..got a little choked up, I guess.."

"Oh, yeah? What got you choked up?"

Jeremy shrugged, thinking about Mallory's question about his intentions, and her genuine concern for how he felt. "I don't know. It just…... happens to me sometimes. You know that."

"Huh. Mallory didn't slap you around or anything, did she?"

Jeremy barked out a laugh. "No."

"Good, cause I told her not to." Jess feigned seriousness. "She was all for beating the crap out of you, but I was all like, I don't know how you guys handle shit in _your_ family, Mal, but in _this_ family we talk things out."

Jeremy laughed. "You're so ridiculous." He shot a glance at Jess, catching the self-satisfied, amused expression that Jess always wore when he made Jeremy laugh. Jeremy watched the look pass and turn into curiosity. Jeremy spoke to head off a direct question. "We talked. It was good. Me and Mallory are fine, ok?"

"Ok." Jess drew out the first syllable and Jeremy got the impression he wanted to know more, but couldn't bring himself to ask.

"Ok." Jeremy repeated.

A moment passed. Jess sighed. "You really aren't going to tell me what you two were talking about?"

Jeremy smiled and looked at his dad. "Um, no. Do you really need me to?"

"I don't necessarily _need_ you to. I just thought you might want to talk to me about it."

"Uh-huh." Jeremy pretended to be convinced. "If I told her anything crazy, like that I was planning to rob a liquor store or something, I'm pretty sure she'd fill you in."

Jess sighed. "Your point?"

"Just that I think my conversation with Mallory, is, you know, between me and Mallory."

"I see." Jess sounded distinctly not pleased and for some reason it made Jeremy giggle. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing. Sorry. Can we just leave it at me and Mallory being good? I'm glad I got to talk to her this morning, but I don't have anything else I need to talk about right now."

Jess glanced at Jeremy, a comically exaggeratedly sour expression on his face that made Jeremy smile. "I suppose so. You two have your little secrets. See if I care."

Jeremy's smile widened. "Oh my god, it was a _conversation_, not a _secret_. Is it only me, or are you being especially needy and goofy this morning?"

"Oh, that's it, kid." Jeremy liked hearing the playfulness back in Jess's voice. It wasn't his intention to make Jess feel excluded from his conversation with Mallory, but he needed time to process what she had asked him on his own. "Now, I'm definitely pulling this car over!"

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"That sounds like a lot." Andrew said. Andrew had asked about Jess's class schedule for the upcoming spring semester to see if there were certain mornings he needed off and Jess had filled him on his new strategy regarding school. How he was going to take all his classes online going forward, in two month increments each, and double up on classes for each two month period so that he could knock out four classes a semester.

"Yeah, I think it's going to keep me busy. But, at my age, I feel like I need to get moving. I don't have the luxury of time anymore." Jess was more worried about balancing the workload than he had let on to anyone, including Jeremy or Luke, but he believed what he was saying. He needed to move faster. The slow pace he was moving at now was making him crazy.

Andrew huffed out a quiet laugh. "_At your age_." They were standing at the front of the store, during an idle moment, Jess behind the counter, Andrew on the other side. "You do know you're still young, don't you? You're what, thirty-five?"

"Hey!" Jess feigned offense. "I'm thirty-_four_, thank you very much! And, I don't feel young."

Andrew smiled. "Well, parenting a teenager can definitely age a person."

"I don't know if it's Jeremy. I would say I still felt kind of young when I was in Philly. I think it was losing my job at Truncheon. I think that was the first thing that made me feel old. That, and moving back to Stars Hollow."

"Ah, I see. Because now you're just stagnating at a dead-end job in a small town like the rest of us townies?" Andrew nodded. "Makes sense."

Jess laughed, and Andrew smiled. "That's not what I mean. It's just, I don't know, having those two huge things end, my career, living in Philly, it made me have to start over in two major ways. With two aspects of my life that were a huge part of my identity, working in publishing and living in a big city. And, nothing makes you feel old like having to start over, and rebuild your life. It makes you focus on all the ways you went wrong when you thought you were building your life the first time around."

"I can see what you're saying."

Andrew's expression was serious and Jess wondered if the man was thinking about having to start over again after his son had died. The main components of Andrew's life had remained intact, wife, job, home, but one of his most significant identifiers, of parent and father, had been lost to him forever. That had to have aged him.

"And, sometimes now, with school. I feel like I'm standing still, and I want to get through this program as quickly as I can to give myself more…..options, I guess."

"Do you know what you want to do when you finish? Or what you're going to major in?"

Jess laughed a little self-consciously. "No, and I know I'm way too old to be in school just for the sake of being in school, without a plan."

"I really don't think you should put that kind of pressure on yourself, Jess. It isn't helpful. You have some time to decide. Unless things have changed drastically since Jonathan was in college, you're just taking the general requirement classes for the first year or so anyway, right?"

"Yeah, pretty much. It just feels ridiculous to be in my mid-thirties, having my uncle pay for me to go back to school and not really having a goal in mind."

"You don't want to get back into publishing?" Andrew asked.

"I don't know." Jess fidgeted, leaned back against the edge of the counter behind the register, then stood up again. The idea of returning to publishing loomed in his mind, a constant source of stress. "I think about it sometimes. It's what I know and what I have experience in."

"I sense a 'but' coming."

Jess smiled. "_But_, and this might sound stupid. And, you're one of only a handful of people I would admit this to, since you're, well." Jess huffed out a laugh. "One of only a handful of people who actually read my book." Jess watched Andrew smile at that. "But, I couldn't write when I was there, working in publishing. I mean, I've always read a lot. And, reading in general doesn't keep me from writing. But, it was something about getting so involved in other people's writing. Even when I read for pleasure, I like to analyze what I'm reading and think about the choices the author made. I did that way before I got into publishing. But, working with authors so closely on their work was different. Whenever I sat down to work on something of my own, I'd just feel blocked. I would try to start a story, but after I got a few pages down, or sometimes just a few lines, I would reread it and realize it was in one of my authors' voices. I felt like I worked so hard to get into their heads to help edit their work in the right way and stay sensitive to what they wanted to say, and I became so cognizant of their voices that it was…...harder to find my own, I guess."

"That doesn't sound stupid at all." Andrew was watching him carefully now. "So, you'd like to get back into writing now?"

"Yeah. I think I kind of already have. I started writing again for the class I'm in now, English Composition. Nothing big, essays really. But, it felt good again, like what I was writing was authentically mine. I wasn't worried about someone else's voice taking over or the originality of my thoughts anymore. And, it got me inspired to start on a new story."

Andrew was smiling now. "I think that's great, Jess. I think you should focus on whatever makes you feel good, and whatever you think will fulfill you."

"Yeah. Thanks. I kind of think so, too." The ideas had been roaming around in his head for a while now, characters shaping up, action and dialogue fleshing out, but he had only sat down and started typing up a vague outline of ideas a couple of weeks ago and had his first real writing session a couple of days after that, when he had taken advantage of the empty apartment while Jeremy worked to flesh out some sort of opening scene. "And this time around, I'm a little more realistic. I know I need another career. I'm not banking on being able to support myself with my writing or anything, but it's something I really like doing and I don't think I want to go back to a job that kind of ruined it for me. But, that leaves me in my current dilemma of trying to get through school as fast as I can, but without any real plan of what I'm aiming for. I keep thinking something will come to me, but nothing has yet."

Andrew looked thoughtful and it hit Jess how ungrateful he might be coming across in relation to his current job. He opened his mouth to correct the impression he feared he had given that he wasn't incredibly grateful to be working for Andrew, but Andrew started speaking first.

"Well, if it helps ease your load, feel free to bring your books or your laptop to work with you. I don't mind you taking care of some of your homework when you have downtime around here."

"What? Oh, no, I wouldn't do that." Jess assured his boss. "Thank you. I appreciate you saying that, but that wouldn't be right. I should be fully present when I'm here. And, for the record, I really appreciate this job, Andrew, I want you to know that." Jess thought about the idle time he had, when there were no customers and everything had been stocked and organized, how he often spent it texting Mallory or Jeremy, playing around on the internet, or browsing the aisles for his next book to read. "If I have downtime here, I can always come up with something to do, like getting ready for the next author reading night, or setting up a display or cleaning up or something."

"It's up to you. I'm guessing you probably have enough down time to take care of those things and still get in a little studying if you wanted to. Harold used to bring in whatever he was reading. Harold saw his job as strictly serving customers and doling out unsolicited advice. If no one was in the store, he would sit on that stool right there and read."

Jess huffed out a laugh. "Yeah, I remember that. Sometimes even when people _were_ in the store."

Andrew laughed. "I know this isn't the most labor or thinking intensive job. And, school's important. You saying you're worried about not having enough time to study triggers all my dad instincts and makes me want to tell you that _school comes first, young man_." Jess huffed out a quiet laugh at that and Andrew smiled at his reaction. "I'm not going to pressure you into studying while you're on the clock if you don't want to, but please know it's a real offer. If I can give you more time for your schoolwork without it taking away from your responsibilities here, I'm happy to oblige."

"You're a really good boss, Andrew." The words were out of Jess's mouth, hanging in the air between them, effusive and embarrassing, before he had thought them through.

He watched Andrew's awkward smile, small and clearly caught off guard. "Thanks, Jess."

For a moment he felt embarrassed by his comment. Then he figured _fuck it_. "I'm serious. You offered me this job just because you knew I was in a bad spot. You have been so generous and accommodating to me about school already, letting me come in late two days a week just so I can sit next to my kid in a classroom when I could have taken the same class online in the evening. And, now with offering to let me study here. I really appreciate it, but it's definitely not typical employer behavior. Why are you so nice to me?" Jess laughed as if to acknowledge the ridiculousness of his own question.

Andrew laughed softly, then shrugged. "I don't know. I think that's just how it goes when you're in the older generation. You want to give whatever help you can to the younger generations, to try to leave the world a little less shitty than you found it. You're young and trying to get yourself established in a career. We both know you're just passing through here, as you should be, since this business is on the way out, with more people reading ebooks that buying real ones. If I were starting a business now, instead of thirty years ago, I would never choose to open a bookstore. If you find you need more time to study, to get the degree you need to pursue whatever career you decide on, and I can help you with that, I feel like I should." Andrew shrugged again. "It's an…...old person thing. You'll understand when you're my age."

Jess wondered if Andrew had been about to say it was a 'parent thing' but stopped himself.

"Well, I appreciate that." Jess felt a wave of emotion toward Andrew for how good the man had been to him.

"And, I know you understand what I'm talking about. You didn't adopt a seventeen year old boy because you were bored and there was nothing good on TV."

That made Jess smile, since he felt like a huge part of adopting Jeremy, along with proving he was a good enough person to foster a child, had been a sense of boredom, not in the traditional sense of not having enough to do, but bored in a deeper sense, his own life being so devoid of real meaning and fulfillment that he had, in a way, been emotionally bored before Jeremy.

"This seems like the perfect segue into something I want to talk to you about." Jess's expression turned serious. "Please tell me to shut up if you think this is a horrible idea. Or if for any reason, you just feel like telling me to shut up…."

Andrew frowned. "Is this about Harrison? Jeremy is still bringing him by the bookstore this weekend, right? Celeste and I are looking forward to meeting him. We've pretty much decided to offer him our guest room as long as he's not a serial killer or anything."

Jess smiled. "Yeah, we're definitely still on for Sunday." Jess felt a little hesitant, knowing this was the last moment for him to back out, but still feeling like his idea made sense, he plunged ahead. "This is actually about Jeremy." Andrew looked openly curious. "And, again, please feel free to tell me to shut up-"

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Jeremy followed Jess into Weston's. Andrew was already sitting at a table for two, a cup of coffee in front of him.

"Hi, Andrew." Jess said. "Thanks for meeting us."

Andrew gave them a small smile. "It's no problem, Jess. Hi Jeremy."

"Hi." Jeremy felt his stomach drop with nerves as he stood next to Jess by the table. He had agreed to the upcoming conversation so Jess wouldn't think he was a coward, ducking responsibility for what he had done, but now he wished he had stayed home. He wasn't sure he could do this.

"All right." Jess said. "I'm going to go open the store. I'll see you guys later."

Jeremy looked at Jess and knew the apprehension was visible on his face when Jess gripped his shoulder gently. "You're in good hands, Jeremy." Jess cupped the back of Jeremy's neck and tilted his head down, landing a kiss just above his ear. He reached into his back pocket and took out his wallet, extricating his credit card and handing it to Jeremy. "You pick up breakfast, ok?"

Jeremy nodded, accepting the card.

"Jess, that's not necessary." Andrew said.

"It's the least I can do. We both really appreciate you doing this, Andrew." Jess turned to Jeremy. "Take a seat, Jeremy." Jeremy obediently pulled out the empty chair and sat down. He pulled off his hat and gloves, shoving them into his pockets before taking off his jacket and hanging it on the back of his chair. "All right, gentlemen. Enjoy your breakfast." Jeremy watched Jess walk out of the coffee shop, feeling a sense of dread settle in his stomach.

"So, what would you like? Do you drink coffee?" Andrew tilted his chin toward the small carafe of coffee and upside down mug already on the table.

"Uh, no, I'm not allowed." Jeremy felt his cheeks warming slightly in embarrassment at his admission. "I mean, it's not like I _can't_ drink it, but my Uncle Luke doesn't want me to…...so, I don't."

"Well, I don't want to get you in trouble with Luke." Andrew's tone wasn't unkind and Jeremy felt the coil of tension in his stomach unspooling slightly at the lack of thinly veiled hostility he had been expecting. "Tea, then? Or hot chocolate?"

"Uh, sure. Tea is good." Jeremy watched Andrew gesture the waitress over. Jeremy asked for a cup of chamomile tea, and listened to Andrew order a raspberry danish.

"Would you like something to eat, Jeremy? The pastries here are good."

"Uh, ok." Jeremy wasn't sure he would be able to eat on his nervous stomach, but he didn't want to make things uncomfortable by refusing. "I'll get the same thing, I guess. Thank you."

Andrew watched the waitress walk away. "So, Jess asked me to meet with you to talk about my son."

Jeremy nodded, unsure what to say, fighting the urge to break eye contact and look down at the table in front of him.

"Jess told me what happened and what you guys are doing. Do you know where you're going to volunteer yet?"

Jeremy felt a little more of his tension dissipate at the question, knowing Andrew was trying to make him comfortable by easing into things. He had met Andrew a few times at the bookstore, and the man had always been kind to him, but he knew the circumstances were different now and he hadn't known what to expect.

"Not yet. I've been busy with school and stuff, but I get like three weeks off at Christmas, so I'm hoping to find something I can start by then. Like maybe a soup kitchen or food bank or something."

Andrew nodded seriously. "Is that what you're interested in, helping people who are dealing with food insecurity?"

Jeremy was caught off guard by the question. "Uh, not really. I mean, I think they should get to eat, of course, I think everyone should, but I can't say I have a particular interest in it, or anything. I did a quick search and there seemed to be the most openings for that, though."

Andrew nodded again, his expression neutral. "If you spend more time looking, you could probably find something you're actually interested in. Something that could lead to something meaningful, possibly a career, or a lifelong purpose."

"Uh, yeah. You're probably right."

Andrew frowned. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to give you unsolicited advice."

"Oh, no, it's fine. It's, uh, it's good advice. If I'm going to spend a hundred hours doing something, it should be something I'm interested in."

Andrew took a sip of his coffee. "My wife is big into volunteering. She's involved in a literacy program in Hartford where she helps people learn how to read English."

"Like adults?" Jeremy asked.

"Yes, adults. Mostly people who moved here from other countries, sometimes refugees, who didn't learn English in their country and need to learn it now to get a job. She's always done a lot of volunteer work. She used to only volunteer with adults because she felt like she got enough of kids, or teenagers really, at the high school. She was an English teacher there for over 30 years. Then she took an early retirement after we lost our son." Andrew paused and glanced down at his coffee for a moment before looking back at Jeremy. "Sometimes, I think it was too early. She still volunteers with the adult literacy program, but she's thrown herself into a lot of other volunteer work with kids since she left the school. She does all kinds of stuff now. She teaches a parenting class for teen mothers who are in foster care at a community center in Woodbury, and a therapeutic life skills class for teenage girls in a juvenile detention center in Hartford. My understanding is that therapeutic life skills is a fancy term for teaching them how to knit." Andrew's lips curved up in a faint smile. "She tutors younger children at a homeless shelter. I asked her once if she wanted to go back to work, back to teaching, but she said she didn't. She said she likes what she's doing now more than being at the high school. She worked there when Jonathan was a student. She had him in her class his sophomore year. I think it was just too much for her to be there after we lost him."

Andrew stopped talking as the waitress returned and delivered Jeremy's tea and both their danishes. They both thanked her.

Jeremy watched Andrew take a deep breath. "So, I guess I'm supposed to talk to you about what happened to my son."

Andrew seemed to be waiting for Jeremy's consent, so he nodded, feeling much of his earlier trepidation rushing back. Jeremy felt a spike of anxiety over whether he would be able to handle this.

Jeremy listened to Andrew's story. Andrew started with the acknowledgment that his son, Jonathan, was probably a pretty typical kid, even though he had been the most special person on earth to Andrew and Celeste. He played sports, had friends. He was a sweet, sensitive boy. He was outgoing like his mother, that had been the thing Andrew had been most grateful for as he watched his son grow up, that Jonathan hadn't been held back by the same shyness that Andrew had as a kid. He had gone to college in Amherst, where he studied psychology. He had been living in Hartford and working at the men's prison, counseling inmates when he was killed. "It always seemed like the worst job to me. I hated that he went to such a dangerous place every day, but he really believed he could help the people serving time there. He would tell me that nothing could get better if the inmates didn't have people in their lives who gave a damn about them despite what they may have done, who listened to them and helped them feel human. He was very kind, very empathetic. He got that from his mother, too. When he died…" Andrew glanced down at his coffee cup. "It was the worst thing that ever happened to me." Jeremy could hear the emotion coloring Andrew's voice and he felt his own eyes getting damp. He struggled to get himself under control before Andrew looked back up, but he didn't make it in time, and he felt mortified at getting emotional in front of Andrew while the man's own eyes remained dry as he talked about his loss. "I can still remember the call from the police…...the drive down to Hartford in the middle of the night. To the morgue, instead of the emergency room. It was the worst feeling in the world, seeing him lying there like that, knowing I would never see him again, never hug him or talk to him or hear his voice again." Jeremy watched Andrew take a slow breath, taking in the pain in the man's face. "They said he died instantly, on impact, when he hit his head. The other driver was very drunk. He ran a red light at full speed, never even tapped his break. The car hit Jonathan's driver door. And, just like that, my little boy was gone and the best part of my life was over." Jeremy watched Andrew avert his eyes and breathe, in and out, trying not to lose it. Jeremy could feel a single tear escape his own eye and quickly wiped it away. He wasn't sure how much was left to the story, but he didn't know how much more he could take. He felt horrible for putting Andrew through this.

"I'm sorry." Jeremy's voice cracked, and another tear ran down his face. "I'm so sorry. For what I did. For what you went through. I want you to know that. I can't believe I could have done something like this to someone. I'm so sorry. It's the worst thing I've ever done in my life and I'll never do it again."

Andrew nodded, wordlessly, as he focused on the untouched danish on his plate, breathing steadily, in and out, for a moment that felt like forever to Jeremy. When Andrew looked up, he looked like someone who had put himself back together again. It hit Jeremy that he must have had a lot of practice doing exactly that.

"So, Jeremy, how's school going? You're wrapping up your first semester of college in a couple of weeks. How are you liking it so far?"

Jeremy was caught off guard by the abrupt transition, but rushed to respect Andrew's wishes, and started talking about school.


	19. Chapter 19 - The Wrap Up

**Chapter 19 Notes: ** This is the last chapter in this story, but I'm not sure if it's really the end of the line for Jess and Jeremy. I may write something set in a later time when Jess and Mallory are adopting a child together. I have a few thoughts in my head for something along that idea, but it would be sigificantly shorter, maybe even a long one-shot. I want to sincerely thank everyone who has stuck with both stories in this series and particulary those readers who were kind and generous enough to take the time to leave me comments and feedback in the reviews. I greatly appreciate every review I've received and knowing I had people out there enjoying my story and looking at it with a critical eye has helped me to become a better writer. Thank you!

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls.

"So, how are things going for Harrison over at Andrew and Celeste's?" Jess asked the question to engage his son, more than to satisfy his curiosity, since he had already spoken to Andrew about Harrison, and he knew from Andrew and Celeste's perspective, at least, that things had been going well the past two weeks. Jess looked over at his son, then followed the leash in the boy's hand down to Winston, who was sniffing the grass at the edge of the town square. It was chilly, definitely too cold to sit outside with the dog and talk, but since Winston still needed to be walked regardless of the temperature, Jess was making an effort for them to do it together, their little family of three, at least once or twice a week. He wanted more alone time with his son, quality time for real conversation when neither of them was distracted with work or studying. He knew Jeremy hadn't gotten to where he'd been overnight, when he had been smoking pot regularly and had driven himself home from that party under the influence. He knew things had built up for his son, and he wanted to make sure he kept them connected enough going forward that he would know what was going on with his kid, and would be able to be there for him next time, before things got so bad.

Jeremy smiled at the question. "He says it's going really well."

"Yeah? That's great." Jess hoped that wasn't all the boy was going to offer.

"Yeah. Harrison says his funding for rental assistance finally came through. DCFS pays it directly to whoever he's renting from, and I guess when they got the first payment, Celeste told him it was too much for his room and that they would only feel ok about taking that much if he let them cover his board, too."

"Oh, yeah. Andrew mentioned that. He said that Harrison was hard to convince, but that Celeste could be 'very convincing'."

Jeremy laughed. "That's what Harrison said, too, except he used the words 'nice, but wouldn't take no for an answer' instead. He said she had a comeback ready for every reason he gave about it not being necessary."

Jess smiled.

Jess watched a nervous look flit across his son's face. "You won't tell them he said that, right?"

Jess nodded, a little offended by the insinuation that he would betray his son's confidence, but working to not let it show. "I wouldn't do that."

Jess watched Jeremy's expression relax. "Yeah, sorry, I know you wouldn't." Jeremy smiled to himself. "Harrison really appreciated them offering to pay for his food and everything, and he said he was worried about taking advantage of them, or them seeing him as a little kid or a burden, but I kind of think it had more to do with not wanting to get too comfortable letting someone take care of him. The same way he didn't want to stay with us until he found something, even though you told him he could." The boy smiled. "Celeste even started packing his lunch for school, too. He said he didn't want her going out of her way, but she said she packed one for Andrew every morning, anyway, so it was no extra trouble. That's really nice of her, to include him like that, right?"

Jess knew about this. Andrew normally ran out to one of a handful of restaurants in town for his lunch, but since Harrison had moved in last week, Andrew had started bringing his lunch in tupperware and a cloth lunch bag. When Jess asked about the change, Andrew had filled him in. Now, if the store was dead, they sometimes ate lunch together in Andrew's office.

Jess nodded. "It is. They're nice people. I'd say overall, Harrison dodged a bullet with Liz and TJ. I know I would much rather live with Andrew and Celeste than with your grandparents if I were him."

"Yeah." The boy looked at Jess, his expression thoughtful. "I think maybe it's good that that fell through. I mean, it's not that I think Liz and TJ wouldn't have been nice to him, or anything, because I think they would have. But, like…"

Jess cocked an eyebrow at his son.

"Well, like, sometimes I feel like Liz and TJ can barely take care of themselves and Doula. And, it's not like Harrison needs to be taken care of or anything, but I feel like Andrew and Celeste have more to give someone else, like more….. I don't know exactly what I mean. But, it's like Andrew and Celeste have their own shit sorted out. And, maybe it's harder to really be there for someone else, if you don't have your own life together."

Jess thought about that. "I can see what you're saying. But, I think it might be possible to be there for someone _while_ you're getting your own shit together. I didn't exactly have my shit together when I got you, and I like to think I've done a halfway decent job of being there for you." Jess knew it was cheap to fish for a compliment, but he suddenly needed to hear that he was different from his mother in his son's eyes.

Jeremy looked directly at him, smile on his face, knit hat pulled low on his forehead against the cold. "Of course, you have. You do a more than halfway decent job." The boy smirked. "Do you really need me to tell you that?"

Jess smiled sheepishly at being called out. "Sorry. That was pretty lame. I admit it."

Jeremy's grin intensified. "It's ok. You're a good dad, Jess. I'll tell you that as many times as you need to hear it."

A warm feeling bloomed in Jess's chest at the words he had used so often in his early days with Jeremy. His mind flew back to all the times he had held his son, by the side of the road, in the car in Philly, at the motel, in their current apartment, and told the boy that he wasn't alone. The times he told him that he was loved and wanted and that Jess would tell him that as many times as he needed to hear it. He tried to squelch the instinct to make light of it with a joke. "I appreciate that." Jess watched his son smile, and gave into his instincts. "Hey, you know what sounds even better than 'you're a good dad, Jess'?"

Jeremy laughed. "Uh, I'm going to go with you're a good dad_, Dad_."

Jess playfully feigned embarrassment. "Aw, stop. You'll make me blush."

Jeremy laughed again, before turning his gaze back toward Winston and the town square in front of him. "And, yeah, maybe you were able to be there for me before you got your stuff figured out, even when everything went to shit, when you lost your job and your apartment burned down, but you were always still working on stuff even then. I'm not sure that Liz and TJ are still working on stuff, or on themselves, the same way you were, or are. I think maybe they'll always be the way they are, and that they're ok with how they are. And, I'm not trying to sound like a jerk. I like them, and they're my grandparents and they've always been nice to me and everything, but I kind of think I've gotten as close to them as I'm going to get. I know Liz likes being my grandmother, but I think that might have more to do with you than me because she wants you to like her and appreciate her. I think it would have been the same with Harrison, but I think maybe Andrew and Celeste will appreciate Harrison just for being Harrison. I guess, I think they took him in with better intentions, whereas I don't think Liz would have offered if she didn't think it would impress you. Sometimes, I feel like she can be kind of…..." Jeremy's voice became tentative. "Self-absorbed, maybe."

Jess nodded, holding back the grin he was feeling at his son's perception of Liz finally being more in line with his own. "Fair enough."

Jeremy's expression turned to concern. "Do I sound like a jerk?"

Jess smiled his most reassuring smile. "Not at all. I think your assessment is pretty dead on."

"But, I do like her. Her and TJ both."

Jess nodded seriously. "I know you do. And, you're a very good grandson to them." That was true. Even after what they had done to Harrison, Jeremy had still gone over for dinner and to spend time with Doula when Liz had asked him to, not bringing up his disappointment over what she had done, but accepting her anyway, even the parts he didn't like and couldn't change. Jess would have had more anger in Jeremy's shoes, at his age. It had taken him over three decades to accept Liz as she was, without wishing for something she was unable to give him. It was just one of many things that made Jess think that Jeremy would do so much better in his life than he had. The boy didn't have the same instinct to cut people out of his life that Jess had always had.

"And, I know I don't know Andrew and Celeste very well. I've only ever met Celeste a handful of times, but when Andrew met with me at Weston's….." Jess watched his son, trying not to look eager for details. He had asked both Jeremy and Andrew how the conversation had gone and received similarly solemn but vague replies, that it had gone well. He hadn't wanted to push either of them for details, not wanting to make Andrew talk about his pain a second time in one day, and trying to respect Jeremy's right to privacy with other people. "I mean, what he was talking to me about was the worst thing that ever happened to him. One of the worst things that _could_ happen to someone, I guess. But, he was willing to re-live what happened to keep me from doing the same thing again, and really fucking up my life. I could see how hard it was on him, but he still wanted to do it because he felt like it could spare someone else from going through what he and Celeste did." Jeremy shot a glance at Jess, whose nodded as he listened. "And, he wasn't mean about it. He was really nice to me, even though I had done something that could have…...hurt or killed someone else's kid the way some drunk driver killed his son."

Jess's instinct was to make a joke about how he wouldn't have trusted Andrew with him if he thought the guy was going to be a dick or hit him in the ear with a book, but something told him he shouldn't, that he should just listen instead, so he nodded wordlessly, his expression serious.

"And, he talked to me about volunteering. About how if I'm going to spend a hundred hours doing something, it should be something I find meaningful, because there's no point in wasting time on things I don't feel strongly about."

Jess watched Jeremy stare after Winston for a moment. The boy had a thoughtful expression on his face and Jess wondered what he was thinking. When he didn't start speaking again, Jess prompted him. "That's definitely solid advice. I know you said you were looking at soup kitchens or food banks. Are you still interested in those?"

Jeremy shook his head. "I don't think so. I've really been trying to think about what I care about, and what I have to offer. And, of course, it's good that there are soup kitchens and food banks and people who want to volunteer at them, but I don't really feel a sense of purpose in that area. And, I started thinking about Andrew turning something shitty into something that could maybe help someone else. And, not just because he talked to me, but for taking in Harrison, too. I wonder if they would have felt the same call to do that if they hadn't lost their son. And, I think about how easy it would be after what happened to just shut down and not be open to stuff like that, talking to me about Jonathan, or letting Harrison live with them. So many people in their situation would have gone that route instead, right, and closed themselves off?"

Jess thought about that, knowing that that was likely the direction he would have moved toward if he were grieving. If Jeremy were to die early and senselessly, Jess could see himself shutting down with anger, closing himself off to be alone with his pain. "I think you're right. A lot of people would have just shut down."

"But, it's really cool that he didn't, right?"

Jess nodded. "It is that."

"And, I know I don't have the skills or the training to do anything significant for anyone at this point, and I'm definitely still getting my own shit sorted out." The boy laughed softly, self-deprecatingly. "But I started thinking about how the best thing I might have to offer other people is the worst stuff that happened to me, too."

Jess could feel his brow furrowing. "How do you mean?"

"Just that I keep coming back to wanting to do some kind of volunteer work with foster kids. But, when I think about doing that, I get this kind of nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like, the whole idea of revisiting the time I spent in foster care feels scary, even though I made it out ok in the end."

Jess nodded. "I can understand that. And, I don't want you to feel like you have to do something that you're uncomfortable with, or anything. You can just do what you can. I bet you have lots of things that you could offer to people that you haven't even thought of yet."

"Yeah, I guess. I mean, I'm sure most volunteer work is worth doing, and that I could get something out of working at a soup kitchen, or anywhere else. And that I could do an ok job at those places. But, I keep coming back to the fact that I never had to stand in line at a soup kitchen. But, I've been where foster kids are. I think I could maybe offer them more just by understanding what they're going through." Jess watched Jeremy pause and frown. "Like I'm thinking that just because it would be hard and I get this visceral reaction to the idea, doesn't mean it isn't the best thing for me to do. Like, maybe it's the best thing _because_ it would be hard. Does that sound really stupid? I'm not saying I could fix anything for anyone, just that I might be able to help in some small, like teeny-tiny small, way just by getting what some kid still in foster care is going through."

"That doesn't sound stupid at all." Jess smiled even as he felt his stomach clench slightly at the idea of Jeremy getting dragged back into the worst memories of his life. "So, have you found a volunteer opportunity with foster kids?"

Jeremy frowned. "Not yet. The more involved ones that I've looked at so far, like becoming a CASA, or volunteering at group homes, seem to only take volunteers who are twenty-one or older. I'm thinking of asking Coach Forrester if I could talk to his wife about it and see if she has any ideas. He comes into the diner once in a while to pick up takeout."

"I think that's a good idea. Mallory might have some ideas, too."

"I already talked to Mallory about it, and she said she couldn't think of anything off the top of her head, but that Mrs. Forrester would probably know if there was something I could do to help before I'm twenty-one."

Huh. Jess had walked into the diner one afternoon a few days ago and found Jeremy on his break, sitting at a table for two with Mallory, sharing a basket of fries and deep in conversation. He hadn't asked what they were talking about. He trusted Mallory to clue him in if they had been discussing anything serious. He knew she worried about Jeremy, too. He could still remember lying in bed with her the night she told him about her concerns over Jeremy's reckless behavior, holding her against his chest for his own comfort listening to her telling him that sometimes people who behaved as if they had a deathwish, actually did, and that statistics support an increased risk of suicide among people who experience childhood trauma. She had also told him that Jeremy hadn't denied the connection between his thoughts and actions as vehemently as she would have liked. The conversation had been the catalyst Jess had needed to pick up his phone the next day and set up Jeremy's first therapy appointment.

"Well, then, I guess that's what you should do." Jess agreed, but felt a twinge of unexpected sadness at the idea of Jeremy needing guidance from someone beyond their family. He enjoyed the idea that between himself, Luke and Mallory, they could give Jeremy everything he needed, but he knew how ridiculous and unrealistic that was. Jeremy wasn't a little kid. "I guess Jenny is the expert."

"Yeah." Jeremy nodded and adjusted the collar of his coat against the cold. Winston had already relieved himself twice and at this point Jess knew he was just keeping his son outdoors in the cold to spend more uninterrupted time with him. He knew they should head back in, but he had one more topic he wanted to cover.

"So, are you ready for your first session with Dr. Wallace tomorrow?"

"Yeah. I think so. I'm a little nervous, but Mallory says she's really good, and that she's nice and everything so…." The boy trailed off and shrugged.

"I'm really glad you're willing to see her, Jeremy. I'm really proud of you for doing this."

Jess watched a small smile form on his son's face before the boy looked away, down toward his dog. "I know you are. I think it will be good." Jess's heart clenched at the apprehension in his son's voice, but he knew this was something that had to be done.

"All right." Jess said. "What do you two say we head back inside now?"

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The winter passes quickly, except when Jeremy is waiting for the bus to school in frigid temperatures. Then it crawls as he thinks about his car sitting idle in Luke and Lorelai's driveway. He thinks it was smart of Jess to make him suffer the consequences of a DUI. Otherwise, he wouldn't have this daily reflection on what he had done and how close he had come to really messing up his life. The first time they take the bus together after Harrison moves into Andrew and Celeste's house, when Harrison asks Jeremy what happened to his car, his expression curious, Jeremy is embarrassed and worried that his friend will think he's an awful person. He tells Harrison what happened and waits for judgement. It doesn't come. Harrison looks surprised, but doesn't condemn him, leaving it at, _I get it, we've all done some really dumb shit. _ Jeremy appreciates the understanding and feels grateful that he has Harrison as a friend.

Luke has the whole family, including Mallory, over for dinner for Jeremy's nineteenth birthday. Afterwards, when Jeremy and Luke are outside with Winston and Paul Anka, Luke asks Jeremy a question. He wants to know if Jeremy would resent it if Mallory pointed out that something he was doing was hurting Jess in a way that he wasn't aware of. Jeremy instantly goes into a mild panic and asks what he's done. Luke assures him it's a theoretical question. Luke never had a parent date or marry someone else and he worries about overstepping with Rory, but he kind of wants to call her and ask her to come home for Christmas. He thinks it would really cheer Lorelai up. He worries about her. She's been really down lately and the only thing he can think of that would make her feel better would be seeing Rory and Leelee. Jeremy tells him that he thinks that would be fine. If he were in Rory's shoes, he wouldn't resent it if Mallory did that. If Jeremy ever moves away, which he still can't see himself ever doing, he would appreciate having someone around who loves Jess enough to look out for him like that.

Luke's call with Rory goes well and she, Leelee, and Logan arrive in town for Christmas. Logan's wife found out about his relationship with Rory and left him months ago, moving back to Paris. Rory had been making herself scarce as she came to terms with playing a key role for the second time in the dissolution of another woman's marriage. One night after a family dinner, when Logan is in New York for work and Rory has had a couple glasses of wine, Jess and Rory are cleaning up the kitchen together while Luke shows Jeremy something in the garage and Lorelei and Mallory play with Leelee in the living room. Rory tells Jess that she feels horrible about what she did, but that she hopes Odette moves on to someone who makes her as happy as Mallory makes Jess. She tells him she isn't good in relationships, but neither is Logan, so they make good sense together. Jess thinks about asking if she can trust him, but if there's one thing he's learned from being a parent, it's when to keep his damn mouth shut. Instead, he just nods and passes her another dirty plate.

Things get worse before they get better. Jeremy's nighttime anxiety returns in the absence of both vaping and Harrison's presence in his room. The first few therapy sessions seem to exacerbate the problem, too, as Jeremy takes out and examines memories he had safely stored behind the wall of his mental vault years ago. Jess refuses to sleep at Mallory's for a while, which Jeremy feels guilty about, even though Mallory tells him she's fine with staying at their place instead. The nights aren't as bad when Jess is around, but needing his dad to sleep at home feels so humiliating that it increases Jeremy's anxiety in other ways. One night, after a particularly rough therapy session, even Jess's presence in the apartment isn't enough and Jeremy has a bad panic attack that leaves him crying and exhausted in bed, but still unable to sleep. He doesn't think he was making noise, but then Jess is opening his bedroom door, sitting on the edge of his bed, running a gentle hand through his hair and asking if he's ok. Jeremy nods wordlessly as he cries. He's so spent and wants to sleep so badly, but he knows it won't come tonight. Then Jess is squeezing into his twin bed with him, throwing an arm around him from behind, kissing the back of his sweaty head, holding him close. They lay there like that for a moment, Jess concerned and Jeremy feeling his mind finally start to relax, then Jeremy lets out a snort at the ridiculousness of the situation. Jess feigns innocent nonchalance as he asks what seems to be the problem. Jeremy laughs, tells him he really appreciates the thought, and asks if they can at least move to Jess's queen sized bed. They move to the other bedroom, carrying Winston's bed with them, the dog trailing behind them, sleepy and confused at the middle of the night relocation. Jeremy sleeps more soundly than he has since Harrison stopped staying in his room, but he promises himself this is a one time thing and makes Jess promise as well. It's too pathetic. Jess tells him whatever he needs.

Jeremy waits anxiously for his forty-five day license suspension to be over, hoping that Jill won't start seeing someone else before he's ready to ask her out. She doesn't and in late January, he works up the nerve to ask her to grab food and see a movie. She smiles and says yes, and it feels easy and right. They meet at a restaurant next to her retail job after her Friday afternoon shift. Despite Jeremy's nerves, the conversation flows easily and instead of going to the movies as they planned, they walk to a nearby coffee shop and continue their conversation over cups of tea. At the end of the evening, Jeremy gives Jill a ride home. He tries to be inconspicuous as he blows into the mouthpiece of his ignition interlock device, but he can feel his face warming with embarrassment. He feels self-conscious as he explains that this is part of a family punishment, that he didn't actually get a DUI. He doesn't know why he thinks this distinction will make it any better, but he sees the surprise and judgement on her face and feels like he needs to say something. He makes sure to tell her that he knows how stupid what he did was. Jill nods, but doesn't respond. The ride to Jill's house is quiet, with the easy going mood of the rest of the evening ruined, Jill's posture tense and manner closed off. Jeremy knows he isn't getting a second date. The next day, Marty asks how it went and when Jeremy fills him in, Marty looks horrified and tells Jeremy that Ashley told him that Jill's mother was killed by a drunk driver when she was eight. Jeremy feels like shit. When he tells Jess about it on one of their evening dog walks, Jess just nods and says he supposes that's another natural consequence of Jeremy's behavior. He cups the back of Jeremy's head through his knit hat and tells his son he's sorry, that he knows how much the boy likes Jill and that sometimes natural consequences suck. Jeremy doesn't press things with Jill, just watches her from afar on the edge of their social circle for the rest of the year, waiting patiently for an opportunity to prove to her that he's still a good person. The opportunity never comes and when they return to school in the fall, Jill is dating a second year student and no longer sits with Jeremy and Marty at lunch.

Jess tries not to pry about the details of Jeremy's therapy or what he discusses with Dr. Wallace, resigning himself to general, non-invasive questions, like _how's it going_? After a couple of months of sessions, Jeremy tells Jess that his therapist would like him to attend a session with Jeremy. Jess freaks out on the inside, but tries to play it off nonchalantly, saying of course, he would love to do that, and he switches his day off from the bookstore to accommodate the session. Jess sits on a couch next to his son in the therapist's office and listens to Jeremy, prompted by Dr. Wallace, tell him about the stress and fears he still experiences. Jess chokes up a little as he listens to his son talk about his deeply rooted fear of ending up alone, again. When Jess cuts in with his go to response, that it isn't going to happen, that too many people love Jeremy now for him to end up alone even if something happened to Jess, Dr. Wallace effectively shuts him down, telling him that Jeremy isn't looking for reassurances, just to be heard and understood, that Jeremy is intelligent enough to understand that he may need to journey alone again at some point and that no amount of love or the best intended promises can protect him from that. Jess feels a visceral hatred for this doctor unlike anything he has felt in a long time. But, his son is clearly invested in what's going on here, so Jess grits his teeth, shuts his mouth and listens. Jeremy talks about everything from his anxiety over not feeling good enough, to the pressure he sometimes feels about making sure he shows sufficient gratitude for everything Jess has done for him, to his worry over not being ready when he eventually has to move out on his own. And, Jess listens. He allows himself a nod here and there, but mostly he just listens.

Jess realizes Dr. Wallace must be doing something right when Jeremy starts sleeping through the night without anxiety. After a couple of weeks of good nights, Jeremy insists on a test and makes Jess agree to sleep at Mallory's. That night is a little harder, but still manageable. Jeremy knows the dark nights aren't gone forever, but he appreciates the better sleep he's getting, and for the moment that feels like enough.

Jeremy finds a volunteer position with an organization that holds meetups for kids in foster care. The group focuses on helping foster children develop life skills and build relationships while supporting them in achieving their educational goals. The meetup are twice a month on Saturday mornings. Even though this is a busy time in the diner, Jeremy knows that Luke will give him the time off. When Luke smiles fondly at him and tells him they'll work something out, Jeremy thanks him, for real, for always caring about him and being so accommodating to his needs. It isn't something Jeremy ever wants to take for granted. Luke just hugs him. Jeremy gets assigned to a group of younger kids, first and second graders, and he mostly works with them in a group setting, assisting as a member of the staff leads them through educational or recreational activities. Sometimes he gets to work one on one with a child who's having difficulty with their reading and that's Jeremy's favorite.

One day a little girl that he's working with breaks down while they're reading a book about a family of cartoon bears. She tells Jeremy that she misses her mom and that she wishes she had a family like the bear in the story. Jeremy tries to be careful. He doesn't want to do any damage. He thinks of Dr. Wallace talking about how sometimes people just need to be heard. He tells her that he knows it's hard. She frowns and asks him how he knows and he tells her that he grew up in foster care, too. She asks if he got adopted. He tells her yes. She says she wants to be adopted and asks him if he thinks she will be. He doesn't have an answer for that, and instead asks her what kind of family she wants to adopt her. The conversation feels fraught to Jeremy. He is aware of how easily he could mess something up as he listens to her describe the family she wants. He feels slightly panicked and tries to remember some of the things they learned in training. Listen. Don't comment on things you know nothing about. Don't assure them of anything that you yourself can't deliver.

When Rose, the program coordinator, asks him to stay behind at the end of the morning, Jeremy feels a pit of tension develop in his stomach and worries he's about to get fired from a volunteer job. Rose says she overheard him with Tanya. She asks him about his adoption, and is very interested that it happened at eighteen. She asks about whether he's going to college. And, finally, she asks if he would speak to the group of older teenagers and share his story at the next meetup, just something informal and relaxed where he can talk about his experience and answer a few questions. He doesn't feel like he can say no, so he spends the next two weeks struggling with nerves as he comes up with talking points. He practices what he's going to say with Jess as they sit in the grass with Winston. When he gets really panicked, he tries to steel his resolve by thinking about what Andrew was willing to do and talk about with him. He tells himself this is paying that forward. The talk goes better than he expected. He's too nervous to say he enjoys it, but after it's over, he's proud of himself for doing it. The next week Rose asks him if he would consider talking to a group of prospective foster parents at the end of their training program. His stomach clenches before she's done with the question, but again he says yes. He feels like this is something he can do.

Jeremy doesn't drink again for a long time after the night he drove home drunk from Marty's brother's party, but it doesn't really impact his friendship with Marty. They join an intramural baseball team in the spring and have a lot of fun playing together. Jeremy loves baseball. He always has. He reflects on certain times in his life when playing baseball felt like the only good thing he had, the only thing he did that could truly take his mind off the bad things, and provide him with a much needed escape. Being part of a team, where he usually felt like he fit in to some extent, when he often didn't anywhere else, had been a lifesaver. Things couldn't be more different now. Sometimes Jess comes to his games, sometimes with Mallory. Liz and TJ bring Doula to a game or two. The whole family comes to watch him play one weekend when April is in town. But, his most loyal fan is his Uncle Luke, who comes to almost every game, occasionally with Lorelai or with Jess, once with Lorelai, Rory and Leelee claiming that his granddaughter needed to be exposed to baseball from a young age, but often alone. After the games that Luke attends on his own, he and Jeremy usually grab food and talk, and it's one of Jeremy's favorite things, getting that kind of one on one attention from his uncle. They still occasionally toss a ball around outside on evenings when things are slow at the diner, talking about Jeremy's team, or about the Red Sox, or just catching up on each other's lives. Jeremy loves those moments so intensely that he sometimes feels grief for his future self, knowing how much he'll miss them when he no longer has them.

Winston starts to falter during the winter of Jeremy's second year of college. He's been an old dog since they adopted him, but his health seems to deteriorate suddenly and quickly. Jeremy notices his balance is off first when he starts to stumble. Then he can no longer manage the back stairs and needs to be carried outside. His appetite lessens. He has a couple of accidents in the apartment. It all happens so fast, and Jeremy watches all of if with wet eyes. When Winston's appetite doesn't improve and his breathing starts to sound labored, Jess tells him he thinks it's time to put Winston down. Mallory calls her father and he comes by that night. So does Luke, who wants to see Winston off. Jeremy cries soundlessly as he says goodbye to Winston. So, does Mallory. Jess and Luke both tear up, too, but are more successful at holding back actual tears. Jess is telling Winston how much they love him and what a good dog he is in the voice he reserves for Winston, and Jeremy is stroking Winston's head, unable to speak, as Dr. Howard gives him the injection. Even as he sits there crying, heart heavy with grief as he looks down at Winston's lifeless body, Jeremy feels a swell of gratitude that Winston got this last year, and this sendoff, in his own home, surrounded by his family. He thinks about how things could have gone, with Winston overdosing on pot, dying alone in the apartment if Luke hadn't found him, or his last moments spent scared at the vet surrounded by strangers, and he's so grateful to whoever or whatever was watching over Winston that day a year ago that spared him from a lonely death. He feels Luke wrap an arm around him and he leans into his uncle's side.

Things get harder for a while after they lose Winston. Jeremy's thoughts get darker. He misses Winston's companionship and a part of him feels hollowed out by grief. He becomes fixated on the death of his parents and the idea of losing Jess and Luke, too. He spends some sleepless nights missing his mother as well as the dad and uncle that he hasn't even lost yet. He thinks about how lonely life is when you aren't loved, how amazing it is to be loved, and he doesn't know how he would survive if he lost Jess and Luke. He pictures himself an older man, after their deaths, unloved and alone in the world, again. On some level he still believes this is the inevitable outcome for him. Talking to Dr. Wallace helps, but it's still a difficult time. Jeremy feels like he cries for weeks, but eventually the cloud lifts, and he starts to feel normal again.

Things go well for Harrison at Andrew and Celeste's house. He no longer needs to carry everything he owns around with him, or waste time figuring out where he'll stay each night. It's a huge load off his mind. Andrew and Celeste are good hosts. They make it known that he is welcome to eat with them in the dining room or watch TV with them in the living room. He sometimes takes them up on both, at first because he doesn't want to look rude or ungrateful, but then because he truly enjoys their company. Harrison finds himself slowly coming out of his protective shell around them. He appreciates having people to come home to after school or work who ask him about his day and genuinely care about how he's doing. He thinks about how having foster parents like them when he was young would have changed his life.

During Harrison's second year at WCC, Andrew's college age nephew, Trevor, stays with them for a week during winter break while he attends a psychology seminar in Hartford. Harrison clicks with him right away, and one evening, Andrew comes home early and walks in on them making out on Trevor's bed in one of the guest rooms. Andrew quickly shuts the door and Harrison hears his footsteps hurrying down the hall and the front door close a few minutes later. Trevor giggles, thinks it's funny, but Harrison knows what it means, that the most stable housing situation he's ever had, being welcome in Andrew's house, is all over. He knows from personal experience that no one wants the gay, black foster kid hooking up with their actual family. Andrew isn't home for dinner, and Harrison doesn't run into him until later that night, when they're both in the kitchen in their pajamas looking for a midnight snack. Andrew surprises Harrison by apologizing, saying he shouldn't have walked in like that, that Trevor isn't a kid anymore and Andrew should have waited for a response to his knock before entering, even though he thought Trevor couldn't hear him over the music. He promises he will never do anything like that again, and tells Harrison that the last thing he wants is for Harrison to feel that his privacy isn't respected in his own home. Harrison starts to apologize, too, but Andrew holds up one hand to stop him, telling him he has nothing to apologize for. Harrison relays the story to Jeremy with a thoughtful smile, telling him that even though it was embarrassing, he's glad it happened, that sometimes you need something stupid to happen to know where you really stand with someone.

Jeremy and Harrison graduate with associate's degrees and transfer to a four year college an hour and a half away. Jess is surprised when Jeremy tells him which school he's chosen, but Jeremy tells him he thinks it's time, and he'll be with Harrison and it's not so far that he can't come home for visits sometimes. They get a very cheap apartment together off campus, with Harrison's financial assistance from DCFS partially subsidizing his share of the rent and his tuition while he pays the remainder himself, aided by the lump sum that Andrew and Celeste give him, claiming that the money that DCFS paid them the past year and a half should be his. They tell him he was a joy to have in their home and that he's always welcome, and they don't need anyone to pay them for having him around. He protests, but gives in when Celeste won't take no for an answer. Jess still pays for Jeremy's tuition while Jeremy pays his own rent and other bills. Jess offers to help with those, too, but Jeremy tells him it's time for him to be independent. Jess makes him promise that he'll come to him if he needs anything, tells him that it's possible to be independent and still let the people who love you help you. Jeremy smiles and promises.

Andrew closes the bookstore for a day so that he and Jess can both help the boys move. Jeremy and Harrison don't have much and they fit most of their stuff in the backseat and trunk of Jeremy's car, Andrew and Celeste haul a carload of small things they are sending with Harrison, like the nightstand from their guest room, a couple of fans and a microwave, while Jess and Luke move the larger things, like Jeremy's dresser and an old set of table and chairs from Andrew and Celeste's attic in the back of Luke's truck. They take delivery on new beds and a couch and while Luke and Celeste are helping the boys get situated and putting together bed frames, Andrew and Jess make a last minute run to Target to make sure Jeremy and Harrison are set up with groceries, toilet paper and cleaning supplies. Jess hugs Jeremy goodbye, trying to keep the tears at bay, even as he sees matching dampness welling up in Jeremy's eyes. It's not until the ride home, Jess in the passenger seat of Luke's truck, that he needs to wipe at his eyes a little. Luke keeps his eyes on the road and Jess thinks he had successfully concealed his emotions until Luke pats him on the leg at a red light and tells him it gets easier. That not having April in his life on a daily basis when she moved to New Mexico felt like the worst thing in the world, but it gets easier.

Jess heads out to visit Jeremy at least once a month. Sometimes by himself, sometimes with Mallory, or Luke, or Andrew and Celeste. It feels too far, having his son away at school. He knows it's a ridiculous thought. That some parents have kids who go to college on the other side of the country, or join the military and get sent to dangerous places on the other side of the world. He tries to remind himself that this isn't a big deal, that's he's lucky to have his grown child so close. But, he can't help the sadness. He misses his son. Both boys return to Stars Hollow for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Harrison stays in his old room at Andrew and Celeste's house and Jeremy stays in the apartment. Jess and Mallory stay there with him, even though they have spent very few nights there since Jeremy moved out. Jess has been slowly but surely moving into Mallory's condo. Jeremy calls him on it when he comes home for a surprise weekend visit for Luke's birthday in the spring and Jess doesn't seem to have toothpaste or hair gel anywhere in the apartment. They talk about it and Jess is relieved to find that Jeremy seems ok with it. After that, Jess officially moves in with Mallory. At the end of the school year, Jeremy and Harrison decide to sublet their apartment and return to Stars Hollow for the summer. Luke has offered them the use of the apartment rent free so they could save some money. Harrison's partial rental and tuition assistance from DCFS stopped when he turned twenty-one, even though he still has a year's worth of college left, and he's eager to spend the summer working and saving for their last year of school. Jeremy is eager to be around his family again. He feels like he needs to be out on his own for school, if for no other reason than to prove to himself that he can, but it feels so far and he's ready for a break. He misses Jess and Luke and Mallory and everyone else.

They return to school for their final year and after they graduate, Harrison with a degree in nursing and Jeremy with one in social work, they again move back to Stars Hollow and live in the apartment while they get on their feet. This time around they insist on paying rent to Luke, but he insists on keeping the amount well below market. Luke tells Jess that he socks away what they are paying him in a special account to give back to them as a gift when they eventually move out. He wants Jess to know about it in case something happens to him before the boys move out. Jess rolls his eyes at first, then presses Luke to make sure he's ok. He swears he is. Harrison gets a job as a pediatric nurse at the hospital in Woodbury and Jeremy gets a job at a foster family agency two towns over. One night a few weeks into their new careers, they celebrate their success by cooking a nice dinner together and opening a bottle of red wine. They toast themselves for being the outliers, quoting the statistic they had heard so much growing up, and giving themselves credit for being part of the 3% of foster kids who age out of the system and go on to earn degrees at four year colleges. Jeremy feels so grateful that he has a friend who gets it.

Jess's path to a degree is a little rockier. It takes him longer to finish his associate's because he is going to school more than part-time, but not quite full-time. He also spends way too many late nights, when he should be studying or sleeping, hunched over his laptop crafting short stories. He comes up with some characters and stories he likes, but none that he feels strongly enough about to try to turn into a book. He eventually finishes at WCC and transfers his credits to a four year college, still in an online program. He has trouble choosing a major, or a career path he wants to pursue. He watches Jeremy and Harrison graduate with their bachelor's degrees and feels a measure of shame that two kids half his age know what they want to do with their lives while he's still floundering. He gets a call from Mason, who tracked him down in the school system. Mason has started an online literary magazine and wants to publish the essay that Jess turned in on adopting Jeremy. Mason says he knows the money he's offering is shit, but he's just getting the magazine up and running and it's the best he can do right now and it would get some of Jess's work out there. He tells Jess that he is far too talented a writer to not have his work read. Jess agrees on the grounds that he be allowed to do some editing work on the piece first. As he edits, he gets inspired and starts penning a companion piece about the first day Jeremy arrived in his home. He runs both by Jeremy for his ok, and offers them to Mason. Mason sends back a complimentary email and publishes both. Jess cashes his meager check then doesn't think about either piece again for a while as he heads into final exams.

Without really planning on it, Jess gravitates toward enough literature and writing courses that he knows he has picked his major. One night, when he has worked late at the bookstore and still needs to finish a paper for school, he finds himself sitting at his laptop procrastinating. He opens the file containing the pieces he sold to Mason and starts screwing around with a third installment. He ends up working through the night, fleshing out a scene between a new foster dad and his teenage foster son. There is familiar stuff there, but the dad isn't him and the son isn't Jeremy. The personalities and circumstances are different, even if the emotion is real. Jess knows this is it. If he's ever going to write another book, this is it.

Jess writes in secret. Late at night, early in the morning, occasionally during slow times at work, or in the evenings when he knows Mallory assumes he's doing homework. He doesn't know why, but he doesn't want anyone to know what he's doing until he has enough written to know whether it's good. Jess feels like his life is a balancing act between work at the bookstore, taking classes, being a good partner to Mallory and a good parent to Jeremy, but when Mallory brings up wanting to foster a child sooner rather than later, he isn't dumb enough to make the same mistake twice. He would prefer to wait until he's graduated school, but since he's cut back on his course load to make time for his writing, he doesn't feel ok with making Mallory wait for something she wants when he knows he isn't prioritizing getting through school as highly as he could be. Now that's he's finding a sense of purpose in his writing, he feels less urgency to graduate quickly. He still wants to graduate so he'll have the degree and because he promised Luke he would, but it doesn't feel as important as it once did.

He has flashbacks to the end of things with Charisse and more than anything else, he does not want a repeat of how things went down then. He does everything differently this time around. Makes time for the foster care classes, and all the paperwork, and helps turn Mallory's second bedroom into a kid's room, and a few months later the social worker calls with their first placement, an energetic two-year-old girl named Desiree. It's a very temporary placement. Desiree's mother is undergoing rehabilitation in a residential drug treatment program and there is no other family to care for the girl until her mother is released. Jess watches Mallory fall in love with the girl and knows he made the right decision, even if having a toddler around is making his life a little more hectic. There are so many ways to fuck up, but he'll be damned if he's going to fuck up the same way twice. He likes to think he's learned a little something along the way.

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"So, this is my replacement, huh?" Jeremy smiled enthusiastically and waved a small stuffed bear at the little girl, trying to engage her. Her face erupted into a grin and she giggled, revealing tiny white teeth. She toddled toward Jeremy, snatched the bear from his hand and moved quickly away, still giggling.

"Yup. This is her." Jess said. "And that's her signature move, the grab and run. She hasn't quite mastered the whole sharing thing yet."

Desiree frowned and let out an excited string of indecipherable sounds before breaking into more laughter.

Jeremy rested a hand on the living room floor where he was sitting cross-legged with Jess and turned toward his father. "I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure she just told you to shove it."

Jess laughed. "Hey, don't project your mean little thoughts onto an innocent child."

Jeremy huffed out a quiet laugh. "She's a really happy baby, isn't she?"

"Hey, there are no babies here. Desiree's a big girl. Aren't you sweetie?" Jess scooted closer to Desiree and gently extricated the toy bear from her little hands, a warm smile on his face as he hid the bear behind his back. "Where's your bear? Where did Mr. Bear go? Huh? Where is that little guy?"

Desiree shrieked with laughter and toddled around Jess, clearly familiar with the routine. She quickly grabbed the bear from his hands and took a few steps away from him, looking back over her shoulder with a mischievous smile, waiting to see what Jess would do.

"It's like you guys are playing some kind of reverse fetch." Jeremy observed.

Jess laughed. "Yeah. It only took her a couple of days to train me, too. She's pretty sharp."

"It looks like you're really enjoying having her here." Jeremy said.

Jess looked over toward his son. "Yeah, I am. I was a little worried about fostering while I'm still juggling work and school, and other than Leelee and Doula, I don't have all that much experience with people this little, but I have to admit, she's pretty fun to have around. Playing with her is actually a pretty good stress reliever." Jess made a slow, playful grab for the bear, and Desiree shrieked and hid the bear behind her back. "It's kind of like being around Winston."

Jeremy smiled at the memory of his dog. He still missed him sometimes. "If you want to get another placement after Desiree goes back to her mom, I wouldn't make that comparison to your social worker."

Jess laughed. "No? You wouldn't give me another foster kid just for comparing one to a dog?"

"_I_ would, of course." Jeremy's voice was playful. "But, Ranesha might not appreciate the comparison as much. She didn't know Winston so she might not realize what a huge compliment it is." Jeremy's role in the foster family agency he worked for involved monitoring foster families and checking in on kids who had already been placed along with recruiting new foster parents, but he hadn't been able to work with Jess and Mallory due to the conflict of interest. The most he had been allowed to do was write the one letter of recommendation for their application that could be from a family member.

"Huh. I'll take that under advisement." Jess swiped lazily at the bear again, and instead of pulling it away, Desiree launched herself at him and latched onto his neck. Jeremy watched Jess wrap his arms around her small frame and pull her into a hug against his chest. "Oh, hug time! Who's a good little munchkin?"

Jeremy's mind went back to Jess asking Winston a similar question, _who's a good boy_, and then jokingly asking the same of Jeremy as he ruffled the boy's hair while he did homework. It felt odd watching Jess parent another child. Not bad, just odd. "She seems to have taken to you really well."

Jess looked over the little girl's head at his son as she snuggled into his lap. "Yeah. I don't want to jinx it or anything, but she's been really easy so far. She's a happy, easy-going kid. I expected a lot more…...angst from the separation from her m-o-m." Jess looked down at the girl in his lap, who was calmly leaning into his chest, her brown skin vibrant against his white tee-shirt, her eyes drowsy. "I thought for sure we were in for a lot of crying and meltdowns, but it's been the opposite. She loves attention. From anyone, me and Mal, Luke and Lorelai, the cashier at Doose's. It doesn't matter. It's all working out really well. She's been a great first foster kid for us, while we get our feet wet."

Jess took in the smirk on his son's face. "What?"

"Uh, I think you might be forgetting something."

Jeremy watched the recognition flicker across his father's face. "Oh, yeah. I mean, there's you, obviously." Jess huffed out a quiet laugh at the ridiculousness of his own statement. "But, you've been my _regular_ kid for so long now that I don't even think of you in the same category anymore."

Jeremy smiled, his tone teasing. "But, I _was_ still your first."

"Yes, you were. I can't say you were as easy, though. I remember there being _lots_ of crying and meltdowns with you."

Jeremy barked out a laugh. "You're such a jerk."

"Hey." Jess feigned admonishment. "No name calling in front of the munchkin here." He bounced the child in his arms lightly in emphasis. "Honestly, I would think a child welfare professional would know a little better than that." He scoffed. "Looks like they hire all kinds of riff-raff these days."

Jeremy smiled. "I'm really glad you guys are doing this. I knew you'd be good at it, but I'm glad you're liking it so much, too. You and Mallory are such great parents. I think it's so awesome that you guys are sharing yourselves like this with kids who need someone."

Jess looked at Jeremy with soft eyes and a warm smile. "Thank you, Jeremy. That means a lot to me. I'm glad we're doing it, too." He nodded toward his son. "And, we did have good inspiration."

Jeremy sighed. "Sometimes I think about how much better I would have turned out, if I'd been sent to live with you, or you and Mallory, when I was little."

Jess nodded, his express solemn. "I think about what life would have been like if I'd had you from the time you were little, too. But, I don't think you could have turned out any better than you are now. I don't think that's possible."

Jeremy smirked. "Aw, that's still what I like best about you after all these years. Your incredibly low standards."

Jess took one hand off Desiree and made a show of playfully swiping at Jeremy's shoulder, missing him by about a foot. "You're lucky I'm holding this little munchkin, right now. That's all I'm going to say."

Jeremy leaned toward Jess, peering closer at Desiree's face. "Is she seriously out? Just like that?"

Jess looked down at her closed eyes and slack mouth. "Looks like. She goes straight from adorably playful to passed the eff out, which in my opinion are the two best looks on a kid."

"Wow." Jeremy lowered his voice to not disturb the sleeping girl. "You weren't lying. She really is an easy kid. I hope you know they're not all going to be like this."

"I know." Jess started to stand up, carrying Desiree. "I'm going to go put her down in her room and then I want to hear all about what's going on with you. I feel like I haven't seen my little boy in forever."

Jeremy laughed quietly. "Uh, it's been like six days."

Jess tapped his son lightly on the back of the head as he walked by, cradling Desiree in one arm. "Hey, potato, potahto, smartass." Jeremy smiled and rose to his feet to follow.

-The End-


	20. Chapter 20 - New Beginnings

**Chapter 20 Notes**: This chapter is set about 7 years after the end of the last one. It's really more of a long one-shot, but I wanted to add it to A Hard Knock Life II so that everyone following that story would be able to find it. As always, thanks to everyone who reads and reviews this and to the readers who have followed Jess and Jeremy's story all this time. I appreciate you guys so very much. Enjoy, but be warned, this is a long one...I think it's the longest installment of this series.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls.

**Trigger Warning:** Offscreen death of minor character. Grief. Dealing with past trauma.

"That right there!" Jess said, feeling himself relaxing as he laughed at his uncle's enthusiastically warm reaction, feeling lighter than he had all day. "That excited look on your face." Jess shook a finger at the man standing across the counter. "The very one I just warned you about. That's not ok, Luke." Jess said, his expression shifting into exaggerated sternness.

"What?" Luke laughed, feeling a grin stretch across his face as he walked out from behind the counter toward his serious looking nephew. "What are you talking about, Jess? This is wonderful news! Get over here, kid, I need to hug you." Luke pulled Jess into a hug in the otherwise empty, closed diner, squeezing his nephew tightly. "This is big, nephew! I'm so happy for you and Mallory!"

Jess allowed the hug to last a long beat, first to humor his uncle, then to indulge himself for a moment, to soak up the love and affection from someone who, unlike himself, could be counted on to not go looking past the sheer joy of the situation, before pulling back and leveling a serious look at the man. "I'm serious about this, Luke. It _is_ big, but it's not any bigger than the other times I've added to my family. We're just taking a different route this time. You can't act like this is my first child. It isn't."

Luke laughed. "Who said anything about it being your first child? Do you honestly think I've forgotten about Jeremy-"

"And, Darius." Jess cut in.

"I was going to say Darius, too!" Luke was still smiling as he protested. "You didn't give me a chance!"

"We're still adopting Darius. So, by the time this kid is born, he or she will be my third child. No more or less loved or special, or any more my 'real' child, than the two I'll already have. Got it?" Jess spoke slowly, emphasizing every word.

Luke took in the warning in his nephew's voice and consciously tried to tone down his grin, but failed. He clapped Jess on the shoulder instead to show he was taking his concerns seriously. "I understand that, Jess. But, still, you have to admit this is a pretty big deal. It's exciting to think there's going to be a new baby in the family! Babies are amazing! They're their own special little breed of people. Having Leelee with us for that first year was such an incredible experience. And I've seen you with the babies you've fostered, how much you enjoy being with them. You're going to love this, Jess. You're going to be such a great dad-"

"I _am_ such a great dad." Jess cut in. He thought about how presumptuous that sounded and shook his head. "Or, I'm not, or whatever. I don't know. But, my point is, I already _am_ a dad, great or otherwise. This baby isn't going to _make_ me a dad. And, that is exactly the type of bullshit comment I don't want people making in front of Jeremy and Darius. Ok?"

Luke frowned, looking slightly pained, and Jess felt a twinge of guilt for being so harsh with someone who loved him so much and only ever wanted to see him happy. Luke nodded his head, his expression solemn. "You're right. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that, Jess. I just meant that you're going to be a great dad for this baby to have." Jess felt bad watching Luke carefully weigh each word as he spoke, but he knew this was a point that had to be made as early as possible. He had no doubt that Luke would never purposely hurt Jeremy or Darius, but he knew firsthand that thoughtless comments could sting even when they weren't intended to. He could still remember overhearing Liz, pregnant with Doula, voice full of sincerity and love, telling TJ how excited she was to be starting a real family, as if Jess hadn't existed or had just been a practice kid. "You've been so good with the babies you and Mallory have fostered already. You're going to be so good at this. At being the dad of a baby. That's all I meant. You know how much I love Jeremy. I couldn't love that boy more if he were my own child."

Jess sighed. "I know. I'm sorry for snapping at you."

"It's ok, Jess. And, I'm starting to bond with Darius, too. Or, he's starting to tolerate me a little more, at least. And even though things have been…...harder with him than they were with Jeremy, I already love him because he's yours, and I would die in a second to protect either one of those boys."

"I know you would, I just…...I never saw this happening, us having a biological child. We weren't trying for one. I'm forty years old." Forty hadn't felt old to Jess until Mallory had given him the news the night before. Now he felt positively ancient, and unsure if he had the emotional energy to do everything that needed to be done for both Darius and a new baby, to do everything and do it well and still have time to work all day at the bookstore, be there for Mallory and Jeremy, and put his best effort into the book he was currently working on, his third if _The Subsect_ was included in the tally. Luke was right, nothing was easy with Darius. Some days just dealing with his eight-year-old foster son's anger and defiant behavior left Jess feeling overwhelmed, ineffectual and emotionally depleted. "And Mallory's thirty-nine. Some of her friends who got pregnant at her age had to go through fertility treatments to make it happen. We never saw this coming…...We were happy doing what we were doing. Fostering. I was just starting to get a handle on us keeping Darius. And, now…..I don't know…..I just feel like this is going to make everything so much more….complicated, for everyone. There's so much room to fuck things up here. I just don't want to…..damage the two damaged kids I already have. I want to do this right, but I'm not a hundred percent clear on what that entails."

"Jess, no parent is ever a hundred percent clear on how to not damage their kids. If we were, there'd be a hell of a lot less damaged people out there. We can all only do our best. The only advice I can give you is to try not to make this more complicated than it needs to be. And, Jeremy's not exactly a kid anymore. He's twenty-five. An adult out on his own. He'll be fine with this. He'll be happy for you guys, and happy to have a new little brother or sister to love."

"I know, but with what he's going through right now." Jess exhaled. "I'm worried about him."

"I know you are, but everyone has setbacks, Jess. This was a big one, but he'll get through this. He'll get himself together, land on his feet, and get back to work."

Jess frowned. "This was more than just a career setback, Luke. Since you're the one he's been spending most of his time with and talking to these days, I really hope you understand that."

Luke nodded. "I do. I understand that, Jess. But I also know he's a strong kid. He's resilient. He'll be ok. And, he's _so_ young. He's got so much time ahead of him to get himself sorted out and find a job that's a good fit."

Jess huffed out a laugh. "Which is it, Luke? Jeremy's an adult who's going to be fine with me having a baby, or he's a kid who can bounce back like a rubber ball with his whole life ahead of him?"

Luke laughed. "Can't he be both?"

Jess sighed. "If you say so. I just feel like it's shitty timing to have this happen now. With Jeremy's…...situation and with everything still so hard with Darius."

"Life doesn't run on your schedule, my friend." Luke smiled and clapped his nephew on the arm. "You've gotta know that by now. Maybe you just need to have faith that everything will work out."

"Maybe." Jess sounded unconvinced.

"Hey, becoming April's dad, or at least finding out about her the way I did, that was the biggest complication of my pretty boring life. But, it was also the best thing that ever happened to me. Your mother sending you to live with me was another complication that worked out pretty well for me." Luke smiled warmly as he studied his nephew carefully. Jess didn't usually reveal a lot of emotion, but tonight he seemed especially guarded. "You _are_ happy about the baby, though, right?"

Jess frowned slightly, caught off guard at the question, then laughed softly. "Yeah. Sure. I mean, aside from being conflicted about bringing another innocent person into this fucked up world, and worrying about the future mental health of a kid who's going to inherit Liz's whackjob DNA, I guess I am."

Luke smiled. "Hey, you and Doula have Liz's whackjob DNA and you guys turned out just fine."

Jess huffed out a breath, not quite a laugh. "I guess." He sighed. "I want to feel happier about this than I do. I'm _trying_ to be happy, but I mostly just feel stressed."

"Well, maybe it will take you some time to adjust to the idea. How's Mallory handling the news?"

"Better than me. She has always been of the mind that there was no real reason for us to create a life, when there are already too many people running around the planet, and so many unwanted children in the world that we could take care of…...but." Jess could feel the corners of his lips curling up at the memory of Mallory the night before, her face close to his, eyes lit up and damp, toothy grin shining in the moonlight, looking like herself, the sparkling woman Jess remembered, as they sat on the front porch of their house in Woodbury after Darius had gone to bed. "She was kind of glowing when she told me last night. She's happy about it."

"Well, good. I'm glad to hear that one of you is glowing."

Jess huffed out a soft laugh. "Yeah. She's always been more optimistic than me."

Luke smiled. "I know. I've always liked that about her. It's one of the things that makes her so good for you, and makes me so glad you married her. And, after the year she's had…...well, that girl deserves whatever makes her glow."

Jess nodded, thinking about the tremendous loss Mallory had experienced a few months back, shortly after Darius had asked them to adopt him and they said yes. The loss that had left Jess doubting his own ability to still make his wife glow. "That she does."

Luke pulled Jess into another hug, and Jess went willingly, wrapping his arms around his uncle, not even protesting when the man smacked a kiss onto the side of his head, just grateful to have someone he could be so honest with, who wouldn't judge him. "I love you so much, nephew, and I am so proud of you and so happy for you and Mallory both. For your whole little soon-to-be-family of five. I love all of you so much."

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"No!" The boy's face was contorted with a rage so powerful that his tiny shoulders trembled under the weight of it, as if Jess had suggested feeding the child to hungry alligators instead of reading another sentence of a children's book. The level of anger that such a small little body was capable of generating never ceased to amaze and bewilder Jess. He rationally knew he had been an angry kid once, too, but that had been a lifetime ago and he could no longer really remember how it felt to get himself that worked up with hostile emotion. "I hate this book! It's stupid! I hate you for making me read it! Fuck you!" The book went flying across the room as Jess knew it would at some point, it had really just been a matter of when. Jess was used to their evening routine by now, to trying to get Darius to focus and read with him every night an hour before his bedtime. This was supposed to be their daily one-on-one time as recommended by their adoption social worker, to build individual relationships with their future son in addition to bonding as a family. Mallory's had been homework time after school, when school had been in session, and over the summer her time had involved working to get Darius caught up with his class. They normally made dinner and ate together, followed by a board game or a walk as a family, and then reading with Jess for practice and later being read to for pleasure by Mallory as she put him to bed. They were developing comfortable little routines. Early on, Jess had worried that Mallory was getting short-changed with homework duty, back when Jess had just read to Darius on the couch every evening and things had gone relatively smoothly, Darius, small and cute in his pajamas, cuddled into the couch beside Jess, as close to contact as the boy ever initiated with him, as Jess read to him, seemingly the only time the boy was still and quiet all day, hours after Mallory had struggled to get the boy to focus on math and spelling at the kitchen table.

Then Lulu had called them into school before the end of the year to inform them of how far behind the boy was lagging in his reading skills, how it was affecting the rest of his education, and at her suggestion, Jess had pushed for Darius to read to him, too, with them each taking turns, getting through one page of a kindergarten level picture book at a time, even though the eight year old would be starting his second shot at second grade in a couple of weeks. The change in the boy's demeanor had been instant but the progress had been slow. Darius no longer looked relaxed when Jess read to him, the expression on his little face closed and defensive instead, as he waited for Jess to prompt him to take his turn. And, Jess got it. Darius knew he wasn't a good reader, that he didn't do it as well as the other kids in his class, and it embarrassed and frustrated him. And, Darius, from what Jess observed, appeared to be a big believer in a strong offense being the best defense, and usually lashed out preemptively, tossing books across the room, telling Jess to go fuck himself at high volume, and on more than one occasion punching and kicking at Jess's arm and side. Jess could remember the night the boy's foot had caught him in the mouth, and the boy screaming bloody murder when Jess had responded without thinking, making the mistake of putting his hands on the boy, grasping his bony little shoulders with a small shake to control him, telling him to stop it, to calm down. The noise of the full blown meltdown that ensued had brought Mallory rushing into their one-on-one time, comforting the hysterical boy while Jess had sat there, relegated to the outside alone, as he watched his family, ashamed for not having been better able to handle the situation without terrifying his child, to not have calmly removed himself from Darius's line of fire or retrieved the special therapy pillow, the one thing that Darius was allowed to punch and kick when he was upset, without putting annoyed and angry hands on the boy. Darius came from a physically abusive home, and everything from sudden movement to an unexpected hand on his person could result in a major freak out. Jess knew it wasn't uncommon for abused children in foster care to be triggered by men, especially male authority figures, especially when they were angry, he could even understand the reasoning from his own childhood experiences, but it had felt like adding insult to injury as he sat there watching Darius cling onto Mallory like a baby koala, skinny brown arms wrapped tightly around her neck, legs wrapped around her waist, sobbing uncontrollably into her neck while she rubbed his back and spoke soothingly to him.

Jess sighed and collected himself. He turned to make eye contact with his foster son, already regretting that he sighed and let his own frustration show. "I know you don't like reading right now."

"I hate reading!" The boy yelled. "It's stupid! So are you! Fuck you for making me read!"

"Ok, you hate reading. I get that. It's hard for you." Jess hurried to continue before the boy could contest that point, too. "But, I swear to you, Darius, it will get easier the more you do it. If we keep at it every night like we have been, you'll get to be a pro, and then it won't seem so bad. You might even learn to like reading."

"No!" Jess's heart broke as he watched the boy's eyes tear up in frustration even through his anger. "Fuck reading! I won't ever like it! Reading is shit! I hate it! It's stupid!"

"Ok." They went through some variation of this script every night. Jess ignoring the foul language so as not to give Darius the reaction he expected or wanted, remaining calm while he absorbed verbal abuse from a small child, trying to focus on Dr. Daniel's behavioral mantra, to recognize and address the genuine unmet need being expressed through the boy's behavior, no matter how inappropriately. "I hear you. I think we need a break. How about we do our calm down exercises? That always helps when we're feeling mad or frustrated, right?"

"No." The boy eyed him suspiciously, little arms crossed defiantly over his small chest. His response more sullen than angry. "I hate those, too." Jess reflected on how small and cute the boy was even when he was losing it like this.

"I think if we calm down a little, we might be able to focus better and think about things more clearly. What do you think?"

"No! I don't want to calm down." Jess could tell the boy was already backing off his anger, the words not carrying anywhere near the same heated intensity as earlier, but unwilling to abandon his stance completely. The angry outbursts didn't last nearly as long as they used to. Jess liked to think they were making progress.

"Let's take a few deep breaths." Jess made a show of taking an exaggerated deep breath, holding it for a moment and releasing it slowly, just as Dr. Daniels had shown them. "Can you do it with me, Darius?"

"No. That's stupid." The boy was still frowning, but Jess could see that the worst of the tension had been released from his little body. Darius saw a therapist who specialized in traumatized children once a week. Twice a month, Jess and Mallory met with the therapist after Darius's session to discuss the boy's progress and potential behavioral strategies to employ with him. Darius also spent an hour on Saturday mornings at a ranch forty-five minutes outside of town riding and interacting with horses with an equine therapist, and he had a monthly check in with the DCFS department of mental health therapist who was monitoring his case pre-adoption. Jess felt like he had therapists coming out of his ass, but that was ok. It was good. He wasn't going to make the same mistake he had with Jeremy, by not getting him therapy until the boy had started exhibiting self-destructive behavior during his freshman year of college. Jess wasn't sure how much impact any of this was having on Darius's ability to self-regulate his emotions, but Jess could see improvement in his own ability to cope with his foster son. One thing Dr. Daniels had instilled in Jess was the idea that regardless of what else was achieved, Jess and Mallory's primary objective was to build trust, to be loving and patient and show Darius that they were there for him, that they wouldn't hurt him, that they would stick with him, regardless of what he did, while they all worked on his behavior together, as a family. One thing that particularly resonated with Jess was Dr. Daniels's explanation that Darius hadn't gotten to where he was now on his own, that the years of physical abuse, emotional neglect and poor behavioral modeling he had received from his birth parents had shaped him into the angry, impulsive and distrustful little boy they were planning to adopt, and he couldn't change on his own either. He would need an abundance of adult patience and better modeling to help him learn to self-regulate and get his emotions and behavior under control.

Jess got down on the floor, where he would have more room, settling himself with his knees out and ankles crossed in front of him, in a position he had learned from Mallory was currently known as criss-cross-apple-sauce as opposed to the now politically incorrect moniker of 'Indian style' that it had born during his own early childhood. Darius didn't join him, but Jess modeled several more deep breaths, for both their benefits, slowly extending his arms and raising them out by his sides, looking up to watch his palms meet above his head as he completed the inhale, closing his eyes as he held the breath for a beat, before lowering his arms slowly back down to his sides as he exhaled, setting his intention for patience and love for his child. Originally Jess had felt silly breathing through yoga poses with his little eight-year-old foster son, but he had to admit that the therapist had been onto something. Sometimes just watching, knowing Jess was meeting his anger with calm understanding and the desire to help, instead of anger of his own, seemed to help the boy to settle down. So far, Jess knew this had been a particularly easy night. Jess thought back to their reading session a few days back when it had rained all day and Darius had spent most of the day cooped up indoors with Mallory between the library and the house, and how much worse the kid's behavior had been by evening because of it.

Jess took another deep, steadying breath as he raised his arms slowly outward and upward, watching the boy watch him from the couch. He was reminded of the times he had watched Mallory doing a yoga video in the living room, and how her concentration and zen had rubbed off on him even as an observer. He kept going, up and down, in and out, steady and rhythmic, and eventually he watched the boy scoot off the edge of the couch, and sit with his legs crossed on the floor, taking one tentative deep breath of his own, as he mimicked Jess's arm movements. They kept it up in unison for a while, Jess reflecting on his suspicion that Darius liked how the mini yoga exercises made him feel when he was losing control, but didn't know another way to ask for help other than acting out.

Jess did his best at all the things the therapist and social worker advised him to do, but the worry he came back to the most centered on how detached he felt from Darius, the boy who would soon be his son. It was hard to develop love and attachment for a child who didn't seem to like him all that much, who wouldn't let him touch him even for a goodnight hug, and who personally rejected him as often as not. He thought back to an early conversation with their social worker about Darius's past abuse at the hands of his biological father and his current issues dealing with men. Jess has asked if Darius wouldn't be better off in a home with a single mother. Ranesha had shaken her head, telling them that Darius was an adoptable child and he said he wanted both a mom and a dad and she had to respect that when it came to placements that could lead to permanency for him. Jess figured he had to respect it, too. He tried to keep it in mind when Darius seemed to hate him or want nothing to do with him, the idea that the boy wanted a dad, he just didn't know how to have one. Jess had worn those same shoes as a child. He could be the patient adult. He could wait the boy out. And, he told himself, they were making progress already. Just this, Darius willingly existing in the same space alone with Jess was huge and something that had taken time to achieve. Jess tried to feel positive, but sometimes it was hard to look at a moment like this and not just see the peaceful eye of a behavioral shitstorm.

Jess knew that the next step, before any more reading could be done, was to convince the now calm child to retrieve the book he had thrown. He knew from experience that that one task could feel like moving a mountain, and he wondered how things would change once the baby arrived, if he would still have the time and the patience to walk his eight year old through this kind of routine on a regular basis. Jess sighed, then cursed himself inwardly for letting his frustration show.

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Jess waited for Mallory in the living room while she tucked Darius into bed and read him part of the chapter book they were making their way through. Jess was looking forward to his nightly one-on-one time with his wife. He wasn't sure what it said about him as a parent that his favorite time of the day was after Darius had gone to sleep, but he was pretty sure it wasn't anything good. Jess had learned early on that it unsettled Darius to have him around at bedtime, in his room, tucking him in, even with Mallory present. Even as progress had been made in other areas, Darius had remained extremely ill at ease with having Jess intrude on his bedtime rituals. Mallory worried that Darius may have been abused sexually as well as physically, even though there was no record of it in his DCFS file, and discussed her concerns with Dr. Daniels, but so far no support had turned up during his sessions to support her concern. Jess tried not to take it personally, told himself that he would grow on the kid, that things would change and Darius would eventually feel safe with him. He also knew that Darius's life was stressful enough and he wanted the boy to have a relaxing bedtime routine and get a good night's sleep, even if it meant Jess getting left out. He was an adult. He could deal with it. Plus, it gave him a few minutes to himself, time with his thoughts, something that he didn't always feel like he got enough of now, even without a new baby.

Jess's mind went to the baby, to the concern that he would light up for the baby in a way that he didn't for Darius, the way Luke had naturally lit up when he had shared the news with him the night before. He knew he needed to work harder at being better, more present for Darius. He obeyed all the rules and followed all the advice for dealing with a traumatized foster child, and there was no shortage of it aimed his way as he took in information from Dr. Daniels, the equine therapist, the DMH therapist, as well as Jeremy and Mallory, on a regular basis. That traumatized children often become oppositional in order to cope with their pain. That a traumatized child needs to be met with patience, waited out, until he trusts an adult to be there for him, to be in his life for good. Sometimes he felt like the only non-child-expert in Darius's life. And, one or two missteps aside, Jess was calm and gentle with the boy, putting the child's needs and comfort first. But, he knew that wasn't enough to be a good parent. He wasn't sure it was love. He had expected loving a new eight-year-old foster child to come quicker and easier than loving the almost eighteen year old he had fostered seven years ago, since the kid in Jess's imagination had been young and malleable and just adorably small and helpless. He had pictured lots of physical affection, getting greeted by a small person excited to see him when he walked in the door after work, the child not being too self-conscious to seek out hugs as Jeremy had been in the beginning. He had pictured them sharing quiet moments together, cuddled up with a book, cracking the kid up with his lame jokes, surprising Mallory with breakfast in bed on Mother's Day, and throwing a ball around outside with both his kids, all while a strong parent-child bond organically developed between him and his new son. But, the reality had proven very different from his mental image. There were more uncontrollable meltdowns, more intense anger, more suspicion, more being sworn at, more acting out at school, parent teacher conferences, therapy sessions, the littlest things Jess said or did setting the kid off into a rage, having to walk out of public places when Darius lashed out uncontrollably, creating a scene over some perceived slight or threat. More work, more effort every day than Jess could have imagined he was capable of and still felt unsure he could sustain.

Darius had been the first adoptable child placed with them. The rest of the children they fostered had been short-term placements as the children's parents went through drug rehab, counseling, or parenting classes, carved out lives away from abusive men, served time in jail, provided positive drug tests or otherwise achieved the results required by DCFS for reunification. It had always felt less stressful to Jess, to see these placements as discrete projects to finish, providing stability while helping the child progress toward goals established by DCFS, helping a toddler reach his developmental milestones, or driving a baby to visit her mother in rehab to help them maintain a family connection, and knowing each child would be handed back to his or her own parents in the end. The onus had been on providing loving care as opposed to actually loving the child. Every time they received a call for a new placement, Jess felt anticipation about the new arrival, but he also felt a swell of relief every time they handed a child back to the social worker, as in _whew! here you go! we managed to keep another one alive and hopefully didn't fuck him up too much or add to his already substantial emotional damage_. _bye now!_

When Ranesha had told them about Darius, that he would be the first adoptable child in their care, Mallory had shone with excitement and Jess had smiled to hide the seed of stress that had embedded itself in his gut at the thought of forever. They had learned that Darius's parents' rights had been terminated a year earlier to prepare for an adoption that had been disrupted at the last minute, leaving the boy a legal orphan. Jess's mind had gone back to Jeremy sitting across from him late one night at their kitchen table in Philly telling him about all the foster homes he had lived in. Homes where the parents had been nice enough people, but who just hadn't wanted to be his forever family, who had seen him as a wrong fit, somehow inadequate or lacking in some quality that they wanted in their son, and who had shuffled him on to the next placement feeling that much worse about himself. Jess's heart hurt at the memory. Before the social worker arrived with Darius, Jess and Mallory had discussed how to approach this new situation. Mallory was excited about the idea of adopting, of having a child they could keep and love forever. Giving up the children they fostered had always been harder on her. They could still keep one bedroom for fostering so that they could help other kids, she'd said. Jess hadn't been as sold on the idea of permanency in and of itself, but one thing he had wanted them to agree on was that they would adopt this child if he asked them to, or told the social worker that he wanted them to when she checked in on how he felt about it. Jess had choked up during the conversation, explaining that he couldn't deal with hurting or rejecting a child who wanted them for parents the way so many people had hurt and rejected Jeremy before he had come into Jess's life, making him feel like he wasn't good enough, that there was something wrong with him on such a basic level that he was unworthy of being part of a family. Mallory had hugged him, telling him that she loved him so much, and that she agreed, the idea of rejecting a kid who wanted them to adopt him or her was too upsetting. Plus she had reasoned, most people didn't get to choose their kids, you got what you got, you made a commitment and you dealt with shit the best you could. They would be no different.

Jess knew that Mallory had fallen in love with Darius fairly quickly. He probably would have, too, in her shoes. Darius was more open to her, more cuddly and emotionally needy. He still acted up and melted down around Mallory, but to a lesser extent than he did with Jess, and he was certainly less hostile to her. Jess wasn't sure if he was there yet, if the sense of responsibility and protectiveness he felt toward Darius was in any way connected to love, and he worried about that, about whether Darius could tell he was faking.

His mind went to the small, quiet moment two months into the boy's placement, when they had walked into the house from the car after having taken Darius to lunch at the diner followed by a movie. The day had gone exceptionally well, with no real meltdowns or tantrums to speak of, just a normal family spending a normal day together. The boy, sleepy from the car ride, sated from his fill of popcorn and cartoon animals, had given Jess the rare gift of holding _both_ their hands as they walked up to their front door, telling them that this was the best place he had ever lived, that he wanted to stay here forever, asking in a small, heart-string-tugging voice, if they were going to adopt him, or if it was going to be like the last place and he would get sent away. In a second, Mallory had been crouched down in front of the child, holding one of his hands in both of hers, speaking for them both, delivering the response they had planned, without allowing a second for feelings of rejection to surface, telling the boy that they loved him, they loved having him with them so much, and they would love to adopt him and be his mom and dad forever. Jess could still see Darius's face in the moment before he flung himself at Mallory, the vulnerability and relief in his eyes, the innocent smile blooming on his face, the miracle he was watching as two former strangers held tightly to each other. Jess's own smile had felt plastered on in comparison as he did his best to not look caught off guard, stepping toward his family, not wanting to push things and ruin the moment by going for his first hug, but wrapping one arm around his wife as she stood back up to meet him, the boy's legs automatically wrapping around her waist to bear his weight, Jess daring to reach out to rub a hand lightly up and down Darius's back, relishing the feel of the boy's warm body through his thin hoodie, wondering if the kid would snap and pull away from him. And now Jess was here, feeling much like he had the first time around, with an agreement to adopt being arranged without the accompanying feelings of love and attachment.

Jeremy had known early on that Jess hadn't loved him, back when Jess had first offered to adopt the boy, but that felt different. Jeremy had been almost an adult and had been willing to accept Jess as a dad even without that bond, and then it had grown overtime, his love for that kid becoming so incredibly strong that it still sometimes felt shocking to Jess that he hadn't had the boy forever, and by the time the adoption had taken place, two months after the boy's eighteenth birthday, there hadn't been anything Jess had wanted more than being Jeremy's dad. The leap of faith had paid off then, and he did his best to have faith it would pay off the same way this time. He knew how he felt wasn't unusual. He had stayed up late one night on his laptop pouring over adoptive parent message boards where he had learned that many parents who initially felt the way he did went on to develop meaningful and loving bonds with their adopted children. That it usually just took time. That love at first sight was bullshit. He trusted that he hadn't used up all his love with Jeremy. That over time he would fall in love with Darius, and his relationship with his newest son would be just as strong as his relationship with Jeremy. But, then again, Jeremy had never kicked him in the face and told him he hated him. Jess snorted out a tired laugh and tried to get himself in a better frame of mind as he waited for Mallory.

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Jeremy had a pretty good idea what Jess wanted to talk about and he wanted no part of it. But, he hadn't felt like he could say no when Jess had come by the diner earlier asking him if they could take a walk after Jeremy's shift ended, not with Jess looking so happy to see him, or Luke looking on so encouragingly. Jeremy hadn't been able to bring himself to disappoint either of them. So, now he was clearing the last few tables from the lunch rush while Jess sat at the counter reading a book and waiting patiently.

He knew this was going to be about work again. About what had happened. About what he was going to do, how he was feeling and coping. As much as Jeremy appreciated the love and concern behind the questions, he didn't want to talk about it anymore. He really thought Jess had gotten the message the last time the man had brought up Homes of Hope, the foster family agency where Jeremy worked. Or used to work. Or…...Jeremy sighed. He still didn't know what he should do. The director hadn't reached out to him in over a week and he figured that was a bad sign. He was trying to take some space and listen to his heart, like Maxine had advised him, to make the most honest decision he could, but he didn't feel like he was making any progress.

If anything, he thought as he stacked dirty plates into the bus tray, he felt like he was regressing. Here he was, a twenty-five year old college graduate, back to working at his uncle's diner. Part of him felt pathetic at working the same job he had held as a high school student, but part of him felt safe here, working with Luke, feeling like he wouldn't mess up or inadvertently damage someone. Unlike at the foster family agency.

Jeremy had taken the job right out of college and spent three years as a social worker at Homes of Hope. Some days had been harder than others. Some days had been downright torturous, listening to kids in foster care cry about missing their parents, watching them act out in alienating ways to deal with past trauma, and the never ending emotional assault of learning their stories, of the neglect and abuse they had suffered at the hands of adults who ranged from thoughtless to depraved, who all should have done better and been better for their children. Jeremy had dealt with all of it the best he could, sometimes crying alone in bed at night, or tearing up as he told Harrison or Jess about a particularly hard day. But, he had always been able to hold it together at work, to focus on what he could do for a child instead of dwelling on what wrongs had been done to that child in a past he had no way to fix. Then everything had changed.

One day, Jeremy had broken down in front of a group of prospective foster parents, at a training class he was co-teaching with another social worker. They had dimmed the lights to play the same video they showed to every class, one he had seen hundreds of times, the one that ended with testimonials from young adults who had been adopted as well as those who had aged out alone. Kayla had flicked on the lights and Jeremy had gotten up to give the same spiel he always delivered after the video, the one about his own time in foster care and his own adoption story, to really drive home the reality of how huge and lasting a difference each person in the class had the potential to make in a child's life. Jeremy had felt a little off as he faced the class, watching a couple of people wipe at their eyes from the impact of the video. Jeremy had opened his mouth to talk, but nothing had come out. Then to his horror, he had felt silent tears streaking down his face in earnest. He had rushed out of the classroom and Kayla had found him a few minutes later, bent over the sink in the men's room, dry heaving and splashing water on his face. He had been called in to meet with the agency director to discuss what happened. He had assured Maxine he was fine, just having a really off day and had been especially triggered by the video. She had given him the name of a therapist who specialized in treating people in care taking professions. She had also told him to take a couple of days off.

Jeremy had worked with the therapist and checked in with Maxine once a week at work, assuring her that he was fine and wanted to continue at his job. Things went back to normal. Maxine backed off a little and the other social workers stopped looking at him like he was a fragile child to be pitied. Then something so much worse happened. Jeremy had been paired with Ranesha for an intake interview at one of the therapeutic group homes that Homes of Hope oversaw. The new arrival was a fifteen year old boy who had run away from home to avoid an abusive stepfather and ended up on the street where he had been preyed upon and sexually trafficked. Midway through recounting the worst parts of his story, the boy had paused and turned to Jeremy, looking at him funny, _hey, are you ok?_ Ranesha turned to stare at him as well, her expression shifting from concern for their client to barely concealed impatience and annoyance toward Jeremy. Until the question, Jeremy hadn't realized he had tears running down his face. He had felt a surge of anxiety and quickly excused himself, hurrying from the room. Before he closed the door behind him, he heard the boy apologize to Ranesha, his voice quiet and defeated, _I'm really sorry if I grossed him out, _and in that moment Jeremy hated himself. He felt a wave of guilt and self-loathing at the memory of making a damaged teenage boy talking about his past rapes so uncomfortable that he felt he needed to check in on Jeremy and worry about whether the trauma he had lived through had disgusted his social worker. The primary philosophy that Jeremy clung to as a social worker was to not do any harm. Even in a moment or circumstance when he was unable to give someone real help, he could always at the very least, not do any harm or make things worse. And, now he couldn't even be trusted to do that.

Everything had been worse this time around, the guilt Jeremy felt over somehow making this kid's trauma about him, the concern from his colleagues, and his meeting with Maxine. She told him to take at least a month away to really reflect on whether this job was a good fit for him. She hadn't been unkind, on the contrary, she had talked to him kindly, gently, about the high turnover and burnout rate among child welfare workers, how she understood that the challenges of what they dealt with every day could be more upsetting and triggering to someone who had experienced foster care as a child, how he needed to be honest with himself as to whether this was the best place for him to be and whether his being here was the best thing for the kids they worked with. That had been three weeks ago, and Jeremy had been back at the diner ever since, vacillating between seriously contemplating his future and blocking out the entire humiliating experience. The last thing he wanted to do right now, was discuss this with Jess, again. He didn't have anything new to report on where he was in terms of a decision and he doubted Jess had any wisdom to impart, not about this.

Jeremy knew if he was being honest with himself, what had happened at work was linked to what happened shortly prior to his first breakdown. Jeremy could still barely be around Mallory without feeling like he was going to lose it. It was all still so painful to think about. Some things just felt like too much. Just remembering it made Jeremy feel queasy. Dr. Howard driving home from a late night at work. A car accident on a lonely stretch of road outside Stars Hollow, a young driver taking the turns too fast, a car overturned, four terrified teenagers trapped inside while the undercarriage burned. Dr. Howard and a young off-duty police officer stopping to help, breaking a window and pulling two of the teenagers to safety before the car exploded. Dr. Howard lying in ICU for over forty-eight hours, burns all over, kept unconscious with a constant morphine drip for the pain. Mallory staying at the hospital, not sleeping, Jess holding her hand. Mallory's brother and sister-in-law down from Boston, joining Mallory in her vigil. Jeremy barely able to be in the room, Dr. Howard's condition and Mallory's grief too overpowering, volunteering to stay at their house with Darius as an excuse to stay away. Passing the police officer as she came out of the ladies room in the hospital lobby eyes red and wet, after she had visited Dr. Howard and told Mallory that she was the daughter of a hero. And, the other Dr. Howard, the unbearable grief born of a lifetime of love and partnership. It had all been too much for Jeremy, even as the peripheral character he had been in Dr. Howard's story. It had all felt like too much for him, and he was ashamed of that, when Mallory was the one who had lost her mother in one of the worst ways Jeremy could imagine dying.

The experience had torn something open in Jeremy, set him off on a month's worth of sleepless nights, brought his emotions closer to the surface. Hit him with a bout of depression that left him feeling weak and pathetic in the face of how well Mallory carried on, a little subdued, but still taking care of Darius and finishing out the school year after the couple of weeks she took off work. Evelyn wasn't his mother, wasn't even _really_ his grandmother, though she had claimed him as a grandchild as soon as Jess and Mallory had married. He could still remember her including him in the family trip to Seoul that she had taken them all on shortly after the wedding, insisting Jeremy come along, that she was the last of her sisters to have grandchildren and she wanted to show off her handsome new grandson, assuring him he had lots of cousins there his age so he didn't need to worry about being stuck with the old people the whole time. Jeremy could still remember the first time he had met her, by the side of the road not too far from the site of the car accident, when he had fallen off his bike and cried like an idiot as she had gotten out of her car with her medical bag to tend to him, thinking the tears meant injury, crouched in front of him with her shiny black hair and kind eyes. He could see his own recognition mirrored in her face the first time he had gone to her home for dinner with Jess and Mallory, how she had respected his privacy and allowed herself to be introduced to him for the first time, only later when Jeremy was helping her in the kitchen alone had she told him that it was good to see him again, that she enjoyed seeing him smiling this time. Evelyn had been a good person, a kind person, who had deserved so much better than this. He couldn't get the thought of her suffering, or Mallory's, out of his mind. Jeremy was also aware that some of his depression was selfish, ignited by the reminder that anyone, anywhere, no matter how loved or needed, could have his or her life snuffed out in an instant, in the most horrific of ways. Everything felt so futile and awful. A flood gate of emotion had opened inside Jeremy, bringing all his old anxiety and depression rushing to the surface, and some days it didn't feel like he would ever feel ok again.

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"I think the last time you and I went for a walk like this, just the two of us, we had Winston with us." Jess said.

Jeremy thought about Winston, part of him still feeling sad at the memory of losing one of the creatures he had loved most in his life. "Do you think you guys will ever get another dog? A little buddy for Darius."

"I think about it. Mallory and I have talked about it. She's on board with a dog in general, but we think we should wait until Darius gets a better handle on his impulse control and stops lashing out so much. I wouldn't want him to accidentally hurt an animal, and have to live with that guilt." Jess felt bad admitting his concerns, but they were real, and even though he had read studies about pets having a calming effect on children, the mental picture of an irate Darius losing it and lashing out verbally or physically at a sweet, eager to please little furball like Winston felt like too big of a risk to take. Jess may have signed up for Darius's abuse, but a dog shouldn't have to. "Maybe in a year or two when Darius is older and has calmed down a bit".

"I guess that makes sense." Jeremy reflected on Jess not trusting Darius with a dog. It wasn't that he thought Jess was wrong for the time being, but the thought made him sad nonetheless, that Darius had been through so much in his short little life that he couldn't be trusted to not hurt something small and defenseless. "You really don't think we've walked anywhere together since Winston?"

"Hmm." Jess considered this. "We've walked _to_ places since then, and we've walked with Mallory and Darius, or Luke, but I don't think we've just walked around like this, just me and you, walking aimlessly, just for the sake of walking. I really think the last time we did this we had Winston with us."

"Ok. I'll give you that." It was a warm day, but there was a gentle breeze keeping it from being as stifling hot as it could have been in August. Jeremy had to admit it was a nice summer afternoon for a walk. "Although, I'd like to clarify that I'm not walking just for the sake of walking. I'm walking to humor my dad." He turned toward Jess, his face serious. "I'm still not ready to talk about it, Jess. I have nothing to add to the conversations we've already had. I'm still torn about what to do and I feel even more pressured when you bring it up. It doesn't help."

"Oh, hey." Jess gave Jeremy a concerned look. "I know, I get that. I'm not trying to pressure you. That's not why I wanted us to take a walk."

"It's not?" Jeremy felt skeptical and was sure it showed on his face.

"Absolutely not. I heard you loud and clear about needing space the last time we talked about it. I get that it's something you need to figure out on your own. If there's anything I can do, I'm always here to help, or just listen if I can't help."

Jeremy nodded. "I know you are. I appreciate that. I'll let you know if I need to talk."

"Ok. Understood. Again, just to clarify, I understood that after our last conversation and I respected your wishes, hence my not having brought the topic up since."

Jeremy smiled. "Ok, ok. You're great. You listen and respect my wishes. Sorry for jumping to conclusions."

"Huh." Jess feigned serious consideration. "I suppose I accept."

Jeremy huffed out a soft laugh. "So, if you don't want to badger me about what I'm doing with my life, what did you want to talk to me about? And, just so you know, if you say nothing, that you just wanted the joy of my company on a walk, I'm going to know you're full of shit and that you really _did_ want to badger me about what I'm doing with my life."

"That's the way you talk to your dad, huh? Where did I go wrong with you, kid?" Jess shook his head slowly from side to side.

Jeremy smirked. "I don't know. Jury's still out on that one." Jeremy laughed as Jess cocked an eyebrow in feigned disbelief. "So, c'mon. What did you want to talk to me about?" Jeremy had the fleeting thought that Jess might have asked him out here to lay into him about not coming by the house as much as he used to, that maybe he was offending Mallory with his absence, or not spending as much time with Darius as Jess wanted him to. He kept waiting for being around Mallory to feel less painful, but he didn't want to upset her more by pulling away either.

"Well, I have some news that I wanted to share with you." Jess felt tentative now that the moment was here. He suspected this wouldn't be as easy a conversation as it had been with Luke, but he wasn't sure if his trepidation was due to Jeremy's feelings or his own projection. "Or, I guess Mallory and I have some news, or really, our whole little family has some news, since this affects all of us. You, me, Mallory, Darius…" Jeremy eyed him quizzically, and Jess went for it. "We're having a baby."

Jeremy felt a strong surge of something in his chest, at first unable to discern whether his gut reaction was positive or negative, until the initial feeling passed and he was left with the very identifiable feelings of joy and love. "Oh, wow! Congratulations, Dad!" Jeremy moved toward Jess and wrapped his arms around his neck in an enthusiastic hug. Jess hugged back, soaking up the feeling of his son in his arms, grateful that Jeremy still hugged him so uninhibitedly, like a little kid, and that at least one of his kids sought out his touch. He let Jeremy pull back first. "That's amazing. Were you guys trying? I didn't realize you were trying."

Jess half shrugged. "I didn't realize we were either, but we weren't actively trying to dissuade conception, so I guess that equates to-"

"Stop!" Jeremy held a hand up, palm out. "Sorry, I asked! I really don't want to know anything about your birth control routine, or lack thereof."

"Hey, not cool, my friend." Jess scolded playfully. "I'm always open to hearing all the details of _your_ birth control routine. I love knowing that you have one in place, because I'm still too young and good looking to be a grandpa."

Jeremy laughed. "Yeah, well you can rest easy knowing that my current birth control is a hundred percent effective. It's hard to knock someone up when I'm the only one in the room during sex."

Jess felt a twinge of pity in his heart for his son, then felt guilty for it. The boy hadn't dated anyone since a year out of college, but Jess himself hadn't had a single worthwhile relationship between Rory in high school and Charisse in his late twenties, and things still turned out fine for him in the long run, so who was he to judge? For some people it just took longer to get that part of their life together. "Oh, so you can make jokes about jerking off, but I can't mention conception. I see how it is. Completely unfair."

"Yep, you got it." Jeremy interjected, laughing as he patted Jess on the shoulder. "No one said being a parent was fair."

Jess laughed. "All right, smart guy. I will give you no further details on where babies come from. You'll just have to pick that up on the street."

Jeremy laughed again before his expression sobered. He turned to face Jess. "You're still going through with the adoption, right? I mean, you guys are still keeping Darius?"

Jess sighed. "Jeez, kid." He infused extra playfulness into his voice to cover the hurt. "No trust, even after all this time, huh? You wound me."

"You are though, right?"

Jess's expression turned serious, his voice stern. "Jeremy, do you really think I would turn my back on a kid I promised to adopt because we're having a baby? I still remember the story you told me about the foster parents who sent you back when they found out they were pregnant, and how much that hurt you. I would never do that to Darius, or any other kid. How about you give me a little credit here, son? Maybe trust me to not be a complete dick."

Jess watched Jeremy have the decency to blush a light pink. "Sorry. That was a shitty thing to ask. Of course I trust you. I just…...I don't know, wanted to confirm, I guess." Jeremy pushed a stray piece of hair behind his ear. "I'm sorry, Dad, really."

Jess's face softened. He reached out a hand and lightly cupped the back of his son's neck, shaking him slightly. "It's ok, kid. You're lucky I love you so much." Jess smirked, his eyes crinkling at the corners, as he pulled his hand back. Jeremy could tell that whatever followed was going to be pure nonsense. "But, hey, in your defense it wasn't a completely irrelevant question. Mallory and I _do_ only want two kids, so if we're going to keep Darius _and_ have the baby, I'm afraid I'm going to have to go ahead and disrupt your adoption. But, hey, we had a good run, you and me! No hard feelings, 'k?" Jess held out his hand to shake, his expression exaggeratedly bright and cheerful.

Jeremy laughed and pushed his arm away with his hand. "You're so ridiculous."

Jess wrapped an arm around Jeremy's shoulders and pulled him toward him, cupping the side of his head to tilt it down so he could land a kiss on top. "I love you so much."

"I know. I know." Jeremy humored him.

"I cannot imagine my life without you in it. And, I'm so happy to be able to give you, you and Darius both, another brother or a sister."

Jeremy sighed. "I love you, too." He snaked an arm around Jess's back and patted him on the side twice before extricating himself from his father's hold. "You told Luke before me, didn't you?"

"What?" Jess feigned shock and offense. "Why, I would never-"

"Yeah, you did. I can tell. He was walking around all day with his 'happy families' grin on his face."

Jess smiled. "His 'happy families' grin?"

"Yup. The one he wears when he gets you, April and Doula together in the same place, or when Rory and Leelee come in from New York without Logan, or when you and Lorelai or you and Liz get along for more than five minutes at a time. He had it plastered on all day at work. I knew something was up."

"Aren't you a smarty pants?" Jess studied Jeremy carefully, trying to read the boy's expression. "Are you mad that I didn't tell you first? I wanted to, but I figured Luke would be easier, like a nice warm up for the main event. I was worried about…..upsetting you with my news when you're already going through stuff of your own….."

"Why would I be mad? Because you're having a little Jess Jr. to replace me?" Jeremy smiled.

"Something like that, I suppose."

"I'm ok. I think it's pretty cool."

"You do?"

"Yeah, of course. I'll admit that things are a little…..not so great for me right now, but that doesn't have anything to do with this. I'm happy for you guys. Really happy. And, babies are pretty great. I think it'll be fun to have a baby around. And, hey, maybe I'll get one sibling that actually likes me." Jeremy joked, thinking back to an early encounter with Darius, when the boy had lost it on him for inadvertently moving his spiderman figurines, calling him an asshole along with a host of graphically homophobic slurs that Jeremy would have been shocked to hear from an eight year old if he hadn't spent the past three years working in child welfare with children old before their time. Jeremy had watched silently as Mallory had taken Darius in the other room to calm down, walking him back in later to deliver a one word apology aimed at the floor at his feet. Jeremy understood the boy's outbursts weren't anything personal, that they were an attempt to exert limited control over his circumstances, but when Jeremy had registered the clear satisfaction on the boy's face when he realized his insults had affected him, he had had the unshakable feeling that if he and Darius had gone through the system together and lived in the same group home, Darius would have been one of the boys who bullied him. He knew better than to hold Darius's outburst against him, but every once in a while, he thought about that look in the boy's eyes.

"Stop. Darius likes you. He's just…..not good with men. You know that. I think you guys just need to spend more time together and bond a little more." Jess said. "Hey, tomorrow I'm taking him to the children's museum in Woodbury. Mallory's going to spend some time with her dad, but Harrison said he would join us. You want to come, too?"

"You invited Harrison before you invited me?" Jeremy kept his voice light even though he felt slightly offended. "You do remember that I'm his actual brother and your son, right?"

"Huh, so that's why you look so familiar. I knew I'd seen you around somewhere." Jess's voice was playful, teasing. "Aren't you also the kid who gave me a long, painful lecture when we first decided to adopt Darius? You remember, right? When you told me that Darius was younger and more impressionable than you were and that he wouldn't appreciate my charming wit so I couldn't make the same 'go fetch me a belt' or 'get over here so I can smack you around' jokes that I used on you when you were being a little shit? And wasn't it you who went over transracial adoption one oh one and made me promise to find Darius a black role model, make sure he made black friends, and buy him black action figures _and_ black dolls just to cover all the bases in case that's what he preferred? Was that you, or just some other little punk kid with the same floppy haircut?"

Jeremy scowled, then laughed. "Yeah, fine. It's good that you guys are hanging out with Harrison. I guess I just didn't expect him to take higher priority than me."

"Stop. No one takes higher priority than you, my dramatic little boy. I ran into Harrison this morning at the gym, so I asked him. I was planning to ask you, too, I just saw him first. From where I see it, Harrison's the perfect role model. He's black. He's a former foster kid. And, he's made good. He ticks all the boxes."

"Hmmph. I tick two." Jeremy wondered if being between jobs, back at the diner, unsure of his next steps could really qualify him as having 'made good'. "Well, I tick the former foster kid box, at least."

Jess let the boy's self-deprecating assessment slide. "You tick the most important box as a member of his forever family, but I do think it's good for Darius to see a black man who's been through the same things he's going through and who went to college and made something of himself. As Darius's brother, I'm thinking your relationship will develop organically, but yeah, I'm making an effort to push Darius and Harrison together a little. And, Harrison's good with him, and he seems onboard with the whole big brother concept, so-"

"Again, _I'm_ his big brother." Jeremy's tone was teasing. "I can draw you a genogram if it's helpful. Just sayin…."

Jess laughed. "I get that. I _meant_ more in the big-brother big-sister program type of way, like a mentor. Darius doesn't like all that many men, I'm not even sure he likes me half the time, but he seems ok with Harrison." Jess shrugged. "I think connecting him to Harrison is at least one thing that I can do right for the kid."

"Hmm…." Jeremy smirked. "I can't tell if you're selling yourself short or just shamelessly fishing for compliments. You tend to do both in pretty equal measure."

"Hey, Jeremy." Jess extended a hand toward his oldest son, curling his fingers in a 'come here' motion. "How about you come a little closer so I can smack you around?"

Jeremy laughed and veered away, giving Jess wide berth. "You're ridiculous."

Jess smiled as he watched the pleased smile on his son's face. "So, you keep telling me." He closed the gap between himself and his son and wrapped an arm around the boy's shoulders, gently pulling him toward his side. "I'm having a baby."

Jeremy nodded. "Yeah, you are."

"That's so crazy."

Jeremy huffed out a laugh. "It is, for sure."

"I didn't intend for it to go like this, you know."

"I know, but it'll be great." Jeremy believed that. In this moment with Jess, it felt like everything was going to be ok. With the baby. With Darius. With Mallory. With his own fucked up career. He had someone, multiple someones, to love him through whatever happened. So did Mallory and Darius and Jess. So would the baby. Jeremy felt lighter and more positive than he had since his most recent meltdown at work.

"I'm still working on wrapping my head around it." Jess admitted. "I'm nervous. When I got you, you were already pretty great, but a baby's a clean slate. Any scarring for life is going to be my fault. I don't know if I can handle that kind of pressure."

Jeremy reached up and patted the hand on his shoulder. "You'll be great, Dad. This baby won't know how lucky it is to have you as a parent from the start. But, I'll be there to remind them, whenever they're giving you all kinds of shit and complaining about what a jerk you are." Jeremy huffed out a soft laugh. "I've got your back."

Jess grinned, giving the boy's shoulders an affectionate squeeze. "Aww, that right there, kid, is why you'll always be my favorite child."

"Jess!" Jeremy laughingly scolded as he pulled out of Jess's hold to face him. "You _really_ can't make that joke anymore. You _do_ know that, right? Please tell me you know that."

"You've certainly got a lot of rules." Jess's voice was playful. "And, don't worry, it's fine because I plan on telling all my kids they're my favorite. Build some self-confidence where I can." Jess feigned enlightenment. "Or, even better, maybe I should tell each of you that you're my _least_ favorite. Foster a little healthy competition for Daddy's love. What do you think?"

Jess smirked and Jeremy laughed. "If I thought you were serious, I'd be very concerned."

"Hey, I'm always serious." Jess's tone belied his words.

Jeremy huffed out a quiet laugh. "Have I told you how ridiculous you are?"

"Huh." Jess considered this. "You may have mentioned it a few times over the years." He reached out to gently cup the back of Jeremy's neck, finding it difficult to keep his hands off his son today. He didn't know whether it was his own emotional state from knowing he had a baby on the way or that his soon-to-be-adopted son barely let him touch him, but Jess felt the urge to get in as much physical contact with his oldest child as he could. "I love you so much, kid. Have _I_ told _you_ that?"

Jeremy aimed a small smile at the ground in front of his feet. "I'm pretty sure you have. I love you, too."

"You'll always be my first little boy. I'm still allowed to say that, aren't I?"

"I suppose that's fair. I guess I should get some credit for being your first child, since I basically trained you as a dad."

Jess laughed and released the boy's neck. "Yeah, you did. Darius and little Jess Jr. owe you for that. I'll be sure to let them know that they have you to thank for anything I do even halfway decently for them as a parent."

Jeremy shook his head slowly, his gaze straight ahead, on the quaint homes and green trees lining the street, thinking how amazingly lucky this new child will be, to grow up in a place like this, with parents like Jess and Mallory. "You're selling yourself short again. I think you knew how to be a good dad and make someone feel loved before I came along. I think Luke might have had more to do with that than I did. I just gave you practice."

"Huh. Well, I guess practice makes perfect."

Jeremy scoffed lightly. "Oh, yeah? You're a perfect dad now?"

Jess grinned. "Aw, son, you say the sweetest things! Stop, before you make me blush!"

Jeremy made a noise somewhere between a laugh and a snort, then turned serious. "Hey, do you think Mallory would mind if I came over tonight to hang out with you guys and Darius?"

Jess was looking at him, first with surprise and then with a warm smile. "Jeremy, you're my child. You're always welcome in our home. You never have to ask or wait for an invitation. I hope you know that. And, Mallory loves you very much. I hope you know that, too. She'd love it if you came by."

Jess thought back to lying in bed with Mallory a couple of hours after she'd told him about the baby. Her voice more tentative than Jess was used to in the dark as she asked what he thought Jeremy would think about her asking to adopt him when they adopted Darius, tearing up as she explained that she loved him like he was hers anyway and she didn't want him to feel excluded, not even a little bit, as the only one of their children to technically not have a mother, to be a kind of half-brother to Darius and the new baby. Jess had told her that he loved her so much, that he appreciated how good she had always been to his son, that he knew Jeremy loved her very much, and that he thought his son would love to officially belong to her, too. He had wrapped himself up in Mallory, and held onto her long after she had fallen asleep, feeling terribly grateful for Mallory's generosity toward Jeremy and her constant consideration for the boy's feelings.

Jeremy nodded his head. "Thanks. I know I haven't come around as much as I should have lately…..It's not that I don't love her, too…..I do…..it's just…..." He wanted to say it was hard, but felt too embarrassed to admit to what he saw as such a profound weakness.

"It's ok. She gets that what happened to Evelyn was hard for you, and that you're going through your own stuff right now. She's worried about you."

Jeremy frowned. "I should have been there for her more, though. The way she's always there for me."

"What are you talking about? You have been there for her. I remember coming home during my lunch break to check on her the first day I went back to work after the funeral and you were already there. You guys were sitting on the couch eating ice cream and watching old movies while Darius was at school. That meant a lot to her, you know. You spending your day off with her like that."

Jeremy frowned. "That was like one time. Then I kind of bailed when stuff..." He stopped himself from saying when stuff went to shit at work, not wanting to open the conversation to that topic. "When I couldn't deal with everything that happened. It just all felt like too much when I was around her."

"Well, I can say with certainty that she isn't holding it against you. If you want to be there for her, start coming around more. Come for dinner tonight. We can break out some Chutes and Ladders afterward. We would all love to see you more. But don't beat yourself up over the past, or stuff you can't change. That never leads anywhere good."

Jeremy nodded. "That's pretty wise advice."

"I have my moments." Jess smiled at his son.

"Can I just head over with you now?" Jeremy asked. "Maybe shower and change real quick back at the apartment first? I could pack a bag and stay over if that's all right?"

"That's more than all right, Jeremy. That sounds great. I'll head back with you and drive you over. I can talk to Luke while you get ready." It dawned on Jess that once the baby was born, all the rooms at his and Mallory's house would be full. It wasn't that Jeremy slept over often, mostly just on holidays or the handful of times over the years, like tonight, when Jeremy was feeling especially lonely and wanting to be close to his family, but it still left Jess feeling down-hearted at the idea of not holding a space in his home for his oldest child.

They changed course, heading back toward the diner. "Luke knows you're telling me about the baby right now, doesn't he?"

"I'm sure he suspects. Luke does seem to know pretty much everything that goes on around here. You can't keep a secret from that guy. Haven't you learned that yet?"

Jeremy huffed out a quiet laugh. "I really want to congratulate Mallory on the baby, and let her know how lucky this little person is going to be to have her for a mom."

"I think Mallory would love to hear that." Jess paused thinking about how he might soon be able to rephrase his references to Mallory, _I think your mom would love to hear that_. The idea of being able to give Jeremy a mother filled him with a private and overwhelming sense of joy and accomplishment. It's not as if Mallory hadn't been filling that role in Jeremy's life for years, but making it official was no small thing. He could remember how amazing it had been for him when he had stood up with Jeremy in court all those years ago, creating a permanent, legal bond to echo their emotional one. He smiled fondly as he watched his son, feeling that everything was going to be ok, maybe even better than ok. He didn't see how it couldn't be with so many loving, thoughtful people in his family and his life. He felt like a man who had been given far more than he deserved, but he wasn't about to complain.

Jess reached out a hand to gently squeeze his son's shoulder. "Jeremy, you are so loved. You know that, right, kid?"

Jeremy let out a breath, nodded his head. "Yeah, I do." It was the truth. It still felt amazing some days when he compared his life now to what it had been prior to meeting Jess, but he never doubted that he was loved, or that he had people who would be there for him no matter what. He still worried about a lot of things, but never about whether he was loved. He looked over toward Jess, felt the warm, dopey smile on his own face, the immense love and gratitude swelling inside him. "I hope you know how loved you are, too."


	21. Chapter 21 - In Other People's Heads

**Notes:** I haven't given up on this story entirely and still have a couple of one-shot ideas that involve an older Darius. I have been crazy-busy lately with work/school/internship so it will definitely take longer between posts. I started writing this the day after I posted the last chapter and it's taken me that long to get it finished! This is basically a peek into the minds of two of the supporting characters in this story whose POV we haven't seen in the past. I know it's a little different than what I've written in other chapters, but I just felt this strong need to tell at least a small snippet of their stories. Please let me know what you think. As always, thanks to everyone still reading this story and especially to the awesome and generous readers who continue to leave me reviews.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing but my own obsession with Gilmore Girls.

**Trigger Warnings:** Minor character death. Grief. Illness.

Mallory set her racket down on the bench and reached for her water bottle, smiling as she watched Jeremy wipe his face with a small towel. "You've gotten so much better since you first started playing with me. You may actually even beat me one day." Her smile turned into a smirk. "One day in the far, far off, super distant future, that is." Mallory had been feeling lower in energy since her mother died. Everything felt a little more tiring than it had before, her energy and optimism flagging quicker and easier. She knew it was more mental than physical because her energy was still there when she played tennis, which was the only thing that took her out of her head completely. There was something about focusing when she played sports that had always served as a form of meditation, keeping her centered and present, in the moment in a way that even yoga never really could. Plus, there was the added benefit of kicking her twenty-five year old stepson's ass. That was a nice confidence boost. She could feel herself smirking at the thought. If he would only let her and Jess treat him to tennis lessons, she was confident he could offer her some real competition, but he turned down every offer. She made a mental note to set a reminder in her phone for early December so she could remember in time for his birthday or Christmas to buy a gift certificate for lessons with a tennis pro. She'd had this thought in passing in prior years but always forgot about it entirely long before the holidays when temperatures dipped, snow covered the ground, life moved indoors for the winter, and tennis was the last thing on her mind. She knew it wasn't likely that she'd remember the mental note, her short term memory seemed shot lately and she could barely remember her to do's from one day to the next without setting herself a reminder, but she didn't want to take her phone out just yet. The tennis court was one of the few places that she really got away from everything else, and she wasn't ready to return to her life yet. She also wanted to stay present for Jeremy and not give the impression that she had already mentally moved on from their time together.

Mallory watched Jeremy laugh from over the top of her water bottle as she drank. Jeremy set down his own racket and popped the top off the empty plastic tube, dropping the yellow balls back in one by one. The boy shook his head slowly. "I don't know about that. I think I might need some serious practice before that happens. I felt like the whole second set you were practically standing still and making me run all over the court. Like you could have been calmly sipping a cup of coffee out there while I was knocking myself out just trying to keep the ball in play."

Mallory smiled. "I'm glad to hear that's how I looked, because I can promise you that's not how I felt. But, just wait a few months, until I'm huge and tired with feet so swollen they can barely fit into my sneakers. I bet you can beat me then." Part of Mallory wanted to use her pregnancy as an excuse to stop a lot of things, but not tennis, and two of her friends had both played into their eighth month so she knew it was possible to keep playing. Spending months in bed, or curled up on the couch with Netflix or the books on her current to read list sounded amazing. She knew none of it was realistic with an eight year old boy to take care of, but she fantasized about it sometimes. Quitting her job, dropping out of every role other than bonding with the little kidney-bean sized person growing inside her. The thought always left her feeling guilty. Made her feel like a terrible wife to Jess and an even worse mother to Darius and stepmother to Jeremy, even though the fantasy wasn't about avoiding them as much as it was about withdrawing into herself. She couldn't think about her baby without feeling broken hearted that her mother would never meet her child, and for one of the first times in her life, the idea of long term wallowing, hunkering down alone with her grief, felt scarily attractive to her. After having the thought, she usually overcompensated to assuage her guilt, baking homemade cookies, planning family excursions, smiling extra cheerfully, and spending time on the floor animatedly playing games with Darius, proving to herself she was still a good mother as she waited for the way she felt to pass.

Jeremy smiled. "Hmm…..I might actually have a shot, then." Jeremy took a long drink from his water bottle.

Mallory smiled at how happy her stepson seemed today. Playing tennis was one of her favorite things and she loved being able to share it with him. He hadn't played with her at all this summer, but he had said he would be happy to fill in when one of her friends had cancelled on her at the last minute today to stay home with her sick child. And, it was true that Jeremy hadn't beaten Mallory at singles yet, but his game was getting stronger. Mallory had played in high school and still played routinely and even though Jeremy was a reasonably athletic kid, she knew he had a ways to go before he was as skilled as she was. It didn't seem to bother him, though. He seemed to like playing with Mallory. He had asked her to teach him the year after he graduated from college, when he'd found himself with free time on his hands with the absence of homework for the first time in his life. And, she kind of liked that it was their bonding thing, the way he had baseball with Luke, and Scrabble with Jess.

Mallory had started playing less often when she and Jess had first started fostering, but she had returned to playing regularly since her mother died. She currently had a semi-regular doubles game with friends she'd met on a USTA team she had played on a few years back and she occasionally met up with one of her high school friends for singles. And, she was always willing to play with Jeremy.

"Thanks for playing with me today." She reached out and patted Jeremy on the shoulder, giving his upper arm a gentle squeeze before pulling her hand back. "I appreciate you filling in for Shannon like this." Mallory had been learning a lot about the therapeutic effect of touch from Darius's therapist and some days she felt like she couldn't keep her hands off anyone in her immediate family. She didn't want to overdo it, but she had started to take everyday moments with her traumatized son and stepson as opportunities to show them they were loved, especially Darius, who usually only accepted being touched by her.

"Sure. It was fun." Jeremy said. "I always like playing with you." Mallory studied Jeremy, taking in his flushed, happy expression. She knew that sports weren't Jess's thing, that her husband would rather do his sweating among strangers, indoors at the gym, but she didn't get it. It couldn't possibly feel as amazing as being out on a day like this, sweaty and satisfied after two full hours of getting out of your own head, losing yourself in chasing a ball around like a focused golden retriever. And, if she were Jess, she would think it was worth it to take up tennis or baseball just to see his son the way he was right now, floating on endorphins, carefree and in the moment in a way that felt hard to come by in other areas of life. "Maybe we could make it a regular thing before it gets too cold to play."

She was looking him in the eye now, smiling warmly at him, thinking about how much she lucked out with Jess having such a great kid. "I would love that, Jeremy. I'm thinking we could start bringing Darius sometimes, too. It would be great to have you with us for that. I want to start teaching him to play. What do you think? Would you be up for that? A little playing, a lot of glorified ball shagging?"

Mallory wanted Jeremy to spend more time with Darius, to bond with the boy as an older brother, but she hoped he wouldn't feel like she was forcing things. "Yeah, that sounds good. We could still play just me and you sometimes, too though, right?"

Mallory felt a grin spread across her face. "Yes. Absolutely. We can definitely still play just us sometimes." The smile remained on Mallory's face while she packed her racket and the can of balls into her bag and zipped it closed. "So, it was great having all of us together the other night when you came over, but I'm glad we're here alone today, because I have something I want to talk to you about."

Mallory watched Jeremy swallow, his expression suddenly the nervous one of a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar expecting to be reprimanded. It threw her off. "Jeremy-"

"Mallory, I'm sorry." Jeremy blurted the words fast, looking distraught as he cut her off.

"For what, Jeremy?" She spoke gently as she studied him.

"For not being better when you're going through so much. I'm sorry. It was just…..I don't know….I didn't know how to be around you. I'm so…...sad, so heartbroken for you, and I feel like I've been such a mess…... I'm sorry I haven't been around for you more. The way you're always there for me."

Mallory gave him a thoughtful look as she hoisted the strap of her tennis bag onto her shoulder. "Do you mind if we walk over to the pro shop? I think I need more that just this." She held up her now empty water bottle and shook it slightly. She hadn't expected this, but if this was where the conversation was going, she wanted more privacy for them to talk.

"Uh, yeah, sure." Jeremy looked like a deer in the headlights, but he shouldered his bag and fell into step beside her as they left the court. They exchanged pleasant good mornings with the four older men who were heading onto the court as they exited, and they started walking the long way around the block of tennis courts toward the small shed that served as the park's pro shop.

Mallory tried to collect her thoughts. She had been ready for one possibly difficult and emotional conversation but had had another one thrust upon her instead. It upset her to know that Jeremy thought she had been holding his lack of contact against him. She hadn't been. She knew how sensitive he was, that he was going through something hard at work even though she hadn't been given many details, and she could appreciate how much her mother's death had affected him. She knew Jess felt for her loss and would miss her mother in his own right as a fringe character in his life, and that Darius had not had the time or the emotional capacity to develop a meaningful relationship with her mother before she died, but Mallory had appreciated that Jeremy had grieved her mother's death with genuine emotion. She appreciated that he had cried at the funeral along with her, her dad, and her brother and sister-in-law. Even Lorelai and Liz had teared up appropriately. Mallory still felt a measure of guilt at the uncharitable thought that had flickered through her mind about Jess at the funeral, even as she stood by the grave with his arm around her. That there might be something missing in her husband, who had sat dry-eyed through the service and stood composed by her side, supporting her, doing all the right things to take care of her, but not really feeling her pain. She remembered wondering if Jess's poor relationship with Liz kept him from really understanding the magnitude of her loss or if he had used up his reserve of empathy on Jeremy and Darius and didn't have as much left for her. It's not that she wanted him to break down, but she had wanted to see some emotion from him. Even if Jess hadn't been moved over the loss of his mother-in-law from his own life, she had wanted him to show some emotion over the loss of her mother from hers. The thought left her feeling petty and childish. Jess was a good husband, a good father. And on most days, she was grateful for what she had with him, but that day she had felt alone. She knew the first thing her mom would have told her had she brought that complaint to her while she had been alive was that no one can be all things for you, no matter how much they love you or want to.

She thought about how to start, took a breath. "Jeremy, I want to make it clear that we aren't friends." And, then realized she had blown it when she saw Jeremy's face fall. She shook her head. "I'm sorry. That's _really_ not how I meant to say that. What I mean is, I know I'm not your actual parent, but I am your stepmother and nothing with the word 'mother' in the title is meant to be an equal relationship. That's just not how stuff works. You never need to worry about being there for me in the same way you feel that I'm there for you. Being there for you is a much bigger part of my job as a stepmom than it is yours as a stepkid."

"But, I'm not a kid-"

"Hey, don't interrupt your stepmother when she's talking!" Mallory kept her tone playful and was relieved to see Jeremy looking more relaxed. "I love you, Jeremy. I know you've been there for me as much as you were able to. I know you're sensitive. So am I. I know that what happened to my mom affected you deeply. I understand how empathetic you are. That you care about other people to the point that their pain hurts you, too. I think we're a lot alike that way. And, I know you're going through stuff of your own right now, that you're struggling with all the pain and trauma you deal with at work, the kind that triggers your own childhood pain and trauma." Mallory knew that child welfare was a tough profession. That many social workers burned out on all the trauma and abuse they were exposed to day in day out. She had a friend from college who had lasted less than a month at DCFS before deciding child welfare wasn't for her and gotten a job as a school social worker instead. Mallory had been concerned about Jeremy going into the field. Like her friend, Jeremy was prone to depressive episodes and was the kind of person who was deeply affected by other people's suffering, and on top of that, she knew he was likely to be exposed to personal emotional triggers of his own bad experiences in foster care. She had expected him to struggle with his career choice at some point, but she felt almost guilty that her mother's gruesome and unexpected death had been the catalyst for his current depressive state. "I get how the buildup of seeing the same horrible things, the same stories of abuse and neglect, over and over can take a toll on you and get to be too much. Child welfare is hard, Jeremy, even without a past like yours. I understand that between everything you see at work and the…...the way my mother died and what that must trigger for you….I get how it could all feel like too much. I get that you needed time to process. I never held that against you. I'm the one who should have been there for you more this summer, Jeremy-"

"No, Mallor-"

"Oh, would you look at that, I'm actually still talking!"

Mallory smirked and Jeremy huffed out a quiet laugh. "Sorry."

"I love you. I don't see you as having done anything wrong here, but I forgive you for whatever you feel like you did. Ok?"

Jeremy's eyes were damp as he nodded. "Ok. Thanks."

"You're welcome." She gave him a small smile, starting to feel a little nervous now that the moment was here. Jess had offered to do this with her, but she had insisted on doing it alone, wanting Jeremy's decision to be about her relationship with him only, without Jess smiling encouragingly at him. "But, that isn't what I wanted to talk about." She spotted a park bench a few feet away and angled her head toward it. "Do you mind if we sit down for a minute?"

"Sure." Mallory took in the look of apprehension on Jeremy's face. She smiled and gestured him toward the bench.

She waited until they were seated a couple of feet apart on the bench, facing each other. "I have something to ask you and I'm going to cut right to the chase. I hope it's going to prove to you that I'm not mad at you. Or disappointed in you. That the only thing I feel for you, now and always, is a tremendous amount of love." She took a steadying breath. "I don't want you to feel any pressure here, Jeremy. Whatever you want to do is ok. However you feel about this is the right answer. I need you to know that." Mallory watched excitement briefly flicker across Jeremy's face before he reigned it in and his expression returned to neutral. She wondered if he knew what was coming but was trying to keep his mind from going there, as if he didn't want to get his hopes up or let the disappointment register on his face if he was wrong. She felt a wave of relief. The idea felt so crazy after all this time, and she had worried that with Jeremy being twenty-five years old maybe it might not be a realistic thing for her to even want. That maybe she had missed her window of opportunity. What still made her feel guilty was how the idea hadn't occurred to her until Darius had come along, but all she could do was try to make up for that now. "I want to adopt you." Jeremy exhaled a long breath. "I love you so much, Jeremy. As much as I love Darius, as much as I love this baby. I love you like you're my son and I want you to be my son. I don't want our connection to each other to hinge on our relationships to Jess. I want to adopt you when Jess and I adopt Darius. I want you to be my son. I want us to be every bit each other's family, the same way we are with Jess and Darius and we will be with the baby. I want to be your mom. I know you had a mom when you were little and that you loved each other very much. I know I can't replace what you had with her, but I want to be your mom now and for the rest of your life, if you think you want one. I would love to be your mom." Mallory tried to read Jeremy's expression as she waited for his response. She heard a bird chirping from a tree above them. Heard a father impatiently call out to his daughter on a nearby court, _follow through with your swing, honey, it's like you're not even trying_, something that Mallory would forever associate with this moment, as she sat in tense silence wondering if she was about to be rejected, if bringing up Jeremy's mother had been a mistake even though she couldn't imagine asking what she had without first acknowledging that bond. Mallory watched Jeremy's eyes take on the teary shine that always preceded crying. She felt matching dampness in his own eyes, but didn't care. "So, what do you think?"

"I would love to be your son, Mallory. I just…..I mean, thank you for thinking of me like this, when you have so much else going on…..."

Mallory smiled hesitantly, unsure how to take that response. "Is that a yes? It feels like it could be a yes, but I want to be sure….."

Jeremy nodded his head repeatedly, as if unable to stop, a wide smile spreading across his face. "Yes. It's definitely a yes. I want to be your son. I would love to have you be my mom."

Mallory felt her face break into a grin and she leaned toward him, reaching up to throw her arms around his neck and pull him into a hug. Mallory thought of something Jeremy had told her once, that what struck him as the most amazing thing about having a family, since coming into Jess's life, was the power he now shared with every normal, loved person out there to make the people who cared about him happy. She hoped he realized how happy he was making her right now. "I'm so happy to hear that. I love you so much, Jeremy." She pulled back and looked at him. "I got so lucky that the man I married came with such a great kid. You've been accepting and welcoming to me since the beginning and I want you to know how much I appreciate that. How much I appreciate you."

Mallory watched her stepson's cheeks turn slightly pink at the praise and thought about how young and boyish it made him look. "You've been really nice to me, Mallory. This whole time. Even before Jess, back when you were just my counselor at school."

"You're easy to be nice to." Mallory wiped at her eyes. "You hadn't even been with Jess for a full year before we started dating. You had every reason to be a little shit to me, and push me away so that you could have him all to yourself. Lots of kids would have done that in your shoes, but you never did."

Jeremy shrugged. "I love Jess so much. I was so…..grateful to him for everything he's given me. I don't think there's anything I wouldn't have accepted if I knew it made him happy. And, I already knew you were pretty great from school….. I trusted that you'd be pretty great outside of school, too. And, you have been. And." Jeremy felt his voice waver slightly. "Now I have a mom, too."

Mallory grinned, her eyes still wet. "Yeah, you do."

Jeremy looked over toward the pro shop, now only about twenty feet away, but neither of them making any move to go inside. "So, like…." His voice was hesitant now, almost nervous. "Should I call you 'mom' now? Or would that be weird for you? Or…?" Jeremy trailed off…...

"You can call me whatever you want. Mom is fine. But, so is Mallory. Or, you can use both. If that's what you prefer. I've noticed that's what you do with Jess."

Jeremy nodded, but didn't respond.

Mallory cocked her head slightly to one side, studying her stepson carefully. She had been curious about this for a while and now seemed like the perfect time to ask. "I used to pay a lot of attention to that, to see if I could figure out a pattern of when you used 'Jess' versus 'Dad', but I never came up with a well supported theory."

"Yeah?" Jeremy looked surprised to learn Mallory had given this so much thought. She had heard Jess's perspective on this, that there had been a time, early on after the adoption, when Jess felt that Jeremy had wielded Jess's first name as a weapon, using it punitively, with malice in his voice as he bit off the syllable, purposely withholding the title of dad when he was angry with his father and wanted to drive home his hurt. But, from what Mallory had seen, Jeremy hadn't done that for years, but he still called Jess by both names. "Well….." Jeremy started, looking like he wanted to explain himself. When he didn't continue she wondered if maybe he didn't entirely understand why he hadn't fully converted to calling Jess 'dad' himself. "I guess I do go back and forth." Jeremy paused to think. "Like, he's my dad and sometimes I like calling him that, especially when we're kind of having a moment and I know he wants to hear it. And I pretty much always refer to him as my dad when I mention him to someone else, like friends or people at work. I definitely like telling other people that I have a dad. I don't think that will ever get old. And, I usually go with dad in writing, like if I'm signing a card or leaving him a note. And, there are times when I just want to say the word, you know." Mallory tried not to look like she was studying him while he spoke. "I didn't have any parents for so long, and sometimes it just feels really good to be able to call someone dad…...But, I also knew him for so long before he became my dad. For months, he was just this….guy who was generous enough to take me in and be nice to me…" Mallory felt a soft twinge in her chest. Her mind flashed to a years old memory, listening to Jess telling her about a conversation he had had with Jeremy during the boy's first week in his home in Philly, when Jess had felt like he was messing everything up, and how it had broken his heart when Jeremy thanked him for being 'nice' to him as they stood in the kitchen washing dishes. "I don't know. That still feels important. That means something, too. That he met me when I was almost an adult and he liked me enough to keep me when there was nothing in it for him, and let me be his family…... It's like, when you have this baby, Jess will be a hundred percent this kid's dad, right?" Mallory nodded her head. "This kid will never see him as anyone else. But, to me, it's like, he's my dad, too, obviously, but he's also kind of…..my Jess, the guy who gave me a chance and a family and picked me to be his kid when he totally didn't have to, and I guess I like reminders of both of those parts of our relationship."

Mallory's eyes were teary. "That's…...I think that makes a lot of sense, Jeremy. And, I get it. I can understand how both of those things are important to you." She paused, knowing she would include this when she told Jess about this conversation later. It was too sweet to not repeat and she wanted Jess to understand, in case he still read anything negative into Jeremy's using his first name. "I hope you know how lucky Jess feels that he gets to be your dad. How lucky I feel that I get to be your mom."

Jeremy nodded his head slightly, looking like he was holding back tears of his own. "Thanks."

"I want to get the adoption done as soon as possible if that's ok. I want Darius to officially be our son before I start to show and we have to tell him about the baby. I don't want him to worry for even a second about being replaced or sent away. I'm talking to his attorney and trying to get a date for next month. Is that ok with you? It's not too soon or anything, is it?"

Jeremy shook his head slowly. "It's definitely not too soon. You tell me when and I'll be there."

"Ok, I'll let you know as soon as I hear back from the attorney." Mallory's face momentarily crumbled and tears started sliding down her cheeks. She wiped at them quickly and held her hand to her face, thumb and index finger against her brow, shielding her eyes with her palm for a moment, feeling mortified at herself for ruining this moment that was supposed to be about Jeremy. She took a deep breath and let it out before she lowered her hand. She wiped at her eyes one last time and latched her hand tightly onto the shoulder strap of the tennis bag resting against the bench. "I'm sorry, Jeremy. Really. I'm so happy to be adopting you."

"It's ok." His voice was tentative and Mallory worried she had made him uncomfortable. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah. It's nothing. I'm sorry." Mallory smiled as brightly as she could manage.

Jeremy frowned slightly. "It doesn't look like it was nothing. You can talk to me, you know….if you want, I mean." Then slowly, tentatively. "Were you thinking about your mom?"

Mallory nodded. "I just…..I had this feeling that I couldn't wait to tell her that I'm going to adopt you and it just got to me." She paused, her eyes focused to the left of Jeremy's head, her gaze past him.

"I'm so sorry, Mallory." The boy looked sorry. He looked a second away from tears, and not the happy kind. This really wasn't how she wanted this to go.

She reached out and squeezed his arm, still averting her eyes, looking off into the distance. "I've been thinking about her pretty much constantly since I found out I was pregnant. It still doesn't feel real that she isn't going to get to meet my daughter. That she isn't going to get to see me adopt you and Darius." Another tear escaped and tracked down her cheek and she wiped her wristband across her face. "There's so much I want to tell her and have her here for, and it sucks that she's not here. It just feels really fucking unfair, and it's putting this huge damper on everything good that happens because having something big to celebrate, something like having a baby or adopting you and Darius, makes me miss her that much more." She rubbed at her eyes one last time and blinked back the remaining wetness as she refocused red rimmed eyes on Jeremy, hoping her expression was warm and back to normal. "God, I'm sorry for being such a mess and making this about me. I'm so sorry, Jeremy."

"It's ok. I get it. I used to think stuff like that all the time when I was a little kid. Like when I'd get an A on a test, or get a good hit or make a good play at baseball, or had a birthday…...the sad stuff made me miss my mom so much, but the good stuff did, too. It was just as bad in a way…where there was no one there to be proud of me or tell me I did a good job…." Jeremy trailed off, his expression suddenly uneasy. "But, I mean, I was only five when my mom died. I'm not comparing what I had with my mom to what you had with yours. I know that I didn't really know my mom the way you knew yours. I could barely even remember her after a couple of years, so it's not like I missed specific stuff about her. It was more like wishing she was there for the good stuff and wondering what she would do, or say to me, because I didn't…...I didn't really know her. I didn't know anything about her. So, I know it's not the same. I didn't mean that I can understand exactly what you're going through. I know that it's different…"

"Jeremy, you lost the biggest thing a kid can possibly lose. I got to have my mom for thirty-nine years. You only got to have yours for five." Mallory paused and blinked back fresh tears. She felt like she had already spent so much time crying since she had become pregnant and she really hoped this wouldn't keep up until the birth. "I already love this baby so much, just like your mom loved you before you were even born. It's such a real and incredible bond. You knew your mother in all the ways that counted, you loved and trusted her, and your grief is every bit as valid as mine or anyone else's."

Jeremy looked thoughtful. "Can I tell you something? It's probably kind of stupid."

Mallory smiled. "Jeremy, you can always tell me anything. I'm always interested in whatever you have to say."

"It's nothing big, but there was this time, back in Philadelphia, before we moved here, when I did something really stupid…...I don't know if Jess ever told you, but one night I went to New York with my girlfriend without telling him. I left my phone at her house so I couldn't answer his calls or texts when it got past my curfew and he was looking for me. I got home really late, like two in the morning late, and I lied about where I'd been. I told him that we'd fallen asleep at her house watching a movie. I didn't know Jess had gone looking for me at her house. Jess flipped out when I got home, like he was scary mad, screaming at me and getting up in my face and pounding on the wall and yelling at the neighbors. I'm not saying I didn't deserve it. I get why he was so pissed. What I did was stupid and thoughtless and I felt horrible for what I'd put him through. But, I remember wondering afterward, like not really then, but later, I guess, when I thought back on that night, what it would have been like to have had a mom then, and if things would have gone differently because of it. Then, like, a year later, when I did something even worse and drove home drunk from that party freshman year…..Do you remember that, how Jess was ready to murder me?"

Mallory nodded, already moved at where she suspected this was heading. "I remember."

"I know I still deserved it, I mean I really deserved it, and Jess was still scary mad, but this time you were there, too. And, like, you got in between us and kind of pushed him away from me. Even though I had done something even worse than running off to New York and I totally deserved to have Jess pissed at me, you were still worried about me. You looked out for me anyway. I felt like I kind of got an answer to my question that night."

Mallory could feel herself grinning through her drying tears. "I love you so much, Jeremy."

"I love you, too." Jeremy smiled back at her.

Mallory pulled Jeremy into another hug, holding on tightly for a beat, not letting go until she felt Jeremy start to pull back. She smiled at him and reached down to collect her tennis bag on the ground in front of her, pausing at the thoughtful expression on Jeremy's face. "What are you thinking about?"

"I just realized you said daughter. That your mom won't…...that you wanted your mom to meet your daughter. Jess didn't tell me that you guys already learned the baby's gender. So, I'm going to have a little sister?"

Mallory smiled, feeling a sharp pinch in her chest. She nodded. "I'm pretty sure. Or, that's what I believe, at least."

Jeremy huffed out a laugh. "What does that mean?"

She felt her smile spread naturally across her face, even as she worried about Jeremy thinking her story was foolish, the way she knew Jess had, even if he had had the sense not to admit it. "It means my mom kind of told me. I know that sounds stupid, and I'm pretty sure Jess thinks it's ridiculous, but he won't say anything. He walks on eggshells around me about my mom now. But, I was walking through this baby store the other day. It's too early to start buying stuff and this shop was very high-end and expensive, and it wasn't the kind of place where I'm going to buy my baby stuff anyway, but I was wandering around for an hour to kill time while Darius was in therapy and the store was right next to the therapist's office…...so…...anyway, I was walking through and I had been kind of thinking of my mom a lot that day. I've thought about her every day since she's been gone, but that day things were feeling extra hard…..and, well, I found this beautiful light pink baby sweater. It looked handmade, and for the price it could have been. It made me think of one my mom made me when I was around Darius's age because it had this intricate white design knitted into the yoke in the shape of bunnies. Mine had been kittens, but they were still really similar. I loved that sweater when I was a kid. And, I picked up the one in the store and unfolded it to get a better look and while I was holding it, I got this overwhelming feeling of my mom being right there, like I could feel her there looking at it with me. I could feel that she was remembering the one she had made me, too. I knew she was telling me that this sweater was the right thing for my baby, that I was going to have a pink-sweater-wearing little girl, and that everything was going to be ok." "And, she was kind of known among her sisters and cousins for always being able to predict the sex when women in her family were pregnant, so…..I trust her." Mallory was tearing up again and she could feel a few tears sliding down her face. "I'm sorry-."

"Don't be sorry." Jeremy scooted closer to Mallory on the bench, putting his arm around her shoulders. "Please don't be sorry." Mallory wiped at her face with her already damp wristband, feeling frustrated that she had let this conversation, one she had pictured being upbeat, the few tears shed those of happiness, to veer so far off track like this. But, maybe this was how every conversation about mothers would go between her and Jeremy. Maybe there was no other way for them.

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Andrew woke slowly, his neck sore from his awkward positioning on the couch. He hadn't meant to fall asleep, but it didn't surprise him that he had. He usually ended up napping at some point after chemo, no matter how hard he tried to fight it. He took a moment to assess his level of nausea before opening his eyes. It wasn't too bad at the moment. He felt a little off, maybe, but he was pretty sure the room wouldn't be spinning if he looked around. He hoped the worst was over for the day. He slowly opened his eyes and the first thing he took in was Harrison, sitting in the armchair looking Andrew's way, a concerned expression on his face that immediately morphed into a warm smile when he realized Andrew was awake.

"Hey, Andrew."

"Harrison." Andrew's voice was a hoarse croak and Harrison was up and holding out a glass of water before Andrew had finished the last syllable. There was a bent straw in the glass. Celeste must have left it that way. She had used it so Andrew could still sip his water earlier in the day when he had been so nauseous he could barely lift his head from the pillow, but he'd be damned if he was going to let Harrison see him being that pathetic. He started to pull himself up to a sitting position.

"Hey, hey, don't go getting up on my account." Harrison admonished.

Andrew started to shake his head, to say he was fine, then stopped as a wave of lightheadedness hit him. It was a relatively minor one, and Andrew knew he could ride it out without embarrassing himself if he really focused. He settled for half-sitting, half-leaning against the arm of the couch. He accepted the glass and took a slow sip, relaxing a little as the water temporarily soothed his scratchy throat.

"Thank you, Harrison." He shifted slightly to better face the young man who had returned to the armchair a few feet away, where he was perched on the edge, ready to spring to his feet and fetch anything else that Andrew may need. "What are you doing here?"

Harrison laughed lightly, his voice cheerful. "What's it look like? I'm hanging out with you." He tipped his head in the direction of the television. "And, catching up on my PBS from the looks of it."

"I'm fine. Really." Andrew tried to infuse enough energy into his voice to sell what he was saying, but he had the feeling he was failing. He _was_ fine, really. Just a little worn out. "You're young. It's a beautiful day. You should be out somewhere, having fun, not sitting here in front of the TV with a sick old man."

Harrison smiled. "Hey, I wouldn't be here for just any sick old man. Can I get you anything? Juice? A blanket? Ice? Anything?"

"Uh, no, thank you. I'm good right now with just this." He slowly lifted his water glass a little higher. He turned his head to fully face Harrison, cognizant of not moving too fast and triggering the dizziness that seemed to plague him at any sudden movement these days. "I'm ok. Really. I don't need a babysitter."

"It's like that, huh?" Harrison smiled, his tone playful. "You don't want to see me? You trying to kick me out?"

"Of course I want to see you. I'm always happy to see you. I'm just…..not as happy about you seeing me. Not like this."

Andrew could hear the sickness and age in his voice. Lately he had been thinking a lot about his parent's last days, remembering how he had watched his father slowly deteriorate from emphysema. How the man had wasted down to a shriveled, helpless version of himself in the end. Andrew hated that that was the version of his father that felt most strongly preserved in his memory. He felt like that now, old and weary in a way he hadn't felt since right after his son had died.

"Oh, yeah?" Harrison's tone was still light, but Andrew could feel the underlying seriousness of the question. "As I recall_, you_ saw _me_ when I was in a really bad way. You were there for me when I was at my worst."

"This is different." Andrew swallowed, his mouth feeling dry again even after the water. "I'm gross. I've already thrown up twice today."

Harrison scoffed. "Um, in case you forgot, I'm a pediatric nurse. A little puke doesn't scare me. I get puked on on a regular basis. What else you got?"

Andrew frowned. "I don't want you to feel like you need to take care of me." Andrew took another slow sip of water.

"Uh, again, I'm a nurse. We tend to want to take care of the people we care about when they're sick. It's actually a pretty key aspect of the job description."

Andrew sighed. "I mean, I don't want you to feel like you have to be here, or that you owe me anything. You don't." The last thing Andrew wanted to be was a burden and finding himself in that position anyway was a source of stress as significant as the cancer itself.

Harrison laughed out loud. "Uh, I completely do owe you, but that's beside the point. I'm here because I want to take care of you and make sure you're all right. Bring you tea or toast or whatever you need. Keep you company."

"I'm fine, really. Did Celeste ask you to babysit me while she's in Hartford?"

"She didn't have to ask. I offered. She worries about you. You can't blame her if it makes her feel better to know I'm here while she's teaching her teenage gang members how to knit."

Andrew huffed out a soft laugh. "They're not gang members. Don't let Celeste hear you say that."

Harrison grinned. "If you say so. All I know is those girls were pretty scary when Celeste dragged me down there to give that talk on STD's last year."

Andrew smiled. He felt like he was perking up a little from Harrison's presence, feeling better than he had all day. "Definitely don't let her hear you say _that_. And, honestly, I'm fine. I don't need a keeper."

Andrew's mother's death had been both better and worse than his father's. She had gone into the hospital to have a partial mastectomy. By all counts the prognosis had been very positive, her doctors optimistic that the cancer had been caught before it spread and would likely be wiped out entirely with a single operation. She had died on the operating table from unforeseen complications involving anaesthesia. No prolonged suffering, but no goodbyes either, just there one moment, gone the next. Andrew had lost both of his parents within a few years of each other, and even though he'd been as well situated to absorb the loss as he could have been, well into his forties with a loving wife and son, losing each of his parents had still hit him hard. He couldn't fathom having to get through that kind of loss without having had a family of his own to fortify him, the same way he couldn't imagine having survived the loss of his son without Celeste. He didn't want to abandon Celeste now. She needed someone to talk to about Jonathan, someone who still loved him and needed to keep his memory alive as much as she did, someone she could turn to to remember their son with on those nights when sleep wouldn't come. They both needed that. And Andrew wanted to keep being that person for her. To chivalrously let her leave this world first, so she would never have to grieve for Jonathan alone. Harrison entering their lives and becoming a part of their family had been a priceless gift. One that Andrew hoped ensured that Celeste would have family for the rest of her life, even if something happened to him.

"I like being here with you. It makes Celeste feel better to have me here while she's out. And I'm pretty handy to have around, medically speaking. Sounds like a win all around." Harrison grinned and glanced toward the television. "So, what are we watching anyway? Another British crime solving show?"

Andrew looked toward the television, trying to remember what he had been watching before he fell asleep, but nothing came to mind. He watched a familiar looking character dressed in an old fashioned maid's uniform exchanging British accented dialogue with a man in an overcoat and he felt frustrated that he couldn't name the show. He felt like it was on the tip of his tongue but just beyond his mental reach. "You can change it if you want."

"Uh-uh. Patient gets to pick the channel." Harrison settled back in his chair, crossed an ankle over the opposite knee, looking more relaxed. "You know what I was thinking about on the drive over here?"

Andrew glanced his way. "What?"

"When I had to get my wisdom teeth out during my senior year of college and Celeste made me get it done in Stars Hollow so I could stay here and you guys could take care of me while I recovered. Remember that?"

"I do. I remember you developing a dry socket and being pretty miserable." Andrew took in the blank look on Harrison's face and felt a momentary panic that he had confused a detail of Harrison's surgery with Jonathan's. He knew he hadn't been thinking very clearly lately, his short-term memory giving out on him, whole chunks of time spent in a mental haze lost in his own head, but this wasn't a mistake he wanted to make. He watched with relief as recognition registered on Harrison's face.

"That's right! I forgot about that!"

"How could you forget that?" Andrew asked, feeling more confidence in his memory. "You were in so much pain. And the oral surgeon was out of town over the weekend so you had to wait until Monday to be seen. I felt so badly for you."

"Yeah, I remember now. That sucked. I couldn't eat anything. The pain was awful." "But, that's not what I remember the most."

"Oh yeah? What was the most memorable part for you, then?" Andrew could feel himself starting to smile as he spoke. "Being a model patient and cooperating like a good little boy while Celeste and I took care of you and made you smoothies and reminded you to take your pain meds? Is that the lesson I'm supposed to take away here?"

Harrison grinned. "Ok, maybe you're a little sharper than the patients I normally deal with. I'll give you that much. I can usually coax the kids at the hospital into cooperating with a story containing a not so subtle moral message." Harrison chuckled. "What I do remember, though, is me lying on that couch with you sitting in the chair I'm in now, Celeste in that one." He tilted his head toward the chair on the other side of the couch. "While we binge watched the first three seasons of Queer as Folk together to take my mind off my pain and suffering." Harrison smirked. "And, you acting like you weren't completely uncomfortable with all the naked men the whole time so you wouldn't offend me."

Andrew felt the smile back on his face. "I wasn't uncomfortable with the naked men, per se, it was more about how much you and my wife seemed to be enjoying them."

Harrison laughed. "Whatever you say, Andrew. You know what else I was thinking about?"

"What?"

"The time you walked in on me and Trevor."

Andrew groaned. "That was so embarrassing. I felt terrible about that."

Harrison grinned. "I know you did. And we were just making out and stuff. We weren't even naked."

"I was so afraid I had made you uncomfortable here, and that you wouldn't want to stay with us anymore. And you hadn't been with us very long, but we were already very attached to you."

Andrew watched Harrison's eyes crinkle in genuine happiness. He knew the boy still liked hearing that he was wanted and how much he and Celeste liked having him in their family. He knew he should tell him more often. He also suspected the boy would deflect the comment like he so often did with anything emotional.

"It took you that long, huh? I'm not sure if I should be offended. I was attached to you guys after the very first dinner I had here."

"Yeah? Feeding you was all it took to win you over?"

"It was more than that. I mean, I wasn't eating all that regularly before I met you guys, and definitely not home cooked meals, except for when I'd stay at Jeremy's once a week or so, so yeah, the food itself was definitely appreciated. But I was feeling a little shy when I got here. I didn't want to take too much food. I didn't want to look like a pig and have you guys rethink your offer to let me stay on my first night here. But then Celeste kept asking me if I wanted more and making sure I got enough, asking me what I liked to eat, what I wanted for snacks and lunches, and you guys were asking me all these questions about school, what classes I was taking, how I liked it. It felt so much like being part of a family, or at least what I always thought being part of a family would be like, that I kind of freaked out."

Andrew furrowed his brow.

"I just remember feeling like oh, shit, I could get used to this. I could actually get attached to these people. And I went into this huge panic at the idea of having something like that, of having you guys acting all parental and caring about me and everything, and then losing it someday. I didn't think I could handle that. I was sure I wouldn't survive it." "But then the thing with Trevor happened…... I thought you were going to be pissed at me because he was your real family and here I was some foster kid all taking advantage of him in your house. No one wants to see that."

"You're my real family, too, Harrison." Andrew knew as he said it that the comment would go unacknowledged, but he was ok with that. He wasn't saying it because he wanted reciprocation. He just wanted Harrison to hear it.

Harrison had been weighing heavily on Andrew's mind since he had been diagnosed. Not that his diagnosis was bleak, but even a cancer diagnosis that came with a better than average prognosis was enough to make him dwell on his own mortality. He knew his thinking might contain an element of ego or delusion, but Andrew hated thinking about the boy losing him and Celeste before he was safely ensconced in a loving family of his own to help him deal with the loss. The idea of Harrison being left without a family for the second time in his young life was a source of worry for Andrew. He was grateful that Harrison had Jeremy. Jess's son had been a good friend to Harrison over the years and Andrew knew that their shared experience of growing up in foster care would make Jeremy uniquely sensitive to Harrison's situation if something happened to him and Celeste. That Jeremy would do his best to not let Harrison feel alone. But, it wasn't the same as a family of his own, and Andrew wanted, maybe selfishly, to see Harrison settled down, safe and cozy and starting his own family, in the event that Andrew made an early exit.

"But, you weren't mad, instead you were all awkward apologies and everything. You were worried about how _I_ felt. That's when I knew you guys were keepers, that it was safe to let myself get attached."

Andrew watched him thoughtfully. "Hmm…..I knew you were a keeper long before that."

"Oh yeah?"

"Sure did. You made me happier than I'd been since Jonathan died. Me and Celeste both. You being here in this house. You were exactly what we needed."

"A replacement kid?"

Andrew felt a mixture of surprise and concern at the question. He looked at Harrison carefully, taking in the young man's expression, so deliberately neutral that it felt guarded.

"No, of course not. Someone who had been through a loss of the same magnitude as ours and hadn't given up." "And, just for the record, we've always thought of you as our second child, not a replacement kid."

Andrew watched Harrison' expression shift, and knew the boy was taking what he said onboard, really processing it instead of just glossing over it like he tended to do with emotional conversations. Andrew paused to reflect on the circumstances surrounding Harrison coming to live with them. "But, you're not the only person who thought of it that way, of you being a replacement kid for us."

Harrison's expression became curious. "What do you mean?"

"Just that I'm not sure Jess would have introduced us if he hadn't seen it that way, too. I remember him telling me about you and how you needed a place to live. I think he thought he was playing matchmaker and setting up a kid who needed parents with parents who no longer had a kid. I can still remember the day in the bookstore when he tried to sell me on the idea. I remember him telling me how having you live here would be 'good' for me."

Harrison raised an eyebrow. "That feels a little…presumptuous."

Andrew laughed. "Yeah, it definitely felt that way at the time. It also felt aggressive and invasive and a little condescending, like he was trying to give me advice about something he knew nothing about. I know he meant well. He's a good person and he genuinely wanted to help you. And, I don't know that he was wrong. I think having you around has been _very good_ for me and for Celeste, but the way he talked about it, as if having another child live with us was going to alleviate any part of the pain we were going through over losing Jonathan….it made me really angry."

"I can understand that pissing you off. What did you say?" Harrison was leaning forward in his chair and it made Andrew remember how eager Jonathan had always been as a child for the details of the story that Celeste used to tell him about when he was born. How they had spent the first two days home from the hospital stuck inside during a blizzard, temporarily losing heat and electricity and snuggling close to keep their new baby safe and warm, telling him stories in the dark. He supposed all kids enjoyed hearing the details of their family's origin story, even if they had been eighteen when they found their family.

"I don't remember exactly. But, it was something along the lines of telling him to butt out. That he had no clue what he was talking about. That a new kid wasn't some kind of band-aid we could just slap over the open wound left by Jonathan's death." Andrew tried to cast his mind back and really remember that conversation, but he couldn't come up with any specifics. "I think I said something along those lines, but probably with a lot less coherence and a lot more hostility." A memory came back to him. "Oh! I hit him in the head with a book."

Harrison laughed. "No way. You did not!"

"I did, really. But, I'd say it was only half on purpose." Andrew smiled and he heard Harrison snicker. "I was storming out of the bookstore with this big hardcover book in my hand, and he was kind of crouched on the floor because he had been stocking one of the lower shelves, and I kind of smacked him in the head with it when I walked by him."

Harrison laughed again. "Oh, my god! I cannot even handle that! I wish I'd been there!"

Andrew smiled, enjoying making Harrison laugh. "It was a stupid thing to do really. It didn't make me feel any better. It just made me feel petty and ridiculous. I didn't even know I was going to do it until it happened. My wrist just kind of snapped a little on its own as I walked by."

"What did Jess do?"

"Nothing, really. He winced a little and held onto his ear. I apologized, told him it was an accident, which it really felt like it was because I had never done anything like that before. I think maybe it was part accident, part stupid impulse. He was nice about it. He said it was fine, and told me not to worry about it."

"Jeez. I'm glad I never got on your bad side." Harrison smiled, then his expression turned serious. "But, so, what made you change your mind? If you were that upset at the idea when Jess was trying to talk you into it. What made you guys decide to take me in?"

"Well, I went home and told Celeste about my conversation with Jess. Not so much asking if she wanted to let you live here, but more venting about how Jess had presumed to know what we needed and how angry he'd made me. She heard me out on everything and agreed that Jess had been…...less than tactful, we'll say, but she asked me what I thought we would have done in the same situation if Jonathan had still been alive. He was twenty-nine when he died. He'd been out of the house for almost a decade by then. She pointed out that if Jonathan had been alive when we heard about you, we still would have had the same space to share and the same concern for a kid without a place to live. She asked if I would have been offended if Jess had asked us to give you a place to live under those circumstances, and what I thought we would have decided if we hadn't lost Jonathan. And, it was really clear to me that we would have welcomed you into our home if Jonathan hadn't been killed. I might have been the hold out, even then, because I'm not always comfortable with having strangers in my personal space, but Celeste has always been a sucker for a kid going through a bad time. And, I knew Jonathan would have encouraged us to do it. To help a kid that we had the means to help. And, I knew that together they would have persuaded me. I realized that if I said no, I would just be saying no out of resentment over Jess's meddling because we _had_ lost Jonathan, and that didn't seem right, and certainly didn't seem like something Jonathan would have wanted us to do. So, the next day I told Jess that we wanted to meet you. Or, I think I said that _Celeste_ wanted to meet you because I still didn't want to give him the satisfaction of thinking he had talked me into thinking you would be _good_ for me."

Harrison smiled warmly. "I'm glad it worked out like it did. I'm really glad I met you guys, and that you took a chance on me and took me in. I know I don't say that enough."

"I'm glad you took a chance on us, too. I probably haven't said that enough either."

"I think about it a lot." Harrison said. "How you guys changed the whole trajectory of my life. My life is pretty good now. It's better and more stable than I ever really believed it could be. Sometimes I wonder where I would be now if I hadn't met you guys."

"You were always so motivated, about getting good grades, and working, and getting through school. I think you would have ended up where you are now even if you hadn't had us in your life."

"Maybe." Andrew watched Harrison look down, idly scraping his thumb nail over the seam running down the length of the arm of his chair, purposely avoiding eye contact. "Things were tough back then, though, with not having a place to stay and the whole identity theft thing. I couldn't take out loans for school. I was sleeping on a different couch or floor every night, sometimes spending the night in the library or the student union, pretending I'd fallen asleep studying. I was struggling to feed myself." Harrison made eye contact, and Andrew appreciated the gesture, knowing how difficult it was for the boy to talk about his emotions. "I was at the lowest point I'd been at since aging out of the system. I don't know if I would have even been able to finish college if you guys hadn't taken me in and supported me the way you did." He looked away. "I wonder if I would still be living like I was. In survival mode. Alone…...And, I'm not just talking about how you supported me financially. I mean everything. Then and now. Having a place to come to where I'm always welcome. And, people who care about me that I can call if I need advice or just want to talk. Knowing I kind of have family now. I just…...I feel like I should say thank you for all of that. So, thank you. Really."

"You don't need to thank me, Harrison." Andrew's gaze fell on the two matching framed pictures on the bookcase behind Harrison's chair, one of Jonathan in his cap and gown at his college graduation, flanked by Andrew and Celeste, all three smiling proudly at the camera, the other picture identical to the first, but featuring Harrison instead of Jonathan. He looked back toward Harrison, who still wasn't looking at him. "Celeste and I have enjoyed every minute of having you in our home and in our family. We love you very much and we're so proud of you. I want to make sure you know that."

Harrison nodded slowly, his eyes toward the television, even though Andrew knew he wasn't really focused on it. He wished conversations like this weren't so hard for Harrison, but he could understand how they could be when a person had grown up with so little affection, being unable to trust even his own parents. "You're going to make it through this, Andrew." Andrew stared at the boy's profile, watched him sniff once, quietly. "You're only sixty-four years old. You have a long way to go before you're an old man. You'll get through chemo. You still have a lot of years ahead of you. With Celeste. With me. You're going to be around to meet any future kids I might end up having…..."

Andrew let himself picture that for a moment, an older, post-cancer version of himself, happy and healthy, playing with Harrison's future children in the backyard. "That sounds nice. I hope you're right."

Harrison shrugged casually. A small, playful smile formed on his face even as he kept pretending to focus on the television. "I am. I'm a nurse. I know stuff. You'll get through this. I know you will."

Andrew smiled softly even though Harrison couldn't see him. "So will you. I know stuff, too."


	22. Chapter 22 - Hard Times and Good

**Chapter Notes**: Just a few snippets from Jess's life with his children. Thanks to everyone who is still reading and especially to the readers who left me reviews on the last chapter. I very much appreciate all your thoughts and feedback.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls.

**Trigger Warning**: Brief mention of past abuse. Current trauma from past abuse.

"Hey, Jeremy!" Jeremy watched Jess grin broadly at the sight of him on his doorstep, and the slight uneasiness in Jeremy's stomach disappeared. He was hit, not for the first time, with how amazing it felt to have someone he could make that happy with his presence, to be someone's loved child, not unlike the baby Jess was holding, cradled against his chest.

"Hey, Dad." It was Jeremy's first time dropping by unannounced, or as close to unannounced as he felt comfortable with, since Jess and Mallory had moved into their own house and expanded their family with Darius and Evie. Once Jess had learned that Jeremy had recently started dating a girl who lived in an apartment four blocks away, he had been on Jeremy to 'stop by anytime' or 'swing by and say hi' on his way back from her house sometime. Jeremy knew Jess just wanted to make him feel comfortable, to let him know that he didn't need an invitation to be welcome, that he wanted Jeremy to think of the new house as his family home, too, even though he would never live in it like Jess and Mallory's other kids, but Jeremy felt uneasy at the prospect of dropping by without being asked. It wasn't like he thought Jess would ever not be happy to see him, but he worried about picking a bad time, when everyone was engaged in a family activity that didn't include him, in the middle of a game with Darius, or during one of the boy's emotional meltdowns, that would leave Jeremy feeling superfluous, like an outsider in his own family. He would much rather drop by when he had been asked and was expected, but Jess had been pushing it so much that Jeremy could tell his dad was concerned about Jeremy feeling excluded. He had given in mostly to make Jess happy and had decided to stop by on a Saturday afternoon before heading back to Stars Hollow from Kristie's place. He had shot Jess a quick text to make sure it was ok before he had gotten in his car to head over and received the thumbs up and smiley faced emojis in response.

"It's good to see you, kid." Jess reached his free arm around Jeremy's shoulders in a half hug that ended with his hand on the back of Jeremy's skull, tilting it slightly downward for the kiss on the head he always received when Jess first saw him, regardless of whether it had been a couple of weeks or just a day since they had last seen each other.

"You, too. I was just heading home from Kristie's and thought I'd stop by…." The sentence felt vaguely unnatural to Jeremy and he let it trail off.

"Hey, we're so glad you did. C'mon in. Can you hangout a while? How are you doing? Are you hungry?" Jess stepped to the side to let Jeremy enter the house.

Jeremy reflected on how the older Jess got, the more he sounded like Uncle Luke. Jeremy could always count on either of them to pepper him with questions and offer to feed him within a few minutes of saying hello. "I'm good. I ate a late lunch with Kristie." Jeremy pulled off his jacket and hung it on the coat peg in the hallway. He covered his mouth as he let out a long yawn.

Jess raised an eyebrow. "Late night, or are your sister and I boring you already?"

"Sorry. I guess we were up pretty late. I didn't realize how tired I am."

"Yeah? So, how are things going with Kristie? When do your mom and I get to meet her?"

Jeremy smiled at the satisfied grin on Jess's face. He was aware of how much Jess enjoyed being able to refer to Mallory as Jeremy's mom since the adoption. "Things with Kristie are good. We've only been seeing each other a few months, though. I'm thinking I should maybe let her lead on that and wait until she has me meet her family. I don't want her to think I'm rushing stuff." Jeremy slipped off his sneakers by using the toe of one shoe against the back of the other and leaned down to set them neatly against the wall.

"Hmph. I heard that Luke got to meet her." Jess feigned hurt at the injustice.

Jeremy looked up surprised. "That was just this morning! How do you possibly know about that already?"

"Oh, I know stuff, kid." Jess was playfully stern. "Don't you worry about how."

Jeremy smiled. "We ran into Uncle Luke at the hardware store when we were looking for something to fix the broken leg on Kristie's coffee table. What was I supposed to do? Walk past the guy like I didn't know him?" Jeremy smiled at the memory of Luke calling out to him in the wood glue section and greeting him with a hug before being introduced to Kristie. The feeling of normalcy he got from getting to show off his family and how loved he was in front of other people never got old. But, Kristie was only his third real relationship. He really liked her, possibly even loved her, and he didn't want to mess things up. His last relationship had been shortly after college and had ended after six months because the girl had found Jeremy too needy. He could still remember the night Alison had broken up with him, sitting on her bed, his heart hurting as he listened to her describe what he had thought was him loving her, but she had seen as him 'glomming onto' her in a way that she had found smothering. He wasn't going to make the same mistake this time. He was determined to move at Kristie's pace.

"The way I see it, there was nothing stopping you from running in the opposite direction so that I, your actual dad, you do remember me, right, could be the first person in your family to meet your new girlfriend." Jess shrugged with feigned nonchalance and the movement jostled Evie, who started to squirm in his hold. "Just sayin'...that's probably what a good son would have done."

Jeremy grinned. "Let's compromise. How about if I let you know the next time we're running an errand and you can unexpectedly run into us at the hardware store and introduce yourself. Does that work for you, crazy person?"

"You've got yourself a deal there, kid."

"_But_, you'd have to actually be helpful, like how Luke advised us on what to buy and how to fix the table. And, you're not really all that handy, so…..." Jeremy tried to keep a straight face as he baited Jess.

"I see where you're going with this, and I like where your head's at." Jeremy smiled in anticipation of the nonsense he knew was forthcoming. "Let's take the hardware store out of the equation altogether. Nix the hardware store. Who needs it? Next time just shoot me a text when you guys are leaving Kristie's place and I'll grab Mal and the kids, drag 'em over there real fast, and pose us all outside her front steps in a casual tableau of a happy family taking a walk through the neighborhood. When you guys walk out, I'll be all 'hey, look who it is! Fancy meeting you here! Who's your friend?'" Jess gave Jeremy an exaggeratedly bright smile. "See, problem solved!"

"Wow." Jeremy said. "That's quite the plan. I can't imagine why I haven't let you meet her yet."

Jess laughed. "Or, we could do something totally bananas and just have you two over for dinner one night. That sounds just crazy enough to work!"

"We'll do that, just…...not yet."

"Fine. Take your time. But, let me just leave it at this. If Liz and TJ get to meet your girlfriend before I do, you are going to find yourself in some serious trouble, young man." Jess's playful smile belied his threat. "I'm talking serious." Jess drew out each syllable of the last word.

Jeremy smiled. "That's definitely not going to happen. I think you'll probably get to meet her soon. I just want to take things slow…...and not add any extra…...pressure or anything to our relationship by having her meet you guys."

"So, now I suck at home improvement projects and my mere presence makes you feel pressured? It's like that, huh?" Before Jeremy could come up with a sarcastic retort for Jess, Evie let out a loud cry and Jess bounced slightly at the knees to comfort her. "Hey, look who it is, Evie." Jess turned to the five month old who was wiggling slightly in his arms, using what Jeremy still thought of as his dad's 'Winston voice.' "It's your big brother Jeremy. He came over to play with you and give me shit. Isn't that fun for us?"

"You're seriously swearing in front of my little sister like that?" Jeremy gave Jess a stern look and Jess made a face.

"I'm trying to retrain myself. That one slipped out. But, hey, maybe don't give me shit if you don't want me to have to call you on it in front of your little sister. Just a thought."

Jeremy smiled and focused on the baby. "Hey, Evie. How's it going?" He moved to Jess's side in an attempt to make eye contact with the baby, who let out a small, surprised-sounding gurgle before nestling her tiny face back into her father's chest.

"Don't take that personally. It's almost time for her nap. She's pretty pooped today. We've had a big morning of playing peek-a-boo, blowing bubbles and bouncing in our bouncer. Haven't we, munchkin?"

"I get it. I don't like people in my face when I'm tired either." Jeremy looked around as he followed Jess to the living room. The house was suspiciously quiet. "Where's everybody else?"

"Mallory's out with Darius. She took him to his equine therapy appointment this morning and then out to lunch and a movie afterwards for some mother-son time."

"Darius needs a lot of Mallory's attention lately, huh?" Jeremy asked. This was the third time in the past few weeks that Jeremy had heard about them spending time together without Jess and Evie.

"Yeah, he does. I think the little man just needs some reassurance that he's still special to her even with Evie in the picture." Jess used his free hand to clear some baby toys and a Darius-sized sweatshirt off the couch, putting them on the coffee table to make room. "Take a seat."

"That makes sense. Doesn't Darius need the same reassurance from you?" Jeremy asked. He knew that Mallory was Darius's favorite parent, but he felt that Jess had been making some headway in winning the kid over. The last time he had seen them all together, Mallory had sat on a lawn chair holding Evie while he, Jess and Darius had thrown a ball around in the backyard. Darius had seemed to tolerate Jess well enough, even if the boy didn't exhibit the same attachment to him that he had to Mallory, who he had constantly engaged to make sure she had seen a throw or catch that he had been particularly proud of, even if Jess had already complimented him for it. He knew from Jess that Darius still wasn't that comfortable with Jess touching him or being in close physical proximity, but Jeremy thought things seemed to be getting better.

Jess shook his head slowly. "He doesn't seem to. I still get the impression that kid could take me or leave me." Jeremy felt himself frown. Jess smiled at him and sat down on one end of the couch, shifting his daughter in his arms. "It's ok. I have faith that I'll grow on Darius. He's only nine, so I've still got a few years to wear the little guy down and make him like me."

Jeremy felt something tug on his heart as he took in the small, hopeful smile on Jess's face.

"I bet when Darius looks back on this part of his life later, when you guys are as good as you and me are, he's going to appreciate how patient you're being with him now."

"That's a nice thought." Jess sighed. "I really expected things between us to have improved a lot more by now, but the therapist says I can't rush this. That he'll come around in his own time. And, I believe that he will. I mean, I'm not too terrible of a dad, am I?"

Jeremy smiled as he sat down at the opposite end of the couch, not wanting to crowd Jess while he held his daughter. "You're definitely not too terrible of a dad."

"And, I'm willing to share Mal with him as much as he needs right now. Plus, it leaves me lots of one on one time with this little munchkin." He shifted the arm supporting the baby, lifting her up slightly. "Isn't that right, Evie? We get to have our own father-daughter time."

"I'm not interrupting, am I?" Jeremy felt a flickering of self doubt, a rare emotion for him around his dad. He scooted forward on the couch, preparing to rise if he thought he should. He had been feeling sensitive all day. Kristie had called him on it before he had left her apartment, asking if he was ok. He was, really, it was just one of those days when he felt things a little extra.

"What?" Jess gave him a confused look. "What are you talking about, Jeremy?"

"Just, did you want to have one on one time with Evie today? Like father-daughter time…..."

"Stop. You're never an interruption. Now, I get to have father-daughter time _and_ father-son time all at once. What's better than that?" Jess tilted his head down toward Evie. "I was just about to read this little munchkin here a book before she goes down for her nap. You came at the perfect time to join us."

Jeremy took in the baby's relaxed face, her eyes half-shut, a tiny yellow hat on her head, and felt the same mixed emotions he sometimes felt when watching his sister with one of their parents, love, first and foremost, for his newest family member, tinged with a distant longing for what he had missed out on in his own childhood. He looked back at Jess, feeling so much warmth for his dad, for always including him, always loving him. "Oh, yeah? What book?"

"Winnie the Pooh." He tilted his head down to indicate his daughter. "This one'll probably be out cold before I get halfway through." Jess smirked at his son. "But don't worry I won't leave you hanging. I'll finish the story just for you. Come sit with us."

Jeremy moved a few inches toward Jess and Evie, leaving the better part of the middle cushion empty between them and started to get comfortable, angling himself toward his father and sister, propping an elbow on the back of the couch, resting the side of his face on his closed fist, feeling even more tired now that he was seated and still.

Jess frowned. "You're going to miss stuff if you're all the way over there. Scoot over here so you can see the pictures."

"It's ok." Jeremy smirked. "I'm familiar with the plot. I'm confident I can keep up."

"It's not the same without the visual." Jess tilted his head in the direction he wanted his son to move. "C'mere. Come cuddle with us."

Jeremy scoffed. "You're ridiculous."

"Don't make me have to come get you, little boy." Jess's tone was playful. "I'd hate to have to drag your scrawny little ass over here in front of your little sister."

It still felt weird to Jeremy to have a sister twenty-five years younger. And a brother seventeen years younger. It felt unreal sometimes, almost fake. That he was part of this family at all, and that he was so much older than his siblings. He wondered what his relationship would look like with Darius and Evie when they were older, if they would see him as a sibling the same way they would see each other as brother and sister, or if he would find himself left out of their sibling dynamic, too old to for the things that typically bonded siblings together, unable to make childhood memories with them or share the same perspectives on their family, cast in a more distant almost uncle-like role, with his relationship to them secondary to his relationship to Jess.

Jess patted the spot on the couch directly beside him. "Get over here, kid."

Jeremy huffed out a laugh and moved closer. When he got within arm's reach, Jess wrapped his free arm around Jeremy's waist and pulled him the rest of the way over to his side, grinning. "That's more like it. Get comfortable. Take a page out of your little sister's book, here. She's a story time cuddling pro."

Jess took his arm back and leaned forward to retrieve the book from the coffee table. Jeremy pulled his sock-covered feet onto the couch, shifting a little as he moved a few inches away from Jess to give them both some room, snuggling into the back cushion. "All right." Jess said. "Now, we're ready to read."

Jeremy turned his head away to yawn into his elbow. The idea of cuddling with his family was starting to feel inviting. Jeremy slid down a little on the couch so he could lean in and rest the side of his head on Jess's shoulder to get a better view of the book that Jess held in the hand not cradling the baby. He instantly felt ridiculous, but also just content on a deep down level.

Jess set the book down on his lap and raised a hand to Jeremy's face, giving his cheek two gentle pats. "My little boy."

Snuggling with his dad like this was not something Jeremy would have felt comfortable doing in front of Darius, or even Mallory, and especially not in front of Kristie when their relationship was still only a few months old and he was constantly cognizant of not looking like a doofus and making her rethink her decision to date him. He would have felt childish and embarrassed with an audience, but he felt none of those inhibitions around Jess. He was caught up in the coziness of the moment and in the idea of getting to experience something he couldn't remember having had when he had been a child the appropriate age to have been read to.

He reflected on the dynamics of his new family, the little group of five that now served as his immediate family. Mallory was his mom, legally and emotionally, and there were some conversations, particularly about his career that he knew were better had with her, like when he had taken his current job as a foster youth achievement counselor at the high school in Woodbury, leaving the triggering atmosphere of the child welfare system behind to help teenagers in foster care in a more concentrated capacity, focusing on supporting them through high school and helping them get into college or job training programs. While Jess had tried to gently steer Jeremy toward a career in private counseling or hospital social work, areas not geared toward foster kids, out of wanting to protect him from his own past trauma, Mallory had better understood his desire to continue to work with foster kids even though he found it painful. But, Jess was still the person Jeremy was closest to, the one he felt the least self-conscious around and trusted to accept any part of him, no matter how lame or ridiculous. The person who knew him the best and accepted everything about him. The person he was most himself around, without worrying about how he would be perceived or whether he would fit in. Luke was that person for him, too, especially when it was just the two of them. And, now, with Darius adopted and Evie born, Jeremy got less and less one on one time with Jess and he was soaking this up. Jess had never read to him before and even though it was ridiculous at his age, he was already enjoying the idea. He huffed out a quiet laugh.

"What's so funny?" Jess asked innocently.

"Nothing. I just feel silly." Jeremy smiled, leaving his head on Jess's shoulder while he spoke. "I'm too old for this."

"You are not! That's blasphemy." Jess patted his son's leg. "You're never too old for Winnie the Pooh. It's a classic. _I'm_ not too old for Winnie the Pooh." He lowered his voice to a whisper as if to keep Evie from hearing what he said next. "I don't want to give away any spoilers, but I happen to know that Eeyore features heavily in this one. And, we all know he's your favorite sad little donkey."

"I meant _this_." Jeremy knocked his head gently against Jess's shoulder as he thought about Jess buying him the stuffed Eeyore at the mall when they had gone Christmas shopping for their first holiday spent together. The stuffed donkey still sat on his dresser back at the apartment.

"What?" Jess's tone was playful. "You're never too old to cuddle with your family either."

"Yeah?" Jeremy half laughed, half scoffed. "Because I see you cuddling with Uncle Luke all the time."

"Hey, I don't hear the guy asking." Jess said. "Huh. Should I be offended that he doesn't ask?"

Jeremy smiled. "Do you remember the time you tried to sleep in my bed with me, when I was having anxiety problems and couldn't sleep my freshman year of college?"

"How could I forget? You snore like a lawnmower."

Jeremy laughed. "Uh, that was totally you."

"Huh. If I remember correctly, we ended up moving to my bed since I had a queen and you still had my old single bed. I remember that Winston was pretty confused by all the moving around in the middle of the night."

"Yeah, I remember that, too." Jeremy's mind went to his dog for a moment, remembering the little guy sleepily tottering after them into Jess's room.

"That wasn't silly either if that's what you're about to say." Jess admonished.

"It was _kind of_ silly. I was like 18 or 19. That was way too old to crawl into bed with my dad when I couldn't sleep."

"_I_ crawled into bed with _you_. And, it helped you get to sleep that night, so it wasn't silly."

"I'm not saying it wasn't helpful, or even kind of _nice_, knowing you were willing to do that." Jeremy couldn't see Jess's face from his position, but he wondered if his dad could feel him smiling against his shoulder. "Just that it was silly, too."

"I don't think it was silly. I always like hanging out with you."

Jeremy laughed. "Even if I'm asleep?"

"Even if. I just like being around you." Jeremy looked up to see Jess looking down at his baby daughter, almost asleep in his arms. "And, getting to watch your kids sleep is always…...nice. It's something special no matter how old they are. It's not something I'm going to have forever, so I've got to take advantage when I get the chance."

"This makes me think of that night. It's nice, but…..silly at the same time. I feel a little goofy."

"Huh." Jess pretended to carefully consider this. "Maybe that's a personal problem. You ever think that maybe you're just a goofy kid?"

The smile on Jeremy's face started to feel lazy and relaxed. "It could be that. I must get it from my dad." The peacefulness he was feeling seemed to exacerbate how tired he felt and he wondered if Jess would have two of his kids sleeping on him by the time he finished reading.

Jeremy watched Jess shut the book and place it down on his leg, his free hand disappearing from view and resurfacing as a gentle touch on the side of his face, a warm palm cupping his cheek, followed by a kiss landing on his hair.

"I think this is pretty great. I don't get too many quiet moments like this. My oldest and my youngest together. Getting to share a great book with both of you. This is good stuff, right here."

Jeremy nodded his agreement against Jess's shoulder while he yawned. It always felt like good stuff when he was with Jess. "I agree. I still say it's silly, but not so silly that I want it to end anytime soon."

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Jeremy heard a soft rustling from the small space between the side of the garage and the fence, small feet crunching in snow, a quiet sniffle, then nothing. Jeremy felt a familiar tugging on his heart at the memory of feeling little and scared and powerless, at the mercy of adults for the fallout from a mistake he had made. He knew the boy's fear wasn't any less real just because Jeremy considered it to be unwarranted. Jeremy had implicit trust in their parents to deal with the boy calmly and fairly and knew Darius didn't need to be as scared as he was, but he understood that his ten-year-old brother might not share his trust yet, even after spending almost two years as their parents' son. Jeremy understood that things repeatedly drilled into you early in life could take time to relearn. He took a few exaggerated steps, making sure to audibly crunch through enough snow to make his presence known, not wanting to startle the boy. He walked around the corner of the garage to see Darius with his arms wrapped around his torso, huddled against the cold in only a sweatshirt, jeans and sneakers, his eyes wide with apprehension.

"Hey, it's just me, Darius." Jeremy held out the small jacket he had grabbed on his way out of the house, watching the boy relax only slightly at the sight of him. "I brought you this."

Darius took a few tentative steps toward Jeremy, then quickly snatched the jacket from his hand, pulled it onto his small frame, zipped it up and stuck his hands in the pockets. "Thanks."

"You're welcome. Are you ok?" Jeremy asked.

"I didn't mean to." The boy sniffled, his expression close to tears. "It was an accident."

Jeremy nodded. "I know. I know you didn't mean to. We all know it was just an accident. No one's mad at you. You know that, right?"

Darius shook his head slowly, his eyes on the ground near Jeremy's feet, his voice low. "He's really mad."

Jeremy crouched down in front of his little brother, a couple of feet away, wanting to be at the boy's level for the conversation, but wanting to respect his personal space at the same time.

"I think Dad was more…..startled than actually mad. He knows that you didn't mean for things to turn out like they did. I think he feels bad that he yelled at you in front of everybody like that."

Jeremy thought back to the scene that had just transpired in the house. The dining room table filled with family celebrating Evie's first birthday. Darius standing by Jess's chair, the man distracted as he spoke to Mallory's father and TJ, the boy excitedly tugging on his arm, relentlessly asking for the video game Luke had brought him in an attempt to help him deal with his little sister's birthday without feeling left out, the one he had played until dinner when Jess had taken it away from him in order to get the boy to join them at the table, telling him he could have it back after dinner. Jess insisting the boy sit and eat his cake with the rest of the family who had come over to see him. Darius starting to lose it then, protesting that everyone was there for Evie, no one was there for him and he just wanted to play his fucking video game.

The next moment had moved quickly and Jeremy knew that Jess's embarrassment over having Darius talk back to him and swear at him in front of his parents, Doctor Howard, and Luke and Lorelai had played into his reaction, raising his voice, telling Darius to stop, to just calm down, to get a grip and behave himself. Darius escalating in response, grabbing for the video, pulling against Jess's grip in a tug of war, wrenching it free from Jess's hand, his little body flung back at the loss of resistance, right into Mallory carrying in Evie's homemade Little Mermaid themed birthday cake, a candle in the shape of Flounder and a blue number one glowing on top. Then a blur of activity. The cake somehow missing Darius completely, sailing over the boy's head in what felt like slow motion, Jess jumping to his feet as it landed mostly on him, frosting smearing down his shirt, the left sleeve of his sweater starting to burn, Luke on his feet instantly, splashing the contents of Lorelai's water glass on Jess's arm, pulling the fabric away from his nephew's skin and patting it down to make sure the tiny flame was out and that Jess wasn't hurt, Liz and Lorelei gasping audibly, TJ letting out a surprised _oh_ _shit_, Mallory righting herself from her stumble, and Jess's frustrated knee-jerk reaction to all of it, yelling _Jesus Christ, Darius! _as angrily as Jeremy had ever heard him. Darius standing motionless, looking terrified at what he'd done, the video game dropping from his hand before he turned and ran. Jeremy meeting Jess's eyes briefly as Jess started mopping at the front of his shirt with a cloth napkin, taking in the shame and regret there. Jess sighing, looking suddenly older and exhausted to Jeremy, Mallory's mouth a neutral line that Jeremy couldn't read as she stooped to retrieve the fallen cake, Evie starting to cry in her high chair, and Dr. Howard taking her out to comfort her. Jeremy telling his parents he'd go after his brother before grabbing both their coats and heading outside.

The boy looked up, unconvinced. "He didn't _seem_ like he felt bad. He just seemed mad."

"I know. I get that. And, I think you're right that he probably was mad in the moment, when everything happened. But, I know that he's not mad now. He's not going to yell at you again if you go back in. I promise."

Darius frowned. "How do you know?"

"Because I've known Dad a long time." Jeremy kept his voice gentle, gave the boy a small, encouraging smile. "And I know how he works. He freaks out a little and yells sometimes, but he doesn't stay mad for very long. If we go back in, he's going to talk to you calmly about what happened. He's not going to yell again." Jeremy studied the boy carefully, taking in his nervous apprehension. "Or…...do anything else. You know that, right, Darius?"

Darius sniffled, shrugging his tiny shoulders in his jacket. When he spoke his voice was so low that Jeremy could barely hear him. "One time I knocked the computer off the table, and my dad, my real dad, yelled at me just like that." The boy mimicked an angry growl. "_Jesus Christ, Darius_." "Then he hit me. Over and over. It was one of the really bad times." The boy sniffled quietly. "And, it wasn't even broken or anything. The computer still worked fine after."

Jeremy nodded. "I'm really sorry that happened to you. Your father shouldn't have done that. No one should hit you, Darius. Ever. But that isn't Dad. He's not like the guy who hit you. This isn't like your old family. I know you understand that by now. I know you know it here." Jeremy considered reaching out to his brother, but tapped an index finger to his own temple instead. "But, I know it takes a lot longer to really know it in here." He tapped the same finger to his chest over his heart. "But, I've been around a while and I promise you it's true. No one here is going to hit you or hurt you in any way. Dad would never hurt you, no matter how mad he gets, no matter what you've done." Jeremy could still see the disbelief on the boy's sad little face, but he could tell it was now accompanied by something new, the desire to believe. "One time when I first came to live with Dad, when I was seventeen and it was just me and him, before we'd met Mom, we were sitting at the table together and I knocked over a glass of juice I was drinking. It spilled all over his laptop. And, _his_ computer _was_ broken and he still didn't hit me. He didn't even _threaten_ to hit me."

Jeremy had a brief flash of Jess jokingly reworking the saying about spilled milk to include beating the snot out of the person who spilled it while he tried to sop up the liquid from his keyboard and then hugging him, calling him his poor sick, clumsy boy.

"He yelled right when it happened, kind of like he did just now, mostly because he was pretty caught off guard then, too. And, the juice got everywhere, too, just like the cake did. And I was pretty scared."

"What did you do? Did you run away, too?" Darius asked, his expression serious.

"No. But, part of me definitely wanted to."

"Why didn't you?"

"I guess because even though it was scary, I knew I needed to stay and apologize. It was an accident, but I still broke something of his and I knew I needed to tell him I was sorry for it. I felt like I'd messed up pretty bad and I hadn't been with Dad for that long then, so I wasn't really sure what to expect from him for something like that. But, after he recovered from being surprised by what happened, he was fine. He calmed down. He understood it was an accident. He didn't stay mad at me or yell at me again. He actually gave me a hug."

Jeremy knew that the situations weren't entirely similar. He had been sitting innocently at the table doing homework when he had knocked over his glass of juice as opposed to willfully disobeying Jess in front of their entire family when the accident occurred. But, he knew the outcome would be the same, that even if Jess and Mallory scolded or punished Darius for not listening to Jess about the video game, they would understand that the worst parts of the incident, destroying Evie's birthday cake and setting Jess's sleeve on fire, were accidents that they wouldn't hold against him.

"I bet Dad has calmed down by now. Mom and Dad both love you so much, Darius. They're probably inside feeling bad that you're out here feeling bad." Jeremy gave the boy a small smile. "It's going to be ok. You trust me, right?"

The boy nodded subtly, sniffled once, then shrugged. Jeremy decided to take it as a yes.

"Are you feeling up to going back inside and talking to Mom and Dad?" Jeremy asked. He was starting to really feel the cold and wanted to get back indoors.

The boy nodded. "I guess so."

Jeremy started to rise. "Good man. This will all be ok. I promise." Jeremy started to turn back toward the house.

"Hey, Jeremy?

"Hey, Darius." Jeremy reflexively smiled, turning back toward his little brother, who hadn't moved from his spot. The boy was wearing a small frown and looked close to tears.

"Do you think they would have still kept me if they knew about Evie?"

Jeremy froze, wanting to make sure he understood the question correctly so he didn't inadvertently make things worse. "If they knew what about Evie?"

"It they knew they were going to have her. They adopted me before they knew about her, before they knew they were going to have their own kid. Then, when they had her, it was too late to send me back because they'd already adopted me."

"Oh, Darius." Jeremy crouched down again, this time closer to his brother, setting one hand on the boy's shoulder, wanting physical contact for Darius as well as himself. "That's not how it happened. They knew they were having Evie before they adopted you. They still wanted to keep you because they already loved you so much and wanted you to be their son. One has nothing to do with the other. You are their real child. They love you just as much as they love Evie and me, and you are their child every bit as much as she is and as much as I am." Jeremy took in the skeptical look in the boy's eye.

Darius furrowed his brow. "If they knew, why didn't they say anything? They didn't tell me about Evie until after they adopted me. When it was too late and they were stuck with me."

"They definitely knew. They told me they were having a baby before the adoption. If you don't believe me, ask Uncle Luke. They told him, too."

"Why didn't they tell me, then?" Jeremy could hear the sadness in the kid's voice and his heart hurt at the memory of his childhood self experiencing what the boy was going through, the feeling of taking every slight or exclusion as evidence that he didn't belong and wasn't really loved or wanted.

"They didn't want you to worry. They didn't want you to think, for even one minute, that the adoption wasn't going to happen because they were having a baby. They love you so much and they just wanted to keep you from worrying about being sent back because they knew they would never do that." Jeremy studied his little brother, trying to read whether the boy believed him. He thought about how fraught with hurt relationships could be, even when the people in them had the best of intentions. How traumatized he himself had felt as a child by the foster parents who had sent him back for no fault of his own when they had learned they were having a baby, and how relating that story had colored his own parents' views on disclosing their pregnancy to their second adopted child in a decision intended to be sensitive to Darius's feelings that had instead created a different kind of hurt and insecurity. "They were trying their best to protect you and not make you worry. They love you, Darius. You're their real son. You're my real brother. We all love you and want you here in this family. You belong here, with us. You are so loved and so wanted." Jeremy felt a warmth spreading in his chest at being able to tell Darius all the things he had dreamed of hearing when he had been Darius's age. He smiled at his brother. "Please trust me on that."

Darius scrunched up his face and one tear slid down his cheek before the boy wiped furiously at his face, removing all evidence of crying. "What do you say we head back inside now, before-". Jeremy had a flash of himself with Jess, watching him with his first foster child, an easy toddler, Jess teasing Jeremy about how much more crying and melting down Jeremy had done when Jess had first fostered him. He was tempted to tell the boy that they should head in before his tears froze on his face, but stopped himself, realizing they weren't at that place yet, where he could tease Darius about expressing his emotions. Darius was still very much searching for a secure place in their family, something that took its own time no matter how many months or years went by or whether the adoption had been legalized. Jeremy knew that Darius's adjustment had been delayed by the birth of Mallory and Jess's biological child, something Jeremy hadn't had to contend with when his early days with a family had been filled with one-on-one bonding time with Jess. "-before we freeze out here." He made exaggerated efforts to warm his hands by rubbing them together in front of his face. "I don't know about you, but I could definitely go for a cup of hot chocolate right now."

"Ok." The boy nodded, still looking a little nervous.

Jeremy considered going in for a hug, but held himself back. He wasn't sure how well the physical contact would be received and he didn't want to wreck the best bonding moment he had ever had with his little brother. While he was still considering his options, Darius took two quick steps towards him and wrapped his arms around Jeremy's neck. Jeremy felt a huge grin spreading across his face as he returned the hug. When Darius pulled back, a small smile on his cute little face, Jeremy decided to press his luck.

"Hey, how about if I give my favorite little brother a piggyback ride back to the house?" Jeremy stayed crouched as he swivelled away from Darius, looking back over his shoulder, smiling encouragingly at the boy. "C'mon, Darius. Hop on."

Darius's smile was hesitant at first, before widening into a real grin. He approached Jeremy, then paused as if unsure what to do next.

"Wrap your arms around my neck."

Jeremy felt the boy's arms cling onto him, the weight of the child on his back. "Now, wrap your legs around my waist." Jeremy started to rise, reaching down to support the boy's weight with hands under the kid's knees. "All right, hold on, here we go!" Jeremy spun around twice, listening to the boy giggle, and set off toward the house, already thinking about how they would reframe this down the road, as a wacky incident in their family narrative, _hey, Darius, remember that time you set Dad on fire? That was insane!_

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Jess sighed and flicked his wrist as he stood at the stove, moving the diced garlic and onions around in the frying pan with a wooden spoon. "You're really working my last nerve tonight, kid. I said no and I meant it. Let it go."

"This is such bullshit." Darius grumbled.

Jess sighed again. It felt like something he did a lot around his middle child lately. It seemed like the kid was always fucking with him, constantly pushing him to see how far he could go and what he could get away with. The boy was thirteen, so Jess knew that some of the shit he was getting from his son was par for the course as a parent, but the consistency and level of open defiance in the kid's attitude felt excessive. Even during the worst of his own teenage years, Jess could remember pockets of ceasefire between himself and Luke, and even Liz, and he liked to think he was as likeable a parent as Luke had been and far more likeable than Liz. And he couldn't remember ever looking at Luke with the level of anger he sometimes saw in Darius's eyes. It felt like the kind of intense hatred that Jess had only leveled at Liz at her worst moments. Being the sole target for his son's attitude was also particularly exhausting and demoralizing. He was tired of hearing Darius talking or laughing with Mallory or Evie or Jeremy only to have the boy shut down or find an excuse to leave the room shortly after Jess walked in. He had pictured his own family having none of the tension that had been so present in his own childhood, but he had somehow only managed to work himself onto the adult side of the conflict, even if he didn't feel like he had done anything to deserve it. Jess was still adhering to the therapist's advice as best he could, but the lack of real progress and emotional intimacy with his son was disheartening.

"Watch your mouth, Darius." Jess looked over his shoulder to give his son his best stern look. The look didn't seem to work on Darius the way it had on Jeremy, who had been so eager to please him from the start, but Jess still made the effort. Darius was sensitive to parental scolding and disappointment when they came from Mallory, occasionally even when disappointment came from Jeremy, but the kid seemed mostly impervious to either from Jess.

Darius scoffed. "Whatever. You're such a hypocrite. You swear all the time."

Jess sighed, ignoring the _whatever _and the accompanying attitude, having learned to choose his battles judiciously. "I do not." That didn't feel completely honest, so he clarified. "Not in front of your little sister I don't." Jess tilted his head to indicate his four year old daughter, sitting at the kitchen table coloring, as he laid strips of tofu in the pan with metal tongs. "Hey, could you hand me the sea salt please? It's on the table."

Darius ignored the request entirely, pulling his phone out of the back pocket of his pants, and Jess felt foolish for expecting anything else, walking over to the table himself to grab the salt, and heading back to the stove to sprinkle a pinch onto the contents of the pan.

"I'll just text Mom, anyway. She'll say I can go." Darius's expression was neutral as he looked down at his phone. That kind of dismissiveness always got to Jess more than his son's anger.

"Please do not text your mother about this, Darius." Jess turned away from the stove to give his son his full attention, the tofu sizzling in the pan behind him. "I mean it."

"I can text her whenever I want." The boy didn't look up as he responded. "She's my _mother_."

Jess took a deep breath. "I told you you're not going. You're too young to go to a high school party." Darius had always been drawn to friendships with older kids and while his six-grade son being friends with eighth-graders from his basketball team hadn't worried Jess as much, had left him grateful that Darius had finally made friends at all, his seventh-grade son hanging out with those same kids who were now high school freshmen had become a point of contention between Jess and Darius. "I don't care that your friends will be there. You're not going, and that's final."

Darius rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I don't get why you're being such a dick about this."

"You know what? I'm tired of this. I'm sick of your shitty attitude." Jess could feel his temper wanting to rise and took a deep breath to keep himself under control. "So, now you're not going _anywhere_ this weekend. How does that sound?"

"I didn't even have to tell you! I could have just lied about where I was going!" The boy's voice was raising indignantly. "You act like you want me to talk to you and tell you stuff and then when I do, you use it against me! That's so fucked up. I don't even know why I bother talking to you."

"Watch your attitude, Darius. And, you're language. I don't want to have to tell you again." Jess managed to keep his voice from rising to match his son's. His self-control, while hard-earned and something Jess was proud of, never seemed to really improve the outcomes of situations between him and Darius as much as he thought it should. Where was the appreciation for his patience and his ability to stay calm and not lash out in anger at his child no matter how purposely antagonistic the boy's behavior was?

"You just said shitty." Darius scowled angrily at Jess. "So, I need to watch my mouth in front of Evie, but it's fine for you to swear in front of her?"

Jess sighed, feeling frustrated and tired. "Just give me a break, here, Darius. You aren't going to this party. Just let it go and move on, ok?"

"Whatever." The boy mumbled under his breath, his eyes back on the phone in his hand as he typed, his voice barely audible. "Like you could really stop me."

"What was that?" Jess took a step toward his son, then stopped, taking a deep breath and reminding himself to stay in control, to use his words instead of resorting to physical intimidation by aggressively invading his son's space. "What did you just say to me, Darius?"

Just then, Darius's phone buzzed and the boy tapped a button and held it to his ear. "Hey, Mom!" The boy's voice was gratingly cheerful and Jess knew it was for his benefit even as his son turned his back on him. "How are things going in Boston? Is the conference as boring as it sounds?" Jess turned back to the stove and started flipping his tofu, now burnt on one side, as he listened to his son laugh into the phone. He knew there was no chance of Mallory siding against him regarding the party, but keeping his thirteen-year-old son from attending a high school party no longer felt like the only point.

"Darius!" Evie squealed excitedly, throwing her crayon down onto the table. "I want to talk to Mommy!"

"C'mon, munchkin." Darius called to his little sister. "Let's go in the living room and put her on speaker."

Jess listened to his daughter clamber noisily down from her booster seat at the table and run after her brother, small bare feet slapping against the linoleum. He took a deep steadying breath, trying to control his annoyance. As much as Darius drove him crazy some days, he was grateful that the kid had such a strong relationship with Mallory. Jess knew what it was like growing up with no adult he felt like he could really talk to and he was glad Darius had one parent he liked and trusted. Jess still had faith that he and Darius would get there someday, too. That the kid would outgrow his shitty attitude and come to appreciate all the crap Jess had put up with from him. That Darius would finally stop making Jess pay for the mistakes of the man who came before him. That Jess would end up as close to Darius as he was to Jeremy. Jess sighed and focused his attention back on preparing dinner.

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Jess lay in bed thinking about his family, in particular his strained relationship with his son in the next bedroom. The argument he had had with Darius earlier that evening was still weighing heavily on his mind. He hated living with constant tension between them. He hated that Darius's feelings toward him, that had started out fear-based when the boy had first come to live with them, had somehow morphed into the current level of animosity instead of improving. He didn't understand on a very basic level how he had failed to win Darius over in the five years he had already been given with his son. It filled him with self-doubt and made him feel wholly inadequate as a parent.

Darius was already in junior high and Jess knew that was a time when even kids who were close to their parents started to pull away. Time seemed to be flying by and Jess desperately wanted to slow it down. He wanted to freeze time at this moment until he was able to right his relationship with his son, so that they could move forward with less tension and a solid relationship and not squander the boy's teenage years with the shit they were currently stuck in. He worried that he was running out of time to establish the kind of relationship he wanted to have with his son. The kind where the kid didn't constantly look at him with thinly veiled annoyance and anger, the kind where his son did more than merely tolerate his role in his life. He had been eagerly looking forward to this weekend, with Mallory away at a conference in Boston, the first momless nights in their home since Darius had come to live with them. Jess thinking he could force bonding onto his son by being the only parent available to him for three whole days. But, things hadn't gotten off to a great start and Jess wondered if he had made a mistake in telling the boy he wasn't going anywhere this weekend. It felt like keeping him from the high school party would have been enough. Now, he had a weekend with a grumpy and mopey teenager to look forward to. He knew that being punished wasn't going to make the boy more open to spending time with him and he hated the idea of wasting this chance with his son.

Jess felt like he always seemed to do the wrong thing, like he was always trying too hard and failing somehow. Nothing seemed to work out the way he wanted it, too. When Darius had taken an interest in basketball in fourth grade, Jess had put up a hoop in the driveway, picturing father son bonding sessions during after dinner games of horse and around the world on summer nights, the sound of crickets chirping as the evening light faded around them, reducing the world to just the two of them for a moment. The reality had involved a lot more frustrated meltdowns as Darius learned the new skill, recoiling from Jess if he got too close while giving the boy pointers, Mallory joining them at Darius's insistence more often than not, and then Darius slowing making excuses to avoid playing altogether. Too much homework. In the middle of a good show, a good chapter, a tense video game level, whatever the boy could come up with to put distance between himself and Jess. The driveway basketball court sitting dormant for over a year while Mallory told Jess not to take it personally, that maybe basketball just wasn't Darius's thing after all. Then a year later, Darius joining the middle school team and playing almost nightly after practice with three older boys from his team who lived on the same block, while Jess occasionally peeked out from the kitchen window.

Jess thought back to the camping trip they had taken with the whole family when Darius was eleven. Two days of family togetherness while they hiked, fished and sat around the campfire. Jess doing his best to create memorable bonding moments for himself and Darius whenever possible, walking next to him during hikes, insisting on teaching the boy to bait his hook and cast his line, making sure to sit next to Darius as they all roasted marshmallows around the campfire, pushing his advice on the boy again as to how to hold his stick over the fire. Despite his efforts, Darius had spent the weekend pulling away from Jess and gravitating toward other members of the family. Wanting to hike with April because she knew fun bird calls and cool facts about the plants and critters found in the woods. Asking Luke his fishing questions when the knowledge Jess had gleaned through one night of obsessive youtube viewing on the subject had let him down. Getting visibly frustrated when his marshmallow burnt to a crisp and oozed off his stick and into the fire, leaving his spot to get a new marshmallow and plunking himself down between Mallory and Doula when he returned.

Jess's strongest memory of that trip was waking in the early morning in the 'boys' tent' that April had insisted he sleep in with Luke, Jeremy and Darius, while she bunked with Mallory, Doula and Evie, and Lorelai, Rory and Leelee shared the third tent, to ensure that she didn't get stuck sharing with a couple. Jess remembered expecting Darius to protest not getting to sleep with Mallory and Jess had been prepared to speak up for him, ready to suggest that he and Mallory bunk with their two youngest children, but Darius had taken the decision in stride from where he had sat in the dirt playing cards with Doula and Leelee. Jess could remember seeing the first rays of light starting to filter through the tent while everyone around him slept. He thought back to the essay Jeremy had written during their first year of college, about getting to share his first sunrise ever with his uncle and how impactful the experience had been. Jess had sat up and turned toward his youngest son, wanting to invite him outside to witness the sunrise just the two of them and crystallize that memory, _hey, Darius, want to see something really cool? _The boy had been turned away from him, his small body splayed out in sleep, one arm and one leg thrown across Jeremy, who was sleeping soundly on his back on Darius's other side. Jess was surprised by how much the sight hurt. He reached out a hand to nudge Darius's shoulder, then stopped himself, realizing that would likely end badly. Darius often had nightmares, and woke up agitated and fearful when touched, especially on the few times Jess had been the one doing the touching. The outcome wasn't going to be different this morning just because Jess desperately wanted it to be. He had learned to wake his son using only his voice. "Hey, Darius." Jess tried to modulate his voice to wake Darius without bothering Jeremy and Luke. "Wake up, buddy."

Luke stirred first on the far side of Jeremy. He yawned and made eye contact with Jess, smiling at his nephew, before putting a hand on Jeremy's shoulder and giving him a gentle shake. "C'mon. Up and at 'em, guys. We don't want to miss the sunrise."

Jeremy's eyes opened slowly as he took in his uncle's words. "Ok. I'm up." He nudged his brother who was lying half on top of him. "C'mon, Darius. Get up. Let's go. We have something cool to show you."

Darius opened his eyes halfway and seemed to think better of it, closing them again and nuzzling further into Jeremy's side with a soft mewing sound. Jess listened to Jeremy and Luke's whispered laughing at the boy's reaction, his eyes never leaving his sleeping son while he felt something in his chest stomp on his heart.

Jess didn't understand why things had to be so difficult. He knew he wasn't perfect, but he thought he was a nice enough person, a decent enough dad. Jeremy thought so. He knew that much. And, Evie seemed to be appropriately attached to him so far. He didn't understand why he was so repellant to his middle child. Jess was pulled out of his thoughts by a familiar muffled scream.

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"Hey, hey, it's ok, Darius. Wake up, kid. You're ok. You're safe." Jess kept his distance, crouched on the floor near the head of Darius's bed, not giving in to his instinct to reach for his son, who was thrashing wildly under his covers, letting out fearful yelps. Jess kept repeating a litany of what he hoped were soothing words until the boy stopped moving, his eyes popping open.

Darius hadn't had a nightmare this bad in over a year, and even though comforting Darius when he had one was typically Mallory's domain since they had learned early on that Jess's presence at the boy's bedside only served to agitate him further no matter how calm and soothing Jess tried to be, Jess still knew the routine. He had pumped Mallory for details over the years to better understand his son and to know what to do so that he could step in for Mallory if necessary without making things worse. But he had thought the nightmares were winding down and he hadn't expected this to happen while Mallory was away.

Jess took in his son's eyes wide with fright, his skin damp with sweat, his posture rigid with tension as he sat up in bed, looking around him wildly, his covers half kicked off the bed from his struggle. "Hey, Darius." He gave the boy his warmest smile, even as his stomach clenched with nerves at what a pivotal moment this felt like and how badly he didn't want to say or do the wrong thing and mess it up. Jess saw the moment the boy focused on him, the wild-eyed, frightened look slowly disappearing now that the kid knew he was safe. It gave Jess confidence. "You're safe, Darius. It was just a dream. You're safe." Darius gave him, if not quite a smile, a slight turning up of one corner of his mouth in return and Jess felt himself unclench slightly at the lack of hostility in the boy's expression. He couldn't remember the last time Darius had allowed himself to be this vulnerable in his presence without using his anger to push Jess away. This felt like something.

The boy nodded, looking completely wiped out.

"Do you, uh, do you want to talk about what you were dreaming about?" The boy was looking at him a little funny and Jess wondered why. He knew it was the question Mallory always asked after a nightmare, too, on the therapist's recommendation to ask but not push if Darius didn't want to talk about it. According to Mallory, Darius took her up on talking about half the time and the majority of nightmares he had shared with her focused on the abuse he had suffered at the hands of his father, sometimes detailed accounts of physical assaults and sometimes vaguely remembered feelings of panicked running and hiding, or hearing his mother screaming and not being able to get to her.

"Uh, no. That's ok." Darius looked a little uncomfortable now that he was waking up and reality was creeping into his consciousness. "But, thanks, though."

"Ok. Uh. Do you need anything? Want a glass of water, or a cup of tea or anything?" Jess didn't want this moment to end yet, to be dismissed and sent back to his own room so soon. He knew Mallory often sat on the boy's bed, holding him and talking to him until he fell back to sleep, on particularly rough nights curling up with him and staying with him until morning. He didn't think Darius would welcome either of those things from him.

The boy shook his head wordlessly. Jess started to feel his thigh muscles relaying their dissatisfaction with his prolonged crouching. He wanted to stretch his legs, but didn't want to leave, didn't want to get up and risk Darius thinking he wanted to leave, just stayed put and endured it instead.

"Is there anything else I can do?" Jess didn't want to sound needy, but he desperately wanted to extend this interaction.

Darius's expression turned hesitant at first, then slightly embarrassed. "It's just-. Mom usually stays with me after and talks to me until I go back to sleep."

"Oh." The words hit Jess like a slap. "Ok. You know what?" He made a point to keep his voice even, his tone extra solicitous, to hide his hurt. "Where's your phone? We can call your mom if that's what you need. It's late, but she won't mind." Jess looked around, spotted the boy's phone charging on his dresser on the other side of the room and stood to walk around the foot of the bed to retrieve it. "She'll understand if you need her." Darius's words from earlier ran through Jess's head, heavy with attitude. _I can text her whenever I want. She's my mother. _He tried to block them out. This was different. This wasn't Darius being a little snot. This was his traumatized son in need of his mother.

"No, that's ok. I mean…" Jess watched the embarrassment creep across his son's face from where he stood across the room, phone in hand. "Maybe you could just…...stay for a little bit..…if you don't mind."

Jess was momentarily struck dumb. "Yes. Yes, I'll stay. I'd love to stay." Jess instinctively took a couple of steps towards the bed, then rethought his movement when the boy frowned slightly, looking uneasy. "I'll, just, uh." Jess turned back around, setting Darius's phone back on the dresser, his eyes searching the room he wasn't often invited into. "I'll just sit on this chair right here." Jess took a few steps toward the plush, comfortable-looking chair on the other side of the boy's desk. He knew he'd made the right decision when he saw his son visibly relax. He sat down, only to instantly stand back up when he realized he'd sat on something in the dim room lit only by the nightlight. He picked up the stuffed bunny from the chair.

"Did you just sit on Mr. Snuggles?" Darius asked, the concern in the question making him seem younger than his thirteen years. Jess looked at his son, who had laid back down, his face lit softly against his pillow in the soft glow of the nightlight.

"What? No. I would never. Close call, though. But, he's good. Right, Mr. Snuggles? He's a tough little guy. A tough little bunny rabbit." Jess could recognize how nervous he felt from his own rambling. He felt that same light flutter of nerves in his stomach that he had mentally associated with job interviews and first dates back before becoming a parent, when those had been the biggest source of nerves in his life, the distinct feeling that something important could be lost or won based on what he said or did in this moment.

Mr. Snuggles was the only thing Jess was aware of that Darius still had from his early childhood with his birth parents. The bunny had slept in the boy's bed for years, having been relegated to the chair when Darius had deemed himself too old to sleep with a stuffed animal earlier in the year when he had turned thirteen. Jess set the bunny back down on the chair, suddenly feeling nervous about the idea of displacing him and somehow messing up the moment. He pulled out the boy's desk chair instead, a plain wooden chair with no armrests. "We'll give Mr. Snuggles his space. I can just sit over here instead." Jess worried that he had messed up anyway when he saw the boy giving him a funny look in the dark.

"Uh, that chair isn't really comfortable or anything." Jess took in the expression on his son's face. If he wasn't mistaken, his son was maybe feeling a little nervous, too. "I'm sure Mr. Snuggles won't mind sharing his chair with you."

"Oh. Ok. All right, then." Jess picked up the bunny again and sat down in the soft chair, balancing Mr. Snuggles carefully in a seated position on his leg, one arm casually wrapped around the toy in a half hug to keep him from falling. "Me and Mr. Snuggles will just hang out over here together, then. Yep. Just hanging out with my favorite bunny rabbit." Jess was unsure of whether Darius wanted him to talk or just sit quietly and share space with him.

"Hey, Dad?" Jess looked up to see shame flicker across his son's face.

"Hey, Darius." Jess aimed for playful and Darius gave him a small half smile for his trouble.

"I'm sorry." Darius said quietly, his expression serious.

Jess leaned forward in his chair, forearms on his knees, squishing Mr. Snuggles. "Darius, no, son, you don't need to be sorry. I'm happy to do this, to be here with you. We've all been there. We've all woken up scared in the middle of the night and wanted someone to be there with us. You're my son. I love you and I'm happy to be here for you. For anything you need. There's no place I'd rather be right now. Ok?"

Jess gave his son a warm smile, but instead of returning it the boy looked distinctly uncomfortable. "Ok. Thanks. But, I, uh. I meant about earlier. When you said I couldn't go to the party…... That stuff."

Oh. Jess hadn't been expecting that and tried to compose himself despite his shock. He tried to remember the last time the kid had offered him a sincere apology, unprompted by Mallory, maybe that time the kid had knocked over the cake and set Jess's sleeve on fire on Evie's first birthday. "Thank you for that, Darius. I really appreciate you saying that. I, uh." Jess felt unsure how to proceed. He considered going in for a discussion of Darius's inappropriate attitude while the kid seemed open to a real conversation, or just savoring the moment and the acknowledgment of wrongdoing, which was, in and of itself, a huge step forward, or letting the boy off the hook and taking back his punishment for the weekend, offering him two full days of fun outings and junk food instead, to make up for so much missed time. In the end he went with the easiest and most obvious choice.

"I just, I just love you so much, Darius." Jess could hear his own voice, thick with emotion in the near dark.

Jess watched his son as the boy lay on his side, face resting on his pillow looking at Jess, his expression serious but lacking any of the annoyance and hostility that Jess usually found himself on the receiving end of.

"I know." The words were spoken so softly they were barely audible. "Me too." The boy rolled over to his other side, facing away from Jess. "Goodnight, Dad."

"Goodnight, son." Jess could feel his face stretched into a wide grin, his chest swelling with warmth and happiness, as he watched his son wiggle around, getting comfortable. He couldn't wait to tell Mallory about this tomorrow. He needed to celebrate this moment with someone. He looked down at the stuffed animal on his leg, wide unblinking eyes staring back at him and knew that Mr. Snuggles got it. He picked up Mr. Snuggles and moved his little stuffed body in a silent, happy dance on his lap, little bunny feet tapping against his leg and furry little arms waving around in the air. Maybe this weekend wasn't shot after all. Maybe there was still hope.


	23. Chapter 23 - The Penultimate

**Chapter Notes:** This chapter ends on a bit of a dark note, but things won't stay this bad for long. I think the next chapter is going to be the wrap-up. I have loved writing this story and doing my best to get into these characters's minds and I want to thank everyone who is still reading this story and especially all the lovely readers who have taken the time to leave me comments telling me what they think of this story.

**Trigger Warnings:** Underage drinking. Drug use.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls.

"Is there any way we could maybe keep this between us and not tell Mom and Dad?"

Jeremy scoffed at the absurdity of the request and glanced quickly at the boy in the passenger seat before refocusing on the road ahead of him. "Is that a serious question, Darius? You're fifteen years old and you have a court date that you need to appear at. I'm pretty sure this is too big to hide from Mom and Dad."

"They're going to be so pissed." Darius's voice was low and worried. "He's going to kill me."

"Yeah, well, if I help you keep this from them, he'll kill _me,_ and that hardly seems fair since I'm not the one who got himself arrested tonight." Jeremy paused, reflecting on how his brother always villainized Jess and wondering if the kid was even aware that he did it. "And Mom's not exactly going to be thrilled about this either. You do know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know." Darius said, his voice heavy with guilt and hurt.

It wasn't lost on Jeremy that Darius had distinctly different responses to each of their parents finding out about his arrest, with anxiety and trepidation over Jess's expected reaction and sadness and guilt at the thought of Mallory's. Jeremy felt like it should go without saying at this point, but he also felt like it was one of those things that couldn't hurt for Darius to hear again and again, especially in times like this.

"Darius, you do know that Dad isn't really going to _kill_ you, right? I mean, he'll be upset for sure, they both will, but you do know that he isn't going to _do_ anything to you, or hurt you in any way, right?" Jeremy shot a glance at his little brother and saw the barely perceptible nod of his lowered head.

"I know." Darius's voice was a whisper.

"Good. Just checking to make sure you know you're safe." Jeremy thought back to what Jess had told him in the car on the way home from Stars Hollow almost a decade and a half ago on the day his lie over the peanut allergy had been exposed, and how much he had appreciated hearing it. "What happened tonight sucks, but it's not the end of the world, ok? And I can be there when you tell them if you want me to." When he shot another glance at his brother, the boy was giving him a sad, grateful smile.

"Thanks. I definitely want you to."

They drove in silence for a moment, then Jeremy heard his brother sigh loudly. "What are you thinking, Darius?"

"Just that I didn't know it was going to get so out of control." As stupid as Darius's choices had been tonight, Jeremy couldn't help but feel a little sorry for the kid. Doing something this bad and waiting for the fallout had to suck. He could still remember the Uber ride back to the motel from the train station in Philly the night he had snuck off to New York with Melissa. The nauseating tightness in his stomach at knowing how badly he had messed up and the gut-churning fear he had felt over having to face Jess. Jeremy had never done anything involving the police or court appearances, but he could still relate. He knew it had only been very good luck that had kept him out of the legal system when he had driven home drunk from a party in college. He could sympathize. "I don't think Dwayne and Curtis knew either." Darius added. "I just went to hang out. I thought it would be chill, just a few of us, sitting around smoking, maybe drinking a little."

Jeremy kept his eyes straight ahead, as he guided the car around the curve of the road in the dark. "That's what you have to say for yourself? That you just wanted to sit around a graveyard getting drunk and high in the middle of the night?" Jeremy felt a spike of annoyance at the boy's reckless behavior and some anxiety at the idea that the first time Jess and Mallory went away for a weekend and left him in charge of Darius, the boy had slipped out in the middle of the night and gotten himself arrested. He felt like maybe he had let his parents down, too.

Jeremy could see the boy nodding his head slowly out of the corner of his eye. "That, and thanks for coming to get me."

Jeremy sighed, feeling himself soften toward his little brother. He knew he was the weak link in the family when it came to dealing with Darius. He knew that Darius knew it, too. "Darius, you can't do shit like this. You get that, right? This was serious. You're going to have a criminal record now. None of what happened tonight was ok."

Darius hunched into himself in the passenger seat, withdrawing at the rebuke. He hadn't intended for the night, or the whole weekend, to go this badly. He thought back to his parents leaving to visit his Uncle Daniel and Aunt Megan in Boston. How he had heaped attitude on them all week, wearing them down until they had agreed to let him stay behind with Jeremy. It wasn't like he had anything against his aunt and uncle. They were nice enough people. But, Darius had been having a rough time lately, feeling pent up and frustrated for reasons he didn't understand and couldn't explain. Lately he felt like his temper was set to a permanent low grade boil and the littlest things were capable of pushing him over the edge. And, the idea of being crushed into the back seat of the car with his little sister and his grandfather for the ride to Boston, sleeping crammed in the living room of his aunt and uncle's apartment with his sister and his parents, who insisted his grandfather take the guest room, and spending three whole days in the company of everyone on his mother's side of the family all felt like too much. Way more than he could cope with. So, he had opted out, and acted like a complete ass until his parents had given up.

He could still feel the awkwardness of their goodbye. Watching his parents smile and hug Jeremy at the front door before their expressions each shifted subtly as they turned to him, his mother unable to keep the disappointment from her eyes when she hugged him, and his father barely concealing his anger and annoyance at Darius's refusal to join them on the trip as he told him to be good and not give Jeremy any shit while they were gone. Darius knew his mother would miss him in Boston and it made him sad to know he was hurting her, but he wondered whether his dad actually cared if he went along or if his anger stemmed more from Darius making his mom sad, or even just from Darius being an element in the man's life that he couldn't control. He could picture his dad enjoying a break from his middle child for the long weekend, even though he knew the man would never admit it. He had to like getting away from Darius sometimes. Darius gave him too much shit to believe that he didn't, sometimes on purpose and sometimes without meaning to. It wasn't like Darius didn't try with his dad. He did. Sometimes. He knew his dad loved him and most of the time he was pretty sure he loved the guy back, but sometimes being around him felt too hard. Much harder than being around his mom or Jeremy or Evie. Something about his dad brought him back to all the shit he'd gone through with his birth father. Not real fear. Not anymore. At this point, he knew his dad wouldn't hit him or treat him like his birth father had, he knew that the man would tolerate his bullshit without resorting to violence. But, sometimes when his dad was talking to him, especially if he was trying to tell him what to do, he felt something triggered deep down inside him, a rage rising in his body and the strong urge to either push back or just get the fuck away from him and decompress on his own. He was aware that his dad didn't really deserve it, but it wasn't a reaction he could always control. And, sometimes he just felt the intense, unexplainable urge to break away from his family altogether, to just check out of family life for a while, either by himself or with people who had no expectations of him and didn't care what he did.

When Dwayne and Curtis had approached him at his locker after basketball practice and invited him to tag along to the cemetery tonight, he had known right away that this would be the best outlet for how he was feeling that he was likely to get. The two seniors could usually be counted on to help him escape whatever was bothering him. He didn't know where they got it, but they always had stuff, and were usually willing to share free of charge with their younger friend. They had known each other since junior high basketball, lived on the same block, and while Darius wasn't sure they thought of him as a friend in the same way he did them, they were cool about letting him tag along with them sometimes. On the nights he was with them, their supplies typically included alcohol and pot, but sometimes when they were high Darius heard them allude to other nights, in reverent tones, when they had used acid or mushrooms and had _really_ checked out for a while. He knew the escape he had felt from smoking or getting buzzed off alcohol was probably nothing compared to what they had experienced. He really wanted to get in on those nights, had shown some interest when talk of those substances arose, but ultimately he was waiting to be asked since it wasn't like he had anything to contribute. He had no connections of his own and his parents didn't keep anything interesting in the house. His dad had occasionally kept beer in the fridge until his parents' anniversary last year when they had left Evie at Uncle Luke and Aunt Lorelai's while they went out to dinner and a show in Hartford and had come home to find five empty beer bottles in the recycling bin, a hole punched through the plaster of the living room wall and Darius passed out in bed. He could still remember them frowning with disappointment and concern the next morning over breakfast at his inability to explain what he had been thinking, why he had drank the beers, or what had made him angry enough to punch a wall. He had just wanted to get out of his own head, to not feel anything for a while, but they never seemed to understand that. His mom, a constant recognizer of anything she could consider a character strength in his behavior, had ended the conversation by thanking him for at least recycling the empties.

Tonight Darius had snuck out of the house after Jeremy had gone to sleep in their parents' room, walked down the street and waited in the dark outside of Curtis's house for the other boys' arrival. The night had started out in the typical manner as they'd gotten into Dwayne's car and headed to the cemetery on the outskirts of town, Darius reflecting on how cool and grown up it felt to have friends who drove. He hadn't expected them to meet up with so many other members of the senior class at the cemetery, or for some people to get as drunk as they had, or as loud. Darius had felt unnerved the entire time, unaccustomed to getting high or buzzed around so many people, and had at first limited himself to vaping as he struggled to unwind and lose himself in the sense of calm he usually found there. He remembered Curtis passing him a whiskey bottle, and things getting a little hazy after Darius took a few drinks from it. He still wasn't clear on what had started the fight, or who had pulled out spray paint, or why Keisha St. James had let out a piercing scream that belonged in a horror movie, but all of sudden everything felt out of control. He remembered getting caught up in a group of people trying to break up a fight between Travis Monroe and Khalil Johnson and two other boys that he didn't recognize, being knocked to the ground and kicked in the side, seeing giant crudely drawn letters spelling out 'fuck you' with one letter on each of several nearby headstones lined up in a neat row that he was pretty sure hadn't been there when they'd arrived, and so much yelling and moving and loud noise that he felt immobilized, heart beating fast in his chest. Then more yelling, more running, and bright lights when the cops arrived. Dwayne pulling Darius up off the ground by his arm, telling him to 'go, get the fuck out of here,' and Darius trying, but his body betraying him, tripping over his own feet as he tried to escape, a police officer behind him yelling for everyone to stop, and Darius immediately obeying, raising both hands palms out high above his head, the instinct kicking in from all the times his parents had drilled into him since he was ten or eleven how a black kid in a town that was more white than not needed to behave with the police. Watching Khalil and Dwayne do the same, even as two white kids darted around them to get away. Being grabbed roughly by the arm, an officer leading him toward the police cars, where he was corralled with about half the kids there while the rest scattered. He remembered being led past what looked like a sloppily drawn swastika on a gravestone and having the reality of the situation hit him hard enough to sober him up. This was so not good. And, then Jeremy bailing him out of jail, turning to face him in the car outside the police station, asking if he was ok and hugging him like he hadn't just snuck out on his brother's watch and spent the night getting high and drunk and being a party to a possible hate crime. Part of Darius felt grateful that his parents were away and that Jeremy was the only member of his family he had to deal with tonight, but the other little-boy part of him really wanted his mom.

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"I'm serious, Darius." Jess kept his voice firm, but neutral, not wanting to come across as annoyed as he watched his son roll over in bed to face him where he stood in the doorway in his running clothes and sneakers. He knew better than to approach Darius any closer than this to wake him up. The times he had been in his middle child's bedroom over the entire course of parenting him had been few and far between. "I was serious when we talked about this last night, and I'm still serious now." Jess tried to lighten his tone. This was supposed to be fun. "So, c'mon, kid. Get up, get dressed, and let's get going."

The boy didn't roll his eyes, or say anything. He just gave Jess a sullen look that spoke volumes about his thoughts on getting out of bed to join his father for a morning run. Jess felt the familiar conflicting emotions he often felt when parenting his middle child, part of him wanting to deal firmly with the boy, to really crack down on the kid with some do-what-your-told parenting and force Darius to toe the line of acceptable behavior, and part of him wanting to follow the therapists' advice on dealing with his scarred and traumatized son, respecting the boy's physical and emotional boundaries, holding space for his son and providing the sort of trauma-sensitive parenting that his son's therapists had always insisted the boy needed to feel safe and thrive. Mallory was strictly in the latter camp, and Jess had fallen in line with her, partly because he trusted the therapists' opinions on what Darius needed and partly because siding with his wife on this was the path of least resistance and minimal marital tension. Sometimes he felt like he had lost so much of his natural parenting style in trying to handle Darius with kid gloves that he barely even recognized himself. He wondered if his own behavior was helping or hurting his son.

"C'mon, Darius." Jess tried for encouraging instead of stern. He wanted this to be something the kid wanted to do with him, not something that felt like punishment. "Jeremy's waiting for us downstairs. It'll be fun." He immediately felt pathetic at trying to use his oldest son's presence to cajole the kid into doing something they had already agreed on last night at dinner, a week after Darius had skipped basketball tryouts and decided not to play his junior year and Jess had had enough of the kid's moodiness and overall shitty attitude as he moped around the house in the aftermath of his decision. Jess knew it wasn't a coincidence that Darius had lost interest in the basketball team the first year that Curtis and Dwayne were no longer at the high school. Jess had always felt it wasn't healthy for Darius to focus on friends two years older than he was, and now that Dwayne and Curtis had graduated and Darius was facing the fallout of being without them at school, Jess felt annoyed that Mallory hadn't supported him more, insisting that they shouldn't push Darius to make friends his own age. Now, the kid barely had any connections at school to get him through his junior and senior years and Jess knew how lonely that could be. If Darius didn't want to play basketball, Jess couldn't force him, but he also wouldn't let him sit around idle. Jess knew how much better he felt after he ran, how far endorphins likely would have gone in helping his own teenage anger and depression if he had started working out back then, and he was determined to pass this along to his son, pressing it on Darius the previous evening as the alternative to playing a school sport, emphasizing how good exercise can be for mental health, and inviting Jeremy along to make Darius's cooperation more likely.

The boy rolled onto his back, turned his head toward the ceiling. He squinted against the light and laid a forearm across his eyes. Jess sighed, shifting his weight onto one foot and leaning against the doorframe, settling in for a long conversation, but unwilling to give up. His eyes landed on Mr. Snuggles, the stuffed bunny that still sat on the comfy chair in his son's room, currently half covered by a well-worn hoodie. Jess thought about the night he had spent in that chair with Mr. Snuggles a couple of years ago when Mallory had been out of town and Darius had woken up with nightmares. How Darius had apologized for being difficult, had returned his I love you. What Jess had seen as a huge breakthrough in their relationship had ended up as just one positive step in a constant two steps forward, three steps back sort of dance. He remembered Darius pulling away the next day, partly from embarrassment and partly due to Jess's own mistakes, coming on too strong, too eager to capitalize on what he thought they had built during the night.

"Let me just get that stinky sweatshirt off your head for you, Mr. Snuggles." Jess decided to change strategies, making sure to announce his intentions before taking two steps into the room, picking up the discarded hoodie and letting it pool into a pile next to the stuffed bunny. He picked up the toy with one hand and used the other to fluff up the fur on the bunny's head as he took up his position in the doorway again, trying not to crowd his son or invade his personal space. "Let me just fix up your hair a little, here. That's it. Now, you're looking pretty sharp, Mr. Snuggles. All fluffy fur and big brown eyes." He shook his head and faked an exaggerated stern voice. "This is no way to treat your little friend over here, Darius. An old bunny like Mr. Snuggles deserves some respect."

The boy groaned and spoke without taking his arm off his eyes. "He's fine. Why are you doing this?"

Jess sighed again. He didn't know why connecting with this kid was so hard for him, why all his interactions with Darius always felt so fraught with tension and fear of saying the wrong thing. He hated how he got so eager to connect that he often ended up rambling on about nothing just to feel like he was engaging. Sometimes he even annoyed himself. If this was either of his other children, he would already be sitting on the edge of their bed, comfortable in his child's space, pulling off their covers, maybe playfully flicking an ear if it was Jeremy or tickling a foot if it was Evie. Jeremy had come from a shitty past, too, and he had been so easy to win over, so grateful and willing to engage with Jess, right from the start. Jess's mind went back to a moment with Jeremy when his oldest child had first come to live with him, the two of them washing dishes in the kitchen of the apartment in Philly, Jeremy thanking Jess for being so 'nice' to him. It wasn't that Jess wanted Darius to feel grateful to him exactly. He knew no child should have to feel grateful for getting the kind of family that everyone deserved. He just wanted some kind of positive response from his son, a real connection. He wanted some kind of payoff for his years of mindful parenting and patience. He knew it was selfish, but he wanted some kind of validation that he was a decent father. He wanted to feel loved by his son. He didn't know why he always failed with his middle child, but some days the constant struggle left him feeling exhausted and unlikable.

Jess held Mr. Snuggles with both hands under the bunny's armpits, the way he would pick up a small child, looking into the stuffed animal's eyes as he tried to mentally fortify himself for the rest of the conversation.

"You know what I was just thinking about, Darius?" Jess asked, trying to keep his voice warm and loving.

Darius let out a low groan at his father's persistence.

"Do you remember when you were little and we used to do yoga together?" Jess could still picture his small, eight-year-old son watching him tentatively from the couch as Jess modeled poses and mindful breathing, then joining him on the floor, his little belly moving in and out with his breath, skinny arms slowly raising up over his head in rhythm with Jess's. "Remember how it used to make you feel better? All relaxed and adorably calm?"

Jess watched the boy's one uncovered shoulder, clad in a striped henley, move up and down in a slow shrug. "That wasn't real yoga." Darius's voice was still hoarse from sleep, but not hostile, and Jess saw hope in that.

"Oh, c'mon." Jess exaggerated his playful tone and hoped he wasn't trying too hard. Sometimes he couldn't tell. "It was _totally_ yoga. Basic, little-kid-type yoga, sure, but still yoga. Those exercises helped me calm down and regulate my emotions when I got frustrated or upset. I used to do those same exercises we got from your therapist sometimes when I was by myself because I found them so useful." Jess kept playing with the stuffed bunny for something to do with his hands, to keep himself from fidgeting. "And, I get the same kind of emotional release from running. I think you will, too. I think it will be good for you, especially now that you're not playing basketball. I think you need a physical outlet to burn off some of your energy. I know I do. I know I would have benefited a lot from running when I was your age, when my emotions, especially my anger, were really all over the place, and I felt like I couldn't stand school, or my mother, or Luke, or anything in my life, including myself." Jess watched Darius slowly lower his forearm off his face. "And, I love you and I really want to share this with you Darius."

The boy sighed loudly as he watched him, and Jess worried he was losing him.

"We can stop whenever you're ready to today."

No response from Darius.

"We can start out with something short and then add distance every time we go out."

An exasperated breath from his son.

"We can even pick up donuts on the way home if you want."

A look Jess couldn't read.

"And, I know I already said this, but I really love you and I want to share this with you, son. It would really mean a lot to me if you'd come out with me and give it a try this morning." Jess could hear the plaintiveness in his own voice and hoped he hadn't crossed the line into pathetically needy territory. He was aware that when it came to Darius, he often couldn't see the line until it was in his rearview.

The sigh that followed was exaggerated for dramatic effect and Jess felt hope rising in his chest. "Fine. Can I have ten minutes of privacy to get ready?"

"Yeah, yeah, of course." Jess felt himself smiling widely. "I'll just leave Mr. Snuggles right here." He stepped back into the room and set the stuffed bunny back down on his chair. "And, I'll wait for you downstairs." Jess walked out of his son's room, pulling the door shut behind him, a huge grin on his face. He knew there was a chance the kid would just go back to sleep now that Jess was out of his face, but he tried to hold onto the faith that Darius would keep his word, that this morning would be another step forward. He headed downstairs to wait.

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The announcement hit Jess like a punch in the gut. He tried not to let his distress manifest itself in his expression, picking up his mug of tea and taking a slow sip to mask any wayward emotion that might try to appear on his face. Jeremy looked happy but nervous and Jess wondered whether the nerves were related to the plans he had shared with Jess or to the anticipation of Jess's reaction to those plans. He knew he needed to be supportive here, to not let his own feelings influence his son's decision. He tried to keep his mood light as he set his mug back down on the coffee table. There would be time to be maudlin later, when Jeremy had gone back to the apartment he shared with Kristie and Jess had gone upstairs to join Mallory in bed. He didn't want to let his son down about something this big.

"Huh. I knew I never trusted that girl." Jess kept his tone playful and sarcastic.

Jeremy huffed out a laugh. "You're so full of crap! You've always liked Kristie."

"Yeah, well, that was before she decided to steal my kid and drag him halfway around the world."

Jeremy was smiling at him warmly, and Jess knew his son recognized how hard this was going to be for him. He appreciated hearing this news alone and the patience he trusted Jeremy to show him while he digested it. "Los Angeles is _so not_ halfway around the world, Jess." Jess thought about how Jeremy always referred to him and Mallory as mom and dad in front of his siblings, but still sometimes reverted back to Jess when it was just the two of them. He had stopped being sensitive to his son's choice of address years ago, and on nights like this, the use of Jess felt intimate, as he reflected on them having come full circle from being Jess and Jeremy, two random strangers in Philadelphia, to the father and son they were now. "And, she's not exactly dragging me." The kid's smile intensified. "I love her, and I can't imagine not going with her and having her in my life. And, this is a really great opportunity for her. UCLA is the highest ranked MBA program she got accepted into, with the best offer of financial aid. She has to go. And, I want to go with her."

Jess was silent a moment, studying his son, reflecting on how much was about to change in his own life. Jeremy moving away. Darius leaving for college the following year. Evie hitting double digits at her next birthday, no longer a little kid who never found fault with anything Jess did. He could feel the grief bearing down on him, but he knew he couldn't make this about him.

"Los Angeles, huh?" Jess was struggling for an appropriate response.

"Yeah, but only for two years. We talked about what we wanted to do after and we both want to head back here once she's done with school. I mean, probably not to Woodbury or Stars Hollow exactly, but maybe to New York or Hartford or even Boston. A big enough city that Kristie can get a good job in finance, but definitely in this general area."

"Oh, yeah?" Jess shifted on the couch to angle himself toward the chair Jeremy was sitting in, giving his son his full attention.

"Yeah. We want to start a family when she's done with her MBA and we both want to do that somewhere within driving distance to both our families. So, Los Angeles will just be like an extra-long vacation, or a little adventure or something."

Jess thought about how the best of plans seldom worked out the way a person intended. How, he himself, had always planned to get as far away from Stars Hollow as possible, to live his life in anonymous, big cities, surrounded by faceless people and unlimited distractions. And, how circumstances had brought him back to Stars Hollow, and his love for Jeremy and Mallory had kept him there. He could already see Kristie getting a job in Los Angeles, Jeremy feeling a sense of purpose with whatever social service agency hired him, both falling in love with the weather, neither one eager to return to winters of sub-freezing temperatures and shoveling out their cars after it snowed. Starting a family and making a life on the west coast. Grandchildren he would only see a couple of times a year. The thought gave him a physical ache in his chest. He studied the boy, not really a boy anymore, but a man of thirty-three, and knew that this plan guaranteed nothing. It wasn't lost on him that his son was at the same age Jess himself had been when he had made huge, life-altering changes to his own life, adopting Jeremy and moving back to Stars Hollow. He hadn't exactly had a plan or known what he was doing, but things had worked out well for him anyway.

"You're sure about this?" Jess asked. "That you want to be that far away from your family for that long?"

Jess knew what his son was thinking even before the kid spoke. Kristie was Jeremy's family now, too. His I-want-this-person-in-my-life-everyday type of family, while Jess and the rest of his family were slipping into a new status, as phone-calls-and-occasional-visits type of family. It was normal. It was how things were supposed to go when kids grew up. And Jess had been able to hold onto his child for longer than most parents got to. He knew that, but the knowledge did nothing to ease the pain of knowing that soon he wouldn't have his son in his life on a regular basis. Having Jeremy only a few blocks away for the past few years had been a special privilege, with the kid dropping by for dinner on nights when Kristie stayed at her office late, sitting with Jess and Mallory at Evie's soccer games and Darius's basketball games when he had played, and occasionally meeting up for a drink, just the two of them, at the secret bar, or a burger at Luke's to catch up with their uncle and reminisce about old times. The feeling of immense loss hit Jess on such a visceral level that he felt queasy. Jeremy would always hold the I-want-this-person-in-my-life-everyday status with Jess.

"Yeah. I really can't picture being away from Kristie for two whole years." Jess registered a flash of guilt on Jeremy's face and felt a measure of his own guilt that he wasn't hiding his disappointment as well as he thought. "And, like I said, it's temporary. I think it might actually be good for me, you know. To prove that I can be out on my own like this."

Jess frowned. "Who do you feel like you need to prove that to?"

"I don't know." Jeremy shrugged. "Myself, I guess. Most kids leave home much earlier than I did. For college and stuff. And, I know I wasn't ready back then. I couldn't deal with the idea of even being a long bus ride away from you. But, I think I'm ready now. I think I can handle this. I think it will be good for me and Kristie, too, to have this cool bonding experience of living somewhere far away together, just the two of us, with just each other to rely on."

"I seem to recall you and Harrison moving a few hours away for the last two years of college. That happened, right? I didn't imagine that, did I? Because I gotta say the separation was pretty traumatic for me at the time."

Jeremy blushed slightly. "Yes, that happened, but it was more like an hour and a half away, and I wasn't exactly on my own."

"Ah, because Harrison was in your way?" Jess's tone was teasing.

Jeremy laughed. "No, because you and Mallory and Andrew and Celeste were still helping us out so much. You came out to see me at least once a month. And, you were still paying for school and giving me money sometimes, and buying me toilet paper and food when you visited. And, I came home a lot, and we spent the whole summer back at Uncle Luke's." Jeremy paused. "It was something, sure, but it wasn't really being on my own as an adult."

"Aren't you cheating this time, too, because you'll have Kristie with you? Maybe you should leave her here to ensure you come back for frequent visits?"

Jeremy smirked and Jess could see how excited his son was for the next chapter of his life. Jess felt a spark of pride at how well adjusted the kid had turned out to feel safe enough to move almost three thousand miles away. He liked to think he'd had a hand in that. Jess's mind took him back to his little boy on the side of the road outside Stars Hollow, sobbing over how alone he was in the world, and he felt an overwhelming surge of gratitude for the out of character way he had rushed into one of the best decisions of his life when he'd made a lifelong commitment to the young man in front of him.

"I'm _so_ glad you're accepting this like a mature adult, Dad."

Jess smiled. "What will you do while Kristie's in school?"

"Uh, get a job. What else? I've already been researching Los Angeles and they have the biggest foster care system in the country so there's no shortage of social work jobs out there. I'm sure I can find something. I'm going to start applying for jobs before we head out, but I'm not too worried about that. I have experience and good references."

Jess nodded. "And, you're sure about Kristie, right?"

Jeremy laughed. "Yes, Dad. I'm sure about Kristie. We've been together almost nine years now. We've lived together for five. I'd say I'm pretty sure about Kristie."

"Ok, ok. Just checking." Jess smirked, then feigned genuine curiosity. "And, Kristie? She's sure about you?"

Jeremy smiled. "I can't speak for her, but it's my understanding that she's equally sure about me."

"Good to know. What about your Uncle Luke?" Jess asked.

Jeremy gave him a puzzled, almost offended, look. "He doesn't know yet. You're the first person I've told."

Jess kept his tone light. "Thank you. I appreciate that, son. But what I meant was the guy's not getting any younger. You sure you want to leave him right now? You never know when old people are going to take a turn for the worse."

Jeremy barked out a loud laugh, then lowered his voice out of consideration for his mother and younger siblings sleeping upstairs. "Wow, that's low!"

Jess held up a hand, palm out. "Hey, I'm just making sure you're looking at this from every possible angle."

"Uncle Luke's only seventy, Dad!" Jeremy grinned. "He still works at the diner almost every day. He still travels to Boston to see April and Nantucket with Lorelai to see Emily. Uncle Luke is fine. And, I'm telling him you said that."

"Disloyal little shit." Jess said with no heat. They were quiet for a long moment before Jess spoke again. "I love you so much."

Jeremy's expression turned serious to match Jess's. "I know. Me, too."

"I'm going to miss the shit out of you, kid." Jess's voice was thick with emotion.

Jess watched his son's eyes start to shine with pooled moisture. "I know. Me too."

Jess looked at his son, mentally juxtaposing the grown man in front of him with the scared and nervous teenager he had adopted fifteen years ago and thinking about how fast time moves and how much he wished he could slow it down.

"But, it's…...ok, right?" Jeremy asked. "I mean, you're ok with it, right?"

Jess took in the nervous apprehension on his son's face and his mind went back to so many younger versions of the kid asking the same permission over the years, wanting something for himself, but not wanting to risk putting Jess out or appearing ungrateful for what he had.

"Yes, Jeremy. It's ok." Jess smiled his warmest smile, wanting to reassure Jeremy that he should get to have what he wanted, that he didn't need to worry about Jess. "_I'm_ ok. Or, I will be once I wrap my head around this. I'm in favor of whatever makes you happy. Always." Jess could tell his son was about to get emotional, and he gave him an encouraging smile. "And, you can't shake me this easy, Jeremy. I hope you know that by now. I'm going to miss you like crazy, kid, but I'll be calling, texting and facetiming you pretty much constantly and heading out to L.A. to visit you so often that you're going to feel like you never left Connecticut. So, yes, it's ok."

Jeremy rose from his chair and moved to the couch, lunging at Jess for a hug so fiercely that he knocked the man back against the couch cushion. Jess wrapped his arms around his oldest child, cupping the back of the boy's head with one hand, thinking about how much he would miss this over the next two years, being able to see his kid and hug him whenever he wanted to. How much it was going to hurt to have a piece of his heart ripped out of his chest and walking around on its own on the other side of the country where anything could happen to it.

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"So, he's doing ok?" Jess was perched on a diner stool, his hands circling his mug of coffee, trying not to be obvious as he shot a glance to the other end of the counter where Darius was leaning against it, earbuds in, head down, intently focused on his phone in the half empty diner.

"He's doing fine." Luke said.

"Yeah? And, his attitude's been all right?" Jess studied his uncle for signs that the man was holding something back.

Luke gave Jess an indulgent smile. "His attitude's been fine, Jess."

"I mean his attitude towards customers _and_ towards you." Jess clarified. "He's being polite? Respectful? He's doing what you tell him to do?"

"He's a teenager, Jess, but his attitude's fine." Luke's tone had turned to that of a long-suffering parent, but Jess had the distinct feeling that the person his uncle was suffering at the moment was Jess instead of Darius. "He's fine. He's good. He's doing a good job."

"What about now?" Jess tilted his head toward his middle child. "Shouldn't he be cleaning up or checking on customers or something. Are you seriously going to let him get away with spending all that time on his phone?"

"Hey, nephew, here's a crazy idea. How about you run the bookstore and I run my diner?" Luke smirked. "How's that sound? Does that work for you?"

Jess frowned at his uncle.

Luke sighed. "It isn't like having Jeremy working here when he was a kid, I'll give you that much. But, that's ok. He's a different kid. Darius isn't as interested in hanging around talking to an old man. He isn't as into bonding with me when it's slow. He'd rather be on his phone. But, I get the impression that's pretty normal for kids his age nowadays, to always be glued to their phones like that. And, sometimes when the place is really dead, I sneak some conversation in there anyway. Sometimes he's good with it, but sometimes I can tell he just wants me to go away and give him some space. So, I do. It's fine."

"I still can't believe you let him use a cell phone in here to begin with."

"There have always been special rules for nephews." Luke smiled warmly. "And, I gave up trying to regulate my customers' cell phone use years ago when I realized I was fighting a losing battle."

"I just want to make sure he's doing ok and that he's learning some responsibility while he's working here." Jess looked back toward Darius. "I want him to learn how satisfying a job well done can feel."

Luke laughed and Jess shifted his eyes quickly from his son to Luke as he saw the boy briefly look up at the sound. "Hey, keep it down." Jess whispered. "I don't want him to think we're talking about him."

Luke gave Jess a teasing smile. "I'm sorry, nephew. I was just thinking back to when you worked for me. I don't exactly remember you being a model employee. I seem to remember you standing in the same spot your son is in now, but with a book in your hand instead of a phone. And, I know I'm getting old and my memory's not what it used to be, but I'm having trouble remembering you clocking out after your shift just beaming with pride over a job well done. It was more like you grumbling that I made you work here and trying to leave early to meet up with Rory or Shane. Am I remembering that wrong? Am I having a senior moment right now?" Luke feigned distress at his memory loss, then laughed at his own joke.

"Hey, laugh all you want." Jess said. "I just worry about him."

"I know you do, Jess." Luke's expression became serious and Jess took in the concern there.

"He just doesn't seem to actually _care_ about anything." Jess said. "He gets decent enough grades, mostly to make Mallory happy, but he doesn't really _care_ about school. He certainly doesn't _like_ school. He stopped going to his equine therapy a few years ago. He refuses to go to any kind of therapy. He stopped playing basketball last year. I can talk him into joining me for a run maybe once a month if I'm lucky and even then it's only if I bug the shit out of him until he gives in. He doesn't seem to have any interests other than locking himself in his room, driving me crazy, and whatever the hell he does on his phone all the time. He doesn't seem to have any real friends and he spends so much time alone."

Luke was smiling again.

"What? What's so funny now?" Jess asked.

"Take out having a lockable bedroom door, throw in a lot more hair gel, and you do realize that you just described yourself at his age, right?" Luke asked.

Jess sighed, knowing he didn't have a rebuttal for that argument. It was actually the thing that worried him the most about Darius, how his attitude and life choices seemed to be aligning more and more with those of Jess's own adolescence the older he got. Jess knew the kind of alienation and depression those choices could lead to and he hated seeing his son make the same mistakes he had made, shutting everyone out and distancing himself from the people and things around him, especially the people who cared about him. Jess knew he had been spoiled by Jeremy, a kid who could usually be trusted to make a better decision than Jess would have made in his shoes. Jess knew Darius was much more like him.

"Yeah, I know." Jess decided to be honest. "That's kind of why I worry about him. I worry that his life might get a lot worse before it gets better. Like mine did." Jess's memory went back to how alienated he had felt at Darius's age, all the anger, all the fights, the long lonely bus ride to California, begging Jimmy for a floor to sleep on, shutting out Luke and Liz. "I feel like I should be doing more for him. He's not a happy kid, Luke, and I feel responsible for that. I feel like I should be, I don't know, guiding him better, and helping him more, especially since I've kind of been where he is."

"Lots of teenagers aren't happy kids, Jess. It's a tough age. You weren't exactly a happy kid at his age either. I know I certainly wasn't. And we still turned out all right."

Jess's gaze drifted to his son. He watched Darius pull off his earbuds and tuck them and his phone into the pocket of his apron. "Sometimes I feel like I'm letting him down. Like I'm failing him as his dad." Jess felt a rush of embarrassment as his voice wavered with emotion.

"Oh, Jess." Jess turned his attention back toward Luke, feeling uncomfortable with the sympathy his admission had elicited from his uncle. "You love him, Jess. You're there for him for whatever he needs. I know that he knows that. Sometimes that's all you can do with teenagers. You can't always get them to do what you want them to do, even if you know it's the best thing for them, you can't take away the pain they're dealing with from the past that had nothing to do with you, and you definitely can't make them happy if they're not. But, being a teenager doesn't last forever. How he feels now is going to pass. Sometimes with kids, you don't reap what you sow right away. Sometimes it takes time. It did for me with you. But, he's a good kid, a smart kid, a _loved_ kid. He has good parents who will never give up on him. He'll find what interests him, what makes him happy. He'll figure stuff out in his own time. Just like you did."

Jess watched his son standing at Kirk's table, order pad and pencil in hand, nodding and smiling amicably at whatever Kirk was saying, presenting all the outward signs of a happy, well adjusted teenage boy. Jess sighed. "I certainly hope you're right."

Luke's expression softened. "Darius is doing just fine, Jess. So are you. I hope you know that, nephew."

Jess really wanted to believe him.

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"Did you ever just want to smack me when I was a kid?" Jess tried to keep his tone light, neutral. He sat at Luke's kitchen table, absently using his thumbnail to pick at the seam of the label on his beer bottle.

Luke huffed out a laugh. "What? No! Of course I never wanted to smack you! What kind of question is that?"

Jess raised an eyebrow at his uncle, regretting asking the question and trying to change course and play it off as a joke. "Really? Never? C'mon, Luke, I'm not buying that. I was such a little asshole back then."

Luke smiled. "You weren't always easy. I'll give you that."

"You _never_ wanted to smack me around?" Jess wheedled, playing up the ludicrousness of the suggestion. "Not even once?"

"Maybe. On occasion." Luke laughed, still taking the question as a joke. "Possibly every time you spoke to me for the first year or so that you lived with me. Or, I guess I should say every time you _refused_ to speak to me and just scowled at me and rolled your eyes like a little punk."

"Huh. Well." Jess watched Luke take a sip of his beer and pretended to seriously process what his uncle had said. "Thank you for both your current honesty and your past restraint."

Jess listened to his uncle laughing as he took a sip of his beer, his eye catching a homemade birthday card addressed to 'Auntie Lorelai' from Evie hanging on Luke and Lorelai's refrigerator. The drawing on the front was Evie's depiction of herself and Lorelai at the sewing machine. In the absence of a maternal grandmother and the presence of Liz, Evie had latched onto Lorelai as a grandma-type person, and having Lorelai teach her how to sew was currently her favorite way to bond with her aunt. This didn't bother Jess the way he had expected it to when Evie had first started wanting to spend time with Lorelai. He appreciated it. He appreciated Lorelai. He felt mature at being able to admit that. His mind went back to the time he had come home to find Lorelai comforting Mallory at their kitchen table as she cried about missing her mom and how heartbroken she was that her mom never got to meet her daughter. He had appreciated Lorelai then, too.

Jess brought his gaze back to his uncle and found the man studying him closely, his eyes serious, his mouth a straight line. "Why are you asking me this, Jess? Did something happen?"

Jess felt a wave of shame at the question, but he knew he had brought it on himself. He shouldn't have brought this up, even to Luke. It was too humiliating. Jess looked away. "You mean did I hit Darius?"

"I mean, why are you asking me this, Jess?" Luke's expression was a mix of sternness and concern.

Jess sighed and looked at his uncle. "I didn't hit Darius. I've never hit any of my kids, Luke. But, the other night, we were arguing." Jess took a steadying breath. "I was insisting he come with Mallory and Evie and me to the author reading at the bookstore. The whole night was geared towards a teenage audience with coming of age fiction, stuff about people Darius's age leaving home, gaining independence, that kind of thing. I chose every selection with him in mind. I really thought the event would appeal to him and maybe inspire him to actually like reading."

Luke nodded. "I remember you telling me about that. You were so excited for it. What? Darius didn't want to go?"

"To say he didn't want to go is putting it nicely. I get it now. I was so clueless to push it. I wasn't thinking about things from his perspective. I had put up posters at the high schools in Woodbury and Stars Hollow and he doesn't really have friends there. Of course he wouldn't want to go to this event with me and Mallory when he knew there'd be kids from school there. I wouldn't have wanted to go either if I were him. But, I could only see my side. I was busy pushing my own agenda, and I didn't really hear him when he first told me he didn't want to go. I kind of blew him off earlier in the week, telling him it would be fun, something to do together as a family. That I thought this would be really _good_ for him."

"Don't beat yourself up, Jess." Luke started to visibly relax. "I think all parents try to force things on their kids that they think are good for them at some point. I know I have. What did Darius say?"

"Well, when I told him to get ready that night, Darius made it really clear, at very high volume, that he wasn't going. That I was stupid to think he would want to go to something like that. He told me that he had seen a poster in the hallway at school and that he'd ripped it down and thrown it out. He told me that I didn't understand him at all and that I needed to back the fuck off and stay out of his life. I tried to stay calm but he was being such a little shit. Just such a complete jerk, Luke. I get that he was probably deflecting to hide his embarrassment about not having friends or being comfortable going when kids from school would be there, but his attitude was horrible." Luke nodded understandingly and for some reason it only made Jess feel worse. "He was completely out of control. He lost it like I haven't seen in a long time. It felt like when we first got him all over again, except this time he was lashing out verbally instead of kicking me in the face. He was just…...really vicious and awful. He told me that I should focus on my own life and stop trying to tell him how to live his. That he didn't give a shit about stuff I was into, like reading or running. He accused me of always trying to change him, and never accepting him the way he is. He told me that he had read the books I wrote, the ones about kids in foster care, I'm not sure he even knows about The Subsect. He told me they sucked. That they were clueless adoption propaganda. That I have no idea what it's like to be in foster care, or how miserable someone can still feel even after they get adopted. That my writing is a joke."

Luke frowned. "What were you saying through all that?"

"At first, I was able to stay calm and I was just trying to calm him down, too, without putting my hands on him or getting in his face. Then, he just kept going on and on, saying all these terrible things. Telling me how selfish I am. How I'm the kind of person who only adopted so I could feel good about myself and brag about it. He was so angry, Luke." "He said that I don't really love him. That I never care about what he wants. I just keep trying to force him to be who I want. That I probably asked for a black kid so that everyone would be able to see that he was adopted and see what a good guy I am. It was so bad, Luke. Just….so bad. It was all so…...mean and ugly and terrible. It was like he had been saving up all this hatred and anger towards me for years, since the day he met me, and he just unloaded on me." Jess took a deep breath. "And, I couldn't hold it together. I started yelling back. Shit about him being the selfish one, not me. I remember calling him an…...ungrateful little shit. Telling him that I'm sorry his life isn't perfect, but I do the best I can for him. He yelled back that my best sucks. I told him that he doesn't make it easy on me with the way he acts, and he told me that it's not his job to make me feel good about myself. That I shouldn't have adopted a child to validate myself." Jess paused and looked down at his beer, too embarrassed to make eye contact during the next part. "I told him that I should just stop bothering. That I've been trying with him for nine years and all it ever gets me is complete shit from him. I basically implied that I didn't know if it was worth the effort of being his dad. At one point I called him a manipulative little asshole. He called me pretentious, a phony, said he wished I wasn't his dad. He said he didn't know what Mallory even saw in me. That she was probably going to leave me once Evie was grown up. That Mallory could do a lot better than some loser who worked the register at a bookstore. I've never wanted to hit one of my kids so much, Luke…...to just reach out and smack him across the face. To just shut him up. The idea felt so…..satisfying. It was terrifying how much I wanted to…..."

Jess looked back up at his uncle, expecting to see disappointment in his expression, but seeing more concern than anything else. "But, you didn't do it, right?"

Jess shook his head. "No. I didn't."

"Where was Mallory during all this?" Luke asked.

"She was in the shower, getting ready to go out. She came in at the end." Jess paused, took a breath. "I can't say for sure how things would have ended if she hadn't." He thought back to a similar situation, in what seemed like a lifetime ago, when Mallory had come between him and Jeremy the night his oldest child had driven home drunk from a party. Even though Jeremy had done something so much worse than what Darius had done, something that could have killed someone, Jess knew with certainty that he wouldn't have hit his son that night in Luke's apartment whether or not Mallory had intervened. He didn't have the same conviction this time around. This fight had gotten so much uglier and he had felt so personally attacked. The fight had been triggered by Darius's refusal to accompany his family to the event at the bookstore, but Jess realized it was about so much more than that. It had felt like the culmination of a decade of failing miserably at being Darius's dad. "I mean, I really wanted to just smack him, Luke. I've never really want to hit him before, ever, but I really…." Jess felt a queasiness that threatened to overwhelm him. The words felt stuck in his throat. "I wanted to hurt him, to just shut his fucking mouth for him. I feel so awful about it. What kind of parent lets himself get so out of control that they want to hurt their child?"

Luke was leaning forward, forearms on the table, determined expression on his face, his beer forgotten. "No one can ever know for sure how things could have gone differently, but you know how they _did_ go, Jess. You didn't hit your son. Did you even threaten to hit him, or give any indication that you wanted to?"

Jess had a flash to his childhood, of all the men who had threatened to smack him or raised a hand menacingly just to make him cower even though they hadn't followed through. The result had mostly been the same as being hit anyway. Jess could remember feeling the same fear and humiliation. The same feeling of worthlessness.

"No. I don't think so. I think he'd probably be surprised to know what I was thinking. I feel like that was at least one thing that he was past worrying about with me." Jess felt guilt swirling in his stomach at the idea of how Darius would feel if he knew how much Jess had wanted to hurt him.

"Have you guys talked since then? Apologized to each other?" Luke asked.

Jess sighed. "I ended up going to the bookstore by myself that night. I tried to talk to him when I got home later, but he had locked himself in his room. Mallory said he had been in there all evening, that he wouldn't even talk to her. She told me to give him some space. I waited up for hours, thinking he would need to come out to eat something or use the bathroom, but he never did. I fell asleep on the couch, and he was up and out before I woke up the next morning. I finally caught up with him last night. I could tell he didn't want to have anything to do with me. He looked pissed and kind of…..weary and just…..hurt and closed off all at the same time. I apologized for the stuff I'd said. I told him that I know we both lost control and said things we didn't mean. I told him that I loved him. So much. How grateful I am that I get to be his dad. How happy he makes me. That I would never give up on him. That I will love him and do the best I can for him for the rest of my life. I could tell he thought I was full of shit. That I was just trying to be a good guy, like he accused me of. I asked if maybe he was sorry for some of the stuff he said, to see if I could get him to apologize, too. He said he was, but I think he only said it because he knew it was expected of him or that Mallory would be disappointed if he didn't. And all he said was 'sorry' like he'd just bumped into someone at the grocery store or something. His didn't _look_ sorry. He didn't _sound_ sorry. He just stood there staring at me like he hated me. And, I can't say I blame him." Jess ran a hand through his hair, cupping the back of his neck in self comfort. "I feel like I wrecked everything." Jess could hear the raw emotion in his voice. It still felt unbelievable that he had destroyed everything he had spent almost a decade trying to build with his son in just a few short minutes of losing his shit.

"Oh, Jess." The sympathy was clear in Luke's voice. Jess appreciated it even though he knew he didn't deserve it. He had thought about calling Jeremy to talk this over, but he had felt too ashamed and come to Luke instead. This wasn't how he wanted Jeremy to see him.

"Darius leaves for college in four months. That's not enough time to recover from this before he's gone. I said terrible things. Apologizing doesn't make him unhear them." Jess could feel his emotions welling up. He focused on taking another sip of his beer to keep from further embarrassing himself by breaking down in front of his uncle. He still couldn't believe how badly he had fucked everything up. He thought back to Darius, so angry he was practically shaking, screaming at him that his best sucks. Jess couldn't help but think the boy might have a point.


	24. Chapter 24 - The Wrap Up

**Chapter Note: **I am 99% sure this is my last post. I have been editing it for weeks now because I was reluctant to let go, but I really feel like I am done now. I have been writing in this fandom since January of 2017 and have written over 750k words in all my stories combined. In the process, I have been able to work through a lot of my own feelings and issues and I want to thank everyone out there reading for giving me that opportunity. I'm no good at journaling, or writing anything without a reader, and I never would have been able to keep at my writing as long as I have without knowing there were people out there hearing me and sharing their thoughts on my stories. As 2019 closes, one of the things I am most grateful for is the support I have received for my stories and the catharsis I have felt from writing them. I want to extend my sincere thanks to every thoughtful and generous soul out there who has taken the time to leave me a comment on any of my stories. I want you to know that I appreciate you.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls.

This had long been one of Jess's favorite ways to have a conversation with Mallory. Lying in bed, just the two of them, his hand cupping the curve of her hip, her palm warm on the side of his neck. Faces close in the dark. No distractions. Just being alone together, soaking up the warmth of being with the woman he loved. But, tonight what he most appreciated was being able to hide in the dark. He didn't want to burden Mallory with his own shit, but he wasn't sure how well he could conceal his emotions.

"I really think it's ok, Jess." The sympathetic tone of Mallory's voice reminded him that he was rarely ever successful in hiding his feelings from her. "Honestly. I don't think it's about avoiding you. He's not wrong about it being a long way to come for just a few days."

Jess nodded, thinking about his middle child in a dorm room in Arizona, at a college that Jess had never laid eyes on because his son had wanted to fly out on his own. Darius had been determined to go out of state for college and had accepted a spot at the furthest school from Connecticut that would have him. Jess had been secretly hoping that the amount of debt the kid would have to take on to supplement what he and Mallory could afford for out of state tuition would discourage him enough to stay local. He had felt like an ass at how disappointed he had been when Luke and Mallory's dad had stepped in to help fund Darius's education. The boy had still taken out some student loans, not wanting to take advantage of his uncle and grandfather, and in the end Jess had been grateful for their help, which had made the difference between Arizona State and a school in the Midwest with worryingly low racial diversity that had offered Darius a generous financial aid package.

"Yeah." Jess agreed, his voice low in the dark. "It's definitely a long way." Jess couldn't help but think of all the weekends April had been willing to fly back from New Mexico to be with Luke during her high school years and how it hadn't felt like too long of a trip to her.

"And, he's only been out there for a few months. I think being on his own is still feeling pretty new and exciting." Mallory gave him a small smile. "He just isn't ready to come home yet."

Jess nodded, wordlessly. He had known things would be different when Darius left home than they had been with Jeremy. That there was a good chance that Darius would never be part of his everyday life again. Darius didn't text him everyday and call him a few times a week like Jeremy did. He couldn't see Darius moving back to stay in Luke's apartment once he graduated. He wondered if there would ever be a time when Darius would want to move back home, or if this is what his relationship with his middle child would look like for the rest of his life.

"What about if we go out there, instead?" Jess searched Mallory's eyes, trying to read her reaction, then rushed on before she had a chance to shoot down the idea. "We take Evie, your dad, too, if he wants to come. Jeremy and Kristie could meet us in Arizona. It would be a much shorter trip for them from L.A.." Jess could feel his plan gaining momentum. "I bet they'd like that. We could take everyone out to dinner for Thanksgiving. Darius could give us all a tour of the campus, show us his dorm room. We could get a suite at a hotel and he could stay with us, too." He started to feel a little manic in his urgency to convince Mallory. "I know it would be expensive, but this will be the first year that we're not all together for a major holiday. I don't want to set this precedent already. Not when Darius and Evie are still so young. I want us to have a real family holiday-" He stopped himself when he saw Mallory's expression, her eyes sad, her mouth turned down slightly at the corners.

"I made that same offer to Darius on the phone." Mallory's voice was soft and gentle, as if delivering bad news to someone she wasn't convinced could handle it. "It would have been crazy expensive for us to all fly out there, but I figured you would be on board with the idea. But, he turned me down. I think he really just wants to go home with his roommate for Thanksgiving weekend. Another friend of theirs who can't afford the bus ride back home to see his own family is going to go, too, and I get the impression that Darius is looking forward to spending the holiday off campus with them."

"Oh." Jess said. "Ok." He sighed. "It was just a thought."

"But, I didn't let him off the phone until he promised that he'll be home for Christmas." Mallory gave Jess an encouraging smile. "So, we've got that to look forward to. A whole month of family time. We'll go over to Stars Hollow and drag the kids to every single Christmas or winter related event they've got. Tree lightings, hot chocolate, snowman building contests, sledding. We'll make all kinds of memories. And, after the holiday, we'll have Darius for another two weeks. We'll Scrabble it up, drag him to Evie's basketball games, maybe we can take a day trip into New York or Boston if the weather holds up. We'll do all kinds of family stuff and make all kinds of memories. It will be good. So good. I promise."

"Yeah. That sounds good." Jess couldn't picture his middle child agreeing to participate in half the activities Mallory had just listed, but he tried to convince himself she was right in an effort to pull himself out of his negative headspace.

"And, it's a positive thing that he's getting along this well with his roommate. It makes me so happy that they're close enough for Darius to get invited home for Thanksgiving. I love that Darius has friends that he feels that comfortable with." Jess watched his wife smile with genuine happiness, her eyes catching the light from the street lamp outside the window. "I love hearing about how well he's doing. Making friends and enjoying his classes and getting good grades. I think he's adjusting to college really well. When he called tonight, he sounded…...happy." Mallory's smile intensified. "Happier than he ever seemed in high school."

"That's good. I'm glad he's happy." Jess tried to keep his voice neutral, to not give in to self-pity. "But, doesn't it freak you out, even just a little, that he needed to move almost three-thousand miles away from us to be happy?"

The smile slowly faded from Mallory's face and Jess immediately felt like shit for bringing her down. "I'm not freaked out. Really. Lots of kids go away to school. He's at the age where he's supposed to be pulling away from his parents. Some kids need actual physical distance to do that. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love us or want us in his life, Jess. You know that, right?"

"I know it doesn't mean he doesn't love _you_ or want _you_ in his life." Jess instantly felt childish, and a little embarrassed.

"Oh, Jess…..." Mallory moved her hand to rest on his cheek, her thumb rubbing gently over his cheekbone. He felt his face instinctively turning into her touch.

"He calls you. He picks up your calls." Jess felt pathetic at how needy he sounded, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. "He doesn't let all your calls go to voicemail and then respond with a two word text five hours later."

"You guys are going through a tough time right now. I know you are." Mallory said, her expression earnest as she looked Jess in the eye. "But, it's not going to last forever. I believe that."

"How can you be so sure?" Jess asked.

"Because you're a good person. And, Darius is a good person." Mallory smiled warmly at him. "And, you love each other. And, you're his dad and he's your son."

Jess reflected on that, unable to find fault with any individual statement, but knowing that the sum of those statements didn't ensure a good parent child relationship, or even mean that his son actually _liked_ him.

"I just…" Jess sighed. "I hate that he's so far away."

"Darius being this far away isn't exactly what I would have chosen for him, either, if it had been up to me. But, it wasn't." Mallory said. "I think he just needs some space right now to figure things out. To figure himself out." Mallory smiled. "And, he'll be home for Christmas. He gave me his word."

Jess felt the familiar shame he always felt when his emotions started to rise up on him against his will. "I feel like I'm losing him." His voice sounded hoarse.

"You're not, Jess. You're not losing him. I really believe that." Jess worried that Mallory was right, but for the wrong reason. He couldn't really lose someone that he never actually had to begin with. "He just needs some space right now. We aren't losing anyone."

Jess nodded, suddenly feeling disgusted with himself for how hard he was taking the news, for how much he was dragging Mallory down with his own issues. He took a slow, deep breath, trying to pull himself out of his shitty mood. He forced a less than genuine smirk on his face, needing to transition the conversation to safer territory, if not extricate himself from it altogether. "It sucks to be such shitty parents that all our kids are ditching us for the other side of the country, huh?"

Mallory smiled back, and even before she spoke, Jess could tell she was going to let him get away with it. "Yes, it does. Maybe we can break the streak with Evie. We still have a few years left to win her over. Maybe we should buy her a pony just to be safe."

Jess huffed out a quiet laugh and kept his tone playful. "I don't know. The way things are going, I'm thinking Evie's going to wind up going to college in Alaska."

"Hey, I'd love to see Denali. April makes it sound amazing." Jess leaned in to kiss his wife, feeling grateful that he always had her support.

He pulled away, leaving his mouth mere inches from hers. "I love you so much, Mal."

"I love you, too, Jess." He felt her breath soft against his face before she closed the distance between them completely, their mouths connecting gently, her body warm against his. Jess tried to clear his mind and just exist in this one perfect moment.

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Jess was lying awake, staring into the dark and trying to fall back to sleep, when his phone vibrated on his nightstand. He reached for it quickly so the noise wouldn't disturb Mallory. He saw Darius's name on the screen and felt an uptick in his heart rate. He couldn't remember the last time his middle child had called him, and a call at this time of night couldn't mean anything good.

"Darius? Are you ok?" Jess whispered, trying to tamp down the worry in his voice. He didn't want to come across as needlessly panicked. Maybe the call was a mistake. It was almost four o'clock in the morning, making it nearly two in Arizona. Maybe the kid was out and meant to call a friend and had accidentally dialed him instead.

"Dad? Hi, Dad. It's Darius." The kid's words weren't exactly slurred, but they sounded just slow and off-centered enough that Jess could tell Darius had been drinking.

"I know, son. Is everything ok?" Jess weighed his words carefully, wanting an answer, but not wanting to scare the kid off by sounding overly panicked or upset, cognizant from his childhood of how sensitive people can be to perceived judgement when they're drunk.

"Yeah. Everything's ok. I'm ok. I just wanted to talk to you-" Darius made a sound of frustrated realization. "Fuck! I'm sorry! I just wanted to talk to you. I didn't mean to wake you up. It's so late there."

Jess felt himself calming slightly, his heart rate returning to normal. He looked at Mallory, still sleeping peacefully, and pulled the covers back from his side of the bed, carefully getting up and exiting the room so as not to disturb her. He infused a smile into his whispered response as he quietly pulled the bedroom door shut behind him. "Oh, I don't know. I'd say it's actually pretty early over here, right now." The hallway was cold so Jess made his way downstairs. "So, what are you up to-"

"I'm sorry! I didn't think. I wanted to call you, but now I just feel…...stupid….I'm sorry." The boy sounded genuinely upset and so very young. It threw Jess off even more.

"It's ok, Darius. You can always call me. It doesn't matter what time it is. I always want to talk to you." Jess aimed for warm and loving without being overly cloying, fearful of ruining this precarious moment with his son. "So, what were you guys up to tonight?" Now that he was fully awake, he felt the same nervous tension he always felt when he spoke to Darius on the phone. The feeling that everything was somehow on the brink, that their tenuous relationship was his to save or fuck up by whatever he said next. He recalled a family hike over the summer when they had come across an injured rabbit. Mallory had spoken to it slowly and carefully, so as not to spook it and scare it away as she gently wrapped it in her sweatshirt so they could take it to the vet at Evie's request. An hour and two-hundred and fifty dollars later, all they had to show for it was a euthanized rabbit and a distraught daughter. But, the first part, winning the rabbit's trust, had resonated with Jess and returned to his mind now as he spoke so carefully to his son.

"We went out with some of Kenny's friends from high school." Darius said. "They were home for the holiday, too. We were at one of their houses. Just hanging around and having a few drinks."

Jess considered calling his son out for drinking like he would have with Jeremy at this age, but decided against it, not wanting to risk ruining the mood even by joking about it. He knew Darius must have something to say to him and he was determined to wait for it as patiently as he could.

"Oh, yeah? Did you have fun?" The question felt like the safer option. Plus, he knew it was pointless to try to police Darius's drinking when the boy was in college on the other side of the country. Jess sat down on the couch and pulled the quilt off the back cushions, doing his best to spread it over himself with one hand while he held the phone in the other.

"Yeah, it was good, mostly. Kenny's friends are really nice." Darius sounded unsure, and Jess wanted to ask if he was ok again, but he didn't want to sound like he was nagging, or imply that he didn't believe the boy's first answer. He forced himself to wait for more. "We're back at his house now. Kenny's house. Everyone else is asleep."

"Are you having trouble sleeping?" Jess asked, still unclear as to why insomnia would prompt his son to call him. He loved the idea that his son had sought out his company like this, but he wouldn't feel settled until he had a better understanding of why.

"Not really. Or, kind of. Maybe. I just keep thinking about something that happened tonight. It's like I can't stop thinking about it."

Jess felt his heart beat picking up again and his mind started running quickly through a series of worst-case scenarios. He did his best to keep his voice neutral. "Oh, yeah? What happened?"

Jess listened to Darius sigh. When the boy started speaking again, he sounded sleepy in a way that he hadn't previously and Jess worried that the kid was going to crash before sharing his reason for calling.

"I mean, I guess it wasn't that big a deal…...but, like I said, we were at Kenny's friend's house. His name's Jay." The pause felt like a confused frown to Jess. "Or maybe that's a nickname, like just the initial J, short for something else. I'm not really sure now that I'm thinking about it."

"That's ok. How about if we just call him Jay then?" Jess asked.

"Yeah. Yeah, that's what everyone calls him."

Darius sounded like he was losing focus and Jess prompted him to keep the story on track. "So…..what happened at Jay's house that you're still thinking about?"

"Well, we were drinking. And, there were only a few guys left at the end. Like, four of us. And, someone. I'm not sure who, but I know it wasn't me. But they said we should go outside and play two on two. Jay has this really nice court in his yard. It's not in the driveway the way people normally have it, like ours is, but there's this whole paved area in the back for the hoop…..."

Darius let out a sleepy sigh. "So, you guys went outside to play basketball." Jess tried to keep his tone conversational, not wanting his son to feel like he was being interrogated. "Then what happened?"

"It was too loud, the ball bouncing and hitting the backboard and everything. It woke up Jay's stepfather. He was pissed. Really pissed. He started yelling at Jay, telling him how inconsiderate it was to wake up the whole house, maybe the whole neighborhood. Like yelling wasn't going to wake people up, too, right?" Darius scoffed at the idea. "He was really mad... Kenny told me later that the guy's always been kind of a dick, like not that nice to Jay and stuff, even when they were younger." Jess didn't feel it was particularly out of line to yell at a bunch of inconsiderate drunk kids playing basketball in your backyard in the middle of the night, but he wasn't stupid enough to admit that and align himself with the obvious villain of the story. "And, I don't know what Jay said back to him. I couldn't hear him, I guess. I was on the other side of the court when the guy came out and I stayed over there. But, his stepfather hit him. Like, slapped him across the face. And, Jay is really nice. Like just a genuinely nice person, so he couldn't have said anything too bad, right? And, he was drunk, too, but he was still really embarrassed by it. I could tell. Then we all had to leave and come back to Kenny's. Jay's stepfather made him go back inside and we could still hear him yelling at him from the front yard while we waited for the Uber. And, I don't know…..it sucked. And, it sucks that Jay is still there now, with his stepfather, when he's so mad. That sucks, too."

Jess processed his son's story, knowing full well that even a genuinely nice teenager was completely capable of saying something pretty bad when they were drunk and talking to a parent they didn't particularly care for. But, Jess didn't believe that made it ok for a parent to strike their child, especially in front of other people. He knew from personal experience how humiliating that could be. He also knew that wasn't the point of the story. He understood how triggering this situation could be to Darius because of the boy's own past with a physically abusive father. He considered what to say, knowing that nothing he had to offer would be good enough, but that he had to try anyway.

"I'm sorry that happened." He decided to go with the simplest response. "It definitely sounds like it sucked. For Jay and for you."

"Yeah. That guy's a jerk, right?" The pace of Darius's speech had slowed.

"He definitely sounds like a jerk." Jess agreed, wanting Darius to know he was solidly on his side.

The boy released a long yawn, and Jess could tell he was fading fast. "And, anyway, I just felt like talking to you, I guess. To tell you…...I don't know…"

Jess could feel his body tense slightly in anticipation, holding his breath as he leaned forward on the couch.

"That I like that you're my dad, I guess…...but, maybe it was stupid. To call just to say that."

Jess's mind went to the argument they had had toward the end of Darius's senior year of high school. Darius telling him he wished Jess wasn't his father.

"I don't think it's stupid. I kind of love hearing that. Because I really love being your dad." Jess took a moment to collect his thoughts. "I know things haven't always been easy with us. But, I love you, Darius. I am so grateful to have you for a son. I just love you so much, kid. Always. Every minute of every day. No matter what. I hope you know that."

Jess waited on edge for a response, immediately worried that he had once again said too much or revealed more emotion than Darius was comfortable dealing with. Then he heard a light snore. He smiled to himself and waited for a few moments in case Darius woke back up. Part of him wanted to say something, or maybe clap his hands loudly to startle the boy out of sleep and pretend he had dropped his phone, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Jess listened to his son's steady breathing, regularly punctuated by a soft snore. He pictured Darius as a small child, fallen asleep on the couch during a movie, finally peaceful after a trying day of meltdowns, he and Mallory watching him and marveling at the adorableness of their new son. After a while, Jess disconnected the call. He headed back upstairs thinking about what a giant step forward Thanksgiving had ended up being, even if Darius had celebrated the holiday on the other side of the country.

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"Are you nervous, Dad?"

"What?" Jess forced a scoff as he turned from the sink where he was finishing washing the breakfast dishes to look at his daughter. "Of course not. Why would I be nervous?"

The little girl shrugged, still sitting at her spot at the kitchen table. "I don't know. But, you seem like you are."

"I do?"

"Yeah." Evie nodded. "You're acting like you did that time you borrowed Uncle Luke's truck to put Jeremy's stuff in the basement when he moved to California."

Jess frowned, feeling puzzled. "Hmmm." He finished soaping the last plate and rinsed it off under the faucet. "I remember borrowing the truck, but I'm not sure I see the connection there."

"Remember how you scraped the side of the truck against the pole at Jeremy's apartment?" Evie ran one palm roughly across the other to dramatically illustrate the scrape.

"Yes, I remember that." Jess set the plate in the drying rack and picked up a dish towel to dry off his hands. "What's your point?"

Evie smiled and comically rolled her eyes. "You were scared to bring it back to Uncle Luke because you didn't want to get in trouble."

Jess quirked an eyebrow at his daughter and watched the girl giggle at his reaction. "I would hardly say I was _scared_-"

Evie laughed again. "You were, too! You were nervous, at least. Even mom said so when it happened." Jess loved watching his daughter laugh, even when it was at his expense. He felt that she was his happiest child. He figured it made sense. Evie had been born into love and acceptance. From the first time she had cried as a newborn, she had learned to trust that her needs would be met and that she could safely go about the business of developing healthy attachments to the people around her. Unlike her brothers, she had never been taught to see the world as a scary place full of hurt and rejection, she had never learned to approach the people closest to her with extreme caution and fear. He loved how happy his daughter was and in his more maudlin moments, he found himself grieving a future in which she might not be able to preserve her positive world view.

"Ah, well." Jess conceded. "If mom said so, it must be true."

"And, you're acting like that now. Like you're nervous! That's the connection right there!"

Jess watched his daughter laugh at him and wondered when she had become so grown up and perceptive. He did feel nervous and he knew he had been acting a little off that morning because of it. Darius was flying in for his Christmas break today and Jess was picking him up alone because Mallory and Evie had school and Jeremy wouldn't arrive until a few days before Christmas. Jess had learned from previous mistakes and had held himself back from reaching out to Darius in any way that could be considered out of the ordinary after their conversation on Thanksgiving. He knew from past experience that one step forward was more likely to result in two steps back if he pushed or expected immediate progress. With that in mind, he had never even mentioned the call to Darius, even though he had told and retold the story to Mallory, Jeremy and Luke, wanting validation that he wasn't crazy for thinking this could be the change in his relationship with his son that he had been waiting on for so long. He had gone on with his son, business as usual, texting him every few days to check in and participating in the family facetime call every Sunday, but hanging back and letting Evie and Mallory do most of the talking. He knew Evie was right in her assessment. Even though he tried to keep them in check, he had big expectations for today, and he could feel a light nervous flutter in his stomach at the millions of possible ways he could fuck things up.

"Huh." No matter how astute Evie was, Jess didn't think his complicated emotions over his son's homecoming were something he should dump on his ten year old daughter. "I suppose I was a little nervous about bringing Luke's truck back scratched that day. I had made a big deal about being able to drive a standard when I honestly wasn't that good at it and I felt bad about messing up his truck. But, today's different. I'm excited, _not_ nervous. Sometimes they look like the same thing. I'm just really excited to see Darius. It's been a long time and I really miss him."

Evie's expression shifted into woeful eyes and downturned mouth. "I miss him, too. It sucks that Jeremy and Darius moved away."

Jess took in his daughter's serious expression and her multi-colored hair. The girl had gone to a sleepover the past weekend and had returned with purple and blue streaks in her beautiful black hair. Evie had clearly been proud of her new look, and Jess had complimented his daughter, telling her how cool it looked when Mallory had brought her home. Later that night he'd made a comment to Mallory about ten years old being too young to have dyed hair and how he would have appreciated Jodi's mom asking before she let their daughter do something like this to her head. Mallory had shrugged off his concern, saying that dyed hair wasn't a big deal, it wasn't like Jodi's mom had done anything permanent like piercing Evie's ears or giving her a tattoo, and that she didn't want to be the kind of parent who tried to police her daughter's appearance. Her response had left Jess feeling alone in his resistance, and also kind of old and out of touch. The whole thing had left him feeling like everything was happening too fast and reminded him of how little time he had left before Evie grew up and left home like her brothers.

"Sometimes, I wish I had a brother or sister my age to do stuff with. Like Jodi does." Jess watched his daughter frown and reflected on how badly he had failed at family planning. He felt that with seventeen years between Jeremy and Darius and another eight year gap between Darius and Evie, he had made normal sibling relationships more difficult for his children, leaving them with something similar to what he had with April and Doula, which was good enough once they were adults, but hadn't exactly provided any of them with childhood playmates. He made a mental note to talk to Mallory about getting a dog, maybe it wasn't too late to surprise Evie with one for Christmas. Jess had always intended to bring up the idea of a dog to Mallory once Darius had settled down a little and gotten over the angry, violent outbursts that had been so prevalent during the early days of his arrival in their home, but they had become busy with the day to day activity of caring for a baby and a traumatized child and a dog had started to seem like too much work and the idea had fallen by the wayside before it was ever even discussed.

"I'm sorry, Evie. I know it must get a little boring for you sometimes, being the only kid around here."

The girl shrugged her small shoulders. "It's ok. I know you and mom are too old to have another baby."

Jess smiled. "You're right about that." He was turning fifty this year and he couldn't agree more with his daughter's statement. He loved being a dad, but he was tired. He felt guilty for even thinking it, but he knew deep down that he wasn't totally opposed to the idea of fostering again if he could be guaranteed an easy kid. He felt like he could raise another hundred Jeremys or Evies, but being Darius's father had tired him out and aged him in a completely different way. "But, we'll have Darius back today and Jeremy will be home next week. And we're going to do so much family stuff with them, and have so much fun, and really take advantage of the time they're here. We've got a lot to look forward to right now. And, then maybe we'll plan a trip out to see them in the spring. How does that sound?" Jess really wasn't sure they could afford a family vacation out west, but he was determined not to let this much time pass without seeing his sons again.

Evie smiled at him, all signs of sadness gone. "That sounds good." Jess had learned long ago that, much like Jeremy, his daughter was a sensitive and thoughtful person who would sometimes tell him what she thought he wanted to hear. He was embarrassed to admit that sometimes he let it go because it was easier for him that way.

"You ready, hon?" Mallory walked into the kitchen dressed for work in a black skirt and a dark green cardigan, a bright smile on her face.

"Yep!" Evie bounced out of her chair and pulled her coat off the hook by the door, shoving her arms into the sleeves. Jess handed his daughter her lunch in a purple sack, the fabric covered with cartoon owls. He cupped the back of her skull in his palm and stooped to drop a kiss on her multi-colored head.

"Don't forget your hat and gloves." He reminded her. The girl pulled her hat out of one coat pocket and a pair of gloves out of the other, grinning as she held them up and waved them around for Jess to see before putting them on. "All right, I get it. You're on top of it." Jess acknowledged. "Let me just help you out a little here." He gently pulled her knit hat down over her eyes, earning giggles from his daughter.

"Dad!" Evie protested, fixing her hat and leveling a comically exaggerated stern look at her father.

"Oh, sorry, did I do that?" Jess feigned innocence.

He took two steps toward Mallory and kissed her head the same way he had just kissed Evie's. He heard Mallory snicker before he had even pulled back and realized what he had done.

Mallory was smirking at him, with a mischievous look in her eye. "Thanks for that, but I think you can do better if you really apply yourself."

Jess huffed out a quiet laugh at himself. "Sorry, I'm just a little distracted this morning."

Mallory pulled him gently toward her by his shirt front and kissed him, keeping their mouths joined long enough for Jess to hear Evie let out an exasperated sigh. "Mom! We're going to be late for school!"

Mallory pulled back and smiled at Jess. "Much better. And, don't stress. Things will be good today. I can feel it."

"Thanks." Jess said. "I really hope you're right."

She raised one hand and gently cupped the side of his face. "I love you."

"I love you, too." Jess watched her pull on her coat and join Evie at the door.

"Bye, guys, have a good day at school. Be smart and play well with others."

"Bye, Dad." Evie said. She stopped in the doorway and turned back, a big grin on her little face. "And, don't tell Darius about my hair! I want to surprise him, ok?"

Jess smiled at his daughter's enthusiasm. "He won't hear about it from me, kid."

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Jess's mind was churning nervously as he waited in baggage claim. He thought back to the argument he had had with Darius back in May, followed by a summer of subtle tension. The boy had worked as many hours as he could get at the diner, usually opting for the closing shift. Their paths had rarely crossed, with Darius spending his daytime hours with Mallory and Evie, heading to work before Jess got home from the bookstore, and often returning home after Jess had gone to bed. Jess had envied Mallory's freedom as he listened to his wife and daughter fill him in on what he had missed each night at the dinner table. Mallory had not picked up her usual summer job this year to make the most of those last few months when two of their kids still lived at home. Jess had tried to plan as much family time as he could on his days off, but Darius sometimes picked up daytime shifts at the diner when another server was unavailable. Jess hadn't been able to argue with the boy wanting to earn money for college, and as a result, most of Jess's summer memories that included Darius seemed to revolve around the family hike that had ended in tears and a dead rabbit, one outing to the lake when April was in town, a handful of family dinners, and a really great weekend when Jeremy had visited from Los Angeles and it had briefly felt to Jess that they were one big happy family. Jess could still remember dropping Darius off at the airport when the kid left for school. Mallory and Evie both tearing up as they hugged Darius goodbye. Darius hugging back tightly, telling them how much he was going to miss them. Jess's own embrace receiving an anemic response in contrast, the boy merely tolerating his touch, one hand rising to lightly contact Jess's back more out of reflex than affection, before Darius quickly pulled away and turned back toward his mother for one last hug before heading through security. Jess sighed. That was ok. That was all in the past. Long before their phone call at Thanksgiving. Before Darius had had a chance to get enough space to reflect on their relationship from a different perspective. Things would be different now. Jess felt a fluttering in his stomach as he watched a throng of people enter the space and head toward the baggage carousel.

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"Hey, Dad?" Jess looked up from tying his sneakers to see Darius standing a few feet in front of the couch, still in his pajamas, late on a Saturday morning, an expression Jess couldn't clearly read on his face.

Jess smiled. "Hey, Darius." Things had been going well in the three days that his middle child had been home from college. Starting with the brief but surprisingly genuine hug at the airport, Jess had felt his own anxiety slowly but surely ebbing away. Conversation with his son was coming easier than it ever had. He was getting more smiles and less thinly veiled attitude than he could have hoped for. He felt like he was witnessing the change he had always wanted in his relationship with his son, the one he had waited so long for and had almost given up hoping for so many times.

The boy returned the smile, then nodded his head toward Jess's sneakers. "Are you going for a run?"

"That was the plan. Would you like to come with me?" Jess had considered asking the boy if he wanted to join him, but he hadn't wanted to push anything on Darius this time around, no matter how good he thought it would be for him.

Darius huffed out a laugh. "I'll pass. I haven't exactly kept up with running or anything. I'd just drag you down."

"Impossible. Spending time with one of my kids could never drag me down." Jess momentarily worried that the sentiment had come across as too earnest, too much, but quickly dismissed the thought. He wanted to be over all the questioning, to feel free to be who he was and say the things that came naturally. He wanted to stop being scared and overanalyzing everything he said and did.

"I was just thinking maybe we could go for a walk. Just me and you…..." Jess took in his son's nervous smile. "And, I was thinking that since Mom took Evie to basketball practice, and they'll be gone for a while…...but, if you're heading out for a run, maybe we could do it later. Or tomorrow or something."

Jess was instantly hooked and thoughts of running flew out of his mind. "We can go for a walk right now if you want. I don't _need_ to run. I was looking to get outside and clear my head more than anything else. I can do that on a walk, too. I'm good with a walk. Walking is good." Just like that, one out of character request from his son catching him off guard, and Jess could feel the familiar nervous rambling trying to assert itself. He forced himself to stop talking before the rambling could overpower his sense.

"Yeah?" Darius asked, an obviously pleased smile on his face.

"Of course, Darius. You're only here for a few weeks. I want to spend as much time with you as possible."

Jess watched his son smile at his response. "Ok. Cool. I'm going to go get dressed."

Jess watched Darius walk out of the room, knowing that his son asking for one-on-one time with him was a good thing, an incredibly rare and possibly unprecedented occurrence, but he couldn't help feeling some of the familiar fluttering starting to churn deep in his stomach.

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"So." Jess prompted after they had walked over two blocks in mostly companionable silence, aside from Jess's comments on the unseasonably mild winter and Darius telling Jess that Harrison had invited him to come by while he was home to meet his new baby. "Is there something in particular you want to talk about?"

Jess watched Darius keep his eyes focused on the sidewalk several feet in front of him as a small smile crept over his face. "Yeah, kind of."

Jess waited a few beats. "Are you ok? You're not in any kind of trouble, are you?" Jess tried to ready his least judgemental expression in case he was about to hear something he wouldn't like.

The boy huffed out an amused breath, then shook his head slowly, eyes still trained straight ahead, smile still in place. "No, it's nothing like that."

Jess waited to see if his son would continue talking, then took another guess when he didn't. "Is there someone you're interested in at school? Do you need advice on girls?"

Darius huffed out a soft laugh, still not making eye contact.

"Hey, I'm not sure why that's funny." Jess kept his tone playful. "I know some stuff about dating and relationships. I didn't do too bad in that department. I think we can both agree I married up."

Jess watched his son's profile and felt a surge of regret at going too far as he watched the smile disappear from the boy's face. It was a joke he would have made with Jeremy, too, but he wondered if it had inadvertently brought Darius back to the same ugly conversation it had him, Darius telling him that he didn't know what his mother saw in Jess, that she was going to leave him once Evie grew up. It was the last thing he wanted to think about or remind Darius of when things were going so well, and he scrambled for a new topic to drown out the unwanted mental noise his comment had sparked in his own head. "Is it about sex? Do you have any questions, or-"

"Jeez, Dad!" Darius looked horrified now as he turned to Jess. "Stop! It's not about sex."

"Ok. Ok." Jess raised his hands in surrender. "My mistake. It was just a thought."

Darius laughed. "No offense, but I would never come to you with questions about sex."

"Hey, offense taken." Jess joked.

Darius was grinning now. "It's nothing personal. People my age don't ask their parents about sex. That's what we have the internet for."

"Ah, so that's what that thing's for." Jess feigned enlightenment. "I had no idea. I mostly use it for keeping up on world news." Darius gave Jess's joke a small pity laugh, and it helped alleviate Jess's concern that his questions had turned the conversation awkward. A pity laugh from Darius was something new for Jess, and he viewed it as a positive since it seemed to indicate some level of consideration for his feelings.

They walked another block in silence and Jess knew this time he needed to wait Darius out. If he wanted this conversation to go anywhere, he figured it would have to be on Darius's terms.

Darius waited until they had crossed the street into the park and started following the familiar dirt path they had walked so many times as a family. "It's not anything bad." Darius spoke tentatively. "It's not even that big of a deal, really. Now, I feel kid of stupid for bringing it up like this."

"Um, you haven't actually brought anything up yet, kid?" Jess pointed out.

Darius laughed again and this time it sounded distinctly nervous. "I didn't want to build it up like this. It's going to sound lame now."

"I promise I won't think it's lame, no matter what it is."

"Ok. I guess I just kind of wanted to say…" The boy took a deep breath and centered his gaze on the path in front of him. "I don't really think Mom's too good for you. I don't wish you weren't my dad. I know you didn't ask for a black kid to advertise that I was adopted and make everyone think you're a good guy. All of that. Everything I said to you that day. I don't think those things and I'm sorry I said them."

Jess felt gobsmacked as he stared at his son. He realized he had stopped mid-stride and had to remind himself to move to keep pace with his son. His mind felt empty and he struggled to find words before his silence was misconstrued as a lack of acceptance of Darius's apology.

"Thank you for that, Darius. Really. That means so much to me, son. I know I said some horrible things that night, too, and I'm sorry-"

"No, you don't have to do that. You already apologized back then. You don't have to do it again. I'm the one who didn't apologize. Not for real." Darius glanced over at Jess. "But, I am sorry. And, it's not like I don't love you. Because I do." Jess met the kid's gaze with all the love he held for his child, the love that had sometimes felt so hopelessly unrequited over the years. Jess saw a flash of embarrassment on his son's face before the kid averted his eyes towards the trees in the middle distance.

"I love you, too, Darius." Jess heard the emotion thick in his voice. He hoped Darius heard it, too.

"I know. I know you do." Darius nodded his head. "I don't think someone who didn't love me could have put up with all my shit the way you always have." "I, uh, I really appreciate how good you've always been to me. I want you to know that because I know it probably didn't seem that way a lot of the time. But, I always have. Appreciated you."

"I believe you." Darius looked up with subtle disbelief in his eyes and Jess clarified his statement. "You're right that it didn't always feel like you liked me very much. But, if you tell me you did, that you appreciated me even when it felt like you couldn't stand me, then I believe you."

"Really?" Darius asked.

"Yes. Really. Absolutely." Jess said.

"Thanks." Darius was staring straight ahead.

"Sure." Jess studied his son's profile, waiting to see if his son would say anything else. He started wondering if Darius had said everything he wanted to say and whether he should transition the conversation toward something safe and ask the boy about school or how he was liking winter in Arizona before the silence became awkward.

Darius took a breath. "Everything was just always so much harder with you. I don't even really know why. I mean, I'm not an idiot. I know it's all linked to stuff with my first dad."

Jess didn't like hearing Darius refer to the man Jess thought of as his son's birth father as his first dad, but he knew adoptions were tricky and there were no wrong ways to identity the complicated relationships adoptees have with their birth parents. And, maybe birth father was too dismissive a term and connoted too brief a relationship to accurately describe the man who had abused Darius for the first six years of his life. Jess refocused on his son. Darius was finally opening up to him and Jess wanted to be receptive to what Darius had to say without making it all about himself.

"What's all linked?" Jess asked.

"Everything." Darius sighed. "Like how hard it was to be around you sometimes. How I always felt more…...I don't know, angry and…..scared and nervous and…...just uncomfortable around you than I ever did around Mom." Darius took another breath. "You took over a job that was previously held by someone who hated me and treated me like shit. Who used to hit me and hurt me just for fun. It makes sense that some of the feelings I had for my first dad would transfer over to you. My therapist says it's natural that I would have trust issues with-" Jess watched Darius realize what he'd said and try to cut himself off too late.

"It does make sense." Jess hurried to fill the silence before his son's discomfort could bloom into real shame and derail the conversation. "I always logically understood that that was where your hostility toward me came from. I did my best to accept it and not take it personally. I think some days that was harder to do than others, but I did my best."

"You shouldn't have had to accept it at all. You didn't deserve it. Any of it. I knew that even when I was treating you like that, that you didn't deserve it. That you were a good person, a good dad. You were _nice_ to me…...but, I couldn't always hold it back, how I felt around you. I guess that was harder some days than others, too. And, I'm sorry for all the times I sucked at it."

"It's ok, son. It's ok." Jess instinctively pulled a hand out of his jacket pocket, wanting so much to reach out to his son, to loop an arm around his shoulders or cup the back of his neck, to provide some kind of reassuring contact. But, his instincts, born from a decade of having his son recoil from his touch, warned him that he would risk ruining this moment with Darius, so instead he dropped his arm at his side, his ungloved hand feeling instantly chilled. "I'm glad you're talking to a therapist, Darius. And, I'm really glad you're talking to me, too."

Darius nodded, staring at the ground, his expression uncertain, and Jess felt a wave of respect for his son for persisting with something that he obviously found so difficult.

"It's not just her, though, my therapist. I mean talking to her helps a lot. But, even just meeting new people and being exposed to their stuff and their families." Jess thought back to the call on Thanksgiving and wondered if Darius was thinking about the man he'd seen hit his stepson. "And, being able to get away from you, and everyone, for the first time, to really think about stuff on my own as an adult and to have the chance to develop a new perspective on my life and everything."

Jess nodded. "It sounds like you've been doing a lot of thinking."

Darius nodded. "I have. About so much stuff. But, you know what I keep coming back to when I think about us, you and me?"

"What's that?" Jess asked.

"You knew I was with a family that wanted to adopt me before I came to live with you and Mom, right?"

"I did know that." Jess was caught off guard by the transition. He knew that Darius's parents' parental rights had been terminated months before he and Mallory had met the boy, in preparation for an adoption by another couple. When he and Mallory had asked his social worker why the adoption had been disrupted, she had vaguely cited attachment issues on Darius's part.

"Well, they were nice people. It was a couple who didn't have any kids of their own. Just this cool little dog." Jess watched the corner's of the boy's mouth turn up slightly at the memory of the dog. "And, they were nice. Like, really nice. She was a nurse and he was a grammar school teacher. They were always so patient with me, just really kind and gentle, both of them." Jess could feel himself tensing slightly as he tried to predict where this was going. He tried to force himself to relax. "I liked the woman right away, the same as I did with Mom. And, I liked the guy, too. He never yelled, never even got mad. He was so good to me. Always. I _liked_ him. I _appreciated_ him. The same way I liked and appreciated you. He was patient whenever I couldn't deal, when I lost it and threw stuff, or tried to hit him, or had giant meltdowns when he got too close to me or tried to get me to do something with him. He never lost it on me. He was never rough with me. Ever." Jess's mind flashed to himself grabbing Darius's shoulders forcefully in an attempt to restrain the boy during one of his early meltdowns, then to yelling at the boy for ruining the cake on Evie's first birthday. "They asked if I wanted them to adopt me and I said yes. I wanted them to keep me. I felt safe there….." Darius trailed off, looking off to the side, away from Jess.

"They sound like good people." Jess spoke just to fill the silence, to prove he was listening and engaged, to keep the boy talking. He felt like he was holding his breath, waiting for something sinister to make its way into the story, something like sexual abuse.

"They were. Both of them. I liked it there." Darius sighed. "But, it didn't work out. I remember hearing them talking to the social worker a few days before she brought me to you and Mom. They didn't know I could hear them. The guy was crying, I remember that because it really freaked me out. I had never seen my first dad cry and I knew this meant something really bad was happening." Darius took a deep breath. "The guy was telling my social worker that he could deal with the outbursts and meltdowns and even the violence, but he couldn't take how much I seemed to hate him. How I flipped out whenever he touched me or even just when he got too close to me or told me to do something. He couldn't handle that. He felt bad, I know he was being honest about that, I could tell, but he didn't think he could take raising a kid that didn't want anything to do with him and that acted the way I did. He said he felt rejected everyday, and it hurt him too much."

Jess felt himself exhale, his body relax slightly. He could relate. He had felt similarly in the first few months and even years of having Darius as a son. He knew on some level he had still felt that same rejection and hurt until Darius's arrival home from college this week. He had been grateful to see the change in Darius that seemed to indicate that his need to feel that way may be over now.

"I'm sorry, son. That must have been really hard."

"It sucked. I liked that guy and wanted to be his kid. I was just such a scared mess that I didn't know how to _act_ like I liked him."

Darius sniffled, and Jess tentatively reached out a hand, risking contact as he placed it on the shoulder of the boy's puffy jacket. He kneaded his fingers and thumb through the coat for a moment as Darius composed himself and took his hand away once the boy started talking again.

"And, what I've been thinking about with us, lately, is that I did all the same stuff to you. I'm sure I made you feel the same way that guy did, especially at the beginning, but even through high school and this summer and everything. I'm just really…...grateful, I guess, that you were able to stick it out with me anyway, even though I know it couldn't have always been fun, or easy, to have me for a kid."

"Oh, Darius-" Jess felt something in his chest clench with hurt for his son.

"I'm serious. I'm not looking for you to say that you love me and that you've always loved having me around. I'm not stupid or naive enough to buy that. I know that can't be true. I know there must have been times when you wanted to disrupt my adoption, too. I know that being my dad must have sucked sometimes and felt like way more hassle than it was worth. I just want you to know that I'm really, really grateful that you did it anyway."

Jess stopped walking, gently cupped his son's arm, releasing his hold once the boy stopped and turned toward him. Jess took in the boy's vulnerable expression, the unshed tears pooled in his child's eyes and felt the threat of the same in his own. He had waited so long for this moment, for this kind of validation from his son, had almost stopped believing it would ever really come. He slowly raised a hand, reaching around to cup the back of the boy's neck through the collar of his jacket, a movement that felt so comfortable with Jeremy and Evie and so foreign with this child. "I know you're not looking for me to say it, but I love you so much, Darius. You're right that you weren't always an easy kid to parent. And, being your dad certainly wasn't all rainbows and kittens all the time." Darius huffed out a soft exhale. "But, I can honestly say I never once wanted to disrupt your adoption."

"Really?" Darius looked like he wanted to believe Jess but wasn't quite there.

"I kid you not." Jess nodded seriously. "Were there times I wanted to throw your scrawny little ass out a window? Well, yes, but that's an entirely different question." Darius laughed, then sniffed back a tear. Jess smiled warmly at him. "I never wanted to get rid of you or send you away. I never wanted you to not be a part of this family. I had great hopes that I'd wear you down eventually and get you to like me. And, what do you know?" Jess removed his hand from his son's neck and tipped his wrist so he could pretend to consult his watch. "It only took about ten years."

Darius smiled at him then looked away as he wiped quickly at his eyes with the back of one hand.

"And, honestly, once we adopted you, once you were my little boy, my son, how you made _me_ feel never felt as important as how _you_ felt. When you came to live with us, you were this angry, volatile little person. You lashed out everyday, multiple times a day, sometimes violently. You were _so_ angry. But, you were also this really cute, scared, defenseless child who needed parents to love him and take care of him. Even if you had never ended up liking me, I still would have felt like you were better off with me and your mom than you would have been in foster care and that's what mattered to me the most." Jess studied his son carefully, taking in the boy's emotional state and rapt attention. "Jeremy lived in more than ten foster placements before he came to live with me. I know how hard that was on him, to grow up like that, never feeling loved or wanted or like he fit in anywhere. Even if you weren't crazy about me….." Jess felt himself choking up and tried to control it so that he could get out what he wanted to say. "I'd look at you with your mom, how close you two were, almost right away…...I wanted to keep you with us, and out of the whole foster care situation. I felt like that had to be the better option for you."

"It was. Definitely. I have this whole family of people now. I love you guys. I was so young when the adoption happened. I don't think I realized then how different my life could have turned out without you and Mom. I get it now, that if things had gone differently I could have ended up pretty alone at this point in my life, and I'm so grateful that I didn't. Thank you for that." Jess felt his heart breaking at the earnest look on Darius's face.

"Hey, c'mon. I'm your dad. Mom's your mom. You don't have to thank your parents for keeping you or loving you, Darius. I never want you to feel that way."

"Maybe not. But, I do. It's different when your parents aren't the ones you were born with. You guys didn't owe me anything." Jess knew Darius was right. He could remember standing in Luke's apartment after Liz's wedding, stopping short of apologizing for everything he had done to make Luke's life harder because he hadn't been as brave as his son was now, but telling Luke that he had appreciated everything he had done for him, just the same. Jess got that some things mattered more when the person doing the giving had no real obligation to be so generous.

Jess nodded. "I guess you're right. I know I've always felt extra grateful for everything your Uncle Luke's done for me because he wasn't the dad I was born with. So, I get what you're saying." Jess sighed contentedly. "But, just know that I love you so much, Darius. That I'm every bit as thankful that you're in this family as you are to be in it. And, that I really appreciate you talking to me like this. I mean, I just, I appreciate the shit out of it, kid." Jess watched Darius smile at his phrasing. "I can't even begin to tell you how much." Jess paused, considering, _fuck it_. "And, I just really, really want to hug you right now. If that's ok."

Darius closed the gap between them and wrapped his arms around Jess's neck, tentatively at first, then tighter as Jess hugged back, crushing his son against his chest, raising a hand to cup the back of the boy's head, savoring the moment for what it was, while holding onto his constant faith that this was only one good moment of many that he could look forward to with his son. Jess felt like they had finally broken out of the one step forward, two steps back cycle that had provided the framework of their relationship for so long. Jess dropped a kiss on the side of Darius's head. Things would be good now. He could feel it. For the first time in a long time having faith didn't make him feel foolish.

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The rest of Christmas break goes by too quickly, like good times so often do. Darius picks up a few shifts at the diner to make a little money, but mostly sticks to breakfast shifts so that he can spend the rest of the day with his family. Jeremy and Kristie fly in for the week of Christmas. Aside from the day they arrive, Kristie spends the entirety of their time in Connecticut with her family while Jeremy spends it with his. Jess finds that a little concerning, but doesn't comment. It isn't until everyone is getting ready for bed the first night and Jess starts making up the couch for Jeremy that he gets it. They don't exactly have space for an adult couple to comfortably spend the night. Jess feels a wave of guilt at not having a home capable of accommodating all of his children at the same time, followed by gratitude that Jeremy was staying with them anyway, instead of opting to stay with Kristie at her parents' house or in the apartment over the diner where he could have his own space until April and her boyfriend got to town on Christmas Eve.

Jess finally talks to Mallory about getting a dog and she signs on with the stipulation that they don't get something too big. Something Winston-sized or smaller, she tells him. Three days before Christmas, Jess takes Jeremy and Darius to the animal shelter to pick out a family dog. His plan is to surprise Evie on Christmas morning with a cute little wiggly puppy. And, it feels important to him that his boys get to be part of the selection process, especially Darius who never got to have a childhood dog. Jess regrets that choice now, thinks maybe he had been too cautious. Maybe a dog would have helped Darius settle down sooner, provided the kid a trusted source of unconditional love right from the start. Jess makes his way down the main corridor at the shelter, baby talking each dog while he keeps his eyes open for a smallish one, his heart feeling heavy as dog after dog approaches the fencing between them making his or her bid for adoption. He feels glad that he hasn't brought Evie along, knowing that she's a sensitive kid and all the unwanted dogs would break her heart. Jeremy taps him on the shoulder and tilts his head toward where Darius is down on one knee, the fingers of one hand holding onto the fencing of a cage that at first appears empty to Jess. He and Jeremy move to stand next to Darius and the dog comes into view. It's a large dog, but Jess can't tell the breed or age. All he can see is that it's big and light brown and it's sitting as far back from the fence as it can get, facing the back corner, it's body trembling slightly with fear. Jess watches Jeremy crouch down next to his brother. He sees the sympathy and pain in Darius's eyes and he feels his own wanting to well up in solidarity. He reads the dog's name off the sign attached to the fencing. Jess stands behind his middle child, gently pats him on the shoulder, rubs his back for a moment, _so, what do you guys think?_ _Is Rufus our dog_?

The dog stays out of sight at Luke's house until Christmas when Luke brings him over at five in the morning to make sure the dog is there before Evie wakes up, a festive red ribbon attached to his collar. Mallory gives Jess a mock-stern look at the size of the dog and he plays innocent, _hey, talk to your sons, I was all on board with a small dog, but they fell in love with this behemoth_. It's one of the best Christmases Jess can remember ever having, full of excitement over their newest family member. They give Roofus love, attention and treats until he feels relaxed in his new home. They take him on long walks as a family. On one ferociously snowy and windy day, they don't leave the house at all, except to take Roofus out to the yard a few times to relieve himself. They spend hours around the table drinking hot chocolate and tea, playing Scrabble, then watching movies together in the living room, snuggled up with blankets, just the five of them. They spend family time at Luke and Lorelai's, Dr. Howard's and Liz and TJ's, and Jess soaks up every minute of it.

Jess takes more pictures on his phone than he's ever taken in his life. He wants to remember all of it, every moment with his family. He knows it's only a matter of time until something changes and it becomes difficult to get his family together for an extended period of time like this. His heart hurts at the thought. It feels like an ending of sorts. There's no way for it not to. Jess doesn't yet know what's to come.

He doesn't know that his heart will break a year later when Kristie accepts a job in Los Angeles after finishing her MBA. That Jeremy will tell him that they're staying on the west coast, _at least for now, _but that Jess will hear it as _forever_. Or that they'll have a change of heart two years later when they learn they're expecting a baby the week after Kristie's company decides to downsize and cut her position. Jess doesn't know that Jeremy and Kristie will buy a house in Stars Hollow and that Jeremy will remain less than a five mile drive from Jess for the rest of his life. He doesn't know that they'll lose the baby, that trying to get pregnant again will put a strain on their relationship that will worry Jess, that after a very stressful year they will decide on adoption. That they will take in a set of siblings, a five year old girl and a three year old boy. Or that they will conceive long after they've given up hope, a year after the adoption has been finalized, and give their new son and daughter a baby sister, or how much Jess will absolutely love being a grandpa to all three of them. He doesn't know that Darius will move back east after graduating with a degree in business. That Darius will accept an entry level finance job at a company in Philadelphia, that he'll hate the job but meet a charming girl in the marketing department that he'll end up spending his life with. That when Darius brings the girl, Amaya, home to meet his family, she'll win Jess over immediately by how well she understands his little boy. That she'll tell Jess that's she's a former foster kid, too, and that her adoptive parents had bought her the novels he wrote and how much reading them had helped her work through some of what she'd experienced in foster care. That she will forget her phone on the counter one evening while Jess is making dinner and when it rings, Jess will instinctively turn toward the sound and forget to breathe for a moment when he finds himself staring into familiar soulful brown eyes above the word 'mom.' That it will take three days and multiple conversations with Mallory and Luke and Jeremy for Jess to work up the nerve to call Charisse, but when he does it will feel like something he should have done ages ago. That he'll silently tear up as he listens to her talk about adopting her son and two daughters with her husband and he'll tell her about fostering Jeremy first, by himself, how terrified he was, but how that choice has led to every other good thing in his life. That he'll apologize for how he was when they were together and he'll thank her, telling her that he never would have fostered Jeremy, never even would have thought about doing something like that, if it hadn't been for her influence, how grateful he will always be for the ways she changed him. That when they meet in person at Darius and Amaya's wedding, Charisse will greet him with a warm smile and a hug. That he'll watch her hold hands with her husband at the small reception of family and close friends, take in the loving way the man looks at her, the way her eyes get damp as she watches her husband dance with her daughter and he'll find peace in knowing that everything happened the way it was supposed to, and finally be able to let go of the guilt he felt for the man he had been when he was with her. Jess doesn't know that he and Jeremy will plan a surprise party for Luke's eightieth birthday, that they'll invite what feels like half the town, and enforce a dress code of flannel shirts and backwards baseball caps in Luke's honor. That Jess will be unable to sleep the night before, worrying about how Luke will take it even though Jeremy tries to convince him it will be good, or that his uncle will surprise him, being both humbled and flattered by the appreciation and attention he usually hides from. That Luke will get Jess alone as the party is winding down and they'll have a moment that Jess will always remember, when Luke thanks him for being like a son to him all these years and tells him how proud of him he is, always, for the family and the life that he's built for himself, or that Luke will die of a heart attack a week later, early one morning while he's opening the diner with Caesar. Or the conversation Jess will have with Darius when Evie is a junior at a state college two and a half hours away and living in an off campus apartment with friends, when Darius will get a little emotional as he tells Jess and Mallory what amazing parents they were to him, and how he feels that they should foster again so they can do for other kids what they did for him. At almost sixty, Jess will feel too old to chase after toddlers or raise another child, especially another child as tough as Darius was, but the more he and Mallory think about it and talk about it, the more they think they're capable of providing a safe, supportive environment for a teenager, the way Jess had for Jeremy so many years ago. Several teenagers will spend time in their home over the next decade or so, some for a year or two, some for mere months. Some that become family and keep in touch for the rest of their lives, and some that don't. Some that go on to experience immense success, like the young woman who earns a spot at Trinity College despite so much in her life being stacked against her. And, others that turn eighteen and opt out of foster care without a high school diploma, with minimum wage jobs, sometimes as new moms or dads. That caring for their foster children will give Jess and Mallory a common purpose and sense of fulfillment long after they would otherwise have an empty nest. That he will fall more and more in love with Mallory with each passing year. That the lack of commercial success for his writing will feel like less of a disappointment when he lets himself accept that his real legacy lies with the children he's helped care for, his own and other people's.

That everything will be ok. Better than ok. That the rest of Jess's life will be so much greater and more fulfilling than he knows he has any right to hope for, full of love and family and meaning, and that when it's his time, he'll depart this life in a hospital bed surrounded by the people he loves most, feeling grateful for one last moment with his family.

But, Jess doesn't know any of that this Christmas. He takes a few deep breaths and does the best he can to let go of worrying about the future, or dwelling on what he stands to lose. He makes himself focus on the only thing he really has, the now.


	25. Chapter 25 - Deleted Scenes

**Chapter Notes: **My attempt at relieving a few moments of quarantine boredom. Just a few fleshed out scenes from the wrap up in the last chapter. As always, I'd love to hear from you guys, and reviews and constructive criticism are warmly welcomed. I hope you're all doing well and staying safe.

**Trigger Warnings: ** Off camera death. Grief. Nothing you didn't already hear about in the last chapter.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls

Jess wasn't expecting anything good. He had been feeling a fluttering of nerves in his stomach since the moment he'd received the text from Jeremy an hour earlier: 'Mom has parents' night at school tonight, right? Can I come by and talk to you while she's out?' And, watching Jeremy now, sitting across from him at the kitchen table, his son's expression serious as he focused on slowly pulling his tea bag out of the steaming liquid in front of him and flattening it against the edge of his mug with his spoon, Jess was sure his instincts had been right. This wasn't going to be good.

Jess knew that things hadn't been easy for Jeremy and Kristie lately, ever since the miscarriage a little over a year ago, really. That trying to get pregnant again had become a source of tension between them. That Kristie felt like she had moved back to Connecticut and settled for a lower paying job in Hartford to raise her child and has been questioning the validity of those choices the longer they went without conceiving. And, that Jeremy hasn't been able to give up on the idea of having a baby of their own. Jess was aware that they've been, if not outright fighting, more tense with each other than usual, or avoiding each other all together, with Jeremy dropping by the house for dinner, or according to Luke, by the diner to chat, without Kristie, more often than with her. Jess had only really asked about it once, his concern for his son outweighing his agreement with Mallory that they shouldn't pry, and Jeremy, seemingly caught off guard, had given him a vague answer, that they were just going through a rough patch, but they were fine, really. They just needed a little space at the moment. Jess had wanted to believe his son, but looking at him now, he knew what Jeremy wanted to tell him and his heart hurt for his son. They were separating. Jess could feel it and it was breaking his heart. He couldn't stand the idea of Jeremy and Kristie separating. Jess loved Kristie. Mallory loved Kristie. But, most importantly he knew how much Jeremy loved Kristie and he couldn't take the idea of his son being alone and heartbroken at almost forty years old. He felt like he had personally failed his child somehow. He wondered if getting married instead of just living together all these years would have cemented them together differently and kept them together through this. He knew even as he had the thought that it was pointless, that marriage provided no insurance against heartbreak, that marriages ended every day. Jeremy set his tea bag and spoon down on a napkin and finally looked up. Jess schooled his features into loving support, not wanting Jeremy to see his own hurt and fear for his son in his eyes.

"So, uh." Jeremy started. "Kristie and I are going to stop trying. To get pregnant. We're going to move forward with fostering and hopefully find a kid or two that wants us to adopt them." Jeremy gave Jess a small smile. "So, that's what I wanted to tell you."

Jess could feel a grin spreading on his face as relief swept over him and the nervous feeling in his gut finally subsided. "That's great, Jeremy! I couldn't recommend adoption more."

"Really?" Jeremy frowned slightly. "You wouldn't recommend having your own child over adopting?"

Jess could feel the smile fading from his own face. "What? Of course, not."

Jess watched Jeremy's expression shift to annoyance and when he spoke, his voice had an edge to it that Jess didn't appreciate. "Are you seriously going to sit there and tell me that getting to raise Evie, who was all yours from the moment she was born, wasn't better than dealing with all Darius's shit at nine, or mine at seventeen?"

"Jeremy." Jess made his voice more stern with his oldest child than he had in years, and Jeremy's anger seemed to deflate a little in the face of the reprimand.

"I'm just saying." Jeremy's voice was gentler now. "Having Evie was a totally different experience for you than adopting me and Darius. You didn't even get to raise me."

Jess took a deep, steadying breath. "That's true. I missed out on getting to raise you, but that doesn't change how I feel about you or how much I love being your dad. It doesn't, in any way, make you any less my child than Evie is."

"I know. I'm sorry. I just…...I wasn't ready to give up on having our own child." Jeremy looked away for a moment, and Jess wasn't sure what to say. "I sound like an asshole."

Jess shook his head. "No. No, Jeremy you don't. Look at me, Jeremy." Jess waited for Jeremy to comply. "You don't sound like an asshole. You're not an asshole."

"I _feel _like an asshole. I appreciate being adopted _so_ much."

Jess didn't like how stressed Jeremy looked at the idea that Jess could possibly think otherwise. "I know. I know you do."

"It's _the_ single, most important thing that's ever happened to me. I'm _so_ grateful that I was adopted."

"I know, Jeremy. It's all right."

"It's so stupid. I love you so much. I love having you for a dad." Jess took in the earnest, almost guilty expression on Jeremy's face.

Jess forced a smile as he tried to follow the segue in the conversation. "I know. I love you, too, son."

"I love being part of this family." Jeremy said.

Jess nodded and gave Jeremy a small smile. "Good to hear. So do I."

"And, I know how selfish this sounds…..but this was my last chance to actually be related to someone. I've never had that…..I didn't even realize how important that was to me until Kristie got pregnant…...I mean, growing up in foster care I always wanted to be related to someone. I used to have these fantasies when I was a kid about a long lost half-sibling showing up, like maybe my dad had a kid from a previous relationship that he didn't know about or something and they'd find me somehow and I'd have this older brother or sister. I would have settled for an aunt or uncle, or a cousin or a grandparent or anyone, just to have an actual family member. But, after you adopted me and I got all those things, I got all those people in my life anyway, people that I had real relationships with, not fantasies, not being related to anyone didn't feel like it mattered anymore."

"Jeremy, you're my son. It doesn't matter how I got you. I couldn't love you more-"

"I know." Jeremy cut in, his voice slightly agitated. "That's what I'm saying. It doesn't matter, or it _shouldn't_ matter. I work with adopted families at work all the time. I know how great adoption can be. I didn't expect to feel this disappointed. I didn't realize how much I had been looking forward to finally having someone that I'm related to. Who might look like me, or be like me in ways that no one else is."

"I think that's a natural reaction, Jeremy. You wanted one thing, something that was very important to you, and now you've had to shift your expectations. It's hard and it hurts. I get it."

"And, it's not like I'm not open to adoption. Of course, I am. I _want_ to adopt. But, I'd always kind of pictured doing both, with me and Kristie ending up with a family kind of like ours, with one or two biological kids and one or two adopted ones. I didn't realize how attached I was to the idea of having my own, but when Kristie told me that she wanted to stop trying…...it just _hurt_ so much more than I expected. I felt so…...crushed. Which I know is stupid because I have so much in my life to be grateful for. And, I didn't want to make her feel bad because I know how hard this has been on her. The miscarriage. Trying all this time and not getting anywhere. It's been worse for her. I know that. And, I know I'm being stupid. I have a family. I got lucky and I should want to do the same for another kid who needs a family. I know what it's like to be an unloved child and I feel like, more than anything else, I should want to give another kid all the things you gave me."

Jess felt his heart hurt for his son, in an entirely different way than how he had expected at the start of this conversation, but it was real pain just the same. "There are no shoulds here, Jeremy. Ok? There's no one way that you're supposed to feel. How you feel is how you feel."

"Darius and Amaya want to adopt. Did you know that?"

"What?" Jess felt a spike of worry for his other, barely-out-of-college son.

"Don't get worked up, Dad. I don't mean right now, but in a few years, when they're ready. They've already talked about being open to the idea. Darius told me. Because they were both adopted and they want to pay it forward because they don't suck."

"You don't suck, Jeremy."

"I feel like I suck. I feel selfish. Darius doesn't care about being related to someone else. But, it's all I've been able to think about since Kristie got pregnant, and again since she said she wants to stop trying. I think she thought I'd be more excited about the idea of adopting, and I feel like I let her down, like now she feels like she's disappointing me or something and I just feel so shitty about everything."

"You aren't letting her down. You're respecting her choice to stop trying to get pregnant. But, you're allowed to be sad about what you're losing out on. And, I get wanting a blood connection to someone in your family. Growing up with Liz as my only relative…..I wanted that, too. It's the reason I ran away from Luke's to find Jimmy as soon as I was old enough to go. I get it. There's nothing wrong with how you feel right now."

"I just…...this isn't the way I thought of myself. As someone so ungrateful that we aren't having a baby that I can't get excited about adopting."

"Don't beat yourself up, Jeremy. If there's one thing I've learned it's that you can't control how you feel. You can only control what you do. It's ok to be disappointed that things aren't going to go the way you hoped. That doesn't make you a bad person, or an ungrateful person. You've never been either of those things. You'll move past this disappointment and you'll get more excited. The way you feel right now doesn't mean that whichever kid finds his way into your home isn't going to have the most loving and amazing dad. And, it doesn't mean that you won't fall in love with that kid as completely and fully as you've ever loved anyone."

"I know I'll love whoever we end up parenting. I just keep picturing the parts I'll miss. Welcoming our baby into the world. Raising our child from day one. Seeing pieces of myself and of Kristie in our child. I'm just having trouble getting past the idea of not having a baby of our own."

"I know. This is a rough blow, son, I get it. It would be for anyone in your situation. I know you understand that we don't all get everything we want in life, Jeremy. And, you've been shortchanged in your life so much more than most, on so many levels, and it breaks my heart to see you missing out on something else you really want. But, you're a good person. You have a strong relationship with a woman who loves you and wants to start a family with you. I have no doubt that you will be an incredible dad to a whole house full of adopted children, if that's what you want to do. And, sometimes, what we _are_ given has to be enough. But, feeling sad and disappointed isn't wrong. It's normal and human."

Jeremy sighed.

"And, I know how you feel." Jess continued. "I love your mother very much. But I felt like you do now when she first told me that she wanted to adopt instead of having a baby of our own. And, I already had you. I already knew in my heart that I could never love anyone more than I already loved you. But, I still wanted a baby of my own, and I was disappointed that Mallory didn't."

"But, then you got Evie." Jeremy said.

"We did. We did get Evie. But, I was willing to accept the trade-off if we hadn't. To have my family be just you and Mal, and any other kids we ended up adopting. I know how you feel about Kirstie and I know that you want to adopt, but you need to make sure you're ok with this trade-off, too."

"I am. There's no question." Jeremy said. "I would choose Kristie even if she didn't want kids at all. She loves me like no one ever has." Jeremy paused. "She loves me like _you_ love me." Jess disagreed with the notion that anyone could love his child like he did, but he kept his mouth shut. "And, I love her so much. I can't imagine not being with her.

Jess nodded, his expression serious. "Ok, then. That's a good thing to know."

Jeremy sighed deeply and Jess wondered if anything he had said had really helped his son at all. "It is. It's a good thing. And, I'll be ok. Once I…...get over how I feel right now. I'll be fine. Kristie and I will be fine." Jeremy gave Jess a small smile. "I think I'll be pretty good at adopting."

Jess returned the smile. "I think so, too." Jess let his smile turn into a smirk. "I mean, how could you not? You had a pretty amazing role model, right?"

Jeremy huffed out a quiet laugh and Jess savored the sound. "My role model wasn't too terrible. I'll give you that." Jeremy smiled and it looked authentic to Jess for the first time since his son arrived. "Thanks for listening to me. I really needed to talk about this and I didn't want to dump any of it on Kristie. I didn't want her to feel like I was pressuring her or anything."

"I get it. Sometimes everyone needs to talk things through with someone outside of their relationship. Whenever you feel like you need to talk, about this or anything else, I'm here to listen. To just hear whatever you need to get off your chest. You know that, right? I'm always here for you."

"I know you are, Jess. Thanks."

"Good. Because I love you so much, Jeremy." Jess smiled as he scooted back his chair and stood up, walking around the table and stopping beside his still seated son. He gently cupped the back of Jeremy's skull and bent to drop a kiss on the top of his head. Jess pulled back and watched his son turn to look up at him, taking some level of satisfaction in what he saw in the boy's eyes, a hopefulness that hadn't been there when he had first arrived. Jess smiled and shoved lightly at Jeremy's shoulder. "Now, get your ass up. I need to hug my kid."

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Jeremy heard the front door open and close behind him and sighed. He'd been hoping for a few more minutes of solitude and wasn't sure he was ready to face anyone yet.

"There room for one more out here?" Darius asked.

Jeremy turned to look up over his left shoulder to where his brother was standing on Lorelai's porch, looking eager, but unsure. "Or, if you don't want company." Darius continued. "It's cool. I can just….." He hooked a thumb over his shoulder back toward the house.

Jeremy nodded and forced a small smile onto his face, not wanting to reject his brother's offer of companionship. "Sure, company sounds good." He picked up his half empty beer bottle to make room on the porch step next to him. "Come sit down. How have you been? Tell me all about life in Philly." Jeremy tried to direct the conversation toward Darius because he wasn't sure he was up for any more talk about Luke.

Darius walked down two steps and sat down a couple of feet from his brother. "Life in Philly is good. Expensive, but good. We're thinking of moving somewhere cheaper in a couple of years or so. Maybe buying a condo or something."

"A condo?" Jeremy infused playful disbelief into his voice. "Wow, you're turning into a real grownup."

"That I am. Amaya's been a…...maturing influence on me. She's really got her shit together."

"And, how are things with you and Amaya? You guys seem good."

Darius grinned. "We _are_ good. Amaya's _very_ good. She's great." Darius tipped his head in the direction of the house behind them. "She's in there hanging out with Harrison's daughter. Sophie really bonded to her and hasn't let her out of her sight all afternoon. Kids always love her. She's going to make such a great mom, someday."

Jeremy smiled as he took in the happiness on his brother's face at the idea of Amaya mothering his future children. "I'm sure she will. I picture you both being pretty good at it."

"Thanks." Darius said. His expression grew serious. "But, hey, I didn't come out here to talk about me." He reached out a hand and lightly knocked his knuckles against Jeremy's arm. "Are you doing ok?"

Jeremy didn't really feel ok, but he nodded anyway. It had been a hard day. Kristie had already left the funeral reception to go home to relieve the babysitter, but Jeremy was determined to stay until Jess left. As hard as today was on him, he knew it had to be worse for his dad and he wanted to be there for him as much as he could. He had come outside because he'd needed a minute after accidentally walking in on Lorelai quietly crying in the bathroom. She had composed herself quickly and hugged Jeremy tightly, telling him how much Luke had loved him and how proud his uncle had always been of him. It had been almost more than Jeremy could take and he had come outside to collect himself afterward. He trained his eyes forward, staring out into Lorelai's yard, fiddling with the bottle in his hands. "Yeah. I'm all right. How are you doing?"

Jeremy could see Darius shrug slightly out of the corner of his eye. "I'm ok, I guess." Jeremy could feel his brother's gaze on him, but didn't turn toward him. "It was so sudden. I mean, Uncle Luke was such a healthy guy for someone his age. It's hard to wrap my head around him having a heart attack and being gone, just like that."

Jeremy nodded again. "I know. Me too."

"It's been hard on me, and I know you were closer to him than I was." Jeremy looked over at Darius at that, his brow furrowed. "I mean, I loved him, too, and I'll miss him. A lot. He was a great guy and he was always really good to me, to Evie, too, but you guys always seemed to have a next level kind of thing going on. It always felt like he was more like your second dad." Jeremy gave his brother a small smile for acknowledging his bond with their great uncle. "So, I just wanted to check in with you and make sure you're all right, or if you want to talk or anything."

Jeremy raised a hand to squeeze Darius's shoulder. "Thanks, Darius. I appreciate that. I'm not really ok right now, but I will be." The door opened behind them and Jeremy took back his hand as both men turned to look behind them.

"Hey, here you guys are." Evie said. Jeremy took in how mature his sixteen year-old sister looked in her plain black dress and shoes. From the look of her she had been crying more recently than what Jeremy had witnessed during the funeral that had ended a few hours ago.

"Hey, sad munchkin, come hang out with your big brothers." Darius scooted another foot away from Jeremy to make room for their sister. Jeremy watched Evie try to smile as she crossed the porch toward them, taking a seat on the porch step between them. Jeremy's mind went back to an incident soon after Darius had come to live with their parents, when Jeremy had inadvertently moved one of nine-year-old Darius's action figures and Darius had lashed out at him viciously, unleashing an angry tirade of homophobic slurs that had left Jeremy with the distinct feeling that if they had been the same age and known each other in foster care, Darius would have been one of the kids who had bullied him. He watched Darius wrap an arm around Evie and rub small circles on her shoulder with his thumb and thought about how surprisingly kind Darius had turned out, and what a good brother he was to both Evie and Jeremy.

"You doing ok, Evie?" Jeremy asked. The girl looked toward him and nodded, her sad eyes undermining her response.

"I guess." She said. "It's just so sad. I'm going to miss Uncle Luke so much."

"Me too." Jeremy said.

"We all will." Darius agreed.

"Dad's going to miss Uncle Luke even more than we are." Jeremy said. "This is like losing a parent for Dad. So, we all need to be there for him a little extra for the next while. He's going to be sad and he's going to want to be around us, but since he's Dad, he isn't going to ask outright because he's going to worry about being a burden. So, we all just need to…...be there. Check in with him more. Listen to him if he wants to talk. And, just be there for him, like he's always been there for us." Jeremy thought about Mallory's mother being killed all those years ago and how badly he had failed at being there for her and how he wasn't going to make the same mistake now, and wasn't going to let his little brother and sister make that mistake at all.

Evie nodded solemnly. "Jeremy's right." She turned toward Darius. "Maybe you should stay in town longer so we can all hang out as a family more. Dad would really like that, don't you think?"

"Oh, munchkin." Darius played with an end of Evie's long, black hair, idly running it between his thumb and index finger. "We need to head back to Philly tomorrow. I have to be back in the office on Thursday for a meeting that I can't miss, and Amaya's got work stuff, too. But, I'll call and facetime him a lot more often. You too, if you're lucky."

Darius smirked and Evie frowned at him and turned back toward Jeremy, lowering her voice slightly. "Don't you guys think it's weird that Uncle Logan didn't come with Aunt Rory and Leelee? It's disrespectful, right?"

"Yeah. It's pretty messed up." Darius agreed. "Uncle Luke was Aunt Rory's stepdad and Leelee's grandfather. I feel like he should be here for them."

"And, I feel like Aunt Rory's embarrassed by it. I was here with Aunt Lorelai when Aunt Rory and Leelee got in yesterday, and I could tell she was embarrassed to say that he hadn't come with her."

"It's probably for the best." Jeremy said. "Uncle Luke never liked him, anyway." Darius laughed lightly at that. "Neither does Dad. It's probably better that he's not here in Dad's face today."

"Maybe." Evie conceded. "But, it doesn't seem like it's the best for Aunt Rory. She lost someone who was like a Dad to her and she doesn't even have her partner here for emotional support."

Jeremy nodded his agreement. "I agree with you. I think she should be able to expect more from him. You should definitely hold out for a guy who you can expect more from."

Evie smiled at him. "Ohh-kay, Jeremy." Her response was colored with a mix of familiarity and amusement that let Jeremy know she'd heard this from him before, probably too often. Jeremy couldn't help it. The older Evie got, the more Jeremy worried about how quickly an attachment to the wrong guy could derail her life. He saw it often enough among the foster youth he worked with, how common low self-esteem could be among even smart, pretty girls and how easily some could form unhealthy relationships with young men who didn't value them. He saw it with the biological mothers who lost custody of their children because of their unwillingness to separate from a physically abusive or substance-addicted partner. He felt it in his own story of his father pushing his mother to her death. He worried about Evie more than he had about Darius at her age. The world view that had been crafted by the narrative of Jeremy's life had left him with the distinct feeling that being a girl was intrinsically more fraught with the potential for victimization.

"Aunt April seems like she's doing ok, but I wonder if she really is. It seems impossible to be ok when she's losing her Dad so soon after getting divorced. I worry about her. I'm glad Aunt Doula and Uncle Mike live in Boston now, too, but I still feel like Aunt April and Marie should move back to Stars Hollow."

Darius chuckled. "You sound like Uncle Luke."

"April's tough." Jeremy said. "And, I honestly think she's happier just being with her daughter than she was with her husband, at least for the last few years. I think April and Rory are alike in that way. I don't think you need to worry about either of them."

Darius nodded. "I think Jeremy's right, munchkin. Aunt April seems like she's doing all right to me."

"I guess so." The girl shrugged, clearly unconvinced. "They invited me out to Boston for a girls' weekend next month. Aunt April said she'd give me a tour of her lab."

"That sounds like it'll be fun." Jeremy thought back to what a happy, unbothered kid Evie had been until she'd reached her teens a few years ago and her positive energy had expanded to make room for what felt like outsized worry and concern, for herself, the people she cared about, and even strangers going through hardship. Jeremy told himself it was a natural transition, to develop stronger empathy with maturity, and greater anxiety and distrust from life experience, but he could see more of himself in his sister than in anyone else in his family, and sometimes that worried him.

"Yeah. It will be." She leaned into each of her brother's sides, one after the other, hugging them each tightly. "I love you guys."

Jeremy reciprocated the hug, telling her he loved her, too, and then watched Darius do the same when it was his turn. Darius ended the hug by furtively reaching up a hand to playfully ruffle his sister's hair. Evie told him to stop as she pulled back, her expression both annoyed and amused. She got to her feet, a small smile firmly in place on her face. "Ok. I'm going to go back in and check on Dad and hang out with Marie. I just wanted to come see you guys and make sure you were all right."

"I'm glad you did." Jeremy said.

"Later, munchkin." Darius said.

Jeremy watched his little sister head back into the house. He turned back to Darius. "I don't want to keep you out here, if you want to head back in with everyone, too."

"I'm good here." Darius reached for Jeremy's beer bottle and took a long sip before handing it back. The intimacy of the action touched Jeremy and made him think about the concern he had harbored so long ago, the one that seemed unfounded now, that the large age difference would awkwardly distance him from Darius and Evie and keep them from having a real sibling bond. "I'm staying with you until you're ready to head back in."

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Jeremy started the car and pulled out of his freshly shoveled driveway. His mind went back to his family, still sleeping snuggled in their warm beds the morning after the snowstorm, Kristie in their room with their infant daughter a few feet away in her crib, and Phoebe and Justin in their bedrooms down the hall. Today was Jeremy's day off from the Department of Child and Family Services, and while he planned to spend the majority of his day with Kristie and the kids, he had a few things he wanted to take care of first.

Jeremy's first stop was Lorelai's house because he knew she liked to get to the inn early. He wondered if she would ever sell the inn and just relax, maybe spend more time with Rory and Leelee in New York, or if she'd be like Luke and run her business until she no longer could. He could tell the plows had already been down her street as he parked in front of her house. He pulled his shovel from the backseat and was about halfway through shoveling out the jeep in Lorelai's driveway when he heard a knock and looked up to see Lorelai watching him from her kitchen window. She grinned when they made eye contact and joined the fingers and thumbs of both hands to form a heart. Jeremy lowered his scarf so that she could see him smiling back and waved. Lorelai held a mug up to the window and pointed at it, then at Jeremy, a questioning expression on her face. He shook his head and mouthed no thank you, then waved again and returned to his shoveling. Jeremy liked doing things like this for Lorelai, things that his Uncle Luke would have appreciated. He liked the idea of his uncle watching over him and smiling down on him in approval. As Jeremy shoveled, he thought about his second Thanksgiving with his family, when Harrison had spent the holiday weekend riding out the snowstorm in the apartment above the diner with him and Jess and Mallory. He reflected on how he had barely known Harrison back then, at the early stages of a now over twenty-year-old friendship, and how lucky he felt that he still had Harrison in his life. He thought about how he and Harrison had helped Luke and April shovel out the diner, and then Lorelai's driveway, where she had greeted them with hot chocolate and cookies from Weston's when they were done. He remembered how good that weekend had been, and how proud and grateful he had felt to have a family to share with Harrison. He thought about how, even back then, he had already understood that Luke was the glue that held their extended family together, bonding Jess and Jeremy to Lorelai and Rory, April, and Liz and TJ in ways they wouldn't have been without him. Jeremy wanted to make sure things stayed like that. He wanted his children to grow up with all the family that he had had, and he was willing to be the one to put in the work to keep them all connected.

Jeremy's next stop was his grandparents's house. Neither of them worked anymore, and Jeremy knew they likely weren't even up yet, but he wanted them to have a clear driveway in case they wanted to go out at any point today. He didn't want his eighty-two year old grandfather out there shoveling their cars out. He didn't need to lose a second family member to a heart attack in less than a year. As Jeremy shoveled, he thought about the time he had built his first snow people with TJ and a ten-year-old Doula. And, how Jess had come to pick him up and agreed to stay for a family Scrabble night. Jeremy knew Jess's relationship with Liz would always be complicated, but Jeremy looked back at that night as a turning point in their relationship, when Jess had started down the path toward forgiving his mother and he and Jess had started to gel with Jeremy's grandparents more like a real family. He thought about his plan to take his two older children outside to build snow people when he got home, and wondered if Kristie would be up for them taking the kids over to their great-grandparents' house and playing in the snow there, instead. He knew Liz and TJ would really enjoy that.

Jess was already outside, shoveling out Mallory's car, when Jeremy pulled up at his parents' house. Jeremy watched from the driver's seat as his father looked up at his approach. He took in the grin that appeared on the man's face at the instant of recognition. Jeremy never got tired of that grin, or the warm feeling he got at knowing he could cause it with his mere presence. His mind flashed forward, unbidden, to a future when he would lose Jess the way he had Luke. He did his best to push down his maudlin thoughts and focus on the moment as he turned off the ignition and got out of the car, pulling his shovel out of the backseat.

"Hey, kid!" Jess greeted him halfway down the driveway, his smile still bright and a shovel in hand. He pulled Jeremy into a half hug, grinning playfully as he pulled back. "This is a nice surprise. Thought your ancient dad needed your help, huh?"

Jeremy smiled. "Maybe I just needed the company." Jeremy looked around. "Shouldn't Devon be out here helping you? Isn't free labor the whole point of fostering a seventeen year-old boy?"

"Devon had a visit with his mom yesterday. He wasn't doing that great after and he couldn't sleep last night. Mallory stayed up talking to him, so I'm letting those guys sleep in. And, really?" Jess asked. "Is that all you remember from me fostering your seventeen year-old ass? Just putting you to work around the house?"

Jeremy smiled at that. "I did do an awful lot of your laundry those first couple of years."

"Hey!" Jess laughed. "You did that all on your own! Don't blame me just because you thought you needed to do domestic labor to earn my love."

"You're ridiculous." Jeremy laughed and angled his head toward the still snow covered driveway. "So, you want a hand since I'm already here, or what?"

"Well, it's not that I don't appreciate the offer, and I always love your company, but don't you think your grandparents could use your help more than me?"

"I'm way ahead of you. I already shoveled out their cars. Lorelai's, too."

Jess grinned as he reached out and patted the side of Jeremy's face with a gloved hand. "What a good boy you are."

"That's me." Jeremy agreed. "You're my third stop this morning. Does that make you feel any less ancient?"

Jess laughed. "Yes, yes, it does, my friend. Thank you for that." Jess turned and headed back toward Mallory's car, and Jeremy followed.

They set to work shoveling side by side for a few moments in companionable silence.

"I miss him." Jeremy said, keeping his eyes trained on the pile he was shoveling.

"I know." Jess looked over toward Jeremy as he dumped another shovelful of snow to the side of the driveway. "Me too."

"I'm glad he got to meet my kids." Jeremy kept shoveling as he spoke, appreciating having something to do with his hands. "I'm glad he was still around when Rachel was born and that he got to know her, even just for a few months."

"I am, too. Nothing made your Uncle Luke happier than getting to welcome a new member of the family." Jess paused, looking over toward his son as he dug his shovel into a new pile of snow. "He was…...so proud of you, Jeremy, and he loved you so much. You know that, right?"

Jeremy nodded, a little choked up. He could feel Jess's gaze on him, but didn't look away from the snow drift he was working on. "I know."

"Did I ever tell you that when I first introduced you to Luke, for…...the first year, at least, I was a little….jealous of your relationship with him."

Jeremy felt himself smile at the admission. "I think I could maybe sense that, sometimes. But, there was no reason for you to be jealous."

"That's not how it felt from where I was standing." Jess's voice was light, playful. "You guys just clicked right away. You liked him right off the bat."

"I liked you right off the bat, too." Jeremy felt the need to defend his teenage self.

"Sure, how could I not get that with all the 'whatever, Mr. Mariano's' you were giving me all the time."

Jeremy laughed hard enough to shake his shovel and spill some of the snow he was carrying before he could discard it at the side of the driveway. "Stop. That was one time." It still made Jeremy queasy to think of how close he had come to fucking things up with Jess back then and everything that he would have missed out on.

"But you took to Luke like he was your long-lost dad, always talking about baseball and hanging out in the garage with him, sanding wood and watching paint dry and doing whatever the hell else you two did out there." Jeremy chuckled at that and looked over at Jess. "Having your own private text chats. I felt like you two had your own dorky little club from day one."

Jeremy grinned. "Uncle Luke was a good guy. He was so nice to me. And we liked a lot of the same things. What was I supposed to do, just ignore him to make you feel better about yourself?"

Jess laughed. "I'm pretty sure that's what a _good_ son would have done. That's all I'm saying."

Jeremy laughed. "You're ridiculous."

Jess's expression turned serious. "I remember that first Thanksgiving when we were back here helping out at the diner and I walked in on you guys in the kitchen. You were crying and Luke was hugging you. He told me later that you two had been talking about your parents and how hard the holidays were without them." "You opened up to him about stuff pretty early on. I was jealous of that."

Jeremy opened his mouth to tease his father again, then paused. He tried to put himself in Jess's shoes over twenty years ago. He wasn't sure how much he'd like it if he felt that Phoebe or Justin had preferred Jess to him when they had first come to live with him and Kristie. And, he knew that Jess, with no real experience with children then, and taking in a teenager of all things, had to have felt much more insecure about fostering than Jeremy did. He figured the guy deserved an honest response. "Uncle Luke just…...made me feel comfortable. Right away. I remember when I first met him, thinking that he seemed right for me in all the ways that I was still…...unsure about with you. I remember thinking this was the guy I always pictured having for a dad. He made me feel accepted…...and just…...really seen…...and I don't know…...safe, I guess."

Jess nodded. "Yeah, I'd hold it against you, but I guess he made me feel that way when I was seventeen, too. We were both pretty lucky to have had him."

"We definitely were." Jeremy stole a quick glance at his father. "But, I was luckier."

"Oh, yeah?" Jess wasn't making eye contact and Jeremy followed suit, turning his own attention back to the task at hand as he dug his shovel into the next bit of snow in front of him. "How do you figure that?"

"You only got Uncle Luke and I got both of you. And." Jeremy shrugged nonchalantly. "You're not too terrible. You're actually a lot like him."

"You think so?" Jess asked, glancing over at his son.

"Yeah, but not on the surface. At all." Jess laughed at that and Jeremy felt himself smile in response. "But, at a deep down level, I think you guys are a lot alike."

"Thank you for that, but I actually think you're more like him than I am."

Jeremy liked hearing that comparison. "I like to think I'm kind of like him. That how he was might have rubbed off on me, in some small way."

"I think it did. Definitely. You know, once I got over my initial jealousy, I was actually really grateful that I was able to bring you two together, and give you guys each other. It might be one of the best things I've ever been able to give someone I love. Two someone's I love."

"It's up there, for sure. Having Uncle Luke in my life was the second best thing you've ever given me."

"Oh, yeah, what was the first?" Jeremy was amused at Jess's show of casual curiosity.

"Huh." Jeremy smirked at his father. "All these years and you've still never stopped fishing for validation as a parent, huh?"

"Hey!" Jess laughed and lightly tossed a shovelful of snow in Jeremy's direction. Jeremy laughed and dusted off the little that landed on his jeans with a gloved hand. "Wait until your three get a little older and they start judging the shit out of you. I think you'll find that parental validation isn't always easy to find. You'll take it wherever you can get it because you'll never feel like you know if you're doing a good job. And, yeah, sometimes you have to ask for it."

Jeremy laughed softly and stood facing his father, his shovel idle in one hand. "You were a good dad because you always did the best you could for me, accepting me that night Ms. Garcia brought me to your house, keeping me, loving me, being my dad. That's the best thing you've ever given me. I'm glad I got Uncle Luke, and Mom and Darius and Evie and everyone else out of it, but if it had kept being just me and you, if we had had more of a Lorelai and Rory thing going on, it still would have been the best thing I'd ever been given to have you for a dad. It would have been enough. I hope you know that."

"Jeez, Jeremy." Jess huffed out a laugh and rubbed at his eye with a gloved hand. "It's like you _want_ to see my tears freeze to my face like icicles."

Jeremy smiled. "I'm sorry. I just…...losing Uncle Luke so suddenly like that has really made me realize that I want to tell the people I love how I feel while I still can."

"You're a wise man, Jeremy Mariano." Jess removed a glove and cupped the side of his son's head with his bare hand. "And, I love you so much and I'm so glad you're mine. I hope I tell you that enough."

Jeremy gave in to the touch as he had countless times before, letting his head tip forward, feeling the kiss Jess landed just below his knit hat, savoring the contact with a full heart and the aching recognition that he would never know when it would be his last.


	26. Chapter 26 - Quarantine Episode

**Chapter notes**: An older Jess reflects on his life.

**Trigger Warnings**: Quarantine. Missing family.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing but my obsession with these Gilmore Girls characters

This had become one of Jess's favorite moments of the day. When he woke up before anyone else and got to take in the sunrise with a warm cup of coffee in hand, and the peaceful feeling he got from welcoming the new day with only his thoughts and the soft chirping of birds for company. During warm weather, he would open the sliding glass doors and sit outside on a deck chair. During the colder months, he would sip his coffee while leaning against the back of the couch, taking in the outside world from the comfort of his living room, alone with his thoughts. Some mornings he opened his laptop and worked on the novel he was writing, but other mornings, like this one, he contemplated his life.

Jess stood in his living room now, despite the warmth of the late spring day, drinking his coffee and taking in the sight before him. Each panel of the sliding glass doors held several sheets of brightly colored construction paper, three with childishly drawn pictures of a girl with brown skin and dark hair smiling in her maroon graduation cap and gown, while the rest spelled out 'Congratulations Angelica' with one large, carefully decorated block letter per sheet. There was also a small pale green envelope taped to the window with Angelica's name on it that Jess knew would hold a graduation card and a present of either cash or a gift card.

Jess felt his eyes start to dampen with overwhelming love for Jeremy. The feeling quickly rippled outward to encompass all the people he has been given to love, his heart swelling with strong emotion for Mallory, his children, his beautiful grandchildren, his daughters-in-law, and his foster children past and present. He felt it was a symptom of his age, how close to the surface his emotions had become over the past few years, and especially lately. The early rising felt like another. Jess had spent many mornings of his adult life rising before the sun to fit in a trip to the gym or a run before starting his work day, but it had always felt like a struggle against his true nature. The last couple of years, however, he had started finding himself wide awake in bed by five or five-thirty every morning, brain alert and churning while Mallory slept next to him. It had become a source of anxiety until he had learned to embrace the additional period of wakefulness in his day, instead of fighting to go back to sleep. So he had started quietly coming downstairs, and most mornings, standing in his dimly lit kitchen while he brewed a pot of coffee, or took in the view from his back door left him feeling far more positive than continuing to lie in bed, letting his thoughts twist into something bleak and dangerous in the dark.

These days it felt more and more difficult to not let the negative thoughts take hold in his mind. Jess felt like the world was in chaos on so many levels. It seemed impossible to remember the types of things he had worried about before becoming a father and then a grandfather, but the things that preoccupied him most now related to the type of world his grandchildren were going to inherit. He reflected on how the sources of his most significant joy were also his greatest liabilities. With everything going on in the world, all the stressors modern kids had to deal with that he hadn't, from the climate crisis, to school shootings, and now this quarantine, it seemed to Jess that in some ways his grandchildren had been given childhoods equally, if not more, anxiety-provoking than his own, despite their having significantly more loving and stable parents. It wasn't a thought he had ever expected to have at this point in his life. He could still remember the unexpected active shooter drill he had had to take part in one morning while volunteering as a literacy mentor in his granddaughter's first grade classroom, how terrified her little face had looked gathered in a silent circle with her classmates on the floor of the dark classroom, and after remaining calm during the drill and keeping a comforting arm around his granddaughter, how traumatized he had felt on her behalf walking to his car once his volunteer shift had ended.

But, this right here, taking in the love that his son's family had bestowed on his foster daughter. This was a very good start to the day. And, right now, that was what he was aiming for. Getting through each day, each minute, by looking for the good and continuing to put one foot in front of the other, even as he put on his mask to go outdoors or wiped down the food that came into the house or kept up with the news. And, he had a lot of good in his life. He knew that. Jess thought back to how welcoming and loving his family had been to Jeremy way back when Jess had started fostering him and how, now, when the composition of his family had changed due to losses and marriages and children, he still felt grateful for the same support from his family. If there was one thing that his years of fostering had taught him, it was that no one could do it alone.

Jess thought about what a good kid Angelica was. She had been placed with them a week into her senior year of high school, just as Jeremy had been so long ago. Angelica had spent much of her childhood in and out of foster care, but unlike Jeremy, the girl had a living mother whose parental rights had remained intact while the woman had struggled over the years with her sobriety and mental health. Angelica was a kid Jess would have wanted to adopt, had she been adoptable. He assumed the same was true for Mallory, but they had learned to stop having those kinds of 'what if' conversations shortly into their time of fostering teenagers. _What if we could adopt this one_, _what if we had met that one earlier_, _what if we could have loved this child her whole life, imagine how different things could have been for her._ Those conversations were painful and didn't get them anywhere.

Jess felt especially bad that Angelica wasn't going to get a high school graduation, or a prom, or anything more than the small family Zoom celebration they were going to hold today to commemorate her completion of high school. She was a straight A student who had worked hard for every A and deserved to have that recognized. He thought about some of the kids who had spent time in their home over the years who hadn't cared about school very much, kids he and Mallory had struggled with on a daily basis to get them to do even the bare minimum to pass their classes, some who wouldn't have batted an eye over missing their commencement ceremonies. It felt particularly unfair for this to be happening to a kid like Angelica. The girl had been accepted to Trinity College in Hartford. As a foster child, her tuition, dorm room and meal plan would be covered by the Department of Child and Family Services and Jess really hoped things were sufficiently back to normal for her to get to start college on campus in the fall. She was a very motivated student, and Jess had no doubt she could handle college online if she had to, but he really wanted her to be able to have the normal college experience, with all the typical socialization and freedom that entailed, instead of having to attend class remotely at the desk in her room or snuggled into the corner of the couch with her laptop balanced on her knees the way she had finished her high school classes. He wondered if the _normal_ college experience would ever exist again, or if _normal_ in general would look different going forward, or no longer be an applicable term for anything.

Jess wondered if he would wake up to similar artwork next month when the school year officially ended for the non-graduating students. Like Angelica, Mallory was also getting short-changed out of celebrating a major milestone this year. After over forty years as a guidance counselor at Stars Hollow High School, Mallory was retiring. As much as Jess was relieved that Mallory wasn't going to be returning to school in the fall, with all the inherent safety issues that would accompany possible face to face time with hundreds of students, Jess felt for her over what she was missing out on. She was still working, holding student meetings over Zoom or Facetime, and from what Jess understood, spending the bulk of that contact time reassuring her students and helping them cope with their anxiety as they wrapped up their academic year online. But, he couldn't imagine that this felt like a fulfilling ending after a long career of service. Jess remembered his own retirement from the bookstore last year, when, with now or never looming scarily large in his mind, he had decided to focus on his writing full time, and how Harrison, who had inherited the bookstore after Celeste's death, and his husband had insisted on taking Jess, his entire family, and the two part-time store staff members out to dinner after his final shift to celebrate. It had felt to Jess like the perfect retirement celebration, an intimate, nostalgic evening filled with old stories, and remember when's, everyone listening to each other no matter how many times they had already heard the stories. He had known Evie was coming down from Hartford for the dinner, but his best gift that night had been walking into the restaurant to find Darius, already seated and having a drink with Amaya, grinning as he stood to hug him, _congratulations on officially being an old man, Dad_. It had been a Friday evening and the kids had all stayed in town through the weekend, and the very presence of his family around him during that time had helped ease the mental transition into this new phase of his life. It made Jess sad to think that all Mallory was likely to get was a Zoom call with her co-workers followed by one with her family. It wouldn't be the same, and it wouldn't be anywhere near what she deserved.

Jess thought about the other young woman currently sharing a room with Angelica. Yasmine had come into their home during the winter of her junior year. She had been extremely quiet and slow to trust, preferring to withdraw into her room or her phone to talking to her foster parents, and Jess had felt that he was just starting to get to know her when she had left the foster care system to run off with her twenty-four year old boyfriend that summer. They hadn't heard from her again until almost a year later, when the girl had started texting Mallory out of the blue. The two had reestablished a relationship that had led to phone calls and to Yasmine occasionally coming over for dinner and one time, months ago, spending the night when she claimed to have locked herself out of the apartment she shared with her boyfriend while he was working a late shift. The smudge of a bruise under her left eye had made Jess believe there was more to the story, but Yasmine had been adamant that another waitress at her job had accidentally elbowed her in the face when they both reached for orders in the kitchen during a dinner rush. Jess and Mallory hadn't pushed the issue and hadn't heard from Yasmine for so long after that they worried they had scared her off for good with their questions.

A week into the shelter in place ordinance, Yasmine had called Mallory in tears late one night. She and her boyfriend had both lost their jobs. They were running out of money and things had been getting bad between them. Her boyfriend had been drinking more heavily than usual to cope. After much patient coaxing from Mallory, Yasmine had admitted that her boyfriend had hit her, and that it had been different than the other times, and bad enough to really scare her. Jess had driven over there, against Mallory's wishes, at almost two o'clock in the morning to pick her up, knowing that at sixty-six he wasn't as intimidating in a confrontation as he liked to think he had once been, but fueled by righteous anger and the inability to block out the idea that this could be Evie, if he and Mallory had died and her life had played out differently, and how much he would want another man to stick up for his daughter if she had ever found herself walking in Yasmine's shoes. The girl had been waiting on the street two apartments down with only a small bag of possessions in her arms and Jess had almost driven right by her.

He was glad Yasmine was spending this time safe in his home, and he harbored the secret wish that being around Angelica would inspire her to want to get her GED and maybe check out a community college, but while Jess felt some level of affection for every child he had ever parented, no matter how briefly, he couldn't say he felt the same special attachment to Yasmine as he did to Angelica. He thought back to that night, driving over to her apartment, ready to risk his own safety to ensure hers, and the lecture he had gotten from both Mallory and Jeremy the following day on how volatile domestic violence situations were and how unwise it had been to insert himself into someone else's domestic dispute without police intervention. He thought about another lesson he had learned from fostering. That there were things he did for certain foster kids out of love and things he did for other kids solely because he believed they were the right thing to do, and he had learned to stop judging himself so harshly and feeling inadequate for the latter. He had come to understand that nothing could be forced and that sometimes doing what he felt was right was the best he could do for a kid in need, even if the expected emotions weren't attached. He had learned that some foster kids, like Jeremy and Angelica, he would attach to almost immediately, come to think of them as his own, and want to give them everything, and others, like Darius, would require more time to get there, and still others would never let their guards down enough to let him in. He didn't know how things would work out with Yasmine, whether she would remain a part of their lives like he hoped Angelica would, but if she chose not to remain in contact after this, they had at least given her a safe place to ride out the quarantine. He had come to accept that he couldn't do everything he wanted for every kid, and that sometimes he had to let what he could do feel like enough.

Jess heard soft, sock-muted footsteps padding down the hallway behind him and turned to find his daughter, the one person in the world he had attached to fully and completely at first sight, walking into the living room. At twenty-six, four years into teaching third grade, Evie had an apartment with a roommate just outside Hartford. With the indefinite quarantine looming, her roommate had gone to stay with her parents in Massachusetts and Mallory and Jess, hating the idea of their daughter going through this alone, had convinced Evie to return home as well.

Jess smiled at her. "Good morning, Sweetheart."

"Morning, Dad." Evie walked over to Jess and he put an arm around her shoulders, gently pulling her to his side in a one-armed half-hug and kissing the top of her head. "Aww….." Jess watched his daughter smile as she took in the artwork on the window in front of them. "Jeremy's family's been here. This is so sweet."

"Yeah, this was really thoughtful of them." Jess said. "He told me they had a surprise for today, but he wouldn't tell me what it was."

"Dad, you and Mom need to talk to Angelica." Evie said, her voice suddenly serious.

"Hmm….about what?" Jess asked absently as he sipped his coffee, enjoying this moment with his daughter, the tangible feel of her under his arm, the warmth of her body against his side. He was so glad he had this right now. He wanted to hug his grandchildren so badly, to feel the warm weight of them in his arms or snuggled against him on the couch. He wanted to wrap Darius up in a hug and hold onto him long enough to make up for how infrequently he got to see his middle child who still lived in Philadelphia. And, Jeremy, the son he was lucky enough to still have in town, the one he rarely had to go more than two or three days without seeing. He wanted to grab Jeremy by the neck and kiss the side of his head for the millionth time.

"She's worried about what might happen if the dorms aren't open by the fall." Evie said.

"I am, too." Jess said. "But, that's still a few months away. It doesn't look like anything's going to be decided for a while."

"I know. I've had a ton of Zoom meetings on the subject with the administrators from my school. No one knows anything definite yet. But, if campuses aren't open by September and Angelica can't live in a dorm, or doesn't feel _safe_ living in a dorm, she can keep living here and take her classes online, right?"

"Of course, she can. She can stay here for as long as she wants." Jess looked toward his daughter in confusion. "She knows that."

Jess felt Evie pull away and turn to level a disapproving frown at him. It made Jess feel like he was a child that she had expected better of and he felt like he was getting a glimpse into how she was with her students. "No, Dad. She doesn't. If she did, I wouldn't be bringing this up." Evie spoke slowly, as if explaining something to a child. She sighed. "We were talking about this last night. She's worried that you guys might expect her to move out so you can bring in another foster kid. She's worried she might end up being out on her own or that she'll have to try staying with her mother again. You need to clearly tell her that she has a home here if she can't move on campus by September."

"Oh. Ok." It hit Jess hard that he could still be so oblivious about something so important after all these years of fostering and parenting. He felt like he had let Angelica down by not making her understand how wanted she was. He and Mallory normally did make it clear to the youth they fostered that no one was going to be asked to leave with nowhere to go after graduating or turning eighteen, but Angelica had had a solid plan in place for the fall, so that conversation had never come up. "I didn't know she was worried about that." Jess reflected on his thinking regarding 'what if' scenarios not being helpful as a foster parent and realized that even though they hadn't been able to adopt Angelica, it probably would have made a difference to her to have heard that they had wanted to. He tried to take this as another lesson learned, something he could easily make right with a conversation in a couple of hours with Mallory and Angelica, instead of as a personal failure. His mind went back to that time by the side of the road outside Stars Hollow when a teenage Jeremy had broken down crying, begging Jess to let him stay with him even after he had lied, so he wouldn't be alone. The experience had stayed with Jess and gone on to shape the basic tenet of his foster parenting philosophy, that the same fear of being alone would be a part of every kid they took into their home, and that his primary job as a parent, foster or otherwise, was to be there to assuage that fear as much as possible and replace it with a feeling of security, like he had done for Jeremy all those years ago, like Luke had done for him. Jess swallowed hard. "Your mom and I will talk to her today."

"Good."

"Thanks for letting me know."

Evie smiled at him. She had Mallory's smile. The one that always made Jess feel lucky when it was aimed his way. "As someone working in the school system who has no idea what her job is going to look like in the fall, I can tell you she'll appreciate at least knowing she has one thing she can count on." Evie thought for a moment. "You might want to have that same talk with Ian and Josh…..if the offer is good for them, too."

Jess thought about the two boys living above the diner. How Jeremy, who was now working for the Department of Child and Family Services, had called Jess a few weeks ago asking if he would be willing to put up two college students in their old apartment. The boys were former foster youth in their freshman and sophomore years at colleges in Hartford who had had no place to go when their dorms had closed and Jeremy had been scrambling to find housing for them as the already short supply of foster placements shrank further amid the current public health concerns. Jess had agreed and headed over to the apartment to neaten up a bit and stock the fridge and pantry. The boys were adults, nineteen and twenty years old, and Jess was really just expected to serve as their landlord, but he felt responsible for them and insisted on a quick daily Facetime call to check in and make sure they were doing ok. He knew Jeremy checked in on them, too, in his capacity as their social worker, but if the boys felt like Jess's calls were excessive, they were too polite to voice those thoughts. Jess reflected on how grateful he was that in Jeremy's current position dealing with transition age foster youth, he could handle most of his client visits through Facetime with the rare exception of transporting youth to new placements or health care appointments when necessary. Jess had read about a social worker's death online recently and was well aware that there were many social workers still in the field on a daily basis, tasked with wellness checks on children too young to self-report, investigating child abuse claims, or carrying out emergeny removals. When he had mentioned this to Jeremy, his son had scoffed at Jess's worry, claiming he had it good, and pointing out that Harrison was quarantining alone in his own basement so he wouldn't bring anything home from the hospital to his husband and daughter. Harrison had told Jeremy how much he looked forward to hugging his daughter and cuddling up with his husband, and that between what he was dealing with in the emergency room every day and being separated from his family, it all felt harder than anything he had gone through since his time in foster care.

Jess nodded. "The offer is definitely good for those guys, too. I'll bring it up when I check in with them later today."

"Ok. Good."

Jess took a step back and leaned against the back of the couch, lifting his arm again. "Can I get more hugs now that you're done yelling at me?"

Evie smiled. "I suppose so." She closed the gap to Jess, sitting on the edge of the couch back next to him and squishing into his side again. She snaked an arm around his back, resting her hand on his side.

"With your brothers and your nieces and nephew out of hugging range for the moment, you really need to work harder on picking up the slack." Jess kept his voice playful so he wouldn't sound pathetic, even though he couldn't have meant what he said more honestly.

Evie laughed lightly. "Well, I suppose we all have our own cross to bear during this crisis."

"Hey, now." Jess feigned offense as he cuddled his daughter closer to him. They remained in silence for a moment watching the early morning sun lightening the backyard. Jess titled his head toward the window. "I think Angelica will really like this."

"She will for sure. I think she really misses getting to hang out with the kids." Angelica had become Jeremy and Kristie's go to babysitter over the past year and had become attached to their children.

"Yeah, her and me both." Jess said. "Facetiming them and looking at them through the window really doesn't cut it for grandparents. I miss those little people so much."

Evie dropped her head to rest on Jess's shoulder, tightening her squeeze for a moment before patting him on the side. "I know you do, Dad. Hopefully this will all be over soon." She was quiet for a moment. "I really hope this is all over soon."

"Me too." Jess turned his head and landed a quick kiss on his daughter's hair. "I'm so glad you're here with us, kid. You have no idea."

"I am too." Evie said. "This is way better than staying in my apartment all by myself."

"Oh, yeah?" Jess hadn't been sure whether Evie had been humoring them when she had agreed to ride out the quarantine with him and Mallory. She was the kind of person, like her oldest brother, who sometimes prioritized what other people wanted over her own wants. It was normally something that worried Jess, but in this case, he had been grateful she had come home, no matter what her motivation.

"Of course. Free food, free soap and toilet paper, a washer machine that doesn't require quarters, a big screen TV, and I must say." Evie smirked and patted Jess's side. "Quite an accommodating cooking and housekeeping staff."

Jess chuckled. "Your mom and I do aim to please. Make sure you include that on your yelp review of our humble establishment."

"Will do." Evie lifted her head and Jess watched his daughter pull back and turn to look up at him. "Speaking of accommodating, Mom said I could Zoom my science class from the kitchen today at ten. That's ok with you, right? I'm unveiling my baking soda and vinegar volcano today and I think it might be too messy to do in my room."

"That's fine with me. I'll make sure the girls stay out of your hair while you Zoom."

"They can totally be in the living room if they want while I do it, as long as they're quiet and don't mind hearing me. I just don't want anyone walking through my shot."

"Ok. If you decide you need a lovely assistant for your science project, I'm happy to jump in and help out."

Evie chuckled. "Dad, my Zoom sessions are my classroom now, I can't have you _jumping in_ my Zoom any more than I could have you stopping by my classroom. It's not professional."

"Huh. From what I've seen Simon gets to join your Zooms, but I'll try not to take that personally."

"Um, that would be wise, since Simon's a cat. He does whatever he wants. And, the kids love it when he sticks his fuzzy little face in the camera. He's a big hit."

"Ok. At ten, only Simon will be allowed in the kitchen."

"Thanks. After my Zoom, I'm going to go by the grocery store and pick up some stuff to take to Grandma and Aunt Lorelai."

"You do know they can order delivery online just like the rest of America, right? It's not like they're destitute little old people. I don't like you running into the grocery store all the time for them. Grocery stores aren't safe right now."

Evie frowned. "Dad, it's fine. I'm careful, and it's hardly all the time. I do it like every two weeks. They're both quarantining all by themselves, with Uncle Luke and Grandpa gone and Rory and Leelee in New York and Doula in Boston. That can't be easy for them." Jess could hear the empathy in his daughter's voice, and it tore at his heart. "I just want them to feel loved, and to know that we're here for them."

"I get that, but I still think you could get the same effect by calling them every day and ordering them groceries online." Jess was still annoyed at Liz for starting this, for asking Evie early on if she would mind picking up stuff for her at the grocery store and allowing it to become a habit. Granted, this had been back when the scare was mainly believed to affect people Liz's age not Evie's, but Jess still didn't like that Liz had gone to Evie with her request instead of him, knowing that Evie, like Jeremy before her, was a weak link when it came to her grandparents. Jess would have been happy to order groceries for Liz online, especially if it meant keeping his daughter at home.

"I do call them. But I like doing this, too. It makes me feel like I'm contributing something to someone else during all this." Jess could understand that. He tried to be useful where he could, with donating blood and helping the soup kitchens. The diner was closed to customers, but Jess and Cesar still went in three times a week, staying masked, gloved and as far away from each other as possible while preparing a couple hundred to go meals to drop off at the soup kitchen in Woodbridge, with a few held back for the boys in the upstairs apartment to make sure they weren't living _entirely_ off peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and boxed mac and cheese. He knew it wasn't much, but it felt like something, at least. He had been watching the news with Mallory one night when a single mom had been interviewed after waiting in line for hours outside a food bank only to be told that provisions had run out before she'd made it to the front of the line. He had called Cesar the next morning to make a plan.

"What are you talking about? You guys already made all those masks for the homeless shelters. That's a contribution, right there."

Evie laughed. "I made like four! Aunt Lorelai made over eighty. It was supposed to be a project for us to work on together, but I'm pretty sure I just slowed down her progress because I kept calling her every five minutes with questions on the pattern or issues with my sewing machine."

"Hey, it's the thought that counts. You made those four masks with a full heart."

Evie smiled. "I've realized that I really enjoy being at Aunt Lorelai's house and working on a sewing project with her, but it's not as easy or as fun on my own."

"That's ok. You're a teacher. You make a contribution every day. Think about all the kids who would grow up without ever getting the chance to see a baking soda vinegar volcano erupt if it wasn't for you."

She laughed and shoved a hand against his arm lightly. "Dad, stop giving me crap. I like helping Grandma and Aunt Lorelai out. And, mom's fine with it as long as I'm careful…..so, out-voted."

"Huh." Jess feigned serious reflection. "I've noticed that the more women move into this house, the more I seem to get out-voted."

"Aww…" Evie patted Jess on the shoulder, her voice mockingly sympathetic. "Poor Dad. Life can be so tough sometimes."

Jess smiled. As much as he did get out-voted in his own home these days, Jess liked living in a house full of women more than he would have expected. He didn't mind watching hours of teen dramas in the evenings, or all the conversations about boys or Kylie Jenner, or the startling high pitched squealing laughter when someone saw something especially funny on Snapchat or TikTok or some other app that he hadn't heard of. He found himself enjoying all of it, especially when he was able to talk everyone into gathering around the table for a game of Scrabble or taking the basketball out to the driveway for an after dinner game or two of Horse or Around the World. It all brought him back to Evie's early teenage years, when she had been the only child still in the house and the sounds of the home had changed from Darius's angry outbursts and slamming doors to the lighter, happier background noise of Evie's adolescence.

Jess thought about how staggered his child rearing had been and how he had experienced so many different iterations of domestic life because of it. His first family had been just him and Jeremy, off on their own in the apartment in Philly, neither of them really knowing what to do with the other, but choosing to stick together through all the hard stuff anyway. Then living above the diner and bringing Jeremy, and himself really, into the fold of a larger family, having to share the boy with Luke, but getting to make memories just the two of them that are still as fresh in Jess's head as if they were yesterday, teaching Jeremy to ride a bike, looking over the kid's shoulder at his reflection in the mirror while he helped Jeremy with his tie the day of his graduation, all the countless evenings spent making dinner together or talking over the Scrabble board. He thought about the handful of years that he and Mallory had spent just the two of them in her condo, with Jeremy out on his own and pre-Darius, the lazy late weekend mornings spent in bed, or having sex on the couch or making breakfast together half-dressed, the years of intimate conversation that laid the foundation for what their relationship became. Then the next chunk of time, the move to a home of their own, as the loud, difficult years of Darius's childhood played out simultaneously with the magical years of Evie's infancy. Then Evie's bright, happy childhood combined with Darius's sullen, withdrawn teenage years. The family nights, the cuddles, all the basketball games. The brief pockets of progress with his middle child standing out, the small moments of bonding amid the one step forward, two step back routine that Jess and Darius had spent so many years dancing. Then more respite as he and Mallory had become empty nesters after Evie had gone off to college, tuning back into each other on a different level now that the busy years of their lives were behind them. Followed by their current situation, opening their home to an unpredictable revolving door of older foster youth.

Jess always felt a measure of guilt when he looked back on Darius's childhood as being a difficult time. It had been, for him and for Darius, too. He knew that logically, but he couldn't shake the feeling that a better, more gracious father would be able to look back at that time through rose-colored glasses by now. He was grateful for the relationship he had been able to establish with his son once the boy had reached adulthood. He wished Darius lived closer to home, but he was glad that the kid had Amaya with him so that he wasn't alone during all this. And that they Facetimed him and Mallory every day now. Prior to the quarantine, they had talked to their middle child once or twice a week, which Jess had thought was fine since he understood Darius was busy working and living his own life, but he very much appreciated the recent escalation to daily check in's. Jess wasn't sure if Darius and Amaya were doing it for their own sake or for that of their parents', but he certainly wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

As much as Jess loved their family Facetime sessions, the things he treasured most were the one on one calls he received from Darius. Darius and Amaya were both working from home in their small apartment and Darius had taken to going for a long walk by himself each morning and another walk with Amaya after their workday ended. Jess was deeply appreciative for the days when Darius called him during his morning walk, flattered that Darius had chosen _him_ to spend his break with that day. Seeing Darius's name on his phone left him with a chest-filling swell of gratitude for having gotten to this place with the son that he had struggled so hard to bond with during their early years together. Every good thing with Darius now, every Father's Day card, every text just to say hi or call just to chat, always felt just a bit sweeter due to their rocky start. His only complaint with the boy now was how far away he still lived, and he held out hope that once Darius and Amaya were ready to start their family, Darius might consider moving back to the area. Jess thought about what a townie his current world view likely made him, and how good a life he had ended up building for himself in a place where he had never expected to put down roots. His heart ached for his middle child some days, and the feeling had only gotten stronger the last few weeks, when all Jess wanted was to have his family near him, to hold them close and keep them safe. Jess could handle having Evie forty-five minutes away in Hartford, but Philadelphia felt so much farther from home now that Darius was the one living there instead of Jess. The thought made Jess smile at the comparison it brought to mind with Luke, who had always seen April living in Boston as too far away for his comfort. When Jess let his mind dwell on the distance to Philadelphia, he reminded himself of something that Luke had told him shortly before he died, that no one got everything they wanted in life and that he felt he had definitely been given a lot, so much more than his fair share. Jess knew he could say the same about himself and he tried to focus on that.

The sun was full and bright in the sky now. Jess turned to his daughter, ready to pull himself out of his thoughts and get on with the one foot in front of the other portion of his day. "What do you say we go start some breakfast? Wake the rest of these guys up with the smell of some nice, crispy veggie bacon?"


End file.
